Another author that i like the most, so this is from phil clay who is the author of redeployment. For i knew it would be urgent, compelling an excellent from the first page, information is a much more expensive book than either suspected. A riveting and raging memoir from a a author of remarkable toughness and emotional rage. This is an unflinching and honest account of war, of homecoming, and of what happens when a woman reports and assault in the institution around her try to smother the truth. That did you a good idea of what were about to hear, and without any for the talking from me, may i introduce ryan dostie. [applause] hello. Thank you for everyone coming tonight. Thank you for having me. Im just going to set up my timer so that i dont talk for too long. Im going to explain quickly the format, not the four but the stretch of the book so you know why i might be popping in to whatever i start the book out much to some reviewers dismay as, at the very start of the rape. It follows in the first section can follow set and have military handled it, or didnt handle it, as you might say. Then he goes back at talks about my past and then they goes into an iraq section about being deployed in iraq with the initial invasion while just as initial invasion in 2003. The final section is about homecoming and ptsd and readjusting to civilian life and all the funds that come with that. Im just going to dive right in. I thought i would start with the first chapter because clearly i thought it was this chapter, thats why put in the beginning. Most of the stuff im going to read excerpts, but this chapter is not very long so i can probably get through the whole thing without boring you too much. A few hours before i am great, two officers and of our try to quality and steal my panties. Were hovering by standing table when they approach. Standing so close i have to turn my head back to see the face of it despite my heels, they are taller than me. Want a drink, the one closest says. His dark air is so neatly shorn of the skin looks blue. It gets him away. I point to his head enlisted or officer . He grins all teeth, and leans forward splashing with a set of whiskey sour mix. Hes uneasy honesty complaining to one side, and nate hen resting on a table for roast. Officer. Military . Looking around the bar for Something Better to do it she doesnt suffer boredom well and she likes a prettier than this. Enlisted, i say. Youre too pretty to be in the army, says the officer near to me, and i cant help but smile. I never quite understand the phrase, whether its meant to be a compliment or insult, but i bi like being called pretty, even if the price is varied in subtext i dont have lockes tall toned body or her steely confidence. I still blushed and print under male approval. He likes the reaction and moons closer. He presses his shoulder against mine, lets get a drink. The two men are older than us by at least a decade, and the age gap feels significant somehow. I shift my way to the other foot and tried to buy myself some space. I dont know. I feel thats fraternization. I laugh to lighten the rejection. I wont tell if you dont. He winks one watery eye. For his magic. As i could keep they, i suddenly dont know how to untangle myself from the situation. Try to export but shrugs. She wont turn down a free drink but i but i prefer to buy my own. Too many unspoken obligations tied a girl to a pot drink. I know, how about a bet . If i can take a shot better than you can come you pay for our drinks. Locke grinch that she knows this party trick and im damn good at it. The officer so in other words, you think you can handle your liquor better than me . For one shot i can. And if i win . He asked turkeys greeny. He thinks hes already won. You leave us alone, locke shoots and i both uncomfortable and relayed by her breast missed. I long for that kind of grid. The officer shakes his head. Thats not a reward. How about i get your panties . My what . Your underwear. If i win can you have to give me your underwear. Locke looks aghast and i were similar expression. Why would you want my underwear . Locke is ahead on the show and shakes her head. Her whiskey shots are kicking. Dont ask questions you dont want the entity. Fine, deal, whatever. Get us some shots. Please dont gamble with my underwear, i want to say, but ii know they cant be serious. Im not serious. Wasnt a real bed, just something said in jest. The officer jets his friend with his elbow. Go get some whiskey. Dont be a bitch, i counted them gathered by confidence because, though it only started drinking a few months ago when i turned 21, good christian girl turned a little bad by legality, this i know how to do. Everclear, i made my 190 corporate. A choice. If you want a shot to maxim back on their heels, everclear is only way to do. The officer grimaces, which is the exact reaction i was hoping for, but he doesnt back down. When the everclear arrives, it glistens and a tall plastic cup. Its a double shot. You first. Lockes hand hovers her own whiskey already purchased one of the officers. The officer stares tenderly at his drink him at the cup dwarfed in his palm. I hope he faxed and 50 dozen. He throws the drink back, swallows in one go, careful to keep his face composed. He blinks rapidly but it doesnt cough or grimace. He carefully places the cup on the table before clearing his throat. Your turn. The other officer slaps him on the back and congratulates his fortitude. I scout in annoyance. I usually when this came before even take the shot. I hope the class outcome careful not to get a whiff of its potent stinchcomb then breathe in and hold it. I down the drink and the different all the way down my throat and found its way into my stomach, and breathe out slowly, careful to keep my nose close outside dont taste the alcohol. It is a really good way to drink in shot by the way. [laughing] i grin as a last of my breath escapes between the teeth. Easy peasy. The two officers narrowed now , staring, waiting for me to shiver, coffee and cake. I get the classic toys lay before it to the table. We win, locke says, in down to shut throws the cup onto the table and grabbed my arm. Goodbye. She tucked neatly from the table. I dont think so. The smaller offices and shoots out and captures my wrist. We win turkey did better. Did not, i protest. The corn ethanol is working its way through my system. My feet are suddenly large