Now substituting for colorado, number four, kyle broflovski. Oh jesus. Hes about to play. [gunfire] [grunting] mrs. Garrison, grab kyle. Which one is he . Arrrhhh. Ohhh. Hey, what the hell . Stop the game ahhhh ohhh. I got it. I got the ball. Kyle, no broflovski goes for the dunk. No my baaaaaaalllllssssss aagh. [screams] so let me get this straight. That woman over there was trying to get to her balls which were in the knees of a black child whose father is a dolphin. Yeah, thats basically it. Sounds like an open and shut case. All right, lets head em out. Im sorry, kyle. I should i have told you the surgery was cosmetic only. So does this mean im not really a dolphin . Lets get you two up to the clinic, and ill change you back for a nominal fee. But what about mr. Garrison . He cant go back. You know what, im okay. Even though im not truly a woman, i think i still like the new me. Id rather be a woman who cant have periods than a fag. Hey, guys this girl is staying a woman. Who wants to pound my vag . Girl power. Captioning by captionmax www. Captionmax. Com on, everybody . Welcome to the daily social distancing show. Im trevor noah. Today is thursday, september 10. If corona shut down your college and you had to move back home, not all is lost. Just teach your parents the proper way to draw a dick on your face. That way when you wake up in the morning it will still feel like you are at school. Trump goes into damage controlled over woodward tapes. Ronny chieng says why chinese keep saying the n word. And talking to samuel l. Jackson about projects hes work on and a bunch of other stuff. Lets do this, people. Welcome to the daily social distancing show. From trevors couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is the daily social distancing show with trevor noah. Trevor lets kick things off with donald trump, the first president whos a nonessential worker. Yesterday a tape dropped of an interview he did with bob woodward in february where he admitted he purposefully downplayed the risk of coronavirus. We know why, its because he didnt want to spook his precious stock market. Whoa, whoa, easy, girl. Easy, gil. Its okay, nasdaq, everythings fine. You just keep going out, girl. Now when normal people get caught on tape admitting they lied to an entire country, they usually apologize, but donald trump didnt become president by being normal, so yesterday he doubled down. Did you mislead the public by saying that you downplayed the coronavirus and that you repeatedly did that in order to reduce panic . Did you mislead the public . Well, i think if you said in order to reduce panic, perhaps thats. So the fact is im a cheerleader for this country, i love our country and i dont want people to be frightened, i dont want to create panic, as you say, and certainly im not going to drive this country or the world into a frenzy. We want to show confidence, we want to show strength, we want to show strength as a nation. Trevor you were a cheerleader . No, youre not a cheerleader, youre the coach when you see your team teem is headed for a huge defeat, you come up with some plays, right . You dont stand on the sidelines waiving pompoms and saying everything is going to be okay. Look, trump, just because you spent time in cheerleaders changing rooms doesnt mean you are one. I watched that netflix show and donald trump would not make it on the mat. Cheerleaders is everything the president is not, they work as a team, are disciplined and most importantly know how to spell words. The one up side of being stuck in this psychotic relationship with trump for the last four years is by now weve pretty much learned every pattern every trump scandal takes. Trump steps into shit and trump comes out and explains he didnt actually step in shit or it wasnt shit or if the coastal elites got out of their bubble theyd recognize stepping in shit is the most american thing you can do. This time is no different, as fox news quickly rallied to trumps corner to explain why lying to america as a deadly pandemic was the right move all along. The president was saying dont fear, he was calm and confident because he didnt want to create a panic. I thought that was fine and dandy. Youre trying to run the country, youre offering leadership. When a doctor sees a spot on your xray, he doesnt run in and say, my god, you have cancer youre going to die he says, hold on a second, this could be dense tissue, we want to look at it again. Think about it, during the depression it was d. F. R. Who had fire side chats to calm america. You look at something president obama tweeted out on march 4t march 4th, and he had the same message about President Trump about calm down. He said protect yourself and your community from coronavirus are common sense precautions, wash your hands, stay home when sick, listen to c. D. C. Governor and local health authorities, lets stay calm. Sound familiar . Lets listen to the expert and follow lines. Trevor that obama tweet isnt proving what the you think it is. Its an example of how a president can keep people calm while being realistic. The