[cheers and applause] jon hey welcome to the daily show my name is jon stewart we have a terrific program for you tonight. I hosted on thursday and i am back on monday. I just dont know how much longer i can do it. Barely any rest. Just slept in a hyperbaric chamber. Im going to be talking to one of my favorites, ilana glazer is going to be joining us. [cheers and applause] she is the best. But first, lets get into the news. As you know, the fascinating penisthemed trial of professor Donald Bartholomew trump continued today. What you might not know is that it is not the only salacious, highlevel governmentofficial trial going on today. Because right across the street, in new yorks famed public corruption district, new jersey democratic senator Robert Menendez [audience reacts] my god, menendez turned heel. They are not booing well, they were booing. He faced the first day of his reckoning. Federal prosecutors allege the former chair of the powerful Senate ForeignRelations Committee conspired with his wife nadine to accept bribes from a trio of wealthy businessmen in exchange for political favors to help the governments of qatar and egypt. The powerful senator allegedly pressured the department of agriculture to help an associate maintain a monopoly on the importation of halal meat to the United States. [laughter] jon i dont mean to get sentimental here, but in what other country in the world can a cubanamerican senator work handinhand with an egyptianborn businessman to corner the halal meat market . [laughter and applause] living in america but yes, senator menendez is accused of using his access and influence as senator to illegally help a variety of shady governments and clients. But what evidence do we really have . Federal agents searched the menendez home in june 2022, finding over 480,000 in cash. Two bags filled with 100,000 each. 100,000 worth of gold bars. Payments toward a mortgage. A Mercedes Benz convertible. Furniture, exercise equipment, even an air purifier. Four boots stuffed with cash. Cash even found in the senators embroidered congressional jacket. Jon sacrilege cash in the lining of a congressional jacket, which, oddly enough, is reversible. But the money is in his house. And his jacket and his boots. And it has lining his pockets. But none of it ties the money to menendez or egypt the indictment says, upon returning from one trip to egypt, menendez performed a web search for how much is one kilo of gold worth. [laughter and applause] jon damn you, metric system i wouldve gotten away with it too, if it werent for you meddling kids and your base10 system of measurements and weights there could be a lot of reasonable, benign explanations for why a senators house would be stuffed with cash and gold bars. Home heating insulation, perhaps . Or something stupider . According to the new york times, his lawyers now offering a new explanation as to why he had thousands of dollars in gold and in cash in his home. They say that the habit is rooted in traumatic family history. [audience reacts] jon these are simply my emotional support gold bars whenever i am not with them, i get anxious. People respond to trauma in different ways. Now when it comes to any trial, of course, and weve seen this play out endless times, finding an impartial journey. Defense attorneys have proposed asking prospective jurors if they have opinions about people from new jersey and do they think that because they are from new jersey, that theyre more likely to break the law. [laughter and applause] jon you mother[bleep]. You bury one union leader at your football stadium whilst running a human organ trafficking ring through some secaucus rabbis, and suddenly your whole state is a suspect. You believe this, tone . Huh, tone . You will leave this . Antinew jersey discrimination, thats what it is so obviously this is shaping up to be one of the more cartoonishly blatant Corruption Cases in some time. Jersey guy with gold bars stuffed in his jacket and a nice freezer of some halal meats. Anything else that might speak to the general character of this United States senator . Menendez has denied any wrongdoing. According to court filings, his lawyers indicate he may try to blame his wife. [audience reacts] jon yes, its those three magic words every woman is dying to hear it was her she did it you know, id feel a lot worse for her if she wasnt also demonstrably a terrible person. Read up on it. I cant explain everything right now. I will just say this. [bleep] awful. But perhaps the dumbest thing about this entire, notquitebelievable, real housewives episode, is how unnecessary it all is. You, sir, are an elected official in americas most respected legislative body. Its like a license to print money you dont need to break the law so cartoonishly when the legal corruption in the senate is so [bleep] lucrative which brings us to our new segment senator Robert Menendez, how dumb is you . [cheers and applause] as a new jersey resident, as a constituent of yours, senator menendez, i have to ask, with all due respect how [bleep] dumb is you . Promising favors to