[cheers and applause] desus welcome to the daily show i am desus nice. Can i get a yeah . [cheers and applause] yo, weve got a great show for you tonight. Im super excited, a little for this show but mostly because the night is the greatest team in basketballs opening. The New York Knicks [cheers and applause] now win or lose, i will be on the street outside the ms tree screaming. So if i dont have a voice tomorrow, you know why. But i do have a voice now, so lets get into some [bleep] headlines. [cheers and applause] lets kick things off with big news about the speaker race in congress. After spending three weeks on the dating scene temple republicans are finally swiping right, far right. Breaking news out of washington, house lawmakers finally elected the new speaker of the house. After 22 days, 14 candidates, and four nominees, House Republicans united to elect congressman mike johnson of louisiana, the new speaker of the house. Republicans finally named conservative congressman mike johnson. It is about time. Desus [laughs] that is right. Americas new speaker of the house is some dude named to mike johnson . I will be honest. That sounds like the name you give a hotel when you are checking in after having an affair. My name is. Mike johnson . Mike johnson . You rent rooms by the hour . Now if you dont know mike johnson, dont worry. Nobody else does. But what they do know is that he wants nationwide limits on abortion [boos] he wants to criminalize gay s sex [boos] and he even wants to ban reggaton. [boos] im lying on the last one but that seems like his vibe. The one thing that people know about this dude, he was one of the main guys trying to steal the election for donald trump. [boos] but apparently, he doesnt want to talk about that anymore. Johnson is a staunch trump ally who recruited republicans to sign on to efforts to overturn the 2020 election. I asked him if he stands by that vote. You helped lead the efforts to overturn the 2020 election results. [boos] shut up, shut up [laughter and applause] desus all right, someone, come get their nana. So at first when i saw that reaction, i was like, damn, that was a lot. But then i learned the reporter who asked the question was black. Then it made a little more sense. Especially when i found out that shut up lady is named virginia . And she represents north carolina. Thats a lot of Southern Heritage right there. I bet you she was born in some small town named plantationville or something. Where was she born . Oh. [audience reacts] oh, she from the bx . Bx all day . Wait. Yo i remember her yo she used to be on the block thats ginny from 149 we used to go to high School Together she got old as shit. I will see her at the reunion, though. All right, lets move it onto the restaurant that has had it with you and your loud as kids. The restaurant charging customers a new fee. Its a bad parenting fee. The menu at a restaurant in georgia lists a surcharge for adults, unable to parent. Yikes. One customer was charged 50 for their kids behavior. Critics of the policy say children are unpredictable, but supporters say it keeps parents in check. Desus i dont understand why this is necessary. We already have restaurants where you can go and there is no kids there. It is called the strip. No, for real. Theyve got the best sushi in new york city. Well sushi out there. If they are going to do this, they should charge based on what your kid did. Is your kid during french fries . Ten bucks. Is your kid putting their mouth on the ketchup bottle like it is their mom is titty . 20. Is your kid not really doing anything but he keeps staring at my table like a creepy ghost . 50 bucks. So i fully support this. Its almost as good as my idea to keep kids in line, this lady. Shut up desus problem solve. All right, lets move on, because a big internet debate has finally been settled. Im not talking about whether Justin Timberlake should get a pass for his wigger phase. I am talking about whether you would rather have 500,000 or lunch with jayz. Now people have been arguing about this for years, but now hova himself has weighed in. Theres Something Interesting online, jay, id love to hear what you think about this. If you had a choice between getting paid 500,000 in cash or lunch with jayz, which would you choose . You got to got to take the money. People say, of course you take you take lunch with jayz because the wisdom that you would get from him would be so beneficial to you you would take the money . Take the 500,000, go buy some albums, and listen to the albums. The blueprint literally to me and my life and my journey is there already. Desus thats your advice . Weve been listening to your music and we are not billionaires all ive learned is concrete jungles are where dreams are made of. And i have no idea what that means. I do be singing that hell out of that of the club, though. By the way, this only works for jayz. No other wrapper commands anything close to half a million dollars. Any other rapper, it would