Jon yeah welcome to the daily show my name is jon stewart. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Weve got a show youre going to be very excited that you tuned in tonight. Ill be talking to the great Salman Rushdie will be joining us later, about his new book, knife. Fabulous book and great surprises. But before that, its a big day for donald trump. Huge. His campaign for president was interrupted today by the trial about the other time he tried to run for president. Lets check in on the latest in another installment of americas most tremendously wanted. [cheers and applause] the whole thing is a scam. Jon after a week of jury selection, today, it was finally time for opening statements. And it turns out the prosecution and the defense dont see eye to eye. The prosecution arguing that trumps alleged scheme to keep an adult film actress quiet is election interference, pure and simple, in those words. Trump defense lawyer todd blanche told the jury that the former president , though, did not violate the law. Jon mm thats right its the classic case of the state of new york vs. Nuhuh. Oh, no, you didnt. I think its pretty clear, he did it. This trial will obviously be a test of the fairness of the american legal system. But its also a test of the medias ability to cover donald trump in a responsible way, a task they have acknowledged they have performed poorly in the past. I think to the degree that the media had lessons to learn in 16, they seemed to have been learned. It was irresponsible for Cable News Networks to give donald trump hours and hours of free air time. Way too much speculation and liberal Wishful Thinking in attempts to connect dots that did not connect. Its the medias responsibility to not get distracted. I think we were much too busy chasing after shiny objects. All of us have learned some very valuable lessons from the last couple of years in delineating whats significant, whats important. Jon so brave. Well done. And i think for this trial, we will see the seeds of that introspection bear fruit. Or we will learn that learning curves are for pussies. Here we go. Its on, its happening, history will be made. Shaping up to be the trial of the century. Maybe the trial of the century. The trial of the century. What just might be the trial of the century. The taxman is here, donald trump. He will finally be forced to face the music. The legal walls to closing in on donald trump. The legal walls to closing in on donald trump. Jon yes, this time, mr. Bond, it truly is your doom now if youll excuse me, im going to leave this room. Obviously, when i leave, im not going to press the button that opens all the doors and dismantles the killing machine ive established. Dont follow me come by mr. Bond. Perhaps if we limit the coverage to the issues at hand, and try not to create an allencompassing spectacle of the most banal of details, perhaps that would help youre looking at live pictures in new york city of Donald Trumps motorcade. Its about a 20 minute drive between trump tower and the court building. Trump leaving trump tower down fifth avenue. Theyre now making their way across town along 57th street. They just crossed park avenue making their way up towards lexington avenue. Hes heading down the fdr to the manhattan courthouse on chambers street. Arriving at this intersection of American History with defiance. Jon arriving at the intersection of American History with defiance. The brilliant juxtaposing of the gravitas of the moment with simple traffic terms was. [chefs kiss] arrived at the intersection of American History, where he put a quarter in the parking meter. Of destiny. Leaving the car, looking to avoid stepping in the urine puddle of jurisprudence. Seriously, are we going to follow this guy to court every [bleep] day . Are you trying to make this oj . Its not even a chase he is commuting. So the medias first attempt at self control failed. And im sorry to say that it didnt im sorry, hold on, were getting breaking news. You know, he wanted to get a jury seated. So we had a lady im sorry to interrupt, ive just one second. I apologize. Were just showing the first image of donald trump from inside the courtroom. Its a still photograph that were showing there. Just want to make sure our viewers know what theyre looking at. Jon yes, for our viewers who are just waking up from a 30year coma, this is what donald trump has looked like every day for the past 30 years. The same outfit. So we have a photograph of donald trump in the courtroom but do we really know what he looks like . The man is a mystery, a yeti, if you will. Anything could be a deepfake. Do we have an eyewitness account, perhaps from a dismissed juror . Would you describe what you saw with donald trump, what you saw inside the courtroom . Not very much. He was a bit ahead of me and off to the left. I didnt have a complete view of him today. [laughter and applause] jon wait, did i have jury duty this week . What the [bleep] . Brother . [bleep] dresses like me too. This is anyway. Coming up, more of our threepart interview with a guy who nearly saw donald trump in the courtroom. We have a photograph this is freaking me out, the picture. So we have a photograph and we have eyewitness accounts. Do you have anything in a pastel . A courtroom sketch that were getting in right now. Im looking at the courtroom sketch and