What a way to start the week. Lets do it. Take a seat. Im trevor noah. Our guest tonight is an actor and comedian here to talk about his new broadway play, David Alan Grier is joining us, everybody cheers and applause so excited also on tonights show, the royal family is royally screwed. Cory booker joins the race for Vice President , and donald trump cant remember why he started a war. So lets catch up on todays headlines. Lets kick it off with the academy awards. The biggest night of the year for actors and red carpet salesmen. laughter today the academy announced this years nominations and as always it was who got left out thats got everyone talking. This years Oscar Nominations were announced this morning. Big surprises and big snubs as well. Joker taking the lead with 11 nominations. No women nominated in the directors category, greta gerwig snubbed this good morning for little women. The irishmen martin score seesy, 1917 sam menendez, parasite bong joonho. Congratulations to those men. Trevor wow, you know youre in trouble when someone can throw shade by congratulating you. I get why she said that. Those arent just four male directors, those are all very male movies. Like if you take out parasite, women probably have ten minutes of dialogue in all the other films combined. Theres no reason women shouldnt have bigger roles in these movies except 1917 because women werent invented till the 30s. laughter thats fact. Wheres little women . Personally i love the movie and oscar voters love the movie. Nominated for best picture, best screen play, two acting nominations but somehow greta gerwig was not nominated. What an amazing movie, did you know it directed itself . Incredible laughter im glad one black woman was nominated for best actress, cynthia. applause thats exciting. Though predictable it was for playing a slave. Yeah. Im not saying she didnt deserve it but just imagine if every white actor who was nominated got it for playing supervisor at whole foods. Black people, youre more than just that you know what was the biggest snub for me . Film editing. How are you not going to nominate the guy who edit the Jeffrey Epstein security tapes . How . laughter speaking of snubs, the Democratic Party has been criticized for the debate stage being as white as oscars. Todays news is not going to help. Breaking news on the 2020 race, senator cory booker is out. The senator making that announcement online just moments ago. Today, its suspending my campaign for president with the same spirit with which it began, campaigning over this last year has been one of the most meaningful experiences of my life. Trevor thats right. Cory booker has announced that he is officially quitting the democratic president ial race. And look, you can quit however you want, but i do think its weird that his quitting video doesnt look like hes quitting. laughter hes out there with crowds shaking hands. laughter and everyone does this. My opinion is if youre going to drop out to have the race, your video should look like you dropped out of the race. It should just be you sitting alone on a park bench, cleaning out your desk, i want it to look depressing laughter but, yeah, whatever happens in november, america will not be electing a black president. And, you know, obama must be secretly happy about this. Yeah. Hes probably in Marthas Vineyard like, ah, thats right, ah, first and last bitches cheers and applause and you have to admit, between the oscars and this, this is definitely not a great week for liberals in america. Democrats in hollywood always talking about how important diversity is, but theyre the ones who always seem to end up celebrating a bunch of white people. This is finding out how Greta Thunberg is in a race car hunting. Youre doing the thing youre telling other people not to do. Nature news, while democrats may be worried about having fewer and fewer candidates to choose from, for the ga galapagos tore choses, numbers issued they wont have to worry about for a while. A giant tourist credited for saving a species is being returned to its home in a while. Diego a giant tore us the is called a playboy because he spent 40 years helping to populate his species. When he started he was one of two males and 12 females left on the island. Now noorn 2,000. Well done, diego. 40 of those are related to him. Now hes headed to his navy island in march to retire because hes exhausted cheers and applause trevor thank you for your service, diyag o. This is an amazing story. This hero turtle turned the population of less than 20 tortoises into 2,000 just look at him in the water there, cooling his balls off you earned it, buddy laughter and let this be a lesson to kids out there. If someone tells you to go out and practice safe sex, you tell him, no, i want to be like diego the ~bleep turtle laughter applause no, im joking. Safe sex, safe sex. Im joking. Come on. Ive got to be honest, you know when i first heard this story, diego reminded me of the uncles in the hood you heard about. You heard how many kids diego got . 