be like, you want 142, or tapas with da baby . The only thing you got to remember is if you do take the money, just dont invest it with who . [crowd says d. J. Nevada] desus hey [applause] but yeah, jayz says to take the 500 grand instead of lunch with him. Which makes me wonder, why doesnt jayz want to eat lunch with him . Kind of sounds like hes hiding something. What if he doesnt want you to eat lunch with him because he is secretly a picky eater . I dont like the mouth feel of mashed potatoes. It is making my tongu itch. Do you know how they raised tilapia . Its a bottom feeder. Yo, box this bread. I didnt get rich by wasting bread. Take the condiments home. I havent paid for catch up in ten years. Your boy. I cant eat with that creepy ghost kid staring at me. Listen, for more on this, we turn to Michael Kosta and grace kuhlenschmidt. [cheers and applause] michael, lets start with you. 500 grand or lunch with jayz . Whats the right choice . Its easy, desus, you take the money. What Financial Advice is jayz gonna give me . Hey, michael, become the greatest rapper in history . At best, i could make it into the top 20. Let me show you what i got, desus, drop me a beat. Felon, killing him a bad boy drilling desus absolutely not. Grace, what about you . Do you take the money . No way, you definitely have lunch with jayz. Look at his list of accomplishments. He married beyonce, he dated beyonce. He probably has beyonces phone number. So yeah, definitely lunch. Screw the 500 grand. I would pay that much to have beyonce spit on me. Yes, of course wed all pay half a mill for beyonce to spit on us, but thats not the question, grace. Between jayz or half a million, you got to take the money this is why your rap career stalled, michael. You dont think big enough. You dont have to choose between jay z and the money. What you have to do is, have lunch with mr. Z, but you tell him you only eat gold coins, like a my strange addiction thing. Then, after a couple of hours in the emergency room, you are rich no, no, you cant meet jayz and poop out gold. It is not your birthday, okay . Money or lunch. You have to choose. But i dont, though. [laughs] to quote jayz, no thank you desus what jayz song is that from . Oh, its not from a song. I just assume at some point jayz has definitely said, no thank you. My point is, having lunch with mr. Knowles could still make me rich. Investment. Dividends. Profit these are all words he could define for me grace, you are making this too complicated. Do what id do, just take the 500,000, invest it in a sensible index fund. Then, in five years, i take the principle, take it to vegas, put it all on black. I win big, now im a high roller, i get frontrow seats to the big prize fight, whos in the front row . Boom. Jayz fell out, that way i can also i pretend one of my contacts fell out, that way i can also pretend i dont recognize him at first, which will make him feel normal and remind him of simpler times. I give him some of the kosta charm, we exchange numbers, i ask him to lunch. Then, when we meet up, i play him some of my rap demos. Yes, yes you play your rap demos, beyonce hears them, shes so offended by what she is hearing that she spits on you. You are a genius [applause] [cheers and applause] i am a genius, and i mean this. My boy sneezes, allergy season desus, give me a beat give me a beat desus we are out of time Michael Kosta and grace kuhlenschmidt, everybody. [cheers and applause] when we come back, we find out the truth behind lanternflies. So dont go away. [cheers and applause] [explosion] karangailyg kara hovaa o, dyngyl dyngyldaaai want luxury hair repair that doesnt cost 50 . Pantenes provitamin formula repairs hair. As well as the leading luxury bonding treatment. For softness and resilience, without the price tag. If you know. You know its pantene. Carl never really thought much of his credit scores. Until he got credit karma and used his scores to score more. Like this less humble, humble abode. Thats what im talking about carl. Intuit credit karma. Download the money app where your hard work pays off. alarm ring lets go. Everything theyve tasted until now. Ok. Was just practice for this. Oh my goodness gracious. These are the two sauces. Sweet and spicy jam, and the mambo. Look how that thang drizzle on there. The way its glistening, stop. Oh my. Mh, mh, mh. Sweet spicy jam and mambo sauce are on the mcdonalds menu for a limited time. Oh my goodness. Ba da ba ba ba [cheers and applause] desus welcome back to the daily show. There are a lot a lot of conspiracy theories out there, and i believe, like, 80 of them are true, which is why we have a special segment that reveals the conspiracies you might have missed. Conspiracies. They are everywhere. Or are they nowhere . Or is not exactly what they want you to think . So thats where that while it is. For every d, there is a me. Im Kevin Matthew kemp. Follow me as i pull back the curtain to find the truth behind the curtain. This is project conspiracy. New