Much less the details of their personal lives. Exception was former mayor Pete Buttigieg the first openly gay man to run for president and his husband who quickly became a household name is he won our hearts with empathy and connection and relate ability. Politico said he was living the 2020 primary. The more we got to know him he had his own story to tell he does just that and the new memoir i have something to tell you with courage he embraces the journey of his true self bringing his upbringing from his youth in michigan and works as a starbucks paris start to have healthcare. He overcame the obstacles to be, drama and humanities teacher. Chasten joined in conversation tonight from that prizewinning journalist and columnist also msnbc contributor where he talks to newsmakers to explore how race and gender and cultural identity redraw the lines to divide america. You can submit questions throughout the program hitting the q and a button also to purchase copies that include an autographed bookplate. Please welcome chasten and jonathan into your home. All right. It is great to see you after all these months. How have you been . Did b lose chasten already . There he is. It says i am in safe driving mode. [laughter] you didnt miss anything its great to see you again. I have nothing to complain about. I have a roof over my head and now i am excited for those conversations. How are you doing . I am so sick of your background. It is perfect. Welcome to my kitchen. Your kitchen is the size of our bedroom. I am not taking any guff from you room raider yourself. Chasten the last time you and i saw each other was in Columbia South carolina , february 29, i was interviewing you for my podcast, and little did i know a little more than 24 hours late later, pete away dropout of the president ial race. Two things came to mind. Who knew at that time the race would end . To say this sounds familiar. You were road testing some of your thoughts for the book during that interview. Were you not quick. I think many of the things i said on the campaign trail are in the book because it has a very conversational tone. And the third section gets into politics and the president ial campaign. You probably heard the same thing i heard over and over again like a broken record. I want to the book to feel conversational like we were sitting down with a cup of coffee and to help them know what i was hearing. I felt really intimidated who i should be on the campaign trail and then and then i always try my best to tell the truth. I just want to put up a facade of political chasten. Host during that interview with your parents were there. But your father is always out there to help everybody including me with a Landscaping Team went out and got them to stop. The first half of your book is about them in your upbringing in michigan. Talk about your parents. I love writing about the. They are watching tonight. High school sweethearts. Dad was walking across town mom is using her tips from waitressing to buy him close the story is beautiful. And they fought so hard to give us everything we deserved even with a small Family Business mom working parttime at the hospital. What i most appreciate is how when my story took a turn when i ran away from home convinced i was an embarrassment, they called me home. That is an example of hope that families can work things out and have a hard conversation. Because my parents didnt have any of the answers. They were terrified for me. They just wanted what was best for me. Thats all they could tell me at the time. I count myself as one of the lucky ones to have parents like that who continuously show up and want to get it right. My dad is a prankster always playing tricks on me always trying to teach me lessons the hard way. My mother is loud and loving will do anything just like my father will do anything for anyone battling cancer the last 12 years. She always does things for other people and i would like to think thats where i got my grade and determination from. Mentioning that he is a prankster talk to us about one of the pranks because growing up you were kind of much. And that gets to one of the pranks your father pulled on yo you. I get some of the signs were there that i was totally gay. [laughter] my brothers always wanted sports stuff and i wanted the new Britney Spears album they were chopping wood and i was performing celine dion songs while my mom was folding laundry. For those that has seen me do this before, if you have your book on page number 60 rights at home my older brothers were dads boys while one of my favorite pastimes was singing celine dion songs to my mom while she folded laundry. I interrupted you. Keep going. Thats me. Hindsight i was so hyper focused on going to fish camp always sticking my neck out to be the best marksman possible when shooting guns wanting to catch the biggest fish. We were in four h and i thought the best way to impress people and i want people to think about who i am so if i am the best at everything i do i will impress them thats the only thing to talk about so i will make the honor roll. Which dog is that quick. Normally they just sleep all day one is stiffing the corner but he is playing with the toy a. But i didnt want anyone to think about who i was but if i wanted everything they were doing that i would be safe. Host you write about that you loved fishing and one of your brothers didnt like to bait to the book that you would get in there and touch the worms and do that stuff. I have a problem with that and i still love fishing and i think its funny its funny that you point that out. On that point you wrote fishing is where i excel when my brothers hated touching worms but i never minded getting my hands dirty a quality has help me excel equally working as a barista at starbucks you raised steers . You