cheers and applause jon from the daily show, my name is jon stewart were going to have a guest tonight, his name is denis leary cheers and applause stop, stop, stop the road to the 2016 election continues to wind its slow torturous way. Last night, 14 candidates appeared to see who would be chosen as their partys president ial nominee. That was different from a collection of indistinguishable individual undergoing a much more skillbased shrek. Do we have anything from the forum . The twohour forum played out like political speed date, 14 republican candidates sharing a single stage in new hampshire. Jon a single stage the worst dinner production of cats ever looked like this. Senator ted cruz attended via satellite. What was so important he couldnt attend in person . In texas, we cook bacon a little differently than most folks. gunfire laughter jon are we sure thats grease . Perhaps some ejaculate from how much you love guns . By the way, you really need to add bacon to get americans to like guns . For gods sake, its not salad or medicine. Americans use guns for a lot of things coring apples, unclogging toilets, ear pierci piercing ah. Listen, gitter done i shouldnt complain about the the republican race. At least its fun to watch. The democratic is one joyless death march to Hillary Clinton, sure, Bernie Sanders is drawing crowds by the thousands but the media decided you cant be a serious candidate if your hair looks like your dick got caught in an electrical socket laughter now, seems there is nothing that shack up the democratic race. Being news in race for the white house. Vice President Joe Biden considering a challenge to Hillary Clinton. Jon whoa. Joe biden joe says he cant go into a 7eleven without an indian accident, asks a guy in a wheelchair to stand up biden . Joe bidens gaffes is he says things from his heart and i think thats an attractive quality in the current atmosphere. Hes authentic, natural. Despite his gaffes and maybe even partly because of his gaffes because he can be very charming and relatable. Jon really . So the reason loose lips mcgee bleep up his 2008 president ial run is now the reason mes a viable candidate . You know, not just blurting bleep out, thats a pretrump president ial quality. Posttrump is all about saying the crazy. Clearly, Hillary Sheryl going to have to do something to address the deficit if she went wants to fend off joe authenticity. To soften her image, hillary released her campaign ads overnight featuring her mother. Jon thats smart. Bringing some humanity to her. Can we see . Im Hillary Clinton, im just like you and other humans. I have a mother whos also a human female like me. As a fetus, i jess tatted in her uterus the way human offspring do. Then i traveled through her cervix and emerged from her vagina in the normal human fashion. Im Hillary Clinton and i approve this message. Jon oh, my god thats totally how i was born applause for more, we turn to Hasan Minhaj Hasan Minhaj outside Clinton Campaign headquarters in brooklyn. Hasan, is the Clinton Campaign worried about biden entering this race . Absolutely, and Hillary Clinton is doing gaffe prep as we speak, jon. Jon im sorry, gaffe prep . Yes, she is working around the clock with advisors on blurting out intemperate and spontaneous remarks. Here is one from iowa. Hi slap me i an, nice to meet you or, holy bleep look at that kids head laughter jon that just seems mean. Perhaps, but the clinton aren the lab is working on it. Theres no telling what she will be incredibly prepared to regret saying. Jon thank you very much. Hasan minhaj hasan minhaj, you stream music, movies, tv, stuff you shouldntwatch in public. Like that guy everythings on demand, so why wait two years to upgrade your phone . What if you made the wrong choice . Or an even wronger choice . Yeah, i know. And you hi im on this phone to tell you more about phones. Oh you actually chose wisely. Introducing jump on demand get the phone you want when you want. Including a new iphone 6 for zero up front and just 15 a month. Get your favorite apps 1 2 price twice a day. Every weekday and late night. Yeah. Things are definitely looking up. Get 1 2 price apps late afternoons, and as always, late night. New and only at applebees. Hellim jenn mcallister ld and today im going to give you a quick lesson about my dell 2in1 this is my 2in1. This is my 2in1. This is my 2in1. Its a super thin laptop and a tablet. Plus, intel makes it super fast even when im using, like, a ton of programs at once. And that my parent friends is how i can do the most with just one computer. Dell 2in1s with windows 10 and intel inside. Buy a pc for 699. 