Announcer from trevors couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is the daily social distancing show with trevor noah. Trevor lets kick things off with the white house, residence of the president and new headquarters of coronavirus. It has been five days since President Trump revealed that he had tested positive for covid19, which was his most depressing test result since he found out his wife was pregnant with eric. And since that time, the virus has been spreading faster than an hbo password on a college campus. Reporter this morning, the covid outbreak spreading through the white house has reached the pentagon, and now almost the entire joint chiefs of staff, including the militarys most senior general, mark milley, and other top officers are in quarantine after being exposed to the coast guards numbertwo officer, admiral charles ray. Reporter this as the number of people testing positive who have been near the president or at the white house in recent days spiked to 24. The latest name, senior adviser, Stephen Miller, who was part of a debate prep session with the president last week. As President Trump continues to downplay the severity of the virus, the white house has become a hotbed of infection. His military aide, who carries the socalled Nuclear Football; a president ial valet who serves his meals; plus two more staffers in the press office also testing positive. Trevor yes, the nations top generals and the guy who carries the Nuclear Football are all quarantining now. And you might think this is the perfect opportunity to invade america, because the pentagon is going to have to coordinate americas defense over zoom. But, actually, given how infectious america is right now, good luck convincing your soldiers to attack. russia sergei, now is your chance, occupy the white house. iran no way. You occupy the white house russia you okay white house. You go. You go. Basically, right now, america is that free mattress on the curb. You could take it, but you know its infested with something. And i know people are making fun of Stephen Miller for getting coronovirus, but we should all be concerned for him, because with a forehead that big, if he gets a fever, its going to affect Climate Change all by itself. Not to mention, miller is at much higher risk, because covid is harder on people over 60. Hes 35 . Are you shitting me . And the person i feel really bad for is jared, because he already has, like, 30 jobs. And now that everyone else has to quarantine, hes going to have to pick up all the slack. trump jared, im going to need you to run the military, be my press secretary, and hold the Nuclear Football. jared but ive never held a football you got to appreciate the irony, though, right. The president who spent years blaming mexicans for bringing over disease, and now hes turned the white house into a petri dish. But, look, weve been talking about nothing but corona all week, and there is other stuff happening. In fact, theres some pretty big news today from the world of tech. A blockbuster report by house lawmakers calling on congress to break up big tech. After a 16month investigation into apple, amazon, google, and facebook, the democraticled Judiciary Committee says the big four all hold or abuse monopoly power and need to be reined in. The 450page report compares the industry giants to the likes of oil barons and railroad tycoons. The panels now proposing the biggest overhaul of antitrust laws in decades. Trevor thats right, a major house investigation is recommending that the Big Tech Companies have become powerful monopolies and so they should be broken up. And that means amazon could be split off into one company that sells you the products that youre trying to buy, and another company that tricks you into buying weird knockoffs from countries that no longer exist. Apple could be separated into one company that sells you phones, and another company that sells you a different charging cable every single year for no reason. And google could be broken up into one company that gives you search results, and another company that keeps guessing what youre about to type. How do you get rid of a rash on your crotch . Eww. No. Install a ceiling fan . When you have a rash on your crotch . Now, on the one hand, this is almost so obvious that i cant believe it took a 16month investigation to figure out. Of course these Big Tech Companies are monopolies. And breaking them up could be a good idea. I mean, if you break up amazon, thats great news for bookstores in 1997. On the other hand, the only reason these companies have gotten so big is because people clearly love using them, so Congress Might want to be careful about how far they take this. Good news everyone, were breaking up amazon. Okay, congress, i guess youre alling if to be delivering my shampoo. I want prime from somebody, and i dont care who it is. Theres no question that the reputations of Big Tech Companies have taken a hit in recent years. For instance, facebook used to be reconnect with Old High School friends and then block them when you discover theyre married. But then, in the last few years, its become the internets top destination for people who believe the moon landing was faked to cover for the j. F. K. Assassination. And now it seems like facebook has recognized what its become and theyre finally taking steps to put an end to one of its biggest