have a trophy from four h what is going on they are . This is all fascinating to m me. Beast comes from steers we are and four h from a young age we started with goats and its a great program. We went in on a quarter of a steer with my family. We have to keep records of everything we spent on the animal we had to walk the animal every weekend. Is definitely a lot of hard work and we had to mark out the barn. But i thought if i was the best and one in the trophy and the blue women on the blue red and then people would be impressed with me and i would not be subject to scrutiny and examination. Host but thats not how it worked. I thought homeless one homophobic slurs were tossed around between employees in the locker room and the hallway i was scared theyd knew something about me i wasnt ready to name myself it was such a toxic environment and i think every boy he was trying to figure out who they were but it was tough. In high school you didnt have any kind of creches or boyfriends . That didnt happen in high school. No. That was not safe. You could not be out. I have friends who came out after school and we do not even talk about it together not even in the safety to play video games in the basement. We never talked about our feelings or sexuality or never felt we could open up about it it was just a fact that you could not be gay. Host you write in the book about your time in high school and what the people were like. One of the things you wrote in the book is you went to a george w. Bush rally because in michigan thats a star you put on the name that you gave your car and put a w sticker on it. Why did you do that . Because i felt if i went along with all of the things that seemed to be the status quo or what was talked about then putting a w sticker on my car was another simple. I am just like you. Just leave me alone. That just seems another way to get admission to whatever group i would belong to. Host in retrospect the number of Confederate Flags you say i wish from an early age i objected to the presence of these symbols but truth be told i have no idea what they meant. This was a beautiful line. I was swimming in a sea of whiteness and i didnt even know i was what. Talk more about that. Nobody asked us to examine our whiteness. Because it was 99. 9 percent white. And in northern wisconsin was also heavily white and i dont have a larger understanding until i started working in the lockheed public schools. The only thing i was worried about our thinking about and fearful what other people would do to me. I was never asked to examine the world on a larger picture. Talk about when people talk about the Confederate Flag it was never rebutting a racist symbol but there is never a conversation how when you fly symbols like that from your pickup truck or belt buckle or tshirt that is a racist symbol. We never had those conversations. And thats how many are structured. Host you even write i was growing up in a system designed to keep me from questioning does symbol in the first place. Lets talk about germany. So first of all talk about the German Student Exchange program. You applied to it without even telling your parents. You told them you want to do but then you applied for it because with this program it is fully funded scholarship between american and german government. Started in the late eighties to foster understanding and cause culture connections. Governments and students when my teacher said fully funded all the bells went off because my parents could never afford to send me on exchange but they also probably would never condone me leaving the nest that soon so i just scribbled on the signature line. Probably my first big act of rebellion. [laughter] and then when i got the call , i brushed that off as they want to talk. It is just a thing and i got it. My parents let me go and it changed my life. It was a tough year. I had a lot of different host families. That was a weird process. But it gave me the space that i needed to come into myself to understand who i was away from my family and hometown and i was put into the world to figure out who i was. Host you mention a lot of host families. But the first family, their introduction, talk about that. Should we . [laughter] they pick you up then all of a sudden everybody is naked . I had a family for months they pick me up from the train station. They took me home and had a little cabin and celebrate your arrival and before we sit down and have cake lets go swimming. They all went swimming without any clothes on. I realized im a little fish out of water right now. Host trust me will love that part of the story. I dont want to give it away but you said germany change your life. And it was there that you kissed a boy. Yes. I write in the book not that i had enough confidence but i had enough alcohol. And then it was over with and i did it and i realized i wanted to do it again and it opened a whole new world for me. Because i came from a place that just told me whatever is happening inside if he was wrong, broken, disgusting. I felt disgusting. And then i realized i didnt care if people thought it was disgusting because it made me feel alive. Some friends i could talk about my feelings with you gave me confidence to go home and be myself. Host one of your friends francie. She was the closest friend in germany she was and ambassador, a local student who showed up around town for language. She was my biggest supporter for my host family and found another family that was willing to take me end. And finally i could have a friend i could open up to. It would not let me speak english so my german improved and when you come out to your parents. I could not do it. I felt i was falling back into my old ways and a community i did not want to belong to. I felt to go home i had to pretend again. This is right