Let me out of here. What the [bleep] is that . Paris, you must find your way out of this place, or you will surely die. What . Make your way to small intestine. There you will meet the sparrow prince who can guide you to catatafish. Now go paris hilton, make haste. A great adventure is waiting for you ahead hurry onward paris hilton or you will soon be dead the road ahead is full of danger and fright but push onward paris hilton with all of your might paris hilton paris hilton, paris hilton paris hilton a. From comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. cheers and applause trevor welcome to the daily show, everybody. Thank you so much for tuning in. As always, thank you for coming out thank you so much for coming out in the rain in the rain lets do it, people. Lets make a show. Im trevor noah. Our guest tonight is an actor who can be seen in a liddle indie film called star wars th star wars the rise of skywalker womenwomekelly marie tran is jo, everybody cheers and applause lizzo is the new star of the lakers, the democrats are doing damage control and donald trump has a lovehate relationship with his toilet. Lets catch up on todays headlines. Lets kick it off with some education news. Elementary school, its that special time in your life when you find out if youre a bully or if you can fit into a locker. But, now, the state of new jersey is worried schools have stopped teaching the important stuff. Learning cursive may soon be making a return to schools in new jersey. Yeah. A state lawmaker has introduced a bill requiring Elementary School students to learn to read and write in script by the end of the third grade. Many schools stopped mandating cursive in 2019. If passed, cursive would be required by the next full school year. Trevor okay, im sorry, what lawmakers in new jersey are pushing for schools to start teaching cursive again . While theyre at it, why not teach the kids to drive wagons and churn their own butter for lunch . Have kids in the cafeteria like, hacker, i am famished from a days journey hunting the pokemon. Have thousand a tide pod for me . laughter it looks stupid, a capital g looks like a drunkass music note. What are you . laughter one new jersey lawmaker says kids need to rein cursive because thats how they wrote the constitution. What does that mean . You dont need to learn cursive to read the constitution. Not Everyone Needs to know cursive. They might have a job like accountant or president of the united states. horn blowing cheering applause heres the thing, and this happens every generation, right, this always happens, young people adapt to new technology and old people want everyone to learn how they learned. I wouldnt be shock if, in 50 years, we will be complaining about our grands kids i hate how kids dont text with their thumbs anymore phones just scan your texts now. In my day, from your brain, you could dont that, you had to look down at your phone like a real person and walk into things head first, thats how we kept our brains hard laughter lets move on to the world of art. People are searching for new ways to express the human condition and also to find cool ways to take peoples money. And this next exhibit from art basel in miami may be the greatest scam of all time. Two inexpensive everyday items are now passing for pricey works of art. A banana, duct taped to a wall is selling for 150,000 at a miami art festival. The piece is titled comedian. Two earlier editions have already sold for 120,000 each. laughter trevor i honestly dont know what to think about this because, on the one hand, i guess this banana is a comment on how all art is temporary and eventually everything withers and dies, but on the other hand its a ~bleep banana taped to the wall because, honestly, i dont about a banana as art. All i know is i want art with a long shelf life. Can you imagine if you bought Michelangelos David and the next day it turns all brown and moshy . laughter whats also crazy is the artist sold three of those bananas for over 100,000 each. I feel bad for the guy at the Grocery Store selling him those bananas. laughter think about it, the first time the artist comes in and buys one, 50 cents, the second time, 50 cents. Then the guy sees it on twitter. Next time he comes in, can i get a banana . Yeah, 20,000. Im also an artist laughter moving on from banana also to a man who never ate fruit in his life, president trump. While embroiled in impeachment and foreign scandals, nice to see the commanderinchief will take time out of these important issues to deal with stuff like this. We have a situation where were looking very strongly at sinks and showers and other elements, the bathrooms, where you turn the faucet on in areas where there are tremendous amounts of water, where the water rushes out to sea because you could never handle it and you dont get any water, you turn on the faucet and you dont get any water. They take a shower and water comes dripping out, just dripping out, very quietly dripping out. People are flushing toilets ten times, 15 times, as opposed to once. They end up using more water. So e. P. A. Is looking at that very strongly, at my suggestion laughter trevor okay, is it just me or does it seem like someone took a dump in the oval office that didnt flush and now theyre trying to blame it on americas Water Systems . laughter just feels like that. Mike, the e. P. A. Clogged the toilet again laughter and, also, can we acknowledge that of all the president s, trump has the most unpredictable schedule of all time. Think about a day in the life of one of his aides in the oval office. Just, like, okay, sir, at 9 00 a. M. We will discuss afghanistan, 10 00 impeachment and at 12 00 you will be discussing a clogged toilette . Trump is, like, cans everything after toilets, i have