First, as we all know, two weeks ago, puerto rico was devastated by a category 5 hurricane, and today, President Trump went to the island to finish them off. President trump is in puerto rico today meeting with officials and victims of hurricane maria. During the visit, the president tossed rolls of paper towels into the crowd that gathered at the cavalry chapel. You have to admit, though, man. This guy knows how to bring the party, because look at the people there. Like, theyre having fun. Theyre taking selfies with him. Like, do you see the crowd . Everyone was loving it. Well, everyone except for eric. Hes like, oh, now you have time for catch, dad . Really . Really, dad . Im open, dad im open hes like, sorry, all out of towels. Oh well. No more towels. Nationalists descending on charlottesville, virginia, to protest the removal of a statue of confederate leader robert e. Lee. In charlottesville, virginia, where protests are turning violent. At least one person is dead after a car plowed into a group of counterprotesters. But you also had people that were very fine people on both sides. I think theres blame on both sides, and i have no doubt about it, and you dont have any doubt about it either. Like, i know that this happened a week ago, but im not gonna lie. Imim still processing everything. You know, first of all, a racist neonazi killed a peacefully protesting woman with his car, right . Then the president of the United States defended the neonazis who that dude was marching with. And this is the thing. Its not once, but twice. Like, donald trump said it. Then three days later, he came back and said, hey, hey, you know how i i said that nazidefending thing . Well, i just realized that, um, ii messed up. I didnt defend them enough. Yeah. Yeah. My support was here, and i was trying to get it here. [laughter] yeah. Fallout continues from President Trumps racist remarks about certain countries during an immigration meeting. During that meeting, President Trump slurred immigrants from, quote, shithole countries. So here we go again, folks. President trump busted for making monstrous comments, this time about an entire continent and haiti. House instead of hole. Oh. He said shithouse. Now everyone in africas Walking Around like, oh, that changes everything. We live in a shithouse, not a shithole. [laughter] ahh. Donald trump. [applause] at least now we have a shitroof over our heads. [laughter] look, man, did the president say shithole or shithouse . Does it even matter . Him having a poopoo mouth is not the story for me. The president of the United States condemning entire groups of people as worthless and undesirable based on what country they happen to be born in, thats the story. You know, this whole situation reminds me of grabbing them by the pussy, because the words are shocking at first, but then thats all some people end up focusing on instead of the Bigger Picture of what the words mean. Like, with that story, trump couldve said, i prefer to grab women by the front butt. Its still him bragging about sexual assault. [laughter, applause] the same way writing off a whole continent as a shithouse or a shithole is still the president being racist while negotiating immigration policy. When donald trump was first elected, one of the biggest fears was that he would get everybody into a war. Like, we didnt know if it would be with iran, or australia, but we all knew that it was coming. It turns out trumps first big war is with a book. President trump was venting again today possibly taking a swipe at Michael Wolffs new book. Heres what he had to say. Our current libel laws are a sham and a disgrace and do not represent American Values or american fairness, so were gonna take a strong look at that. We want fairness. You cant say things that are false, knowingly false, and, uh, be able to smile as money pours into your bank account. [laughter] seriously . Say false things as money pours into your bank account . Thats the story of Donald Trumps whole life. [laughter] it was the motto of his fake university. At a speech in ohio, he took a moment to complain about the democrats who didnt clap for him during the state of the union. Somebody said treasonous. I mean, yeah, i guess. Why not . You know. People with a hardon for democracy didnt like the president casually accusing his political opponents of treason, which is why the queen of comedy, Sarah Huckabee sanders, came out to explain a thing or two. The president was clearly joking with his comments. Yeah, guys, lighten up. The president was just joking about treason. Yeah, just like when he was joking about obama helping isis, or when he joked about how the russians should hack hillarys emails, or my favorite joke, when he said police should rough up people in custody. [chuckles] oh. Protect and serve. Whatever. The wall street journal is reporting that a woman was paid 130,000 a month before the election to keep quiet about a sexual encounter with donald trump. A porn star who goes by the name stormy daniels. She apparently had a story to tell. No. No. No. I dont want to picture donald trump chasing anybody in his tightywhities, okay . Because i feel like theyre not fully tight, and theyre not fully white. I dont want that. I dont. Just this morning, in touch magazine, all right, they printed an interview with stormy daniels, where she talks about the alleged affair in depth. Daniels told the magazine that trump allegedly told her, i was beautiful and smart, just like his daughter. [audience groans] yeah. Yeah. Ooh indeed, my friends. Come on, trump. Really . Cant we just enjoy a story of you having an affair with a porn star without you making it sleazy . [laughter] cause now its gross. But its also not surprising, because i thought id never have to say this again, but dont ever forget. Donald trump wants to bang his daughter. [laughter] [patriotic music] [thinking] mexican spices . [thinking] nacho cheese sauce . They dont want these coming out. Whos they . The burger people. They they nacho fries, now serving at a taco bell near you. [bong ] c puppy barks you can do it duck. Hurry up duck you can do it duck. Iams. Helps keep your dog healthy at every stage. So you can always look forward to whats next. Then he tried tostitos flavored salsas. Nline. And realized that not all sharing is easy. Oooh, roasted garlic. Can i. Um. Stuart. Share the salsa, stuart. Thanks roasted garlic, nice. You guys know theres more salsa, right . Tostitos. Bring the party. [hiphop music] all yes, we can yes, we can yes, we can. All yes, we can all lock her up lock her up lock her up tillerson reportedly openly called President Trump, quote, a moron. [laughter] you know what . I cant be mad. Tillerson was just saying what we were all. Also saying. [laughter] but apparently, this report really angered President Trump, because today, tillerson had to come out and read an unscheduled statement saying donald trump is a nonmoron president. Could you address the the main headline of this story, that you called the president a moron, and if not, where do you think these reports are im justim not gonna deal with petty stuff like that. I mean, this isthis is what i dont understand about washington. Again, you know, im not from this place, but the places i come from, we dont deal with that kind of petty nonsense. So thats a yes. [laughter] thats a yes. Thats a yes. Man, i feel bad for rex, because him coming out to refute the story only made it a bigger story. So now everyone on the news was saying this. Rex tillerson, not denying that exclusive report by nbc that he called the president of the United States a moron. We have confirmed that reporting that Rex Tillerson called the president a moron. The president s a moron. Donald trump is a moron. Says he called the president a moron. Called him a moron . A moron. A moron . Both moron. All moron. Moron. Uh, yeah, my source didnt just say, uh, that he called him a moron. He said an effing moron. [laughter, applause] a. A fantasticing moron . A fabulousing . What does effing mean . I guess well never [bleep] know. For President Trump, some of the stagecraft was off as he nearly walked past the vietnamese president waiting for a handshake photo. [laughter] oh, donald. What the hell, donald . Come on. I know youre used to avoiding vietnam, but this is ridiculous. [laughter] like, look at him. Donald trump has the navigation ability of a roomba that sucked up a penny. What is he doing . Nothing says you blew off the briefing books like not recognizing the president of the country youre visiting. Yesterday, the official white house doctor declared President Trump to be completely healthy. With critics questioning the president s mental fitness, dr. Jackson said he has absolutely no concerns about the 71yearolds cognitive abilities, adding that the president himself requested a test, receiving a perfect score on whats called the montreal cognitive assessment. Its a Pretty Simple test. I mean, its about 10minute test. They ask you draw a cube, draw a clock, things like that. Things that most people are able to do. Among the test questions identify the animals and name the maximum number of words in one minute that begin with the letter f. Wow. Really . Really . To see if a president is competent, you ask him to list words starting with f . Like, thats just one of trumps speeches. Folks, fox news fake news. Failing new york times. Fired. And finally, phenomenal. [laughter, applause] President Trump taking to the field before the Ncaa College FootballNational Championship in atlanta tonight. Tonight there are reports like one from the New York Daily News claiming that the president appeared to say the words wrong during the National Anthem. What so proudly we hailed at the twilights last gleaming whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight and the rockets red glare [vocalizing] you know whats funny, is how trump comes in at, like, the popular parts of the song. You can see that trump knows the words to the National Anthem the same way we all know the words to a rihanna song. Hes like. Work, work, work, work, work [hums] durdurdurdurdur [vocalizing] tell me if you like it [hums] and the ramparts trumps staffers, allies, and family, quote, came to believe he was incapable of functioning