This is the daily show with your host, Michael Kosta [cheers and applause] michael welcome to the daily show. Im Michael Kosta. We have a great show for you tonight. Well talk about michigans commitment issues, the Supreme Court debates how much gun is too much gun, and the worst thing to happen to willy wonka since johnny depp. So lets get into headlines [cheers and applause] lets kick things off with the Supreme Court, where the nine justices sat down today and after Clarence Thomas put out his tip jar they heard arguments on whether it should be legal to essentially turn ordinary guns into machine guns. The Supreme Court is hearing arguments on bump stocks. The attachments functionally turn semiautomatic rifles into automatic weapons. Donald trump banned them in 2017 after the massacre at a las vegas Music Festival where a shooter aiming from a hotel room fired 1100 rounds in just 11 minutes. Everyone agrees that machine guns can be banned. The arguments here hinge in part on the very technical issue of exactly how bump stocks work, and whether their mechanism fits the definition of a machine gun under the law. The justices really grappled with that today and what we heard was broad agreement that preventing guns from firing hundreds of rounds per minute made a lot of sense, but there was disagreement about whether the ban was justified by that machine gun law. [rapid gunfire] michael hold on, the Supreme Court is trying to decide if that gun is a machine gun . Look, im not a machine gun expert. But if a gun makes you go. [sputtering uncontrollably] thats a machine gun. The court spent all day throwing around very technical questions about trigger functions versus trigger pulls to determine what a machine gun is, but id like to suggest we approach this case with my new legal theory its called looking at something with your [bleep] eyes. [cheers and applause] yeah. If a gun can fire 5,000 rounds a second, you can debate firing mechanisms or you look with your [bleep] eyes and see that its a machine gun. Are the shells flying out of the gun at a machine gun rate . Look with your [bleep] eyes, its a machine gun and this doesnt just stop with guns. My legal theory can be applied to all sorts of issues. Like ivf you could debate viability or conception, or you could just look with your [bleep] eyes and see that this is a cluster of cells in a petri dish, not a person. Okay . [cheers and applause] do i have to take this petri dish to the playground and give it snacks all day . No . Then its not a person. Ive seen sourdough starters more alive than that. But no, conservatives are saying, its not about how it looks, theres a very specific trigger mechanism, blah, blah, blah. They have the same approach to guns that snobby liberals do to wine. Unless it comes from the machine gun region of france, its only a sparkling rifle. Look, i dont even blame gun nuts, i blame the forefathers they should have been clearer the Second Amendment is only 27 words. Youd think theyd put a bit more detail into the amendment that gives killing power to everybody, but no, they just a 27 words. Even the amendment that gives women the right to vote is 39 words that could be three. Women be voting. Done [laughter and cheering] lets move on to a country that doesnt have gun problems scotland. Dont get me wrong, they have equally big problems of their own. Now to furious parents in scotland who thought they had scored a Golden Ticket to an amazing willy wonka experience but instead, wound up with something closer to the Fyre Festival. A new event in glasgow willys chocolate experience. Aigenerated images promising a whimsical day for kids with an enchanting garden, live performances, and character appearances including Oopma Loompas all for about 45 bucks. Instead, a nearempty warehouse. A bouncy castle with wooden tables set up, some janky props of candy, reports of kids crying. We paid money. Theres children here. One actor who played willy wonka described the event as a place where dreams went to die. Michael i hate to say it, but if youre an actor whos playing willy wonka in a warehouse, your dreams probably already died a while ago. Look, i dont know why everyone is so upset that the kids were traumatized. Have you seen the movie . Traumatizing kids is the authentic wonka experience they should just be thankful they didnt have to get rolled out. Oh, im sorry, you had to drink a plastic cup of lemonade . Violet beauregard has to buy three airplane seats from now on people are comparing this thing to the Fyre Festival . Come on, guys, its not the Fyre Festival. For one thing, none of the parents offered to suck an Oompa Loompas [bleep] for a bottle of water. But i do get why the parents are upset they marketed this thing with these incredible ai pictures. It looks nice. Unless you looked at the aiwritten words, and maybe that should have tipped the parents off. I mean, look at this actual text on the website catcagating . Cartchy tuns . Exaserdray lollipops . A passadise of sweet teats . Who reads that and thinks, oh, this seems legit . On the other hand, it is scotland, and thats just what english sounds