mr. Trump looks like he is glowering. Im not sure if thats supposed to be a glower or just a glance. I dont know how this its art. Its not necessarily its artistic journalism, but its not a photograph. Jon why are you showing it to us . It is a sketch. Why would anyone analyze a sketch as left wow itd be like looking at the last supper and going, would you say jesus looks sad here . What do you think . Its because of judas . Can we interview one of the waiters at one of the tables from a different section of the restaurant who maybe actually didnt see him . But you know, we got time to kill. I guess well never know. Unless we could talk to the person who drew the sketch but do we have time . Nothing but christine cornell, she was in the courtroom today, the official sketch artist. I want to show one of your sketches today. Were going through some of them, but this one, it appears in this one that his eyes are closed. What was happening here . My apologies, maam. I was sitting 50 feet away. I was having such a struggle to try and get those eyeballs in. Jon damn it, woman does donald trump have eyeballs or no, maam . Does he or no . You were in the room tell me or i will not come to your trinket shop in newport tell me [applause] what the [bleep] are we doing . I notice here his head is perfectly round, why is that . Well, i like drawing circles. At this point, youre probably saying to yourself, how Many Television hours have they devoted to what donald trump, a man who has not been off any of our screens for more than 30 seconds in the last eight years, looks like . The answer is not nearly as many hours as describing his every move. Trump craned his neck to eye perspective jurors and flashed a tightlipped smile. Leaning to the left a little bit, quiet, his arms crossed as well. Hunched over with his elbows on the desk. Looked through papers and periodically whispered to his attorneys. Fidgeted and leaned back. A scowl fixed to his face while he sat squinting. He was actually biting his lip during todays proceedings. His lips pursed in that characteristic trump way. Jon his eyeballs, gone. The hulking former president stood up, slowly, he walked towards me, with a mixture of desire, scorn, and, lets call it, agerelated confusion. It was then that i realized, that this former president of the United States has a front butt. Look, at some point in this trial, something important and revelatory is going to happen, but none of us are going to notice because of the hours spent on his speculative facial ticks. If the media tries to make us feel like the most mundane bullshit is earthshattering, we wont believe you when it really interesting its your classic boy who cried wolf blitzer. [cheers and applause] look, its a trial. Its boring. Mostly. Ive been on jury duty. And i can tell you thats not me thats a different guy why are you its not me it may be me. Look, trials are a lot of procedural shit and sideconference and bars and whats exhibit 372a and youre out of order this whole court is out of order look, the one person who has had the most normal reaction to the trial so far is donald trump. Donald trump fell asleep on multiple days during his criminal trial. Jon as he should i mean, hes been up since 2 00 a. M. Ragetweeting. He needs his anger sleep. Look, weve got a long ways to go. Its the first day of the first of 438 trump trials to come. Pace yourselves. And if youre bored, you can always start planning how youre going to [bleep] up covering the next trial. And the sober mea culpa youll deliver during his next term as president. Because the kinds of things that you are talking about okay, okay, we get it [cheers and applause] jon what . I know that voice. Who is that . Oh, my god oh, my god oh, my god its Jessica Williams jessica, how are you . Are you down at the courthouse are you there to give us a report . Yes, i am and heres my report jon stewart hates fun. This trial rocks. Why you gotta be all get off my lawn about it . Jon i dont necessarily sound like that. Of course. As i was just explaining, the media has systematically failed to contextualize oh, jon, please, youre killing me my poor, sweet, naive, olderthaniremember jon. Jon what . Really . We need this messy bullshit spectacle. Every other news story is a massive bummer. This trump trial is like an open window in a Greyhound Bus full of farts. Why you trying to close the window, jon . Why are you trying to make us smell farts . Jon i was just making points no, jon, you were making farts. Jon i would never do that this is a gift an extremely gross old man former president might go to prison for banging a porn star and trying to pay her off. And you dont want us to cover that shit all day long . Jon, the first witness is named david pecker. [laughter and cheering] i mean, its david pecker. Pecker is slang for wiener, jon its a peepee. Its a peeper. Jon i got it. You know, a dongle. Jon when you say peepee. And then the peeper. Wouldnt it be the of the peepee. Different thing. Jon not trying to be the grammar police. I dont want to get in the weeds about it. I just want to be clear about the name david pecker and it has a double meaning and that meaning is for wiener. [cheers and applause] i am already tired jon i have missed you terribly. I have missed you terribly. Shit. And then here you come, with your oldtimey, highfalutin media