complaint is not that trump wanted to keep people calm, its downplaying the virus part. Crazy as it may seem, lots of people in america actually believe the things President Trump says. So when trump comes out and declares the deep state made up corona to ruin his birthday, they listened. As for the doctor analogy, ray is correct, when doctors see a spot on your xray, they dont panic but they check it out because it might be serious. They dont tell you you dont have a spot and dont worry one day its going to disappear like america. You want to do copay or quid pro quo . By and large, woodward took the position the tapes are nothing to be concerned about. Maybe theyre trying to not cause a panic. Bob woodwards book is exactly what you thought it would be, whats surprising is that donald trump participated in making the book. The president sat for repeated interviews with bob woodward. Why would he do that . Tonight from the source that knows the answer to that mystery. Senator Lindsey Graham of south carolina, it was Lindsey Graham who helped convince donald trump to talk to bob woodward. How did that turn out . Lindsey graham is supposed to be a republican, so why would he do Something Like that . You would have to ask him. Keep in mind Lindsey Graham has passionately opposed virtually every major policy issue donald trump articulated when he first ran so, maybe you already know the answer. Trevor this is insane. So Lindsey Graham has been pretending to be a trump alwhy this whole time, golfing with him, confirming his judges, defending him during impeachment all so that, four years later, he could trick trump into doing a bob woodward interview . And by the way, nobody forced trump to do this interview or say the things that he said. So this master plan only works if the guy youre plotting against is dumb as shit. How are we going to assassinate seizure . I have an idea. Lets leave a bunch of knives in front of him and maybe hell stab himself. This is the problem with defending trump at all costs. Eventually, youre forced to invent the most ridiculous conspiracy thesconspiracy theor. Lindsey graham is one of trumps most loyal allies but tucker is making him sound like hes hiding black lives matter signs in his office. Eventually you will run out of people to blame, there will be no one else to blame other than trump voters. Im waiting for the day carlsen says trump didnt elect himself. Who put this twisted man in power . I think we all know the answer to that. So, look, i dont know if these recordings will hurt trump in the president ial election. I mean, scandals slide off him further than his bronzer on a hot day. But if his new campaign ad is any sign, hes not taking any chances. Theres a pandemic in america of secret recordings. For too long, ordinary americans have lived in fear of being taped by bob woodward, michael cohen, and even billy bush. But donald trump will put a stop to it. In his second term, President Trump will outlaw all tapes, delete all voice mails, and destroy every microphone in the country. In fact, lets ban taking notes, too. Whatever happened to just remembering things . Reelect donald trump becaus, when that 3 00 a. M. Phone call comes in, you want to make sure its not being tapped. Im donald trump, and i approve this message. Thats what ill say to those idiots attend of my ad. Hey, are you recording trevor all right. We have to take a quick break. But when we come back, ill talk to ronny chieng about the controversy thats tearing black and asian people apart. Dont forget, samuel l. Jackson still coming up on the show. Well be right back. Tonight. We adapt and we change were here to keep you safe. Werbut right bead istart wcutting him off now,e left bead is making a bit of contact ohh weve got a double bead going for the inside line the left bead into first place wow aaaahhhh. Beautiful. Take the good, with the bad live the life you want to have send it off, with a bang whistling hi jen hi. So youre the scientist here. Does my aveeno® daily moisturizer really make my dry skin healthier in one day . Its true jen. Really . this prebiotic oat formula moisturizes to help prevent dry skin. Impressive aveeno® healthy. Its our nature. Impr sive the big events are back. Xfinity is your home for the return of live sports. Class on how different cultures use filler words to take pauses while talking and used a chinese expression that sounds like a racial slur. Some students complained saying they were offended. The university apologized. Patton insists there was no ill intent. Yo. Trevor okay. No. Hell, no. Unless you are the lead in a Quentin Tarantino movie, you have no excuse to say that word so many times. U. S. C. Removed this professor from his Communications Course for saying that word in chinese. The question is was that the right move . Well, here to help me answer it is our own communications expert, an actual chinese person, ronny chieng. Ronny, help me out here, man. When you speak chinese, does this word that sounds exactly like the n word pop up because ive never heard you use it . Well, i dont know because