laughter Angela Merkel gave greet a deal dealing with greece is like the economic equivalent to sitting on greeces chest, pinning down their hands and drooling into their mouth or as the germans call it, foreplay. laughter theres another tragic attack, chattanooga, five servicemen lost their lives. When will this end . I dont know how ill talk about any of this. Donald trump is at it again cheers and applause jon and then he appeared. laughter donald trump. The patron saint of topical comedians who are just running out the clock. I mean, look. We did just have two weeks off from talking about trump, a dumbspringa, i called it. Just out of curiosity, what is he at again . Unleashing his latest political firestorm on a new target, this time john mccain. Hes not a war hero. Trump in iowa going directly after the arizona senator and former Navy Fighter Pilot who spent five and a half years as a p. O. W. Hes a war hero because he was captured. I like people who werent captured, i have to tell ya. Jon hey hold on just laughter and you know, if i may, bleep cancer survivors, too laughter , no let me just say, please, i like people who dont get carnes. I like laughter let me tell you something, i like winners, those are the people whose bodies dont suffer from an uncontrollable division of abnormalle cells attacking their organs. Those are the people we should be making wishes and running marathons for, winners, winners, winners, winners cheers and applause trump 2016. Trumps bold laughter p. O. W. S oh, were going out on a high note trumps p. O. W. S arent hero raise questions of what the bleep is wrong with him . When youre criticized or attack, you often respond with name calling using terms like dummy, loser, total losers on twitter an and elsewhere. You even demean some peoples physical appearance. Is that something you will continue doing if youre president . People attack me. You say physical appearance. Its my hair. People are constantly attacking my hair. I dont see you coming to my defense. My hair is just fine. laughter jon first things first your hairs not fine. Now, i agree, attacking someones physical appearance is a cheap blow but that hair . That is comedy entrapment laughter people are not attacking your hair. They are defending themselves from something that appears like its about to attack them wil laughter i smell a new pixar movie laughter trumps comments clearly caught on tape. Trump had no choice but to recognize he had misspoken and take the honorable way out. Im just bleep with ya heres what he did. Why did savannah start out by saying i said he wasnt a war hero. He was a war hero. Savannah started it off by saying i didn i said he wasntr hero. I didnt say that. Jon i swore you could have. He is not a war hero jon yeah, lets watch it upside down. He is not a war hero. Jon no, still better there, but still sounds like he said hes not a war hero. Let me see a little sesame street vibe hes not a war hero. Jon that appears to be brought to you by the letter you said it he is a war hero. I said that. They dont want to play it. If you would have let it run another three seconds, you would have seen i said very clearly, he is a war hero. Hes a war hero because he was captured. Jon so you said hes not a war hero. The guy next to you goes, hes a war hero. And you go, well, hes a war hero because he got captured. So, really, does calling someone a war hero count if youre doing it sarcastically . Hes not a war hero, but, all right, he is a war hero, fine, he got captured. Whatever. applause but, of course, who better to talk about sacrifice in wartime than donald trump. I had student deferment and medical deferment because of my feet. I had a bone spur. Jon okay, gi et that as a man who is also constantly suffering from medical conditions that arent real i will say a bone spur is very painful. Its the kind of pain you never forget. Which foot do you have a bone spur in . I dont know, its in the records. laughter jon right or left, one of those two. I dont know. Probably the one i dont normally have in my mouth. laughter listen dont flame out now ive got to squeeze three more weeks of this in youre at the point where even your fellow republican candidates, people trying very hard to not recognize what a terrible person are now are. Its ridiculous. Denounce donald trump for that. Donald trump owes every American Veteran and in particular john mccain an apology. Jeb bush is saying enough with the slanderous attacks. Senator john mccain and all our veterans, particularly p. O. W. S, have earned our respect and admiration. Jon yes, at long last does the man who accused the vast a majority of mexican immigrants of being drugaddicted rapists have no sense of decency . laughter but theyre right theyre right applause i so love this man laughter i really feel like hes some sort of jewish holiday waiting to happen. Like, we thought the craziness would only last a day. But by a miracle, it burned for eight, ten, holy bleep thats what we should call it, holy bleep ka laughter why is everybody surprised about trump . The only thing you like him is because of the terrible things hes willing to say about obama. But he has no control over the vomit of dickishness that comes out of his mouth his word puke will get on you you should have known that, you have been down this road before nancy pelosi is a ding bat. Waterboarding is how we baptize terrorists. Jon once you cast the spell laughter and bring an internet comment to