problems. Facebook says it is now removing all accounts associated with the rightwing Conspiracy Movement known as qanon, a hub for wild internet rumors and disinformation campaigns. It says its removing all accounts on facebook and instagram. Its a serious blow to the qanon internet conspiracy campaign that most americans would say sounds completely crazy bignamed democrats, hollywood stars, and the mega rich are actually child trafficking pedophiles who kill children in satanic rituals. Trevor okay, okay. You know what . Good for facebook for doing this, although, im a little worried its too late. Facebook is like the bar that decides to hire a bouncer after the 223rd stabbing. That, basically, every group is a qanon group now. Even your grandmas knitting group is like, today were learning a new needlepoint pattern. Do you like it . Now, of course, for qanon followers, this will just reinforce their belief that big tech is censoring them because theyre also in on the conspiracy. Which is ridiculous. No one at facebook is eating babies, okay . Because without babies boom thats 90 of facebook posts, gone. So, look, im glad that facebook is trying to shut down these groups, but to be honest, im skeptical its going to work, because when it comes to monitoring content on their platform, they dont have the best track record. Facebook apparently thinks this ad is to risque for users. Gaze seed company in canada got this notification about its onions. According to facebook, the placement of the vegetable was overtly sexual. Trevor okay, what clearly happened here is that the algorithm thats supposed to detect sexy stuff got confused. Or who knows . Maybe it did it on purpose in which case, who are we to shame it . Love who you love, algorithm. You dont let people judge you. But this is why you need an actual human involved in these decisions, because no human would think an onion is sexy. Have you really seen an onion . Its round and firm and juicy and. Its got all those layers that come off and. Whooo did it just get hot in here . Man, i need to get out of the house. There are other changes coming to, instagram, the app you used to stalk tirnd dates. If your feet have become a little toxic, here is something that might calm it down. Instagram will start hiding negative commence in posts. After a user writes a potentially offensive comment, a warning will pop up before its posted saying, this may go against our guidelines. Users will have to click the view hidden comments button to see the negative comment. Trevor all right thats what im talking about. Thank you, this is a great step. I think everyone can agree you dont want to go on instagram and see hatefilled messages. I know i dont want that. I want to go on instagram and see sexy onions butts i mean butts not onions im a normal man that likes butts. At the same time, im a little worried that hiding negative comments behind a warning is just going to make people want to click on them even more. Ooh, you dont want to see this comment. This was such a great burn we had to hide it i mean, goddamn. This was a sick burn. Dont look dont look its too good. Heres one of the problem with this policy, though. Can it pick up tone . Like, half the time, someone comments brave under a picture im pretty sure its just a form of bullying. Oh, my god. It was so brave of you to put that picture up of yourself. What do you mean brave . That was a picture of myself. I know. So brave. And, finally, theres also a how about the people who post 1,000 stories all at once, with the tiny dots at the top of the screen, like a tiny pacman. Highlights, people highlights. Finally, theres a change comg to emojis. Something to leave you with a smile today. Facebook is updating its mask emoji. So the facial feature matches the smiley emoji. The old mask had just two slits for eyes. Apple has not commented on why it upgraded the design to the one that now has a little bit more cheerful disposition. Trevor yes, they now have an emoji for people who are happy to be wearing a mask. And whats also cool is that they have an emoji for people who protest masks because they love freedom. Now, look, they say that this emoji is smiling, but it doesnt really look like its smiling. We dont know if its smiling, which i i guess makes it really realistic. Think about it for the last few months, we have been Walking Around with these masks, no one can tell what your expression is. Youre trying to smile with your eyes but some freaking stuff is going on under there. When we come back, screw Christopher Columbus. We find an italianamerican hero that all americans can support. Dont go imagine a future where Machine Learning will track your sleep. Excuse me, maam . Yes . sleepily yeah, this already does that. Oh, i didnt know that. Well now you do. Lets try this again. Imagine, one day youll be able to take an ecg. It already does that. Really . What about detect hard falls . Does it do that . Does that. Does that. Does that. Thank you. Encourages you to stay fit . Does that. Oh i dont know. Imagine a tiny device that will check your blood oxygen level. muffled it already does that. Well. That was fun. The unfair money bail system. He, accused of rape. While he, accused of stealing 5. The stanford rapist could afford bail; got out the same day. The Senior Citizen could not; forced to wait in jail nearly a year. Voting yes on prop 