Theyre blowing them away in the ratings. Oh, excuse me, i almost forgot. I would have been in big trouble. The great lou dobbs, right . [cheers and applause] what . How is this the president of the United States . He sounds like a kid saying good night to his favorite stuffed animals. Good night, hannity bear. Nighty night, tucker. Sleep tight, double deuce. Who am i forgetting . Of course, the great lou dobbs. Lou dobbs, you fell under the bed. And you might think that was weird, but something tells me on monday morning the fox anchors came into work like this. Hannity, Laura Ingraham, Tucker Carlson, steve doocy. Ainsley, brian, the great lou dobbs, right . Theyre loving it. [eerie music] so, though it was only 35 days, the government shutdowns effects will continue to hurt america for a while. And maybe it would have been all worth it for trump if he had gotten some of that sweet, sweet war money, but he folded with nothing to show for it. Anyone out there by the way, thinking President Trump caved today, you dont really know the donald trump i know. He right now holds all the cards. He will secure the border one way or another. I dont see it as a cave. I see this as a process. This is a half time, uh, stop in the action. So did he cave . Did he not . The answer is absolutely he did not cave. He did not cave. He made a tactical decision, a strategy decision to pick the ground to fight on. To pick the ground to fight on. To pick the ground. You know, thisim sorry. This is unbelievable. No matter what trump does, hes always a mastermind whos accomplishing precisely what he wanted to do. Like if trump was boxing and he got knocked out cold, like Jeanine Pirro would be like, brilliant. Another strategic consciousness pause by President Trump. You cant get knocked down if you stay on the ground. [laughter] [eerie music] no one knows. No one knows for sure whats hiding in trumps taxes, but last night, the New York Times found out what he used to be hiding. This morning a bombshell report in the New York Times is casting doubt on President Trumps selfproclaimed wealth. The times reporting it has obtained years worth of previously unrevealed figures from the president s federal income tax returns. The real estate mogul spent at least 10 years in the red, reporting business losses totaling over 1 billion from 1985 to 1994. According to the times, year after year, mr. Trump appears to have lost more money than nearly any other individual american taxpayer. Holy shit. For 10 years, donald trump might have lost more money than any person in america. That is crazy. The guy who lost the most money is the same guy who claims to be the best businessman. Its like finding out that hugh hefner died a virgin. I did not see that coming. And you might think its bad news for trump to be exposed like this, but thats because youre looking at all of this the wrong way. He lost a lot of money over the course of 10 years, if you consider a billion dollars a lot of money. If anything, you read this and youre like, wow, its pretty impressive all the things that hes done in his life. Its beyond what most of us could ever achieve. I i dont know that theres any suggestion that he broke the law. You know, say what you will about fox friends, but when they are with you, they are with you. Ride or die. Thats the squad i want in my life. Theyll spin any negative into a positive. Like every leader would be lucky to have that kind of support. If kim jongun had a fox friends, theyd be like, this haircut is the best one yet. Every leader. Hitlers fox friends would have been like, you know, the haters are saying that hes a mass murderer und he lost the war, but people dont focus on how welltraveled he was. Yeah, all the way from paris to russia in just a year, yeah. And Charlie Chaplin even made a movie about him. How many people can say that . Yeah. [eerie music] but maybe the most shocking scandal roiling the Democratic Party right now, is that cory booker is a healthy eater. First off, if cory booker became president , america would have its first vegan president. So is 2020 democratic contender cory booker trying to impart his vegan, animal free diet on the rest of us . He says that eggs, he discovered, do not align with his spirit. Eggs do not align with his spirits . That sounds like a really classy way of saying eggs give me diarrhea. Cory bookers walking out of the bathroom like, you might wanna give that a minute. I had a spiritual crisis in there. But look, i dont even understand how this is on the news. I say, if cory booker wants to be a vegan president , he should go for it. His diet choices are his business. They dont affect anyone else. Or at least thats what i thought. Good luck running for president trying to take away meat. Are democrats really trying to take the white house on a platform of banning meat . He wants to be the most powerful person in the world and he wants to impose his meat rationing on the rest of us. When youre eating a steak and you go yum, yum, yum, that is so delicious. Right what doeswhat does cory booker counter that with . So lock your freezers, save your meat now. You may need it. It would be very valuable, a great investment