Ronny welcome to the daily show im ronny chieng. And hes jordan klepper. Jordan i actually am and weve got so much to talk about tonight. Congress finally passes a bill. Tennessee teachers are getting strapped. And pickleball is coming for your family. So lets get into the headlines. [cheers and applause] lets begin with the a major announcement from the president of the united states. It is a good day for america, its a good day for europe, and its a good day for world peace. Jordan ooh, a good day for world peace ive wanted one of those i wonder what happened. Did the nations of the world finally band together to outlaw war . Did they finally buy everyone in the world a coke . Is there finally peace between kendrick and drake . What is it . Moments ago at the white house, President Biden signed a longawaited aid package for ukraine, israel, and taiwan into law. In total, about 95 billion will go toward assisting ukraine and israels war efforts and money to counter chinas aggression in the indopacific. Jordan oh. Oh. World peace. Okay, okay. Is peace the one with the tanks . Is that the one . I went to public school. That wasnt funded because they spent all that money on peace. [applause] ronny may be the president is being sarcastic. Like, its a good day for world peace, everybody. Jordan right, right, yes, yes. Yes, after months of delay, President Biden today signed a military aid package for ukraine, israel, and taiwan. Yes, taiwan. Now, theyre not at war yet, but you got to book a reservation in advance just to save your spot. And even though this bill passed easily, it had been held up for six months because rightwing republicans threatened to kick Speaker Mike Johnson from office if he helped ukraine. But now that he let it go through, everyones been talking about him like this. I applaud speaker johnsons courage. What youre witnessing here is moral courage. A profile in courage is putting the nation above yourself. And thats what he did. Not only put this up for a vote, but he also separated the bills, which i thought was courageous. Did the right thing. Made his own decision. Made his own decision. Put his job on the line. What do we call that . And thats courage profile in courage. In this case, thats courage. Jordan its courage, ronny. Ronny its courage. Courage. Courage. The word is courage. Jordan profile encourage. Ronny courage. Jordan courage. Ronny so courage jordan thank you. Jordan so apparently, mike johnson is the hero here. Sure, a couple of ukrainian cities fell while he decided whether or not to be courageous, but he got around to it i mean, were always praising the first responders, but what about the eventual responders, huh . The ones who jump in their fire truck and say, hey lets stop for froyo on the way . Wheres their ticker tape parade . I salute you, mike johnson. I mean, not now, but six months from now, ill work up the courage to do it. [cheers and applause] but moving on. Because with all this Money Congress is sending overseas, you might be wondering, hey, when does ronny get a little taste of this, hmm . When is the government going to do a Little Something for me . The Biden Administration revealing new Airline Passenger rights protecting folks from hidden fees and other frustrations of flying like the refund policy for flight delays. Passengers must now get automatic cash refunds when a flight is canceled for any reason or delayed by more than three hours for domestic flights more than six hours for international. Ronny okay, cash refunds. Okay, thats something. Jordan yeah, im always having airplane delays. Ronny yeah, that is pretty good, but thats only a small part of the problem. What about when airplanes make you change airports or add connections . Theyre always trying to screw you over if the Airline Changes any of your airports, adds connections, downgrades your seat, or even changes the plane to one thats less accessible to those with disabilities, those are all new reasons for cash refunds. [cheers and applause] ronny i am cautiously optimistic. Youve got my attention. It is pretty good. In fact, it feels a little too good to be true. Hey, i guess all i got to worry about is losing my luggage and shitty wifi. If your checked bags arent delivered within as little as 12 hours or your wifi doesnt work, youre entitled to refunds. Ronny this is the greatest thing the government has ever done in history jordan i mean, the new deal ronny in history jordan sure. Ronny jordan, the man is refunding you for wifi in the sky that doesnt work what more could you want . Jordan still got to fix that thing with the doors falling off midflight. Ronny well get to that but thank you, joe biden, thank you for making my life better. Now just bring back roe v. Wade so i dont have to sit next to a crying baby on a red eye. [cheers and applause] okay, you are