foreign entities for a little chump change on the side, its bushleague, when, as a u. S. Senator, you can enrich yourself in so many different, letscallthemlegal ways . For instance, the stock market members of Congress Stock portfolios consistently beat the s p 500. The average hedge fund was beating the market at 7 . The study found that the average u. S. Senator was beating the stock market by 12 . Jon the average u. S. Senator. And if you think it is because the average u. S. Senator is just so smart, this is the average u. S. Senator tommy tuberville, an exfootball coach who doesnt know the three branches of government. Oh, but when it comes to the stock market, he sees the matrix how do they do it . Well, the secret is a shrewd understanding of the intricate interconnectivity of Global Markets im kidding, they have inside information. California congressman democrat, named alan lowenthal, his wife sold shares of boeing march 5th of 2020. The very next day, the committee on which he serves in the house released a damaging report on the boeing 737 max. Jon oh, my god what timing you see that . See, the rest of us find out about boeings problems as we are being sucked out of the fuselage midflight. Just flying out over the wing. [applause] you are flying in the air over the wing. Sell, sell i dont think they are good and it happens all the time North Carolina senator richard burr received a private briefing in 2020 about how bad the covid pandemic was going to be for america. And he immediately sold off his stocks, saving himself a small fortune. Of course, he had a reasonable explanation. We wanted to ask you about those stock trades back in february of 2020. You know, the sec says that you had material nonpublic information when you made those trades . You have to look at what i put out. I did look at what you put out. How is that not Insider Trading . Jon im so sorry, sir. I wanted to answer your question. If only there was a button that kept elevator doors open by the way, if you dont have a goldplated elevator, you can avoid these types of questions yourself by just pretending to take the stairs. Oh, i am sorry. Taking the elevator back up. [cheers and applause] i would do that bit more but my knees hurt as soon as i did the first one, because i didnt do in rehearsal, i did it just now and i was like, that is not a good idea that is one of those where you are like, stop the taping and pull me back up now you might be wondering to yourself, how does congress get away with all of this . It may be because congress is regulated by, let me check my notes here. Congress and its congress that has refused to even hold a vote on the bills that have been proposed to ban members of congress from trading stocks. Because not letting members of Congress Insider trade would be unamerican just listen to one of the biggest beneficiaries of this stock windfall. Should members of congress and their spouses be banned from trading individual stocks while serving in congress . No. No to the second one. This is a free market and people we have a free market economy. They should be able to participate in that. Jon oh, freemarket. Excuse me, ms. Speaker, i dont mean to interrupt. Im Martha Stewart from the why the [bleep] did i go to jail timespicayune. Why the [bleep] did i go to j jail . [applause] but heres the thing, in a free market, everyone has access to the same information. So unless youre going to put us all on the committees, i dont get it. Now to be fair, congress does have rules against corruption. Members of congress are not allowed to receive what might be viewed as enticements or bribes from lobbyists. No free concert tickets. They cannot accept food baked goods, sandwiches, et cetera. It just wouldnt be proper. But in congresss infinite wisdom, they do allow organizations to set up leadership pacs, where a congressperson can turn political donations from lobbyists into slush funds. A pharma lobbyist cannot buy a senator a panini and some nyquil, but through the pac, they can pay for fivestar hotels for kirsten gillibrand, luxury resorts for ted cruz, and even golf lessons for rand paul. Its all in ayn rands famous book atlas putted. Really . That is my literate crowd. I read that in college actually. This is corruption in plain sight. We wont accept gifts, but if i want to have a luxury experience, and you would like to pay for it, and then join me on said experience, where we can discuss issues important to you and your industry, whos the wiser . Right, senator mike lee of utah . Shortly after this slopeside lunch for 22 friends, we decided to ask senator mike lee just why hes doing this. Politicians raise funds and this is what we do. I enjoy skiing. Thank you very much. Thanks a lot. Jon from now on, i am ending every uncomfortable conversation i have about anything with, i enjoy skiing. Good day [cheers and applause] but but are luxury lobbying vacations still too much work, senator menendez . cause you could always write laws that directly benefit your side business, like the way senator Chuck Grassley netted 370,000 in farm subsidies. Or the 5. 