Ask your hcp about the lowesthormone 5year iud. [knocking] what . Hey, my names stan, and i was your coming was foretold to me. Youve come to save our people. Come in. Watch the cats. Uh, so do you know how to cure sars . Me . Heh, no, i am just a guide. Sit down. You must find the answer yourself by taking an inward journey. An inward journey . That sounds kind of gay. Let the voices of our ancestors show you the way. Breathe. Breathe from the bag of visions. [inhaling] ugh. Oh, dude. How much longer must we wait for our superhighway . Sars has spread throughout the entire town of south park, chief runs with premise. Their wills will break soon. Then i suppose we must be patient. Runs with premise, come quickly. What is the matter, wife . It is our son, premise running thin. He is very sick. Premise running thin, what is the matter . Hehe shared a glass with one of the people from china. He has sars. No. I told you not to touch them. Papa. Papa. I have given him herbs from the desert plant and water from the cactus of life, but nothing seems to be working. This would not have happened if those town people would have just moved away. No more waiting around. Tomorrow we begin the final stage of our plan shock and awe. [all groaning and coughing] dad dad stanley, did you have an inward journey with the old man . Did you have a vision . I dont know if i did or not. Ii saw something. Someone spoke to me and told me the middleclass white way to cure sars campbells chicken noodle soup, dayquil, and sprite. Yes, yes, of course. Quickly, stan, we must give it to everyone. Boy, that really did the trick, stan. I thought we were kind of sort of not really done for. Thanks to you, were all safe now, stan. Ahhhh now i will blow your weak, sarsinfested bodies off the earth. What the . Wait a minute. Stop. Stop. Youryour sars. Where did it go . We have cured ourselves using the medicines of our culture. My son, premise running thin, has the sars as well. You. You can cure him . It is amazing. All our plants and herbs failed to heal him. But your peoples remedy brings the spirit of the buffalo back into his heart. Perhaps there are many things we can learn from your way of life. Were a simple people. All we want is to be allowed to live our lives. You have cured premise running thin. In return, i shall give you all 5 credit at the casino. All right, all right, i will not build a superhighway through your town, and you can all have your homes back. [together] all right yeah whoohoo well, i guess we all learned that south park is more than just a town. Its a community that nobody can split up. Dude, who the hell are you . Alex. Alex glick. I got to come on and do the guest voice thingy. What . Get the hell out of here. Hi, mom. Hi, dad. Hi, jill. Captioning by captionmax www. Captionmax. Com from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. cheers and applause trevor welcome to the daily show, everybody. Thank you so much for tuning in. Thank you for coming out. This is it this is it thank you so much for coming out. Take a seat, everybody. Im trevor noah. So excited. Our guest tonight is one of the greatest actors to ever grace the screen. Shes won an oscar for her role in Hidden Figures and an oscar for her role in the help. Octavia spencer is joining us, everybody. cheers and applause we will be chatting about her new show on netflix called self made. Also on tonights show tom hanks has taken on his most challenging role. The coronavirus virus dunks on the n. B. A. And President Trump drops the f bomb. So lets catch up on todays headlines. All right, my friends, as you know, this is normally the part of the show where i try and catch you up on some news happening in and around the world, you know. Like on a normal day, we would be covering saudi arabias oil war with russia and how theyre crashing the price of oil. Or wed be covering how u. S. Soccer has claimed the reason they think men should get paid more than women is because fans at the mens games are really mean. laughter its a real thing. Or we would even be covering how apple says they might be launching a feature that allows to you delete imessages after youve sent them. Yeah, my only question is why didnt they come up with this before my divorce . laughter but really, none of those news stories are what anybody is focusing on, because all everybody is talking about is the coronavirus pandemic a. K. A. , covid19. I feel like thats how you know this thing has gotten serious, because now weve switched to using the governments virus name. Covid19, get your ass down here. Explain why youre infecting the world. Your name is covid, boy. I created your virus ass, and im not afraid to be the vaccine. applause anyway, the past 24 hours has been one of the biggest corona news cycles we have been a part of yet. And part of that was because it went from a disease affecting anonymous people to affecting the worlds most famous face. Stunning announcement hollywood legend tom hanks and his wife, rita wilson, revealing