Buy you aint seen uganda. A brawl in ugandas parliament breaks out during a debate about the president s eligibility to run for office again. You can see them, theyve got i dont know what their weapons are, mike, but theyre using whatever they can get their hands on. Yes. The countrys constitution has an age limit of 75 for president. Well, the 73yearold president , yoweri museveni, has ruled uganda since taking the position by force in 1986. So that argument over changing the law to allow him to run again after the age of 75. The first rule of Ugandan Parliament is you dont talk about Ugandan Parliament. And real quick, what does that reporter mean . I dont know what those weapons are. What do you mean . Its a mic stand, okay . We have mic stands in africa. The reporter is saying it like, the ugandans are fighting with some kind of giraffe stick. I dont know what that is. Its a mic stand, okay . Now honestly, we could go into the reasons they were fighting, but the truth is you dont really care, and there is so much fun insanity happening in every frame of that video. We have to look closer at it. Like one guy jumps onto the table and then he does a spin. Whats that . Who does a spin in the middle of a fight . That is insane. He looks like a ugandan michael jackson. Like, what was that . Oh, and thenand then and then watch this part. Someone throws a chair, and the security guy catches in midair. Like a boss. New york giants, are you watching this . You better sign this man. But my favorite part, my favorite part of all, one representative, hes just standing there the whole time waving the ugandan flag like a matador. You can see, hes like, when this is a painting, they will definitely include me huh . You know whatyou know what my suggestion is . This is how america should run its congress, right . If some senator wants to filibuster a bill, you cant just say, i vote to block. You have to physically block them from getting it to the floor. Put some muscle into it. Come on, mitch lets see what youre made of. [cheers and applause] thats what i want to see. [upbeat music] two lions were recently caught in the act at a National Park in kenya, but this wasnt your average instance of mating. Thats because both the lions were male. The head of kenyas film censorship board, ezekiel mutua, called for the lions to be isolated. On november 2nd, the told the nairobi news, quote. [laughter] oh, wow. This kenyan politician thinks that these lions learned this from gay people . Like, this is either homophobia on another level or gay people are incredible animal trainers. I cant even get my dog to sit, and theyve got these lions sixtynining, really . Or maybe or maybe hes just jealous, cause i know im jealous. I mean, look at that guy, huh . Look at that guy. You ever been so satisfied you lost control of your tongue . Just like, uhh, uhh. Uhh, uhh hakuna matata. Prince harry and Meghan Markle selecting st. Georges chapel for their upcoming ceremony, set to take place in may. The engagement ring, two diamonds from jewelry belonging to harrys mom diana and a center stone from the african country botswana, where the couple spent their third date. Wait, hold up. Their third date was to botswana . I mean, normally on a third date you might go to red lobster, but for a royal you go to an entire african country . Wow. For more perspective on this royal engagement, we turn now to our actual british person, gina yashere, everybody. [cheers and applause] gina, this Royal Wedding has people around the world excited. So in britain, it must be pretty big. Oh, its huge, trevor. We havent been this excited since piers morgan left for america. Now, i can see why americans love the royals. Theyre a worldfamous family with tons of drama. Like the kennedys but with better security. [audience groans] dont boo me. Boo ted cruzs dad. Wait, but, gina, gina, like, this is good news for the royal family, cause, like, harrys always been known as a bad boy, right . A bit of a womanizer, drunken fights, partying naked in vegas. Like, they must be relieved that hes finally settling down. [chuckles] settling down. This engagement is one of the most rebellious things a royal has ever done. Meghan markle is american, shes divorced, and shes black. This is not the traditional recipe for princess. Even in kids movies, they went green before black. Look, okay, wait, i understand american and divorced, but black, is that really an issue in britain . It is for the british press. I know in america people dont really think of meghan as super black. One, because her name is meghan. And two, because you cant pick her out of this lineup of white women. Yeah, i dont know where she is. Im not lying. But to the british rightwing press, harry might as well be engaged to wendy williams. How you doing . Look, i hear what youre saying, and ive been following the coverage from the uk. I dont know if ive seen that much racism. Exactly, the brits do subtle racism. Its not the n word. Its in code. They say, meet the inlaws, talking about how meghans parents are divorced, and she comes from a