3 million that california representative doug lamalfa got for his gentleman farm. And by the way, for that money, you better be growing actual [bleep] gentlemen its all legal, and not a gold bar in sight or you could leverage your stature in government to get lucrative lobbying positions for your wife and your three kids, like missouri senator roy blunt. I dont even understand why that would be a question. Everybodys family does something. Jon my father was a corporate lobbyist, like his father and his father before him. Yes, everybodys family does something. For instance, your daughter might receive unusually greenlighted chinese patents. Or your soninlaw might receive billions in noquestionsasked saudi investment. Or your son might get a lucrative seat on a corporate board. Lets hear hunter explain that one away. If your last name was not biden, do you think you would have been asked to be on the board of burisma . I dont know, i dont know, probably not. Jon holy shit. Out of all the senators and representatives who dodged and prevaricate it and wouldnt answer any [bleep] questions, you know youre in trouble when the most honest and transparent person in a story of government corruption is the excrackhead. Yeah. [cheers and applause] i dont know if i like jon stewart anymore. [laughs] now you might think, someone should step in and stop congress from being able to enrich themselves. Perhaps the Supreme Court well, it will come as no surprise that the same guys who think its fine to accept a luxury winnebago from a wealthy businessman have made it much harder to police corruption. In a decision called mcdonnell versus the United States, they said that the appearance of corruption is not nearly enough for it to be considered against the law. It must be. This very narrow quid pro quo idea. You know, im going to give you a cartoonish sack of money in exchange for an actual vote. Jon whilst twirling my handlebar mustache at every turn, our congress and our courts have been given a choice be less corrupt, or redefine what constitutes corruption, and get on with your bad selves. Its a game of reverse limbo. Having trouble getting under the bar of corruption weve set . Well. Ooh how about now . Robert menendezs gold bars in exchange for favorable legislation is obviously, cartoonishly corrupt. But for anyone out there who thinks the status quo of government patronage and influence is of an entirely different species than menendez . How dumb is you . When we come back, ilana glazer will be joining us. Dont go away. [cheers and applause] were in the middle of. Seizing the date in the middle of. Trying new things in the middle of the perfect pairing. And parking it here for the night so come get away. Together. To the incredible, unforgettable illinois the middle of everything. Someones smelling fresh. Does she take my old spice total Body Deodorant with 24 7 freshness, and use it all over her total body and all over their total bodies . Unbelievable. old spice mnemonic youre really making all of this by hand. Oh yeah. The avocados are hand mashed, the chips are hand tossed. And everything is made fresh you make it fresh every day. Yes, every day. The chipotle way is we make it fresh every day. Sounds delicious. New ricola throat balm. Coats and protects we make your throat. Y day. A center with liquid honey wrapped in smooth caramel flavor. New ricola throat balm. Coat your throat. [ ] you made a cow actually its a piggy bank. My inspiration to start saving. How about a more solid way to save . Im listening. Well, bmo helps get your savings habit into shape with a cash reward every month you save. Both cash reward . And theres a cash bonus when you open a new Checking Account to get you started. Wow. Anything you cant do . mugs. Bmo new ricola throat balm. Coats and protects your throat. A center with liquid honey wrapped in smooth caramel flavor. New ricola throat balm. Coat your throat. [ricola ] it makes no sense that some people forget lunch. At popeyes, we say go crispy. Go bold. Go memorable. We say lets bring lunch back. We dont make sense. We make chicken. Love that chicken from popeyes [cheers and applause] jon welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight is an actor and a comedian. She cowrote and stars in the new film babes. I am 28 for 28. I could do a 29th . Yeah, no. You are clearly pregnant. Okay. I dont know how this could have happened. I have had sex once since my last period but i was on my period. So . So you cant get pregnant on your period. Girl. Girl . Girl. Girl. Girl. Girl, yes, you can. Girl, stop. Girl, you stop. We went to the same school. We learned the same shit. Come on. No, you cant. Maam, im a doctor. You are a dentist. Jon please welcome ilana glazer [cheers and applause] ilana glazer first of all, you know i love you. I just love you, jon stewart. Jon and i love you a lot [laughs] jon and, boy, this movie is so good thank you. Jon the relationship between you and michelle is so lovely and easy and just natural. And weve been friends for 20 years. Jon oh, for real . For truly 20 