Transcripts For COM The 20240702

Comedy central. Its americas only source for news. This is the daily show with your host, Michael Kosta [cheers and applause] michael welcome to the daily show im Michael Kosta. Weve got so much to talk about joe biden has a new fan, donald trump is afraid for his life, and rfk jr. Is reaching out to the only people weirder than he is. So lets get into all of it, with our continuing coverage of indecision 2024 [cheers and applause] lets kick things off with polls. Theres a new one every 15 minutes. Even though none of us have ever met a Single Person who has participated in one, but whatever, someones doing them but a new poll out today reminds us that, no matter how dumb our leaders are, we the people are even dumber. The guardian did, like, a commissioned harris poll for americans and how they feel about the economy. 55 say the economy is shrinking. 56 say the economy is in recession, which, you know, we know on cnbc is not the case. 49 believe the s p is down for the year. I know. Which seems incredible. Which its up about 13 and 23 last year. 49 also say unemployment is at a 50 year high. In fact, unemployment is at a 50 year low, or near there, under 4 . Michael all right, so just to summarize we think the economy is shrinking when its actually growing, that the stock market is down when its actually up, and that unemployment is at a 50 year high when its actually near a 50 year low. But we do know that bennifer is on the rocks, so were not completely pathetic. It might just be me, but maybe, as a society, we shouldnt have replaced newspapers with dudes ranting in cars. I dont know. And look, in a way, i get it. People dont judge the economy based on data. Theyre like, you say gdp is up, but i say i used to be on my cousins netflix account and now i have to get my own, so yeah, jerome powell, were in a recession. [applause] but you have to remember, these are not surveys of americans. These are surveys of americans who are willing to talk to a stranger who cold calls them in the middle of a workday. What im saying is, these people are not normal. I mean, i ignore phone calls from my own mother, thats normal. Sometimes ill get three, four, five calls in a row, then a bunch of texts, the car is filling up with water. I dont have time for this, mom ill see you at thanksgiving. Thats normal. Either way, clearly joe biden needs to do a better job of getting word out about the healthy economy. Maybe he just needs a hype man, you know . Like how notorious b. I. G had p. Diddy. Maybe p. Diddy can do it, whats he up to . [audience reacts] is he i guess hes not available right now. Okay. While biden has his work cut out for him trying to win over people who arent fully informed about the stock market, one of his rivals is going after a much Smaller Group of people who are obsessed with it. U. S. President ial candidate robert f. Kennedy jr. Is now trying to appeal to amateur traders on reddit, who call themselves apes and intentionally invest in Distressed Companies like gamestop. The politician saying that he personally invested 24,000 in gamestop. The tweet accompanied by the bizarre new Campaign Poster showing kennedy and an actual ape, each holding what appears to be a falcon. Michael wait, forget gamestop. Why does this picture look like hes on a honeymoon with that falcon . Are they in love, or is the falcon just trying to get a better angle on that worm in his brain . Now you might think its weird for rfk jr. To be going after this tiny little specific group, but dont forget, america is just a bunch of tiny little specific groups. First, he gets the reddit apes, then he gets the furries, then the tradwives, cottagecore tiktok, disney adults, jetblue frequent fliers with mosaic elite status. The next thing you know, its january and hes giving his state of the union from burning man. Lets move on to republican candidate donald trump. Recently, he took over the Republican National committee, and today, someone sent him a housewarming gift. We begin with breaking news from the Republican National Committee Headquarters in washington, d. C. It was placed on lockdown this morning after vials of blood were sent to the building according to multiple sources. Weve learned that package was addressed to former President Donald Trump and it contained two vials of blood. Michael what the [bleep] is going on here . Someone sent blood to the rnc . I guess it could just be Rudy Giulianis lunch order. But even so, why is anyone sending blood through the mail . Its 2024, people fax it. But seriously, dont send blood to the rnc. Thats reckless. Now youre gonna end up on their mailing list. But you can see why donald trump might be freaked out by this. Because as you may have heard, somebody is trying to assassinate him. Donald trump is now claiming that the fbi raid on maralago two years ago was actually joe bidens attempt to assassinate him. He pointed to wording in the search warrant that allowed the fbi to use lethal force if necessary, which the fbi says is standard protocol in any search. But in a fundraising email to supporters, trump wrote, they were authorized to shoot me and you know theyre just itching to do the unthinkable. Joe biden was locked and loaded, ready to take me out. Michael holy shit. Locked and loaded . Ready to take me out . I have never heard joe biden sound so [bleep] cool in my life. I always thought of him as a doddering old man. [applause] i always thought of biden as a doddering old man but donald trump makes him sound like one of the expendables. The rest of you take who you want, but leave the orange man to me. Can you tape wheel of fortune . This might take