critique, ruining our good time. Just like you ruined the 2012 daily show christmas party. Jon i didnt ruin it whats not fun about mocktails and tofurkey . I didnt ruin it look, jess, i hear what youre saying, but i thought my commentary on the sketch artists was quite trenchant. Oh, you wanna talk courtroom sketches . Look at this [cheers and applause] wah, wah, wah, i miss walter cronkite. I have a pen and i scribble nonsense on my script before the show starts oh, no, the mets lost again jon jess, did you draw that of me . Yeah, dude, cause it was fun to do and people like fun, jon damn. Anyway, i should get going anyway. I think i see pecker across the street. Jon david pecker . Im not sure whose penis it is, actually. Good old new york jon Jessica Williams, everyone [cheers and applause] when we come back, Salman Rushdie will be joining us, dont go away. [cheers and applause] jessica [cheers and applause] do you guys think we come here too much . Your cousin from boston summer ale octoberfest winter lager cold snap nah its sam season hit me with your best shot bacon. Bacon. Bacon. Introducing applebees new whole lotta bacon burger. Just 9. 99 for a limited time. Fire away applebees now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. Whats your favorite part of a kit kat® bar . The chocolate . Nope, the inside. The wafers . No. The stuff in between the wafers. Ahhh. The in between stuff. Have a break, have a kit kat®. Now try new chocolate frosted donut. My schedule is pretty jammed packed these days. Ive got 2. Wait, no, 3 birthday parties on saturday. And sunday, thats my me time. Hows that look . Works for me. Works for me. To test the toughness of the kia sorento xpro and the kia sorento turbohybrid. . We recreated some of the wettest springs. . Hottest summers. . Windiest falls. . And coldest winters. all on one track. To prove these threerow suvs were built for the unstoppable. Kia. Movement that inspires. [cheers and applause] jon welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight is a world renowned and bestselling author whose new book is called, knife meditations after an attempted murder. Please welcome to the program Salman Rushdie. Sir [cheers and applause] nice to see you. Nice to see you. Jon for its question, obviously, how are you . This was obviously a dramatic experience. How are you feeling . I am okay, surprisingly. Jon yes. Sometimes there are great surprises. This is one. Im pretty much recovered. Jon i have to say, i know it sounds peculiar to say this, because of the traumatic experience that you endured. I love this book. Thank you. [laughs] jon it is a beautiful work of introspection. I feel like i know now how your mind works. You know, i have read other of your books. But you really do a wonderful job of taking us through how you think. Yeah, it is weird how i think. Jon [laughs] [laughter] i mean, i have this kind of free associating mind, which goes from the moon to a movie to a book to a piece of mythology, to a joke. Jon i had to read this book with another book next to me to get to some of the references. But it is it allows you, sometimes he read an authors memoir and there is a certain selfconsciousness to it. But maybe because this is about a traumatic incident, i feel like your defenses were down and it was very revelatory. Yeah, there is a subject. Jon right. I mean, what i felt is that it starts off, there is a love story, which turns into a murder story, which turns back into a love story. Jon yes. The love story, by the way, it is with his wonderful wife, eliza, who is really the hero may be of the book. No, i mean, she did a huge amount, i wouldnt be here in good shape without her. And plus, she is an amazing writer. Jon right. There is that too. I say with a certain amount of gritted teeth. Jon yes. [laughs] jon is there competition in writerly families . Not really. One of the nice things about this is there we are enormously supportive of each others book. Jon i thought a really interesting part of the book is spoiler alert at the end when you go back to chautauqua. The famed community in upstate new york where they bring in speakers where this unfortunate event happened. And you go back to revisit the scene of it, but also, the jail. Yeah. Jon where they are holding this person that attacked you. Yeah, it was a lastminute decision. We were on the plane flying up to because i have this desire to revisit the scene of the crime and show myself that i was standing up where i fell down. Jon right. Sort of important for me. And on the flight up there, i thought, chautauqua is a really small town. And if he is in the county jail, how far is that from the institution . It turned out, it was like 5 minutes drive. I thought, lets go to the jail. Jon [laughs] i just it blows my but you didnt have a desire necessarily to see this individual. No, i just wanted to see the jail. [laughter] you get there, it is a really boring jail. [laughter] it is a little cellblock and a wall with some barbed wire. But i thought, you know, he is in there, i am out here. That feels good. Jon you win. What happened is, a weird thing happened. My feet started dancing. Jon you were dancing. No, my feet were dancing. [laughter] jon but what does that look like . Shimmying but the body stays . Eliza said, stop doing that. Jon i cant imagine, this gentleman glancing out the