2,000 for real . For real i heard he rabb away to an island to avoid Child Support laughter i love how diego is the hero of the story and not the females who actually gave birth to 2,000 babies whos running this, the oscar voters . applause jokes aside, diego did help repopulate the species but he was opportunity only turtle responsible for fathering the 2,000 kids. Another turtle helped diyag yago out and he retired to the senate. audience reacts thatseth for the headlines. Lets move on to the top story. applause the British Royal family, and like the kardashians with an occasional beheading. audience reacts now the royal family has had plenty scandals in their time but right now theyre going through an unprecedented crisis. Last week prince harry and Meghan Markel announced theyre not going on the family fun plan anymore. The queen called an emergency summit. We mentioned a couple of seconds ago the drama surrounding the royals, the queen holding a crisis summit with her family in the wake of prince harry and Meghan Markels decision to step back from their role. Harry and dad charles and brother william were there and Meghan Markel reportedly called in from canada. Trevor yes, the queen summoned everyone to a private meeting at her Royal Country house, and everyone attended except Meghan Markel who conference called in. I will be honest, i dont blame megan for not going because nothing good happens when white people invite you to the countryside, all right . laughter applause we all know. Weve all seen it. Weve all seen get out, we all know how this shit ends laughter and, by the way, how gangster is it that the queen is 93 years old and still driving herself . Huh . That is so dope. 93 years old, shes in a range rover like a hop hot video from the 90s. You can throw some biggie under that clip and this it wouldnt look out of place. hiphop playing applause trevor anyway, the big question everyones asking right now is why . Why would harry and meghan want out of a life that so many people dream of having . I mean, think about it we kiss frogs to try to become royalty. Huh . The only thing ive ever gotten is frog herpes. But for harry and meghan, in particular, the reality of being a royal couple has been far from a fairytale. Just a few months into their relationship, british tabloids descended on them with racially charged headlines and commentary like this one from the daily mail who said harrys girl is almost straight out of compton. A deejay fired about a controversial tweet about the royal baby, danny baker showed a Couple Holding hands with chimpanzee and the caption is royal baby leaves hospital. A blackamore broach. The jewelry is weedily racist for its depiction of black people. Trevor wow, wearing ablockamore broach to meet megans family . Thats next level. I wonder if she has a cabinet oaf racist broaches for different occasions. Jeeves, im off to kree ia fetch me my dog in a frying pan, please, were going all the way laughter this shows you some what meghan was up against. To her critic, meghan was everything people didnt want in the royal family, shes black, from the middle class, a divoree divorce. The british tabloid press has been the biggest critic. Look at a few of the stories. It went viral this weekend, how they covered meghan in comparison to kate middleton. When kate was pregnant the daily mail said pregnant kate tenderly cradles her baby bump. When meghan did the same thing, its why cant Meghan Markel keep her hands off her bump, is it pride vanity acting . When kate was pregnant, the express said she was eating avocados for her morning sickness cure. And meghans beloved avocados were linked to human rights abuse and drought. Prince andrew having sleepovers at Jeffrey Epsteins house and the express is Meghan Markel ordered guacamole so its completely understandable harry and meghan would want to step away from all the hate in the u. K. But now everyone is wondering what theyll do to support themselves without any of the royal cash. Good news, meghans already got herself a job. Meghan, the duchess of sussex is working on a deal to record a voiceover for disney. They met at the london premiere of line king whether in july where harry appeared to discuss possible future projects. Trevor okay, wait. Prince harry really did that . At a movie premiere last year he asked the c. E. O. Of disney to hook his wife up with voiceovers. Dont get me wrong, on the one hand, husband goals. On the other hand, you admit the monarchy has fallen off. Back in the day its like if you marry my daughter ill give you burgundy. And its now my wife coz a good timone. Come on, baby, do the thing laughter when you see the worlds most powerful people talking, we always assume theyre talking about important things like Climate Change or world peace or the next illuminati orgy but it turns out theyre all hustling. Did i mention i started selling fudge . Its bill gates fudge. Com meghan and harry are on their way to a new life, the press is losing one of their favorite targets, and the queen is so angry about it shes about to go do drivebys. Well be right back. cheers and applause lisa its good to be transparent. At h r block, you know the price before you begin. It makes things. [thud]. Crystal clear. lisa vo upfront transparent pricing. lisa sorry trevor. lisa vo know the price before you begin. Its better with block. I wrote this a long time ago. I dont know how old i was. I hope someday i will be on a real football team. Im katie sowers, offensive assistant coach for the San Francisco 49ers. Im not just here to be the token female, im here to help us win. The surface pro helps me get whats in my head and get it out on to the field. I would want to tell this little girl to keep pushing herself, your dreams coming. burke weve seen almost everything, so we know how to cover almost anything. Even a gold medal grizzly. sports announcer what an unlikely field in this final heat. Hang on. Youre about to see history in the making. burke not exactly a skinny dipper, but we covered it. At farmers, we know a thing or two because weve seen a thing or two. We are farmers. Bumpadum, bumbumbumbum vo visit farmersdotcom and get a quote today. Oh, your shes landed. Ed. And shes on her way to our house. What. I thought she was coming next weekend. I got it. Alexa. Start the coffee. Set the temperature to 72. Start roomba. We got this. Dont look. What . Dont look. Lets move. Mom. The lexus es, eagerly