Basic cable fellowship of funny the ring of power and trudged up the steep slopes of mount doom. Whats the metaphor of ring . Simple, jon, the ring of power is a metaphor for power the power to be a player in the world of media and washington politics. Jon i dont really want that. Jon, you know who else didnt want that . Jon frodo. Your words, jon. Frodo thought siewrl sauron would know they meant to destroy the ring, but i dont have to tell what gandaff said about that. Jon youre just going to tell me that, arent you he said, and im parfraigz here even if i could do it verbaitin if i wanted. He said, my fellow americans, it has not entered into saurons darkest dreams that we would destroy this hideous power. And in the metaphor here power also stood for power. Jon i just want to say that i am so touched that everybody could be here tonight. And me, too, jon. Is there a party or anything . Because i brought a lot of people from cbs. And i told them that i know you. Jon yes, there is a party. And you can go to it Stephen Colbert everybody. Well be right back. cheers and applause actually jon, jon actually, no please sit down. Actually, jon, were not quite done. Jon dont do this. Just a moment, jon. You cant stop anyone because they dont work for you anymore. Huge mistake, jon. It will be quick if you just hold still. Jon, ive been asked and have the privilege to Say Something to you that is not on the prompter right now. Jon please dont do this. Heres the thing jon, you said to me and many other people to never thank you because we owe you nothing. It is one of the few times ive known you to be dead wrong. We owe you and not just what you did for our career by employing us to come on this tremendous show that you made we owe you because we learned from you. We learned from you by example how to do a show with intention, how to work with clarity, how to treat people with with respect. You were infuriatingly good at your job. cheers and applause okay. All of us, all of us, who were lucky enough to work with you and you can edit this out later all of us who were lucky enough to work with you for 16 years are better at our jobs because we got to watch you do yours. And we are better people for having known you. You are a great artist and a good man. And personally, i do not know how this son of a poor appalachian miner i do not know, i do not know what i would do if you hadnt brought me on this show. Id be back in those hills mining birds. Jon you know by now, id have id have dung lung. So jon and its almost over. Jon all right. Know you are not asking for this, but on behalf of so many people whose lives you changed over the past 16 years, thank you. And now, i believe your line correct me if im wrong yes. Is well be right back. Jon well be right back. cheers and applause tim everyone tim pass the queso. Tim, we need to hang out more. Timnado tbone actually, my name is brian. New tostitos rolls chips. Bring the party. Prep trauma unit 5. Whatve we got . Bp 64 40 sterilize sites. Multiple foreign objects in the body. Tweezers. buzz buzz if youre the guy from the operation game, you get operated on. Its what you do. buzz if you want to save fifteen percent or more on Car Insurance you switch to geico. Its what you do. Attention america. Get yourself a free half gallon of dole classic lemonade with any 10 piece meal or larger purchase. Because when you buy this chicken theres free lemonade for the pickin. Its Finger Lickin good. You stream music, movies, tv stuff you shouldntwatch in public. Like that guy everythings on demand, so why wait two years to upgrade your phone . What if you made the wrong choice . Or an even wronger choice . Yeah, i know. And you hi im on this phone to tell you more about phones. Oh you actually chose wisely. Introducing jump on demand get the phone you want when you want. Including a new iphone 6 for zero up front and just 15 a month. cheers and applause jon hey everybody. Welcome back not sure not sure what you missed during the commercial break. Ah so, so, okay. laughter you know, one of the things the thing im going to miss most about this place is the people i work with. They are amazing. Every conversation we have is illuminating, uplifting. There are days where you come in and the confusion and the fog is everywhere, and the people here never fail to have my back on those moments. Somebody in the building bringing inspiration, ideas, tenacity, hard work its the thing im proudest of, of this place. Its not the show. Its the process of the show. Its the people of the show and the atmosphere poop. Ive been in show business for a long time and worked in lots of different atmospheres in zeroing levels of toxicity and this is the most beautiful place i have been and ill never have that again and i had to come to terms with that before leaving knowing what i was walking away from, and i can tell you what each of these individuals individuals is like and what they have brought to us, but i really thought rather than you watching me dissolve into a puddle again, id rather let you meet them. As far back as i can remember, i always wanted to be a comic. Comics were the coolest guys around after athletes, movie stars, sirngz, carneys narcs, but after that, comics. For 17 years i got to do it with the people in this building. My crew. If something had to be done if you know what i mean we took care of that thing for