window for no apparent reason, going, is that the guy yeah, and he is dancing in the car park. [laughs] jon you talk a lot about your thoughts about this gentleman and whether you wanted to confront him. There is actually a really wonderful section of it, almost like a socratic litigation that you do in four parts. Yeah, i make him out. Jon you make him up. But you dont make him defenseless. No. Jon the litigation and the dialogue that you have with him is challenging. Yeah. I thought, you know, youve got to give the enemy and even break. If you are going to have a serious conversation, then it cant just be me yelling at him, telling him what a bad person he is, which i think. Jon . Jon yes. [laughs] jon but he wasnt it makes you wonder about you spent since 1989, there is fatwa is put upon you and it is these fundamentalists, and these are religious extremists who have decided they are going to punish you for what ever their reasoning was. You write, though, that this gentleman is sort of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of that. Hes 24. He wasnt even born when this thing happened. And he, by his own account, had read nothing i had written. And yet, he was willing to commit murder. I mean, that is stupid. Jon yes. [laughter and applause] jon i wonder if you think of it does it strike you as a change in fundamentalism . You know, you say he was radicalized by imam youtubi, he watched youtube videos. Do you think his attack had more to do with john lennons attack than a religious attack . I think in some ways, it is a very american attack. He spent four years in a basement playing video games and watching videos. And it kind of messed with his head. And also, i mean, he is born and bred and new jersey. Jon slow down. I think i know where this is going. Well, you know, you are ahead of me. [laughs] but you know, we live in an america where people kill each other every 5 minutes. Jon right. I think maybe in his new jersey brain jon [laughs] yes. That is how we describe it as well, by the way. Hes got that new jersey brain. Do you think that there is a shift you know, we think the fundamentalism as primarily a religious artifact. Have the algorithms made fundamentalism Something Different from that . I think maybe they have. I am too old to no really, because algorithms dont know what to do with me. Jon right. Give them a chance. No, i do. But they dont know what to do. So i am not algor algorithmicaly influenced, but people are. People are all the time. And yet, i mean, i think he was something happened in him which made it possible for him to decide to murder a total stranger. Jon right. And that has to be brainwashing of some type. Jon right. Whatever you want to call it, but i call it brainwashing. Jon yeah, as i read the story, i started thinking, we are so used to this idea of violence with a cause. This idea that there is something deep inside them that can almost be noble or understandable. This is not that. It struck me more as more and common with the School Shootings we see here. Yeah, exactly. On or the other things, you were just this thing he saw. What a strange about it, first of all, he must have known that he was messing up his own life as well. Jon right not just mine. Jon at 24. You know, the last thing he did before he got on the bus from fairview, new jersey, to chautauqua, the last thing he did, he canceled his gym membership. Jon what . [laughter] because he knew the prison had weights . He knew he wasnt coming back. Why should he keep a Standing Order going . Jon wow he is going through it, knowing, i dont need sirius radio anymore. So was he suicidal . Or was he i dont know. Maybe we will find out, whenever, if this trial happens, we might find out more about him. Jon do you dread Something Like that . Is that something is still visit you . No. If they need me to testify, i will go testify. And i will be in the courtroom with them. But my view is, he should be scared about being in the courtroom with me. [applause] jon absolutely. Absolutely. Do you wonder sometimes, you know and this is not to get but you and i are both getting older. And you write a lot in the book speak for yourself. Jon settle down. I was just on jury duty, by the way. I dont know if you saw the picture of my doppelgaenger. But there is there is mortality. You write about martin amos and people that you have lost, even during the writing of this book, lost to cancer. You had a cancer scare in the middle of rehabilitation. In the middle of all of this repair work, suddenly, apparently, i might have prostate cancer. I thought, that is not fair. Jon no he writes come he goes to the doctor you can tell. I went to the doctor, and they are examining examining your prostate is not fun. Jon again, speak for yourself. It depends on if you have a jersey brain. [laughter] anyway, the first examination, they thought they found a bump on the prostate and then i had to have an mri scan. An mri scan grades from 15 and 5 is really bad. I came out to 4. It said cancer probable. And then it turned out that it was knocked probable, that it was a bump that had been caused by some other infection. Jon and a medicine that they had actually given you. Exactly. And then a second doctor the first doctors boss also examined by prostate more thoroughly. Jon they lined up down the hallway . What are we doing here . No, this was very thorough. [laughter] but also, he was an indian doctor. He was a fan of mine. [laughter] jon nothing more uncomfortable than that. Extra thorough. He said, i think this might be caused by this other infection. So i had to go back and have another mri scan and it said 15, 1, no cancer. So i had cancer for two months and then i didnt. Jon it is so incredible, because you face this as you write in this book, this 27 seconds. It was just 27 seconds. And yet do you think about and pardon the question. Do you think, does it matter how you die . As you watch your friends and you thought about your fate and your brush with mortality, and then to have this cancer scare come i didnt you think it mattered how you die . I would prefer not to. Jon [laughs] ive got some bad news. Its coming for all of us. Bad news for all of us. Jon . Jon yes. My wife eliza and i have decided we are planning our 100th birthday party, my 100th birthday party. It has to be a dance party. Jon yes. Just your feet, though, not the whole body. So we have to decide who should d. J. Jon i will pick somebody. But it strikes me, because you, whether you want to dismantle or not and i am assuming you dont you represent something. You represent a courage under freedom of artistic expression, of the importance of artistic expression, and of the danger that artistic expression often visits upon the people who do it. And it is a noble shield to carry but not an easy one, i dont imagine. Not an easy one. There is bits of me that would prefer to be well known for being a good writer. Jon well, i have to tell you, im pretty sure that is in there too. Is that in there . [cheers and applause] you know, and he to be, when i started out as a writer, when people would write about my books, they would mention that they were funny. And then, after the attack on the satanic verses, everybody stop saying i was funny. Jon that book is satirical. Everyone that reads it. I get two reactions to people who read it. One is, where is the dirty bit . We cant find it. Jon yeah. And the second is, who knew it was funny . And i say, people who read it. [laughter] jon but its you know, with that on you, do you feel there is an idea that you have to wear that heroism . I dont know about that her wasnt but i think i have to be part of the fight. There is a fight about Free Expression in america too at the moment. And i feel like im in that fight. I have a dog in that fight. Jon what do you think, how the nature of fundamentalism has changed, and how that affects artistic expression . Like even now when we see all the protests come up at columbia university, some students protests, others thinkt is going too far and they are threatening people. We are crossing all of those difficult lines. You spoke at the penn banquet last year, which is a consortium of writers and poets and a lot of people. Truly defenders of free speech. Yep. Jon i just got a text today. They have canceled they have canceled the prize giving because theres people attacking them for not being sufficiently antiisraeli or propalestinian or something. And everybody is so angry right now that nobody can lessen or talk to anybody else. Some people have shouted at each other. Jon there was a critic this is going to sound like a joke. A critic of taylor swifts new music album, tortured poets society, they had to remove the critics name from the critique because of death threats. Because he didnt like the record . [laughter] jon i didnt read it. Because i love the record. Of course, i dont want to hear any negativity. So do i, jon. Jon but it speaks to, in 1989, there was an ayatollah and a fatwa and a group of religious marketing mocks who delivered a law from high above and now we are all fundamentalists. Everybody is an expert, everybody has an opinion. Jon and hostility. Hostility. The level of anger is crazy right now. Jon do you think of you know, you have a dog in the fight and that creative. How do we i think about this all a lot. How do we manage that and is not just a function of the algorithm . It might be. I think, to an extent, it is. Frankly im glad you asked me because i dont have the answer to the worlds problems. Jon its actually on page what you were thoughtful enough and you have been through it enough that i know you have an opinion. Yeah, i just think people have to get stop having such thin skins. You know, at the moment, we are all very easily offended, and whats more is we also believe that being offended is a sufficient reason for attacking something. Jon right. But actually, everything offends somebody. Jon always. Always. Occasionally you. Jon what . How dare you, sir i am offended you see, and then if you go down that road, we cant talk to each other anymore. Jon right. But havent groups always had a way of policing language or behavior . I think i am trying to, has my perspective changed on it or has the dynamic change . I think what happens is the temperature has risen. Yes, of course, people have always disagreed and people have always said, you cant say this, youve got to say that. That is not new. Whats new is the volume and the heat the heat. Jon right. So what do we do about taking down the volume and taking down the heat . That is the question. Jon again, not to make you the avatar of this but this is coming from a man who, because of threats from fundamentalists, had