about the time College Classes were starting. It was eating me alive. Which did you do first . Confide in friends or parents . I worked up the courage for my family and they said they would be there for me for didnt go well but in the profile and in the places he forgot to tell your family, not in but do you even remember what you wrote. Grabbing some bags and the reporting. I dont remember. I dont know if im ready to look at it yet that my mother saved the letter. Host you said you dont remember that when do you thank you might be ready to look at the letter that you wrote . I didnt know my mom saved it until a couple months ago and she just told me that ive had to tell the story ally and she said you know i saved that letter. But i dont want to read it yet. Host one of the things you did after you handed her the letter and she read it and then there was some back and forth, you left. Why did you leave . Its not like they said get out. They never told you to leave you left anyway. Why . I was convinced. I was just convinced. I heard so many people say things about gay people. Just the darkness that was hiding in my head told me that you will ruin everything any well embarrass your family and your friends people will not be associated with you. This is shortly after the time of matthew shepard. I was scared some of the circles my family operated in would be unsafe for me in so many things told me get out. Go away. Not just for my safety but the dignity of my own family. Host he felt you embarrass them. Right. So you leave home and made arrangements so they went awry how long did you stay with that friend . A couple months. She was in graduate school and i felt like i was in the way so sometimes a stated other friends houses. Sometimes it would get really dark in my head and i would think im an embarrassment to my family and i burden on my friends i would a place to park the car to get away. It was a couple months and tell mom called and asked me to come home. Host and you stayed in your car was that he continue with stress on stretcher every so often. Just every so often when it just seemed i was being an imposition to other people. And i would just try to find a place talked away one talked away and disappear for a little bit. Host and your mom calls and says come home. Yes. Host how were things when you went home . I was exhausted. Working fulltime at the hospital and going to class full time. I was so tired. And so empty. To have your parents call you to say, home and we will figure this out. They had no answers. They didnt know what it meant. It would just be hard. They were scared for me. I just wanted to sleep in my own bed and someone that i love to hold me to tell me it would be okay. And that meant the world. I drove right home. Host the other favorite line of mine, its a little dark but its funny. When people read it you may hear the amen from afar but on page 79, i had no idea my life would be hard because men are terrible. [laughter] and then you proceed to talk about the man. I want to walk us through the man. I mean no malice but do you really believe that all men are terrible . Know. That is not what that is about. Was that person even gay . [laughter] the whole point is telling those stories no i am not anti man. Obviously. [laughter] host the first person that you talk about is very serious and that is mark. He seems to know everyone older and taller like the subject of the shania twain song. I know she is but for those who are watching is there a particular song . That dont impress me much. If you dont know who she is thats okay. Keep reading. [laughter] host so you were at a party and you and mark go off to her room and the first sexual experience was very negative. What happened . Guest i didnt know what it was supposed to be like. And the way things progressed i slowly realized thats not what it was supposed to feel like. And then realized i didnt want to be there anymore. So i asked him to stop and he didnt. And i had to keep asking and then take matters into my own hands and get out. Host one of the things you said in the conversation that your parents are always there for you. So you called your mom. I heard them tell this to my brothers when i was younger if you are ever in danger or if you are ever too drunk and cannot drive, i know why they always reminded us of this, if you ever need help you can call and no questions asked and we dont have to talk about it. Because they didnt want us to make bad choices and if we did they didnt want us driving. I called mom. I didnt know what to do. I thought i was still too drunk to drive. And i called my mom. She didnt ask any questions and i went home and went to bed. Host she picked you up in the pickup truck and you barely spoke. The next person is adam. Can we take an intermission . [laughter] just joking we both got together because we were both gay. We both like watching tv. That was that. That did not last very long. It was like you are gay and i am gay and i have never had a boyfriend before and then we realized we should be. We didnt know what love was. Host brad. Was he in chicago quick. You can tell i use pseudonym pseudonyms. Host the professional with things going on in his life with a life the group of friends. Yes. Professionally had it going on. Nice apartment and at the time when things were not going so well and that he was verbally aggressive to the point where he physically removed you from his apartment. You and your things. And then who did you call . My dad. Was standing outside at the bus stop and it was is raining of course and i called my dad. He asked me if i was okay and i just knew that it was too far. It didnt feel healthy. I dont know why i called him but i do know why. There are some things you confide in your friends and some things you feel so scared of and i