for years to come. Oh, man, you know, ill tell you that i feel so bad for people who take fox news seriously. Its gotta be so much work because theyre always telling you, its like, the democrats are coming for your shit. Youve gotta stockpile a lifetime supply of meat. Youve gotta stockpile guns. Youve gotta keep your fossil fuels, your bibles, american flags, confederate statues. There must be one closet at your house thats just chaos, complete chaos. Fox news is like reverse marie kondo, just put everything in your house as long as it sparks rage. [eerie music] v. Especially when your easily distracted teenager has the car. The worst. At subaru, were taking on distracted driving [ping] with sensors that alert you when your eyes are off the road. The allnew subaru forester. The safest forester ever. Xfinity mobile is a designed to save you money. Whether you use your phone to get fit or to find the perfect gift, youll use less data with a network that automatically connects to millions of wifi hotspots and the best lte everywhere else. So you save hundreds of dollars a year on your wireless bill. Xfinity mobile has the best network. Best devices. Best value. Simple. Easy. Awesome. Click, call or visit a store today. Ooohhhh [eerie music] alexandria ocasiocortez. By now, you probably know her as congresss superstar freshman democrat or if you watch fox news, what would happen if stalin was good at instagram . Either way, you cannot deny shes making waves, because shes only been in office for six weeks. But already, shes put forward a blueprint to combat Climate Change which is one of the more ambitious policy proposals washington has seen in a very long time and its called the Green New Deal. We are going to transition this country into the future. The Green New Deal calls for a 10year national mobilization. The goal in one short decade to bring Greenhouse Gas emissions to zero, meet 100 percent of energy needs by renewable sources, overhaul transportation systems. Expanding a high speed rail to, a scale where air travel stops becoming necessary. It would modernize us infrastructure upgrade or replace every building for energy efficiency. Bring equality and equal justice for undeserved minority and impoverished communities. The main part of the bill is about Climate Change and ocasiocortez is right that the us needs to take drastic measures to prevent Climate Changes worst effects. Of course, over at fox news, as soon as they heard cortez and Climate Change, sirens started going off like bin laden just emerged from the Ocean Holding at aquamans trident. They were like, this is not a drill we have a code aoc man your battle stations. What is this Green New Deal . Answer radical environmental socialism. One of the most dangerous, impractical, misguided economically guaranteed to be devastating plans ever. There is another victim of the Green New Deal is ice cream, livestock will be banned. Green new deal wants to go after flatulent cows, so what are they saying . Were gonna ban hamburgers and americans are never gonna have a barbecue and flip a hamburger again . No more steak. I guess government forced veganism is in order. Yeah, theyll force feed us broccoli while giving us a tofu enema, yeah. Were all gonna be gangbanged by vegetables, yeah. Yeah, that eggplant emoji not funny anymore. Yeah. [laughter] you know, you know what i love about american politics is that whenever someone in the opposing party says something, there is this weird thing where you immediately have to take the exact opposite position. Ocasiocortez says that cow farting contributes to Climate Change, which is true, by the way. Its true. And all of a sudden fox news is like cow farts are the smell of freedom, okay. Every time a cow farts, George Washington gives me a thumbsup from the grave. [eerie music] so, desi, i have to ask. What do you think about female candidates getting less coverage than the males . Well, im offended, trevor, not just as a woman, but as a person who enjoys camera time. Yeyeah, desi, and you know whats really messed up is no, no, no, no, no, no, no, camera, stay on me. Stay on me. Nice try, trevor. And female candidates arent just getting less camera time. When they do get coverage, people talk about them like this. Kamala harris, shes running for president. She does what she does. Shes snitty. She did her little thing. Thats kirsten gillibrand. She reminds me of a wafer. You know, you put it in your mouth, its odorless, its colorless, and then you think to yourself, what did i just eat . Senator harris has california and South Carolina advantages. Shes very attractive. Elizabeth warren is a scold. Elizabeth warren has a likability problem. Kamala, she wouldnt even answer any of their questions. Instead, she just acted like she is beautiful, which is how she handles everything. Do you think shes beautiful . Look at those pipes, smooch. Yeah. Its not doing it for me. No . I just gotta be honest with you. Yeah, i mean, shesshes shes not gonna make the next jane fonda fitness video. Oohh, scaramucci with the burn. I think hes just mad that she lasts longer in the gym than he did in the white house. [cheers and applause] yeah, you know