Greg its friday you know what that means less welcome tonights guest he has been called a heartthrob by experts fox and Friends Weekend cohost and author of the upcoming book of the war on warriors this judge nose the law and how to make fans a guffaw actor and comedian vince august shes like paul and tiny carried by the wind and often falls out of trees New York Times best selling author kat to and he is like matlock he solves many of lifes mysteries and old ladies send him their briefs New York Times bestselling author and comedian and former World Champion tire is. Greg before we get to some new stories lets do this is leftovers right read the jokes we didnt use this week and as always my first time reading them so if we suck will force joe mackey to give jerry nadler a Prostate Exam without a glove british researchers have found that a persons dietary choices can have a pro town defect on Cognitive Function we have noticed Hillary Clinton this week claimed that donald trump wants to be like Vladimir Putin which is awed since she has more in common with vlad in that she looks horrible topless and she kills people. Greg a little bit of misdirection congressman adam schiffs suitcase was stolen yesterday they havent found the thief but they do have a suspect same hairstyle as Jesse Watters a young boy at a Hartford Laundromat got himself stuck in a claw machine his parents were not able to get him out but they did win this kind of ironic dont you think they got a teddy bear and no child to give it to we will be right back the student claims she has an excruciating condition which leaves are apparently aroused which is the ruined her life luckily for her doctors have one cure to fix her condition nearsightedness is skyrocketing and scientists blame focusing on nearby objects that dont move like a Book A Computer or new york governors face right now she is upset that you are clapping now she is happy that you are laughing now she is just thinking about food in the today show interviewed a 110yearold man who still drives his car every day but he did admit that he struggles with other forms of transportation when asked if he had a message for President Biden in new york City Construction worker responded by saying if you which coincidentally is also President Bidens new Campaign Slogan but in response the president said that he understands the plight of new york Construction Workers having been raised by them as a child a new Study Reveals that daily showers have no real Health Benefits i told you so said one man cannibal would have a field day with that this week i a comedian kicked a breastfeeding mom out of his show despite there being a two boob minimum the comedian says he didnt mind the heckling but the squirting was over the line a Company Released a video their new Robotic Firebreathing Dog the only downside is when it poops read lobster reportedly looking for a buyer to avoid Bankruptcy Filing we know just the guy and finally a man from the uk claims that his foot long penis got him banned from his Exercise Class the instructor said they knew something was off when he did a pushup without using his arms you are filthy i do not approve of that joke this is a family show send your letters to catch to the news thieves show no respect for Congressman Pencil Neck yes, i speak of the California Rep adam shift whose luggage was stolen from his car into sentences physical Parking Garage yesterday which shows the citys level of despair people are willing to walk around looking like adam shift but it should be easy to find the thief just look for a guy with 30 an 8inch neck the bag was reportedly packed with clothes that he wanted to wear to a fancy fundraiser for his u. S. Senate campaign as well as a book titled how to act like a human so the poor congressman was without his clothes for a spiffy event that was held for him we caught up with shift as he was leaving his hotel apparently his bag was recovered and gutfeld obtained an exclusive video of what was really inside check this out look at that someone definitely has trump on his mind look at that more than what jesse has in his sock drawer enough of that crap meanwhile San Francisco continues to go down the drain throwing a festival for a toilet that cost 200,000 complete with a mini carnival that featured games and lemonade in the live band which raises the question is that lemonade and so with a city once already for Eclectic Culture Amazing Weather and gorgeous views is now reduced to throwing a party for a toilet truly this city is in the [ bleep ] shift gets his bag stolen obviously responsible for a lot of the pro Crime Initiatives in california would you call this Poetic Justice . You might i think the best Poetic Justice is that that Guy Adam Shift is the prohibitive u. S. Future senator from california. Sean pencil Neck Versus Treetrunk Forearms The ever seen steve garveys forearms . I dont think that california has suffered enough yet i hope that he can do it but the likely outcome is that the guy who lies to us every time he talks will be there the senator, i think that the toilet thing is amazing though when you read about it people take turns going to the bathroom as part of the celebration on the toilet. Greg isnt that amazing. Unbelievable only in San Francisco. Greg originally it would cost a Million Dollars they thought it was an achievement they got it done and they threw a party which cost 800,000 those idiots you know what hes gonna do these can act like this is no big deal because he cant throw a fit because hes responsible for these problems so hell say were going to get the bag back until act like its nothing. This is the best definition of karma that youve ever seen is this happening to this guy would have been better is if he did have just a bunch of trump articles in there and the person that robbed and was like, hey, i think i found someone is going to assassinate the president and report him and then he gets arrested for it but i