and cumbersome. I grip lockes elbow title. Yes, i was way better, the officer says making a comehither gesture with his hand. Give up the panties. Nope. Locke pulled hard enough that my wrist sleight out of his grasp. Hey, that is a bet, he just addressed as we make our retreat through the crowd. Freaks, locke says, pushing up against the bar. The air is suddenly hot. I tug at my dress color. Is it hot . Here, she pushes a shot of vodka into my hand. No, i muttered to myself, i my arch nemesis. Everclear i can do but vodka and i are not very good friends. Im not supposed to be drinking. I suddenly remember, thinking of the doctor a few weeks back who had to be a ninemonth supply of deposit tuberculosis ppd test stressing you cant think at all what they give us, and the pressing another bottle of vitamin b12 b12 in the atlanta counter the acute liver failure side effects of the first drug. But possible Liver Disease seems like a minor complication to a 21yearold and a short, taking the shot. Its only a few drinks this one time. Whats the worst that can happen . There is dancing, more shots. I know i can handle a dozen without a problem, but i stopped counting summer around drink number ten. Lockes body weve intricate symbols on the dance floor, her cheeks vermilion red. I sway to the music, fascinated by the drops of like that waiver in splash across my skin. Maybe its the medication but the alcohol hits me harder and faster than usual. And i try to keep to my normal drinking paste but but i outruy sobriety. I screwed to the outside of the dance floor and linking to order. I rest my head back and legs braced apart using the heart angles of the corner walls to hold me up. Hey you, says a familiar voice, and i crack open one eye. The dim light burns. High . My voice crackles to get officer leans against the wall beside me i won a bet from earlier, you know, he says. Now, i dont have the will to argue and the close my eyes. Site makes me wobbly. I believe these are mine, he says and suddenly theres a warm hand on the inside of my thigh. I gasped and slammed my knees together came his hand in place. What are you doing . At the protest comes out breathy and weak. He grants, his face so close to mine. Hes tall and enough standing upright, making his upper body over me. Its all in good fun he tries to assure me, wiggling his hand upward. I laugh because im nervous and drunk. Stop. I catch his wrist and tried to push it down. Come on, you lost the bet. The other officers there with his left it in my spine is pressed into the corner, locking in place. His fingers light up my skirt come up against the outset of my hip and loop around the material of my underwear. He tags and the fabric slide standard seriously, stop. I laughed, swallowing hard, knees shaking him and the use of an to grit my underwear trying to hold them up. But its for mccance against two and theyre winning. I feel tiny, tiny as if ive shrunk and they are giants. Black shadows been over me, blocking out the rest of the club. Hey, locke breaks through between them, a vengeful spirit all while dark your entrance and cheeks. Link off. Pulling me out from beneath them. I stumble after quickly trying to straighten and work with one hand. Jesus christ can learn to find somebody in the face. I stare at the strong minds of her shoulders. The most of the contort and bow beneath her black tank top, expose white skin that defies decembers night cold and feel ashamed. Im actually going to stop at that part. That was just at the bar and i will go over what happens at the end of the chapter is a go back to my barracks room and come with a friend, another caseys become they both hoping to my room, and we said, we talk, welcome they talk, we drink a little bit more and then they leave and they go to sleep. The Second Chapter immediately goes into the rape itself. What im going to be that is actually, i report it immediately afterwards the mps came, did all that, and it took a while for me to get an interview with actual investigation. This section that in reading is just a little highlight of how the military decided it wanted to handle a woman reporting a Sexual Assault. So this is me and the investigator and our conversation. The investigator finally rescheduled our interview. He sits me down in an interrogation chair. Feels like an interrogation chair. His dark wooden desk is huge he sits calmly behind it papers meticulously stacked and from it. A tape recorder worlds between us loud and in the side of the metal and hard wooden chair arms wrapped around my knees. I i look like a child. I know i know i look like a child this clenched around a uniform pants and i feel like one, tiny and fragile staring g up at him as he stacks the papers, stacks of papers and begin. The first two questions are easy enough. What had i been . Had i known the analysts . That was the guys job. How much did i drink . Then things take a turn for the darker and without looking up, with no real warning investigator asks, do you feel he raped you . I cringe at the word. It hangs in my mouth, heavy and taking up space. I can say all your four letter words, [blank] , just dont make me say the r word. I hate saying it out loud to people in power the judge me for the word used and present me for making them face its implications. I swallow the word instead and say, yes. He finally looks up and is he the first breath of fight in him. So you said no. Its not a question but an assertion, a natural instinct to his sentence. My brow furrows slightly. I said i didnt know who he was, and i didnt understand what was happening. I told him to stop but i sometimes something to drink i get confused and maybe i said in japanese. I watch his face darkened and a rush to add because, i can japanese you can say whole sentences into words. You know what i mean . Its hard to explain but i just switch over sometimes. If i i had too much to drink. Sometimes. My japanese had triggered his spanish, the starling of in my ear is loud and persistent. I showed it to look down at my hands, feeling like ive been punched in the stomach. But you didnt say no, he pushes. I dont know if i said no exactly, but it did say stop. I said they did know what was going on. I pause, mouth dry, trying to get what i my heart is racing suddenly and add, i pushed at him, like pushed him away, or i try to. So you think he raped you. Yes. Are you sure . Yes. But you didnt say