stephen: that s it for the report, everyb captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org actresses from comedy central s world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [ daily show theme song playing] [cheers and applause] jon: hey, oh, my god! hey, everybody, welcome to the daily show . any name is jon stewart. my name is jon stewart and i need a haircut. [ laughter ] this is the longest head i ve ever had. [ laughter ] we ve got a nice one. the actress alison brie will be joining us from the hit show community. p my guess is she ll in no way tell us what is going on there but i m excited. let s begin tonight with america. as if you didn t know the reference. i put that up there to let you know. remember that map from the placemat at howard johnsons. [ laughter ] as you know, our country has been on a difficult run. gas prices have risen steadily over the last few months. our president
em. hey, uh-huh, put your chain down in there they ll rob you. keep your hand on the wheel or they might think that s two guns. (laughter) so when your mother is your friend and your parent you can make requests like they make requests to their parents, white kids. look here, mommy, i want to use the garage for a whole week and promise you re not gonna come in there. (laughter) okay, billy. he down there making a nuke. lights are flickering, the cable ain t working. she at the door, i know he s doing something but i gave him my word. i m not gonna go in there. i don t want to break my promise. you know black people. you better not close no door at your mother s house. you could be buck naked, lotioning yourself and she ll kick the door, let go of the lotion. you leave the lotion out here for everybody to use. i m up here late for work looking for the lotion. pack your get out of here, pack your stuff and get up out of here. see you all later. my name is earthquake.
well, that was our first show and we nailed it. thanks to amy schumer and aziz ansari. see me live at the mirage and tweet me and on the blog cc.com/jeselnik. see you next week but before we go let s look back at the best moments from tonight s show. women be shopping. women be shopping. women be shopping. oh, boy. ah, memories. good night kids. go read a book. [cheers and applause]actresses from comedy central s world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [ daily show theme song playing] [cheers and applause] jon: hey, oh, my god! hey, everybody, welcome to the daily show . any name is jon stewart. my name is jon stewart and i need a haircut. [ laughter ] this is the longest head i ve ever had. [ laughter ] we ve got a nice one. the actress alison brie will be joining us from the hit show community. p my guess is she ll in no way tell us what is going on there but i m excited. let s begin tonight with america. as if you didn t kn
ansari. see me live at the mirage and tweet me and on the blog cc.com/jeselnik. see you next week but before we go let s look back at the best moments from tonight s show. women be shopping. women be shopping. women be shopping. oh, boy. ah, memories. good night kids. go read a book. [cheers and applause] actresses from comedy central s world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [ daily show theme song playing] [cheers and applause] jon: hey, oh, my god! hey, everybody, welcome to the daily show . any name is jon stewart. my name is jon stewart and i need a haircut. [ laughter ] this is the longest head i ve ever had. [ laughter ] we ve got a nice one. the actress alison brie will be joining us from the hit show community. p my guess is she ll in no way tell us what is going on there but i m excited. let s begin tonight with america. as if you didn t know the reference. i put that up there to let you know. remember that map from th