think the bigger story this week and i have to ask you greg who comes back from vacation on thursday after being off for two weeks who shows up for work on a thursday and friday after being off since like italian easter youre acting like you have Jesse Watters ratings come on man here greg gutfeld. These bald guys stick together, ill pretend like that attack on me never happened hes luggage was stolen how disappointed or the thieves right now . When they open up that its like its adam schiffs stuff what could be in there. I feel like if youre going through Parking Garage is breaking in and stealing peoples clothes you dont need a suit thats not give a Job Interview coming up . So yes probably definitely tips appointed although his was not that bad if that ever happens i think about that if that ever happened to me at some point and i had to do whatever i wear on the plaintiff ideally do an event i would have like im neck pillow on it would be a lot worse but like he said he had asked jill about it and acknowledge that that was a problem to have your stuff stolen and also are you just jealous that you didnt think of the two of the party idea first. Yes, i am. That was one of the names you are considering for this show. Greg yes toilet party it was my nickname in high school i wont tell you why but you can probably figure it out. Its cold what . Click. Greg you know however, that he is what bugged me about this is he cannot show concern about other peoples victimhood and he cant show his own because he is a had a great. Not just that but how is this guy not sitting in a courtroom right now . He was influencing elections he was peddling false information to the media he was the point of contact he was the source who was sending he had devastating evidence that trump was a russian spy where is it . He was on National Television he was on the news peddling. Greg it was in the suitcase. I was trying to get there, now the toilet party makes sense he just closes way too early that was not a courtesy flush. Its on the wrong side of 50 you know them saying thats why he never stands up for everything kind of wavers left and right talks a good game but its all downhill probably had a bunch of movie scripts and their greg he would be perfect as a spokesperson for disease because. Im the guy messing up its Me Adam Shift i write up next visit the last Correspondence Dinner if trump becomes the winner . Greg five words Donald Trumps threatens Correspondence Dinner okay the white house Correspondence Dinner tamara night apparently the Biden Campaign is warning this could be the last one ever because if trump is elected saturday is, let me just get to this point here, saturday is also a reminder of what is at stake with an angry vengeful trump on the ballot he may be a punchline but is also a sad and vindictive want to be authoritarian who shows no respect for the First Amendment or the for the state basically they are suggesting he will get rid of this i find it funny that the Biden Campaign thinks that this would resonate with anyone but ego star but heads in the media. Its like something a bad Fortuneteller Wood predict about the presidency if trump is elected its going to be the end of what World War Iii . Now its much worse the economy . Know the Correspondence Dinner its over forever if he wins its one of those things that everybody who is not involved in it doesnt care about it. Greg even the people that are involved in it hate it except for the ego the ego the insecure the ego media many people want to feel irrelevant and the slippages want to feel smart so those, the neediest ones have to go there and thats where they always say its a good thing to do ones, i dont even think that thats accurate to do this. Im wind and im glad that i did so that i can say that i did im just in general not a big fan of anything right just sit in a chair silently for hours on end plenty of Better Things that i think i can do with my time i agree with you to use this sort of Fear Mongering over if trump wins then there will be no more of this dinner that youre not invited to anyway i do think its televised, people have things to do, i highly doubt that most people even know this is happening this weekend because people have lives and families and friends or they have bad habits that they engage in on the weekend is the weekend greg of this is a terrible habit cats at something that i dont think anybody would have known about this, i didnt know it was this weekend. The only time they Pay Attention to it was when trump was there was a big deal and when i got my invitation to the thing i just took a picture of it i was like while i was invited in that said thats good enough for me im not going because i wont be able to, my face i cant hide when i dont like people. There actually is a screen grab of me from when i went to my Making A Face and if she makes a face there like all but a ellingson of face wallet khakis my wife, please dont hit me. I went and im glad i did is the correspondence and its the same reaction to the 200,000dollar bathroom i went and did it im glad i did need to go anymore im good. Can they play one sound bite because present trump is a million of them saying a lot of people good people the Correspondence Dinner at least roll the tape of him saying the things its not like he hasnt been president before all of the stuff is still here. Greg you ever gone to this im feeling that you have. Unfortunately one time and i vowed never to go again and i will keep that bow the white house does not run, this is an independent association. Greg right and the funny thing is it is for charity. Apparently but if you run the concentric circles of selfcongratulatory and selfimportance this is right in the middle of it the whole thing is worship of the Fourth Estate and were saving democracy and its dripping with sanctimonious you just want to run out to the bathroom the 200,000 bathroom. Greg take a huge crap in the middle of it. That sounds