knew my dad was a safe space. When it comes to someone abusing you like that it was a talk with dad like men dont do that and you dont do that to somebody you love. He reminded me i am worth a lot more than that. That person is not deserving. Host and then there was ethan because i love the way you set up the introduction because at the end of the previous chapter you write about how you picked up and moved with your boyfriend to chicago and then i said what boyfriend . And then the next pages wait a minute what boyfriend . Page 90. Another theater type amazingly wanted to talk about books and feelings he was charming and easy to talk to and we hit it off right away. We were both teaching theater it was to perfect. And when i didnt get the fulltime teaching position we moved to chicago in search of better opportunities. But then it ended through text message . Yes. Host and you said what . We were getting ready to go visit his family. It was a holiday and said dont bother. Im out. I think i was in between jobs at the time and i ran out to the hallway. He said im out and i cant do it. And that was that. I am not out to hurt anybody. Because there are so many things i lay out in the book what it took to get to the next spot for the next time around. When people take advantage of you and hurt you, then they leave you, you really start to question your worth. But we know where that story is going. Host there is a method to my madness to walkthrough. [laughter] host that before team next i made notes. So here are just some of the jobs that you have had in your young life starting at the beginning. Kennel technician. Busboy. Collecting bottles and cans for school fundraiser. Home health aide. Nursing assistant. Toys arrest. And felicia and you asked how to make a cosmopolitan and she said what . [laughter] she whipped around and i will tell you this only wants. Thats how i learned how to make friends quickly and i didnt want to disappoint her. You made Sales Manager congratulations. I just want to pause for a second some of the stories that you tell what about the sound people . The phone people they are the worst . Stop being awful. Baristas are so underpaid. You never tip. Fifty people in line and you are making nine bucks an hour. And say that there is too much home from the latte so you take off the lid to get the spoon to scoop off the foam and then they yell at you because they want you to make a whole new drink. Stop being rude to your baristas. Anytime i go to starbucks. Please baby jesus dont have any of those people. I always feel i have to Say Something like i was so afraid on the campaign trail somebody would catch me telling somebody off at a starbucks i cannot stand when people are rude to Customer Service employees are anybody serving food or beverag beverage. Host something about starbucks makes customers feel especially entitled to inhumanity. Yes. Have you ever seen someone , you know you have a take the lid off of the cap and say theres not enough caramel and it and they put more and they say its not enough or just to have a full blown meltdown . I get it i love treating myself to sugar beverages. Its a great treat and you want it to be right. And it is expensive but where is the humanity . Back to your list of jobs. I will get off my starbucks so box. Host you did airbn airbnb, bartended at a comedy club and did stand up. Failed. Substitute teacher in Chicago Public schools. You applied to be an American AirlinesFlight Attendant. I sure did. I was bartending and my fulltime gig was substitute teaching every day and also letting out the of apartment after my boyfriend left and went to pay his fair share of rent. I need a Julia Roberts eat pray love and go see the world. I will become a Flight Attendant they said come to training i said i cant i was just in love with the classroom i did not want to leave. Host one of the last jobs was chaperoned for the German Exchange program you were in which leads to the obvious and point but i will not get there yet. So talk about the fact that during all of this between the jobs and Community College and university then back and eau claire, there was turmoil in your life personally, educationally, profy and that is woven throughout your book the pain and the uncertainty and the fear that you went through during all of those years. Its one thing to do with it but not on the page for other people to read. Im no stranger to the question what does this add up to . What is the point . I didnt have a lot of people in my life to help me figure out what i was doing. I was firstgeneration college. I had no idea how to afford it. I often had no idea what i was doing and i was trying to survive every day going to work and going to class and on the campaign trail people were around me every day and that is their life i felt all of those failed relationships i thought they defined me and i realized on the campaign trail i have to talk about this stuff because around tables they are telling me stuff and i dont even know and the moment we share our vulnerabilities and help people feel understood i have done that before i how hopeless that feels. So my goal for the book was to know what i was feeling and sometimes that was hard. To be that vulnerable not just because it is scary that people dont write books like this in politics and pretend everything is great but when they do share their vulnerabilities it so calculated you dont feel you are talking to a normal person. I wanted the reader to feel tha that. You write about medical debt and student debt and interesting vignettes im getting ahead of myself but you were hiding your payment notices from pete and he found one. You and to the mailbox to intercept him but you slipped up and that led to a conversation. I got ahead of myself but i wanted to squeeze that in because