Im hobbled to be sitting at a president with president obama whom i greatly in mire, the leader of the worlds most powerful poorest country. These are myt, birth certificate jokes for sale thank you for the timing on that come up mr. President , now unusable. [laughter] [applause] we were working on these jokes for months. One of my guy said, are you worried we are a little heavy on bursa to get jokes . What if he relays birth certificate jokes . What if he releases it before the dinner . And i said why would he do that . He is not going to wait three years and then do it before the dinner. Who told you i had bursa to get jokes . I had birth certificate jokes . It was assigned, wasnt it . Wasnt it . Is biden still Vice President . If not i am down to thank you and god bless america. [laughter] perform for you tonight as well as the handful of people watching at home on cspan. [laughter] cspan is of course the official network of wide shots of empty chairs. [laughter] every time i tune into cspan it looks like they just had a fire drill. [laughter] cspan is one unpaid electric bill away from being a radio station. [laughter] people think bin laden is hiding in the hindu kush, but did you know the everyday from 4 00 to 5 00 ecosystem on cspan . [cheers and applause] not complaining about cspan. I usually work on nbc. To not and thrilled to be on a Network People actually watch. The fact that i am projected on four screens makes me the thirdhighest show on nbc. [applause] comcast bought abc this year. I assume by accident. Bought an bc this year this year. Ht nbc i seen by accident. Or one goleman sachs bought it and bundled it in a lowered trance. I assumed that doug might work but it only kind of did. It will not join the on the road. That joke. All that history and all these amazing buildings and here we are, at the hilton. [laughter] the red carpet outside was amazing. Who are you wearing . What does it matter. Im going into a hilton. [laughter] wrong, im happy we are at the hilton because no matter how i do tonight, i am earning Hilton Honors points. [laughter] jokes. Not like these but i will be laughing all the way to a free breakfast. [laughter] for those of you who do not know , the White House Correspondents Association is an organization of journalists who cover the white house and the president. Earlier senator jon kyl told me 9 of what they do is abortions. [applause] tonight is not about our pluto differences. Tonight is about the after party. Tonight is not about our political differences. Is not the after party. I hear everyone is excited to go to the Bloomberg Party. You know how i know im not in new york . In the art, no one is excited to go to the Bloomberg Party. [laughter] in new york, a Bloomberg Party is five people smoking outside of arkham planning about bloomberg. [laughter] obligated toually attend the msnbc party tonight. Everyone knows how the msnbc party works. President obama makes the koolaid. And everyone there drinks it. [applause] home . Ose to my there are unscheduled parties tonight and ill have to give a rundown. Fox news is having a party. Security is tough. Bring your drivers license and your longform drivers license. If youre blonde do not worry about it, just bring that dynamite smile. [applause] the New York Times party used to be free but tonight is a cover. [laughter] else i willyone probably just go to the Huffington Post party. And the Huffington Post party is asking people to go to other parties first and just steal food and drinks and bring it from there. [laughter and applause] me wrong. I love arianna huffington, especially her voice. She sounds like a woman who would be sitting in bed with a sheet wrapped around her as a james bond is walking out the door. Will i see you again, james . [laughter] and breitbart after party will be crazy. It will not be good. But it will be crazy. [laughter] on a side note i met james okeefe last night. At least i think it was james okeefe. He may have just been a regular pimp who hated organize labor. Imis having a party but sure it will be pretty sedate. How well can a party get when it is held in accordance with sharia law . [laughter] it is what i was told. [laughter] this is been the year of sweeping changes happening in tv news. Katie couric is leaving cbs. She was known for asking tough questions like, name a newspaper . [applause] years of hardhitting questions and she is going to be remembered for the one that could have doubled as a category on family feud. [laughter] question, name something you keep in your attic . [laughter] katie is one of the many departures we have seen this year. Npr fired Juan Williams after he said muslims make him nervous. So he is black and afraid of muslims making him the least likely man to get it cap in new york city. [laughter] [applause] cab in the art city. Olbermann was suspended for donating money to three democratic campaigns. The punishment seemed harsh compared to the slap on the rest that larry king got after giving a buffalo nickel to the campaign of chester a arthur. [laughter] cnn replaced larry king with piers morgan, like that old expression come out with the old and