they have the coronavirus, testing positive in australia, the couple now in isolation. We felt a bit tired, like we had colds and some body aches. Rita had some chills that came and went, slight fevers, too. Not much more to it than a onedayatatime approach, no . Trevor yes, ladies and gentlemen, corona got to tom hanks. And this mans already been through so much. I mean, think about it. After the war hes been through and that time his plane crashed. laughter and he already had to deal with his dog dying. I feel bad for him. laughter i mean, at the same time, he shouldnt have been letting everyone touch his chocolates. Thats probably how he got it. laughter but, regardless, he has announced that him and his wife, rita wilson, are going to be in isolation. And, luckily, hes used to being stuck alone with wilson, so hell be fine. laughter yeah, you thought the movie jokes were done, and then i came back with another one. applause you know, just just, by the way, this is a weird story. A funny thing happened to me yesterday. When i saw tom hanks and rita wilson trending, i was so devastated, because i thought after 31 years together they were getting divorced. And i was like, oh, no and then i clicked on the news. And i was like, oh, thank god, theyre getting corona. I mean, not thank god, but thank god. laughter honestly, i cant believe that tom hanks is the first celebrity to get the virus. I would have expected someone ridiculous like flavor flav or charlie sheen. Or sarah pale but tom hanks. This is insane. This is like finding out mr. Rogers has chlamydia. Yeah, it would be like, i didnt even think he had genitals. laughter its almost like coronavirus chose tom hanks just to send a message to the rest of us, you know, like prison rules, just like, if i can get hanks, i can get to anyone. laughter so the biggest star in hollywood just tested positive for coronavirus. And, luckily, hes saying hes feeling good. You know, hes obviously sick, but hes feeling good, and hes going to be quarantined until he fully recovers. But coronavirus isnt just sweeping the entertainment world. It turns out its going after everything. The n. B. A. Made the stunning decision to suspend the season indefinitely because of the coronavirus. The n. C. A. A. Just canceled the march madness tournament. The m. L. S. , the n. H. L. , they suspended their season. Disneyland in california will be closing starting on saturday. Broadway shows will now close, and so will the met opera and the met museum of art. Trevor yes, my friends, life as we know it has been canceled. Now were all just go to have to go home and die of corona. Or, even worse, spend time with our families. laughter were not going to die. Please, im joking. But it is big news, right. Parades are canceled, movies are delayed, broadway is dark. The n. B. A. Has suspended its season indefinitely, which is devastating news for those teams. They wont be playing basketball. Its devastating except for the knicks. They havent played basketball in 20 years. laughter but but i will say, i do agree with shutting down disneyland. I mean, its a breeding ground for disease. Think about it. There are rats everywhere hugging people. Its disgusting. laughter and the big one, one of the big ones is new york cancelling the st. Patricks day parade for the first time in 250 years. Yeah, thats a big deal. And i get it. I get it. New york city doesnt want people sick and vomiting in the streets and then getting corona afterwards. They dont want that. laughter so thats how the coronavirus has been affecting the u. S. But, remember, this is a global disease thats affecting everyone. And one of the craziest unexpected side effectes of corona is probably in this video that came out of thailand. This is a video from thailand, and that is hundreds of monkeys that are hungry. These monkeys are used to having tourists feed them bananas, but thailand has seen a massive drop in tourism because of the coronavirus, and so these monkeys are just invading cities. Locals said they looked like wild dogs attacking each other whenever one of them got a single banana. Trevor holy shit laughter there are no tourists to feed the monkeys in thailand, and so they are just absolutely wreaking havoc, which is crazy. Because imagine if you are the one tourist left in thailand right now. laughter yeah, youre just like, time for my breakfast banana. And the monkeys swarm over, and its just you and your skeleton left behind. laughter because i dont know about you, but rabid monkeys are the most terrifying aninal my book. No, because, like, i know a lot of animals can attack you, but monkeys for some reason, they just seem so much better equipped, you know. They can open doors. They can handle tools. You know, they can pick up things with their feet. Theyre the only animal that can do sign language. So they can even tell you what theyre doing. Im going to kill you. laughter applause like, the only person who doesnt need to be afraid of rabid monkeys is mitch