you. Jon i know what they mean. Every day wed meet up at our favorite hangout, the office. There was, of course cool zach. How you doing, guy. Jon and the writers, the bread baker and cage. If hut is a species, why did he call himself jawf at hut. Its like an epithet, like jimmy the geek. Nerds. Theres zbone, joan, dlaifery, trayvon, midwest alley. Im from colorado jon there was beauty mcflad, and beauty mcflad, and beauty mcflad. Were different people. Jon you have to be quiet walking past. And sean. Hed made sure everything we said was correct and thats why i called him the researchinator. You never once called me that. Jon these poor soles did the hardest job of all watching the news all day. Juliette, liza. Brunch man. And, of course, gagagoo. Hey, jay. Taxler. James francis and mel kerrs. Donald trump Just Announced hes running for president. sirens . All hands on deck jon we should probably go. Denny wires had the whole place wired. Off to production. The hurt locker. Dev. Donnie appleseed, and brittany. Its for the show jon sure, it is. Theres lisa. And then theres that guy doesnt work here. I dont know who that guy is. And, of course, the prop master. It took 36 months to build. Build another one. I saw the pool on the roof. I like it. Jon accounting laundered moved the money. Lisa christie. Jon hey, go buy yourself something nice. Jon dont mind if i do. Sometimes the stories didnt come to us. Thats when the Field Department was for. We sent outer correspondents out into the world and used their miles to get discounts at amazon. There was nate j. B. And moxies dad and polly. And the producers. Im not jewish. Jon no one believes that here. Youre going to do a great job. Just answer the questions directly. Jon now if you really want to know who ran the joint, you had to hit the executive suite. Hey fellas. What are you doing there . Are you playing cards . Did i interrupt . Ill go. Meow. Heartbreak hill. She booked all the guests. He wants to talk to you. I think hes a little mad. Hey, jonun you ripped me off for the last time of goodfell as okay. Youll hear from my lawyers soon. Jon i dont know what hes talking about. And aib and felipe, antonio. And the maestro at the editing bay. The doctor. Im open. Im always open. Nick, and wheres zuzu. Are we going to have to edit this later . Its one take. Jon and i spin the camera and we end up in the graphics cage. Joe hogan maddie, and jenny. Finally small victory. There was hasan. And polly p. I need 10 minutes. Jon why . My sons are sick, boss. Jon the control room. Christina, tim rob, zoe. Whats up, pauley. And the big man, chuck. Cant forget rocky andrian. Ready, camera, three . Hey, hey, anyone out there know why fruit makes you burp. Jon hey mikey. Another paul on warmup jan and marilyn. And the capos. Greenberg. We lost a minute on the fees. We need that. The network approved the joke. Finally, a bald joke on the daily show. Jon finally we had hey, guys. Hi. Jon correspondents. Finally, the studio where it all came together. Philly phil. Chris. Richie on jib. Franco. T. D. , mike qig, and, of course spin. Here we go. Heres the show cheers and applause jon theatre best in the business. Well be right back. cheers and applause [old man]two hundred years ago,i wrote a review on apartmentsdotcom and won free rent for life. Little did they know,medical advancements would double the human lifespan. Now,everyone lives in apartments and there is no war. [brad] no war. Listen to this wise man from the future. Review your apartment on apartmentsdotcom and you too could be a winner. Change your apartment. Change the world. What a view youve got. What a view. Do you like it . Do you enjoy the view . So youre a Small Business expert from at t . Yeah, give me a problem and ive got the solution. Well, we have 30 years of customer records. Our cloud can keep them safe and accessible anywhere. My drivers dont have time to fill out forms. Tablets. Keep it all digital. Were looking to double our deliveries. Our fleet apps will find the fastest route. Oh, and your boysenberry apple scones smell about done. Ahh, youre good. I like to bake. Add new Business Services with at t and get up to 500 in total savings. I thought you said you were gonna test drive this buick first. I am test driving it. For 24 hours. Wheres the salesperson . At the dealership. Nice buick i guess that testdrive last night went well. Actually, im still on it. You know, were testdriving this buick for 24 hours, right . Yeah. So what are you doing . Testwashing it. Okay, well let me know when youre done, im gonna take it testshopping. Introducing the buick 24hours of happiness testdrive. Its on your terms and a better way to take a test drive. Sonic hot dogs are great. What would you say is your favorite sonic hot dog . Forced you to pick one. Thats like asking a parent to pick between their favorite children. Pick one. Okay. Chicago dog. cause it doesnt repeat everything i say right back to her mother. With six great flavors starting at 1. 