99 and get a free 32inch tv. Someim here to help embway dothink differently. Flavor. You know that sandwich you always get . I can make it even better. You ever try this toasted with monterrey cheddar . You know what, why not. Ok how about we spice this up a little bit . That sounds amazing. Lets rock this sandwich together. Subway. Eat fresh. Okay, what is this . Its chewy. Really icy. Wooh. Thats intense it just hits you. Its gum. No. Its totally a mint its disappearing as i am chewing it. Where did it go . Its not a gum. Not a mint. Its a totally new cool. New ice breakers cool blasts. cheers and applause jon welcome back now, we do a little thing called jon stewarts ask poll. The most common question we received was are the people in the field pieces real. For more, correspondent jessica williams. Hi cheers and applause jon this is great question and something ive always wondered are those people real . I mean, they say a lot of crazy things. Oh, my gosh, jon. They are real and they do know who we are and they dont care because we bring a camera with us. Jon well, people love to be on the tv. Its true. Its like girls gone wild except they flash us the controversial ideas. Recently, though, i decided to check in on some of our old friends. Shock, roll it the black person uses the term nigger this and that and its okay for them to do it. A large portion of male homosexuals enjoy drinking each others urine. If youre poor, stop being poor. Im doing exorcisms on skype. When hearing the surprising point of views all correspondents know the best response is often the honest one. What . Im sorry . Are you sure about that . You know we can see you, right . Is. Just who are these people . Are they actors . Did we trick them into talking to us . And just what are nay doing saying these things on television . Tonight well find out in guess whos still returning our calls back in 2009, we met harlem pastor James Manning who was speaking out on attacks on barack obama. Barack obama is not the antichrist. Thank you. Surely misled, he is not the antichrist. He is crazy. Obama is indeed the next hitler. Come again . Hitler. As in hitler, hitler . The fuehrer of germany. Jeez i can only imagine how the daily show could edit dr. Planning to make him Say Something so outlandish, so i paid him a visit. Hi thank you so much for meeting with us. Is this a peace offering from the last time you were here . Yeah, were sorry. All right. Okay, i accept this. Tell us about how you lost the congregation. I didnt lose the congregation. I did not. But they screwed you. They edit it so you said obama was hitler. Thats bananas. It isnt bananas and i did say hitler, yes, i compared obama to hitler, yeah, i did. Okay, but thats why pencils have erasers. Has your opinion of president obama changed in the last six years . Yes, it has. Great thats awesome i think hes accomplished something no one in human histories ha accomplished or could accomplish. Thats wonderful. He did. He pushed for a lot of reform, like for gay marriage. If i can complete my thought the things he has accomplished are ultra evil. It takes a certain amount of evil spirit and demented, if you will, personality to do what he has done. Im just trying to get this right. Youre doubling down on what you said six years ago. You could say that, yes. Okay. Im leaning more towards obama being more like the son of satan. Im sorry. You believe, now, hes more the son of satan . Yes, i do. Whats going on in that head of yours . Unmitigated truth. In 16 years, weve interviewed almost 2800 people. You would assume afterwards most would be upset like say gun rights activist noel. If a doctor is keeping a list of his patients who have firearms, the great fear is if they start correcting this data, it leads to dictators, tie rants, hitler. Holocaust 2. Exactly. What is it with these bone heads and the holocaust . I went to visit noel in his tiny ass kitchen with his giant ass gun just to see how angry he was. Doing the daily show is great. I obviously put a link of it on my web site so everybody can see it and i can show it over and over to the all my friends. Hey i was on the daily show, it was great. Are you some master of sarcasm . Of course not. I liked it. I thought i did well. They didnt twist your words . Not at all. Are you sure . Im 100 positive. Maybe some people would see some humor in my views, but i dont. In fact, in our experience, the vast majority of the daily show interviewees feel the same way. Dr. Manning, do you regret doing this segment with us six years ago . Absolutely not, no, because i understood when you asked me to be on the show exactly what it was going to be about, it was going to be an attempt to make my ideas seem buffoonery, but i agreed to do it anyway because i didnt think you would succeed at it, and you didnt. You think we didnt succeed at it . Absolutely. Thats because you did it yourself. Well, you can say that if you like, but i dont think you can get the American Public or the International Audience to agree with you. Yeah, they probably wont. As we head into this new era of the daily show, one thing is certain, president