going to cheer for that. Jordan but lets move on to a problem that america hasnt solved gun violence. A lot of people think the answer is reducing the amount of guns, but Tennessee Lawmakers are going in the opposite direction. Chaos erupting in Tennessee State capitol, where lawmakers just passed a bill that would allow teachers to carry concealed handguns in schools. If signed by the governor, the Tennessee Law would allow teachers to carry guns in schools where top administrators agree. The teachers would be required to have a permit, do training, and get a background check and Mental Health evaluation. Jordan congratulations now your shop teacher is going to have two stories about how he accidentally lost a finger. Ronny look, can the students at least vote on which teacher gets the gun . My gym teacher was already on a massive power trip and all he had was a whistle. So. Jordan for more on the new Tennessee Law, we go live to the statehouse in nashville with grace kuhlenschmidt. [cheers and applause] grace, arent legislators worried that giving teachers guns will just lead to more gun violence . No, you silly scarecrow of a man. The lawmakers here are putting teachers through a lot training, permits, background checks, Mental Health evaluations. You dont want to give teachers guns without making sure theyre responsible jordan that actually raises a good point, grace. If theyre going to require teachers to go through all that why dont they require it for every gun owner . Im not following. Jordan im just saying, if all that training is good for teachers, its equally good for all gun owners. But they arent all teachers. Jordan right, yes, but they all own guns. Rock n roll good for them jordan no, im not hold on, let me try again. Lets say you walk into my classroom. Hello, mr. Slenderman. Jordan okay, fine. Now, you see i have a gun. How do you feel . Im glad because i know that you received firearms training. Jordan okay, now instead, you walk into my bar, and you see i have a gun. Now how do you feel . Youre my teacher, why do you own a bar . I i guess ill have a beer. Im only in 8th grade though jordan i did not make you an eighth grader thats not what i said ronny jordan, your analogies are stupid. Okay, let me try. Grace, so you know how Everybody Needs a license to drive a car . No, you dont. Whos checking . Ronny the government . Theyre all in d. C. Im up here. Ronny yeah, shes not shes not getting it. Wait, hold on. Let me try to do one, okay . Okay, you know how on love is blind, theres two different people . And they talk to each other without seeing each other but then eventually the walls come down and they see if theyre still in love . Jordan yeah . Jordan may be, okay. Thats a great show. Ronny what is the analogy . Oh, thats what you guys were doing . I thought we were just making up situations. Jordan grace, were saying if teachers need training to have a gun, then its only fair if the entire population has training to have a gun. Youre right it doesnt make sense that some people should get training while other people dont get training. Lets make it fair and remove the training for everyone. Ronny oh, my god. [bleep]. Jordan we were so close. We were jordan grace kuhlenschmidt, everybody. [cheers and applause] when we come back, Michael Kosta takes on his greatest enemy. [cheers and applause] look at the salt on that dressed dos equis. After two billion years underground, that salt couldve ended up in a halfempty box in a halfempty pantry. But now, its lucky enough to find itself circling an Authentic Mexican dos equis. congratulations, salt. From where you sit now, its clear your patience paid off handsomely. Finding the right home for us was tough, but our agent joe just got our needs. Hey joe hey he even clued us in on a local secret, a well hidden dog park. You ready . Ugh nope try my old spice. You can use it on your pits, chest and even your. Toes . Thats not your toes. Oh thats fresh old spice mnemonic [cheers and applause] jordan welcome back to the daily show. Now that spring is here, people are back outside having fun again. Whether its sneezing in the park, or sneezing in a cafe, or dodging angry stares from a mother whose child you sneezed on at the playground. Ronny but theres one activity that Michael Kosta wants you to stop enjoying. Hi. I am Michael Kosta. The daily show correspondent and intrepid journalist. But this story is not about me. Its about him. Michael kosta, former professional tennis player, once ranked 864 in the world. Because right now, there is a serious threat to tennis enthusiasts like him me. I am talking about pickleball. And it needs to be stopped. Now the battle over court space between tennis and pickleball players continues. Both he was the Tennis Courts and both are fighting for space. Pickleball is the Fastest Growing