with the who . [laughter] rick sanchez, youre gone but you are forgotten. [laughter] not everyone is leaving. I friend Anderson Cooper is still at cnn. I love watching report from the field. You can tell how much danger he is and by how tight his clothing is. [laughter] if he is then the bulky yellow slicker it is a hurricane offshore. If he is in the khaki best he is in the green zone in baghdad. When he is in the child size white tshirt, bullets are flying and he is giving hunched and pulling kittens out of the rubble. [laughter] [applause] getting punched. If you ever see Anderson Cooper with his shirt off, turn off your television and run. [laughter] msnbc has a new slogan, lean forward. As if the problem has been that we could not hear them. [laughter] lean forward . Have you seen hardball . Yells like an auctioneer in a wind tunnel. I have never watched and thought i need to get closer to that. [laughter] now where than ever it is clear media is changing. News outlets are adapting to an online world. Bloomberg news is on twitter. 000h an impressive 220, followers. Only 20,000 less than a cover that escaped from the bronx zoo. My friend and colleague from nbc Brian Williams is here. Brian said he is coming because tonight has the elements he respects and an evening, cameras. [laughter] im not saying brian loves being egyptbut when he went to it was because he heard it was their pilot season. I have nothing but respect for my good friend brian. He landed in london to cover the Royal Wedding only to turn around and return to america to cover the tornadoes in alabama. He was incredibly brave and courageous and that is a direct quote from Brian Williams. [applause] tonight has grown past washington and hollywoods liberties are also here. Jon hamm is here. Celebritiesywood are here. Jon hamm looks away all republicans think they look. [laughter] isalifianakis is a way also here. He looks away republicans think democrats like. [laughter] since we are talking about celebrities and Reality Stars we might as will talk about that 2012 republican candidates. Look at the options the republicans are kicking around. Huckabee, gingrich, trump. That is not sound like a field of candidates. That sound like season 13 of dancing with the stars. And not the stars, the dancers. [laughter] lets start with mitt romney. He read a book called no apologies. No apologies . When you have to per claim no apologies, isnt that a tacit admission you have made a lot of mistakes. If i come home from a trip to vegas and i say to my girlfriend, no apologies, we are going to have a followup conversation. [laughter] both rand paul and ron paul have been talking about a run in 2012. So they have something in common with my father and i. We are also not going to get elected president. [laughter] im sure people will love nothing more than a debate between father and son. That, you ruin everything 10 is considering a run. If you look up boring in the dictionary, that is more exciting than listening to tim valenti. He makes al gore look like rupal. Ru paul. [laughter] Mike Huckabee is considering a run. He said the president s race can kenya, went to a Muslim School and hates america but despite that he seems like a sweet person. So he sounds less like a president ial candidate and more like my aunt. And then theres donald trump. Donald trump has been saying he will run for president as a republican which is surprising since i assumed he was running as a joke. [laughter] donald trump often appears on fox which is ironic because a fox often appears on donald trump had. [applause] [laughter] if you are the Washington Post table with trump and you cannot finish your entree, do not worry, the fox will eat it. [laughter] and if i can from moment talked about the birther issue, when did we get so suspicious about where people were born . A usa today poll last week said the percent of americans think the president was deftly born in the u. S. Moree very same poll 5 said donald trump was definitely born in the u. S. Has it reached a point where americans only think something someone was born here if they saw it . I know i was born here. And i know my younger brother was born here. But when it comes to my older brother, i can only take him at his word. [laughter] gary busey said donald trump would make a great president. Of course he said the same thing about an old rusty bird kt found. [laughter] donald trump owns the miss usa pageant, which is great for republicans because it will streamline their search for a Vice President. [laughter] [laughter and applause] said he has a great relationship with the blacks. But unless the blacks are a family of white people, i bet he is mistaken. [laughter] i like that trump is filthy rich but nobody told his accent. His whole life is models and goldleaf and marble columns but he still sounds like a know it all down that the otb. He may not be a good choice for president but he would make a great press secretary. How much fun with that be . Kim jongun noon is a loser. His latest rally was a flop. The head of iran, he wears a wind breaker and has no class. I on the other hand, so my own line of ties. You can find them and macys, in the flammable section. [laughter] it is not a strong field. Who knows that they can beat you in 2012 . I tell you who can deftly beat you, mr. President . 