Jon josh gad whats up. Do you want to leave the show, man jon oh, you played olaf the snowman in frozen. Thats right, i did. Im a show business god, jon. Jon among eightyearolds. Disney money, bitch cheers and applause wow, wow. Jon. Jon. This is intense. So many so many old faces. Jon rob corddry. I cant even believe youre back here. Come on, give me some sugar. No, no. Jon rob corddry, everybody. I cant im like im like knocked out here. I didnt want to do this. Its very embarrassing. Its just that everybody here, you guys, youre like family. You know, especially you, jon. Jon thank you, rob. You youre like the brother i never had. Jon thank you so much, rob, except i think you have a brother. laughter . No, nope. I dont eye dont think youre right rite about that. Jon i think you have a brother, rob, and i think his name is nate, and he actually was a correspondent here, too, nate corddry. No, nate does not ring a bell. Jon no, it was. cheers and applause i think you do. Im nate corddry. Im your brother. Come on, corddry come on, corddry come on i told you to wait in the car in the trunk of the car go i am sorry, jon. You should check in with your other correspondents. Jon all right, im all right,il let me wait, whats that sound . Ill check in with another correspondent lord vader . Is that you . Stewart. I am more machine than man. Twistd and evil. Responsible for the deaths of bill yons of sentient beings. But it has come to my attention you have been comparing me to dick cheney. laughter that seems a bit harsh. Jon i just thought it was something sith lordy about you and him and i just thought let us be clear, there is the dark side and then whatever he called his sick thing. Jon i didnt mean it. Anger leads to hate, and hate leads to shooting your friend in the face. laughter applause . Jon thank you, lord vader. Wow, that was that was intense. Sith lord as a correspondent. You know, speaking of shooting, lets go overseas to our middle east correspondent bassem youssef. Bassem, are you there. Jon, i knew they would eventually get to you. Who shut you down, the white house . The secret police . Thanks, obama. Jon no, no ones shutting show down. Im leaving because i want to. Whoa. Thats it. Jon yeah. What a pussy. Jon oh,. Jon, its me jon michael che . Hey, whats up. You know, michael, its great to see you but you were a correspondent for three weeks. I dont know if it warranted a full cameo. Maybe some of us like changing jobs before the ass groove in our desk chair is old enough to vote. Jon i have to say that hurt a little bit. I tried to do a good thing and let you do some bits for us, and then we could go through and get and get some applause actually, hey, trevor, could you give me, like, 20 more minutes . Oh, im so sorry. Jon its great to see you. Its going to be great. Im so excited for you. Just real quick if you dont mind. Jon oh, sure. Thank you, brother, i appreciate it. Well do it later. cheers and applause you know what . That remind me, its not the first time that theyve had to retailor the suits here. Youre finally getting canceled, jon. I hate to stay, but i knew you were going to run this thing into the ground. Jon its good to see you, too, greg. Jon jon olivia munn olivia, how are you . Congratulations jon olivia, thank you so much. So nice to see you. Of course,. Jon how are you . You didnt have to bring me a cake. Thats lovely. Of course, i did, its your 70th birthday. Jon not my 70th. First of all, its not my birthday, and im not 70. What is it, like, 75 no, you do not like 80 jon no, its neither one of these. This is lovely why are you on oh, my god come on, jon ive come to take you out of here, buddy hey, munn, whats up, girl. Jon riggle, what are you doing . Put me down, riggle. No way, jose. Youre coming with me if you want to live. Jon were having a nice celebration here. Theres no reason to go rambo. You sweet, naive, frail, tiny little yes, did i say frail. Jon you did say frail. Do you have any idea the trail of hate that youve left behind . Roll 212. Im paul brown, c. E. O. Of arbys, brought to you tonight by jon stewart. Jon stewart, its like a tv threw up on your face. Ill never forget you, jon, but i will be trying. Good riddance, smart ass. Dont go. Come back. Jon, ill being sarcastic. And just when im running for president. What a bummer. See you, pipsqueak. What has nine and a half fingers and wont miss you at all . This guy. Jon, i just dont know what to say. Im sure youll, missed by somebody. Un, there are a lot of things happening around the world that keep me up at night which is why ive relied on you to put me to sleep. Have fun feeding your rabbits. Im jon stewart. Im dumb, im stewart. Nahnah so long. cheers and applause jon im not going to say that didnt sting a little bit. That was awesome. Jon ed helms whats up, baby . You look great. Jon its so great to see you, ed and its wonderful to see you jon thats right, you did love to sing. I do. I like to sing. I like to make movies with my friends, and, of course, i have my real passion, which is rung the Rocky Mountain institute for men hoget more distinguished and handsome as they age. cheers and applause . Jon ive heard of that. And actually, its kind of nice that youre here because im going to be having some free time. Perhaps i could stop