99, sonic is americas hot dog headquarters. clicks cheers and applause jon welcome back anyway about the debate. I dont have anything for you. Weve seen the correspondents. Weve met everyone who works here. And now i feel like i should probably Say Something. So maybe one last time, maybe a little if you want to maybe a little camera three. cheers and applause bullshit is everywhere. laughter are the kids still here . laughter applause well deal with that later . Bullshit is everywhere. There is very little you will encounter in life that has not been, in some ways, infused with bullshit not all of it bad. General daytoday free ranch is often necessary, or at least innocuous. Oh what a beautiful baby. Im sure hell grow into that head. That kind of bullshit in many ways provides important social contracts fertilizers and keeps people from make each other cry all day. But then theres the more pernicious bullshit, your premeditated institutional bullshit designed to obscure and distract. Designed by whom . The bullshit talkers. Comes in three basic flavors one, making bad things sound like good things. Organic allnatural cupcakes. Because factory made sugar oatmeal balls doesnt sell. Patriot act, because are you scared enough to let me look at all your phone records act doesnt sell. Whenever something is titled freedom fairness, family, health, and america take a good long sniff. Chances are its been manufactured in a facilitate that may contain traces of bullshit. cheers and applause number two, the second way, hiding the bad things under mountains of bullshit. Complexity you know, i would love to download drizzys latest meek mill dis. Everyone promised me that that made cents. laughter applause but im not really interested right now in reading tolstoys itunes agreement, so ill just click agree even if it grants apple prima noctae with my spouse. Heres another one simply put, simply put, banks shouldnt be able to bet your pension money on red. Bullshitly put, its hey, this. Doddfrank. Hey, a hand sm of billionaires cant buy our lexingtons, right . , of course, not they can only pour unlimited anonymous cash into 501c6 and 527 unless theyre gonna be doing 50 issue education at i think theyre asleep now. We can sneak out. applause and finally finally, its the bullshit of infinite possibility. These bullshitters cover their unwillingness to act under the guise of unending inquiry. We cant do anything because we dont yet know everything. We cannot take action on Climate Change until everyone in the world agrees gay marriage veex wont cause our children to marry goats who are going to come for our guns. cheers and applause now, the good news is this bullshitters have gotten pretty lazy, and their work is easily detected. And looking for it is a pleasant way to pass the time like an i spy of bullshit. I say to you tonight friends the best defense against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something Say Something. laughter applause well be right back. Attention america. Get yourself a free half gallon of dole classic lemonade with any 10 piece meal or larger purchase. Because when you buy this chicken theres free lemonade for the pickin. Its Finger Lickin good. Whatever, usa. Americas newlyminted town. A place bud light founded on fun, and filled with everything youve ever dreamed of. No, really. Everything. How did i get so lucky, to come here . And even the stuff you didnt dream of. But was way too awesome to leave out. A place reserved for people that welcome whatever comes their way. Stuff like this. And even this. They are not faint hearted. They are adventurous. Openminded. Spontaneous. And this is their playground. To these people everywhere. Cheers. Its all i wanna do [hero female] were all familiar with this axe daily fragrances which comes in a black can. But what you wouldnt have seen is this axe dry spray antiperspirant. It goes on dry and keeps you dry with no visible residue. Why are you touching your armpit . I was just checking to see if it was dry. [hero female] dont, thats weird. The first ever dry spray antiperspirant from axe. Check this out a gatorade promo. Hey, you know what its going to be like if i win a chance to play with Peyton Manning . Walk with me. We break from the huddle and i line up wide left. Nope. Wide right. Peyton steps back and looks for me, im his fave. Watch the belly button watch the belly button he launches an overthrow. I guess ill help you this time. And i do a crazy one handed grab the pigskin is in the paw youre welcome, peyton sorry, i mustve overthrown that one. Go to sweatwiththebest. Com for a chance to win athletic experiences by entering access codes from specially marked bottles. Here we go again. Another day shackled by wires. How long do we have to keep untangling for just a little taste of power . Who knew charging could be so. Draining . You can keep plugging away. Or, you can change the way you charge. The Samsung Galaxy s6 and s6 edge, with builtin Wireless Charging capabilities. Get 200 or more when you buy a galaxy s6 or s6 edge and trade in an eligible smartphone. cheers and applause jon that is our program. Now, there are so many people to thank that i cannot plausibly do it in the amount of time allotted. Comedy central gave me this opportunity 16 and a half years ago. The people that worked here, gave me the talent and inspiration to develop it over all those years. Its the most incredible place. Honestly, today, it still feels like a dream a little bit, and Walking Around the building today, nobody was making eye contact because i think theres so much love and pride filling the building right now, that we just dont want to drown it in saline. So theres a lot of this so the script is ready . Uhhuh. So everybody is making moves with salty goggles on. So i