MONDAY
THE PM has convened a special Scotland task-force. First item on the agenda is "The Douglas Ross problem". Silky Sunak can’t help himself and snorts that our Scottish leader looks like the chap who used to carry his bags at Oxford. “Where do we get these people,” he asks. Everyone nods in agreement. Dopey Williamson asks if we can’t just pull a Salisbury number on him by doing the old door handle trick and that he’s still got good Moscow contacts from his time at the FO.
Gollum Gove tells the idiot we’d have to be a lot more discreet than that as the Daily Mail would have a field-day if it was revealed we’d asked Putin to do it. “How about getting the Dutch special ops wallahs to slip him a herbal snider the next time he’s in London for one of those Spectator bacchanals,” he suggests.