Stewart. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central jon america i thought as perhaps Teddy Roosevelt did that Legal Protections backed by the Legal Authority of the United States government if necessary could enhance all of our pursuit of liberty and happiness and lights. And what i didnt know is that to even entertain that thought makes me a progressive. [ laughter ] and i and thats not good. [ laughter ] progressives think they know better than you do. They want to control every aspect of your life. [ laughter ] jon i didnt know that that is what i wanted, but i guess i want to control every aspect of your life as progressive i might say i think its a good idea for an agency to monitor pollution. [ laughter ] but i guess what i really mean is its in the states interest that we be allowed to put a chip in your head that tells you when you can masturbate. Total control [ laughter ] and in my america nobody tells people when they can masturbate. That say decision that [cheers and applause] that that is say decision that should only be made between myself, my doctor and that new calvin klein billboard outside my office lit 24 hours a day. Not that one, the new one. No, the in one that has got that yeah. [ laughter ] shiny. [ laughter ] by the way, if you are progressive, you are not naive or a well intentioned stupid person. As glenn said you are a metastasizing malignancy on the body of politics. Perhaps our nations colon. Why are you so dangerous progressives because you cant stop. The roots of progressivism lead to fascism, evolution not revolution. Step by step one had a sickle and one a swas tick can a. On each banner read the words here in america of this social justice. [ laughter ] jon its not that believing im not saying this im saying that believing this should be a minimum standard for how much lead could be in our paint might lead to the government having rights to sterilize and kill jews. Im not saying that that might be the case. Im saying thats the case. [ laughter ] and that even though you didnt realize it, even though you didnt realize it, its been your goal the whole time. [ laughter ] where is your proof . Here is my proof. Our founders promised that our federal government would never leave this will circle. And then we drifted and we drifted and we drifted. Weed upped the circle a little bit. Teddy roosevelt took us over here. Now were into russia territory. You ask anyone who looks at Global Politics and theyll tell through china is the knew goal. Why do you think theres so many mallet hanging around the white house. Jon you dont see it, do you . Follow me, america. Follow me. Im going to show you something that is going to blow your mind. Why am i the only one who is saying it . Am i crazy or okay. [ laughter ] look at the ovals. Ovals of progressive followcy. Look, look, ovals getting larger and isnt it interesting that they go to china. It turns out that progressives abdicating for government regulations on toxins in water and our childrens toys turns us into china, the very country that has been putting toxins in water and our childrens toys. Sits so ingenious it almost [cheers and applause] its so ingenious it almost doesnt make any sense whatsoever. [ laughter ] so now youve taken us this far. Youve drawn the ovals. [ laughter ] how do we get our country back . How do we stop the cancer from progressing . Do you see . Rice comes from gods. They are given to the people. Look back to the founders. They left us messages. This is an original document from Thomas Jefferson on the 24th day in the year of our lord christ 1807 signed by Thomas Jefferson. Jon then he signed year of our lord christ. Licked the envelope, put a stamp on it and gave it to one of his slaves to take for a couple weeks to get it to maryland. My point is this its that simple. We know what to call a progressive. Cancer. What do you call someone that follows this better path. We must label without a label. We we, we, we, we would have no idea which web sites. Im not a journalist. Im a conservative. Im much more of a libertarian. Jon conservative libertarians, two great tastes that taste great together. [ laughter ] how do we get back from china, be a conservative libertarian who follows the rules of god. Hmmmm, jon, hmmmm, hmmmm, what would that look like . What could that possibly look like . What could you possibly have that would look like that . Oh, i dont know, jesus. [ laughter ] with libertarian gillette and alex p. Keaton. Look at that space on the right there what if you drew ovals from here to theocracy. What if you drew a shape like this or like this or like this to theocracy. Wait a minute, dumb guy might have a point [ laughter ] can you just draw ovals from the center to condition in the same way but back towards a theocracy. Well, theres one. [ laughter ] no, no, no, wait, wait, wait its coming. Oh, oh, oh,. [ laughter ] this is glenns blackboard. We have to play by glenns rules which will are if you subscribe to an idea, you also subscribe to that ideas ideology and to every negative consequence that it remotely applies when it carry it to absurd extremes. If you believe in a minimum safety net to the nations medias you believe in total government control. If you believe that this provides a tent post for a Nations Foundation that could only lead to totalitarian theocracy. Jon, thats crazism that cant be right because there would be all kinds of retkofrpbg hrus truths. Youre absolutely bleep right. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] if that were true, somehow i would be able to show a bearded jesus over time turn into ooooh, ahhh, look beard now its white and hes muslim. [ laughter ] did i just blow your mind . [ laughter ] am i the only one here saying that having facial hair makes you a blood thirsty total yirn theocrat . Im afraid jon, beepboop. I could hold a swastika or a hammer and sickle or a bloody korls and corpse and tell you that that is my evidence but i dont have those pictures. [ laughter ] ive got the words themselves written in indelible chalk conservative libertarian. Lets start with conservative. What is this word right here . Con, a cona convict. And conserve, a convict and a slave. I dont want to be a slave prisoner but its your ideology. Libertarian somehow mitigates. Lets look at that. Lie, lie, lie, lie theyre lying to us. Who is doing the lying . Who is doing the lie something in tell me word on the board who is doing the lying . Tarians. Holy bleep oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Aryans but jon if that was true why did they spell it without the y . They took out the y because they dont want you asking that question. [ laughter ] i am coming for your books and brains. I am coming. [ laughter ] what does that leave . Well, it leaves only one word [ laughter ] bert. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] a pigeon worshiping tyrant whose draconian law allows for no rubber duckies who spends a day in a childrens workshop telling the youth what to think. Dont think he is dangerous . I wonder what the letter e would say about that . Its hitler. [ laughter ] i didnt want to have to tell you any of this any more than glenn beck wants to tell you that people that think safety belts are a good idea are killing this country. I dont want to be right on this. As much as i wish this werent true, every day that goes by the evidence mounts up. Jon yeah and as i look around at all the truly random things that i scribbled sorry, i promised myself that i would cry. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] well be right back. [cheers and applause] new at applebees. Get your favorite apps 1 2 price twice a day. 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Female announcer youre on the right track to save big during sleep trains triple choice sale. For a limited time you can choose up to 48 months interestfree financing on a huge selection of tempurpedic models. Or choose to save hundreds on Simmons Beautyrest mattress sets. You can even choose 300 in free gifts with sleep trains most popular Stearns Foster mattresses. The triple choice sale ends soon at sleep train. Sleep train your ticket to a better nights sleep [cheers and applause] stephen welcome back, my guest tonight is say former governor of washington. He is now the United States secretary of commerce. Please welcome to the Program Secretary gary locke. Sir. [cheers and applause] air conditioned. How are you, my friend . Thanks for coming. Its an honor to be on the show. I know you were hoping for a cabinet rock star like ray lahood or something. Stephen he was here. He tour the place up. You should have seen the green room after. It was who is ray lahood. The census is due. My question to you is the question most americans would ask, how do i know you wont take this information and put me in a japanese internment camp . Are you japanese . Jon i havent checked a box yet. Actually everything in the census form is absolutely confident shal. The Justice Department has ruled that the patriot act does not supersede the privacy of the census form. Whatever we learn, the census takers or employees learn or see or observe is controversial, cannot be, will not be shared with local, state or federal Law Enforcement agencies. Jon isnt that something someone who is going to intern me would say . They didnt have those privacy protections then. Jon thats have been put in since world war ii. Thats right. Jon its about time we took this country back from the japanese internment camps. When did this start . I assume its something that began after we put under god in the pledge of allegiance . This starts under the days of george washington. The very first census. Jon those are our Founding Fathers. They wouldnt do thank Thomas Jefferson was the head of first Census Bureau and some of the questions back in 1790 were written by madison himself. The Founding Fathers or the fathers of this country were behind the census. Jon madison was writing the questions. I assume they were very hard. Where they essay questions he wrote . The questions we have, ten questions, are close to the same questions asked in 1790. Jon really . They had six questions then and we have ten. Half of the questions that we have in this years census are really kind of quality controlled. Did you forget anybody. Anybody else living here. Do you sometimes live some place else. Jon what is the question they didnt have. Are you the head of the household. Jon okay thats different. And how many slaves do you have . Jon you are saying thats not this one. Not on this years. [ laughter ] jon let me speak