years. She is like jon the hugs are real. Big titty just uh we are just [cheers and applause] michelle loves top titty meat. Our top titty meat just spilling over. 20 years [laughter] top titty meat, jon stewart, you know what i mean . [cheers and applause] to be honest [cheers and applause] to be honest, this is how women talk. Jon yes. When we first sent this script out, i wrote this with my mom just called you back stage the number one mensch. You are like number two compared to josh raibnowitz who i wrote this with. Jon you wrote this script with him. Yeah, yeah. He is number one. Such a mensch. And you know, when and susie fox, our producer as we were writing this and collaborating it, we put a list together of the most surprising and absurd experiences we were having becoming parents, and we couldnt believe that these things hadnt been covered in film. Jon is there anything more fun than talking about a movie that they have not seen yet . There is very little i enjoy more than the secret information that you and i have, that they [laughs] jon i imagine the oppenheimer people did that. They came around and said, you know what he said to einstein . The audience is like, i dont [bleep] know what the movie is is. Should i give a summary . Jon do you want to give a summary . I will give a summary. Jon give a summary. [cheers and applause] so this movie is about two best friends who are in very different points in their lives. Dawn, who is played by michelle buteau, has two kids and a husband and my character, eden, is single and a free spirit and gets knocked up and decides to keep the baby. Jon [laughs] and their friendship is tested thereafter, and hilarity and verklemptness ensues jon also pathos. Mad, mad pathos. Crumbs, no crumbs. Jon they leave no crumbs i just love you so much and you are so good. I love you too. Thank you. Jon everything you do is filled with bangers after bangers. The lines are so funny and your stuff is so good. Oh, my gosh, thank you. Jon for gods sakes, woman. It is my honor, my pleasure, you are my hero. Jon stop it. [cheers and applause] babes will be in theaters this friday, may 17th. Ilana glazer. Were going to take a quick break, but well be right back after this. [cheers and applause] remember space . And legroom . thats more like it. The threerow lexus tx. higher love by Whitney Houston summertime back then looked a little different. But while summer may change, it always tastes great. So reach for your favorite chips and sips and taste more summer. Norman, bad news. So ri never graduatedorite from med school. What . But the good news is. Xfinity mobile just got even better now, you can automatically connect to wifi speeds up to a gig on the go. Plus, buy one unlimited line and get one free for a year. I gotta get this deal. Thats like 20 a month per unlimited line. I dont want to miss that. Thats amazing doc. Mobile savings are calling. Visit xfinitymobile. Com to learn more. Doc . Look at the salt on that dressed dos equis. After two billion years underground, that salt couldve ended up in a halfempty box in a halfempty pantry. But now, its lucky enough to find itself circling an Authentic Mexican dos equis. congratulations, salt. From where you sit now, its clear your patience paid off handsomely. Old spice gentlemans super hydration body wash. whispered vanilla and shea. 24 7 moisturization with vitamin b3. knock on the door are you using all the old spice . Oops. old spice mnemonic [cheers and applause] jon thats our show for tonight before we go, we check in with your host for the rest of the week, desi lydic desi [cheers and applause] gesturing in your direction. Desi, what do you have for us this week . Well, tomorrow night is the wnba Season Opener and Caitlin Clarks big debut. [cheers and applause] which actually reminds me, i need to apologize to her real quick. Caitlin, i am so sorry that my hosting week is overshadowing your big night. I dont get to choose when i host, its just on rotation, but i promise im not trying to pull focus. Im a girls girl, okay . I got your back. [cheers and applause] jon i am sure there is going to be room for everybody that night. People could maybe tune into both. Maybe. Or maybe the wnba pushes the start of the season back a week. I think that would be better for her. Jon yeah, i dont know if they are going to do that. Desi lydic, hosting all this week. Now here it is, your moment of zen. I dont think that is hannibal lector, the legendary hannibal lector, and they are coming into our country now, totally unchecked, unvented. That is hannibal lector. Hannibal lector. The silence of the lambs and stuff, you know . Hannibal lector was from the insane asylum. Silence of the lambs. Has anybody ever seen silence of the lambs . The late great hannibal lector is a wonderful man. Im going down to south park gonna have myself a time both Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation im going down to south park gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting howdy neighbor headin on up to south park gonna see if i cant unwind [muffled] come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine do do do doo da da da da daa ya da da daa do do doo da da daa heyde, heyde, heyde hows it going, guys . What the hell are you so happy about, fatass . Oh, nothing, no big deal, really. Whats no big deal . Well, guys, it seems that i am the first one of us to reach manhood after all. What the hell are you talking about . Well, because unlike you guys, i just got my first pubes. Ya da da da ya da da dee [muffled] you got pubes . Whats pubes . Pubic hair. Hes saying he got his first pubic hair. Oh. No, you didnt oh, yes, i did. Im becoming a man. Hes lying. You wanna see em . Hell, no here, check em out. We dont wanna see them, cartman there, see . How do you like them apples . Ha what are those . My pubes. What . I got em from Scott Tenorman. Scott tenorman the ninth grader . Yep, he let me have em for just 10 bucks. Ha, ha, ha i got pubes before you guys did i got pubes before you guys ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha cartman, you are so goddamn stupid, its unbelievable. Ahha, dont be jealous, guys. This doesnt mean we cant still hang out. It just means that i matured faster than you. Youll get your pubes, guys, someday. Cartman, you dont buy pubes, you grow them yourself. Whwhat . When you get old enough, you grow your own pubic hair thats attached to you, you [bleep] dumbass nahah. Yeahhuh. But then why would Scott Tenorman sell me his pubes for 10 . Because, retard, youre dumb enough to buy Scott Tenormans pubes for 10. Youre telling me these pubes are worth nothing . Yeah. Im gonna get that son of a bitch. And so i told him, i say, here, ill sell you my pubes for only 10 bucks. And the stupid asshole buys them. [both laughing] speak of the devil. What do you want . Uh, yes, ive come to return these pubes that i purchased, please. Unhuh, i dont take returns. Right, but you see, i didnt realize when i bought these pubes from you, that you were full of [bleep], so you can either give me back my 10, or i can go tell my mom on you. You would actually tell your mom that you were stupid enough to pay for my pubes . Uhuh, i dont think so. Just give me back my money. Buyer beware, dude. Give me my 10, scott. Hey, i said no. Now get your fat little butt out of here before i kick your head in. [doorbell chimes] hello, sir, my name is kris kristofferson. Im with the i. R. S. Im here to collect 10 that you owe in back taxes. Youre not from the i. R. S. You glued my pubes onto your face. Tax evasion is a very serious offense, sir. I suggest that you all right, all right. Ill trade you my pubes back for the money. You will . Oh, cool how much did i charge . Oh, yeah, 10. You got change for a 20 . Oh, uh. I only got six dollars and 12 cents. Oh, well, thats okay. Here, just give me the 6. And then ill give you the 20. Okay. Now, give me the pubes, and ill give you back 2. Right. Now, give me the 12 cents. And ill give you the rest of your change back. Cool. And then give me the 20, and ill give you the pubes. Sweet uh ah, god damn it that asshole. That big, smelly, asssniffing asshole. Im gonna get him cartman, can i give you some advice . What . Just let it go, dude. Youre only out 16. 12. Count your losses and move on. Hes smarter than you. He is not smarter than me he just charmed me, thats all. Hes a charmer, that Scott Tenorman, but ill get him someday. One, please. One, please. [muffled] one please. One please. Thatll be 6. Okay, and how much is that in pubes . We dont take pubes. Listen, my money is as good as anybodys. Dont you. Discriminate against my people by not accepting these pubes. We dont take pubes, end of story racist [doorbell rings] scott, Scott Courtney love is in south park shes all drunk and spreading her legs and showing her poonaner to everybody you gotta go check it out ill watch your house for you. Okay, ill buy the pubes back, here. What . 16, take it. Ill even throw in an extra five, here. Give me back my pubes. Why do you want them back so much . No reason. I dont believe you. All right, all right. The pube fair in fort collins. Pube fair . Theyre paying five bucks a hair for pubes. If i leave now, i can catch the last bus. Five bucks a hair . Thats, like, a Million Dollars ha, ha, i dont think so, scott. Im going to fort collins myself. Oh, you cant do this to me. No ha, ha, sure right you are, scott. Have you no heart . Ha, ha, what a stupid asshole heh, heh, heh. Ha, ha, hoo 1 million woo ah ha, ha, ha. Heh. Eh, excuse me, sir. Yes . Can you tell me where the pube fair is . The pube fair . Yeah, ive got some pubes to sell. Theres no such thing, you little smart ass. No no such thing . You wouldnt happen to be eric cartman, would you . Im eric cartman. Oh, i think this is for you. Ahhhh [knocking] 106 miles, scott. I had to ride 106 miles in the back of a pickup truck to get back here. You really went . What a tard. All right, scott, you win, i give up. You do . Wow, youre not as stupid as i thought. Yeah, ill see you around. Sure is too bad about my grandma, though. Your grandma . Huh . Oh, its not really your concern. Its just that, well, my