about right. You how long that line would be . Thats a horrible idea the line of the around the corner there so many people full of [ bleep there was the Charity Correspondence without second homes . Heres the other privateers sometimes they just show themselves they put out the in invite list abc news is invited as a gift the Chief Of Staff of the white house cia director, theyre all in on it okay we knew this to begin with and they just cant do it out loud for one night. Greg its all the conspiracy up next peach shows a tattoo of his back and proves that bigfoot exists greg i still look great at 35 its a Smear Campaign from an artificial brain back in january the principal at a Baltimore High School accused of making racist and antisemitic remarks after an audio clip of him was posted to instagram he was quickly removed from the school and received multiple Death Threats but then Digital Forensic experts concluded the recording was a id generated it turns out the schools former Athletic Director created the fake recording to get back at their principle for investigating him for improper payments that he made to an athletics coach it was a hoax to create racism which i said if you remember was bound to happen with ai sadly however, they are not all fakes listen to this audio clip i would say close your eyes and listen to this audio clip that i found online today. Hello everyone to take safira once again surrounded by people not as pretty as me fun fact last year i used 51 metric tons of styling moose i sent my harvard degree back it was an easy decision because i also the princeton degree who wants to see my Vasectomy Scar. Greg if you think that is real listen to this. Hates jesse excited to go swimming again thanks to my new waterproof to play glue the truth is the five would do just fine without me also i havent tipped the waitress since 1998 and i have no idea who writes my books i am illiterate. Greg arent you surprised this is a more frequent . The people havent started abusing this. A few years back in the hard knocks out of our trainer brought us in one day and he was showing us what could be done with the new for the tvs where they could take even your movements and make you look like youre doing something you were not and he was like pretty soon when they get the vocals down and be able to make you doing something on video illegal or saying the wrong thing and i think the technology is just now coming to fruition and we will start seeing it youre going to see a lot of accusations where he said this to me and fake Text Messages and the lying scale always seems to rise with technology so now people are going to be dont be surprised youll see all of a sudden ill make jokes earlier about trumps making those statements but once they figure out the way to not have an expert say thats a lie will see trump saying no more Correspondence Dinner and a soon as i get in the clinton foundations toast and working here all that kind of stuff and we just had to be very vigilant this is where sourcing and laws and protecting yourself with lawyers and stuff is going to be very important because theyre going to have the technology to make you say anything you make jokes about it but if you had jesse say white power five times he be fired before you get even defend himself thats the scary part. Greg thats why we buried that one. Greg cat i was just thinking say that you had a crush or a sexual obsession over a celebrity and you want to that celebrity to talk dirty to you you could actually type in someones name and like write a script and play it back to yourself for some kind of strange perverse erotic pleasure what you say to that cat i just thought of that right now. I feel like versions of that arty exist dont they ive actually heard that there is something that sounds like my boys that people use on facebook to ask people for money and i think its me and stuff like that so its crazy but also more specifically what is going on at this school specifically the guy who made the recording was the schools Athletic Director and its because the rentable was investing invest getting him for payments he was making to the coaching was also his roommate and it went viral because a whole other teacher gave it to a student to spread around and then the student like, and yet there are people that think there shouldnt be school choice. Whats going out at pikesville high school. Greg remind me of an episode of i dream of jeannies didnt astronaut live together . No. Okay that was a dream that i had pete ai could actually help out actual racists by allowing them a plausible explanation that it was a fabrication. Thats exactly right my take away from this is you can deny everything forever and blame it on deep fakes and you want to see my Vasectomy Scar right now . Is that true is it not true . Ill let you decide. Else feel like based on what i signed agreement today is not true. That is true it stephanie not true i do love the details of the story also its amazing this roommate he was the schools Junior Varsity basketball coach but he was getting payments for being the Assistant Girls Soccer Coach and it was 1900. 