i dont speak chinese. Trevor oh. Well, i thought you did. Oh, yeah . Why would you think that . Why . Why would you think that . Trevor no, because, i mean, because like no, no, what. What about me makes you think i could speak chinese . Trevor i didnt mean to offend you, ronny, im sorry. Just ~bleep you. Of course i speak chinese. Im chinese. Anyway, trevor, this whole thing has gone out of hand. Theres no reason to be offended. That word is a chinese word. Trevor wait, hold up. The chinese invented the n word . No, you idiot racists invented the n word. The chinese word neyga is our word for that. Its a filler word. Hey, whats the name of the bread sticks, i would say, speaking chinese with bread sticks. Trevor all i theard r heard you saying was nei ge, nei ge, nei ge in the middle of a sentence and im a little worked up right now. If nei ge is a thinking word,er isnt that confusing when you listen to rap . Yeah, to be honest, rappers sound unsure of themselves. To me jayz and kanye didnt know if they were in paris. In paris, uh, were going to gorillas, nothing makes sense. Trevor you know what, dude, i guess this is why people need to talk to each other because now we got to the bottom of it as human beings and, i mean, now the solution is clear, you know, if that word nei ge is a word in chinese, well Chinese People just have to find another word. What . No. No. ~bleep that, trevor. Were not changing shit. We had that word for 5,000 years before racists stole it. Racists steal from everybody hitler took swastika from booeda and on and on and now theyre stealing chinese words . How about racists change their word. Trevor its not like racists have a suggestion box. You want me to ask them . If we want to have language and culture without anyonerun getting offended, have a class for blacks kids, asian kids, and all can be separate and no one will get offend snood you just invented segregation. Oh, shit, youre right. My bad. Im just trying to solve problems because this thing is dividing the black and asian communities and it shouldnt because we should be working together. Look what black and asian people can do when were united, right . Tiger woods, u tang clang. Rush hour, rush hour two, rush hour three. I think im making rush hour four, and if you are please call me, i would love to be in it. Um, the point is, black people and asian people have more in common than we think, okay. Trevor yeah, you know what, ronny . Im not going to lie. Before we spoke, i might have been a little touchy. But i think i hear what youre saying as people there are so many people designed and intended to offend us that we have to try to make sure that we dont get offended by the things that arent made to offend us. Thank you, exactly. Because otherwise theres no limit to what can upset you. You will be shocked to hear what your name actually means in chinese, trevor. Trevor wait, what do you mean my name what does my name mean in chinese . Yeah, i dont think we want to say that word publicly. Lets just say i tell my mom i work at the daily show with don lemmon. Nice talking to you. Trevor what does my name mean . Ronny . What does trevor look, well take a quick break while i look my name up in mandarin. When we come back, well be talking to samuel l. Jackson but First Talking to the f. B. I. Official trump cant stop fantasizing about. I need im hector. Im a delivery Operations Manager in san diego, california. We were one of the first stations to pilot a fleet of electric vehicles. Were striving to deliver a package with zero emissions into the air. I feel really proud of the impact that has on the environment. We have two daughters and i want to do everything i can to protect the environment so hopefully they can have a great future. Todays the day to get to your toyota dealer. Toyota. 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They may not be hydrated enough. Wabba wabba all new, Plant Powered creative roots gives kids the hydration they need, with the fruit flavors they love, and 1 gram of sugar. Find new creative roots in the kids juice aisle. The daily social distancing show. Earlier today, i spoke with former f. B. I. Official peter strzok. We talked about his new book on trump, russia and those infamous Text Messages trump says are from the deep state. Peter strzok, welcome to the daily social distancing show. Thanks so much for having me. Its good to be here. Trevor youve written a book that even today is being name checked by the president of the United States, donald trump donald trump. Hes not your biggest fan and clearly, by your book, you are not a fan of his. In many ways, for him, you are the face of the deep state that he constantly talks about. Why did you write the book and what do you hope the book is meant to achieve is this. So the reason i wrote the book was to talk about the counterintelligence threat that donald trump poses to this day. Why in the f. B. I. In 2016 we were so very concerned about his relationship with the government of russia and not just his but all the people around him, and to point out to the