to basically alter your entire life. Well, it did certainly have an impact, yeah. I mean, what is sad is that i actually got my life back really. Ive been living in new york city going on for 25 years. Jon then you had made a decision, i am going to come out of this and make myself available. For 33 years, it was fine. You know, i was doing everything that writers do. Book tours, readings, lectures. Jon i know. I am a writer. Dont stop. I have been there with the coffee klatches and oprah. I havent been with oprah. Jon none of us have. So it was a shock, when this thing out of a quarter of a century ago, more than that, 30 years ago, sort of came out of retirement at me. You know, i really was very surprised. Jon do you find yourself now. Of that fear or is there still that ptsd . Where is what does that do to you . Well, nothing good. But it has now been, what, 20 months or something. I think i am pretty much back to myself at this point. Jon do you feel like you are in that writing wear them again . Has your mind started to dream again . Let me finish this, jon. Jon by the way, let me tell you something. We dont have people on where i dont either, you know, read it or take a look it is such a beautiful and incredibly interesting and revelatory book. I really thank you for writing it to because you had to endure something awful, but your insight into that experience is really a remarkable gift. Thank you. They want to give other people. And its got funny bits. Jon a couple of fun events. [laughter] for a writer, not for a comic, for a writer. But it really is fantastic piece of work and i thank you for doing it. I think you. Jon the book is called knife. It is available as we speak. Salman rushdie. We are going to take a quick break and well be back right after this. [cheers and applause] youre probably not easily persuaded to switch mobile providers for your business. But what if we told you its possible that comcast business mobile can save you up to 75 a year on your wireless bill versus the big three carriers . You can get two unlimited lines for just 30 each a month. All on the most reliable 5g mobile network nationwide. Wireless that works for you. For a limited time, ask how to save up to 830 off an eligible 5g phone when you switch to comcast business mobile. Dont wait call, click or visit an xfinity store today. Youve got xfinity wifi at home. Take it on the go with Xfinity Mobile. Customers now get exclusive access to wifi speed up to a gig in millions of locations. Plus, buy one unlimited line and get one free. Thats like getting two unlimited lines for twenty dollars a month each for a year. So, ditch the other guys and switch today. Buy one line of unlimited, get one free for a year with Xfinity Mobile plus, save even more and get an eligible 5g phone on us visit xfinitymobile. Com today. music throughout our housemade ketchup. Im janet heinz. I cant be seen eating nonheinz ketchup. Do we have any heinz . There. popeyes 25 tenders bundle is perfect for the whole family you get 12 hand breaded chicken tenders, four sauces, your choice of four regular sides, four biscuits, and four small drinks for just 25 you can feed the whole family at a price youre gonna love love that chicken from popeyes were up against some really bad guys. At a price youre gonna love ha, ha, ha. Theyre. [ whistling ] i had to do some jason bourne stuff. Thats pretty cool actually. So cool. One last stunt. Going down in a blaze of glory. Ya know like thelma and louise. They die at the end. Exactly. Oh, amazing. Watch this. Look at the salt on that dressed dos equis. After two billion years underground, that salt couldve ended up in a halfempty box in a halfempty pantry. But now, its lucky enough to find itself circling an Authentic Mexican dos equis. congratulations, salt. From where you sit now, its clear your patience paid off handsomely. [cheers and applause] jon thats our show for tonight before we go, lets check in with your hosts for the rest of the week, ronny chieng and Jordan Klepper [cheers and applause] come on, yall what do you got for the people this weeks . Well, theres a lot of news to cover, and personally, ill be looking at it all through the lens of my white privilege. Yes, and ill be lending my insight on what matters the most to the asian community. Ill be very leftist and antitrump. While ill be offering an angry, everyoneisstupid counterpoint. Jon i dont want to say anything but i think you are reading each others lines. Saw that. [bleep]. Its too late, weve got to commit to it now look at me, i am Jordan Klepper im making fun of trump supporters, theyre so dumb and im so smart and tall right. Im short and mad and asian jon thank you, looking forward to it. Now here it is, your moment of zen. [cheers and applause] so the legal walls are starting to close in on donald trump. The walls once again begin to close in on donald trump. Of the walls are closing in on trump. More walls are closing around him than ever before. We have been saying the walls are closing in for two years but it feels like they are actually closing right now. [cheers and applause] sorry. Im going down to south park gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation going down to south park gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting howdy neighbor headed on up to south park gonna see if i cant