Transcripts For COM Fake News With Ted Nelms 20171214

[ music ends ] [ chord plays ] [ chord, chimes play ] [ chords play ] [ chord plays ] welcome to the tfn newsquarters. Im ted nelms. Lets get started in florida with Team Coverage of hurricane randy. Weve got abby wofsy running late a few blocks away, Stewart Mccoy in a tree, and mark telfer is bearing the brunt of the storm in the florida keys. Thanks, mark. Thanks, ted. Im here. Not so fast. Mark, lets go to tfn meteorologist jane gordon standing by in the tfn Severe Weather lounge. Jane . Ted, moments ago, hurricane randy was upgraded from a category 4 to a category 5. Oh, my god jane, explain for our viewers, but not to me, because i already know, the difference between a category4 and a category5 hurricane. Well, its one worse, ted. Got it. Now the storm surges could be as high as 10 feet. To put that in everyday terms, an african pygmy mouse is 1. 8 inches long. If you strap 66. 667 pygmy mice end to end on a board, then turn that board vertically, the height of the mice would be the height of the storm surge. And, for our viewers who may be in randys path, what should they do . Learn a second language or a musical instrument. It will enrich your life immeasurably. Great advice. Thanks, jane. Now, over to the florida keys, where randy is expected to leave nothing but rubble. Mark telfer is there. Mark, news me right in the face hi, ted. Here in the keys, residents are racing to prep for the storm by boarding up their homes, tying down loved ones, and fleeing town. Meanwhile, the National Guard is stockpiling on diesel, clean water, and canned goods for hundreds of reporters like me who are an unnecessary burden on the community. Dire stuff. So, are people actually leaving . Well, most are fleeing certain death, ted, but a few spunky holdouts are staying put, like stubborn local character, deb simmons, here. Deb, this storm will kill you. Why not leave . I would, but i cant. Its too hard to get gas right now. Can you help me . Im sorry, deb. Im not from around here. Also thumbing his nose at the carnage is local bar owner, jesse d. Here he is right now. Jesse, why not leave . Oh, salty jax is literally never closed. It would be insane to start now. We got gassedup generators keeping our brewskis ice cold for you. 2for1 specials all hurricane long. Come on down well, its crazy to stay here, but also, a little crazy to miss out on a deal like that. Nelms ill say. Thanks, mark. All right, america. Which of these adorably foolhardy folks will you name our hunkerdowner of the day . Cast your vote on our website, thefakenews. Com. And if youd like to turn your back on safety to get on tv, call our hunkerdowner hotline. Now, mark, i was expecting the scene to be a little more intense. Well, randy hasnt made landfall in the u. S. Yet, ted, so its still relatively calm here. But is it making landfall elsewhere . Yes, it is, ted. Oh, hi, jane. Oh, hi, ted. The italian antilles are being pummeled by the hurricane as we speak. Sounds terrifying. Mark, i cant believe youll be reporting from that location next time we see you. Well, that is gonna be a little bit difficult, ted. They have banned all travel to and from the islands. All the more incredible that youre gonna find a way to get there. God, i admire you, mark. Yeah. Okay. Ted. Im ann mammon with a tfn bankroll money clip wealth watch minute. Tech startup scroob is set to go ipo. The popular app allows users to generate a random number, assign that number to a color, and then share with their friends. Scroob is valued at 15 billion. On the new york stock exchange, the dow jones hit an alltime high. Excitement was tempered by the realization that money is just a societal construct with no inherent value. And the duke brothers were hoisted on their own in a confusing transaction involving orange juice futures. International markets gold is sleepy. Commodities smelled vaguely like a wet dog. And futures moved, but only when nobody was looking. Thats the tfn bankroll money clip wealth watch minute. Later, evacuation or evacucation . Could this mandatory doomsday exodus turn into that relaxing getaway your family has been craving . But first, a quick correction. Yesterday, we reported on a new theme park that allows visitors to live out their wild west fantasies with the help of lifelike robots. That turned out to be a tv show. [ scooter crashes ] man ow hurricane randy isnt the only major crisis facing America President donald trump, still stuck in a well. Gail claymore is live at the scene. Gail, on your mark, get set, news. [ gunshot ] hi, ted. We are here in a remote corner of the white house grounds where the president remains trapped in a well like a helpless child. Heres a look back on just how america found itself in this extraordinary pickle. It was just one week ago that the president somehow stumbled into this abandoned well. First came the denials. So despite these well rumors, you stand by the official statement that President Trump is merely vacationing on his private island hunting other humans for sport . I think i made pretty clear where the president is. But then came the tweets. Failing media wont give trump credit. Nobody has ever gone inside a well this deep before. I have the best well. Initial attempts at a rescue immediately fail when First Responders realize their rope is too short. Then, an unsettling tweet from the president feeling lonely and scared but grateful for this time alone to contemplate the true value of character, honor, kindness and empathy. Though my fate is uncertain, i am not afraid, for i know america is greater than any one president , and her truths will live on, even if i do not. But concerns over his Mental Health are put to rest when the president tweets again, calming an anxious nation. Forget what i said before america is carnage obama is a muslim suck my bonespurs. Maga. Then tragedy strikes. From washington dc, the news is apparently official. President donald trum. Ps cellphone battery. Has