a little while. Now personally, i think it would be very difficult to assassinate donald trump, mostly because he would never get that close to a book depository. But regardless, i dont think trump actually fears getting assassinated by joe biden. And the reason is because he announced it in a fundraising email. If youre dodging bullets, you dont stop to wave your venmo qr code. Somebody, please send money for more on this socalled assassination conspiracy, we go live to josh johnson. [cheers and applause] josh, whats the latest . Hi, michael. Im at joe bidens campaign headquarters, in the donald trump assassination room, and the mood here is frustrated. Michael wait. Joe biden actually is trying to assassinate donald trump . Oh, of course trump is 100 correct. Bidens been trying to take him out for years. The entire fbi raid was their best chance. They were going to roll into maralago, corner trump in his office, surround him like scarface, then be like [gunshots] then secret service is like skew, skew, skew then trump gets lit up like blippity, blippity, blippity. Mission accomplished. [applause] michael i dont think thats how guns sound. Thats cause you not from the streets. Michael okay, fine, but if they were trying to assassinate trump, why would they raid his house on the day he wasnt even there . Look, theyre trying to find trump, but the guys like the wind. Whens the last time you saw him . Michael i saw him yesterday. Hes been at that new york courthouse every day for two months and when hes not there, hes at a rally that he promotes on his website damn, howd you know that . You should join the team you can stand right next to me, hit em with some of that [fake shooting sounds] [moaning] michael josh, josh, im positive thats not how guns sound. Wow, suburban white boy going to tell me about guns. Okay, all right. [applause] like youve ever caught a body, kosta. Michael hold on, lets get back to this story, this is huge news. Is biden still trying to take trump out . Oh, yeah. Everything in Donald Trumps life is a joe biden plot against him. Even the poison. Michael poison . Yeah, what do you think kfc is . You think thats just a business . No, its a 77yearlong plan to clog up trumps arteries. And thats not all. Did you ever notice trump has been aging one day, every single day that bidens been president . You think that just happens to people . Wake up, michael. Its a secret plot to kill trump with natural causes. This [bleep] is diabolical michael isnt that just how time works . Why would biden do something that complicated . Trump said a president has total immunity to take out his rivals. Why cant biden just use a drone . Ooh, drones. Kosta, you smart, you sure you dont want to be on the Assassination Team . Have the drones coming down like [highpitched bird noise] michael drones dont sound like birds i know that. Then why they in the sky . Okay . Country club kosta is going to tell me, a man from the streets, what a military grade predator drone sounds like michael its not important look, biden is wasting so much time trying to take out trump, hes going to end up losing the election to him exactly, and the stress of that job will kill trump for sure. Michael but trump was already president and hes fine. Yeah, for one term. But give him three or four more terms and hes done for. Thats the biden brain, baby. Michael wow. Its the perfect plot. Josh johnson, everyone. [cheers and applause] when we come back, we actually find some fans of joe biden. So dont go away. [cheers and applause] is you with me now . Then biggiebiggiebounce i know you dig the way i swswswitch my style holla people sing around now people gather round now people jump around go, get ur freak on go, get ur freak on go, get ur freak on whats the worst part of the locker room . Shareef axe. Axe. Brandon i like that. Shareef reminds me of like a designer store. Brandon this smells like a candle. Shareef is this a joke . You chose axe brandon i knew i had good taste shareef i thought that was a designer brand. [cheers and applause] michael welcome back to the daily show. Theres plenty of endangered species out there, but in american politics, theres one species more endangered than most. In this election, republicans have their run or die candidate, who they want to be president forever. And democrats, they also have a guy. The best way to get something done, if you hold near and dear to you that you like to be able to anyway. Four more years. Joe biden has an enthusiasm problem. The polling shows that democrats are not enthused. Joe biden, democrats are not excited. Speak about maybe we in the media are out of touch. I hit the streets to ask what do voters really think about joe biden . Not the most excited. I mean, hes okay. I wish i was more excited. On a scale of 1 to 10 . Probably somewhere around two or three. What would you compare to seeing some really beautiful latte are . That maybe is a five. Could you point in this graph how you feel about voting for joe biden . Okay. But if you couldnt tell by the stick and poked tattoos and warby parker glasses, these people were all democrats. There must be something they like about joe biden. Hes a big ice cream guy. Cant vote against that. What you think his favorite flavor is . Manella, 100 . Got to be super meant. He is our president. He is our president. Slap that on a tshirt. I love it. I expect him to behave like a president as opposed to. He definitely is not a child. Then i found one person whose passion whelmed to me. On a scale of 1 to 10, how excited are you about voting for joe biden . 11. 