unwind mumbling so come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine and so these ancient arrowheads are buried deep down in the earths crust. We dig them up, polish them off and find over 12 new arrowheads every month. Boring eric, keep quiet, im trying to sleep now can anybody tell me who left these arrow heads here . Isnt that yourjob . Yes, but i want to see if youre learning anything. Oh. Lets all grab our little anthropology pickaxes that were handed out and well dig for our very own indian arrowheads. cheering days never finished master got me working someday master set me free dude, shut up cartman oh, oh i think i found one. No,ifound it. I do believe i found it first. No i did, pip. Oh, dear. I guess well have to roshambo for it. What do you mean . First i kick you in the nuts as hard as i can, then you kickmein the nuts as hard as you can. And we keep going back and forth until somebody falls. The last one standing gets the arrowhead. Oh, well, i suppose if i must. Okay, ready . Ill go first. Oooh well, i guess you win. I dont care, you can have the stupid arrowhead. I dont want it. Day is never finished master got me working hey look, i found another one. This is just a stupid triangle. Whoa, check it out, dude. Its got little drawings on it. What is it . I dont know. Whoa, that was cool hey give me that back you threw it away, cartman, its mine now. Well roshambo for it. No way fatty, its mine. Anthropologist hows it going boys . I found a magic triangle and this greedy sonofabitch took it from me you threw it away fatso let me see that. This is anasaziwriting. My god, this must be thousands of years old cmon, let me kick you in the nuts for it and finally tonight, a young boy from south park, colorado found something very interesting during a field trip today. Here with a special report, is a quadriplegic swiss man on a pony. Thanks tom, the little 8yearold was very shocked indeed when he came across a very ancient triangular object. Well i was just digging around. I was like, dude, i found this triangle. And my friends were like, dude. And i was all, dude. And i told him, i said, kyle, i will kick you in the nuts. But he didnt give it back to me. So i kicked him square in the nuts. And he cried like nancy kerrigan. You liar screw you, triangle thief and so the little boy will take his discovery home and perhaps donate it to science a little later. Back to you, dave. Thanks tom, those are some cute cute kids, except for that last one, hes a little tubby. Hey what are you gonna do with it . Im gonna put it in my room where cartman cant find it. Ill find it, dont worry goddamnit give me my triangle kyle, seriously you did throw it away, cartman. I was just setting it aside. You might as well let it go. Never ill get that triangle if its the last thing i do give me a little bit of that pepper. Give me a little bit of that salt. Put it in the skillet and cook it excuse me, sir. Hey, youe that movie critic guy on tv. Leonard maltin, yes. Well ill be a teenage girl backstage at an aerosmith concert. Leonard maltin inmycafeteria. Im chef. I know who you are. You must listen to me chef. We have precious little time. Have you seen Barbra Streisand recently . Barbra streisand . You mean like theBarbra Streisand . Have you seen her . no, not since yentl thank god, then im not too late. Too late for what . Chef, it is of the utmost importance that you tell me where those little boys from the news report on tv are. Why doyoucare . I have a button we can use for his nose. mumbling what we will use a marble sack for . Be careful where you put that carrot, kyle might steal it. I didnt stealanything. Stan, would you tell kyle that im not speaking with him . Good whats that noise . Whoa aliens who is the boy i saw on the news report tonight . Hello there little boy. Do you know who i am . No. I bet you do. Im going stop that where theres Lucky Clovers in the that sucks dude. Im Barbra Streisand so . So . im a very famous and very important individual. Like john elway important . What . do you know john elway . No youre famous and important but you dont know john elway. Look, little boy, i understand you found a little triangle near here. You know what im talking about . Yeah. No, i found it, he stole it you threw it away, cartman im not talking to him because hes a dirty thief. Little boy, does the triangle have a symbol of two snakes joined at the middle . Yeah, howd you know . Okay, now this is very important. Where is the triangle of zinthar now . Triangle of zinthar . Why do you want to know, lady . Im not talking to you, you pissant little hick whoa, dude where is the triangle, damnit . what seems to be theproblemohere . Problemo . Theres no problemo officer. I was just introducing myself to these charming little boys. Shes being a total bitch boys, shouldnt you be in school . Its saturday. No excuses move along, you little troublemakers well . Well, what . You know who i am, dont you . Well, you aint fiona apple. And if you aint fiona apple, i dont give a rats ass. What a bitch i guess hes not home, leonard maltin. Damn then we must look for them elsewhere. Cmon man, what is this all about . If Barbra Streisand saw the same news report i did, then those boys are in grave danger. If you were Barbra Streisand where would you be right now . Hmm. No, no, i mean where would she be staying . I always heard that mrs. Streisand had her own four Million Dollar condominium up near the ski slope. Where . I dont know, it was just a rumor. Damnit man, wheres your car . He has it, milo. That little bastard has the triangle. Are you sure . Im sure he knew about the symbol of kruluck then why dont we go get it . A cop showed up, hes a clever one. I cant blow everything now that im this close. Everything must be handled very carefully. How many years has it been, milo . 