in his job. Wolff writes that aids said that mr. Trump Rupert Murdoch isis quoted calling him an idiot. Wow. Trumps own people think that hes dumb as a watermelon. I guess the country isnt as divided as it seems. [patriotic music] vo you can pass down a Subaru Forester. But you get to keep the memories. Love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. avo get 0 apr financing on all new 2018 Subaru Forester models. Now through february 28th. This is how many people were born here. This many are fifth generation. This is how many are named hiawatha kitty mcgee. He keeps the town dry. Theyd prefer it a little wet. This many are proud of what we make here. This is how many will go around bragging about it. This is our town. If you cant get here, just look for one of our postcards. We send them all over. They look like this. We send them all over. Everyone has a thing. That binge watch over the weekend thing. More checkingin or checking out things. That tripledouble thing doing it yourself or tagging a friend thing. More revolutions in the making thing. That play like a girl thing. That fourlegged friends thing. At t gives you more for your thing. More entertainment, internet, and unlimited plans. More for your thing. Yeah, thats our thing. Oh theres one. A the sea cow manatees in novelty ts . Surprising. Whats come at me bro . Its something you say to a friend. Whats not surprising . How much money matt saved by switching to geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. [hiphop music] the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Dont be rude. Im not gonna give you a question. You are fake news. Go ahead. [cheers and applause] there are certain achievements every journalist aspires to, like breaking a big story, winning a pulitzer, or cancelling dinner with wolf blitzer at the last minute. The fun part is waiting outside so you still get to see his face. [laughter] but the dream for any journalist is landing an interview with the president , and thats something that, right now, fox news is indisputably the best at, with nearly four times as many president ial interviews as all the other big tv news organizations combined. So how did the men and women of fox score so many sitdowns with the potus . Ive studied every interview, and it comes down to a few basic rules. What theget the [bleep] out of my shot. [laughter] get out. As a journalist, you might think your job is to hold the president accountable, but this isnt the post, and youre not tom hanks. Unless you are tom hanks, in which case. Hey. Big fan. The point is, if you want the president to let you ask questions, youve got to take a softer approach. The media, pretty vicious, not just to you, but to your family. How do you process that . Are you getting the credit for this economic revival . How frustrating is it to have former president obama thereout there leading the resistance . Youre one of the most loved and respected. I would say that also. In history. Yeah. How does that feel . Are you having fun in this job . So how was your week . What a nice change from all the unfair, fakenews, gotcha questions, like whats your infrastructure plan . Can we see your tax returns . And please take your penis off the constitution. Its not a question, but they do say that. Next up positive reinforcement. Now, obviously, the president is always right, but he needs to know that you know that. Flattery is key. You guys wanna start with good news . [cheers and applause] we do have some good news. Go ahead. Right, you dont get a lot of good news in the media. Well, you dont get so much. If i may say, you are everything as advertised as you ran for president , and i appreciate everything youre doing. Your ability, your successes, all of the things that you can talk about for two hours here. Right over there is your hotel. Yeah, thats right. Isnt that beautiful . Isnt that beautiful . Its a beautiful hotel. Look at your hotel. Man, its hot out here. Do you have any trump brand water . Never mind. I have some in my ivanka trump handbag right next to my don jr. Brand douche. And there you have it. Landing a president ial interview is easy if you know how to do journalism good. But dont take my word for it. Ask. Me. I mastered these techniques and got my own exclusive sitdown with the big man himself. Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule, mr. President. How are you doing . Great. Tremendous. Good. Lets get right into these questions we gave you ahead of time. Outstanding. Mr. President , we know youre awesome, but just how awesome are you . One of the greatest in the history of our country, and we are setting record after record, day after day. And youre not getting enough credit for it. No, im not getting enough credit for it. You are such a good president. I mean, america should just end after you. Mic drop. Boom. Its over, folks. Never getting any better. Kill yoselves. I dont think ive ever seen anything quite like it. Mm. Best president says what . What . Exactly. Boom. Mm whoa, look at those bear claws. Man. You know, it makes you wonder. Why are people so mean to you, you know . Its justits