by the institute. Um just for a quick visit at the no. Jon all right. I mean, yeah, i guess youre right jon jon what the is that . I know that voice. I know that voight voice. Is that wyatt . Wyatt, where are you . Where are you, wyatt . cheers and applause hey, wyatt i cant hear you for crazy aapplause. Yeah. Jon are you across the street . Maybe. Jon you look like youre right across the street. Are you coming over . Im thinking about it. I got some balls in the air. Jon all right. You good . Yeah, im good. You good . Jon yeah, im good. Id love to see you. Ill think about it. My social medias ploag up. Jon i hear you. Hey, jon hey jon what the . Hey, jon jon lets check in one last time at guatanamo bay with our old friend, gitmo hey, gitmo yay yay what a great day yay jon oh, my god, gitmo. Gitmo and jon stewart finally getting out. Yay hooray for gitmo. Jon gitmo, i got some news, im leaving but they didnt ever really close guantanamo. Im going gitmo. Not leaving . Only jon stewart . Jon yeah. bleep aarrgg jon well get you out of there, gitmo. Well get you out of there cheers and applause i have to say, jon, i just have to say, working here meant the world to me. I have such great memories, starting with my very first day. So lets just dive in. Jon sure. I remember for breakfast there were egg sandwiches and i chose the egg whites, because youre getting the protein, you know youre getting the protein, but also youve leaving yourself open for a second sandwich. So thats why with egg whites jon this is all fascinating. Were going to have to pick up the pace just a smidge. No, no, no, jon, we cant. When something is important its worth taking the time to discuss it in depth. Im talking 15, 18, even 20 minutes if necessary. Oise oiz what, are you doing. Jon eventually we have to go to commercial. Hold on. What the bleep is a commercial . What are you talking about . Youre talking madness, boy. cheers and applause jon wow, this is this is i have to say, ladies and gentlemen, this is amazing. Thats it. My thanks to everybody. Over all these years, when you look at the talent thats passed through these doors it would have been hard to screw this show up. I just want to thank everybody who lent their talents to this program. It meant the world. cheers and applause i understand. Calm down. I get it. Thank you. Thank you. Just a moment Stephen StephenStephen StephenStephen Stephen cheers just a moment. Arent you forgetting someone, jon . You cant possibly leave without saying goodbye to ye your sam. laughter jon wait. Whos sam . I am, jon. laughter jon what am i diane . What is this cheers . I dont understand. No, jon, dont you see . Youre frodo. Jon youre saying im frodo. Why arent you frodo. Jon, one of us is adult sized ansizedand doesnt have hairy t. Jon point taken. Jon, like frodo, you are leaving us on a voyage to the unlying land. Jon im just going to new jersey. For 16 years, you and your basic cable fellowship of funny, the ring of power and trudged up the steep slopes of mount doom. Whats the metaphor of ring . Simple, jon, the ring of power is a metaphor for power, the power to be a player in the world of media and washington politics. Jon i dont really want that. Jon, you know who else didnt want that . Jon frodo. Your words, jon. Frodo thought siewrl sauron would know they meant to destroy the ring, but i dont have to tell wha gandaff said about tha. Jon youre just going to tell me that, arent you he said, and im parfraigz here even if i could do it verbaitin if i wanted. He said, my fellow americans, it has not entered into saurons darkest dreams that we would destroy this hideous power. And in the metaphor here, power also stood for power. Jon i just want to say that i am so touched that everybody could be here tonight. And me, too, jon. Is there a party or anything . Because i brought a lot of people from cbs. And i told them that i know you. Jon yes, there is a party. And you can go to it stephen colbert, everybody. Well be right back. cheers and applause actually, jon, jon, actually, no, please sit down. Actually, jon, were not quite done. Jon dont do this. Just a moment, jon. You cant stop anyone because they dont work for you anymore. Huge mistake, jon. It will be quick if you just hold still. Jon, ive been asked and have the privilege to Say Something to you that is not on the prompter right now. Jon please dont do this. Heres the thing jon, you said to me and many other people to never thank you because we owe you nothing. It is one of the few times ive known you to be dead wrong. We owe you and not just what you did for our career by employing us to come on this tremendous show that you made we owe you because we learned from you. We learned from you by example how to do a show with intention, how to work with clarity, how to treat people with with respect. You were infuriatingly good at your job. cheers and applause okay. All of us, all of us, who were lucky enough to work with you and you can edit this out later all of us who were lucky enough to work with you for 16 years are better at our jobs because we got to watch you do yours. And we are better people for having known you. You are a great artist and a good man. And personally, i do not know how this son of a poor appalachian miner i do not know, i do not know what