what . You know what, instead of mocking female candidates based on their looks, scaramucci should be out looking for his neck. Look, there is just something about a woman running for president that brings all the sexism to the surface. And i dont have to remind you what happened in the 2008 election, but i will anyway. Men wont vote for Hillary Clinton because she reminds them of their nagging wives. Is there somebody in your life whose voice just sticks in your ear like an ice pick . Well, Hillary Clinton has a voice like that. It makes me makes me envy the deaf. Shes also shrill, angry, and she needs to lighten up a little bit. When Hillary Clinton speaks, men hear, take out the garbage. Theres just something about it that feels castrating, overbearing, and scary. I have often said, when she comes on television, i involuntarily cross my legs. Okay, first of all, that was horrendous, but also. Castrating . Crossing your legs . Tucker, whats going on with your balls . [eerie music] booking. 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So, when i get a video chat, and i get to see their face, its the best thing in the world. And ive earned every one of these gray hairs. Military moms, we serve too. vo the network more people rely on, gives you more. Like military plans with a special price on unlimited, 100 per line, and big savings on our best phones when you switch. Thats verizon. Coors light is cold packaged. For peak refreshment. The worlds most refreshing beer. Coors light. [eerie music] fox news. Its the number one Cable News Network in america, and probably the last thing your grandpa saw before he died, and right now, fox news is at the center of a big debate among democrats, who are running for president. Elizabeth warrens refusal to hold a town hall on fox has sparked a debate among democrats in the 2020 field. To fox or not to fox . Fox news is a hateforprofit racket. Ill talk to fox news reporters, but what im not gonna do is give them a full hour of my time, so they can raise money, and they can raise credibility off it. Thats right. Elizabeth warren, for one, is refusing to go on fox news, which is a little ironic because her tribal name is woman who talks to fox. But i do understand where warren is coming from. You see, fox news at this point often acts more like a propaganda outlet than a news outlet. So, why would you go on there and give them legitimacy . You dont argue with a crazy person on the subway who says, the earth is flat. We all know that the earth is round, right . With a little handle on the top so that god can spin it. Thatsyeah, i mean, what do you think . It just spins on its own . You guys are crazy. But seeing as theres 200 democrats running for president , theres bound to be differing opinions on how to deal with fox news. While Elizabeth Warren and Kamala Harris are avoiding fox news like cooties, Bernie Sanders, vermont senator and guy who uses a walgreens bag as a briefcase, has gone for a different approach. He went on fox and held an hour long town hall. Millions of people every single year lose their health insurance. Now what we are talking about actually is stability, that when you have a medicare for all, it is there now and will be there in the future. Senator a show of hands of how many people get their insurance from work, private insurance . Right now how many get it from private insurance . Okay, now of those, how many are willing to transition to what the senator says, a government run system . Wow, that had to be a shocking thing for fox news viewers to watch. All right. Turning on their tvs, and seeing a crowd cheering for a socialists plan for medicare for all. In fact, thats probably what killed your grandpa. Thats what that was. But you see what Bernie Sanders did there was interesting. Right, he didnt pander to the fox audience. He stuck to his principles and, by the end, the audience was on his side, which ends up being good for the democrats, because normally when fox viewers hear about medicare for all, its stuff like, the government will only pay for your pills if you go trans. And thats what Elizabeth Warrens point about legitimizing fox news. Pete buttigieg, he showed that theres not necessarily the case, right . He showed that you can do it a different way. Because the mayor of south bend, indiana, and host of nathan for you, he did a fox hall. He did a Fox Town Hall on sunday. And he showed that visiting fox doesnt have to mean that you endorse them. You know a lot of folks in my party were critical of me for even doing this with fox news. I mean, when you got Tucker Carlson saying that immigrants make america dirty, when youve got Laura Ingraham comparing Detention Centers with children in cages to summer camps, then there is a reason why anybody has to swallow hard and think twice before participating in this media ecosystem. But i also believe that there are a lot of americans who my party cant blame if they are ignoring our message cause they will never hear it if we dont go on and talk about it. I hope youll join me in making sure that that next era is better than any that weve had so far. [cheers and applause] thank you, mayor. Thank you. Wow, a standing