broken family. You know who else comes from a broken family . Prince harry [laughter] they call meghans family unconventional. Unconventional, the queen is married to her own cousin. Gina yashere, everybody. Well be right back. [cheers and applause] [upbeat music] elevator speaker going down. Oh no. Peter . Its kristy. Camp jenkins . Maybe this will jog your memory. Alexa, play my funky place. alexa playing your music. Remember our dance . Yeah, im not peter. Alexa, note to self. Take the stairs next time. Get a free moto mod with amazon alexa when you buy a moto z2. Available at major carriers. When you buy a moto z2. Mom anits not theirs. Car. Its mine. Mine. Mine. And it always will be, forever and forever. The new rx 350l with three rows for seven passengers. Experience amazing at your lexus dealer. When my vehicle i wwas hit by an ied. R in iraq i looked down and i knew i was out of the fight. But playing for team usa has been a Second Chance to represent my country. I get to show my children and the world that, yeah, i might have been knocked down, but im up, and im honored to be able to represent the flag. Comcast is grateful to all who have served our country, and were proud to bring the 2018 olympic and Paralympic Winter Games home to everyone. [upbeat music] House Republicans yesterday voting in favor of making concealed carry permits valid across state lines. Police departments around the country, including the nypd, say this will undermine Public Safety by weakening the tough gun laws right here in our area. Cuomo saying it puts all new yorkers at risk. Okay, no, no, no, no, no. No, im sorry, im sorry. Like, i understand some states want to have guns, but you cant just let conceal carry owners across state lines packing heat. This is not the wild west, okay . You cant do that. Because now, think about it, if youre a policemen in new york, youre gonna think anyone could be carrying a gun. And also, as new yorkers, were gonna think anyone could be carrying a gun, which would severely hamper our ability to be assholes. Right . Yeah, because think about it, in new york we talk trash to each other all the time. Why . Because you know the other person wont shoot you. Im walking over here, asshole take that bagel and shove it up your ass all right, mom, ill see you after work. I love you, bye thats new york. Thats what we do. [upbeat music] last week was the Consumer Electronics show in las vegas. Theres where all the Big Tech Companies show off the latest in unnecessary bullshit. Listen, not everything needs a computer chip. You hear that, fitbit . You know the easiest way for me to lose some weight is by taking you off. Damn it you judgmental bastard anyway, the big theme of this years ces was, were all lazy, so just let a robot do it. Selfdriving cars were big players at this years Consumer Electronics show. Electric carmaker byton sees the car of the future as a mobile lounge, a bit of a Movie Theater on wheels. More voice controls are coming to cars, as automakers enhance selfdriving features and turn the dashboard into a movie screen. We dont need movies on the dashboard, okay . Driverless cars are still new technology. If something goes wrong, i dont want the last thing i ever see to be fifty shades darker, okay . Because thats the only movie ill be watching in a driverless car. Its romantic and my hands are free. What is wrong with driving a car with your hands and your eyeballs . These people at ces think we cant even take a dump without ai. Thanks to the internet, this is now a thing you can do. Alexa, ask kohler to flush the toilet. Okay. Kohlers topend toilet, the numi, now connects to the internet. Theres no microphone in the toilet, but you can command it via nearby devices to help lift the seat, heat up, and other essential tasks, but itll cost you. The numi runs 5,625 and up. 5,000 for alexa to flush my toilet . Listen, i can get a guy off craigslist to do that for me. All right . And hed pay me. Oh, and also i dont want my toilet connected to amazon. Theyre gonna start showing me targeted ads for prunes. Yo, for some reason, these Tech Companies are obsessed with whats going on below my waist. This is smart underwear, so its like any wearable device in that it can read your body temperature, your heart rate, calories, steps, but its inside your underwear. A supercomputer in my crotch is a horrible idea, except when youre not performing in bed. Then its a great excuse. Sorry, baby, i got hacked. Damn russians. [laughter and applause] i know. These russians these russians are trying to influence my erection. So these geniuses at ces have figured out everything. Theres really only one thing that could go wrong. Im here at the Consumer Electronics show in the Las Vegas Convention center, and about 12 minutes ago all of the power went out. Were here in the central hall. Were hearing that the power in the central hall as well as the south hall went out entirely. All the power went out at ces . Thats like if you were at an amish convention and all the power went on. One power surge and all my stuff is useless. Now i