i would do if you hadnt brought me on this show. Id be back in those hills mining birds. Jon, you know by now, id have id have dung lung. So, jon and its almost over. Jon all right. Know you are not asking for this, but on behalf of so many people whose lives you changed over the past 16 years, thank you. And now, i believe your line correct me if im wrong yes. Is well be right back. Jon well be right back. cheers and applause new at applebees. Get your favorite apps 1 2 price twice a day. Every weekday and late night. Yeah. Things are definitely looking up. Get 1 2 price apps late afternoons, and as always, late night. New and only at applebees. If you want a paint thats more than just easy to scrub. If you want a paint that actually repels dirt and grime. If you want a paint that stands up to lifes wear and tear. Only this can. Regal select from benjamin moore. Paint like no other. I really want a cupcake, but not the calories. Lil sweet sliding down the bannister. Ouuuh is someone cryin cuz they cant have a cupcake . I, i didnt cry. On the inside you did. Lil sweet can here that. He can . Dont worry, lil sweet brought you some sweeeet zero calorie treats called diet dr peppers. Oh yeaahhh. That is sweet. Lil sweet defying gravity is that lil sweet . Diet dr pepper. Its the sweet one. A nation of checkers. Missing this moment. To check all of the other moments. Really, mom . Just one look. Theyll never notice. Checkers, you can keep failing at trying to sneak a peek. Or, you can change the way you check your phone. Its 30 in the first. Howd you do that . Magic. The Samsung Galaxy s6 edge, with discreet edge notifications. Get 200 or more when you buy a galaxy s6 or s6 edge and trade in an eligible smartphone. We arent looking for just any were looking for the ones ready to take classes after day jobs, after kids go to bed, before the sun comes up. On a campus, on a kitchen table, on a countertop, or all of the above. And who want professors wholl work with them in all those places. Because these students arent afraid to work hard, and deserve a university that isnt either. If youre that kind of student, youre our kind of different. Devry university. Different. On purpose. So this beauty can be yours and 10 financing. Ment oh larry, lawrence. Thanks to the tools and help at experian. Com, i know i have a 798 fico score. [score alert text sound] [score alert text sound] oh. Thats the sound of my Interest Rate going down. According to this score alert, my fico score just went up to 816. 816. 816 816 fico scores are used in 90 of credit decisions. So get your credit swagger on. Go to experian. Com, become a member of experian credit tracker, and take charge of your score. cheers and applause jon hey, everybody. Welcome back not sure not sure what you missed during the commercial break. Ah so, so, okay. laughter you know, one of the things the thing im going to miss most about this place is the people i work with. They are amazing. Every conversation we have is illuminating, uplifting. There are days where you come in and the confusion and the fog is everywhere, and the people here never fail to have my back on those moments. Somebody in the building bringing inspiration, ideas, tenacity, hard work its the thing im proudest of, of this place. Its not the show. Its the process of the show. Its the people of the show and the atmosphere poo. Ive been in show business for a long time and worked in lots of different atmospheres in zeroing levels of toxicity, and this is the most beautiful place i have been and ill never have that again and i had to come to terms with that before leaving knowing what i was walking away from, and i can tell you what each of these individual individuals isd what they have brought to us, but i really thought rather than you watching me dissolve into a puddle again, id rather let you meet them. As far back as i can remember, i always wanted to be a comic. Comics were the coolest guys around after athletes, movie stars, sirngz, carneys, narcs, but after that, comics. For 17 years i got to do it with the people in this building. My crew. If something had to be done if you know what i mean we took care of that thing for you. Jon i know what they mean. Every day wed meet up at our favorite hangout, the office. There was, of course, cool zach. How you doing, guy. Jon and the writers, the bread baker and cage. If hut is a species, why did he call himself jawf at hut. Its like an epithet, like jimmy the geek. Nerds. Theres zbone, joan, dlaifery, trayvon, midwest alley. Im from colorado jon there was beauty mcflad, and beauty mcflad, and beauty mcflad. Were different people. Jon you have to be quiet walking past. And sean. Hed made sure everything we said was correct, and thats why i called him the researchinator. You never once called me that. Jon these poor soles did the hardest job of all, watching the news all day. Juliette, liza. Brunch man. And, of course, gagagoo. Hey, jay. Taxler. James francis and mel kerrs. Donald trump Just Announced hes running for president. sirens . All hands on deck jon we should probably go. Denny wires had the whole place wired. Off to production. The hurt locker. Dev. Donnie appleseed, and brittany. Its for the show jon sure, it is. Theres lisa. And then theres that guy doesnt work here. I