died. And today, day seven, yet another new rope, and, ted, its still too short. Gail, i have to believe that there is a rope long enough to reach the president. There just isnt, ted. Theyve looked. In the garage . I would assume, yes, but i will get back to you on that. Okay. Thank you, gail. Joining me now via satellite is the nations highestraking aboveground official, Vice President mike pence. Mr. Vice president , welcome. Is the president being stuck in a well getting in the way of his ability to lead . It absolutely doesnt get in the way. President trump is one of the most resilient and determined people ive ever met in my life. I mean, he literally gets up every day, facing a galeforce wind. Wow. Of negative coverage in the mainstream press. [ laughs ] wow. All due respect, sir, hurricane randy is currently bearing down on the people of florida as we speak. I dont think galeforce wind is the best choice of metaphor. Um. Just a little disrespectful. I think were gonna have to end it there. Thank you, mr. Vice president. Yeah. Turning now to our panel, is falling in a well president ial . Im joined by grant burdock, who used to host this show until he was caught lying about his military record, and president ial historian nora samuelsnewman. Nora, is there precedent for this . Not exactly, ted, but, yes, a lot. Benjamin harrison spent three months in the belly of a whale, but back then, president s didnt matter very much. Fascinating. Grant, president ial . Ted, im offended by the idea that president s have to act a certain way simply because they happen to be president. Thats just. Racist. No, it isnt. And for another angle, lets turn to stu mccoy in a tree. Stu, is the president being president ial . Not sure, ted. Im in a tree. Sorry. Ive got to cut away. Breaking news in the murder trial of Branson Sutcliffe, heir to the sutcliffe caramel fortune. Sutcliffe caramel real cream real yummy lets go live to chase terry, who is outside the courthouse. Chase, whats happening . Hi, ted. Sutcliffes attorneys have called a sudden press conference. As you can see, the podium behind me is filled with microphones indicating an important announcement. Surely, theyll arrive any moment now. Perhaps we should check back in later, chase. Ted. Ted, uh, right now, im sensing a palpable shift in the energy out here much the same way a herd of elk would sense a predator in their midst. Surely, the defense team will be arriving right. Now. Right now. [ whispers ] right right now. Okay. Chase, why dont we check back in with you later . Oh, hey, ted uh, uh, ted, um, i have a new development. Yeah yeah . I dont know. I dont know. Chase, we got a lot to get to. When we return, hurricane randy. [ guitar riff plays ]. Cant stop, wont stop, plus, is there a moose in your house . The answer may surprise you. And i hold President Trumps feet to the fire in an exclusive prewell interview. Okay. Lets roleplay for a minute. Pretend im bruce willis in the sixth sense. And you see dead people . No, the kid sees dead people. Bruce willis is the ghost. Remember . I mean, its a little complicated. Bruce willis is a dead person, so i guess he also sees dead people, but thats not the gimmick of the movie. Do you want to just watch it again . Cant do that. Forget it. Announcer tfn opiate of the masses. If its time for this. [ rooster crows ] good morning, world, again. Then its time for mike tom her. Mike tom her every morning on tfn. Mike and tom bring you the news you need to start your day, alongside a new blond lady every once in awhile. Women are everywhere. Were letting them play golf and tennis now. Woman keep going. Shh. Shh. Chicks. Didnt men give you the kitchen . And i told you i like my meat tight. [ laughter ] right. Exactly. All right. Announcer mike tom her the more she changes, the more they stay the same. Weekday mornings on tfn. [ burps ] we have to interrupt this commercial interruption for breaking news. The fbi has identified the suspect in yesterdays attempted chicago airport bombing. But before we reveal his identity, we have tfn correspondents standing by with two different groups who are each rooting for the attacker to fit a certain profile. Ted, these liberals here really hope the perpetrator is a white, hetero, conservative trump supporter. And conservatives here would be happiest with a fundamentalist muslim, but are willing to accept a radical atheist vegan. All right. We wish all sides luck on getting affirmation that their world view is accurate. Now, tfn can announce the suspect is named. Farouk alziri. Man wow oh, no. No, no, no. Wait. Im sorry. Thats. Frank oleary. [ cheers and applause ]. Who posted facebook rants attacking. Donald trump. [ crowd cheers ] and also attacking barack obama. [ crowd cheers ] and also attacking telephone poles. [ crowds murmur ] im being told his motive was. To get his name mentioned on the news. [ laughs ] nice try, frank oleary. Let me be clear. Frank oleary is a name you will not be hearing on this network ever. Do you hear that, frank oleary . You lose frank oleary is a loser [ scoffs ] frank oleary. I think i handled that pretty well. Well be right frank oleary i mean, back. Announcer only one News Organization is the talk of america. Its totally fake news. Fake news. Fake news. Announcer only one News Organization is reaching the most powerful people in the world. Fake news. Fake news. Its fake news. That is fake news. Fake news. Fake news. Fake news. Announcer and only one News Organization is willing to take sound bytes completely out of context. That is literally the epitome of fake news. Announcer the fake news we make it all up. Its fake news, but you believed it for a second and were back. In a minute, Hillary Clinton opens up on the surprising amount of feces in the state department hallways. I was very disturbed by that, and i thought, you know, we need to bring it up. Dont pretend that you can hide it under the rug or in the corner. But first, the trappednited states of inawellmerica our