york has been the victim of countless animal invasions. Apes, lizards, beetles, and now, there is a new invader wreaking havoc on new york, and it might just be the most dangerous one yet. The spotted lanternfly. The invasion of the spotted lanternfly. They wreak havoc on more than 70 varieties of plants. Speak of the spotted lanternflys are everywhere. Once they stick, they breed quickly. You walked out any sidewalk in the city and you will see them, a bug, seemingly biologically engineered to be squished. Easy to spot. Docile. With a slight crunch that tickles the ear. Damn it. Now i have killed my fair share of animals. And every single time, the officials tell me to please leave the zoo. So why is it that this time, the government agrees with me . This is so much poo. Officials are telling residents to stop and squash. Squash, stomp. If you see it, smash it. Just go whack, whack on the flipflops. Is much as i love stomping the life out of things come anytime i agree with the government, it means that something is not right. It is time to get to the bottom of this bugpsiracy lanternflys, where do they come from . Well, the government claims they migrated from china. That is an obvious lie. China has to be at least 50 miles from new york. Wei too far for a bug to fly. Nice try, deep state. I am not taking the bait. So the real question is, who or what would stand to gain from continuously smashing. Ah while seeking treatment for my battle wounds, suddenly, i realized the answer. Open bracket whispering] podiatrists. Podiatrists. Come on, there has always been something shady about podiatrists. A doctor just for your feet . That is like having a doctor only for your heart. Doesnt make any sense. But if these guys were going to get rich, they would have to manufacture demand. Damn it the most obvious way to do that is to create a fake bug crisis, laundered to the American People through the u. S. Government, enticing us to walk directly into their offices. It is a plan so jeannie asked you almost to respect it but i dont. And now all i need is some proof that could bring this flipflop to heal. Thats a good one. I bet you are getting so many patients at a vendor themselves from stomping on lanternflies. Must be a real gold mine for you. No, you are the first i have seen. Most people are able to gently step on them without injuring themselves. Uhhu. Enough small talk. Where is it . Where are you reading the lantern flies . What is this . What is this, the foot of the last guy that got too close . You are never going to catch me. Your security has never seen someone move this fast. Just be careful. Your shoe you are never going to catch me. You are not going to get my copay either. I will see you in two weeks from up here, it is easy to see the vastness of this conspiracy. Millions of feet, hunting down millions of lantern flies, making millions of dollars for bigfoot. Now that i know the truth, im not going to be a part of it anymore. Just one more cant hurt. Got you whoa [cheers and applause] desus rest in peace, kevin. When we come back, wnba champion Sydney Colson will be joining me on the show. So dont go away. [cheers and applause] you dont need the same duracell batteries that help power williams racing. car engine revving until you do. Duracell is a proud partner of williams racing. Heres why you should switch fo to duckduckgo on all your devie duckduckgo comes with a builtn engine like google, but its pi and doesnt spy on your searchs and duckduckgo lets you browse like chrome, but it blocks cooi and creepy ads that follow youa from google and other companie. And theres no catch. Its fre. We make money from ads, but they dont follow you aroud join the millions of people taking back their privacy by downloading duckduckgo on all your devices today. We want it all. We want our dog to fetch it. Drop it. And drop it. Drop it we want to fix it ourselves. Ooh and. Actually fix it. We want to order the market price lobster and know the market price of the lobster. How much is. Whatever the market says. Sadly, we cant have it all. Except at sport clips, where we check in with the pros in mens hair and totally check out with pure, uninterrupted relaxation. Sport clips. Its a game changer. [cheers and applause] desus welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight is a twotime wnba champion who plays for the las vegas aces. Please welcome Sydney Colson [cheers and applause] sydney sydney congratulations on another championship. Thank you. [cheers and applause] okay, we got vegas fans in here . Desus we got biggest fans everywhere. This is supposed to be liberty turf. There is two. Desus did you come here to close . No, i am sorry. Yes, actually. Desus talk that talk. I dont have to. Most of them are cheering for the aces, i love it. I think we just got w fans here. I appreciate it. [cheers and applause] desus actually, i was at that game and it was the highest rated game in the wnba history. This season from people are actually