Im sorry. Im so sorry. Oh, im sorry. [rock music] [both sip] [chorus of women saying im sorry] [rock music] from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york this is the daily show with trevor noah. applause . Trevor welcome to the daily show, thank you so much for tuning in. Im trevor noah. Our guest tonight, host of the hit show parts unknown, Anthony Bourdain is here, everybody. applause but first, but first yesterday the official white house doctor declared President Trump to be completely healthy, which is great, which is great because it means that he will be alive and kicking for both of his terms. Or he will last until his impeachment, whichever you prefer. But not everyone was buying it. Especially because it looked like something shady was going on with the president s height and his weight. The new some are calling it girther bonding how the president grew from 6, 2, 6, 3, that matters because if, he is 6, 2, 239, that means he is obese. If that is what 239 pounds look like, i would weigh 170 pounds. If he is that. 1 away if being in the obese category. As we get older, we shrink. I have lost more than an inch in the last decade. Donald trump has gained more than an inch. Truly a remarkable man. Sure. He is a remarkable man. Everyone is sharp, he cant be 6 foot 3rbgs he cant be 240 pounds, he cant be healthy, yes, you know what else he cant be, president. But here we are, here we are. Like im surprised he subscribes to the law of gravity. He does his own thing, people. Oh, and in case you were hoping to hear that he is mentally unfit for president , more bad news. With kritdics questioning the president s mental fitness, dr. Jackson said he has absolutely no concerns about the 71 year olds cognitive abilities adding that the president himself requested the test. Receiving a perfect score on what is called the montreal cognitive assessment. It is a Pretty Simple test. It is about a ten minute test, they ask you to draw a cube, draw a clock, things like that, things that most people are able to do. Monk the test questions, identify the animals and name the maximum number of words in one minute that begin with the letter f. Trevor really . Really . To see if i a president is competent you ask him to list words starting with f. Like that is just one of trumps speeches, folks, fox news, fake news, failing new york time, fired, and finally, phenomenal. applause like im 12eu8 stuck on this. Like i can be believe part of the test for your president S Mental Health is to see if he can identify animals. Really . You are going to give him a rhino test . Like that sounds like a joke about african president s. This is a lion. This say rhino, and this is a camel. Congratulations, sir, you are now the president of uganda. 2 is insane. But lets move on now to the capitol. Soaf ree now and then congress checks in with different parts of government. Its called an oversight hearing. And its usually just congressmen or senators asking helds of agencies routine questions. Which as you can imagine, isnt always the most interesting. They do not have the sat tore authority to close noncompliant schools immediately nor does it have the authority to restrict dso access to sevis. Trevor that clip was so boring that the first time i watched it i went and lined up at the dmv just to feel alive again. But in the age of trump nothing is what it is supposed to be. Everything is flipped aroundment fox food is healthy, Tonya Harding is a hero, mitt romney is the one fa got away. And Oversight Committee hearings might as well be on world star. Thats unacceptable to me. There are threats in this country. People plotting. I receive enough Death Threats to know the reality. Trevor Death Threats what happened to the dso access to sevis, what happened to that cspan viewers yesterday must have had a heart attack bah normally it is the herbal tea of television thrk is more like butt chugging espresso. That espresso joke proudly brought to you by nespresso. They look like butt plugs but theyre not, unless they are. Now you might have ensoot corey booker video because it went viral but how did this nice guy turn into the caramel hulk . Well, the Senate Judiciary committee was already scheduled to meet with Homeland Security secretary krirs jen nielsen and as fate would have it secretary nielsen happened to be in last weeks meetings the infamous shithole meeting which turned out to be something many of the senators wanted to discuss. And something she definitely did not. What do you remember the president saying about immigration from african countries to the United States . There were about a dozen people in the room. There from a lot of cross conversations, there was a lot of rougher talk by a lot of people in the room. I remember specifically kus words being used by a variety of members. What i was struck with frankly as im sure you were as well was just