11. Oh, my god. Is this joe, joe biden or a famous corgi and unser graham named joe biden . Joseph Robinette Biden are in jr. My god, there is an older one . Who is this guy . Against my better judgment, i followed him to his car. Oh, my god oh. Okay. It is a cardboard cutout. Before i get into your car, this isnt a sex thing, right . It is not. I didnt think so. Oh, my god, you have kamala too. You have the full cabinet in there . Where is the acting labor secretary . Julie . This is bidens biggest and only super fan. Does he hold the key to defeat donald trump and his maga army. Donald trump has this huge fan club of tens of thousands of intense weirdos and the 11 has you. Why do you think that is . There is sort of a cult mentality going on there. I think they have an unnatural devotion to a Single Person. Right. A cultlike devotion to one man. Lets talk about the cardboard cut out. Why do you keep it in your trunk . Dont you want to see them in the morning and say, whats up, joe . Well, my boyfriend, hes less enthusiastic. Oh, my god. Having him watch us all times. You have a boyfriend . I do. Okay, setting aside the question of whether the boyfriend was also a cardboard cutout, winded to go to first realize he wasnt biden curious . I was a senior in high school in 2012 and i had just come out of the closet and joe biden had announced his support for marriage equality. And you thought to yourself, hes a little young right now to be president but may be in eight years, hell be ready . At the time, not so much. But this man literally came out of retirement to save our country from White Supremacists and fascism. So you like him more than when he was just that . Absolutely. That is a strong endorsement at a time when joe biden is so unpopular that somehow, hating him is uniting proisrael. And propalestine protesters. So what does dakota see in this guy . His swag, his whispery voice, what is left of his hair . Mostly his policies. They are so many to choose from. Really . I cant even think about me. Go off. I would think of what he came into office, he immediately got off to work with the American Rescue plan, follow that up with a bipartisan infrastructure act, the chips and science act. The chips and salsa act . Chips and science. Maybe we need to make policy more. I think you are right. There was his 80th birthday when he had all the candles. I guess we can have fun with glaring reminders of his age. Turns out, the things that get dakota excited are different from other voters. What did he think their problem was . Well, he is an older, straight, white gentleman. And in democratic circles, that is usually not what gets us excited. I dont think theres anything we can do about as oldness or his whiteness, but do you think he would consider exploring his sexuality . Sure. Joe Biden Joe Biden tumbler fan fiction aside, could dakota get democrats fired up about biden . Not like that. Ill be pretend to be someone who is not overly enthused to vote for joe biden and i want to convince me. All right . Im ready. Do you love living in a democracy . Yes. Oh, my gosh. I thought the perfect candidate for you to vote for. Who is it . It is the current president , joe biden. Oh. It is about full normalcy, and sanity, and keeping the institutions that have built our Constitutional Republic first centuries. Keeping things the same as they are now. With minor improvements. With minor improvements. I guess, one thing that is good about bidens he doesnt have the baggage, say that hillary has. I love hillary. Come on maybe i have been focusing on the wrong thing. Maybe it isnt the voters that need the pep talk. Its joe biden and dakota has some advice that will shape the Political Landscape forever. I would say, keep doing what you are doing but do it better. Yeah. Way to pump him up. [laughter] well, there is always 2028. Seriously, can i please sit in the front . No, i am sorry. [cheers and applause] michael thank you, troy. When we come back, jb smoove will be joining me on the show. So dont go away. [cheers and applause] i wanna see all my friends at once [droids beeping] [loud indistinct chatter] [message received tone] i wanna see all my friends at once [find my chime] i wanna see all my friends at once [find my chime] [in unison] hey [thud] i wanna see all my friends at once do you guys think we come here too much . Your cousin from boston summer ale octoberfest winter lager cold snap nah its sam season unlike those other messy whole body deodorants, native whole body deo dries on contact, doesnt leave white residue on clothes, and fights odor for 72 hours. For your pits, privates, chest, thighs, and feet how do they do it . Get native. Norman, bad news. I never graduated from med school. What . But the good news is. Xfinity mobile just got even better now, you can automatically connect to wifi speeds up to a gig on the go. Plus, buy one unlimited line and get one free for a year. I gotta get this deal. I know. Faster wifi and savings . I dont want to miss that. Thats amazing doc. Mobile savings are calling. Visit xfinitymobile. Com to learn more. Doc . And squish, and squish. Ok good. Keep squishing fingers relaxed. And squish. Great thank you, good job squish the rainbow, taste the rainbow i think we need a bigger yard, with our credit . Ow, ow, ow, ow. Credit karma can show us how to improve our credit for free, then we can get a place with a bigger yard. Yay. Intuit credit karma. Download the app today. [cheers and applause] michael welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight is an emmywinning actor and comedian who plays leon black on curb your enthusiasm. You ever considered how much time you have wasted in your life urinating . Hundreds of hours. You could be learning something