sport. Sorry to the tennis players. Its on its way out. To discuss the monstrosity these picklers are posing on my beloved sport, i sat on the legendary professional tennis champ mcenroe. You cannot be serious no, not that one. The other one. His brother, patrick, also a former tennis champion and Current Sports commentator. From one pro to another, tell me what you are a pro. Weve crossed paths many times. I said high back to you at tournaments and stuff. Were you a ball boy . I was ranked 864th in the world. Your ring to that high . I made 11,000 over four years. Lets talk about pickleball. I cant believe you didnt know who i was. The thing that annoys me about it, michael, the pickleball courts are taking over 35 or so of the Tennis Courts here in the u. S. And in canada. Hey, get off our tennis turf lets just discuss the differences. Heres a can of tennis balls. Is there anything better than this . You ready to listen to this . I am here. Yeah. We love the smell. Oh, my god, it is like a fine wine. Lets contrast that with t this. Oh, my god. But the hell is that . This looks like an old guys ball sack. Because you cant compare the two. It is loud, obnoxious. Tennis is excellent, it is classy. Look at tennis. Isnt that a beautiful thing to watch . And then pickleball. It is like a car crash. What is the solution for the turf wars . The great Martina Navratilova said, build your own pickleball courts. And the truth is, pickleball, get out of my yard one person who need to take that note is this guy. He may look like a yodel or on a bike but dont be fooled. Every morning, he electronically peddles his little pickleball back to set up his little pickleball nuts on our turf, and he is known as albert the pickleball doctor. Why do you think that pickleball deserves to over take a tennis court . I think that you guys have too many Tennis Courts. You can have two pickleball courts and a tennis court. So is your answer than to eliminate Tennis Courts for pickleball . That is a good idea. You are unhinged. And worse than pickleball is their terminology. I am hearing kitchen, dink, dill, it a sport or a food truc . It is more universal than tennis. Tennis doesnt have stupid made up words, reduce, love is when you are tied. Why dont you just try it . You want me to try . You know what that means to someone who is 864 in the world . I will whip your butt but. I was here geriatric as as in the kitchen. Ticktock, baby. Welcome what is sure to be a waste of everyones time but here we are. I am Patrick Mcenroe reporting live. Due to losing a pet to cover a most unanticipated game of pickleball. On one side, we have the handsome and the one at halftime employee of the month at the daily show, Michael Kosta. Okay, clearly, he rode this. Hell be playing against albert, doctor of pickleball. And what is this . Hes got a twin . Will kosta go for the obvious double stroke . So i guess, doubles as literally doubles . Its my twin brother gil. I got my own secret weapon. Ronny ronny ronny . What . Lets go, dude where are the pickles . We are playing pickleball. You said there will be food. And for his doubles partner, kosta has ronny chieng who seems to have been tricked into being here. That makes two of us. It why is it two at the same people . That was a surprise for me too. So here we go, kosta and chieng versus the pickle twins. And kosta blows it. Ah lets go we cant lose to the double meant twins we got to win ah take that, grasshopper never before in the history of commentating have i heard more vicious words spoken in a court. [bleep] these guys. Ah lets go [bleep] these guys take it oh, my god, this changes everything. Ive never had Sriracha Mayo on a sandwich before. What is the score . I hope you brought your feeding tube. I will be shoving shit down your throat every day. Thats what im talking about finally, they are coming together as a team. Michael, i think you are having fun here. No yes yes i am not having fun. 32. Nobody, i mean nobody saw this coming. Because nobody is even watching. Yes ah that is a legal you are disqualified im not disqualified. Shut up. Get out of here grasshopper lets go. They disqualified us. Lets go. Thats okay. I will meet up with you later. Hey, you guys want to keep going . There are no winners in this game tonight. In fact, i think it is safe to say come after watching this game, we all feel like a losers. This is Patrick Mcenroe reporting from what surely is the rock bottom of my career. [cheers and applause] ronny thank you, Michael Kosta. When we come back, representative andy kim will be joining us on the show, so dont go away. [cheers and applause] chipotles braised beef barbacoa might be our best kept secret. Slow cooked responsibly raised beef. Seasoned with garlic and cumin. 