reader that that threat, that problem didnt stop in 2016. Director mueller kept going and the problem stays to this day. I wanted to shine a light on that. Trevor theres no denying your role in this investigation and in the Donald Trumprussia saga has been marred by Text Messages that the public has seen of yours, your opinions on Hillary Clinton and donald trump. Do you think that youre the right person to say to the public, here i am shining a light, when donald trump will use you as the example of the deep state . Yeah, i sure do, and heres why in the first place, every f. B. I. Agent, most every Government Employee has opinions. I have them, everybody i worked with did. We talk about those in private. Every single day, all of us set that aside when we go to work. Part of whats been coronavirus about the idea of a deep state, in my experience its absolutely false. Second thing, because people might have concerns, is this has been looked at up and down and left and right. Two Inspector General investigations and multiple attorneys, all kinds of congressional committees looking at them and all of them have found at the end of the day that me and everybody else that our actions were free of political bias or improper consideration and that we were doing the right thing for the right reasons. Trevor i dont believe in a deep state. Im not a big Conspiracy Theory person in any way, shape or form, but i do understand how it may look to somebody, especially a trump voter, when peter strzok is saying we need to stop this person and, more importantly, recently, an f. B. I. Lawyer was found to be doctoring documents. Once somebody is forging a document to go with their bias, that shows you that people dont just leave their opinions at the door, doesnt it . Right, but when you look at what happened to him, he is paying a severe, severe price for his penalty. There is no room in the f. B. I. Ever for any falsehood or doctoring evidence. When you do that, you will be held accountable. Thats exactly what you saw. To the broader point of i understand how people might look at this and say, yeah, pretty strong opinions. But lets go back to 2016, there were things that i knew and others knew and still knew to this day that if we let it out it would have really damaged trumps campaign. Never happened. Lets look at what happened with all the speeches comey gave about secretary clinton and trevor if i may interrupt you there. Lets take a step back. So i feel like that statement youve just made presents the veneer of impartiality because, if you have something that you cant release on donald trump that the public, if they knew about donald trump would upvote for him, but you cant use that, why even tell the people about that . Because theres a lie being made, theres a false accusation that peter strzok is biased. If im going to defend against that, i would say, hey, thats not true. If you show me evidence, i would say, hey, the things we did in the fall ingivecally hurt secretary clinton and by not saying something helped donald trump. All kinds of things have been declassified about this administration, unsurprising many have been very favorable to President Trump. I cant decide and wouldnt be appropriate to, but if im challenged to prove my impartiality, the way i have to do that is to present the evidence of what exists, and some of that is new now. We know what director mueller found. We know all the people he prosecuted. Thats the sort of thing im talking about. Woe knew it in the fall, Everybody Knows it now. If we were to talk about all the cases and the people who pled guilty about hiding their contacts with the russians, that would have been very damaging and, of course, the United States and everybody can see the truth of what we knew at the time. Trevor ive always been fascinated by how in american histwritery you read these stories about how the f. B. I. Was surveilling or even interfering in the actions of protestors, everybody from jane fonda to Martin Luther king, jr. When you look at the protests happening today, would you say that protesters need to be wary of the f. B. I. Looking into or interfering in their lives, or is that something that changed over time, or does it just depend on whos running the f. B. I. . I think its always something to be aware of. Look, i think the f. B. I. Is bound by regulation and a tradition of respecting civil liberties. But that came at a heavy price. As you pointed out, there were extraordinary abuses throughout the 70s which culminated in the church and pike committees, things like oversight reform that really codified ways that would prevent the f. B. I. From behaving that way and that became absorbed in the f. B. I. Culture which exists today. So im not worried about the f. B. I. Overstepping. What i do worry about is when you see other actors, various entities downthe department of Homeland Security and other elements, who dont have a traitional sort of domestic, you know, investigative role, who are being thrust into situations where they dont have the background, a traditional regulations to monitor