a lot of opinions. By the way, did you see what eric did in the oval office . laughter if im completely honest, right, whether you like trump or not, you have to admit this is an issue where we can agree with. I can say for a fact that america has a lot of low selfesteem toilets that dont flush with conviction. Ive experienced this a lot in this country, i wont lie. You go to flush and the toilet is like,aaaaaaaa and you say, flush im trying laughter weve all had the moment where it doesnt flush, and then when youre at someones house. You fill up the tank again and hope they dont notice how long you have been gone. The worst is where youre flushing and the turd is swirling around the bowl like i aint going nowhere i aint going nowhere laughter if trump can solve that problem, hes getting four more years, thats all im saying. laughter thats a big problem. Its also crazy how trump had so much more emotion talking about toilets than most tragedies. He was in that. as trump they were all falling down, so powerful. It was so intense we decided to produce it off broadway. We have a situation where were looking very strongly add sinks and showers and other elements of bathrooms. There is so little water comes out of the faucet. People are flushing toilets ten times, 15 times as opposed to once. They take a shower, water comes dripping out, just dripping out very quietly dripping out. In many states they have so much water, it comes down, its called rain. cheers and applause trevor all right, thats it for the headlines. Lets move on to our top story. cheers and applause there are now just 329 days until the president ial election. 56 days until the Iowa Caucuses and 23 days until Pete Buttigieg can legally drink. So with the democratic primary race heating up, lets catch up on the latest developments in our ongoing segment world war d. cheers and applause as we get closer and closer to the primaries, all the Democratic Candidates are learning that while the beginning to have the race was fun and games, once you get into crunch time, people start digging into your history. This weekend everyone was talking about a confrontation involving joe biden, the candidate with the most history. Democratic frontrunner joe biden got into it with a local voter. Words were exchanged and then a challenge. Ive got two problems with you. One, is youre as damn near as old as i am. Youre selling access to the president just like he was. Youre a damn liar, man, thats not true, and no one has ever said that. And you want to check my shape on, lets do pushups here, lets run, lets do whatever you want to do, lets take an i. Q. Test. I didnt say you were doing anything wrong. You said i set up my son to work in an oil company. Isnt that what you said . Get your words straight, jack. Look, heres the deal, heres the deal it looks like you dont have any more backbone than trump does when youre audience reacts trevor whoa damn that got testy. There was a weird moment, though, you have to admit. This guy said he was concerned biden might be too old to run for president , and instead of addressing the mans concerns, biden challenged him to pushups . You realize, joe biden, this could have ended terribly, because what if that old man beat biden, hmm . Now hes the Democratic Front runner, right . laughter yeah, thats how it works weve all watched black panther. You beat the guy in charge, you become the guy in charge thats how it works pushups, the old guy would have ripped up his shirt, like, is this your nominee . and everyone of the old white people in the town hall would be like, oh laughter and, like, i think this is what shows you whats wrong with american politics right now, a candidate and a voter should never be calling each other fat and old, all right . They should be calling each others mommas fat and old. Lets keep things civilized, people. While biden is fighting off corruption allegations and challenging voters to meet him in the park plot, his greatgrandson Pete Buttigieg is dealing with a controversy about a lack of transparency. A lot of people were concerned buttigieg wasnt allowing press to attend his fundraising evidence. When he was asked about it, he couldnt pretend to give a shit. Buttigieg is getting more attention, he says he will think about opening his fundraisers and had a tart response to reporters friday as to when hell make the decision. As the candidate, can yu just director your campaign to open those . Yes. Why havent you done so . Really a lot of considerations and im thinking about it. Can you give us an example of those considerations . No. Thank you. Trevor damn looks like someone started growing chest hair. Oh you know, i always joke about buttigieg looking like hes 15 but in that press conference he was acting like a teenager, too. Did you do your homework . Yes. Do you have it, yeah. Can i see it . No. laughter buttigieg may have been gangster at the podium but the backlash to this was so swift he and his team had to announce today they will be opening his fundraisers to the press. One thing buttigieg did that was really slick was that he took his transparency issues and tried to turn them around on one of his opponents. Buttigiegs campaign has also been calling on Elizabeth Warren to release her tax returns from before 2008 during her time as a corporate lawyer. Last night she did, revealing she made nearly 2 million from private legal work since 1986. Trevor 2 million . I knew it laughter Elizabeth Warrens out here acting all folksy but it turns out this whole time she had a job . laughter because thats whats funny about this story. If you read it, the headlines make it sound like Elizabeth Warren was boiling out of control, but, in reality, she earned 2 million over 30 years. laughter yeah. Which averages out to a modest 