no. It was very clear that i didnt want again my stomach clench is tight and running out of words. I didnt want what happened. The investigator leans back, case closed, mouth slightly pursed. You understand in order for 60 berate, you have to have said no. Not true by the way. I was a young kid and i didnt know that. Im angry now. My knuckles of white against my knees, boots planted on the floor. So youre saying if someone has sex with a sleeping person or someone whos unconscious, thats not right because they did say no . He glares at me now as a difficult child who refuse to understand reason. There are different rules for that sort of thing, he says. You were not asleep or unconscious. I mightve been. I dont know how he got into him and he wasnt able to i wasnt frustration closes off my throat and they turned my face the way ashamed. How did he get in your room . I said i dont know. I want to scream it but it comes out a harsh whisper. The july demand . No. I mean i dont think so. But its possible that you did. I dont know. I dont think so. I glanced up wanting him to agree with me, to say that its too, i probably didnt open the door, that i had too much to drink, how would i made that walk from my bed to the door, how had awoken from a drunken slumber from someone knocking, how could i said sure, come in, knowing these things dont seem possible or likely at all, and yet his jaw is set picky shows me nothing. But even if i did, i say, i close my eyes at those words, not wanting to ever imagined them to be true, the thought makes me sick. Even if i did that doesnt mean i wanted to have sex with him. I hate the world of the tape recorder as it fills the silence and he takes his time, scratching his pen on paper. Did he raped you he asked again. I hate that word. That dirty soiled shameful word. Dont make the same. Yes. But you dont remember saying no . I dropped my head into my hands. Were chasing rtos going round and round pick is getting a muddled in my head. How could it not be raped . I know how i feel. I know i didnt want that. That thing that happened. How could that not be rape . Im not making this up, i say. Does become so desperate to be heard. Dd rape you . Yes, again. And again. Round and round we go. Im lost. So thoroughly turned around ive given up trying to orientate myself. I cant find north. I break. I dont know what it was but bi know what he did was wrong. He writes clear and hard onto the paper, and funny how that sentences only thing that makes it into the official report. So a lot goes on between ten and the next section including having to continue work with the guy in vain information and all that. Not so fun stuff. What happens next is how i i fd out what is happening with the case, and what happened in the report itself. I think this is sort of the last heavy part. We will get on the after that. I dont know what unsubstantiated means. I never heard the word before it is in part of my vocabulary. So when captain wells says for the entire company, heads swiveling in my direction, i dont know what he means of why its so significant. The investigation has been going on for months, long weeks where i hear nothing from the case, almost like everyone has forgotten all about it. Now receiving in an equal opportunity briefing. The company sprawled out across the small theater seated heavily worn blue thread seats. Andres reclined to sit back and forth and staring up at the ceiling and i glanced at the start profile. This is so pointless come he crowns cannot quietly enough. I know its pointless but for entirely different reasons. His squad leader hisses at him and he grumbles as he shifts in his seat, sitting up. Captain wells is in front of the company, standing on a wooden stage, halfheartedly preaching about the necessity to speak out if one feels threatened or sexual offender. Captain wilson scans the credit and his eyes lingered on a slightly as he nears the end of his speech. He hesitates, showing me the tiniest lift of his lip and a sneer, then turned away. Everyone knows about a Sexual Assault case going on in the company right now. I go cold, my heart sputtering in shock. Captain wells stares back at the upturned face of his company and says, and that case has been found unsubstantiated so guys, if the girl accuses you of something you didnt do, dont worry. You wont get into trouble unless you actually did something wrong. Is he talking about what i think hes talking about . I said rooted in place and credulous thinking cant be talking about my case, hes not talking about me. I can feel the eyes of the company turn towards me, drinking in my reaction and i wonder how many minds are made up in this moment. What does unsubstantiated mean . I ask no one. The briefing is over at a jump up from isis pushing through the bodies forcing my way to Sergeant Pelton. Everything has slowed, a buzzing in my year, ears dulls the noise of the graphic was he talking about me . I i forgot to address this elbow and forcing them to face me. Its aggressive inappropriate and i do anyway. As if having a pain in my hand will force him to take me seriously. Sergeant pelton phrases come his normally bright eyes jumping to the side looking for an exit plan. He couldnt have been talking about me, right . I process. Sergeant pelton size. He doesnt want to be here. Captain wells just told me today. The case was found unsubstantiated. I dont know what that means. I rest my palm against the ball to hold myself up. Sergeant pelton size water shut as if he is asking for strength. He doesnt want to be the one to do this. He shouldnt have to. Captain wells should have picked his absence as usual is telling. It means they cant will one way or the other. Its your word against his. The words folic physical blows. Im Still Holding his elbow, my grip tightening. And this is how he tells me . This is how i found out . Sergeant pelton says nothing. But what about the photos . I shaken trying to knock loose all the answers i need to hear. I remember the mps call me back into a small site Office Asking me to strip, standing half naked in a stark cold room while a few officer held the camera up to my skin capturing the bruises outlined my arms and rib cage, her nose inches from my flesh, the bare lightbulb swing on a court overhead as she examined me. Dont those prove anything . Im sorry, is all he says, and i dropped his elbow. How sorry can he be . Its not