like. Finally, lets move on to political news in our ongoing coverage of indecision 2024. [cheers and applause] yesterday, my home state of michigan held primary elections, but the big story was who democrats didnt vote for. This morning, President Biden and former President Trump coming off huge wins in michigan. But its these voters who shook up the democratic primary. If he doesnt get it together and change what hes doing, we will not vote for him in november. Overnight, an extremely unusual watch party for voters who cast their ballots, not for a candidate, but for uncommitted in protest of President Bidens handling of the israelhamas war. The efforts organizers had set their goal at 10,000 votes. They got more than 10 times that. Michael wow, 100,000 people went outside in michigan in february to say they dont like you . That is a lot of commitment to uncommitment. Reminds me of my single years [howling] anyway, its horrible whats happening in the middle east. And ceasefiresupporters are sending joe biden a strong message that if he doesnt push for an end to this war, they wont vote for him. And im glad theyre making their voices heard. This is how you get attention of politicians. You threaten to kick them out of office if they dont listen to you. Of course, in this particular situation, the guy who would take his place is trump. Not only is he not sympathetic to your cause, he said hes gonna add gazans to the muslim ban its like convincing your sister to break up with that guy whos no good for her and then next christmas, she shows up with pennywise. Hes got kids in the sewer. Thats a red flag, sis for more on the michigan primary, lets go live to the State Capitol with our own Jordan Klepper. [cheers and applause] jordan, whats your take here . Well, michael, i can speak to the feeling over here, because im actually a michigan native myself. A michigander, if you will. Michael no kidding . Same here. Where are you on the hand . Over here on the western palm. Michael oh, interesting. Im just a little southeast of the thumb. Oh you simple stupid thumb folk. I had no idea. Must have been wild cutting class to snort car grease in the abandoned pontiac factory. Michael oh, right, like you guys had it so good in the west. Selling tulip bulbs so you could buy tickets to minor league west michigan whitecaps games. You take the name of the west michigan whitecaps out of your mouth, thumb boy michael okay, jordan, lets put our obviously universal michigan references aside for the moment and focus in on the primary. It seems like a lot of democrats expressed dissatisfaction yesterday. True, michael. But that embodies the beauty of our democracy. No matter who you are or where you come from, in our country, you will be heard. As long as you live in a swing state. [cheers and applause] states . Thats only, like, ten states not at all. Five max. Michigan, wisconsin, pennsylvania, georgia, and sometimes arizona. Everything else might as well be canada. Michael okay, well, what about people who live in new york . They can shut the [bleep] up. No one gives a shit what those people think. Michael okay, i see what youre saying. So really we michiganders hold a lot of power, whether we come from the east or the vastly inferior, dimwitted, peabrained west. Yes, even you, the bizzarro eastern michigan Jordan Klepper with worse hair and a strangely smaller forehead has power. The point is, weve got the democrats by the balls and we need to squeeze them like sweet michigan cherries for everything we want. Michael like peace in the middle east . Sure, that can be part of it but also, we need to build a wall on the ohio border. Keep the buckeyes out. Michael i love this. And we can put eminem on the Supreme Court yes well need a federal holiday for jeff daniels birthday. And retroactively make the lions this years super bowl champions. I dont know how biden does that, but thats his problem, not ours. Michael yep. We could declare lakes are better than oceans. And Lake Michigan is obviously the best lake. Michael i think you mean lake huron. I wouldnt be caught dead in that pillinfested sludge pool you call a lake. Lake michigan is clearly superior. Michael Lake Superior is superior, you moron. Youre as useless as ohio states defensive line. Youre not wrong about that. [bleep] the buckeyes. Michael absolutely [bleep] the buckeyes. Jordan klepper, everybody. Good guy. [cheers and applause] when we come back, well take a look inside our leaders brains. Dont go away. [cheers and applause] make me go loco, loco make me go loco, papi make me go loco, papi come seek the royal caribbean. Go loco, loco just the two of us we can make it if we try just the two of us just the two of us get two entrees and an appetizer for 25. Only at applebees. The future is threatened by enemies often unpredictable. When there are battles to win for americas future, there is one constant marines. Lays wavy potato chips are made for dipping. So, youll spill less dip and break fewer chips. Which almost everyone will love. dont you forget about me sorry, frank. Made for dipping. Lays wavy. Stay golden. [cheers and applause] michael