dont know who that guy is. And, of course, the prop master. It took 36 months to build. Build another one. I saw the pool on the roof. I like it. Jon accounting laundered moved the money. Lisa, christie. Jon, hey, go buy yourself something nice. Jon dont mind if i do. Sometimes the stories didnt come to us. Thats when the Field Department was for. We sent outer correspondents out into the world and used their miles to get discounts at amazon. There was nate, j. B. , and moxies dad, and polly. And the producers. Im not jewish. Jon no one believes that here. Youre going to do a great job. Just answer the questions directly. Jon now if you really want to know who ran the joint, you had to hit the executive suite. Hey, fellas. What are you doing there . Are you playing cards . Did i interrupt . Ill go. Meow. Heartbreak hill. She booked all the guests. He wants to talk to you. I think hes a little mad. Hey, jon,un you ripped me off for the last time of goodfell as, okay. Youll hear from my lawyers soon. Jon i dont know what hes talking about. And aib and felipe, antonio. And the maestro at the editing bay. The doctor. Im open. Im always open. Nick, and wheres zuzu. Are we going to have to edit this later . Its one take. Jon and i spin the camera and we end up in the graphics cage. Joe hogan, maddie, and jenny. Finally small victory. There was hasan. And polly p. I need 10 minutes. Jon why . My sons are sick, boss. Jon the control room. Christina, tim, rob, zoe. Whats up, pauley. And the big man, chuck. Cant forget rocky andrian. Ready, camera, three . Hey, hey, anyone out there know why fruit makes you burp. Jon hey, mikey. Another paul on warmup jan and marilyn. And the capos. Greenberg. We lost a minute on the fees. We need that. The network approved the joke. Finally, a bald joke on the daily show. Jon finally we had hey, guys. Hi. Jon correspondents. Finally, the studio where it all came together. Philly phil. Chris. Richie on jib. Franco. T. D. , mike, qig, and, of course, spin. Here we go. Heres the show cheers and applause jon theatre best in the business. Well be right back. cheers and applause im going to college, but also launching a new start up. Well these 2in1s come with a fast and powerful intel core processor, which means youll have everything you need to take on whatever college or the real world might throw your way. Thats it thats it here you go. Get all the technology you need to prep for your best year yet. Save 100 on select 2in1 laptops plus get great offers with our exclusive College Student deals. 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And now i feel like i should probably Say Something. So maybe one last time, maybe a little if you want to maybe a little camera three. cheers and applause bullshit is everywhere. laughter are the kids still here . laughter applause well deal with that later . Bullshit is everywhere. There is very little you will encounter in life that has not been, in some ways, infused with bullshit not all of it bad. General daytoday free ranch is often necessary, or at least innocuous. Oh, what a beautiful baby. Im sure hell grow into that head. That kind of bullshit in many ways provides important social contracts fertilizers and keeps people from make each other cry all day. But then theres the more pernicious bullshit, your premeditated institutional bullshit designed to obscure and distract. Designed by whom . The bullshit talkers. Comes in three basic flavors, one, making bad things sound like good things. Organic allnatural cupcakes. Because factory made sugar oatmeal balls doesnt sell. Patriot act, because are you scared enough to let me look at all your phone records act, doesnt sell. Whenever something is titled freedom, fairness, family, health, and america, take a good long sniff. Chances are its been manufactured in a facilitate that may contain traces of bullshit. cheers and applause number two, the second way, hiding the bad things under mountains of bullshit. Complexity you know, i would love to download drizzys latest meek mill dis. Everyone promised me that that made cents. laughter applause but im not really interested right now in reading tolstoys itunes agreement, so ill just click agree even if it grants apple prima noctae with my spouse. Heres another one simply put, simply put, banks shouldnt be able to bet your pension money on red. Bullshitly put, its hey, this. Doddfrank. Hey, a hand sm of billionaires cant buy our lexingtons, right . , of course, not, they can only pour unlimited anonymous cash into 501c6 and 527 unless theyre gonna be doing 50 issue education at i think theyre asleep now. We can sneak out. applause and finally finally, its the bullshit of infinite possibility. These bullshitters cover their unwillingness to act under the guise of unending inquiry. We cant do anything because we dont yet know everything. We cannot take action on Climate Change until everyone in the world agrees gay marriage veex wont cause our children to marry goats who are going to come for our guns. cheers and applause now, the good news is this bullshitters have gotten pretty lazy, and their work is easily detected. And looking for it is a pleasant way to pass the time like an i spy of bullshit. I say to you tonight friends the best defense against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, Say Something. laughter applause well be right back. 