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I loved to write, I loved these people and I loved the newspaper; it felt like home. The past three years I’ve spent on Editorial Staff have been truly wonderful. ....
January 28, 2021 at 4:20 am by Chace Duma Max Myszkowski / Daily Nexus This just in: Student Health has received a shipment of the brand new, FDA not-really-approved, piss-yellow Mikeâs Hard Vaccine. Developed by the company behind Mikeâs Hard Lemonade, this vaccine is marketed toward those who canât for the life of them or, for that matter, the lives of the elderly and at-risk in their neighborhoods, stop partying. Considering Isla Vista seems to be the dream demographic for such a product, Student Health had the privilege of being among the first to receive this vaccine. Our team was able to get an interview with Mike himself, who led the development of the hard vax, and ask him about the philosophy behind this new development. ....
WASHINGTON –– Following the violent insurrection at the U.S. Capitol, extensive security measures have been planned for the inauguration proceedings this Wednesday. Chief among these is the choice by Washington mayor, Muriel Bowser, to deploy one of the most selective, tactical black ops teams this country has to offer: UCSB’s own campus security officers. “We […]“As always, the CSOs are authorized to use lethal force if necessary.” ....
Sometimes, I just have to stop and look back in awe at how far Iâve come in these past few months: from a sickly bat in a Wuhan meat-market all the way across the world to your neighborâs lukewarm. ....
January 18, 2021 at 4:20 am by Max Myszkowski Max Myszkowski / Daily Nexus STORKE PLAZA ââ With vaccination programs now entering phase 1.A.b.β-§-2.0, the COVID-19 vaccine has now been made available for essential workers, healthcare providers and â more notably â phallic architectural symbols. Markedly happy to hear about this development was our very own beige, rectangular phallus, Storke Tower ââ who, upon inoculation, reportedly grew an extra three inches due to a rare side effect of the vaccine! âThe lengthening effect was witnessed almost immediately,â said the Student Health nurse who administered Storke the vaccine. âAs was a slight increase in girth, though those effects have yet to be studied in a double-blind experiment.â ....