in that time, you know . You know whos going to be a billionaire, the [bleep] who creates a car that runs on piss. Yeah. Why waste it . Now that idiotic brain of you has finally landed. You have landed on something. Water and gatorades and shit, coffees and shit, pull over the dick out, you are on your merry way. The peeus. Michael please welcome jb smoove [cheers and applause] thats great. Oh, my god. Hey, man. Lets dial right in, baby. Let me tell you something, no truer words than ever have been spoken, man. Michael than that. Let me tell you something. You invent that car, you will be assassinated. You know how you would ruin big oil. What . You are out of here. Michael when i liked about that clip was the dick hole for the car, you still had to get out and walk to it. I was thinking you have to get out. Michael what is that supposed to mean . Hey, whatever. [applause] you set that up perfect. Michael i set you up perfect. So was that in the script . Dick in the hole or is that jb doing jb . Curb has no script. There is only an outline based on the idea for the episode. But that changes also, based on where you go. There is branches. Its branches everywhere. What is going to be the best path . What am i going to get the most funny out of . Having his back or fighting with him . You know what i mean . A good fight is always great. Michael but there is also takes if you deciding it doesnt work. Or does jb . [laughs] it always works. Michael it is fun watching because you see larry sometimes crack or you can see in his eyes, he goes, i dont know whats happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughter] that is where the stand up part comes in. Michael i was going to ask you about stand up. That is where that comes in. We, as standups, we have to be able to read people. How are you going to be in a room full of 2,000 people in the audience, you have to find that one [bleep] who is not laughing. Michael i know, right. Hes like michael you dont think, im making 1,099 people laugh. You are thanking him whats wrong with this [bleep] right there . That is what we do. Not just improv people, but standup comedians have a unique we can feel. Is it called an empath . We are like an empath. Michael i like that. We can feel your energy. Michael its true. We feel it. We know when to move onto the next bit. The decibels in our ear goes up and comes back down to a certain level and we know to move on. Weve got an opening for the next bit. But weve got to read people. I got to read him because im trying to honestly make a snot bubble come out of his [bleep] nose [cheers and applause] michael and you do. You do. Woo hey, you make somebody laugh and you make a snot bubble come out, that is the ultimate. Standup comics also take the drama of the world and we convert that drama, because we have a different filtration system. We take everything we have been through and rearrange it to make you laugh about it. We are also therapists. Michael [laughs] we touch on things michael its true. That only we can touch on it in that way. Look, man. If you get rid of the comedian, you might as well just [bleep] die. Michael [laughs] no, i am telling you, because there is no way in hell you could take the brunt of the real world every day without somebody who is able to take that world, filtrate it, put it through your body, and give it back to you in a manageable form. Michael you have always made me laugh on curb, your stand up. Thank you for coming and hanging out with us. Man, its easy, baby michael congratulations on curb. The final season of curb your enthusiasm is available to stream on max jb smoove. Were going to take a quick break, but well be right back after this. The vehicle. The vehicle [cheers and applause] a mystery jessie loves playing detective. But the real mystery was her irritated skin. So, we switched to tide free gentle. It cleans better, and doesnt leave behind irritating residues. And its gentle on her skin. Tide free and gentle liquid is epa safer choice certified. Its gotta be tide. Fun facts. Tostitos scoops are made to hold delicious salsa. Queso . Really anything its the chip that begs to be dipped. Tostitos. Get to the good stuff. Welcome to the credit karmaverse. Here we monitor your finances and alert you to changes big and small, so you can enjoy less stress and more piece of mind. Simply scan your screen to experience intuit credit karma for yourself. Finding the right home for us was tough, but our agent joe just got our needs. Hey joe hey we went on home tour after home tour. And he didn■t stop until we got the one. [bacon sizzles] [bacon sizzles] [electronic music plays] [bacon sizzles] [electronic music plays] woo whats the worst part of the locker room . Shareef axe. Axe. Brandon i like that. Shareef reminds me of like a designer store. Brandon this smells like a candle. Shareef is this a joke . You chose axe brandon i knew i had good taste shareef i thought that was a designer brand. [cheers and applause] michael thats our show for tonight. Now here it is, your moment of zen. Look, i will just be very plain and simple. I was of the state of the Union Address and joe biden must have been jacked up on something. I absolutely believe that from a medical standpoint. What you mean he was jacked up at the state of the union . I believe they gave him something to help him sustain the laughs and 60 in the figure that he had. That was not joe biden. I was in there. He screamed for two hours. He screamed for two hours. And you know, maybe we can talk offline and i will show you something and i think that proves that. You will show me what . 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