life, it no longer belongs you. Only this time, the chatroom troll emoji youve con injured has 10 billion of its own money. You thought a word salad was hard to shake . Wait till you get trump dump on you. And when you bundle your home and Auto Insurance through progressive, youll save a bundle [ laughs ] jamie. Right. Make a bad bundle joke, a buck goes in the jar. I guess thats just how the cookie bundles. Now, youre gonna have two bundles of joy im not pregnant. Im gonna go. [ tapping, Cash Register dings ] there you go. [ buzzing ] bundle bee coming it was worth it saving you a bundle when you bundle now, thats progressive. Summer days drifting away, to, uh oh, those Summer Nights well oh oh oh oh tell me more, tell me more. Twizzlerize your summer fun with twizzlers. The twist you cant resist. Is as easy as it gets. Wouldnt it be great if hiring plumbers, carpenters and even piano tuners. Were just as simple . Thanks to angies list, now it is. Start shopping online. From a list of top rated providers. Visit angieslist. Com today. Anything. Anywhere. Anytime. Anyone. Spread the delicious taste you know and love. Hersheys is mine, yours, our chocolate spreads. Weve been compromised . Dont let hunger kill your game. Hot pockets brings you new snack bites. Bitesize hot pockets sandwiches with 100 real cheese. Guys im back new snack bites from. Hot pockets cheers and applause jon the more the more development in Donald Trumps president ial bid because, you know, why not, nothing else really is fun to talk about, we turn to senior election correspondent Jordan Klepper whos at the trump hotel. Thanks for joining us. Jordan, a month in the trump campaign, and he has already managed to alienate most of his own party. I know. The man is truly an inspiration. Jon wait a minute. An inspiration . To whom . Well, to me, to my hedge fund manager, to frat boys everywhere, jon. Dont you see, donald trump could very well be our first openly asshole president. laughter applause jon come on. That cant be true. What about andrew jackson, hes an asshole. No, jackson was a compassionless killing machine. Jon warren harding. A dickhead, not an asshole. Its nuance, but a difference. Jon nixon. Nixon, clearly an asshole. Gaping. A gaping asshole but closeted. Nixons assholishness went unconfirmed until the tapes leaked but trump, on the other hand, says it loud and proud. Im here, im an asshole, get used to it you mexican rapist losers. Jon i admit it. I never thawed about it. Jon, clearly, you are prejudiced against asshole americans. Jon thats totally not true, jordan. I have very Close Friends who are assholes. Really . Jon yep. Like who . Paul rudd. Paul rudd is an asshole. cheers and applause jon thank you for the shoutout, buddy really, this is the best asshole you could come up with . Jon hey, klepper, i just bleep your man while your da dad watched. You piece of bleep . Trump 2016 applause i stand corrected. That guys a real asshole. Jon i get it now, Trumps Campaign is a step forward for assholes everywhere. A giant leap for ass kind. Let me tell you a story about a little boat. People used to say to me to him, little boy, you will never be president. Youre way too big an asshole, jordan lilt boy. Then hed cry myself to sleep listening to nickel back. Do you know who that little me was, jon . Jon it was you. No, it was me, jon, me but today is a new day, not just for me but the little assholes at home sassing their underpaid cleaning woman, running the first puppy mill or clapping at the wrong parts of wall street, now those assholes can dream. So we say thank you donald trump for being such a tremendous asshole jon jordan, that was beautiful. Thank you. Thank you, john. By the way, i also bleep your mom while your dad watched. Jon my dads passed away, jordan. Sorry. Paul rudd makes it look so easy before earning enough cash back from bank of america to buy a new gym bag. Before earning 1 cash back everywhere, every time and 2 back at the grocery store. Even before he got 3 back on gas. Kenny used his bankamericard cash rewards credit card to join the wednesday night league. Because he loves to play hoops. Not jump through them. Thats the excitement of rewarding connections. Apply online or at a bank of america near you. [ laughter ] [ beeping ] [ laughs ] [ siren wailing ] [ male announcer ] theyll see you before you see them. Cops are cracking down on drinking and driving. Drive sober, or get pulled over. Cops are cracking down on drinking and driving. Everyday, millions of amazing photos and videos are shot with iphone. Thats because the iphone makes it easy for everyone to shoot amazing photos and video. If its not an iphone, its not an iphone. Give it to me im worth it. Baby im worth it. Uh huh im worth it. Gimme gimme im worth it. Give it to me im worth it. Baby im worth it. Hello, ladies. Do you wanbear glove to smell. Like sophistication . Bear glove then try old spice swagger. Bear glove [repeatedly] i apologize. He means bear glove no i dont. Bear glove stop it. [old spice whistle] cheers and applause welcome back my guest tonight, a guy called antman look, this is going to get weird. Its freaky but safe. No reason to be scared. Oh, no, i dont get scared. Really . Good. Thats witchcraft. Thats amazing. Thats David Copperfield stuff. Thats wizardly. How did you do that, bro dont freak out. Look at your shoulder. What i thought you didnt get scared jon ladies and gentlemen, paul rudd cheers and applause jon well do this