the general profanity that was used in the room by almost everyone. Trevor secretary nielsen makes it sound like trump was just hosting a giant rap bat e8k like yeah, come on, come on, my name is donald and everybody knows, i dont want people if theyre from the shitholes, yeah, take it away mike pence. I feel like mike pence only raps for your radio ed oh you other and you oath oath that is what i dont yeah, how did i do, mother . applause oh and get, this get this, apparently according to nielsen the only person who was making any sense in the meeting was her boss, President Trump. What i understood him to be saying is lets move away from the countries and lets look at the individual and make sure that those we bring here can contribute to our society. Trevor sok, shes definitely paraphrasing trump because he doesnt speak like that. Like hes not that smart. Like hes pick a rhino smart but not that smart. Like sometimes i think trump is like groot and all the republicans are like the raccoon cuz all he says is no blacks and his team has to translate it to polszee. No blacks. What the president means is a meritbased system would enrich our nations human capital. No blacks . The president thinks that cutting medicaid will encourage hard work. No blacks. He doesnt want black people. I mean look, look, i guess that nielsen wants to pretend that the president wasnt being racist. But at times yesterday her loiltd just made her look really loyal. What does he mean when he says he wants more immigrants from norway . Norway say predominantly white country, isnt it . Di di i actually do not know that, sir, but i imagine that is the case. Trevor and now are you playing like you dont know that norway is a white country. Come on, really, norway defines white. Billy joel concerts look at norway and go damn that country is white. Nielsen was blowing everyones mind. Trump is smart, who know white, everyone was swearing, things got so confusing that Committee Chairman orrin hatch ended up taking off glasses that he didnt even have on. I would like to begin with i would worker visas. applause . Trevor no, no, no, hold on, hold on. Hold on. Let me put on my glasses so i can see that again. I would like to begin with i want religious worker visas. laughter . Trevor oh man. Yo, forget trump, that diseud needs a rhino test. laughter because like usually if people make that mistake it would end here, i get that. But then hatch keeps on going. Its like he realizes the glasses prbt there but didnt want to look silly sow carried on with the move, just like yeah, uhhuh, carry on, huhuh, im with you, im still with you. But the reason yesterdays hearing got really heated was because even though she was in the shithole meeting and heard tons of swearing in nul surround sound secretary nielsen kept denying that they recalled any naughtee words coming from the president. Is it possible he said the word at the meeting and you didnt lear it. Anything is possible, yes, maam. I dont specifically remember a categorization of countries in africa. I did not hear that word used, yes, sir. Apologies, i dont remember a specific word. Have i answered this, have i been very patient with this line of questioning. Have i nothing further to say bay meeting that happened over a week ago. Trevor yeah, you know what, she has got a point. So what if a man was racist over a week ago. Does that mean hes a racei today, that was like eight daysk come on, people change. Look, all of this explains why the junior senator from new jersey lost his cool. Tense of millions of americans are hurting right now because of what they are worried about what happened in the white house. Thats unacceptable to me. And ive got a president of the United States whose office i respect, who talks about the countries origin, my fellow citizens, in the most dispicible of manner. You dont remember, you cant remember the words of your commander in chief. I find that unacceptable. Tdz wow. Plaws plawtion you can feel that corey booker was so passionate it shattered orrin hatchs imaginary glasses. Oh, i just got these. And bookers tirade resonated with so many people who feel that the president expressing racist views only embolden white supremacist who already think that this is their time. So coree, thank you for that. And thank you, thank you also because you inspired the latest episode of the daily shows favrite soap opera. Yes, coree, i cheated. But i told you, i dont even remember his name. You dont remember. You cant remember. I find that unacceptable. Well, you have to accept it. I was drunk. When dik durbin called me hi teaser of rage when i heard about the experience of that meeting. Dik durbin that mother [bleep], i knew it baby, look, i know i hurt you. But i need to know that you respect this committee. Our committee. Im grateful to be on this committee. Im more than ever today happy i am here. Thank you. Thank you, coree. applause . Trevor well be right back trevor well be right back. Directv has been rated number one in customer trevor well be right back. Satisfaction over cable for 17 years running. But some people still like cable. Just like some people like preshaken sodas. Having their seat kicked on an airplane. Being rammed by a shopping cart. Sitting in gum. And walking into a glass door. But for everyone else, theres directv. For 1 rated Customer Satisfaction over cable, switch to directv and get a 200 reward card. Call 1800directv. Fortified. Tored. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. Music playing bye scout where is it you wanna go . Check it out oh, dude. Im sending it to him. Where is it you wanna go . Thank you. Where is it you wanna go . Hey hey. Whatcha doin on your computer . Whats a computer . Trevor welcome back to the daily show nrkts runup to the election it felt like no matter what center hes broke about donald trump, nothing could urt had them. Aka the testify long don, pus y grabbing, Fake Charity Donations running a fake university, he was unacceptable. But now we are learning learnine there was onestory he didnt want to come out, so much so that he was willing to pay. A bombshell new report from the the wall street journal alleges that a lawyer for President Trump paid a porn star more than 100,000 to keep sigh lent just before the president ial election. Trump Attorney Michael Cohen arranged a 130,000 pay off to stephanie cliffford also known by her stage name strmy daniels. Trevor you know, with any other presidency this would be the end. But with trump were all like wow, trump in a consensual affair. I think hes pivoting, yeah. And just this morning, just this morning, in touch magazine, all right, they presented an interwould you interview with Stormy Daniels where she talks about the alleged affair in depth. Now trumps lawyers have denied the affair. And after they reportedly paid her that 130,000 she signed a letter saying it never happened which i would also, sure, give me 130,000, nothing happened. I dont even know what this is. And honestly, im not a fan of this part of our culture. If the person has an affair, i think that is between them and their spouse. All right. But at the same time, if they are a funny details around the affair and now you are the president , then you cant blame us for wanting to get involved. Like quuz when i read through the story there are so many funny things that are not like the sex part, for instance, trump an daniels first met at a Golf Tournament when he noticed her and invited her to ride to another hole on the same golf cart. Right . Which is amazing to me. Because even the chance toim press a porn star couldnt get donald trump out of a golf karkts even then. He was like im not quitting. I love it. So trump and daniels have a good time at the towrnlt. And then he invites her out for dinner. At least she thought it was out to ender. But when she shows up, right t says here that she was, she was dressed to go out, and then trump is in his hotel room watching tv in his pajamas. And then they ended up having dinner in the room. If this was a porn movie, it would be the saddest porn ever. A sexy pizza girl would show up and then trump would just eat the pizza. You still here . But heres the trumpiest part of all of this. Daniels told the magazine that trump allegedly told her, she said quote, i was beautiful and smart, just like his daughter. Yeah, ooh indeed, my frensd, come on trump, really . Cant we just enjoy a story of you having an affair way porn storn without you making it sleezy . Because now its gross. But its also not surprising because i thought i would never have to say this again, but dont ever forget, donald trump wants to bang his daughter. Wants to bang his daughter. Well be right back. Tens of millions of people have switched to unlimited on americas most awarded network. Verizon . Uh, woah, woah, woah vince. It was ranked highest in Network Quality performance nationwide by j. D. Power and rated number 1 in the nation by rootmetrics 8 times running. Its totally verizon. 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You built the flame that warms my heart, but lying and cheating has torn us apart and im moving on. This is good. Really good. Totally worth all that cash. Thats right. I owe you for half of it, let me hit the bank really fast. The bank . Thats like walking. Just pay me with zelle. Dont know what youre talking bout. But dude you aint gotta yell. Whats the big deal . Has anyone even heard about zelle . I use it all the time baby. Its been treating me well. Like for what . My renter pays safely. Yeah, its backed by the banks. But im in a hurry, baby. Move aside. Thanks. bus horn bus air brakes yall know about zelle . Sure do. I use it every day. I pay my dog walker fast. Ill get my money today. I dont need any more apps, you