prepared for the unexpected. Lease the 2020 es 350 for 389 a month for 36 months. Experience amazing at your lexus dealer. A whole pound of tasty food. But how . Its a famous pour of this, and some famous bits of that, and my famous chicken on top all that stuff, and more gravy. Kfc famous bowls, a whole pound of Delicious Food for only three bucks trevor welcome back to the daily show. Last week, the United States and iran narrowly avoided world war iii. I was so relieved i celebrated by kissing a stranger in times square. I didnt get his name, i just know he was very ticklish. laughter how are both countries dealing with the aftermath of the soleimani assassination . Lets find out in our ongoing segment war in the middle east this time its persianle. applause right now, irans Supreme Leader and americas supreme tweeter are both coming under fire for lying to their people. So lets start with iran. After three days of denials, the government of iran has admitted that, when they launched missiles at american targets in iraq, they also accidentally shot down a passenger plane and, now, the people of iran are demanding accountability. Tensions flared in tehran as antigovernment demonstrators protested the regimes stunning admission that it mistakenly shot down a ukrainian jetliner. It all started with a candlelight vigil but quickly morphed into crowds chanting the revolutionary guards are dictators and the the enemy is not america, its within. At least one person attacking a poster of qasem soleimani, also people heard cheering as a poster of soleimani was burned. Trevor the streets overreturn by protesters furious at their own government. Theyre angry and the guy is losing the fight against the poster. Its not just them. Everyones mad. Canada, america, ukraine is mad. Everyone is upset that iran shot down that plane, except for boeing because theyre, like, yes, this plane crash wasnt our fault, that wasnt us laughter so this weekend saw three days of public demonstration against the regime in iran and last night President Trump decided to fan those flames of protest. President trump offering support to the iranian people tweeting in farsi and in english, my administration will continue to stand with you, and later sending a tweet aimed at the leaders in iran. Do not kill your protesters, the world is watching. More importantly, the u. S. A. Is watching. Trevor thats right, folks. Donald j. Trump is sending tweets in farsi. laughter welcome to 2020. laughter and i got to say, i got to say, its ballsy for trump to tweet in a second language when he hasnt even mastered his first. cheers and applause applause i also like to imagine that trump dictated that farsi tweet the way he does his english ones. I just like the idea he was there and is like speaking in Foreign Language cheers and applause oh and, by the way, lets be honest, can you imagine if obama ever tweeted in farsi . Can you imagine . Fox news would have exploded laughter Tucker Carlson would have scwintd so hard his face would collapse into itself like a black hole laughter but while trump is stoking unrest in iran, back home hes facing challenges of his own because his story about why he killed soleimani isnt adding up. The president still insisting the killing of soleimani stopped imminent threats including attacks at u. S. Embassies in the region, the president making the case on fox news. Did he have large scale attacks planned for other embassies, wouldnt that help in your case. I can reveal it could have been four embassies, military bases and lot of other things, too, but it was imminent then, all of a sudden, he was gone. Trevor wait, you can reveal that you believe . No ones asking for your personal belief. This is war, not what color you thought the dress was. laughter and, also, what does trump mean it could have been embassies or bases or a lot of other things, too . Because either trump is making this up or soleimani was the most indecisive enemy meshs ever had. He was just riding around, lte us attack an embassy, no, no, a military base. What about that mcdonalds. Yes lets destroy the milkshake machine. Sir, its already broken. Splent, theyll never know so besides trump, besides trump, no one believes that soleimani was planning an imminent attack on everything and, because they dont trust him, the house passed a resolution limiting trumps war powers, and even three republicans signed on tot it and, really, no one knows where trump is getting his information, including his very own defense secretary. Defense secretary mark esper acknowledged sunday he saw no specific threat against four u. S. Embassies by qasem soleimani, contradicting President Trump. I didnt see one with regard to four embassies. He didnt cite a specific piece of evidence. What the president said what he believed it probably could have been attacks against additional embassies. Trevor i feel so bad for the defense secretary, hes trying to tell the truth while also defending trumps lie. This is why you should never go into a lie at donald trump because at some point hes going to rift the lie out of control and leave you in the lumpch. If you worked together, you would be, like, donald, im sneaking out for coffee, tell them i have an important call. Then ten minutes later, trump will be giving you a funeral, rest in peace, mark, his fight with butt cancer inspired us all laughter but i guess thats the great thing about america you can believe whatever you want, the intelligence doesnt point to imminent attacks but trump can reveal he believes there were four imminent attacks, and i can reveal i believe hes full of shit. Well be right back. cheers and applause chilis 3 for 10 steak, cooked how you like its tender and juicy and aged to perfection