like he released me anyway. They give me up like manila folder with the report in a . Summit company places it in my hands i walk out of the building with it tucked under my arm smashed against the side of my chest. Its nondescript but it feels like everyone knows what uncaring. I soldier out into the sunlight into the warm spring air and find an empty picnic table. I sit on the tabletop boots resting on the bench, folder resting on my knees. I i it warily unsure i want to know. I already know the case has been found unsubstantiated. I we know Sergeant Pelton read it and hesitated. That it made him look at me differently. The report is there than i expected it to be expected it to be heavier. I unpeeled from the folder flipping through the pages reading but not. The eyewitness statements, short little paragraphs and each as a punch, a swift steady job in the stomach. In the clear Bright Sunlight i feel myself splinter. He said hes going to that dostie chicks from because shes crazy drug, says a friend of kevin hale, about how kevin hale crowed and swaggered before his conquest, and how he later returned, gleefully victorious. The pictures are surprisingly absent but allude to voters that once were like a description of angry, red scratches across cavins body but it dont remember scratching him. There are descriptions of bruises on her upper arms and back, but i dont know exactly how i captain. Its like the been an entire evincing performed, and act played out for an audience of nine, and avoid with the memory should be terrifies me. Had i fought back . Had there been some epic struggle and didnt even matter if i dont remember it . The reason it all away. A wrestling match with a friend caused the scratches. The bruises are just evidence of a drunken night. Theres an explanation for all of it, carefully section out words that they set out to prove the opposite of what really happened. They are trying too hard. I jerked my chin away flipping the pages. Dostie would never sleep with the likes of hale. She wouldnt want anyone to know if she slept with him, she continues. I had heard this from her when she explained dignity to meet person but the report makes different connections and insinuation burns. Into in, details suggest i worry about reputation, that i would do horrible things to protect the reputation i i didnt even know i had. I squint at the pages linking rapidly to see through the tears, trying to understand why she would say such a thing, why she would even suggest such a horrible thing. It doesnt occur to me until years later when its too late to ever ask that the investigator might have hoped her, too, prodded her the same way he did make a twisted and turned her words into an artful statement that suited them just fine. My testimony is a period a small, tiny space. Its short, dreadfully, deceptively short. Black round letters stare back at me. Saying, i dont know, but i know what he did was wrong. I stand suddenly gripping the report, crumbling start pages and its only a few steps to the wire trash bin. I drop the report into the pail letting it fall on top of spent coffee cups, a box of half eaten pizza, and bottles filled with tobacco dip. I never finish reading it and it never look back, leave it to rot there in the open. So lets see, how much time to have . From a black little more fun in, this is outrageous and away i thought i would do the obligatory asic training chapter. So i went to basic training, just set it up. I was supposed to go to basic training at fort jackson which is called relaxing jackson because its easy, easier and nicer than the makeup and were there for about two weeks or so and they said we dont have room for you so were sending you to fort sill. Which was nicknamed fort kill. And that that had women there in i dont know how long, they didnt use take wind that we were when the first ones heading there. They were on and off as accepting women and not. That is explained at some of the parts im going to skip because im not going to read this whole chapter, but start with the chapters title. Suck up buttercup. My hand seek into the dust, fingers splayed open, arm shake as a present another pushup. I cough choking on the dirt, teeth grinding as i move up down, up in counts of three the grumbles in the distance of an cross the cold oklahoma sky, a sky so vast that it owns at the edges, a land a single drive flat plain beneath it. Steamrolled off our bodies, accruals into clouds and hovers over the platoon, a tangible part of our torture im going to smoke your lazy bitch asses might interest the public about your nose, the drill sergeant promises told between the lines of privates, hands clasped behind his back. Up the orders and were up running in place. Sweat soaked wet undershirt, my knees tremble. Down. Were back in the pushup position, beads of sweat dangling off my nose and dropping with soft splatters into the dust. Go. With upon drawbacks kicking up dust clouds can boots waiting and flutter kicks. Up. Again repeat them up, down, go into my stomach clench his coat grows rigid and then going to vomit. Im not supposed to be here. Im not supposed to be. The thought went to my head on endless loop as muscle fatigue sets in. I dropped to my knees for the pushups. What in gods name are you doing, private . The drill sergeant turns like a bloodhound on said paving on his heel instantly right there crouching, the ends of its face is inches from mine. Are you having a hard time, private . Is this too much for you . Drill sergeant, no, drill sergeant, i guess. Are you sure, private . Because if this is a little too much i can get you a nice cup of suck if the [blank] up buttercup. The center job back home to get off your knees. Im not supposed to be here. Fort sill is not relaxing jackson. Fort sill is for you and love its reputation. All mail post for decades it doesnt know what to do with us females. We are shiny and new and very much dislike. They slept paper over the mens bathroom sign can women jesus called in a black marker and we ignore the handles and a bathroom space. Of the units balked at our existence we are intruders. The sign of the intention the feminist social experiment that would bring about the rent of u. S. Army and they will not abide is quietly. Running in the morning we pass in the unit, allmale, thats all been seem to be. There drill sergeant halts the cadence taking in our dirty hair buns