just eye cant thank the people who work here enough, and i cant thank Comedy Central enough and i cant thank the audience enough. Your support and enthusiasm over the years. cheers and applause has brought to us dont dont think that the energy that you put out is not received on those days where we just feel like we dont have it. We love you jon im very fond of you as well sir. It seemed awfully gravelly. laughter i want to thank my wife, tracy and my kids nate and maggie. cheers and applause not going to look over there. For teaching me what joy looks like. And. An artist i really admire once said he thinks of his career as a long conversation with the audience, a dialogue. And i really like that metaphor for many Different Reasons but the main one is because it takes away the idea of finality. This is just its a conversation. This show isnt ending. Were merely taking a small pause in the conversation, a conversation, which by the way, i have hogged and i apologize for that. applause i never i really i should have at some point turned the camera around and said do you guys have anything to add . Ive really been dominating this in a very selfish way. But i thought that was a remarkable way of getting to that nothing ends. Its just a continuation. Its a pause in the conversation. So rather than saying goodbye or good night, im just going to say im going to go get a drink. And im sure ill see you guys before i leave. So thats our show. I thank you so much for the privilege of being able to perform it for you for the privilege of being able to do it. So here it is, my moment of zen. cheers and applause this is by request from the man himself. Thanks for everything, jon. We wish you happy and safe travels. One, two three. Grab your ticket and your suitcase thunders rolling down this track. Dont know where youre going now, but know you wont be back well darlin, if youre weary lay your head upon my chest well take what we can carry and well leave the rest well, big wheels roll through fields where sunlight streams meet me in a land of hope and dreams i will provide for you stand by your side youll need a good companion now for this part of your ride leave behind your sorrows this day be the last well, tomorrow there will be sunshine and all this darkness past big wheels roll through fields where sunlight streams meet me in a land of home and dreams well, this train carries saints and sinners this train carries losers and winners this train carries whores and gamblers this train carries lost souls this train dreams will not be thwarted this train will not be thwarted. This train faith will be rewarded this train hear the steel wheels singing this train bells of freedom ringing. People get ready train coming in. Dont need no ticket captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org born to run playing jon thank you. Good night. Lifeits literally all we have. But is it any good . Im a reviewer but i dont review food, books, or movies. I review life itself. [screams] [triumphant music] [parrot squawks] over here. Hello, and welcome to review. Im forrest macneil, your intrepid lifeonaut and, at mission control, as always, is a. J. Gibbs. A. J. What adventure awaits . Me pressing a button. Right. Yes, but i was talking about what adventure awaits me . Oh, well my adventure comes first. Fine. Your first review comes from vicksburg, mississippi. Forrest, our son james recently came out as a homosexual. We want to be supportive but we just dont understand. Maybe if we had a better sense of what hes thinking and feeling, we might have a better idea of how to cure him. Which is an experience we both dream of having. Whats it like to cure a gay person . Ahha. Curing a gay person of being a gay person. Oh, forrest, youre gonna use one of your vetoes right . [dramatic music] [clears throat] i am, uh, permitted to deploy two vetoes this season, but its my job to decide when to do that and, uh no. No. I do not think that now is the time. No. Well, im off to, uh. Im off to cure a gay person. [whimsical music] forrest gay people have existed since people have existed. And, yet, in all that time i have never closely considered who they are or why they might need curing. I chose to begin my review with a Factfinding Mission to the gay sex shop nearest my dads house. Who is that man . forrest while there i was confronted by a big realization. Mystified. forrest it was so enormous i suddenly wondered if this review was even possible and i knew i had to consult my producer grant. Completely mystifying. Have you ever looked closely at a mans flaccid penis . It looks like something that belongs on the lightless ocean floor and what if, when a gay man looks at a womans beautiful breasts, he feels the same way. That theyre like sea blobs with nipples on them. I mean, if thats what a gay man sees when he looks at a pair of breasts, how am i supposed to change that . Its impossible. Exactly. What am i supposed to do . Well, life is a parade of people doing impossible things. Wha hey, when you quit this show to go after your exwife and she said it was too late and she rejected you. Yeah. You vanished from the face of the earth until a dog found you sleeping in a crawl space under a church. Yeah, it was a rottweiler. But what if i had told you back then that in less than a year you would turn it all around. Youd have your old job back youd be dating a great coma