not fair. [stammering] it makes me just so. [glass shatters] angry. Well, i think the press is fake. Totes. A lot of the media is fake. Bingo dingdingdingdingding yahtzee fake and phony. Whatwhat . Smoke weed every day well, luckily, i brought a little surprise for you. Its your favorite. Quarter pounder with cheese, filetofish, two apple pies, and a 12piece bucket of kfc. Thank you. I love it. And i love you. Let me tell you, the one that matters is me. Im the only one that matters. Well, mr. President , i just have to say thank you so much for your time. Oh i almost forgot about your happy meal toy. Its a truck vrr thank you. No. Thank you. [cheers and applause] thank you. [cheers and applause] [patriotic music] clears throat michelob ultra. Michelob ultra. makes bottle twisting open sound glug, glug, glug today, right now, you have more power at your fingertips than entire generations that came before you. But its not really about what technology can do, its about what you can do with it. We are living in the future we always dreamed of. We have mixed reality that changes how we see the world, and ai empowering us to change the world we see. So what will you do with it . And were gonna get the phone his phone,ry sorry. Uh out of you. The important thing is that were going to make you better. voiceactivated doubletone okay. Heres how to make butter. Pour two thirds a cup of cold heavy cream into a one cup canning. Snickers® satisifes. Two pieces of chicken, chicken biscuit, biscuit, biscuit mashed potatoeeees [guitar string tuning] cookie and a driiiiiiiiink all available at kfc for just 5. Its Finger Lickin good vibranium secured. Well done my king. Is my ride ready . Of course, big brother. But you have to hurry. Show off experience luxury performance that takes the crown. Presenting the allnew lexus ls 500. Long live the king. [hiphop music] ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country. Youre fired. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye. Hereheres what i i wonder about the book. Like, what do you intend the book to be . Is this a journalistic foray into the white house, or is it a salacious account of just all the juicy tidbits of, like, the innerworkings of whats going on . Well, i think those are the same things in this instance. Um, but yes, it is a book about what i saw and what i heard, and what i saw and what i heard was, um. Uh, flabbergasting. I mean, these are the greatest bunch of knuckleheads ii think that have ever been assembled in one place. You look at the stories that now come out, lets say on immigration. Government funding. Donald trump unable to corral a deal. Unable to get lawmakers to do what he would like them to do. Werewere there any signs of this when you were in the white house . Well, yeah. Actually, the people around him say [scoffs] hes never negotiated anything. And thatsseems actually to be true. In his Business Career and then theythey point out, you know, he cant even read a balance sheet. So in his Business Career, hes the guy going on television, and and other people are doing the negotiating. Right. Hes a television performer. If he doesnt know the balance sheet, does he know policy . And he certainly doesnt know not only does he not know policy, he doesnt care about policy. This isthis is the profound point here. He doesntof all the reasons that one would theoretically be the president of the United States, hehes not interested in any of those. Right. Thats the big one that he doesnt fundamentally care about, which means that someone is the real president. So is it john kelly . Is it Stephen Miller . Whowhos running the show . Thats an interesting thing. I mean, because most of the people who went into this white house with him are now out of this white house. Right. So hes left with, um. You know, his two senior advisors are a young woman by the name of hope hicks, whos a former junior fashion pr person. Right. Um, and Stephen Miller, who, as recently as well, not that long ago, steve bannon described him to me asas my typist. So suddenlyi mean, you have the former the, um the fashionthe junior fashion pr person and the typist are now the senior most advisors to the president of the United States. [laughter] you must forgive me if im just shocked at all of this, because its you almost feel like its depressing that hes not a mastermind that is planning all of this. We are just all dealing with a buffoon is almost what youre saying. Yeah, hes stupid. [laughter] [cheers and applause] [patriotic music] boo [coughs] cheers and applause jordan lean in to your television. Its already february 8. My opponent tonight is the founder of the me too movement, tarana burke. cheers and applause and speaking of respect for women donald trump. laughter reverence for women is the bedrock of trumps white house. Thats why his chief of staff, john kelly, is shocked, surprised and publicly shocked some more because one of his top aides, rob porter, has been accused of Domestic Abuse. White house chief of staff john kelly expressing shock over what he calls new allegations of Domestic Abuse against white house staff secretary rob