1900 he was investigated on and he thought it was so egregious that hes going to try to get someone fired for being a racist by Making A Deep Ache on School Computers that mean someone thought they could really get away with that probably didnt know this was easily detectable and it racism is the way to go man if you look at what was said on the tape it was not like overthetop it was subtle enough that it could have been believable he was trying to destroy someones life with this and thats what people do. Greg not leave me to the forward judge we have to have some kind of disincentive for this what kind of symptoms would you give, because you could, youre destroying someones life with Something Like a deep fake that pain she has a racist or pedophile or in my case a truly tolerant individual who loves everyone because that wouldnt be kate true. If the person gets fired for something that you created you should be responsible for the monetary damages for whatever they lost in salary so its Easy Civil Lee whether you do it criminally or not but the other thing we have from the story in terms of ai is we are still learning to catch, the real story is always better than a fake story even what they created with the ai didnt come close to all of the scandal behind it and ai just does, it mimics people we did this as kids it was called Prank Phone Calls Thing is we didnt react to it immediately like he weighed in your leg hold on his is a Prank Phone Call or not analysis like react react react no one waits to see if the story is real. Greg i feel bad for the elderly because they are already hard of hearing and like you could fake them call them and say this is steve from the bank and we just need to go over some figures with you i used to that my mom all the time but it paid for the car so did the guy ever get an apology . I didnt read the story. Yes, he sent an ai apology. He resigned by thank its hard to be like a man im sorry that i used ai have you saying stuff there was antiblack and antisemitic. Greg the school and all the people that demonized him they should have thrown him a parade in use the toilet. They do what they always do they just move on they never everyone should be heard everyone should be heard you come forward you Say Something one should be heard but when you are proven to be lying and ruin someones life why did they not look at the same crime that they were trying to get the person he will five like jesses melody tried to start a race war. Juicy. Juicy sommelier, you know it will never come back at them everyone moves on your right thats what you just weight. Greg we will move on now coming up biden cant walk alone because is older then stone greg biden to change his walk ask is that the website is not my greek trainer had an unfortunate accident, actios report said by advisors are worried that videos of Biden Walking and shuffling alone on the white house lawn have highlighted his age so now hes going to be surrounded by aids which of course will not highlight his age at all. Right especially since we are all now here to he is like he like highlights his no one is on the fence no one is on the fence like i wonder if he could run a marathon Everybody Knows it there is nothing people believable either vote for him anyway or they wont offer him i dont think that being surrounded by a bunch of people in kc, you know if someone gets too drunk a wedding and they have the team of people to walk amounts they dont fall on the floor no ones like owe i wonder if people just walking that lady out for no reason people know its because shes hammered she might fall down it happens all over the place for Different Reasons everyone knows the reason i would say its a good try but it also may just be necessary actually so that he doesnt fall. Greg its not like he hes like this differ then don lemon during fleet week. Wherever don lemon is he just sat up and said someone hit me in the face why would someone do that you just got gutfeld. Greg im sorry vince just flew out of my mouth. Heres the great thing about the story now when he falls down the stairs to the awful down the stairs is that what happens . Now they have to mimic his moves if he trips Everyone Trips make it look like were all tripping the grass tripped all of us it wasnt mouse it was i dont care how the guy walks i care about how he says im more concerned about how he talks and how he walks fdr was in a wheelchair no one cared. Greg youre right its not about the walk its about the dementia its like youre worried about the things that they shouldnt be worried about they should worry about the fact that they are propping up this Desiccated Hosta that could become president. I want to know if theres like a signup sheet for this to have to volunteer to make the walk i didnt doesnt get on the helicopter certainly its gotta correspond with the meetings that are happening and what is happened to casually go out together and its like oh tuesday joes leaving be there at three to walk grandpa to the helicopter thats how it works by the way this goes back to the white house Correspondents Dinner story because this is a Story Written By A Complicit Press theres a little nugget out there right he has aids walking with him and the shoes on the shorter Ramp A Real Press would be digging deeply and working sources inside the white house to get to the bottom of the drug regimen thats keeping him awake and alive whats actually being done to prop up the president of the United States who doesnt know who is or where he is thats the real story the press wont do. Greg it is amazing that our president has aids walking him. Hes back and dirtier than ever. Youre not going to the Correspondents Dinner . This material is gold, maam. Everything they do it backfires by the way what happened to Dark Brandon Remember dark brandon . I think this is great understand it think this is genius the fact that they were able to go out and find people i can walk worse then him look at this, they made sure the ladies have super thick heels walking a grass fresh grass thats gonna slow you down a little bit may have a guy who is very large feet for his body size in front of him and they have a guy who talks a lot that everyone hates is walking this way they set him up and heres the thing where they found him during the strike the walking dead the extras they needed work you get a bunch people who know how to walk like the walking dead like the president. It all looks normal. Isnt you said its not about the walk we want the talk isnt it crazy that the one that can walk isnt allowed to walk but is not talking the one that can talk is doing all the walking is crazy. Greg time to move on coming up we give you free reign to pick our brain this is a shell energy 100 renewable electricity plan lighting every soccer match