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The truth is, in ten years that toyota will be mine. At our annual clearance event, get 0 apr financing for 60 months on a bold 2015 camry. Offer ends september 8th. For great deals on other toyotas, visit toyota. Com. Youve invested wisely. Thanks. Toyota. Lets go places. Hey searching for a great usyou got it just say show me millions of used cars for sale at the all new carfax. Com where now you can search with the power of carfax®. Just say show me cars with no accidents reported. Boom or how about show me cars with only one owner. Pretty cool plus, were the only site where you get a free carfax® report with every car listed. So find the cars you want. Avoid the ones you dont start your used car search at carfax. Com hellim jenn mcallister ld and today im going to give you a quick lesson about my dell 2in1 this is my 2in1. This is my 2in1. This is my 2in1. Its a super thin laptop and a tablet. Plus, intel makes it super fast even when im using, like, a ton of programs at once. And that my parent friends is how i can do the most with just one computer. Dell 2in1s with windows 10 and intel inside. Buy a pc for 699. 99 and get a free 32inch tv. This is so great, date night. Just the three of us. Im just sayin. And this is such a good movie too. I mean at the end when its revealed the grandmother. Shhhh. I mean at the end when its revealed the grandmother. Did it. Are you. Would you be quiet . Would you be quiet and move your gigantic head . Its like hello . I cant see the screen. Dude. Its like hello . I cant see the screen. Ah hey, was that jordan . Whoa thats cold. Now all hanes underwear is tagless. cheers and applause jon that is our program. Now, there are so many people to thank that i cannot plausibly do it in the amount of time allotted. Comedy central gave me this opportunity 16 and a half years ago. The people that worked here, gave me the talent and inspiration to develop it over all those years. Its the most incredible place. Honestly, today, it still feels like a dream a little bit, and Walking Around the building today, nobody was making eye contact because i think theres so much love and pride filling the building right now, that we just dont want to drown it in saline. So theres a lot of this so the script is ready . Uhhuh. So everybody is making moves with salty goggles on. So i just eye cant thank the people who work here enough, and i cant thank Comedy Central enough and i cant thank the audience enough. Your support and enthusiasm over the years. cheers and applause has brought to us dont dont think that the energy that you put out is not received on those days where we just feel like we dont have it. We love you jon im very fond of you as well, sir. It seemed awfully gravelly. laughter i want to thank my wife, tracy, and my kids, nate and maggie. cheers and applause not going to look over there. For teaching me what joy looks like. And. An artist i really admire once said he thinks of his career as a long conversation with the audience, a dialogue. And i really like that metaphor for many Different Reasons but the main one is because it takes away the idea of finality. This is just its a conversation. This show isnt ending. Were merely taking a small pause in the conversation, a conversation, which, by the way, i have hogged and i apologize for that. applause i never i really i should have at some point turned the camera around and said, do you guys have anything to add . Ive really been dominating this in a very selfish way. But i thought that was a remarkable way of getting to that nothing ends. Its just a continuation. Its a pause in the conversation. So rather than saying goodbye or good night, im just going to say im going to go get a drink. And im sure ill see you guys before i leave. So thats our show. I thank you so much for the privilege of being able to perform it for you, for the privilege of being able to do it. So here it is, my moment of zen. cheers and applause this is by request from the man himself. Thanks for everything, jon. We wish you happy and safe travels. One, two, three. Grab your ticket and your suitcase thunders rolling down this track. Dont know where youre going now, but know you wont be back well darlin, if youre weary lay your head upon my chest well take what we can carry and well leave the rest well, big wheels roll through fields where sunlight streams meet me in a land of hope and dreams i will provide for you, stand by your side youll need a good companion now for this part of your ride leave behind your sorrows this day be the last well, tomorrow there will be sunshine and all this darkness past big wheels roll through fields where sunlight streams meet me in a land of home and dreams well, this train carries saints and sinners this train carries losers and winners this train carries whores and gamblers this train carries lost souls this train dreams will not be thwarted this train will not be thwarted. This train faith will be rewarded this train hear the steel wheels singing this train bells of freedom ringing. People get ready train coming in. Dont need no ticket captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org born to run playing