60,000 a year. That is the complete opposite of boiling. At 60,000 a year, you want popping champagne in the club. Youre carefully removing the cork, pouring it in the glass and saving the rest for the time you come back to the club. laughter applause so thats a quick update of whats happening in the democratic race, and you know whats funny about this whole thing to me . The democrats are trying to defend so hard even the smalls skeletons in their closets. Meanwhile, trump is rolling through the streets going, these arent skeletons, these are just skinny people, and if you dont believe me, you can do pushups. Well be right back cheers and applause the wait is over. Tmobile is lighting up 5g nationwide. While some 5g signals go only blocks, tmobile 5g goes miles. Beyond the big cities to the small towns. To the people. Now, millions of americans can have access to 5g on tmobile. And this is just the beginning. Tmobile, the first and only nationwide 5g network. Thgreat stocking stuffers. Ke but how about rightnowinyourmouth stuffers. Happy holidays to your mouth. Not sorry. Reeses. When you think about the best times. You werent bothered some people didnt know the rules. Or upset the weather chose today to not cooperate. You werent concerned your seat ended up being an exercise bike. And you clearly werent stressed about the clean up afterwards. Because when youve got the good stuff. You can focus on the stuff that really matters tostitos. Get to the good stuff. Friday the 13th of december. Black Christmas Christmas lights. [ screaming ] you messed with the wrong sisters. cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show. Yesterday was the weekend, and the weekend means sports. So lets check out what happened in another edition of i apologize for talking while you were talking. cheers and applause yeah, whats up, people who like sports . Hes michael kosta, im roy wood, jr. Big Football College news this weekend. The playoffs set, the bowl matches are set, which games are you looking to . I put 14,000 on the panera bread bread bowl bowl. Trevor i think you have a gambling problem. Not if i win. Anyway, roy, lets start with todays big news. You know how russias always a major force at the olympics. Yeah. Not anymore. Breaking news in the spores world, this morning russia received a fouryear ban for doping from the world antidoping agency. This means there will legal be no russian team at the 2020 summer olympics or the 2022 winter games. Now, russians will still be able to compete at global competitions but only under a new central flag and with no national anthem. Trevor whoa, shit russia got banned from the olympics for doping too many times. Now, it is important that we say, kosta, their athletes can still compete as individuals but they cant represent russia, they can just represent themselves. Its like, hi, im vlad. Im here to throw javelin. Where are you from . You know, i am from around. Do you have any clean urine i can buy . laughter look, ive got to say, man, i think banning russia from the olympics is a massive mistake. Russia lives for athletic competition. Now weve just got a bunch of angry russians with nothing to do. The olympics are like the Afterschool Program thats been keeping them off the streets. Now theyre going to be meddling in everything our elections, our power grid, our relationships which reminds me, baby, if any nudes pop up in my phone, it was the runnings. Me, too, baby. Moving on to the n. B. A. Where lebron and davis have the lakers in the top of the standings, 21 and 3, one loss for every eyebrow they have combined. laughter yes, a. D. Picked up 50 points but what happened courtside that got people talking. As youre waking up maybe checking twitter, youre wondering why lizzo and jumbotron are trending . Lakers haddive thing i think colluding lizzo pulling up her dress to show off her thong when the lamers showed her on the jumbotron. Yes lizzo is living her best life that outfit was a bold choice, a very bold choice because i would not want to put my bare ass on stadium seats, especially, especially courtside seats. Theyre cushions cushions absorb everything you can feel the bacteria lizzos going to take a dna test and its going to turn out shes 100 Jack Nicholson farts. laughter speaking of the knicks, you know how they have been losing . Theyre doing something about it. The knicks lost eight in a row, off to one of the worst starts in franchise history. Today they decided to part waze with head coach David Fizzdale who actually held practice with the team today, this is him at knicks practice facility shaking hands with management and, just an hour later, he was fired. Okay, okay, this is unfair. You cant blame the coach when you never gave him the right players to win. You can only make dinner with what you have in the fridge which is why, tonight, ill be eating egowaffles, sriracha and aa batteries. laughter i dont really feel bad for this guy. Hes getting 17 million. The only thing boater than getting 17 million for coaching the knicks is getting 17 million for not coaching the knicks. Ill not coach the knicks for 16 million ill do it for 15, but i gotta wear a thong. Thats fair. For the rest of the season, the knicks should give every fan at the game a ticket and raffle off a chance to be coach for a day roy, thats the plot of a whoopeWhoopi Goldberg movie cald eddie, she wins the context and gets to coach the knicks. Fine, fine. The point is the knicks are so embarrassing they need to go into hiding. Theyve got to go where no one whether find them like a household of nones. Thats also a plot of a Whoopi Goldberg movie called the sister act. Whatever, man. The point is basketball clearly aint their thing. Maybe instead of playing basketball the knicks should sit around all day talking