theres something you said in the interview in february that comes through in the book to talk about the young man you met all waiting for the kids to arrive in germany you said after beating pete on your first date you laid it out to get married and have kids and said ive never felt like somebody cared so deeply about who chasten really was and then they opened up with my experience of having people break my heart and unfortunately take advantage of loving me and for someone like pete to come along to chip away at that wall he took a wrecking ball not only made me believe in love again that help me to see my importance and my worth and thats to people saying he is robotic but i wish people could have seen your face as you said those words you talk about your journey to pete so how big of a moment was that to meet pete and the in front of a person who really cared . Genuinely cared . I take a lot of umbrage to those criticisms because people think so much in politics needs to be performed for other peopl people. Love is great when there is the fireworks and hand holding and kissing and it dates but True Partnership when somebody can hold your hand and look you in the eye and tell you you are worthy of space on your whole life if you are worthy of that at all and make you feel loved but other people do to you dont define you. The hardship along the way does not define you. To me, that was the greatest part of love and loving pete and i feel loved by him and not the way he performs but the way he shows up every single day in this marriage thats the greatest gift i have ever been given is the opportunity to be loved by him. One thing you wanted to do and you talk about it on the campaign trail, you broke some news in your book. I will not tell people where it is. But it is known that you and pete want to start a family. But what i did not know, you wrote part of peters decision to run meant putting the family on hold and stop pursuing adoption which we had been doing since before he decided to run because it would have been impossible to get to know our new child in an environment. C were already trying to start this family. Did you get far along . Almost. An opportunity fell into our lap and for a few days we thought we would be dads. And then the opportunity went away. We were crushed and then thought maybe it wasnt meant to be at that time. We decided to put that dream on hold and see where life would take us. That something we both decided to do together but that conversation we were having even before conversations of running for president those are conversations im glad to be revisiting now that we are home. Host have you take things back up . You have. Yes. For anyone who is watching. You dont have to be gay. It is hard if you cant have a child naturally. Not just gay people we have a lot of friends vast questions and then a lot of listening and its very exciting but also terrifying at the same time. And its expensive. Adoption is so expensive to incur all these options it is prohibitive to start a family and its also heartbreaking. There are so many good people out there ready to be parents. You dont have to get to political but thats also like we want is why we like joe biden talk about those the path to citizenship or trying to adopt those called homophobic. It is hard. Host before i open to q and a, i neglected to get you to talk about the prank your father pulled on you at fish camp. Just fishing. Host and he said i have to go somewhere and he left you there for hours. Just to see what i would do. As he watch me from the opposite side of the river. I was so furious at him that he would do that. Thats how he taught me lessons. Grit, determination, survival skills, and showed me how to build a fire and thats what i did. He did not come back. I started a fire and sat there. Eventually he came back. Host eventually he came back. We will go to q and a. We are on time. Meredith writes i am a High School Student with a passion for politics. I absolutely love you and pete and betty and truman. Do you have advice for finding your own voice and a Political Landscape . Thats the biggest question of politics. Why are you here . What you hear for . What do you believe in . You have to claim that. If you are going to pretend to be somebody else and its okay if that arena doesnt reflect the one you wish you are in. That wasnt the case when i was in high school but on your own story and your values and what you stand for and what you want and then go get your hands dirt dirty. I was never political as a High School Student i never felt comfortable meeting the most organized well spoken High School Students who are campus seeing and running the offices people need you to get involved is not just about the presidency or the ticket often times the people need in their communities especially with lgbtq but to make sure people have sympathetic school board members. Find a race that you can help somebody and get to work. Host you write you didnt like politicians at all when you were growing up. Jim rights i met so many young lgbtq people at events with you and pete. You meant so much. Is there a time that the weight occurred to you and how did you remain centered . Thank you, jim. I feel in politics are not supposed to talk about the hard stuff that present a strong character of yourself. You are never supposed to talk about the things that are hard or hurtful engine are supposed to show your true colors. I cant do that. It is hard. And the weight of the historical race in the exhaustive calendar i cannot do that my husband and friends who came on the campaign trail and my friend you are surrounded by people who dance and seeing with you in the car for you to remember who you are and to stay centered. And people who remind you of why you are doing what you are doing