continuing coverage of President Trump trapped in a well. Lets check back in with gail claymore. Gail, have you ever had a dream where your hands fall off . Ive had dreams where all my teeth fell out. Yeah. Thats stressrelated. This is different. Whats happening at the well . Its getting dire, ted. Rescuers are running out of options and, frankly, patience. Ill be honest with you. These are some of the best america has to offer, and even they are losing steam. Gail, gail, gail. [ chuckles ] ted . One second. Theres a guy behind you being an absolute cutup. Find out who that is. Sir, can you come here for a second . Can you please give us your name . [ chuckles ] uh. Mike mike rotch. [my crotch] very pleased to make your acquaintance, mr. Rotch. Will you tell us a little about yourself . Uh, i saw the camera, and i was just, like, what if i dont know. Uhhuh. Mr. Rotch, let me tell you what you just did right there you took a tense moment, and you imbued it with levity, telling america its okay to smile again, and i, for one, thank you for that. Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbht [ chuckles ] its good stuff. Its just good stuff. Im looking forward to the next National Tragedy just to see what you do with it, mike. Gail, give him your cell number. Awesome. What . Being in a well might not be good for a president s survival or hygiene, for that matter, but what does it do to his Approval Ratings . Turns out, it helps quite a bit, actually, and his republican colleagues have taken notice, many jumping into wells of their own. Hunter [ echoing ] trump is in charge. The president knows what hes doing. Harris [ echoing ] so what were going to do is were going to follow the president s lead. Ryan [ echoing ] i think its in our interest to have party unity. And no surprise, the democratic response to the president s situation has been swift, fierce, and well coordinated. Um, uh. Uh, uh. Uh. Um. Uh, ah. [ indistinct chatter ] hello . Bold words. Well see if they can make good on those promises. Of course, Many Americans are asking what its like inside the well. Whats President Trump going through . Our own augmentedreality correspondent, carl boormann, is here to give us a virtual look. Thanks, ted. First off, the well is 5 feet wide, which is about the size of a common floaty toy, perhaps a unicorn, which would help the president if the well filled up with liquid unless that liquid were acid, in which case the president would be instantly dissolved. But, as of now, the well is dry, most likely strewn with garbage, gatorade bottles, cigarette butts, old nudie mags, penthouse, club international, that sort of thing. And since the well was dug in 1881, we have to assume the president is currently surrounded with human skeletons, a grounds keeper, warren g. Hardings mistress, and so forth. It seems a little outlandish. Does it, meat puppet . [ chuckles ] well, this is my realm, a binary reality of ones and zeros you cant catch me, ted, for i am the [ distorted voice ] data lord [ laughs maniacally ] pure information unbound by the petty strictures of matter, manipulating cyber pulses in a digital orchestra. [ normal voice ] hhhhhhhha ha ha ha okay. Thanks, carl. He does this. Hell tire himself out eventually. In the meantime, target has released a new litter of Seasonal Workers from its corporate birthing sack. Genetically identical team members will be put down after the holiday rush. Returning now to hurricane randy. [ guitar riff plays ] not every story of the storm is a nightmarish foxtrot with a dance partner named death. Sometimes its an uplifting waltz with a homespun hero. On tonights good samaricans, we spotlight one man who is helping out. Aliena meet charlie shelton, a data specialist from youngstown, ohio. Hes the founder of a charity that collects an item most relief organizations overlook. So this is the panty pantry. Great. This is it. Reporter the panty pantry. It may look like an ordinary suburban garage, but inside is a meticulously organized collection of female undergarments waiting to clothe needy disaster survivors. When our crack team of tfn helper hunters discovered your website, i was literally blown away by your dedication to the cause that every woman, man, and child needs underwear. Just womens panties, though. Why specifically panties . I mean, if you think about it, its, like, the hardest thing, probably, to get in a disaster situation. Hmm. Theres some crazy disaster, and and and you just need panties, right . Right. How are you going to get them . Nobody has got panties. Yeah. Theyre out of generators. Theyre out of panties. I just felt like this was, like this is where i can do the most this is where i can do the most good. But if charlie sheltons going to do the most good, hes going to need a little help from the rest of us. And how can people donate to this amazing, inspiring cause . Just send, you know, send, like, all the panties that you can. Uhhuh. To the address on the website. And you want fresh packaged underwear . Oh, god, no. What . Yeah, no. I mean, if iiif thats what you have, sure. Ideally, its been you know, its a little livedin, right . So, yeah. Just send them to the address on the website, all types, it doesnt matter [ whispers ] and you dont have to wash them. Im sorry. What . What . Yeah. You dont have to wash them. Oh. So you wash them all here . Dont worry about it. Okay. We take care of it. Great. Dont dont worry about it. What . I didnt say anything. Okay. I didnt either. And thats just one way that every day, good samaricans are pitching in. Im aliana aliena, proud to have made my own donation to this inspiring new effort. Pretty inspiring story, right, stu mccoy in a tree . What . Never mind. Yet another breaking news story, so many today. Tfn has confirmed that famed ventriloquist eric lepay has died. The world will miss lepay and his beloved gaggle of puppets. Our hearts go out to all of them, as well as the 215 other passengers who were onboard his flight when it