together. Together. laughter jon heres what im going to miss, so 12 shows, people say, what are you going to miss . One thing, paul rudds effortless sensuality. cheering you are your own perfume. Eau de rudd. Oh, that is so nice. You know what im going to miss . Jon no. Everything. Jon what like, all of these people. Jon aw it is everything. Jon everything. It is always a grind, you have to promote, you do all these shows, and theyre fun by, every time, jon, with you, its different. Everybody feels that way jon unlike the other shows, and i think you will back me up on this, i dont prepare. Thats why were a Perfect Match laughter jon i cant believe youre a superhero you used to be just some guy Walking Around the neighborhood looking nice, and now youre a superhero youre in the marvel universe. Youre an antman say it like a jersey guy. Ann manhunt. Jon sounds like if im not wrong anthony man. Or antony. I have the ability to hem a pair of pants in 30 minutes jon you know whats sad you want a cuff . Jon if you were antman, your parents would probably say to you, youre small for a superhero. Yeah, hes little, but hes strong, strong. Ten times his weight burks his weight is not much laughter you know what . He could stand to eat more. Have some. This is what we aspire to as young nerdish fellows to be in the superhero movie is the pinnacle of being a nerd. It is the pinnacle. I cant believe that i am here, that im in the world, that im in the marvel universe. Jon its crazy, because youre not good in movies laughter not even close. Jon and youre rewarded an heroic, strong, going to save the world laughter jon are you done with this yet . Yeah, we finished the movie. Its in theaters now. Jon is this your last show . I have been doing kind of, like, this promotion and this is my favorite way to end this. Jon this show has a always been and remains, for me, the caboose of show business. laughter we are that last car on the train. Maybe theres a guy sitle there quietly jerking off under his rain coat, and theres me. And you come into that car after traversing that entire, long train and you sit down and you just say to yourself, lets get this bleep over with. I would make one change to that. Youre assuming im already on the train. If youre the caboose, im the guy on that little cart thats chasing you with the little handheld thing you see in cartoons. laughter applause jon i love it. Youre a fine man. Ive always enjoyed our conversations, i hope to have many more, and not just when we pass each other on the streets, for gods sake. I love you, jon stewart audience reacts jon just to clarify, that was in the prompter. laughter that was not it was a beautiful reading, but that was in the prompter. Thank you. Jon antman in theaters now. Superhero paul rudd. cheers and applause and when you bundle your home and Auto Insurance through progressive, youll save a bundle [ laughs ] jamie. Right. Make a bad bundle joke, a buck goes in the jar. I guess thats just how the cookie bundles. Now, youre gonna have two bundles of joy im not pregnant. Im gonna go. [ tapping, Cash Register dings ] there you go. [ buzzing ] bundle bee coming it was worth it saving you a bundle when you bundle now, thats progressive. Somesubway doesntink have enough flavor. Im here to help em think differently. So what are you having today . You know that sandwich you always get . Turkey breast on 9grain wheat. Italian bmt . I can make it even better. You ever try this toasted with monterrey cheddar . You know what, why not, yeah. You and me working together, like were singing the same tune in perfect harmony. Ok how about we spice this up a little bit . Some red onions, some sweet onion sauce . That sounds amazing. You can lead, ill back you up. Oh yeah come on in, lets rock this sandwich together. Subway. Eat fresh. Weve been compromised . Dont let hunger kill your game. Hot pockets brings you new snack bites. Bitesize hot pockets sandwiches with 100 real cheese. Guys im back new snack bites from. Hot pockets cheers and applause jon that is all but before we go, check out larry larry at the nightly show what do you have in store for us tonight . Seriously, so much happened while we were on break. Jon give me a hint okay, then. I bought a new pair of shoes. Jon yeah, that doesnt seem like that big a deal, but come on, theyre special shoes, scientifically engineered by expert foot doctors. Jon for what purpose, larry . Kicking cosbys ass cheers and applause jon all right, guess well see you in a minute. Thanks very much. See you in a bid. Everybody, tomorrow night, the president will be joining us not of the United States laughter just the french club. Here is your moment of zen. John mccain goes, oh, boy, trump makes my life difficult. He had 15,000 crazies show up. Crazies. He called them all crazy. I said, they werent crazy. They were great americans. If you would have seen these people i know what a crazy is. I kn tonightly Hillary Clinton meets with black lives matter activists. I havent seen a white woman that stressed out since someone asked iggy azalea to freestyle. laughter damn. laughter yes, hillary met privately with activists backstage at a campaign event. Its all part of her groundbreaking new initiative black primary votes matter. laughter cheers and applause and gop candidate marco rubio tosses a football and hits a kid in the face. laughter oh hey, at least hes finally made an impact laughter this is the nightly show lets do this cheers and applause