25 ends this failed system, replacing it with one based on public safety. Because the size of your wallet shouldnt determine whether or not youre in jail. Vote yes on prop 25 to end money bail. Vote yes on prop 25 i love this view. I love that every time this commercial airs, i get to drink another mountain dew. Here in the united states, this coming monday is columbus day, the holiday celebrating Christopher Columbus for stumbling assbackwards into the new world and then killing most of the people who lived there. But for a lot of americans, that story isnt as charming as it once was. You likely learned this line in school in 1492, columbus sailed the ocean blue. In 2020, columbus wore orange paint. Demonstrators across the country are calling for the removal of statues of Christopher Columbus, saying the italian explorer was responsible for the genocide and exploitation of native people. The Christopher Columbus statue in boston defaced specifically, beheaded. In minneapolis, protesters tied ropes around the neck of a Christopher Columbus statue and they pulled it down. Demonstrators cheering as they brought down a Christopher Columbus statue in baltimore. It was then dumped into the baltimore inner harbor. Trevor aw, look at that columbus is still exploring the oceans dont ever stop doing what you love but, guys, look, for real, we need to think about whether its a good idea to tear down these statues, because statues are where the birds poop. What are they supposed to do now . Hold it in . And i feel especially bad for the people who made these statues. You put all that work in and dont know if this guys going to get cancelled in a hundred years. Thats so unfair. Thats why beheading the statue is the best solution, because you can save the body and just pop on the head of someone else, like shaq. You see . Flawless. But while one group sees tearing down columbus statues as an attack on colonialism, another group sees it as a personal attack on their culture. Some here feel like theyre the target of reverse racism, arguing we should learn from our past, not erase it. First thing that i learned in third grade, Christopher Columbus discovered america. So hes an italian immigrant, okay. This here it represents something to me, my italian history. Its terrible they would degrade something so sacred to us. An attack on columbus is really a hate crime against italianamericans. We all remember 9 11. After that unthinkable day you remember, right red, white, and blue was everywhere. In a respectful sense, this is our 9 11. Theyre doing the same thing that columbus did. Theyre coming into our neighborhood and taking away our heritage, okay. Theyre hypocrites. Trevor wow, okay. Thats an argument for columbus i can safely say ive never heard before. You cant just come in here and destroy our heritage. Thats columbus thing no backsies and by the way, i cant believe that the other guy said that, in a respectful sense, this our 9 11. Look, man, i dont care how respectfully you put it. You cant compare anything like this to 9 11. Like, does this guy go through the drivethrough like, excuse me, you forgot my fries. And, respectfully, this is my 9 11. Now, you might wonder why italianamericans would want to commemorate the worst part of their culture. Like, i love being black, but im not going to put up an o. J. Statue in my backyard. Especially not while my white friends are there. But once you hear why those statues actually went up in the first place, you can understand why they are so meaningful to italianamericans. In the late 1800s, the they were coming in large numbers. They opened the door for more discrimination. So they embraced columbus. After all, he was italian, catholic, and already admired and quickly became an iconfor italian immigrants who argued they, too, belonged in america. In 1892, columbus day was first brought into the school system. Schools held celebrations. A year later, columbus became the theme of the world expo in chicago, branding him americas hero around the world. As columbus and his legend became further embedded in American Culture, so did the knights of columbus, a Catholic Social Club founded by italian immigrants. By 1937, the knights of columbus had gained enough influence to convince president roosevelt to proclaim columbus day a federal holiday. Trevor yeah, i know its easy to forget that today, but there was a time when italianamericans were badly oppressed in america. And they held up Christopher Columbus as a role model because he put them at the center of americas story. The same way Puerto Ricans hold up alexander hamilton. And, look, its hard to reconcile someones actions when youve built them up so much, not just as a person, but as a symbol. I mine, just ask anyone who is trying to decide if they can play Michael Jackson songs at their wedding. But times have changed, and more and more people are finding it hard to celebrate columbus, knowing all the bad things he did. The good news is that times have changed in other ways, too. Italianamericans have gone from being persecuted to being some of the countrys most powerful politicians, entertainers, and med school cadavers. So you could replace columbus with any number of deserving italians. I mean, just off the top of my head what if we replaced columbus with dr. Anthony fauci . Hes an italianamerican hero, hes beloved and respected by everyone or at least almost everyone and hes trying to fight disease instead of spreading it all over the continent. And, best of all, dr. Fauci is a short guy, so you save on the marble costs. The point is, americans dont need Christopher Columbus to celebrate the deeper meaning of columbus day honoring americas immigrant heritage, celebrating italian culture, and, most importantly, getting a day off. Its time for a short break. But dont go away, because when we come back, Alexandra Pelosi will tell me if this year really is as crazy as it feels. And ill be speaking to the i had cla were about to win an nba championship. 