about the news thats the view, roy Whoopi Goldberg is also on that. I cant get whoopi out of my head i need to get Something Else to think about. Want to see a picture of me in a thong . I dont want to see a thong picture. You can see my frostbite right here. No, no Trevor Michael kosta, roy wood, jr. , everybody well be right back cheers and applause fast paced hip hop song playing througout give the gift that speaks for itself cash scan your pepsi. Get a match. And gift that money forward, to whoever you want keep the pepsi. Gift the cash. And gift that money forward, to whoever you want have you ever worked with dr. Francis . Oh yeah, hes ok. Just ok . Guess who just got reinstated well, not officially. Nervous . Yeah. Yeah me too. Dont worry about it, well figure it out. Ill see ya in there just ok is not ok. At t has americas best network, now with our best plans, at our best prices, starting at 35 a line for 4 lines. New from at t. We ordered 10,000 units. That sounds good. Pretty cool, huh . Theyre speaking to mom in japanese, and mom hears them in english. Can you understand me . Yes, i can understand you. Okay. I have a lot of questions. How do you guys fly . What does santa do in the summer . Is mrs. Claus a good cook . Do you guys get presents . Can you roller skate or ice skate . cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonights was the first woman of color to have a leading role in a star wars movie. Heres a preview of the highly anticipated star wars the rise of skywalker. Were not alone. Good people will fight if we lead them. People keep telling me they know me. No one does. But i do. Trevor please welcome kelly marie tran. cheers and applause trevor welcome to the show. Thank you so much. Trevor and congratulations on a whirlwind ride. This movie is so highly anticipated and, yet, at the same time, we know nothing about it, like nothing. Like, normally when im going to do, like, an interview, they might send me a movie before hand and im like, disney, no. Disney, theyre true ninjas. Theyre not going to tell you anything. Theyll make you wonder. Trevor some wont give you the movie, theyll just give you your parts and you wont know what the movie is. I strangely enough, i read the whole thing. Trevor oh man. I know everything. Trevor these are piecey, and sometimes they change so you dont know how it will end up. Would it be like you say, i dont know and then you see the movie . I watched the movie last week. Trevor i late you and im over it you experienced the best and worst of social media at the same time. Yes. Trevor when you dot got the role and when the first movie came out you were in, there was a backlash, oh, why is she in the movie . This asian woman, makes no sense. Then you have a huge wave where people supported you. But then you said im done with being online, im not being harassed by trolls online and im off. You dont do social media now. No. That might be the best choice i ever made, truly. Trevor how . Yeah. applause trevor how do you know youre valid in life . I dont want to make everyone mad but im, like, you should try it. Trevor youre in the space where your role takes so much significance not just because to have the character youre playing in the series and because how youre part of this end of this saga of the series but also because this was the first time we had seen an asianamerican actress, like, playing a powerful role in a star wars franchise. Does that not come with a ton of stress . It absolutely does. It absolutely comes with a sort of overwhelming pressure, this desire to represent well. Trevor right. Also, on the other hand, im, like, guys, whats the big deal . Asian women speak and have feelings and can have a full existence in life, its not that crazy. Trevor right. So when you were on this movie and youre creating it, i mean, like, is there ever a moment where you think to yourself, its all downhill from here . laughter no, ill tell you, because its star wars. Yes. Trevor its star wars. You can get any other movie and be, like, yeah, but i did star wars. Because i wouldnt be humble enough. If i started with star wars, everywhere i go, people would be, like, hey, would you like to be in this movie . I would be, like, is it about the jedi . laughter is that, like, a weird trip for you to be on as well . I think it is kind of a weird trip. I mean, forever, i will always, i think, be grateful to have been part of this thing that is such a cultural touch stone to so many generations of people but, at the same time, i feel like its also, because it feels like it was a big franchise, now i just want to do something totally different. Trevor thats amazing. I would be stuck in star wars. I wont lie. I feel like i would bring star wars to movies that didnt need it in it. It would be like a dramatic scene in the notebook, and it would be, like, hes in the bed, and i would be, like making sounds congratulations. Thank you so much. Trevor star wars the rise of skywalker will be in theaters december 20th. Kelly marie tran, everybody. Well be right back. cheers and applause thats why Xfinity Mobile lets you design your own data. You can share 1, 3, or 10 gigs of data between lines, mix in lines of unlimited, and switch it up at any time. All with millions of secure wifi hotspots and the best lte everywhere else. Its a different kind of wireless network, designed to save you money. Switch and save up to 400 a year on your wireless bill. And save even more when you say bring my own phone into your voice remote. Thats simple, easy, awesome. Click, call or visit a store today. Trevor thats our show for tonight. Thank you so much for tuning in. Well be back again tomorrow. First, here it is. Your moment of zen. Theres Something Big and yellow that each morning greets us high then rises