that i somehow was to blame. there was no doubt about that. now he turns around and for whatever his reasons are, i don't know what he's trying to accomplish with talking about something he should have shared with me before he ever married me if he's got some thought that that had anything do with jeff. >> you mean his mental state that you weren't informed? >> dreaming of murder, obsession with explosives, he never talked about that? >> none of that. >> i think one of the points is it's all clear in retrospect. i mean, for instance, one of the anecdotes he tells in the book, joyce, is when jeff was four years old and he had crawled -- lionel -- underneath the house to remove some dead animals and he put some of the bones from the dead animals into a bucket and jeff at age four, probably