30, 40 . For so long i have waited to find the other triangle. And now i am so close. The dawn of zinthar is close at hand. evil laugh norman, bad news. I never graduated from med school. What . But the good news is. Xfinity mobile just got even better now, you can automatically connect to wifi speeds up to a gig on the go. Plus, buy one unlimited line and get one free for a year. I gotta get this deal. Thats like 20 a month per unlimited line. I dont want to miss that. Thats amazing doc. Mobile savings are calling. Visit xfinitymobile. Com to learn more. My name is teresa barber. I was in the United States navy and i served overseas in the middle east and africa. Early on in my career i had a commander that taught our Suicide Prevention training on a friday afternoon and the very next day, he took his own life. 90 percent of suicide attempts involving a gun are fatal. You dont know how much somebody can hide whats going on in their head. Store your guns securely. Help stop suicide. [ ] theres a way to cut your dishwashing time by 50 . Try dawn powerwash dish spray. It removes 99 of grease and grime in half the time. It cleans so well, you can replace multiple cleaning products. Try dawn powerwash. upbeat music playing baby talk glass breaking cartman . You scared the crap out of me, ike what the hell are you doing . Im trying to get my tri wait a minute, im not talking to you. Ike, will you tell kyle that i was trying to get my triangle back . baby talk well ike, you can tell cartman that its my triangle baby talk you tell kyle that hes a dirty goddamn sonofabitch loud baby talk alright, alright if it means that much to you, take the stupid triangle. If it will make you leave me alone, then just take the damn thing, here there, now get out of my house. And i hope you feel really, really good about yourself. Yeah, dude, i got the triangle. I got the triangle, i got the triangle you dont, you dont are you sure Barbra Streisand has a condo up here . It was just a rumor. A lot of big celebrities have mountain condos. Then weve got to keep looking. Leonard maltin, this has gone far enough. I aint driving another mile until you tell me what this is all about. Havent you ever been curious about the insanity Barbra Streisand exhibits . Well, i always heard she was kind of a bitch. More than a bitch, chef. Shes a calculating, selfcentered, egotistical bitch. She was born in a small town, her mother was a jackal and her father was an insurance salesman. Ooh, insurance salesman . When she was five she knew that she wanted to be a famous singer. But by the time she was six her ambitious became to rule the universe. She learned of an ancient diamond, the diamond of pantheous okay, you know what . Nevermind. I dont need to know all this, forget i asked. Before she was seven the keepers of pantheous learned of this insane little girls wish. The diamond was split up and buried at opposite ends of the world. But then, during the shooting of my fair lady, Barbra Streisand found one of the triangles. And the other triangle is the one that little kyle has . Yes, mr. Chef. If babs gets ahold of that other triangle she will fulfill her prophecy and become the most threatening thing ever known to mankind, mecha streisand. Mecha streisand . I dont know what the hellthatmeans but it doesnt sound good. The bus sure is late. I wonder what i should do with my triangle. Now that it is mytriangle. Damnit, i gave it to you so you would shut up oh, hello there, little boys. How are you today . Fine. That is great. My name is mrs. Jones. And i am a very friendly, nice person. I hear that one of you found my triangle. Your triangle . Yes, you see, that triangle is part of my kidney dialysis machine. Im so glad you found it because without it i was sure to die within hours. Oh, no you dont, Finders Keepers but ill die. I guess well have to roshambo for it. Ill kick you in the nuts as hard as i can, then you kick me in the nuts as hard as you can. I want to give you a big cash reward for finding it. Its worth a lot of money to me. It is . No wonder that Barbra Streisand lady wanted it. Oh. Who isthat . Oh, just this really, really old lady who wishes she was still only 45. Yeah and you shouldve seen her nose. It was big enough to land stealth bombers on. Yeah, and talk about a bitch, i havent seen enough oh, haha. Anyway, if youll come with me in my car, ill take you up to my condo where ill kill you. I mean, give you money for the triangle. Sweet, im gonna be rich bet you wish you didnt give me back that triangle now. Dumb ass isnt there a rule about not getting in cars with strangers . cartman not when moneys involved, stupid. And, action. Rebecca, im a man. A man like any other with dreams and emotions. Thats why ill never put a foreign object up my ass. Cut, great print that. Thanks, sid. Take five guys, lets set up for the next shot. together hello you must hurry,