peppered throughout the platoon. The telltale sign of a woman beneath all that green. She is silent for a moment as if we rendered him speechless. Then he grins rollback is shoulders and calls out and you cadence. We are going to rape, kill, pillage, burn, he calls. Are you going, kill, were going to rape, kill, pillage, burn he sings. A predator and they grout back all teeth grinning at the joke at the balls of it rolling out the word along with the sound of it into the oklahoma air. Another day another platoon brushes by filled with angry eyes chanting in meaning mining both catchy version five the toe, if she hollers let her go. On the other hand, hell no. Our drill sergeant or better. They dont make a sing about ray. But thats as far as concessions go. This is fort sill after all. Instead is just a joke, the dick jokes that are prolific. Drill sergeant them a pass of a for a good homoerotic slower. Take that dick out of your mouth private. I cant hear you a drill sergeant screened in the face of another male soldier. What are you looking at me like that, soldier . You like you look like you want to fight me or [blank] either way, talk. You are more data than it did at a gay bar. What are you waiting for cox to see fall out of the sky . Closure mouth. Then theres the degrading anything female feminine. Your soul. Have you got stint in your vagina . Keep moving. Why do sound like a hysterical woman we just got off works at the what youre a bitch screen ill visit your mother. We all ladies, proceeds, and suck my, case my johnson got all of which is perfectly unremarkable windscreen male to male. But even the best drill sergeant squirms when inadvertently demands a single recruit get on these and take his dick asked inches in. His eyes flair wide, his job the ship and he rounds out a male soldier instead of spouting off the same demand as if to show hes not serious. Usually not propositioning her. Some drill sergeants have a harder time aligning ourselves, aligned themselves with the reality of women in the ranks. Then there is the degrading in general, and not not gender specific but always innovative and unique. Soldier, you better get your shit together before time travel and kicked him him in the stomach. Beat your face till youre your, private, another drill sergeant chine center we will all die waiting to never have seen so many abortion survivors, or private i can see the haner starts on your face. The perpetual order to on [blank] yourself. Drill sergeant from a a to brek you. These monstrosities never eat, nervously, never left the uniforms flawlessly press, pristine as if the army nurse them into perfection. They are welltrained and how to dismantle our brains and rebuild them as they see fit. Break, break, break a whisper. And we do in a thousand different ways. The brain snaps under the stress until we simply react all united states, no thinking. Because this is what a good effective soldier does. We shave precious seconds off reaction time. Basic training is that about reforming the body but instead the mind. Its all a mind [blank] brutal but revenue comes in for us and it is. We bond in our shared misery. Oldschool salty, rejecting the evolving army and hard from the muscles lining his chest to the severe cut of his eyes and the ways his black eyebrows angled down across his forehead. 50 years from now some [bleep] hat will ask your drill sergeants name and youllknow it better than your ownand i do. Name here for the first letter of his name because no other name will do. In scant moments between formation, the men and women of our platoon secretly practice our marching, adding an extra step into cadence, a flair performed in unison and we show it off to him on our way to the mess hall, dragging our left foot in perfect time, our little surprise for him. He stands with fists on his hip. There is Something Like a smile on his face, fast and fleeting. He turns to one of the other drill sergeants, you see that . Thats my platoon. We swell at his bride, turning our shoulders back, eager to perform, ready to perform for daddys approval. Theres a reason they like us so young with our teenage brands so malleable, so ready for indoctrination. Humans have a natural aversion to killing and that just wont do. Roots are desensitized to violence, we eat, breathe, shift around the concept until its ever present and becomes second nature. And then theres fun cadence is that nobody wants to hear. But the title of it is walking in a sniperwonderland about killing people at christmas. And the next section talks about how it really sucks at the beginning, you cant run, cant do pushups, cant do sit ups and then you get better and a feeling of power that comesalong when youre finally able to do what theyre asking for. And i love it. I love it. I embraced it all, i embraced the sock. I gobbled it down, the anger, the power. I am greater than me, i have greater than the many, one part of the whole, one cog in the well oiled machine that is this army, the best military the world has ever seen. I am bigger than me, fist up in the air chanting kill, kill. I went yard where all the kids play, pull out my louisiana, begin to spray. Left right, left right kill. You know i will. Go to the mall where all the ladies shop, pull out my machete and i begin to chop. Left right, left right, kill. You know i will. It rumbles from my toes, shiversup the spine at the back of my lips and pours out with vigor and zeal. I am fierce, i am fire. Kill, kill. Headstrong, back screaming with light to the sky. I am a happy convert. Mostly and then it goes into a section about i almost got shot in the head. And then cried because i almost thought i shot somebody else. Im going to read one final little section and end on a happy note which is not quite the end of the book, but this is a slightly nicer part before it dies down the rabbit hole of insanity. Literally. And then we will open for q and a. This is after ive been home and talking about your feelings, your evolving feelings of having been in the military, whether it be combat and the conflicts i feel when people come up and talk to me about it. Then there are the young women who look at me straight, this is at college, look at mestrangely in all or horror as if they dont know how to process me. I stand outside their box, they cant decide if ive bravely defied the machine or if ive been cowed and indoctrinated by it. Is