nurse. Oh, well, eh, no she and i broke up. Yeah, well that is exactly my point. Because you dont need her anymore because youre back out there, youre living a brandnew life. So, if you can jumpstart a brandnew life why do you think a gay person cant . Hmm. Are you so homophobic that you dont think a gay man can do what you do just because hes gay . No. Definitely gay men can do everything i can do and probably a lot better. Thank you for that. You get out there. Yeah. All right. forrest grant had given me a powerful way into this review. If i can get over my exwife then a gay person can surely get over being gay. And if a gay person cant get over being gay maybe i cant get over my exwife. But i can, and i did and so can a gay person. I am a big fan of gays and the whole gay lifestyle, but if youre tired of it, give me a call, all right . Ill straighten you out. forrest i distributed hundreds of brightlycolored fliers but received just a single response from a young man who called himself tim. Tim was a gay man who did not want to be a gay man. Unlucky for him, but a very lucky break for this review. My mom wont talk to me and my dad thinks im going to hell. You know, it gets me wondering that maybe god made me so depressed to punish me. You know, tim, i was once like you. I knew it. I knew it. Oh, no, no. I was never a homosexual. Nor was i ever attracted to men sexually. But i was once attracted to someone that i should not have been attracted to. Im talking about my exwife, suzanne. And i was able to overcome my love for her, you, tim will be able to overcome your unwanted love, too, but you have to be willing to do it. Are you willing to do it . Yes. Are you willing to work hard . Yes, ill work hard. Do you believe that we can do this together . Yes, i believe you forrest. Okay. How . How what . forrest i, of course, had no idea, but i did know that learning to unlove suzanne had been traumatic. To spare tim the same fate i turned to an expert who definitely knew what he was doing because he was once a gay man himself. I was a gay man myself once. forrest oh, okay. dr. Arnold the disease of homosexuality is rooted in the lack of masculine affection in a young mans life. As a therapist you must offer that affection in order to make his homosexuality go away. Just as my loving therapist did for me. Dashing man. Yeah. Well, how did he do that . forrest the technique was called holding. And while it may not be supported by traditional science, it was dr. Arnolds signature move. The idea was that by seating himself on my fullyclothed lap, tim would lose the desire to sit on another mans less fullyclothed lap. [whimsical music] so, how you feeling . Um, just maybe wanted to talk to you about cologne. Try to stay focused, tim. Just open your mind and tell me how you feel. Just maybe thinking about cologne and mouthwash. Shh. [alarm beeps] oh, ah okay, thats an hour. [laughs] forrest holding, while cumbersome at first, soon became an accepted part of life at my dads house. After five days with tim on my lap i decided it was time to put my subject and dr. Arnolds technique to the test. Tell me, please, what this makes you feel. Oh, it makes me feel. Very attracted to that man. [groans] forrest the power of unwanted love is strong. Wow. forrest as i myself understood all too well we would need to try harder. Put that down. I dont think its gonna be helpful to look at that. Only dove men care antiperspirant has 48 hour sweat Protection Plus 1 4 moisturizer technology. It keeps your under arms dry without irritation. Tough on sweat not on skin. [ horn honks melody ] well, well. If it isnt the belle of the ball. Gentlemen. You look well. Whats new, flo . Well, a name your price tool went missing last week. Name your what, now . It gives you Coverage Options based on your budget. I just hope whoever stole it knows that it only works at progressive. Com. So, you cant use it to just buy stuff . No. Im sorry, gustav. We have to go back to the pet store. [ gustav squawks ] hes gonna meet us there. The name your price tool. Still only at progressive. Com. When youre tired, a great tasting 5hour energy is just the thing. But what if youre tired and thirsty . Wwater. Precisely delicious and refreshing. Wow, that tastes amazing. Thats really good. Drink it straight or sip it slow. Have you tried great tasting 5hour energy lately . Hey, you want to share a cab . No, im good. Look at us. A nation of checkers. Missing this moment. To check all of the other moments. Really, mom . Just one look. Theyll never notice. Checkers, you can keep failing at trying to sneak a peek. Or, you can change the way you check your phone. Its 30 in the first. Howd you do that . Magic. The Samsung Galaxy s6 edge, with discreet edge notifications. Get 200 or more when you buy a galaxy s6 or s6 edge and trade in an eligible smartphone. With hotels. Com rewards i earn free nights that i can use at any type of hotel with no blackout dates. Which is why most of this legal copy is just instructions on how to win a free trip instructions actually written in this legal copy. Use your dvr to read them. This is the prerecorded voice of captain obvious. I am not a ventriloquist. Attention america. Get yourself a free half gallon of dole classic lemonade with any 10 piece meal or larger purchase. Because when you buy this chicken theres free lemonade for the pickin. Its Finger Lickin good