mcconnell. Yeah, because if they try and rip his face off, hell just be like, jokes on you. I have tons to spare. Meh. Meh. laughter i mean, its really insane. Youve got corona shutting down the planet. And then now a crazy monkey invasion on top of it. Its like were living in two different disaster movies at once. laughter somewhere out there in space, theres an asteroid headed to us like, im going to come back later. You guys, yeah. It feels like theres a lot going on. All right, thats it for the headlines. Lets move on to our top story. cheers and applause lets talk about a different threat to humanity that also has no cure donald trump. laughter with the world on edge, people are looking to their leaders for reassurance and answers. Unfortunately, we have him. So last night, the president held an emergency live address from the oval office to calm the nation down and to find someone else to blame. Breaking news tipping point. President trump addresses the nation on the coronavirus pandemic, using just his second Oval Office Speech to announce the u. S. Will suspend most travel from europe. The European Union failed to take the same precautions and restrict travel from china and other hot spots. As a result, a large number of new clusters in the United States were seeded by travelers from europe. This is the most aggressive and comprehensive effort to confront a foreign virus in modern history. Trevor okay, first of all, it isnt a foreign virus. Its just a virus, okay. Trump makes it sound like corona doesnt speak english. laughter and and and, also, we can blame europe for many things colonialism, skinny jeans, piers morgan but this virus is worldwide, all right. It was going to get here no matter what europe did. Honestly, its beginning to look like shutting down borders is just trumps goto solution for everything. This is all he thinks about. Problem shut the border. Problem shut the border. Does he do this in his personal life, too . Is melania just like, i dont love you anymore, donald. And hes like, close the borders. No one is getting in or out of this marriage. laughter now, Donald Trumps president ial address turned out to be as calming as a pack of fireworks dropped into a bag of cocaine, because not only did he surprise everyone with this announcement, but it turns out he almost got everything wrong. President trump ramping up his response to the coronavirus outbreak, but instead of reassuring the public, he caused more confusion than calm, like this statement we will be suspending all travel from europe to the United States for the next 30 days. The department of Homeland Security quickly clarifying, assuring the travel restrictions will not apply to u. S. Citizens, permanent residents, and some of their family members. The ban, instead, would only apply to foreign nationals. Trump caused more uncertainty when he said the restriction would apply to trade. And these prohibitions will not only apply to the tremendous amount of trade and cargo, but various other things. But trump took to twitter to clear up that statement, writing, it is very important for all countries and businesses to know that trade will in no way be affected by the 30day restriction on travel from europe. The restriction stops people, not goods. President trump further jumbled the message when he addressed the Health Care Costs associated with coronavirus. Earlier this week, i met with the leaders of Health Insurance industry who have agreed to waive all copayments for coronavirus treatments. A white house official later corrected the notion, saying copayments would be waived only for coronavirus tests, not for treatments of the disease. laughter trevor im im sorry, but this is this is unbelievable. Like, i would i would understand if trump made mistakes, right, if this whole thing was off the cuff. But how is it possible to get so many things wrong in a prewritten speech . laughter this is crazy watching an oval address shouldnt be a game of two truths and a lie. laughter applause hes just up there like, the coronavirus is very dangerous. We need to be vigilant, and my babysitter growing up was kareem abdul jabar. laughter god bless america. And this misinformation that the president spread, it caused actual chaos, all right. The european travel ban doesnt include american citizens, but thats not what trump said in his speech. So americans who are on vacation in europe rushed to the airport in a panic to fly home before the ban took effect. Yeah, there were even reports of people shelling out thousands of dollars for a lastminute ticket because they were panicking, yeah. And then the ones who couldnt get them, they just hung off the airplane like one of those trains in india. laughter trump caused so much confusion, that even the coronavirus was probably like, okay, wait, can i fly to america or not . Like, im just going to call delta. I dont know whats going on here. laughter applause so just to be clear americans americans can fly home from europe. Which, if you think about it, means