iteven any place for a woman, some ask . Would you suggest i join , ask others. One particular woman stands before me, staring up at me she says, im thinking of joining the army, like becoming an officer. What do you think quest and mark i think i feel old as i look at her, she who was young in more than just physical years. I open my mouth but nothing comes out. How toanswer this . Who am i loyal to do i side with the pride of the uniform, the love ofservice for those years that made me hard but strong. With the love of ligand country and the brothers and sisters ive fought beside or should i be loyal to my sex, should i tell her about the darker side of being a woman in that uniform while standing with those brothers and sisters . Should i warn her about what the love of flag and come country will offer. Instead i tell her it will either be the greatest thing you ever do or the worst which isnt an answer at all and the girl knows it. She pulls her headat me frown, frowning. This parts i clarified lamely. I dont mind hard, she lifts back. You have to be able to handle a joke and you cant be sensitive i say. Im already subconsciously training her on how to conform. Like, not at all, i add. She rolls her eyes at me. Obviously, i grew uparound three brothers. Im used to hanging around guys which isnt the same at all but suddenly i dont want to scare her away. Honestly, i say with a sigh, i loved it because i did. Overall and by and large, i loved it and knowing what i know now if i could go back to the girl i wasnt stand over her shoulder as she leaned over acontract ready to sign her name i dont think id whisper in her ear dont do it. I dont think i would take it all away. I lose running along the beaches in monterey, fluttered kicks in the tall grass. My drill sergeants finally smiling at me, the one night in the iraqi desert that grew colder and colder and the sky with a blanket of unadulterated stars, all the good and all the bad. Im not so sure i would change me. She grins because this is what she wants to hear. I am only here as her confirmation bias. As she walked away i feel a little guilty. I dont know if i properly prepared her. I feel like i lied somehow but the army needs good women. They need strong women. It needs those of us who have no intentions and white picket fences and traditional domesticity. We have been around for thousands of years, us women who dont want to conform and they need to get use tous being here. Were not going away. Were not going to let them win this one. [applause] yay. Okay. Any questions, terrified thoughts . None, do i have to read more . Yes. How old were you when you went in . I enlisted at 18 but i did the delayed Entry Program so i finished high school and i was 19, so i had just , i was 19 when i shipped off. How did you make your way after basic training . Actually, i went in. I used the run around yale with my recruiter beforehand and i talk about that, the training before the training because they would tell me i was overweight even though looking back i was not. I entered basic training the same weight that i left but i was three sizes smaller which was all muscle. And that was actually i talk about in my book one of the reasons i picked the army because the air force kept on impressing on me, not that theres anything wrong with the air force , but kept impressing on me how much easier it was. Everything was easier and they get some good perks and i wanted something harder. But not as hard. Yes. I want to say thank you for sharing this story and i kind of like just completely by accident heard that you were giving a talk and i didnt even know what it was going to be about it i was completely blownaway by it. Im from the uk. Iq for sharing that part. And i just wanted to know why you went to the army . What motivated you to go, especially when you were so young. We were all young, unfortunately when you join but thats a good question. And i talk about this in the book, its a twopart answer. One part was i didnt get into the college that i wanted and i did not set up any backups. I dont know why. And the other part was i just was really, i dont know if addicted is the word but i guess i was addicted to doing different things. I wanted to do exciting things, things that most people didnt do. I wanted to have a story , my whole life. Even before i joined the military i had studied abroad through the rotary club in japan for a year so i have already spoken japanese, traveled to a couple countries so i wanted to do more than just what i thought would be go to college, get married, have kids, which is nothing wrong with that but i wasnt ready for that and i felt the army was my answer. And in some ways, it was. Would you speak about when you were doing interrogations for the iraqis in farsi . The job i never did. I was trained in persian farsi and they sent me to iraq where they speak arabic. So i was quite often grab and said translate this and i said thats another language. They said close enough and i said no, its not. So i cant really talk about what i did do, but i did want to join as an interrogator, thats the reason i wanted to, i wantedto join as a japanese interrogator and i ended up as a linguist. In a country that didnt speak that language. I didgo to monterey, that was fantastic. Monterey is one of the best places in the world. That part was really nice. How many years were you in country . In iraqi . Normally we do one year of deployment. We were the first occupying force. There had been nobody before us and nobody knew what was going on. They said youll only be here for six months, youll be out of here soon so six months came and went and we came upon a year and theyre not supposed todeploy you longer than a year so we were packed up to go home and then its called , there was the uprising of sadr, sadr city, the country went into huge revolt so we were packed up ready to go home and they said nevermind. They sent us to another part of the country for three more months and didnt tell us when we were going home or anything, we assumed we were never going home and staying forever. Any other questions . Ive been told when a person writes a memoir that they cant usually sit down and have their voice come out so you find you had to develop a voice or a style for your memoir and if so, tell us how you did that. Thats a good question but i dont know how to answer. I think i just wrote stuff down