grandma is in the hospital. Shes very sick, and the doctors say unless i can come up with 16 for her operation, theyre gonna put her down. Oh, jeez, i didnt realize that. Yeah, poor grandma. Hey, kid, hold on a second, ill get your money. Heh, heh, heh. Hes such a douche. Here you go. Oh, wow, thanks a lot, scott. But just one thing before i give it to you. What . I justwell, i want to you beg for it. Huh . Just get down on your knees and beg me for the money. Why . Do you want your grandma to live or not . [quickly] please, scott, give me my money. No, no, get down on your knees. Lower your head. And say, i beg you to give me back my money. I beg you to give me back my money. Now say, im a little piggy. What . Say it. Im a little piggy. Heres my snout. Heres my snout. Oink, oink, oink. Oink, oink, oink. Now, dance, little piggy, dance and oink for me. Im a little piggy, heres my snout oink, oink, oink oink, oink, oink im a little piggy [laughs] all right, now give me back my money you mean this . You really care that much about 16 measly dollars . I mean, what can you buy with 16 . My parents give me a 50aweek allowance. This pittance Means Nothing to me. Watch. Whwhat are you doing . No, no. Why . Now you cant bug me for your dumb money. [screaming] he needs protection that goes beyond. Dove men with 72h protection and 1 4 moisturizer. So he can forget his underarms and focus on being unforgettable. Dove men. Forgettable underarms, unforgettable you. Febreze man i dont about yall, but when it comes to working from home, i gotta have every part of my house clean. That means tidying up, then spraying my febreze air mist, to leave every room smelling fresh and clean. With that done, its time to get to work. La la la la la [all talking] concerned citizens, i thank you for coming. I know that youre all deeply troubled and want to find a quick and painful way to get rid of Scott Tenorman once and for all. Yes, clyde . Whos Scott Tenorman . All yeah. Scott tenorman is an eighth grader who sold cartman his pubes for 10, and now cartmans all pissed off. 16. 12. He is a disease. He is a cold, calculating man, and i will have revenge what are you gonna do . Did you guys see that movie hannibal, where the deformed guy trained giant pigs to eat his enemy alive . Well, if we find a pony, we can train it, train it to bite off Scott Tenormans wiener. It will be painful and humiliating. Everyone will see it happen. And then Scott Tenorman will forever be known as the kid who had his wiener bitten off by a pony ha, ha, ha whats in it for us . What . Yeah, why should we all care about getting Scott Tenorman back for you . Oh, right. Why should we care . Yes, why should we care . Indeed. Lets just let Scott Tenorman walk away with my 16. 12. Hell, lets let all the Scott Tenormans of the world take whats ours and laugh in our faces. Why stand up for yourself when you can just walk out of here right now and say its not your problem. But, years from now, when youre old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day, this one day, where you could have made a difference. Where you couldve told Scott Tenorman, you may take our pride, but youll never take my goddamn 16. 12 . Now, whos with me . Timmy christ. All right, i guess its just you and me, timmy. Oh, no, not timmy. [door slams] there we go. Come and get it come on, pony, bite the wiener. Bite it. Come on, good pony. Thats it. Now, bite it off bite off the wiener, good pony oh, no, pony, hell like that. Eric, are you training that pony to please you . No, im trying to teach it how to bite someones penis off. Oh, well, does mr. Jenkins know youre using his pony . He shoots trespassers on sight, you know. He said it was okay. All right, then. Wait, why the hell are you training jenkins pony to bite off someones penis . Because. Of Scott Tenorman. I hate him, and i want to make him suffer. Well, son, i think youve got a pretty stupid plan there. Not like that, pony look, if you wanna get revenge on somebody, youve gotta think like a hunter. What do you mean . Step one find someones weakness. Step two exploit that weakness. How do i do that . What do you see . I see Scott Tenorman, with his ginger red hair and his stupid freckles. And god damn it i hate him i hate him no, young hunter. I mean, what do you see . You must learn all you can about your kill. Right, right. Lets see. Theres posters, radiohead posters. And hes reading a magazine about radiohead. Whats a radiohead . You know, that band that sings that song. Well, im a creep, im a weirdo [through voice box] what am i doing here oh, jesus, dont start singing, ned. So the subject is a big radiohead fan, huh . [cockney accent] maybe i should come up with a litl scheme that involves them. Nice thinking, young hunter. Whoa. What . Im looking in scotts parents room. Scotts moms about to take off her bra. What . Give me those holy crow, hes right, ned mrs. Tenormans lettin the twins out. Let me see. Radiohead. Yes, of course. Dear god, theyre even bigger than i ever imagined let me see, let me see here you go. Wow, those were great. Maybe i should go