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Im more afraid i think i have a better chance of dying by cops than corona. Trevor Alexandra Pelosi, welcome the daily social distancing show. You created a film, a documentary about america and what many would say is the most pressing issue going on in the country right now, and that is protests around the injustice happening across the united states. It seems like an obvious choice now, but youve been working on this for a while. Why did you decide that this was the documentary you wanted to make today . You know, what is so special about 2020 is its the year that White America woke up. I didnt know that was going to be the case. You know, last march, my family went to selma with john lewis and kamala harris, for that matter. We went to commemorate bloody sunday, and we were talk ago we were on this journey to talk about the dark past of america. Trevor right. Where we are you have you dont have to tell your audience about this. A year ago i would have been preaching some sort of oldlady history civics. Now, this is something everybody its a language everybody speaks. So i think weve come a really long way in this year. And i think thats the one thing i think people need to because its such dark times and its so hard not to be sad about america right now. Trevor right. There is a little arc of history where we can look at it and say, well, in the past year, you know, weve woken up. We now know about this, and we can now talk about these things. Trevor youve been covering the story of protests in america as it gears up for one of the most contentious elections in american history. You also then happen to be outside the white house when the president came out to stage that photo op of him standing in front of the Church Holding the bible, where the National Guard shot tear gas canisters at american citizens, something that i think a lot of people didnt even realize was one of the most extreme acts by americas force on americans. Exactly. And then, the administration started gas lighting us. They said, we didnt use tear gas. Well, then, what are those canisters . We didnt use rubber bullets. Then what are these wounds on my body . They started completely oh, that wasnt the National Guard. I saw the National Guard with my own two eyes. They started tell people who were there what they saw wasnt what they saw and thats the scary part. Trevor lets talk about the title of the documentary. Its an interesting title. American selfie, one nation shoot itself. That title is provocative. It has many layers to it. Why do you think the selfie is so important in there . Why do you think the camera phone is so important in telling the story of protests . You know, well, if you look at the documentary oscar this year should go to the 17yearold girl who shot George Floyds murder. You know, i started filming people outside the apple store lining up to buy and im, obviously, making fun of them. You line up at 5 00 in the morning it get a new phone even though you already have a phone. Whats the point of that . I was in the beginning mocking the people that go to such Great Lengths to take you know, fall off a cliff at the grand canyon to talk a perfect selfie. And this totally shallow American Culture is what its become. Its really sort of shameful. But this year, it turned. It turned because people took these silly little toys that they had in their hand into weapons that they could use to defend themselves and to document history. And then we could no longer deny it. And the thing that was really important about that video of George Floyds murder is that it was the whole thing. It was a documentary in and of itself. You got to watch the whole thing from beginning to end. Because other people have been killed by police. But you can say, well, you didnt see what happened before. Or you didnt see what happened after. Trevor thats what made the story different, people got the full there was a it reduced the amount of diniability people often have. Right. And thats a really important turning point in the course of Human History that we are now im still torn about the whole thing, too. Social media i think its completely undermining our democracy. And so the conversation has gone to such low points and everybodys gone so tribal and into their own bubbles. Trevor right. Theres all this hate speech and its back to how our administration is gas lighting us. You know, if you watch our president , hell say, its all aantifa out at the protests. And you want to say i saw families. I saw college kids. I saw children. I saw pets. There were millions of americans out there protesting. It wasnt just a few yes, there were a few bad apples like there are in every right . But the important point is that