obama will still be compared to historical madmen and far too many people will still hold their unique points of view. I think this starbucks is recognized that the flavor of their lattes that they are using semen to make that latte more flavorful. You think theyre using semen to flavor their lattes . I think so, yes. What empirical evidence do you have that starbucks is using semen in their lattes . What empirical evidence do i have . Yes. I think if youre asking for that, you may not be able to find my explanation suitable to meet the empirical standards, but lets just say i know. But lets just say i know. Jon well be right back. So youre a Small Business expert from at t . Yeah, give me a problem and ive got the solution. Well, we have 30 years of customer records. Our cloud can keep them safe and accessible anywhere. My drivers dont have time to fill out forms. Tablets. Keep it all digital. Were looking to double our deliveries. Our fleet apps will find the fastest route. Oh, and your boysenberry apple scones smell about done. Ahh, youre good. I like to bake. Add new Business Services with at t and get up to 500 in total savings. Get your favorite apps 1 2 price twice a day. Every weekday and late night. Yeah. Things are definitely looking up. Get 1 2 price apps late afternoons, and as always, late night. New and only at applebees. The 5 truth or dare challenge is back. Are you game . I can offer you no interest sittifor 24 months. Oday thanks to the tools and help at experian. Com, i know i have an 812 fico score, so i definitely qualify. So what else can you give me . Same day delivery. The ottoman . Thank you. Fico scores are used in 90 of credit decisions. So get your credit swagger on. Go to experian. Com, become a member of experian credit tracker, and take charge of your score. Searchingcan you help . Used car . Start with the millions of used cars for sale at the new carfax. Com show me cars with no accidents. Show me no accidents and one owner. Show me no accident, one owner cars with service records. Thats awesome. Thats the power of carfax®. Find the cars you want, avoid the ones you dont plus you get a free carfax® report with every listing start your used car search at carfax. Com cheers and applause welcome back my guest tonight comedian on fx, has a new show called sex drugs rock roll cheers and applause hi im katy. Jon hi, katy. Youre not who i think you are, are you . You know who you think i am . Es. This is Christopher Walken. I knew it guys, Christopher Walken is, like, 70 years old. Do i look 70 to you . Jon welcome back to the program, denis leary cheers and applause jon im going to get em sit down cheape cheers and applause unbelievable. Thank you so much. Jon whats happening i have a horrible cold. Thats why i didnt really hug you close, even though i know this is a sad moment. Jon terribly sad. Anytime we have you on, its that way. laughter im hopped up on all kinds of cold medicine, so anything can happen. Jon anything im not sad. I will say this jon yes . I think i speak for everybody whos here, and the people who work for you, obviously, and doug herzog, the head of the network, whom weve known for years who started both our careers. Jon without him, we arent on television. I know, hes here tonight, i know he feels the same way. Jon yeah. When i found out you were offered this big contract to spend time with your family they said it was 50 million jon i think youre thinking chappelle. But its a lot of money. We were all thinking this is a guy whos very brave, courageous, a good dad, wants to spend time with his family jon thats what we thought . cheers and applause where are you going with this . Youre not going anywhere with this . No, no, no heres what im going to say what the bleep is wrong with you cheers and applause do you know how much therapy you could buy for your kids with 50 million . They could hate your guts into perpetuity who cares . They have mansions to hate your guts in. Thats 50 million. Its not too late, okay . Well give trevor some other show, okay . Me and collin quinn and chris rock will write this bleep show for you for 25 of the 50 million, right . cheers and applause jon thats very kind of you. But, listen, i do want to say, and i mean this because my Television Show is actually about this and you know i know about this as a dad myself jon youre going to turn me leaving into a promotional speech about your show . You are the best. Thank you laughter now, was that four more years for jon or my new show . cheering jon so this new show, you play a musical firefighter who, if im right, and i try to have real emotion with the man weve known each other 50 years. Jon i know you well enough that even with a cold i would still touch you audience reacts thats from the heart, truthfully. People talk legacy in this business. Its pull. Unless youre a president or lunatic like manson or