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Your cousin from boston summer ale octoberfest winter lager cold snap nah its sam season [cheers and applause] jordan welcome back to the daily show. Our guest tonight is a thirdterm congressman from new jersey who is running for u. S. Senate. Please welcome representative andy kim [cheers and applause] ronny thank you nice to see our asian representative. Thank you. Ronny andy kim, house of representatives. You are currently running for senate to replace the previous guy in new jersey who got caught with gold bars in his house. Thats right. That is a big nono in politics. Ronny what do you have against gold bars . Yeah, apparently, i am antigold bars. Ronny antifederal reserve guy . Ouch, this is getting a heated interview right out of the gate. [laughter] ronny you are running for senate. Its not something i planned to do. Im a three term member of the house of representatives, ive got a 6yearold and 8yearold, two little boys at home. I was not planning to take on a statewide election. But look, right now, i am sure the audience feels it too. We live in the time of the greatest amount of distrust of the government in modern american history. 84 of new jersey believe that their politicians are corrupt. Ronny well, they were kind of validated. [laughter] [applause] you are wondering what is wrong with the other 16 . Jordan are they just not that educated . [laughter] look, we have to i believe that the opposite of democracy is apathy. If people give up on this. If they feel like they are elected officials are not in it for the right reasons. So i feel like at this critical moment, we have to restore a sense of integrity back into our politics and try to do our best to give the people of new jersey a choice. Jordan you talk about this feeling in america right now. We feel very divided. But in the house, you guys just had you just passed this bipartisan bill. Funding for ukraine, taiwan, the tiktok bill in there as well. Mike johnson seemed to want to cross the aisle and work with you guys. What is this . Is this the beginning of some sort of Bipartisan Coalition or is this a onetime spring fling . [laughs] look, i think what he realized is he has no other choice. He can either be a speaker that gets zero things done for the entire time that he is speaker. Everything that he has done, whether it is passing our governments funding or anything else, it has required us to on the democrat side to be there with him. Basically, he and Hakeem Jeffries are cospeakers of the house right now. There is nothing that the speaker of the house johnson can get done without Hakeem Jeffries and the democrats. [cheers and applause] so it is out of necessity that way. I hope that there are some places where we can find some agreement, but ill be honest with you, i am not holding my breath. We will see where things go. But you all see it. I basically work in the worlds worst reality tv show. You know, it is just ronny [laughter] speaking of that, you are on the ground there. Presumably, you talk with these people every day, if not all the so when you are talking to your best friend matt gaetz, for example jordan you did say that. Ronny your friend matt gaetz edit that out. Ronny when you are talking, is there some kind of, like, we put the cameras off right now, lets just talk . Or is it always just, you know, this guy is always on . Everyone is always on, even in private meetings, everyone is still yelling about jewish space lasers . [laughs] when i came into congress, i had a lot of people ask me, do they really believe what they say . When i first came in, i kind of came up with three categories. Traditional there are sort of the traditional conservatives, of which there are very few of them left. There are the crazies and you can mad libs fill in the blank whatever name you want. And then there are the cowards. The people who know better but just for their own purposes of staying in their jobs, they continue on. I will be honest with you, just in the five and half years that ive been in congress now, there are a lot more crazies than even when i started. And it is really alarming. I mean, some of them really do believe this. And i remember it, on the night of january 6 when we came back into the house of representatives after the insurrection, hearing their speeches, watching them, only a few feet from them, i could tell, some of them really do believe it. The big lie. They have bought into this. They are feeding it. That is what i find so scary right now. My first boss in government, he had this line. He said, you dont have Good Government unless you have good people working in government. Right now, if you have a government that is filled with egotistical, narcissistic, powerhungry people, you will have an egotistical, narcissistic, powerhungry government. So we have to try to find a way to be able to stop it, but part of