everybody was out there. The two sides like to say its proud boys or antifa. Where are the rest of us, all the normal people out there protesting in the streets . They never get talked about. Trevor i would be remiss if i didnt bring up the fact that your mom is the most powerful woman in america. As Nancy Pelosis daughter, how do you think your views in and around politics and and documenting politics have have shaped. Do you think you have been able to create your own filter and your own lens on how you see the world . And if so, how do you do that . Ive gone out of my way the last 30 years as a journalist and milmmaker to go into what they call real america. It was really important for me, because i grew up in san francisco, you know, in sort of the liberal bubble. I al ays wanted to see because i like to tell my kids all the time, what if were wrong . What if, you know, were wrong about everything . When you leave new york city, people will tell you, youre wrong about everything. I like to be reminded of that all the time so i dont lose my mind. The only way i can stay sane is by talking to people who arent like me that dont believe anything that i believe in. And just trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. I think that, you know, there are more purple people out there than than were led to believe by cable news. Because cable news is in the business of just making us hate each other. Social media is in the business of making us hate each other. Its good to go out there and meet people and try and understand where theyre coming from. Trevor i recommend that everyone watches this documentary to understand not just where everyone is coming from, but where the country is headed to as well pd Alexandra Pelosi, thank you so much for joining us on the show. Thank you so much for having me. Trevor all right, when we come back, be talking to the legendary comedian, colin quinn. Dont go away. Earlier today, i spoke with comedian colin quinn. We talked about his new book where he roasts all 50 states, welcome to the daily social distancing show. Thank you very much, trevor. Trevor i mice you, my friend. Its been a long time since ive seen you. We evaporate been doing standup in clubs. We havent been doing standup in the road. How have you been coping with the thing youve been doing your entire life just not existing the way it did before . Its been very strange. I you know, im gracefully moving into my final years. I look out the window 40 times a day to check on the stores and the street. So, obviously, thats replaced standup for me. Trevor you, in my opinion, are the definition and the epitome of a new yorker. Youve seen every kind of new york. You know, youve got one of the greatest bits about how new york has jeptrified and how it changed over the years. So, colin quinn, i have a question for you that only you can answer in my world do you think new york is dead . I would say its its definitely. In as bad shape as ive ever seen it. Its a different kind of bad. Like in the 70s, testify a more crowded, violent bad. Now its a deserted ive never seen it this quiet before. And in some ways, i thought the subways would be cleaner and it would rejuvenate like venice, the fish came back to the canals. But no, the subways still smell as if its packed every day. Its remarkable. Trevor i am happy, not just for you, but for all your fans out there that you have a book that i think can hold us over until we get past this thing. Because your book overstated a coasttocoast roast of the 50 states is essentially, you know, an extended version of the show that was critically acclaimed on broadway, and youve done a ton of research. Its like a historical book, like part roast, part history book. As someone who has done the work, do you think the state of the union is strong . You know, laughs i dont think anybody thinks that. I mean, this country is you know, were a bad marriage that needs counseling. You know what i mean . Like, if it was up to me, there would be Constitutional Conventions every year because this is critical. And but it would have to be like the Constitutional Convention that didnt allow any press in, because you realize once everyone gives their opinion, theres a paralysis, because if anybody tries to do anything, everybody jumps in immediately. So until its you know what i mean . I believe in, you know, a secret the thing americans hate the most no transparency. laughs trevor so if you could change america, based on everything youve deputy, what you would do is have people meet to talk about the constitution, just, like, real emergency meeting every few years, go through it, but no press, no cameras. Just come out and be like, this is what the new constitution is going to be about. Yes, i would get the smartest thinkers not necessarily politicians but real thinkers from each thing and then do, like, the masked singer so you cant sing them and distort their voices so people cant attack them. Trevor so basically the person comes on, makes suggestions, and then after we see weve selected the suggestion, they take the hat off and were like, oh, my god. Ted cruz that was quite a liberal suggestion. And he says,yeah, ive i didnt want to say it because ive been maintaining an image of a douche bag. And Jenny Mccarthy and robin thick will be the judges. Trevor you have a deep love for the states, you have a big love