crashed. Eric lepay, you will be missed. Ted . Thanks, ted. Guns. Guns . Half of america thinks theyre instruments of death designed for killing fellow human beings, and the other half is against them. Last night, i hosted tfns gun control town hall. Heres where things got real. But thats a tired argument. Then go to denmark what are you doing here . Okay. All right. Yeah. Okay. One at a time. Robert, you were saying . I was saying the data is staggering. There are now more guns that children. Wow. Thats arbitrary and meaningless. Its true. Unrestricted gun ownership is a constitutional right. Guys, what do you say we just take this out of the abstract and make it real . [ gunshot ] oh aah [ people screaming ] [ groaning ] [ whimpering ] its okay. Its okay. Relax. So, bethany, you just saw gun violence firsthand. [ groaning ] how are you feeling, and what are you thinking . [ voice breaking ] uh, maybe, if there was a a good guy with a gun who, maybe, could have been here to intervene. Its a good point, and a good guy with a gun could definitely have stopped me from shooting a second person, but hed have no way of knowing that ive been planning to shoot robert ever since we invited him on this panel. [ groaning ] [ chuckling ] how did this get so weird all of a sudden . Ugh. Just a reminder that awesome town hall airs tonight at 9 00. Im joined now by tfn Legal Correspondent glen burke. Glen, do you think a good guy with a gun could have made a difference there . Ted, the bigger issue right now is that you shot a man on television. Youre going to be charged with attempted murder. Nice try, glen. I think we all know the only thing im guilty of is journalistic excellence. Once again, that full town hall will air tonight at 9 00. Yeah. I just dont think you should air it. Its pretty graphic, and its awful, and youre definitely going to be arrested, ted. Okay. Lets go with your premise for a second. Am i off the hook if the victim refuses to press charges . I turn to you, mr. Frammell. Are you going to snitch . Uh. [ chuckles ] you know, ted, its immaterial whether or not the victim testifies. The entire crime was caught on television, and then you aired it, and its also probably not a good idea to intimidate your victim on television. Youre just making a bad situation worse. Yeah. Okay. Thanks, glen. Mmhmm. Robert, watch your back. A note to our viewers this discussion falls under attorneyclient privilege, so, in sharing this clip, please use the hashtag attorneyclientprivilege, and, while youre doing that, dont forget to follow me on twitter, review me on airbnb, swipe right on tinder, tickle me on boo guru, pang me on tang hub, and hiherp me on ger, beflew me on harhou and flacka me on flololo youre watching the fake news. Announcer tomorrow on tfn, the outlook Team Discusses what it means to be black in america. Then on the carlyle report, Sexual Harassment in the workplace. The panel reminisces. Thats tomorrow on tfn. Th[[ screaming ] }es. [ gasp ] people who need help with hauntings, come to me. But this house, is my familys house. Im gonna find it and im gonna finish it. Elise, theres someone right in front of you. I dont see anything. [ screaming ] insidious the last key. Rated pg13. Music laying man rated e to m. [i feel you by depeche mode] i feel you within my mind i feel you you take me home to glorys throne by and by i feel you man now starting at 199 firstthen you put yourselfareer. Through school. Got the degree. Youve given it your all, to reach the goals youve set. Dont let student debt hold you back. Refinancing Student Loans with sofi can save thousands. So you can get where youve always been headed. Sooner. See how much you can save with sofi. The leader in student loan refinancing. This is the fake news with ted nelms, and im pretty sure thats me. Later in the hour, secretary of state Rex Tillerson finally meets the man america voted for him to have sex with. We shall see. And there they go. Well find out how that went later in the hour. But, first, lets check in on hurricane randy, currently making landfall over the italian antilles. Mark telfer is there so you and your family dont have to be. Mark, how deadly are things looking . Well, it is a scene of utter hell here, ted. Officials are saying it could take decades to rebuild this already tattered island. Mark, the ocean behind you looks like a roiling cauldron. Could you possibly get a little closer to give us a better view of its magnificent power . Probably not, ted. A cnn reporter was nearly swept away just an hour ago in this very spot. It sounds extremely dangerous, mark. Why not get a little closer . Well, im already as close as one can get to the storm, ted. Excuse me, ted. Mark could actually get closer. There is a tiny island just a few miles east of his current location. I knew it ted, the island that jane is referring to is uninhabited. There are no people there, no animals there. There are certainly no reporters there. Ted, its a death trap. Sure, mark, but how can you expect anyone to understand that without seeing you in the middle of it . Im a journalist, ted. Can they just take my word for it . Pics or it didnt happen, mark. You know that. Mark telfer putting his life on the line, so you dont have to, and why would you . That would be insane. Moving on from old england to new england. Queen elizabeth ii has signed a 3year contract with the new england patriots. Her signing bonus . A silver marmot. Im getting word that lawyers for murderous rich kid Branson Sutcliffe have begun their press conference. Our own chase terry is still on the scene. Lets cut to the chase hi, ted. The tension outside the geffen courthouse is palpable. Correct me if im wrong, chase. It appears sutcliffes lawyers still havent arrived . They have not, but i do have someone who was inside the courtroom. This is custodian roy baker, who was just in the courtroom last night. Mr. Baker, what was it like in there . It was a real mess. It was like someone spilled a soft drink or juice, real