welcome back to the daily show. Some big news today one week after turning 82, Mitch Mcconnell, the longest serving Senate Leader in u. S. History, unfroze long enough to make a big announcement. We have some breaking news from capitol hill to tell you about. Senator Mitch Mcconnell says he will step down from his position as republican leader come november. Mcconnell is the longest serving Senate Leader in history. One of lifes most underappreciated talents is to know when its time to move on to lifes next chapter. Michael next chapter . I dont think theres that much left in the book, my friend. I think youre looking at the acknowledgments page right now. But yes, this is the end of mitchs reign in the senate. And in honor of all that he has done to stop mass shootings, there will be a 21gun salute at an Elementary School later this month. [audience reacts] but this does raise a question how do aging politicians know whether they still have it together enough to keep doing their jobs . We found the doctor who lets them know. Take a look. Chuck grassley turned 90 years old. Americas ruling class is composed mostly of old people that work tirelessly to ensure our country is running at full speed. Good morning, sunday morning. But despite them passing a full yearly medical exam, some people wonder, who is the doctor evaluating the Mental Fitness of americas top leaders . Lets put it this way. He has two thumbs. My name is doctor Dennis Lowery stein. And i and the u. S. Governments chief neurologist. It is my job to evaluate our leaders brains, and the good news is, they are all perfect lets take a look at President Biden. America is a nation that can be defined in a single word [unintelligible] in the himalayas, xi jingping. That is amazing. His brain is switching languages midsentence. That is muy bueno. Or should i say muy braino. A someone who suffered from multiple brain injuries myself, i know important how Mental Health is. I know that because i suffered many brain injuries myself. Okay, senator mcconnell, im just going to ask you a few questions to check the old knock in. What is is a picture of . Yeah, i guess it does kind of make you think. Good insight, senator. Im going to clear you for another six years. I check every part of the brain. Portside, the einsteins taint taint, and alisa {flush lobe. The back. I am Nancy Pelosis nephew. I mean, i am not him but she thinks i am. So. I have not personally met all my patients, but you dont have to. Neurology is something that you just kind of eyeball. 5 minutes later, go back. They dont tell you this, go back to that question and repeat them. Can you do it . And you go, person, woman, man, camera, tv. More words than i know. The best part of my job is reassuring the public that their leaders are okay. No, wait. The best part is writing my own prescriptions but after that, reassuring the public. I know, i know, a lot if you have expressed concern for the senators wellbeing but i have his test results right here. 100 . That is what he said when i asked him what year it was buried and you know what coming to me, that is close enough. Bottom line, if you were worried about the mental faculties of our highest ranking officials, just remember, youve got a professional making sure everything is okay. Yes, hi. I just wanted to inform senator feinstein that her brain is cleared for another term. Oh, she did . No, no, that doesnt change my diagnosis at all. You have a good day. [cheers and applause] michael when we come back, Sloane Crosley will be joining me on the show. So dont go away. [cheers and applause] ugh nope try my old spice you can use it on your pits, chest, and even, your. Toes . [both] oh thats fresh old spice whistle i love your dress. Oh thanks i splurged a little because Liberty Mutual customized my Car Insurance and i saved hundreds. Thats great. I know, right . 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Slow cooked responsibly raised beef. Seasoned with garlic and cumin. Handshredded for fall off the fork tenderness. Chipotles braised beef barbacoa. If you know, you know. After military service, you bring a lot back to civilian life. Leadership skills. Technical ability. And a drive to serve in new ways. Syracuse universitys Daniello Institute for veterans and military families has empowered more than 200,000 veterans to serve their communities and their careers. From professional certifications, to job training, to help navigating programs and services, we give veterans access to support from anywhere in the world. Happy groundhog day i brought sam adams cold snap and this groundhog. Uhoh. patrons screaming bright. Citrusy. Perfect for spring. [cheers and applause] michael welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight is a bestselling author whose new book is called grief is for people. Please welcome Sloane Crosley [cheers and applause] sloane all right hi michael how are you feeling . I feel pretty great. How do you feel . Michael i feel great. Thank you for having me. Michael im excited to talk to you. This book is beautiful and wonderful. You write, before this book, a lot of essays