of the country. You have been on the ground. Thats something i love being about a standup, man, weve been to the best and worst parts of every single state in america. We have eaten at the shittiest diners and best restaurantses. What are some of the Favorite Places you have gone to where you go, man, that place gets a bad rap, but it truly is a gem. Florida, im in love with florida, even though it deserves its bad rap. It deserves it, but i still love it, because its just like some States America is unconscious, and florida is one of those places where theyre like, were not pretending to be anything noble. Come down here. Were decadent. We dont care if youre 25. Come down, well get you a job as a d. J. , and party the rest of your life. So i like the honesty of florida. Trevor as somebody who has told jokes to every type of audience, you have always talked about americas political divide. When you talk to somebody who you feel like youve lost in your life to politics like a lot of people talk about this ive lost my family members. Ive lost my friends. We used to disagree, but now weve cut each other off completely. Have you cut them off or found a way to break through . No, i dont cut anybody off. I say, youre refusing any middle crowned, and this whole country, the only thing it has is compromise. Thats the only thing it has compromise. And without that, you dont have it will be a civil war, you know. And Everybody Knows it, but nobody people get know people get into that space where they how could you agree 100 with either a democrat or a republican . How could you coincidentally agree 100 with an agenda of anything . I dont even agree 100 with my own feelings. How could you do that with some party or some idea . Its bizarre to me. Trevor yeah, i think its become like that because people are forced in america to choose one of two. Do you know what im saying . You know, yes. Trevor so if you only have one of two options, its going to create a permanent divide because, basically, what you do its like cable packages. You go, i dont want some of these other channels, but i watch sports so im going to take this package but i dont want that package. I dont want everything else. It forces people to do that, though. You only have two parties in america so you are going to have two people pitted against each other and its the craziest thing ever. Thats right. Its the perfect analogy. Its like it leads to conflict. Thats why there are two boxers in a boxing match. If they had three or four, maybe a after a while, leave him alone laughter . Trevor the pandemic has been a nightmare for standup. Its been a nightmare for audiences in every field. It doesnt matter. Live performances are just shut down. Weve seen people trying to do something new during this period. And standups, i mean, have tried everything shows on zoom, shows on instagram, you know, shows in the park. You were one of the pioneers in that world as well, because if i understand correctly, you shot a standup special but its also partly a documentary. Its this whole hybrid thing. And youre doing standup at a drivein . You know, at a drivein, in brooklyn. And of course your buddy keith is there being very obstreperous. I brought in all the cellar comedians, so they spend the whole time basically complank and being ungrateful. When i called them they were like, thats great. Thank you. And when i get there they trash me and the whole experience the entire time. We caught it all on film, which is good. Trevor what do you hope to achieve with this . I know youre a very methodical person. What are you trying to capture in this moment . Im trying to capture the preshow energy of our personalities and just how we are. You know, like, that we can get so ir like even this special. They come in, like theyve been working the whole time, just trashing me, trashing the whole thing. But thats what we love. If a comedian doesnt make fun of you, they dont like. Trevor you i think youre going to capture it, my friend. I think people are going to love. Upon. I think people are going to love the book. Youve done the research and its the best opinionated thing i have read. Good luck out there. Enjoy it, man. Dont leave new york. Well stay here together. I love it, okay. Trevor well take a quick break but well be right back after tght. But before we go the deadline to register to vote is coming up in many states. If you havent registered yet or arent sure if you have, time is running out to make sure you can vote in november. Go to votevotevote. Com to check your registration status and see your voting options. Until tomorrow, stay safe out there, wear a mask, and remember, onions are sexy no i mean social distance damn it now, here it is, your moment of zen. Freaking raccoons, man god again this is the second time get there he is. Aaahhh no, no events on the president s schedule today. Pc babies theyre comin to your town narrator the pc babies the wokest kids around when theres something problematic theyre sure to let you know making things fun and gender neutral everywhere they go theyre everybodys favesies theyre pc babies, yeah man on radio roger, we got a roll program. Man 2 parsing cascading style sheets. Hypertext markup language protocols. Woman generating metadata. Man three, two, one. chime rumbling woman initiating squarespace analytics. Man we have launch. Youre looking good out there