at shell energy stadium. Were moving forward with the houston dash. Because were moving forward with everybody. Shell. Powering progress. Lighting every soccer match at shell energy stadium. Were moving forward with the houston dash. Because were moving forward with everybody. Shell. Powering progress. Shell renewable race fuel. Reducing emissions by 60 . Were moving forward with indycar. Because were moving forward with everybody. Shell. Powering progress. Shell. Did you know up to 40 of our food supply goes to waste . Thats also a waste of energy and water. An easy way to make a difference is to only buy food you know youll use. And remember eat those leftovers. Mmm the more you know. Greg all right the first question what is the most obscure thing on your bucket list youve done a lot of stuff sum would say too much. It was driving nascar but then i did that hundred and 60 Miles Per Hour on daytona would be riding a horse at full gallop which ive never done, controlling a horse used be normal but not anymore. Greg i would like to ride a horse full speed into the white house Correspondents Dinner thats more obscure vents seeing petes back tattoo and the vasectomies car i know its there i cant get out of my head. I can make that happen for you after the show. Greg its weird how its the same thing cat. Giving birth but first i have to get pregnant. You cant do that one. Greg how dare you like to get pregnant tyrus. She stole mine now i have borne witness to that end i am no part of that party there will be no berries if we had to have them none would be an audience of one here. Greg whats on your bucket list . I would like to go out in a Blaze Of Glory without actually needing a job after it know what im saying like just have a moment my last day at work and be like im out in disappear and not have to call in a month and be like, hey, greg whats going on man not much since you bring the place now no house that fourth chair looking hello . Greg i would like you know those giant pulpits at mcdonalds i would like to dive into a ball pit filled with poppies. Why would you all that you know how may poppies would be injured . Greg i just swim around it. Hes gonna stand on their heads. Greg a giant ball pit of poppies and climb out going underneath second question if you could vote a celebrity as president who would it be vents im gonna say Denzel Washington just the way his mannerisms and the movies you your and attack me okay just that kind of. Greg what an Oppression Fermenter i thought it was a high. Greg cat. Cardi b. Greg shes a freemarket mind. We would know whats on her mind. Thats for sure she could have elizabeth or vp tyrus. No i think her vp would be like Lindsay Graham or somebody to balance it out. Shes gonna need a little bit of help. Shakeel oneill hes a phenomenal businessman he literally took big papas pizza which was considered like our racist beats now everybody wants it hes just been good he seems fair a lot of his im agreeing with his parenting im rich youre not so. Greg granted he did help that pizza joint by changing that peta joint from changing its name from white power pizza to just white pizza. Which we all know as a sauce thats good with spinach. Greg i know that youre gonna say me but just get that. Besides me rbc down from playing to the crowd but if i couldnt have that i guess i would say kid rock that would be one heck of a presidency interesting. Greg kid rock a good one i would go with james woods. That would be good. That would be a hell of a note or maybe that Weird Canadian Stephen Right member him he would always he was quite cryptic but brilliant he would be a good president or i run out of people we have another question did you play board games in your childhood and what about the creepy ouija board . Did you play. No im black we dont [ bleep ] around with that thats the extra white people you get in trouble because your brain other people in the house. Im not black fyi but no ouija board in my house, i left sleepovers like noah my gosh. Greg i had three older sisters and we had the ouija board. No, we were catholic, we were polish catholic, now that in our house. Greg they would move the thing on purpose to make me cry what about you . No but the only thing we did is we would have this thing called Cardboard Hill where we would grab a box and go down the grass because we didnt have snow were sleds or anything else he was like a black neighbourhood but with white kids. Look i didnt know we were poor until i got to college and i got to college like what is this car [ bleep ] you have your own . Greg i didnt know i was poor until i realized that the other kids have new lamborghinis i had the baptist version of the catholic Prohibition Monopoly i like to control the bank and sometimes i would make shady deals i maybe didnt give out exactly what i should have or maybe. Maybe slowdown i would hate to hear you. Greg dont blog that money under personal expense, we play the dating game did you guys have the dating game . It was like based on the tv show and they have little acute Human Figures and you move them around it was weird because it was for girls but i was the youngest so i was forced to play and it did not work me at all dont go away we will be right back with bounce pet, you can cuddle and brush that hair off. Bounce, its the sheet. What is cirkul . Cirkul is the fuel you need to take flight. Cirkul is the energy that gets you to the next level. Cirkul is what you hope for when life tosses lemons your way. Cirkul, available at walmart and drinkcirkul. Com. They need their lawn back fast and you need Scotts Turf Builder Rapid Grass. It grows grass 2 times faster than just seed alone. Giving you a stronger lawn. Smell that freedom, eh . Get Scotts Turf Builder Rapid Grass today, its guaranteed. Feed your lawn. Feed it. [ applause ] greg were out of time. Thank you to our entire studio audience. [ cheering and applause ] trace even everybody. Is 11 here in the east 8 00 pm ou