and then i worked, workshop some of it at the program at southern witches, i workshop almost exclusively the iraqi stuff. I was not comfortable, i was never comfortable withsharing any of the other stuff. I dont, yeah. I think i wrote it down so that was my voice, iguess. It just came out. So compared to other styles that i write, i typically really enjoy writing urban fantasy and thats obviously a completely different style. Thats a lot more fun. This style and it up just by the way i wrote it, im not sure why being very blunt and to the point and i kept saying it didnt have any player, which i thought it was kind of boring but people seemed to enjoy it. I guess i got lucky. Why did you decide to write it in the first person question mark. Its a memoir, i have to do it in the first person instead of a fiction novel . I tried doing a fiction novel and i had a professor who told me not to, to do a memoir instead. No, i had started and i originally hadwritten , this started as a fiction piece. But it was sort of like a futuristic American Civil War piece and i thought i was going to explore all the same themes in a fiction setting and i had a very good professor saint no, i want to hear the theme, to really hear the themes that you experience them so i wrote another piece that didnt make it into here but it was a memoir piece and it just went from there. Did you ever read or watch the movie the generals daughter . Is that with John Travolta . Its so parallel. I sold this book literally several days before the meeting movement broke. When i spoke to my editor in the Publishing Company and afterwards she even said with me to happening and we had no idea it was going to continue to happen and continue to expose in other fields, but she said she felt like this was a story that needed to be told whether it was in the Metoo Movement or not. I say that unfortunately, thereare women who have a similar story and were hearing more about it now, finally. Do you feel that telling her story has made you stronger . I think telling the story has helped a lot. A lot in not hiding. Once you write it, you cant not say it anymore and it took me a long time in therapy and whatnot just to be able to say the word rape and its not like i run around saying it willynilly but i can say it and a lot of that felt with writing it. Its outthere, i cant hide anymore. And i went pretty dark ithink in this book. I tried to be as brutal and honest as i could be, so yes, much to some peoples, i had a reviewer say, and i never thought about this when i wrote it, i had a reviewer say she writes things most people wouldnt even tell their bestfriend, much less commit toprint. I said thats probably true. Well framed to anyone who went through basic training. Did you ever think about telling the guy who raped you . Thats a very good question. I did, actually a lot of my rage and anger was targeted towards this commander who i felt let me down tremendously. And i think that was projected anger because every time i thought about the guy, i would just get scared or just, it was like a white, mindnumbing emotion but my commander, i could be angry at him so i took it out on him a lot maybe not personally, maybe i hoped it would happen in iraq. Did any enlisted person thought about killing their officer . Thats a great point. Right before we deployedthere was a guy who threw agrenade into his commanders tent. Yes , and our commander was so hated by everyone that whenever the First Sergeant, one of our First Sergeant that when we transitioned, he came up and he slapped him on the back and he said youve got to wear a black vest all the time. So you could tell what kind of commander he was. When you began to write this story before you knew it was going to end up where you are today, did you start to write it as more like a therapeutic thing, to kind of sort through everything that happened and get yourself into a better place about it . Thats a good question. I dont think i put that deep of thought into it. I originally started writing it because, this is a horrible answer. This is probably going to haunt me forever. I started writing it because i wanted to be a better writer and it felt like this was something i could write about. But even that i wasnt sure about, i wasnt sure if anybody was going to care. I didnt feel like i had a story to tell but i wanted to be a better writer so i started putting it down and through time and effort and good professors, i got here. Good or not depends on your opinion. Id like to hear how it came to be, how your writing got a hold of it . This is my cinderella story on how i got published. Absolutely ridiculous. I am really lucky that i crossed paths with this big writer jake melbourne, a fantastic writer and we were rolling together on our gym and we started talking. Somebody had told me he was a writer and i told him what i was writing about so he said send me a piece which he says later he never does and i didnt send it for a long time until one of my professors says go to send it so finally i sent it and he liked it enough to pass it to his agent and he said that he said to her, i feel like this is good but i dont knowand the agent is like, this is really good. Then she passed it on to the person who became my agent who called me and who i thought was interviewing me but really she was like, i want to be your agent right now. So she became my agent and shes awesome so i got really lucky. And then when it came time, when we finally did a submission, the first person i spoke to editor wise was the editor i ended up with. I remember getting off the phone andsaid if all the editors like that, i dont know what to do. She says i dont think theyll all be like that, if you like her, go with her. She did a preemptive offer which means an offer so we dont go to auction so i dont anybody else and again, i could not have asked for a better editor so i got lucky all around. This is more a statement than a question. I read the firsttwo chapters. The hard parts. As a friend, as a father, as a veteran, its hard to get through but you write in such a way that, and to write about that subject and for a man or female to not take the position of right or wrong, you told the story. And having been in those situations of bad judgment, being around officers where you just see those things, i could totally relate. The Second Chapter where you talk about the system and i