for myself and say phew were going to take a commercial and then well fill it out. Well do it quickly and well just use you new at applebees. Get your favorite apps 1 2 price twice a day. Every weekday and late night. Yeah. Things are definitely looking up. Get 1 2 price apps late afternoons and as always, late night. New and only at applebees. Ride away by roy orbison begins to play i ride the highway. Im going my way. I leave a story untold. He just keeps sending more pictures. If youre a freerange chicken you roam free. Its what you do. If you want to save fifteen percent or more on Car Insurance you switch to geico. Its what you do. Two wheels a turnin. This summer you could win tickets every hour to concerts of your choice oh, awesome yeah but only with pepsi. Yes oh, at least your names on the bottle. Do i look like a larry to you . Pop open music every hour with pepsi who says families have to share data now get four lines. Each with up to 10 gigs of 4g lte data. Just 30 bucks a line its 10 gigs for all only from tmobile feel like a kid again with dunkins new oreo and chips ahoy flavored coolatta and iced coffees. Classic cookie flavor in every sip. America runs on dunkin. [cheers and applause] jon welcome back to the program. Were here with commerce secretary gary locke. I have a census form right here. At my house, i have received. I dont believe i have received the census form but i have received mail from the commerce the census department, two envelopes addressed to residents. And i opened them and they said youll be receiving mail from the commerce department. And i thought, okay. [ laughter ] why did you send me a notification that i will be receiving something and will you also call me to see if i actually did receive it . Well knock on your door, too. No, despite the publicity, the tv ads and radio commercials and newspaper and magazine advertisement, theres still ate lot of people who dont know about it and they dont know when its arriving. Past research has shown that if we send the advanced mailing we can increase the Response Rate the percentage of householes sending back the census form by 6 to 12 . Jon how does that help you . If you dont get it do you go door to door . If people dont mail it back by the end of april or first of may well hire 700,000 people around the country to go door to door. We need the information. Its part of the constitution. The problem is when we go to your door, we may not get you the first time. Jon the black hawk helicopter has thermal imaging. For the mailed back responses we save the taxpayers 85 million. [cheers and applause] jon you dont get to keep that. [ laughter ] let me ask you a question, you said if we didnt return them, you would have to hire 700,000 people. Im not a mat ma teugs nor an economist but from what i understand were in an economic slump. Wouldnt it be perhaps an interesting fix for everybody if nobody returned the census form and then you hired us all as census takers. 0 unemployment, full census [ laughter ] and and if i may, gave us all automatic weapons and badges. This census form will determine how many members of Congress Every state sends to d. C. It also determines the compensation, the district, the size of the districts the state legislature, state assembly. Jon so its unimportant but do it any way. Secretary of commerce gary locke. Thank you. [cheers and applause] progressive insurance brings you daily comparisons florida and england. Florida is larger than england however floridas bathing suits are smaller than england. 96 of parents say a College Education is most important. While 90 of children say the most thing is candy. 50 of lawyers play golf while 100 of panda cubs play with sprint asks, what makes a great family plan . We need 4 lines. And data. A lot of data. How about 4 lines with 10 gigs of data to share for 100 bucks . 100 dollars . Really . Yup, thats way less than verizon or at t and more than double the highspeed data of tmobile. But, were locked in our contract. Not anymore. Sprint will pay off your old phone and contract so you can switch. Goodbye at t everybodys switching to the best family plan from sprint. Get 4 lines with unlimited talk, text and 10 gigs of highspeed data to share for only 100 mo. And now get your new phone delivered and set up for free with sprint direct 2 you. Trouble hearing on the phone visit sprintrelay. Com the ones with the guts to stand apart join a league all their own. Khaez. Jon thats our show. Here it is your moment zen. When i was a kid grandpa used to have to eat large sandwiches and i used to wear bread bag boots. It builds character. Jon a prison foot. [ laughter ] captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, an Election Night special America Votes for its favorite moments from the daily show with jon stewart. This is news your own adventure. the daily show theme playing captioning sponsored by Comedy Central good evening. Im Jessica Williams and we are live on this big Election Night. Were not live. Thats okay, its not Election Night. But it is an Election Night. In honor of jon stewarts last week as host of the daily show, viewers have been voting for their favorite segments in a variety of different categories from his best fox news takedown to the time he fired hasan minhaj. What . Spoiler alert. And