involving humor. This is a memoir involving loss and grief with a lot of humor in it. I laughed. But how did you strike the balance between grief and laughing . I know. I cant believe im here talking about this sad book. No, i think that the sort of topography of grief that everyone experiences, the people you miss, you miss because they are so specific. And in this case, the person i miss was very dark and very funny. And so you have both my cylinder of humor going and his going at the same time. Michael you mention russell, but really, when you start this book, it is about being burglarized. I know. So many bad things happened. Michael so many bad things happened. Again, there is a lot of laughing, for real. [laughter] but one of the most interesting parts of the book is how it turns. And tell me a little bit about, you know, how you approach that from being robbed to then this next bad thing that happened. Yeah. So basically, in june, june 27th of 2019, i left my apartment for one hour to get a hand xray, so i took all my rings off. I mean, what are you going to do . And came home to find all my jewelry gone, burglarized. Not particular flashy, just gone. Then a month later, my dearest friend unfortunately died by suicide. So that first loss obviously became the more minor precursor to the second loss. But as a human being, i am deeply unlucky. Michael okay. I am. But as a writer of this book, i knew, this is a suspenseful story about grief and it is a funny story about grief and i dont think you get a lot of those. Michael yeah. Tell me about russell. You tell a lot in the book on national television, i am glad to. Just like anyone would about their friend. So i used to work in book publishing. He hired me. I worked for him for ten years. He was a wildly generous, funny, brilliant, brilliant publicist, and deeply inappropriate. Im really hesitant to repeat some of the lines in the book. [laughs] but he fit sort of less and less in a world that he had helped build in a way. Part of the challenge of this book was how to memorialize and pay tribute to someone like that without sounding like a frustrated septuagenarian white man who is like, it is just not the same. Michael the world has changed. The world has changed. He was just a wonderful, well read human being who really was almost like, he is my partner in crime. Michael why are we afraid to say grief . Why are we afraid to talk about it . I find talking about death, especially in north american culture, it is like, keep it down. Why . Tell me the answer to this existential question. Thats why you are here. Oh, that i specifically have [laughs] michael that you have a good thought on. And how to speak to people who are grieving . Michael yeah. And why it is that we talk about it so little . Why is there a little bit of an air right now . A squeamishness. Michael because there is grief, there is sadness. Especially the kind of death is very scary. When we say, we dont necessarily say, your cancer, a cancer, we do say a suicide or his suicide. It is like hot coal and we give it back to the dead person as fast as we possibly can. I think because we are frightened for ourselves as we well should be. I think the only way around it is to discuss it more and to talk about it and to be asked questions about it. You know, in the wake of russells death, people would often say, did you know . Which i personally dont have the best reaction to, because i dont know if it is for me or for him. Michael i have heard you say, part of grief is becoming on the side of the living once again. Explain that to me. Well, if you have ever grieved someone, you know that especially right away, there is this sort of almost embarrassing thing i felt which is, i was receiving all of these wonderful condolences, and i felt like i was illequipped or did not have the shelving to accept them, because everybody had committed the sin of not being able to bring my friend back. And i just wanted to do whatever he wanted to do. So we had a memorial service. I turned into what i call in the book a funeralzilla. Michael [laughs] where i was like, is it hard to shut down fifth avenue for an hour . Why are these programs not bound with ribbon . Michael right, right. Okay, somebody needed just pulled me aside and say, you know, hes not going to be going to the memorial service. And honestly, at that moment, no, i did not know that. Michael right. So is it changing that focus back to present tense . I love that. Yeah, and change it to what he would want, you know . Again, especially with someone who dies by suicide, they are more than their last act of free will, and we had an entire friendship, an entire life together, where i know that he wanted more from me than to just focus on him. Michael yeah. It is a beautiful book. You will laugh, you will think, i promise you, but its also a tribute to your friend, russell. Thank you for chatting with us. I appreciate it. A delight. Michael grief is for people is available now. Sloane crosley, everybody. We will take a quick break. Well be right back after this. Thank you. [cheers and applause] [street noise] [text message] whole