sticky. What was the mood like in the courtroom . Pretty spooky. I thought i heard a voice once. Okay, chase. We really need to not call in unless there is something happening. Well, there is actually a lot happening here. Weve got some spooky voices, spills. Chase, you dont have to do all this to get my attention. What . Why would i. Chase. Just because your mom and i are dating, that doesnt mean im trying to replace your dad. I mean that. Okay . Okay. All right. And now for a little anewsbouche. What happens when a regular person becomes a reallife superhero . A brave bystander saving a mother who is carrying her daughter who is carrying her pet rabbit. His name is stevie rivera, and he joins us via satellite. Stevie, how does it feel to be a beloved National Hero who looked the grim reaper square in the face and then courageously spat right in his empty eyehole . Uh, i dont know about that. I was just trying to get home, and it looked like they were in serious trouble, and i thought, these guys might not make it if i dont help them. Well, that woman and her daughter owe their lives to you. Im just glad theyre safe. And lets not forget the rabbit, whose name, i understand, is shoe . Im happy to know shoe is okay, too. Now i just called shoe a he, but is that the rabbits actual gender . I dont really know. So you didnt get a look at the rabbits genitals at all . I was mostly just focused on getting everyone to safety. Thats amazing, stevie. I applaud you for having the selfcontrol not to spread some fur apart and take a peek at that little rabbits undercarriage just to see what youre working with, right . I just wasnt concerned about that. Okay. Well, stevie, before you go, i have to ask are you running for president in 2020 . That had not even crossed my mine. All right. Well, whatever you decide, youll always be a hero who saved two women and shoe, the genderfluid rabbit. Thanks for stopping by. Thanks for having me. Later on the fake news, virtual pornography for the elderly. Find out how it could help you save on your heating bill. And tensions are rising near the sea of japan after north korea conducts a test of its controversial new fart bombs. Yikes. Do not go in there, and by there, i mean the sea of japan. Youre watching the fake news. Announcer tfn whos gonna stop us, you . This sunday on tfns 26part documentary series, letters of note. H. History starts with it. Announcer neverbeforeseen interviews. Two tall lines, and one across, like a bridge. Announcer the people, the moments shaped by the letter h. Man harry houdini, howard hughes, triple h. Hitler. Announcer letters of note the Hidden History of h. Sunday night on tfn. Announcer hey, ted, arent you a serious news anchor . Well, sure, but from 9 00 to 11 00 every weekday morning, i say pshaw to all that political turmoil. [ snaps fingers ] lets dance announcer get ready for teddy. On tomorrows show, teddy and snoop dogg share embarrassing school photos. And did someone say breakfast cocktail . Teddys gonna get his daydrink on. We got plenty of time to get serious after lunch. Lets keep the morning silly announcer . On teddy no news allowed. In americas darkest hour, one man brought light, showing us a path forward. Now hes taking on the issues every night on the rotch report. Time to get up close and personal with my crotch. [ laughs ] announcer mike rotch goes where other journalists wont. I understand your husband was killed in the attack. But. Baba booey baba booey, baba booey. [ laughs ] announcer the rotch report you wont be able to take your eyes off. My crotch. [ chuckles ] [ laughs ] my crotch. Welcome back to the fake news. Later in the hour, senator Claire Mccaskill learns professional wrestling is not real. Are you kidding . but first, an Unsettling Development in the story of selfstyled hero stevie rivera. A facebook photo has emerged in which rivera appears to mock recording artist nicki minaj. The backlash has been swift and fierce. Mr. Rivera joins me now to discuss this disturbing revelation. Mr. Rivera, you let america believe you were a selfless, reallife superman, solid marriage material, but now, were all saying, hang on. Are you the best person ever, or the worst lowlife in history . I think maybe neither. I mean, i definitely did not mean to offend anyone. My friend joanna asked if she could use my face to make a funny party invite, and i said sure. Uhhuh. Listen to these tweets. You suck and youre sexist, and this one really surprised me go kill yourself gross. That last one is particularly harsh, and i wrote it. It sounds like i hurt a lot of peoples feelings, and you know what . Thats on me, and i just need to learn a little bit more about these issues. Do you regret trying to fool america into thinking you were a hero by saving those people . I dont know. Maybe next time ill just mind my own business. Yeah, i think you should. Shoe is a girl, by the way. I had them send me a picture of her genitals. Stop assuming all rabbits are boys. Get off my show you make me sick, gross, and id like to issue a correction for something i said earlier in the broadcast. Its not a good afternoon. Later in the hour, Mick Mulvaney settling into his new role as acting director of nightmares. By the way, im just learning about the powers that i have as acting director. They would frighten most of you. But first, internet trolls theyre coarsening our discourse and dividing our nation. Is there anything we can do about it . Lets turn, again, to our panel. Joining grant and nora is grammynominated folk flautist peter thrush. [ jazzy flute music plays ] that ruled. Peter, did you write that or improvise it . Improvised. Nice. Artists are often unfairly targeted by the troll community. As a musician, how would you deal with a troll assault . Well, ted, after getting over the initial shock of finding out trolls are real creatures, id look for a weapon to fight them, like a spear. No. No, no, no. Im sorry. Were talking about internet trolls, which are people who say mean