have to flush my own toilet. I even have to measure my erection the oldfashioned way. Find a guy on craigslist. [smooth music] my favorite story by far. Black people are officially done playing. In atlanta, a tv news anchor got an email from a racist viewer, and tuesday night on tuesday night, she replied live on air, and youre gonna want to sit back and enjoy this. A woman by the name of kathy rae emailed me. Were gonna put that email on the screen, and then ill comment after it. You need to be fired for the racebaiting comment you made tonight. Its okay for blacks to discuss certain subjects, but not whites, really . You are what i call a she wrote niger. Not a black person. You are a racist niger. You are whats wrong with the world. And so i would say to kathy a couple of things. Number one, you mischaracterized what i said. I think when arguing with somebody, you have to be careful not to mischaracterize their viewpoint, so i wont mischaracterize your view either, kathy rae. I get it. On december 5, 2017, you think its okay to call this journalist a nigger. I dont. But i could clap back and say a few things to you. But instead, ill let your words, kathy rae, speak for themselves, and thatll be the last word. Goddamn whoo [cheers and applause] the revolution will be televised. Did you see that head tilt . Did you see that . You may not know what that means, but when a black woman puts her hands together and starts leaning, your ass is about to get beat. [laughter] like, this is her winding up. Whenever i would see my mom doing that, i knew, i knew what was up. Thats like a black womans golf swing. Shes going this way to come back, yeah. And you can tell by the angle how bad your beating is gonna be at the same time. Like at this point, its a slight fool. Thats all you, right . And thenand then when you go all the way here, its like, oh, you gonna die, you gonna die. One time my moms head spun 360 degrees. I couldnt walk for a week. I love this woman. Shes my hero. Sharon reed on cbs, i love you, this was amazing. Atlanta, this was the greatest talk back i have ever seen. [cheers and applause] [upbeat music] cheerios can help lower cholesterol. Good goes around and around multi grain cheerios. Five whole grains a hint of sweetness and a lot of good. Good goes around and around go. Yes go. Yes nice play. Still buffering. Mine too. What happened . Hey, joy, you should let your new pals know that according to a leading independent study, the most awarded network is now best in streaming. I think you just did. You both can get a much better view of the game on the iphone on verizon unlimited. Thanks. Thanks. Hey, thomas, whens your flight . gasps someone stole my watch. Hey avo unlimited is only as good as the network its on. So get the best unlimited on the most awarded network. And right now, when you buy iphone 8, youll get one on us with no tradein required. Look its the bud knight. Its the bud knight were saved yes. Dilly dilly time to do what must be done. bell sounds on Automatic Door i did it heres to the friends you can always count on. [upbeat music] oh, yeah, whats up everybody . Im roy, thats michael, and this is the 2017 year in review for sports. And what a year it was, roy. The astros won their first world series ever. We also had two cocky idiots trying to beat the snot out of each other. And the new England Patriots had an amazing comeback over the Atlanta Falcons in super bowl li. Ouch. Falcons rip. Blew a 25point lead, bro. They blew it so bad they had to write a book called what happened. Well, but the most important story of course is the nfl players to kneeling to protest the oppression of the black man in america. My man roy here knows what thats all about. No rest for the brothers. Am i right, roy . Actually, man, i just kinda want to keep this segment light and fun, so lets just keep moving. I hear you. Yeah, im down, dog. Because sports is supposed to be light and fun, and the nfl got a little more fun this year when the league lifted the ban on group touchdown celebrations. And the players took full advantage. They did the jamaican bobsled team. They did the they performed cpr. They even played leap frog. I mean, where do they come up with this . I mean, these celebrations were cool but they werent as good as the ones that you and i used to throw down back in our playing days, bro. Oh, you mean the pepper and the parmesan . Lets show em pepper and parmesan, here we go. Pepper. Heres the salad. [grunting] do the parmesan. [grunting] eat that salad. [both groan] pepper and parmesan crushed it. Ill tell you who else crushed it, the golden state warriors. They were absolutely dominant, cruising to an easy nba finals victory over lebron and the cavs. Speaking of the cavs, kyrie irving demanded a trade so he wouldnt have to play with lebron james, and that wasnt even the craziest thing he said this year. One of the big stories out of all star weekend is the cavs star kyrie irving believes that the earth is flat. Despite years of science, kyrie honestly believes that the earth is not round. Kyrie, baby, how you