and constrain that activity, everybody may be trying to do the right thing but if you dont have the regulation, the same sort of oversight, theres a lot of risk there. So im also concerned congress has an oversight role but theres a tremendous amount of tension between the executive branch and congress and that oversight, so i think thats a valid concern, i think thats something everybody should be looking at and making sure that we are behaving i say we, that the government is behaving in a way the American People expect based on our past dialogue. Trevor you have now had quite the journey, you know, in and out of law enforcement. What would you change if you could go back . What are the things that you look back as an agent and say, man, thats where i didnt do the right thing or didnt do it in the right way and i should have done that differently . Well, obviously, first and foremost, i never would have set sent the damn text i did, i think thats the obvious and easy answer. I think going back, its a great question. I wish that we would have had a better idea of what was going on with social media and the vulnerabilities that presented before we did. We saw on the terrorism side that people like Anwar Alawlaki were using youtube with good effect in reaching into the homeland and radicalizing people without any formal meetings. While we appreciated that was a tough terrorism problem not me or anybody else said, wow, what if the russians started using youtube, twitter, facebook to start doing the same thing, but instead of recruiting somebody to a terrorist organization, what if they were trying to use it to persuade people or plant disinformation . Thats exactly what they did. I wish we would have seep that sooner. I think were getting up to speed now, but thats the biggest thing i would point to. Trevor your book is interesting, your journey one to have the craziest in american history. Because there are still investigations and donald trump is still president , i guess the saga will continue. Thanks for joining me on the show, peter strzok. Trevor, great to be here. Trevor when we come back, talking to the man, the myth, the legend samuel l. Jackson. Dont go away. Trevor welcomo the daily social distancing show. So, earlier today, i spoke with legendary actor samuel l. Jackson who is producing an incredible new docuseries on epix called ensaved. You cleaned up for this interview . Right. Why . When i saw you at the academy awards, i said why am i never on your show . You said, well and i said, i have to look presentable. Trevor no, i said why have you never been on my show . Youre going to make the public feel i didnt have samuel l. Jackson on my show. Thats not how it happened. You can host the show if you want john used to invite me at least once a year. Trevor i cant invite you when its your home. You can come here anytime. You could come in and just say what you feel about the news that day in one sentence and leave. I cant invite you to the show. Really . I could do that . laughter wait till i get back to new york. Trevor oh, man, welcome, welcome im glad were final making it happen. Welcome to the show. Thank you so much, yeah. Trevor you are a bona fide legend, sir. You are truly the eepitome of not just hard work but of talent paying off, inspiring people in every way, shape or form, been in 150 movies, some of the greatest of all time, and i was shocked to find out that you had never produced anything with your Production Company with your wife and i couldnt believe this docuseries were talking about is the first thing youre producing and it has to be special and it is. Enslaved is a personal series. Tell me about it. When they came to me with the idea, it was about, you know, finding these ships that had gone down and had captured africans on them that didnt make it. I thought, this would be dope. We could get divers and maybe i could dive with them and we can go down and find skeletons with shackles still on them and stuff like that, and then combined with finding my ancestry and going into ancestry. Com and finding out i was tribally connected to the binga tribe in gabong, and there was a lot of the traffic that came through there, and what happened, it was a way for me to reconnect with my identity in that particular way and to tell a story that we never talk about. The people that didnt make it and what happened and how those people still profited from those peoplett that did not make it. You know, they didnt make it to wherever they were going here, brazil, or the west indies to work, but they still get money from these peoples bodies being stolen from this particular place. Trevor right. And it was a chance for me to do something, which is so crazy in my mind when i think abit, when people would ask me had i been to africa, and i would say yeah. They said, where . And i would say, cape town, johannesburg, morocco, egypt. They said, you havent been to real africa. Im, like,t what are you talking about . So i went to gabong and hung out there. Trevor when i talk to friends, africanamericans, who say, trevor, being