things online because they hate themselves. Sorry. I [clears throat] misunderstood. Yeah. I think you did. But, you know, you raise an interesting point. What if these trolls were actual trolls . Nora, your thoughts . Look, ted. If only 10 of americas bridges have trolls, thats still a Staggering Number of trolls it is. Thats a terrifying statistic, if true. Grant, trolls . Talk. I would conjecture that we are not prepared for this. They can emerge at any time, attack axes glinting in the moonlight. Well, no. I would argue that our military is equipped to handle a troll raiding party. Yes, but youre not taking into account their possibly bulletproof skin. Well, please let me finish. I was about to suggest that trolls likely carry unknown bacteria. Look. Millions dying of root plague probably wish they had their skulls crushed in by the first wave of ironbattle boots. But how would they know now is the best time to strike while our president is stuck in a hole . Because maybe the trolls got to the president first. For more, we turn to gail claymore live at the white house. Gail, is the president in danger . We just dont know. Even now, our president may be in chains working the trollslave mines. Thats a horrible fate to image for our president. Are there any other possibilities . Maybe, just as he shocked america in 2016, trump has taken the lava throne from king tharg and begun his hypothetical reign as donald i, king of subterranea. But does donald trump actually have a shot at the granite crown . For a deeper look, we turn to tfn political analyst nelson najar. Nelson . Ted, assuming subterranea uses an electoral college, donald trump comes into this race with a lot of negatives. Hes never been a disciplined campaigner, and hes not a troll. His soft pink flesh will be seen as a mark of weakness by the troll voters if they exist. Does trump even have a path to victory, here . He does, and that paths name is tharg. Okay. For those unfamiliar with troll politics, tell us about tharg. Tharg has been around a long time, and the tharg name carries a lot of baggage. For all those trolls saying, this is thargs time to rule. Get out of thargs way or be sacrificed to the blind serpent of the pit, just as many think its time to hurl tharg into the sun at the center of the earth. Break it down on the map for us. Trolls are notoriously hard to poll since they dont have phones and may not exist, but we can assume that having fallen from what trolls think of as the sky, trump would be worshipped as a deity. And thats appealing to voters . It wont play in the troll cities on the volcano coast, but here, those are the troll fungus farms. Those farmers are more religious, and they feel left out of the economic boom that followed king grolzeks discovery of the great spiders gold. Those rural trolls literally have an axe to grind. Im pegging his chances at 83 . Of course, margin of error doesnt apply here because its all made up, but look. I wrote him off on election day, and im never making that mistake again. Thank you, nelson. Now sleep. After the break, senator Mitch Mcconnell breaks his silence on Thomas Edisons invention of the light bulb. What a terrific idea. Later in the hour, my exclusive prewell interview with President Trump. Assuming another Supreme Court slot opens up during your tenure, whos on your short list . I like coach belichick, and tom brady is my friend. Thats an allstar lineup. Plus in health news, can humans eat sunshine . The answer, which is no, when we return. Lets get the oneh news, cwith the candy canes. E . Well, you know, the wrapping paper doesnt make the holidays. Its whats inside that counts. Its a phone for mom. Okay, well, its also whats inside the phone that counts, too. Circuits . No, the network. So the network is inside the phone . Well, no, the networks around the phone. And verizon is the most awarded network ever. Thats why more people count on it. Here you go. announcer a gift is only as good as the network its on. So give any google pixel 2 and get 300 off with no tradein required. Welcome back to the fake news with ted nelms. Im your host, ted nelms. Breaking news, mark telfers exclusive report on hurricane randys assault on uninhabited island b311j. Mark, paint us a news picture. Im barely. Able to hold on, ted whats that, mark . We cant quite hear what youre saying. I said, im really, really scared. I dont think it was a good idea to come here. Yeah, but the footage mark, the footage is glorious. Tell rita that im soooo oh mark, mark uh do we have him . Is he there . My god. Ladies and gentlemen, it, uh. It appears the unthinkable has happened. We have lost a colleague in the line of duty. [ inhales deeply ] no matter how experienced, trusted or highly rated a journalist you are, you just really cant prepare for a truly senseless tragedy like this. Youve got to ask yourself, why . Rest in peace, mark telfer, and if they dont. Ted mark . Mark i i slipped, [ chuckling ] but i think im okay. Oh, we still got you. All right. Hey. Hes alive. Hey. What happened . Well, i the waaaah mark . Mark is he gone . [ whispers ] is he really gone this time . Okay. You got to ask yourself, why . Rest in peace, mark telfer, and if st. Peter wont let you through those pearly gates, you just show him your press pass. God damn it, mark you finally got your scoop later in the hour, avocado toast what is it . Why is everybody suddenly talking about it all the time . Well search for answers. But first, kaylee crete has the latest in celebrity drivel. So, kaylee, what about these weddingbell rumors for jamie foxx and katie holmes . I dont know who that is. You dont . Okay. Talk about this, uh, feud between youtube stars da hindenburg and scum fluff. Okay, so da hindenburg was doing a playthrough of fatal shadow 6 wearing a nativeamerican headdress. Which is very offensive. Not when scum fluff does it, because shes 1 4 navajo, which is in her bio. But da hindenburg was doing it to, like, own scum fluff. Mmhmm. But then scum fluff was