guys. I dont know. Its in lots of banking apps. Probably right on your phone. Hold up. Let me take a second to figure out what im doing. Youre telling me zelle is for everybody. It keeps money moving. For students and parents and slackers. And makers, movers and shakers. And its safe and available for almost all takers . Thats right, baby. Then why am i walking to the bank . And why are we all rhyming . Introducing zelle. Make the most of every hour. Of every single day. With the power of tempurpedic sleep. Choose the mattress brand ranked highest in Customer Satisfaction by j. D. Power. Tempurpedic sleep is power. applause . Trevor welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight say world renowned chef best selling author, publisher and host of the emmy winning cnn original series, Anthony Bourdain, parts unknown. Whoa, look at this. My water. I mean. This is a uniquely italian thing, banana hammock. The what . Banana hammock. In america people dont want to get a tan like this . They dont want to reveal thach about themselves. They wear the. Big boxers. Keep them guessing until its too late. Trevor please welcome Anthony Bourdain. Plawtion applause welcome to the show. Thank you. Trevor ive been a fan of yours for so long, watching you travel around the world. And it was so amazing. This week, i guess it was perfect timing. Cnn aired a bunch of your shows, Anthony Bourdain, specifically of you in africa around the same time that the president was commenting on how these are shithole countries. Yeah, what a coincidence. Trevor right. You, you tweeted about the president saying shithole countries, why did it effect you so, why did it offend you so much. Apparently i have wasted my life going to shitholes, 17 years traveling around to extraordinary places. I mean the notion that people dont work hard clearly no one on the team has been to nigeria where people work like no one ive ever seen. It was just deeply enraging, enreajing to me because the reputation of everything i have seen, experienced, all of the people i have met and everything ive done over the last 17 years. Trevor one of the more painful and i would think interesting journeys youve taken in your life happened just very recently with regards to the Metoo Movement happening. Not just in america but in many parts of the world. Your girlfriend was one of the people who first came out and exposed the story regarding harvey weinstein. Uhhuh. Trevor your comints posted were really interesting because not only were you supporteddive, you felt disappointed in yourself. Why were you disappointed in yourself . You know, i came out of a brutal, o fres oppressive business that was historically unfriendly to women. I knew a lot of women t turned out who had stories about their experiences, about people i knew who did not feel i was the sort of person they could connified in. And suddenly because of my association with people were talking to me. And in fact i started speaking about it ot of a sen of real rage. I mean i would like to say that i arrived, i was always enlightened in some way or that i am an activist or virtuous, but inct fa, you know, i have to be honest with my ef. I met one extraordinary woman with an extraordinary and painful story. And who introduced me to a lot of other women with extraordinary sphorrees and suddenly it was personal. And you know, that, that woke me to the extent that i ever woke up, that certainly had an effect. No matter how much i admire someone, or respected their work, you know, i am pretty much on this issue im not in a forgiving state of mind. That shit aint okay. applause . Trevor the business that you are in now involves not just traveling around the world but helping people of diverse backgrounds have a voice, writing cook books, telling their stories about their parts that are unknown. You Anthony Bourdain could have just done it for yourself. Why was it so important to get these people involved and get their stories out there . You know, im one of those annoying people if i read a book or see a movie or listen a record that i really, really like. If i could i would come over to your house an shove it in your hand and sit there and listen it with you to make sure you dont miss anything, or rereading every line. That is an a moiz annoying perchl i know those people, yeah. I am passionate about being evangelical about things that i love that give me pleasure and make me excited. And im an enthusiastic son of a bitch and im having a really good time, and the things that make me heach, you know, especially if it is somebody that i feel is not reaching a wider audience, i would like to help. Trevor i love, that man. Anthony bowr dairntion enthusiastic son of a bitch. Thank you. applause . Trevor season 11 of Anthony Bourdain parts unknown premiers. Anthony bourdain, everybody. appla
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