watching games, coming out. What does it feel like to be part of that movement . We are now more visible and people are really welcoming the wnba . It is incredible. I think about when i came in the league in 2011 and what it looks like then versus what these arenas will look like today and what how many times we will see players on commercials and on tv shows, just a variety of things. More than anything i ever expected to see in my time that i was playing. Especially as a young black player, to see women that look like me doing it and killing it, i was like, just got to keep working. [cheers and applause] desus now going into game 4, you were down two star players, and that is the game you had choice words . I think we have a quick. People wanted to count us out because we had two of our starters down but they dont know, weve got some dogs on the steam i got two words to say nightnight desus wow [cheers and applause] i mean. Its got the ring but are you one of the best trash talkers in the wnba . When i tell you im not even a trash talker, i am not. This particular moment blew up and it makes me look like such desus i am loving it. A. Desus loving your villain era. I didnt even know i would be in it. I am trolling people at this point because i dont care. They are like, you only had two points. How is she on the daily show . That is going to be it today. Desus speaking of two points, kind of got cooked on twitter today by aja. My own teammate. Desus she said, you thought the whole team was going to see usher, and she tweeted a response, lololol, sis scores two points in game 4 and think she gets tickets to usher . Are you responding to that . Is this like playful rivalry . This is for sure. Desus i love that. You havent seen that before in the wnba, even the rivalry between the liberty and you. You guys respect each other on such a level. For sure. It is like, would you got a sibling or cousins that you grew up with, you rag on each other, you joke on each other, but you love them. Desus got you, got you. You are now working on a new unscripted Comedy Series called syd tp show. Are you trying to take my job . [laughter] tell me about the show. So the log line is two wnba benchwarmers or try to become the face of the league even though nobody asked them to. It is just hilarious. There is a lot of man on the street type stuff. If you sketches that we do. And i was just anybody who knows our personalities or seen us on the aces social, i think they will enjoy it. Desus thought to have me on. Season two, we are hoping for it. Come on desus the syd tp show is now streaming on fubos maximum effort channel and fubo sports. Were gonna take a quick break, but well be right back after this sydney [cheers and applause] when the murrays discovered gain scent beads, they fell in love with the irresistible scent. Huh, huh, so did their dog roger. Gain scent beads keep even the stinkiest stuff smelling fresh. Dramatic music [flight attendant alert] [baby crying] [snoring] [luggage rattling] [baby crying] dramatic music upbeat music begins for everyone whos endured the bad seat, finally, sweet, sweet redemption. The lexus tx. Threerow luxury that treats every seat like the best seat. bipolar 1, i got help to push back. I got help to push back. We got help to push back with lybalvi. Oncedaily prescription lybalvi is proven to treat manic or mixed episodes of bipolar 1 in adults to help you push back. Elderly patients with dementia have an increased risk of death or stroke. Do not take lybalvi if you are taking opioids or are in Opioid Withdrawal. The samidorphan in lybalvi can cause severe Opioid Withdrawal that can lead to hospitalization or increase risk of lifethreatening overdose. Get emergency help if you have trouble breathing, become very drowsy with slowed or shallow breathing, or feel faint, very dizzy, or confused; or if you have fever, stiff muscles, confusion, rash, swollen glands, or problems with your liver, kidneys, heart, or lungs. Other serious side effects may include high cholesterol, weight gain, potentially fatal high blood sugar, uncontrolled body movements, which may be permanent, dizziness upon standing, or falls. Are you ready to push back against bipolar 1 . Ask your doctor if lybalvi is right for you. [cheers and applause] desus thats our show for tonight but before we go please consider supporting the bronx defenders. They are a public defender nonprofit that is radically transforming how low income people in the bronx are represented in the justice system. If you can, please donate at the link below. Now here it is. Your moment of zen. There is now a push being floated by former spea Speaker Mccarthy to be reinstalled as spea Speaker Mccarthy, alongside jim jordan as the assistant speaker. Two points to make her and i do hear your laughter. Two points to make here. First, is one source who was [laughter] i cant even continue with you. Captioning made possible by Comedy Central im going down to south park gonna have myself a time