their plan is to try to make government so toxic, politics so toxic that reasonable, decent people dont want to participate. That just leaves it for them. [applause] ronny thank you for your time. As far as what im hearing from you, i just think that we need more asian people to be running. [cheers and applause] representative andy kim, everybody were going to take a quick break, but well be right back after this. [cheers and applause] looking for a smarter way to mop . Try the swiffer powermop. An allinone cleaning tool that gives you a mop and bucket clean in half the time our cleaning pad has hundreds of scrubbing strips that absorb and lock dirt away, and it has a 360degree swivel head that goes places a regular mop just cant. So, you can clean your home, faster than ever. Dont mop harder, mop smarter, with the swiffer powermop. Finding the right home for us was tough, but our agent joe just got our needs. Hey joe hey we went on home tour after home tour. And he didn■t stop until we got the one. Four delicious pieces of chocolate. Three crisp wafers. Two layers of sweet kit kat® filling. One incredible break. Have a break, have a kit kat®. Now served up in birthday cake. I think we need a bigger yard, with our credit . Ow, ow, ow, ow. Credit karma can show us how to improve our credit for free, then we can get a place with a bigger yard. Yay. Intuit credit karma. Download the app today. Whats up, auntie . Did you get the basketball shoes i need for tryouts this weekend . Oh, dude. Im not going to be able to make it to dicks this week. You can just click on dicks. Com. Dicks dot. Coooom ahh oh, welcome to dicks. Com. Let me guess. You need to get the gear to save the day . Wow, theyre beautiful. [cheers and applause] jordan thats our show for tonight, but before we go please consider donating to everytown for gun safety. They work with local, federal, and state governments to End Gun Violence and build safer communities. Ronny if you want to support them in this work, please donate at the link below. Now here it is, your moment of zen. Trying to deal with covid, he said just inject a little bleach in your veins. He missed it. It all went to his hair. [audience reacts] look, i shouldnt have said that. Sorry. Im going down to south park gonna have myself a time both Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation im going down to south park gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting howdy neighbor headin on up to south park gonna see if i cant unwind [muffled] so come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine all i walk hand in hand with jesus over at the park by where he lives i tell him all my problems and sometimes he tells me his what a friend i have in jesus i can say that honestly hes unlike all my other friends who really dont care about me amen boring. And now mr. Mackey will read his favorite psalm for us, psalm 46. God is our refuge and strength, mkay . A very present help in trouble, mkay . [whispering] hey, you guys, you want to know what my favorite psalm is . Its a mans obligation to stick his boneration in a womans separation. This sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation. God is in the midst of her, mkay . She shall not be moved, mkay . [whispering] wait, wait, wait. Its a mans obligation to stick his boneration in the womans its a mans obligation to stick his boneration in a womans separation to increase the population of the younger generation. [mumbling] no, no, its her separation. Its a mans obligation to stick his boneration in a womans boys you are in church oh the god of jacob is our refuge, mkay . Thank you, mr. Mackey. Hello, everyone. Today we are going to talk about hell. [ominous organ music] hell is not a very nice place. Burning, searing flames, screaming, torture for eternity. Once you are in hell, you cannot escape. You live forever in horrible pain and burning agony. All sinners are there in misery, dying over and over and over. If you be cast down into this black bog of stench, then woe is thou, for satan has made it the most miserable place in the universe. And he will be your ruler your ruler of pain and agony [hawaiian music plays] all oh, were going to the hukilau the huki, huki, huki, huki, hukilau oh, were going to the hukilau the huki, huki, huki, huki, huki, hukilau Everybody Loves the hukilau i do. All where the laulau is the kaukau at the luau we throw our nets out into the sea all the amaama come aswimming to me oh, were going to the hukilau the huki, huki, huki, huki, hukilau women oh, were going to the hukilau men the huki, huki, huki, huki, huki, hukilau women Everybody Loves the hukilau all where the laulau is the kaukau at the luau we throw our nets out into the sea all the amaama come aswimming to me oh, were going to the hukilau the huki, huki, huki, huki, hukilau lukilukilau