grab some beers, ned. Ned, what are you jackin it . Kinda. Well, stop it hey, what the hell are you doing out there . Oh, crap whos out there . Ned, for christs sakes, stop jackin it. I cant. Dont think i dont see you i know who you are, and im calling the police whoa whoops i gotta get out of here [doorbell rings] oh, hey, scott. Hows it going . I was just wondering, do you like the band, uh, radiohead at all . Uhhuh. Oh, really . Oh, cause theyre doing a big interview on mtv, and theyre playing it tonight on a big screen downtown. Everyones gonna be there. Oh, cool. Thanks for telling me. Youre welcome, scott. Okay, well, looks like everyone is here. Lets play the video, shall we . Welcome back to mtv. Were here with the members from radiohead, probably the hottest band in the world right now. Guys, when is your next album coming out . [cartman dubbed over] thats an interesting question, kurt. But first id just like to say, that i really hate this kid named Scott Tenorman. Hes stupid. Yeah, i hate Scott Tenorman too. I think all the guys in the band hate him, right, guys . Oh, jesus, did you hear that, scott . And, will there be a new tour . Well, we would tour, but we just hate that Scott Tenorman kid so much that we dont want to. Yeah, Scott Tenorman is totally not cool. Hes not cool. Wow, that really sucks for you, scott. Scott . Ha, ha, ha, ha did you see that . Scott mustve run home so embarrassed. Ha, ha, ha and you know what . That wasnt really radiohead talking. I just dubbed their voices over. Ha, ha, ha what a retard and everyone saw it [feedback whistling] ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, its time for the amazing pube boy im a little piggy, heres my snout oink, oink, oink oink, oink, oink [all laughing] im a little piggy heres my snout [laughter increasing] oh, my god, he killed kenny. That does it. Im gonna get Scott Tenorman once and for all [thunder crashes] you think youre so cool, Scott Tenorman. Well see how cool you feel after this. Yes, yes. Yes [muttering] ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yes, it is the most genius plan ever. 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Progressive makes it easy to save with a quick commercial auto quote online. So you can get back to your monster todo list. Really . Get a quote at progresivecommercial. Com. Okay, cartman, what do you want . Stan, kyle, thanks for coming. Ive got it all figured out. Got what all figured out . How to get Scott Tenorman back. Oh, jesus. Ive just finished planning a brilliant litl scheme that should put scott in his place for good. And if you help me, ill give each of you 2. Okay, so whats the plan . Its the brilliant combination of my last two plans. Scott tenormans favorite band is radiohead, right . Yeah . So, i realized, what if we got radiohead to come here to south park, right . Then they could meet Scott Tenorman and. See him get his wiener bitten off by a pony what . Dont you see . If i can get this pony to bite off scotts wiener in front of radiohead, then scott would cry. And if scott cries, then radiohead will think Scott Tenorman is totally not cool and that would make Scott Tenorman want to die. Ha, ha, ha okay, ill keep working on the pony. You guys go get radiohead to play here. Ready . Break youre such a dumbass, cartman. Fine, ill do it myself you guys just watch ready, pony . Bite it yes thom, will you stop reading fan mail . We have work to do. Just a second, fellas. Listen to this. Dear radiohead, my name is eric cartman. Im a young, supple eightyearold boy from south park, colorado. Im writing to you because of a kid i know named Scott Tenorman. Scott is 15, and im afraid he has cancer. In his ass. Radiohead is his favorite band, and it would make his short life if you could find it in your hearts to visit him before he dies, alone, scared. Wont you please consider it . I dont think hell make it past next tuesday, around 5 00. Wow, we have to go. To colorado . But weve got an album to mix. Didnt you hear the letter . This poor kid has cancer in his ass [phone ringing] hello . Scott tenorman . What do you want . We just wanna warn you, eric cartman, the fourth grader, is going try to trick you somehow into getting your wiener bitten off by a pony that lives at Jenkins Ranch. How do you know . cause were his friends. Then why are you telling me . cause we hate him. Oh. Well, we just thought wed let you know. See ya. See ya. [doorbell rings] hello, scott. Hey. I was just stopping by to invite you to my chili con carnival. Its a chili cookoff with rides. Everyones coming, and i wanted to drop by your invitation personally. Ooh, a chili carnival, huh . That sounds great. Yeah, theres even gonna be a big surprise so you wont wanna miss it, scott. Oh, and here. Heres a coupon good for one free pony ride. Wow, a pony ride. Neat. Oh, it will be very neat, scott. Gosh. Chili, rides, and ponies. What more could i want . [quietly] a little penisbiting, perhaps. What . Nothing, nothing. So youll come for sure, then, scott . How could i turn it down . Sweet, killer. Bye, scott. Oh, you are