they could bring corona back. Yeah. Its not a failsafe. Because americans always bring Something Back with them whenever they come from europe. Yeah, its a thing they do, whether its a disease or a dumb new way to say cruhsahnt. Its a croissant, okay. Youre from philly. Calm down. laughter and another thing, another thing that doesnt make sense is that although trump banned travel from europe, he didnt ban flights from ireland and the u. K. And when trump was asked about that today, he gave one of the strangest explanations of all time. And one of the reasons u. K. , basically, has been its got the border. Its got very strong borders. And theyre theyre doing a very good job. They dont have very much infection at this point, and hopefully, theyll keep it that way. Trevor im sorry, what . laughter the u. K. Is fine because its got the border . laughter other countries in europe also have the border. Unless maybe does he mean the water . laughter is that it . What, does trump think the coronavirus doesnt know how to swim . Because thats racist. laughter and also, also, like, i cant believe im saying its not true. The u. K. And ireland have more corona cases than many of the countries on that list that is banned. So lets just be real. The reason the u. K. And ireland are exempt is probably because trump owns golf courses there, yeah. Thats what i think. You know, if iran thought about it, they would just put a trump golf course in tehran. Theyd have a nuclear deal tomorrow. Trump would just be like, now youre enriching me and uranium. Its a winwin. Winwin. applause so, look, im not going to sugar coat it President Trumps Oval Office Address last night, it was an absolute disaster. But there was a silver lining. Because, you see, for some strange reason, the cameras were recording trump before he gave his address, all right. But he didnt realize it was rolling. And so today, we got to see the real trump when hes not acting president ial. And, honestly, this was pure comedy gold. You want to do this for me, alex, please . Whats our time . Two minutes, 20 seconds. Do you like the book being on the desk or not . laughter would you rather have it not be . Maybe it looks better, gives you something up here, right . Does it matter . laughter what . Oh, bleep . laughter uhoh. I got a pen mark. Anybody have any white do you have any white stuff . laughter applause trevor oh, bleep does anyone have any white stuff . laughter first of all, his name is mike pence, okay, mr. President . laughter applause but can i just say i can safely say, this is the first time in my life that ive seen the deleted scenes of a president ial address. Like, americas downfall might be scary, but you gotta admit the bloopers are hilarious. And it was it was really weird hearing a president in the Oval Office Say oh, bleep . laughter although, i guess now we know what it sounds like whenever he gets a call from eric. Aaahh. Now, im going to go out on a limb and say donald trump is as freaked out by coronavirus as regular citizens, which is wild because hes the president. And the reason i say that is because it turns out the cameras carried on rolling after trump ended his speech, and his reaction was priceless. God bless you, and god bless america. Thank you. Were clear. Okayyy. laughter . Trevor yeah. applause that is not the sound you want to hear from a president after a serious address. F. D. R. Didnt reassure the nation by saying, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Okayyy, daddy needs a margarita. Can i get a margarita . I need a drink. Oh, theyre still here . So look, this is all to say that despite the efforts of sports leagues, amusement parks, state and local governments, unfortunately, the man at the top just does not seem to have his shit together. And with coronavirus now in full pandemic mode, all i have to say to that is oh, bleep . Well be right back. cheers and applause leaders are afraid to say the thing. Because it seems callous, but we dont want to say the honest thing in society and that is fyoure going to die youre going to die. No, because i think it is important death is like a thing that terrifies many of us, right. But if you have perspective in and around so many things you start trying for instance, coronavirus has claimed 5,000 lives across the globe, 5,000 people across the planet right now. Yes, the number increases, but 5,000 people across the planet. Every day in the United States, there are approximately 3,000 deaths on the road, every day in the United States. 