stolen from your cultural identity, theres a piece that you dont even realize is missing and just the story you tell yourself about yourself. I wonder what that was like for you going back to a place where you didnt only go im from here, my lineage is from here, but they said, no, you are a lost son of this tribe, what did that feel like for you . Um, it was, you know, spiritually uplifting to connect with the tribe and to look around and see my relatives, in a real sense of faces that i knew, you know, and understand and to be welcomed by some people that looked at me in a different kind of way. Trevor right. And im there with these people and im looking at them and theyre so open and welcome, and the ceremony itself, to participate in that and to look in these peoples eyes and see that, you know, they really are theyre as proud of me leaving, or what happened when i left, as i am of being there with them and saying im glad to be back here and be fulfilled by what this actually means, to connect with something that gives me a tangible connection to the continent. Occasionally, a lot of times, when we were shooting this thing, when people start asking you how you feel, well, do you feel this way or that way . And hes, like, i dont want you defining what i feel because sometimes its survivors remorse, you know, that had that not happened, i wouldnt have reached the place that i reached here that allowed me to come back and tell this story. Trevor right. You know, what would have happened had i never had my ancestors never been taken from that place and i was brought here . So you feel a different kind of responsibility because you did achieve what you achieved, despite what this country is, and you are able to come back and hopefully encourage or tell a story that makes somebody want to go and see it for themselves. Trevor you are somebody who has not just created history but youve lived through history, and i really like that you say telling those stories, you know, reading through your story, i was amazed at how much youve lived through. Everyone focuses on your movies, but i look at the world youve lived in, its been like a movie. For instance, i didnt know that samuel l. Jackson grew up with a stutter, you know. I didnt know that about you. It comes back. Trevor and i didnt know that sometimes you would use the word mother ~bleep to just get your mouth moving. Yeah, to just center myself and stop. Trevor there are so many things about you that i didnt know. I didnt know for instance that you went to m. L. K. s funeral after he was assassinated, and i didnt know you were part of those protests and a lot of who you are has been shaped by those times. When you look at the trough tests then and now, and you look at the Journey Black america has been on for such a long time with its government, i wonder if youve seen something that gives you a glimpse of hope. Well, theres an evolution of protests, when you look at it. When i was a kid, i grew up in basically american apartheid. I was in chattanooga, tennessee, and there were places i couldnt go. All my schoolmates were black. I didnt interact with white people unless i went downtown. And when the Civil Rights Movement began or the sitins started, my parents and grandparents were terrified that i was going to go down there and get killed. I was too young to go anyway. But by the time i got to college at Morehouse College in atlanta, i started to meet and see and talk to people from snick, from sclc, and i could make a dirch nation about which idea i liked and all of a sudden i had an ideology and the war started and there was antiwar protests. I didnt know anything about the the war and the first vehement veterans i knew were students at morehouse, guys who had been in the war and came back, and they had hair like yours and we were, like, and black fists they made out of the cords, and they started talking about the the war and what was happening. Then i had a cousin the same age as i was who went to the army and got killed, and all of a sudden the war was very real for me, so i was in the streets for that, the antiwar protests. And the things that were going on, we understood them and we could watch the old protests where they sick dogs on people and hitting them with fire hoses and all this stuff, people were going, wow, this is america . And we were, like, yeah, this is america. Its like us watching the apartheid protests. I met guys from south africa who came to morehouse, and they were my classmates, so we learned more about apartheid because we had a personal connection to talk to people about it. So we understood, oh, it aint just happening to us, theres some worldwide shit happening here laughter so all of a sudden, its, like, okay, so were brothers in arms and everybody trying to, you know, get free from these shackles and everybodys got on us that tries to keep us down because they want to keep the things. And we started to understand that, you know, change doesnt happen without, you know, pain. And when i look at these kids today, i am so proud of them, number one. But what w