good, eric. You are very, very good. Mom, dad, that was my good friend eric at the door. He told me that theres a starving pony at Jenkins Ranch thats been abandoned. Oh, dear. Yeah, i feel really bad, but i dont know how i can help it because i have a lot of homework to do. Well, dont you worry, scott. Your mom and i can go get the pony and have it taken to an animal shelter. We sure can. Wow, would you really . I feel so much better now. Oh, scott, youre such a loving, caring boy. Im so proud of you. Im proud of you too, mom. Lets go, hon. Lets. What are you doing, scott . Whats it look like . Im making chili. Did you bring the goods . We got everyone we could find to chip in. Theres pubes from just about every kid in town in here. Awesome. Oh, dude the little fat kid thinks hes gonna get revenge tomorrow. Well see how he likes it when i tell him he just ate the pubes of every kid in town. Yeah [all laughing] oh no, a rash. Maybe itll go away. Awww, how am i going to find a doctor ill actually like . Is that a qr code . Dr. Stafford makes you feel at ease. Thanks rash youve got more options than you know. Book now. Tech need to get your windshield fixed . Safelite makes it easy. You can schedule in just a few clicks. And well come to you with a replacement you can trust. Vo schedule Free Mobile Service now at safelite. Com. Safelite repair, safelite replace. Oh, hello, guys. Thanks for coming to my chili con carnival. This is the dumbest thing youve ever done, cartman. Oh, it wont be so dumb when Scott Tenorman arrives. I suggest you stay to see the fireworks. Oh, we will. Trust us. We wouldnt miss this. Whats so funny . Oh, nothing. Its just cool how youre gonna get Scott Tenorman back. Is radiohead here yet . Not yet, but they will be. Yeah, sure. Hello, eric. Hey, chef. I made some chili to enter into the contest. What contest . This is a chili cookoff, aint it . Huh . Oh, yeah, i guess it is. Here, just put it over here. Its my special recipe. Scott tenorman how are you, scott . Thanks so much for coming. Oh, i wouldnt miss this for anything. Likewise. Well, come on. Youve got to see the pony. Just a second, dont you wanna taste my chili first . Well, yeah, but theres a special guest coming, and i want you to be near the pony when they arrive. Well, i dont want it to get cold. I think i can win first prize. All right, scott, lets go over to the judging table and well try the chili first. God damn it. All right, i guess we should taste each others chili, huh . This chili looks pretty good. Heres mine. Mmm, i dont know, your chili is good, cartman. But i think mine is better, try it. All right. Hey, this is great its a special recipe. God, this is really good, scott. Im glad you like it so much, because now that youre almost finished, i have something to tell you. What . You mean about how you put pubes in your chili . What . Yes, im afraid this isnt your chili, scott. I switched it with chefs. Its delicious, chef. I hadnt planned on that. What i did plan on, however, was that my friends stan and kyle would betray me and warn you that the chili con carnival was a trap. I assumed that they would tell you that i trained jenkins pony to bite off your wiener. What they didnt tell you was that jenkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would go and try to do something to the pony, i warned mr. Jenkins that violent pony killers were in the area. I also knew that you wouldnt go yourself for fear of having your wiener bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. And im afraid that when mr. Jenkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. [gunfire] well, they was trespassin, and i was protectin myself. I have my rights. My. Mom and dad are dead . I came just in time to see mr. Jenkins giving his report to officer barbrady, and of course to steal the bodies. After a night with the hacksaw, i was all ready to put on my chili con carnival. So that i could tell you personally about your parents demise. And of course, feed you your chili. Do you like it . Do you like it, scott . I call it. Mr. And mrs. Tenorman chili. Oh, my god oh, my god nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah i made you eat your parents nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah jesus christ, dude my mom and dad are dead no, no ah, excuse me . Who are you . Were that band, radiohead. Jeez, what a little crybaby. You gonna cry all day, crybaby . You know, everyone has problems. It doesnt mean you have to be a little crybaby about it. Come on, guys, lets go. This kid is totally not cool. Yeah, thats the most uncool kid ive ever met. Little crybaby. No, wait wait oh, my god oh, my god yes yes oh, let me taste your tears, scott. Mmm, your tears are so yummy and sweet. Dude, i think it might be best for us to never piss cartman off again. Good call. Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness. Mmm, yummy, yummy, you guys. Yibbidybip thats all, folks captioning by captionmax www. Captionmax. Com im going down to south park gonna have myself a time both Friendly Faces toeverywhere humble folks without temptation