ovation. Wow, standing ovation. Pete buttigieg went on fox news, trashed their most popular anchors, and then got a standing ovation at the end. That is amazing. [cheers and applause] that is amazing. Becausebecause if someone came to your house and told you how ugly your kids were, youd probably be like, get the hell out of here. You wouldnt be like. Someone had to say it. You got a bigass head, billy, youve got a bigass head. Someone had to say it. And it wasnt just the audience. Some reporters on fox news actually credited buttigieg for coming onto their network. But the kids with the bigass heads, they werent as happy. Mayor pete, who desperately needs a reboottigieg. Now when he wasnt pushing for tax increases or lobbying lame cheap shots, he was trying to pass off political pablum as some type of highminded oratory. Maybe we should call him pope pete, because dont you love how he, you know, he because he attends church were supposed to treat him as the beall and endall moral authority, or the arbiter of who is and who is not operating in good faith. Okay. I get that Laura Ingraham is trying to diss pete, but i dont know if she achieved that by calling him pope. People like the pope. Its not a great diss. Its like going, you know this guy steve is always walking around, being a dick to everyone. Lets call him big dick steve. That will show him. Then everyone will know what a big throbbing dick he has ii mean is. So Laura Ingraham, Tucker Carlson, and brian kilmeade, they were all pretty pissed with buttigiegs star turn on fox, but there was one fox viewer who was downright heartbroken. Last night i watched alfred e. Neuman. Whats going on with fox, by the way . Whats going on there . They putting more democrats on than you have republicans. Its something strange is going on at fox, something very strange. Did you see this guy last night . I did wanna watch it. You always have to watch the competition, if you call it that. And he was knocking the hell out of fox and fox isbut somebody is going to have to explain the whole fox deal to me. Oh, poor trump. You realize what happened here. The news network that he loves the most, flirted with a younger hotter candidate andand hes clearly shook. Hes clearly shook. You heard when his voice broke. What is going on with fox . [eerie music] [[airpod case clicking open]g] hey siri, play me something new. Music playing it was just past one when two three men from four five step to me door like oh my gosh just throw that cash in a black bag run around the back and pull up the track, cause yaow i just learnt some jazz today, its true you gon learn you gon learn you gon learn, hey ooohhhh were jack daniels. The oldest, realest, loudest, quietest, friendliest, lonesomest, proudest, mellowest, least likely to give up on a good tradition, most likely to make it how we make it whiskiest whiskey from lynchburg, tennessee. Laso you can enjoy it even ifst youre sensitive. Se. Whiskiest whiskey yet some say it isnt real milk. I guess those cows must actually be big dogs. Sit i said sit we run right into these crises, and we do not leave until normalcy is restored. Wed been working for days on a site in a storm devastated area. A family pulled up. It was a mom and her kids. Everything they had had been washed away. The only thing that brought any kind of solace was the ability to hand her a device so she could call her family and let them know that she was okay. vo there for you when it matters most. Join us and get up to 650 when you switch. Thats verizon. [eerie music] new york state lawmakers will consider making it illegal for pedestrians to text or even look at their phones while crossing the street. Fines under a new bill would range from 25 to 250 for repeat offenders. Exceptions would be made for emergencies. So how do new yorkers feel about this new law . Well, the folks over at fox and friends, they wanted to find out. So they sent a man named steve doocy to find out. Weve been watching all sorts of people walking by with their texting device. Excuse me, maam. Hello, hello, excuse me. Going forward, you could get fined 250. Is that a bad idea . Or a good idea . I really dont wanna. Okay. I dont think she has shes in a hurry to go to work. Okay, this guy right over here. Hi, how are you . Looking at this guy right here. See hes using his phone to hi, excuse me, can i ask you a question . Can you tell that new york city is a very busy place . Heres a guy. Im going to surprise him. Im going to see if i can get his attention. Excuse me, excuse me, sir. Hi, excuse me. Can i ask you a question . Oh, man. Oh, man. You realize that last guy was literally about to step into the traffic, rather than talk to steve doocy. He was like, uh, taxi, fox news, taxi, fox news ill take a chance with the taxi. [eerie music] im goin down to south park, gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation goin down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting, howdy, neighbor heading on up to south park, gonna see if i cant unwind mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine i swibecause they let metual, customize my insurance. 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