guesting on the dickhead brothers unboxing channel, and she called da hindenburg a fake nerd. Pretty highprofile forum for that. No one watches the dickhead brothers. Theyre, like, 30. Sure. But now its superawkward because da hindenburg and scum fluff hate each other, but they just started dating. Little netflix and chill, right . What . [ chuckles ] and now, turning to dog news, no no down no now, turning back to our human programming, the makers of weightloss drug novene are under investigation for covering up side effects including severe depression and all of your skin falling off in one big piece, which, obviously, results in a gruesome death, but are the allegations true . Well get to the bottom of it. Full disclosure the fake news is a wholly owned subsidiary of novene. Joining us here for an objective breakdown is tfn Health Correspondent amy sussman, who, full disclosure, works for novene, legal analyst eric hanson, who, full disclosure, is an attorney for novene. Theyre joined by regular panelists nora samuelsnewman, who, full disclosure, signed a gag order with novene in a previous lawsuit, and grant burdock, who, full disclosure, just really loves novene. Rounding out the panel is a man in a brown overcoat, who, full disclosure, i dont recognize and appears to think this is a bar or diner. Amy, lets start with you. Ted, theres no story here. Okay. Eric . This is a really nothing burger, ted. Nora . Sorry, ted, gag order lots to say, but cant say it. Grant . Love novene. Pop them like candy, still got all my skin. All right. Overcoat guy . You know, i go to work. My boss breaks my balls. I go home. My wife breaks my balls. I come here. You break my balls. Come on, ted. Another day, another dollar, right . You got it. How in the hell did you get in here, by the way . Dont answer that. Im getting word that First Responders at the White House Well are making another rescue attempt. Lets go there live. Ted, the rescuers are using a vacuum to try and suck the president out, but it doesnt seem to be working. Speaking of the president. [ paper rustles ] its getting harder and harder to remember a time when he wasnt stuck in a well. But not too long ago, he wasnt stuck in a well, and i sat down with thenaboveground President Trump for a little teteated. Lets take a look. Mr. President , thank you for sitting down with me. Im sure its not easy with your hemorrhoids. Are they getting worse . Its like theyre emboldened. [ inhales sharply ] im so sorry. Now youve been president for almost a year. How do you think youre doing . Its really a bad situation. Its really bad. Dont be too hard on yourself, sir. America has had some truly terrible president s. Surely youre familiar with warren g. Hardings legacy. I did talk to him about it. I want to help him with it. I think hes a very good man. We have a very good relationship, as you probably know. Just to clarify, warren g. Harding died in 1923, but youve been consulting with his spirit . Its a very strange phenomenon. We get along. I dont know if hell admit this, but he likes me. Sure. Just take his advice with a grain of salt. His administration was one of the worst in american history. Take a look at what weve done, too. Weve made a lot of mistakes. How many people have left flaming bags of poop at the white house door . There was 109 people. Thats just beyond the pale. They always do that, not just me. I mean, they do it with everybody, but you have to get over it. Well, i cant lets move on. The Mexican Border wall. When are you going to build it . Well, i think i already have. You did . When . 5 00. [ chuckles ] that was fast. How was your last golf game . It was okay, but a lot of people were killed. Thats great. Now, on a lighter note, you recently joked about putting a trapdoor in the oval office that drops into a tank of sharks. How is that coming along . Were going to be putting it in fairly soon. I think that, yes, i would like to say by the end of the year. So that wasnt a joke . Well see what happens. Always keeping us guessing. Well, mr. President , i cannot thank you enough for your time. If i could ask you one more question, of all the cable news shows, which is your favorite . Its fake news. That means a lot. My liege. [ fanfare plays ] president donald trump. He lives in a well now. Breaking news in a story everyone has been watching, im getting word that wanda, americas favorite pregnant giraffe at the minneapolis zoo, is about to give birth to her calf. Now, if youre like me, you have been glued to the zoos webcam. I just love this. Ive been watching this for the last 15 months. I can not wait to see this little miracle. Lets throw it, right now, to the big moment. Is it happening . Its actually happening. Theres my girl all right. She is clearly struggling, but very calm. All moms are heroes, arent they . Oh, now, if you look closely, ho oh, goodness. Thats. Its its something is happening. It appears to be the front legs of the baby calf just sticking right out of her giraffe hole. Ew. Did she lick it . Did she lick it . Oh. Agh. I bet its salty agh ugh. Its truly. Its a miracle, isnt it, the poetic wonder of oh, dear god. Oh, god no and its out [ laughs ] aah oh, its a waterfall oh, my god that cant be right. There is so much coming out. [ vomiting ] [ spits ] god, what a horror show. [ sighs ] ahh. Good job, wanda. After the break, the controversial plan to build an oil pipeline directly through this native american man. Youre watching the fake news. A 1, 2. A 1, 2, 3, 4. [ jazzstyle drumming ] [ jazz music plays ] announcer tfn the t stands for the. Announcer cunning. Bravado. Gold. Human President Trumps values are troll values. So, on this king day, cast a brand for trump. Or he will kill your father and make a coat of him. Paid for by americans who just want to cover their bases in case trolls turn out to be real. For trump. [ posh accent ] eh, welcome back to the fake news. At the end of the hour, tfn film critic House Minority leader nancy pelosi takes on the