3,000 a day, 5,000 across the globe in the month that weve had this like, theres some perspective and we live with that. We drive. We go because weve gone like, weve established a certain acceptable level of risk for what were going to do. So im not saying we must be ignorant of all exprisk you dont want the virus to spread to those most vulnerable. But it would be good to have a leader who can put things in perspective. The problem with trump is hes more worried about how it affects the perception of him versus what hes doing this is when you realize how important good leadership is. You know what im saying . A good leader would set expectations for a nation and put you in a good place. The way i always think of it is like a pilot. Like, for me, the best pilots are the ones who come on and tell you, hey, its going to be bumpy. laughter i love those because i get terrified when i fly. I love when the pilot goes, hey, everybody, its going to be really bumpy. So well be suspending service. There wont be meals served for a while. But ill try to get to the right altitude and hopefully it will smooth out and ill let you guy knows when its safe to stand up. And when the bumps start, youre like, this is the shit he was telling us about here it comes about the ought least youre in okay, okayue get what im saying. Theres nothing worse when you fly and the pilot comes on, nothing to worry about folks. And its like, shit is shaking right now the seat belt sign is on. And the pilot is like, no, no, theres nothing wrong. Something is wrong. The Flight Attendant is falling. She hit the floor and now shes on the ceiling. Theres nothing wrong. Ladies and gentlemen, take your seats, please, were fine were find, ladies and no, were not fine but if you tell us ahead of time, we get ready for it, we buckle our seat belts, everybody rides it out and we get on to [sfx ding] i dont know about you but i got to get it out i dont know how soon [sfx chime] how much . Cinco pesos vale. Oh ok, thanks. [sfx ding] but if we die, i want to bring the whole thing too ooooooh just another world that i gotta get a grip of and hold onto [sfx chime] thanks. Ooooooh [sfx chime] [sfx ding] [sfx chime] [sfx ding] extra life. Extra power. Extra life. Extra power. Extra life. Power. Life. Power. Extra life. No need to argue. Vs. Coppertop,. Duracell optimum delivers extra life in some devices or extra power in others. Duracell optimum delivers extra life mom vo we got a subaru to give him some ato reconnect and be together. And once we did that, we realized his greatest adventure is just beginning. vo welcome to the most adventurous outback ever. The allnew subaru outback. Go where love takes you. S cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show. You might have heard to do our part, the daily show is not going to have a live studio audience started on monday. You guys are the heart and soul of the show. But before you go i wanted to dedicate a Little Something to you and all those audience members who joined us here before. Here in new york who help us make every episode of the the daily show. This one goes out to you. Eeeeh. I never know what theyre doing when they do that but i think it looks and feels professionals. Bllllllllll bllllllllll all right, all right. Five, six, seven, eight. Is it still a joke if no one laughs at it . Am i still a host if im just standing in an empty room . Audience, this is for you. Time for social distancing pack your things and go just know that ill be waiting for you to come back to the show to the ones who stood and the ones who clapped ill even give a shoutout to the haters who sat there and never laughed its the ones who cheered and the people who love to wave ill even miss those ones who seemed tow get all the jokes too late. laughter you know, im even going to miss those people who forgot to turn off their phones during the show and messed me up and spoiled jokes. But, you know, i liked hearing the ring tones. They were so retro. Im going to miss those guys who love to explain the show. Its funny because trump is dumb the people with the weirdest laughs are the ones ill miss the most weird laughing the guy who came to kill me, but then i won him over with my jokes the fans who came from africa and just wanted to hear about home. Tell them about uganda trevor no one knows about ugawnd, man. But im going to miss you. Its time for quarantine, you all. I cant wait until this is over and the virus is beat and all your asses are back in those seats. I love you guys. cheers and applause thank you. Thank you so much, thank you. It all starts with an invitation. To feel connected. The invitation to lexus sales event now through march 31st. Lease the 2020 es350 for 379 a month for 36 months and well make your first months payment. Experience amazing at your lexus dealer. I opened a sofi money account and it was the first time that i realized i could be earning interest back on my money. I just discovered sofi, and im an investor with a diversified portfolio. Who am i . i refinanced with sofi and i was able to cut my Interest Rate by forty percent. Thank you sofi. Johnsbut were also a cancer fighting, hiv controlling, joint replacing, and depression relieving company. From the day youre born we never stop taking care of you. Just get one of me looking off. How is she there and were here . Condoms. True. 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But most important, i know if she looked good, we all look good. Right about that