2008 bark obama. You would have loved him. Obama. Barack you would have loved him, so charismatic, so charming. C2 idealistic . Maybe but you would have loved him. We were member the inauguration, the first lady was there. And as beautiful as you looked that day, you look more beautiful tonight. [laughter] the other hand, mr. President. [laughter] have aged a little. What happened to you . When you are sworn in looks like the guy from the old spice commercial. [laughter] now you look like louis gosset senior. [laughter] said this to anyone before, but maybe you should start smoking again. [laughter] is this the change you are talking about . [laughter] mr. President , look at your hair. If your hair gets any whiter the tea party is going to endorse it. [laughter] an angryg to get voicemail from jenny thomas in 19 years. [laughter] i believe the president would agree the mood has changed since the beginning of his term. At the beginning of his term as to president , housewives were trying to sneak into the white house. Not anymore. Now everyone is leaving. Axelrod, gibbs, rahm emanuel. By this Time Next Year it will be you and joe biden, try to find toner for the copy machine. [laughter] and your election can paint has begun. I bet it is hard to get back in Campaign Mode again. You know his really doing it, will i am. He is writing words that rhyme with debt ceiling. [laughter] the Heritage Foundation projected that joke would get a standing ovation. [laughter] i should not trust those guys. Mr. President , i still have confidence in you. For one, you still have the first lady. And of course, you still have joe biden. What can i say about joe biden that has not already been had a by joe biden. [laughter] asmagine having joe biden Vice President is like taking your bluecollar dad to a fancy restaurant. He is more comical at the olive garden. Talks too loud, mispronounce is the sauces and you are tempted to lean over to the waiter and say im sorry, he is from scranton. [laughter] the president and joe biden were not invited to the Royal Wedding and when biden found out he made at least said to the president , you, me, wedding crashers ii. I will book us to amtrak tickets to london. [laughter] the Vice President loves trains. He loves the trains and i assume it mustve been hard for the president to tell biden the new budget cut 15 5 billion from highspeed rail. In and take off your engineers cap. I have some bad news about the choochoos. [laughter] , one ofroke the news his overall straps sadly drooped off his shoulder. On the subject of budgets i would be remiss not to mention paul ryan. Paul ryan introduced the budget plan that would overhaul medicare and make deep cuts to other social and health care programs. Because he believes the American People have said loud and clear, stop using my tax dollars to take care of me. [laughter] i noticed his approach to the budget led many to praise paul ryan as a serious adult and i have to state nothing is more depressing bout politics and the fact that adults is now a compliment. Adult is only a complement to a child. I am so proud of you. You acted like an adult tonight. I am glad i brought you to my bosses house for dinner. You even cut your own meat like a big boy. [laughter] congress there a lot of things you want us to be oppressed by but we are not impressed by. We are not impressed you set next to each other at the state of the union. Do you know what the rest of americans call an evening spent debt sitting next to a person with wildly different political views . Thanksgiving. [laughter and applause] we are not impressed when you complained ills are too long to read. The healthcare bill is 2000 pages. A bill that enters every person ensures everythat person insures every person in america should be longer than a girl with the dragon tattoo. I do not think you read bills anyway. I think you bout the same way the rest of us agree to updated terms and conditions on itunes. [laughter and applause] i should wrap it up. Im getting the red light. Not the red light that signals i am out of time, the red light that signals the cspan handy cam is running low on batteries. [laughter] i want to thank all the journalist here tonight. I cannot do my job if you did not do yours. It is fitting this event happened on the same weekend as the Royal Wedding. As i was walking into the festivities i cannot help thinking it is how wonderful it is to live in a country where people do not wear hats like that. [laughter and applause] tonight has truly been an incredible honor for me. America is the greatest country on earth and, at least when my speech started, was still a nation rated aaa i standard poors. Thank you and good night. [cheers and applause] [applause] [applause] [cheers and applause] [applause] at a 2005 why has correspondence dinner, president george bush started to make response but was interrupted by first lady laura bush. She took over anma
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