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Transcripts For COM The Colbert Report 20140701

that sends a signal to our enemies around the world that our president is weak. ronald wilson reagan could chug an entire bottle of hobb their row, and two hours later he d be whistling the star spangle banner out of his flaming bumhole. long may it wave. and we were so close to having a true commander-in-beef. just look at this 2012 photo of mitt romney ordering at a chipotle. that s how you order high hygienically, folks, polite distance, hands in pockets, wearing a condom, one imagines. i only bring this up because i believe in the american dream. when my great, great grandfather braved the atlantic crossing, he came here with the hope his new country would never be ruined by a bunch of filthy immigrants. sadly once again america is awash in unwashed masses. this time they re pouring across the long, skinny ocean to our south, the rio grand. in the southwest, a deepening crisis tonight involving thousands of children from central america who have been crossing into thi

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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20140701

something to be that president obama ordered the irs to target them while he sat in a dark room smoking a cigar while an orphan boy stands outside looking through the rain saying why? why, mr. president? why. but as it turns out, there s been no real evidence found that the white house is involved and the cat turned out to be a dog and the orphan has parents and was putting on a british accent. but the point is this. these irs troubles do not appear to be that. but they are something. and the irs is clearly doing their best to continue to give off scandal stink like some kind of scared scandal skunk. [laughter] when we last left the irs, their official, lois lerner, had taken the fifth, rather than testify, so congress asked the irs if they would be so kind as to click the forward button on all of lois lerner s e-mails. what what happened that. they say the irs has been promising to get them these e-mails for a year, and now suddenly they say that lois lerner s computer cra

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Transcripts For KNTV Today 20140624

my weekends are jew-cy. i m a new mom. so, between changing diapers and a naptime, that s about it how is that cute little baby? the best baby in america. how old is she now? she s 14 months. look at her, mowing that lawn. we are already teaching her chores. are you barefoot? oh, yeah, like beach. she is, too. i don t know if that s bad, didn t get ringworm in the making of this photo. i love, we go out to the beach. does she like the water? she likes the water. my husband takes her to swim class, so hilarious, one, two, three, dunk. and comes up like ah! water spurting out. it s part of the whole thing. right. she is so cute. she s sort of like an 80 year old woman liching in an 80-year-old woman in a baby s body. 80-year-old southern woman. we go to the park and she walks past and she goes hi. hi. hi. and then she will go, bye. bye. like why where did she learn this type of behavior? i wonder where. where did she learn it? were you guys glu

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Transcripts For KNTV Today 20140623

and every little thing he does. sting making headlines for being the latest millionaire to say his kids won t inherit his fortune. today, monday june 23rd, 2014. from nbc news, this is today with matt lauer and savannah guthrie live from studio 1a in rockefeller plaza. and good morning, everyone. welcome to today on a monday morning. last night oh, it hurts. to the gut. it was like a collective jaw drop across america and the world. we were ready to start celebrating. we were pre-celebrating then suddenly that moment. portugal gets a goal in the last five minutes of the game. almost the last five seconds. the reason they call it the group of death is killing all of us. look at the reaction we ve got of the moment in the game and then around the country. people in the stands are suddenly talk about celebrating. nobody had us doing anything in the cup including our own coach, we should be happy. we have a great chance to move ahead. we are overachi

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Transcripts For KNTV Today 20140625

al and i went out to surprise a fan. let s watch. oh, my god. i can t believe this! we went to her house on long island. she loves to listen to sirius radio on her way to work. the today show is going to be on there tomorrow. but we rode with her to give it to her today. you sang karaoke. was that on the air? that is sad. how about paul manson? in the back. he was like this. hiding. and i had a kathie lee cutout. i loved the rollers. i loved the robe. i m just glad it went okay. you show up at somebody s doorstep at 7:00 a.m. she was kind of surprised. thank god she was dressed. she had the idea we were coming. the show, but not us. we cant wait for tomorrow. the today show will be on the radio. any flub we make will be broadcast over and over and over and over. perfect. to the world cup. it s happening. there s a lot going on with this. there s a lot. tell me what? we have to see this video. this is amazing. this mexican soccer coach, hi

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