emoji movie. This is really a stinkaroo. [ normal voice ] harsh words, but first, lets check in one more time with chase terry. Chase, how close are we to the start of this press conference . The conference ended 5 minutes ago, ted. I tried to call in, but no one answered. I was probably on the other line. Can you just tell us what happened . Its impossible to describe what happened. You really had to be here. Well, were going to need you to do your best. Thats what reporters do. Do you want to hear what the defense attorney said . Sure. Lets start there. Okay. He said that. This is a direct quote, no further questions. [ sighs ] okay. Chase, can we rap for a sec, not as anchor to reporter, but as. Man to potential stepson . Okay. Look. Your mom and i really like spending time with each other, but im going to be honest. Im fumbling my way through this, you know . We all are. Nothing about it is easy for any of us, but, after the show, you know, what do you say we all have a nice dinner together, the three of us . I mean, i might even make pancakes. Breakfast for dinner . [ chuckles ] that actually sounds kind of fun. All right. Im proud of you, chase. Thanks, ted, or should i call you dad . I dont think were there yet, buddy. More breaking news, lets hurl it back to jane gordon in the Severe Weather lounge. Ted, hurricane randy has just been upgraded from a category 5. But i thought five was the highest category of hurricane . We all thought that, ted, but the National Weather service has just upgraded hurricane randy from a category 5 to a nazi. A nazi . [ dramatic music plays ] a nazi, ted. A nazi hurricane . Yes, ted. [ wind whistling ] like, a hurricane thats also a nazi . Thats what our data is telling us. A nazi hurricane . Yes. Like, a hurricanazi . Yes, or a nazicane. Lets go with hurricanazi. Ted, even as a Severe Weather professional. Hang on, jane. [ whistling stops ] [ slurping ] [ sighs ] okay. Go on. In all my years as a meteorologist, i have never seen this. Well, of course not. You study meteors, and tfn has some more breaking news. It appears white nationalists are rallying in florida to support this hurricanazi. Shelly wellington is on the scene. Shelly . Ted, the wind is making it hard for these white nationalists to light their torches, and their signs have mostly blown away. This nazicane doesnt seem to care who it hurts, including its own ideological allies. Now, shelly, ive been calling it a hurricanazi. I think thats a much better name than nazicane. Agree to disagree, ted. Cut her feed. Now, onto stu mccoy in the tree. Stu, are we wrong to be giving this hurricanazi such a public platform for its disgusting ideology . Yes, we are, ted. Stu, are you worried you might die like mark telfer . Ive got a real good tree, here, ted. Ill be just fine. [ chuckles ] well, if you think youre about to die, stu, you let us know, so we can cut to you. Panel what are the political implications of all of this . Republicans will really benefit from the president being physically unable to Say Something divisive at a time like this. And weve set our standards for him so low that merely being forced to stay silent will be acclaimed as president ial, and rightfully so. Ted, this hurricanazi is just a distraction from the nazi volcanos which might conceivably be threatening innocent trolls, if there are any. God damn it, nelson. I would like nothing more than to dive right down that rabbit hole with you, but we got more breaking news. Fema officials are speaking to the press about randy, the hurricanazi. We go there live. Thanks, ted. The press conference hasnt begun just yet, but ive got credible. Damn it, chase all right. What now . Lets check in with mark telfer. Hes in the heart of the storm, right . What . Oh, yeah. Hes dead. Ah its times like this i could really use the humor of mike rotch. More breaking news, miracle of miracles, mama wanda is having twins. Dont show it [ gags ] [ vomiting ] put a cork in it, wanda. God oh something else. Okay . Here we go, tfn has just learned that police have surrounded the tfn studios. They released the following statement. Ted nelms, you are under arrest for the shooting of robert frammell. Come out with your hands up. [ chuckles ] but you know what i say . Never hyah peter thrush, your thoughts . [ jazz flute music plays ] thank you for those soothing tones, peter. I really needed that. Were getting word gail claymore has an update. Gail, whassuuuuuup at the white house . Ted, rescue efforts are shutting down, so First Responders can get home in time to watch their favorite shows. Gail, there appears to be some activity behind you. Whats happening . Whats that . Oh, my god uh, the president is climbing out of the well. Hes made it out of the well and is. Aah [ people screaming in distance, static ] ladies and gentlemen, my producers are telling me that, that footage is cursed, and anyone who watched it will die in seven days. And thats all the time we have. Thanks for joining us. Stay tuned for lindsay tuhnites show, lindsay tuhnite tonight. Lindsay, what have you got for us tonight . Tonight, on lindsay tuhnite tonight, well talk to Ruth Bader Ginsburg about her stunning postbaby body. Only 52 years after her son was born, and shes already ready for swimsuit season. Sounds like a great show, lindsay. Thanks, ted. Youre welcome. Okay. Great. Cool. All right. Ah awesome. Yes. What . Yeah. Indeed. See you. Okay. You got it. Copy that. Mmhmm. Yeah. Sure. Thanks, ted. Uhhuh. See you. Okay. Great. Ah what . [ troll speaking troll language ] [ roaring ] hello there friend hi hey there. Im an Imaginary Friend of a kid just like you. Youre going through a lot right now and i know youre scared. But youre stronger than you know. But look, well get through this together. And remember. We at the Imaginary Friends society always have your back from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. cheers and applause trevor thank you so much, everybody whats going on, people . Whats going on . Welcome