gonna say the earth is flat when you basically spend 20 hours a day dribbling. Both . A damn globe. Of course, id be remiss if i didnt mention that there was a racial slur that was spraypainted on the home of lebron james. Clearly money and fame are not enough to protect the black man in todays america, and thats an amerikkka with three ks, right, roy . Why do you keep bringing up all this heavy race stuff . This is supposed to be a light segment. I just want my sports with no racism. Im sorry, you know me. But im an ally to the black man. Stop saying the black man. Dont say that. I minored in african studies. That aint got nothing to do with okay, all right, ill just back off the african look, anyway, lets just move on, because the most incredible performance of this year has to go to Serena Williams winning the Australian Open while pregnant. Yeah, try pulling that off, roger federer. Well, he couldnt because technically what more can you say . Theres nothing more inspiring to me than a strong, powerful black woman. Oh, man, i told you, you dont have to im impressed by black women. Michelle, serena, your own mom. Keep my mamas name out of your mouth. It was a compliment. She raised a great man, roy. Just stop talking about race. I know whats going on. You dont have to keep bringing up race every time. Its hard because 2017, roy, was a year that race and sport intersected like never before. No, no, there was one story, Michael Phelps raced a shark, and that nothing to do with magical black women, nothing to do with wokeness and nothing to do with race. Oh, oh, okay. I just okay, how does race how is this race . Nothing, its just i have always seen the shark as the black man of the sea. You sayingyou saying me and the shark, were the same . Look, im saying everyone that was involved in this made so much money off of, what, the sharks hard labor. How much money did the shark make . Nothing. I mean, to me that sounds a lot like. The sharks working, everyones making money. But the sharks not getting money. Thats s no, no, no, dont say it. To me, thats slavery. Dont say that mm, im done. Thats what that is. Thats im done, man. Roy wood jr. Im michael kosta. To me the shark is slavery. Happy kwanzaa, you guys. Have a great year. [upbeat music] tide spokesman and patriots star gronk is speaking out against the dangerous tide pod challenge. A new twitter video starts by asking Rob Gronkowski if eating tide pods is a good idea. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. What the heck is going on, people . Use tide pods for washing. Not eating. Do not eat. But seriously though, kids, they look cool, but please do not eat these things. You eat them all yeah whatwho the hell are you guys . No, im not gonna do that. All do it do it do it do it guys, youre not gonna peer pressure me into doing a stupid thing. Im not gonna eat this. Youre not cool if you dont eat em all yeah trevors lame imyo, im not lame. Im cool. [laughter] [choking] what an idiot [choking] [laughter] [coughing] am i popular now . Do you guys love me . [cheers and applause] [sobbing] [upbeat music] [upbeat music] Recreational Marijuana use became legal in california today. Lines popped up at dispensaries with customers ranging from longtime users to firsttime buyers. This is absolutely going to be a recreational habit for me. I could just smoke a quarter of a blunt, have some doritos, and ill be good. [laughter] you know, i, uh i believed that that guy was a firsttime user until he said, i can just smoke a quarter of a blunt. No rookie knows the right dosage. This guy has probably smoked seth rogan levels of weed. Calm down, man. But seriously, its greatits great that Recreational Marijuana is now legal in california, especially because its been so good for californians health. Yeah, did you know that in the past 48 hours, californias glaucoma rate has dropped by 98 . Stoners everywhere were like, doc, its a miracle. I can see again. Or i can sleep, or my elbow feels i dont remember what i told you, man, but anyway, im gonna get high right now. [upbeat music] people all over america gathered today to watch the first total Solar Eclipse in 38 years. And i dont know about you, but i went out. I had a great time. Everyone in the building enjoyed it. But i think it is safe to say that nobody in america enjoyed it more than fox news shep smith. A total eclipse of the bang wow would you look at that. Its a total eclipse of the sun if i put this here and my phone here, i have a total eclipse of the phone. Total eclipse of the heart weve been watching the path of totality. So you can catch addisu on screen if you run. The path of totality, weweve just were not even at idaho. [buzzing] its not beatrice. Its beahtrice, nebraska. It turns the sun purple. That one is orange and this one is pink. What are they having, guys . All total eclipse of the sun. Can you feel it . [laughter] that there is the joy of a news anchor who finally gets to cover a story that doesnt involve donald trump. The sun the sun finally, the sun [upbeat music] [makes whining noise, coughs] two. Two, three