talked to trish about this, anybody who served has been in that situation. Not like you, but where they felt alone. At one point in time for one reason or another and you capture that unbelievably well and i was saying, we do this year, we could run away. Nowhere to go and no one to talk to, or one or two people. You captured that well. Thank you. I did talk about one part where because of my security clearance i couldnt go awol you remember when you get awol you get 30 days or the fbi comes. We had, im going to says this wrong and someones going to call me out but its 48 hours before they come and get us. They know how to scare you. Youve been gone for six months and they would never have known. They convince you. It got dogs hunting for you in the night. You have to pay them back forever. So is that all . Did you have to serve with your regiment . I did. I dont know if it was weeks or months. There was a time i had still be in formation and i had to look out for him everywhere i went and they told me they moved him to i thought off the base and i ran into him at a regiment motor pool so he was still there and then i was not in a good mental state. I just couldnt take being around him anymore and i told them that as we were getting ready to deploy to iraq and they said hes staying behind because you getting out so you can stay to rear deployment or go to iraq and i said im going to iraq. Thats how i got away. By going to a war zone. In anger . I did not. And i was shotat a lot but a lot of times , correction, i was not shot at a lot, i was shot at a couple times. Its a lot when youre getting shot at but people get shot at a lot more and i dont want to make it sound like i was rambo or anything like that. Thats not what the stories about to be. I like that when you said that was out of a rambo movie. When i was in aviation wiese read the aviation reports and thats what he did. He talking at my First Sergeant who was a pathological liar. He said he threw that out of a chopper and i said isnt that out of a rambo movie . But no, i never was. I can say now i was very lucky that i never had to fire my weapon. At the time, it felt frustrating because you are being shot at and youre angry and you want to do what you think youre supposed to do and you want to do what youre being trained to do. You want to think you can prove yourself and its only in retrospect that i can say im so lucky i never had to do what other soldiers and servicemembershave been required to do. Time for one more question. I wanted to ask you how you dealt with like the trauma after. The psychological and being there. On a daytoday basis. I dont know, i imagine being in the army like stuck there. And also by yourself without family or a support mechanism, how you dealt with the trauma. Thats a really good question. Theres four sections to my book and the entire Fourth Section deals with. This is very common for ptsd when youre in it, you tend to push feelings down and you keep operating and even when i was in iraq i felt good. I felt like i was better. And i felt stronger and i thought i had brought myself all back together and i was so proud of myself and then when i came back, not even when i first came back to the states but after i got out of the service, i was doing some time in national guard, once your home and your safe and theres no more threats that typically when ptsd might kick in. For me it was a very long evolving door of symptoms. For example, my combat symptoms can trigger my rate symptoms or vice versa. They got all confused and ptsd itself can manifest continually change so i went from having anxiety to depression to feeling ashamed and selfhatred to being angry like, its amazing and disturbing what the brain can do to yourself. And i did a lot of therapy area and i still do therapy, medication. Still on medication. Sometimes i dont have to be and something can happen and theni have to be and im lucky that i have a good support system, the va system has been great and i know when i have to go seek help. I can recognize now at this point finally, thats not right, maybe i should talk to my therapist. So i think thats just living with ptsd. Okay. [applause] we of course do have books for sale so im sure ryan will be happy to sign your books for you so please make your way to the buying table. Thanks for coming. Heres a look at some books being published this week. In a river of fire, sister helen praise john shares her thoughts on abolishing the Death Penalty and reflects on her life as a political activist. Christopher leonard examines the rise of Koch Industries and how its an example of the modern corporation in kochland. How the internet has changed peoples attitudes toward the truth and john helprin, former medical director of the Boston Center for Addiction Treatment provide the history of the opium poppy. Also published this week, Brian Rosenwald talk radio america explains how conservative talk radio has transformed the republican party. In the immoral majority, and how argues that the pursuit of political power over christian values is detrimental to the religious right. And Lawrence Weschler recalled the life of the late neurologist and author oliver sacks in and how are you, doctor sachs west and mark look for these titles in bookstores this week and watch for the authors on book tv on cspan2. Youre watching book tv on cspan2 with top nonfiction books and authors every weekend. Televisionfor serious readers. Heres programs to watch out for this weekend. Our guest on after words is terry mcauliffe. He offers his thoughts on the events that led up to the tragedy in charlottesville following the unite the right rally in 2017. Also casey heights, former advisor to george w. Bush thoughts about the post white house years of president Richard Nixon area nadina lassini talks about becoming an disability rights activist, the chair of the commission to create a white House Counsel on boys and men about his latest book the boy crisis and former public radio host veronica record offers her thoughts on how women can reclaim their voice. Get your cable guide or a visit booktv. Org for a completeschedule of all the programs airing this weekend. On behalf of townhall and pleased to welcome you to tonight appearance by author anthony began discussing this fascinating new book shadowlands this event is presented by townhall as part of our civics series, supported by the