that may sound fancy, but its chilis fancy so come as you are and just bring 10 bucks 3 for 10 now with steak baby steak baby steak mmmhmmm together we chilis, oh yeah baby yeah mom vo we got a subaru to give him some ato reconnect and be together. And once we did that, we realized his greatest adventure is just beginning. vo welcome to the most adventurous outback ever. The allnew subaru outback. Go where love takes you. Whoh no, that looks grossit. What is that . You gotta try it, its terrible. I dont wanna tray it if its terrible. Its like mango chutney and burnt hair. No thank you, i have a very sensitive palate. Just try it hey guys, i think we should hurry up. If you taste something bad, you want someone else to try it. Its what you do. I cant get it out of my mouth if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. Its what you do. Dog, dog, dog. Do you love reeses pieces . Well have we got a deal for you. Were making reeses with pieces. Sorta like a buy one get one free inside the thing you just got. Not sorry. Reeses. Have you ever been a nanny . [ laughing ] how hard can it be . Does miles get in trouble a lot . Like id tell. Miles was such a sweet boy. I know what youre afraid of. The miles i meet is not a sweet boy. [ screaming ] bad dreams . Sorry if i scared you. [ screaming ] cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight is a tony and grammy awardnominated actor and comedian who stars in the broadway production of a soldiers play. Please welcome David Alan Grier. cheers and applause whoo nice. Trevor welcome to the show. Whats going on, man . Trevor this is one of my favorite moments in life. Oooh trevor having you on the show. You know why because i grew up watching you and your cast on in living color as one of the funniest group of human beings ever assembled. cheers and applause you know, thats not a compliment because you said i was a little baby. Trevor i didnt say that. I was a child. Trevor i said i grew up i was a toddler, watching you, a middle to late middle aged negro at the end of your career still peddling those stereotypic jokes laughter trevor i did not say that. I changed it a little. Trevor just a little bit, editorial. Congratulations. This year will be the third anniversary of in living color. cheers and applause which, for many people reshaped the ideas of what sketch comedy could be, how a joke could be told. Some people feel it was almost like a moment of protest, but did you ever see it like that . Did you ever see in living color as a political statement . At the time, we didnt, but, you know, the moment we were going through it, it was very much about the stuff that we as people of color, black people, would laugh about amongst ourselves,. Trevor right. We were able to put it on tv. So it became political. Trevor i genuinely didnt know until a few years ago how powerful your opinio you were ac actor as well. I tried to be. Trevor i dont think you tried to be, i think you succeeded in doing that. This broadway play is about a story that takes place in 1944 about black soldiers on a base. Yes. Trevor dealing with the dichotomy of fighting for their country that oppresses them as secondclass citizens. Yeah, and theres very much this belief that was there historically, that was there with their characters, that, by letting us black men fight and die for our country, then maybe this country will view us as whole human beings and whole citizens. So theres a lot of that talk. This will change everything, you know, just our participation in this war. Trevor right. Are you ever shocked or disappointed in any way to think that a story that was written and created in the 80s could be april pertinent to life in America Today . Yeah. I mean, there is a sadness there. Im weary. I am tired of talking about the same racial issues, the same incidents of inequality. Its wearying, but this is where were at. Weve come some way as a society, but we have a lot more work to do. Trevor well, its going to be exciting to see you in this a soldiers play ago third character this time. The play runs until march. Thank you so much for being on the show. A true honor. Absolutely cheers and applause trevor a soldiers play, currently in previews, opens january 21st at the American Airlines theater on broadway. Make sure you go and see it. David alan grier, everybody. Well be right back cheers and applause 12. 99 all you can eat now with boneless wings. Only at applebees. As of 12pm today, i am debt free cheers and applause trevor all right, well thats our show for tonight. Dont forget, tomorrow, the daily show is going live after the democratic primary debate. Were going to be live so make sure you tune in. Quick question whats the number one problem facing america . Thats right, not enough podcasts. laughter well, good news, we Just Launched the daily show podcast universe, a new fiveepisode miniseries that parodies some of your favorite podcasts that feature me, the correspondents on the show and special guests that are original, and best of all super short. To listen, search for the daily show podcast universe on aping, spotify and anywhere else you listen to podcasts now, here it is. Your moment of zen. I have the best dad jokes in the world. Why did tigger and eeyore have their heads in the toilet . Because they were looking for pooh. What happened when a cat did a gymnastics routine . It was purrfect. Lets not flounder lets get out there and kick some ass tell me about the dad jokes. Cory is one letter off from corny, maybe thats the case. Im going down to south park gonna have myself a time both Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation im going down to south park gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting howdy neighbor