team is here coffee . Ah yes thank you what if the promise of better work wasnt just something we dreamed about. But something we found . This might be the one or better yet. No way . Something that found us. I got the interview. Ay, muy bien [sfx seagulls squawking] [sfx fishline] back for another flounder fish sandwich . And a shrimp tackle box. Let us do the fishing while yall enjoy our seafood that youll love. Get them before theyre gone. Dad, dont forget about my new cleats. Sweetie, i cant make it to dicks this week. Have you heard of dicks. Com . Have i heard of dicks. Com . Girl lets go lets go have i heard of dicks. Com . screaming whoa. Dont overthink it. Lets go shopping. Actually what i need are some cleats. How about one of these . Great. Done. Anything else . No. Golf clubs . Not for me, for a friend. Yeah, yeah, of course. Anyone impressed with how fast that was . Yeah, totally i know, i went to dicks. My cleats thank you i love you wha. Ii went to dicks. Com. Ever heard of it . Girl 2 yeah, i told you about that. is it menopause or Something Else . The menopause journey has stages. Learn about yours with clearblue menopause stage indicator. That tracks your fsh hormone levels. Combining them with your cycle data. Whats your menopause stage . Just the two of us we can make it if we try just the two of us just the two of us get two entrees and an appetizer for 25. Only at applebees. [robot sounds] [car revs] [cars honking] hey, lexus show alternate routes. [drone sounds] [drone crashes] the future. Sometimes its a work in progress. Other times, its pretty well thought out. [robot beeps] the tech forward and tech ready, lexus nx. [cheers and applause] michael thats our show for tonight. Now here it is. Your moment of zen. My blood type is very negative. Thats my problem. I dont know what to do. Even phone sex, i tried it once. I got an ear infection. Is that good . So because of that, i am so frightened of getting close to somebody, i have this fear of intimacy, and the best i can say to anybody now while i am making love is i love you, ladies and gentlemen. That is the best i can say. And i love all of you and you. You are the king. I am flattered to be here. Im going down to south park gonna have myself a time both Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation im going down to south park gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting howdy neighbor headin on up to south park gonna see if i cant unwind [muffled] come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine mom, mom mom, seriously, Something Wonderful has happened what is it, snookums . Mom, look. The tooth fairy. I put a tooth under my pillow, and she gave me 2. Shes only given me a lousy quarter before. Oh, my. She must think that you are a very special little muffin. Yeah, this is so tits dont say tits, eric. Oh, i mean, this is so cool well, perhaps now you should take that money and open up a savings account that has compounded daily interest. You can compound daily my ass with interest, mom. Im going to the toy store and buy me a skateboard. But, eric, i think maybe the tooth fairy wants you to use that money to learn about saving. Mom, you dont know what the tooth fairy wants me to do with this money, okay . Youre not the tooth fairy. Ill see you later. Oh, man, this is so tits you guys, youre not going to believe this oh, my god, you guys, seriously just wait until you hear this, you guys im rich, im totally rich arent you stoked . What the hells wrong with cartman . Hes fat and hes stupid . Look at what the tooth fairy left me last night. 2. No way. For one tooth . For one tooth. Dude, every time i lost a tooth, i only got a quarter. I only got a jar of gefilte fish. Well, that doesnt matter, because i have an idea that is totally tits. Totally what . Look, i dont know why the tooth fairys being so cool to me. Maybe shes hot for me. I dont know. But if we all chip in with teeth, then i can hide them under my pillow, and we can get enough money to buy a sega dreamcast. Together sega dreamcast . All we need is teeth. I already lost all my baby teeth. Me too. Mmmm. You still have baby teeth, kenny . No way kenny, think about it. Dont you want a sega dreamcast . [mumbling angrily] all right, kennys in, you guys tits [bell ringing] okay, the string is tied to kennys tooth. You ready over there . Almost. You ready, timmy . Timmy when i say go, you slam your electric wheelchair into high gear. Okay, timmy . Timmy right, youre timmy. Timmy, labalayah [muffled] ill tell you why it has to be you, kenny. Because your family is poor and therefore has bad oral hygiene, so your teeth are going to fall out someday anyway. If you think about it, you should actually be thanking us. Oh, thank you, guys. Youre welcome, kenny. [muffled] fuck you all right, get ready, timmy. Timmy hey, guys, what are you doing . What does it look like were doing, butters . We need a tooth, so were using timmys wheelchair to pull out one of kennys. Oh, hey, i got a loose tooth right here. Together you what . [muffled] you what . Timmy yep. One of mine came out not two hours ago. Uh, butters, could we have it