hitler, theres very few people jon what are you telling me to do . laughter im saying your decision sight, youre retiring at the top of your game. Youre going to spend all this time with your kids. It could be two months, six six weeks, six months from now, you will be on the farm in new jersey with your family hanging out, and your kids will turn to you and say, dad, we love you, get a bleep job. Play applause yo applause you are driving us bleep crazy. Call denis leary and get a bleep job, dad. We cant take it anymore. Jon i needed flexible. Thats all it was. I admire what youre doing. Youre going out, like, ten emmys, right . cheers and applause jon heres the thing i know ill never get again, and you work in organizations, ill never find a group or a collaboration or writers and producers and all those people like this ever again, and i know that and have to make peace with that. applause the whole thing is, when you do something you know you will never be as good as something as you were at this, you have to make peace with it. And thinking about all the people that work here and wondering whether or not they would still have jobs is a big thing for you. Jon yes. And they do. Im still asking, can i still come on the show when trevor is the host . Jon ill be honest, and i say this i dont think hes crazy about irish people. laughter and if he is, you wouldnt be the one i would start him with. laughter cheers and applause new at applebees. Get your favorite apps 1 2 price twice a day. Every weekday and late night. Yeah. Things are definitely looking up. Get 1 2 price apps late afternoons, and as always, late night. New and only at applebees. Okay, what is this . Its chewy. Really icy. Wooh. Thats intense it just hits you. Its gum. No. Its totally a mint its disappearing as i am chewing it. Where did it go . Its not a gum. Not a mint. Its a totally new cool. New ice breakers cool blasts. Tmobile now extends your coverage beyond the borders at no extra charge. Get 4g lte data, unlimited calls and texts in mexico and canada just like in the u. S. Thats coverage in three countries for the price of one. Only from tmobile. [music] do you like cougars . Terry will you shut up you are adorable. Thank you. Ladies your belts all snugged up . Why do we have to buckle up . The pick up stinks with diesel. [ding] youve got to be kidding oh please ah this is the end oh my god [brakes screech] we need resuscitation. Mouthtomouth resuscitation. Hurry up [laughing] feeling energy dip . Fternoon dont go on a junk food trip just introduce yourself to chobani flip naturally delicious key lime crumble with White Chocolate and crunchy graham crackers. Its the break, you make im supposed to tell you how it feels when you book the perfect Family Vacation on hotels. Com. But i think hes kinda nailing it. music hotels. Com. They dont need me right now. Oreo and chips ahoy flavored coolatta and iced coffees. Classic cookie flavor in every sip. America runs on dunkin. Get excited for the 1989 world tour with exclusive behind the scenes footage, all of taylor swifts music videos, interviews, and more. Xfinity is the destination for all things taylor swift. cheers and applause jon before we go, i want to show you something. One of the great pleasures of this show is having a pulpit to introduce an audience to books i care about, books i love. Im going to miss that. Before i go, im going to do it one more time. I have found this book, this incredible young author, her name is my wife. laughter actually, my wife, she actually wrote this book, its called do unto animals. Its incredible illustrations, its about my wifes journey in finding her passion to work with animals, about how you can improve your relationship with the animals in your house and in your yard, its incredible. Ive always known listen, im so proud, ive always known that my wife is a kinder and nicer person than i am. But to know that she is funnier and a better writer . laughter im not going to lie to ya, stings a little bit. But the book is called do unto animals. Its not out right now, but when it comes out, im not going to have a show, and holding it up at home, from what i understand, doesnt do bleep . So you can preorder it or, better yet, maybe head down to your local book store, maybe your independent book store, ask them to order it for you. Its a remarkable, heartfelt, funny. Jane goodall says nice things about it so i hope you do that. All the proceeds go to Farm Sanctuary which is a wonderful organization that rescues farm animals and give them the type of life these individuals deserve. So do unto animals get your copy now. Here it is, your moment of zen. Donnell has lots of skills and talents that made h him and meme around him wealthy. Thats a great thing. Its not necessarily the same skills transferable to governing. So you need to understand how you have to [ cheers and applause ] why why why