cheers and applause its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes jim gaffigan. Cristela alonzo. And musical guest the Avett Brothers. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody good to see you. How are you . Nice to see you. Thanks for being here. Hey, everybody good to see you cheers and applause cheers and applause welcome to the late show. Hey, everybody cheers lets see, lets see. How was your day . Whats in the news . Whats in the news . Whats going on . El chapo is el screwedo. laughter what else . Oh, amazon dash has got these things, amazon has these dash buttons online so its easier to order. Thats a whole new world. Jon yeah, like alexa and all that. Stephen playoffs are this weekend, i guess. Oh, oh, theres this one thing. If youre waking up from a coma bad timing, first of all. laughter donald trump has been sworn in as president of the United States. audience boos i know, i know. I know, listen, listen, were just as confused as you are, and of course, this is trump, okay. Even though hes president , he loves to tweet and Inauguration Day is no different. He tweeted wait, im sorry. Im sorry. That was from obamas 2012 election. My apologies. He feels pretty good about this one for some reason. At the actual inaugural, trump made a bold entrance with a tie the length of an aircraft carrier. laughter that is that is a lot of red tie. That is make america tie again i think is the motto. laughter he looks like the underbelly of a rainbow trout. But the thing is, this is what happens whenever the president of the United States wears at the inaugural tends to set the fashion tone for men for the next four years. J. F. K. Famously did not wear a hats in the 1960s. So, in honor of our new president. cheers and applause cheers and applause its very handy. Its very handy. You can use it for all sorts of things, like you could use it to hide an erection, for instance, which i will not have for four years now. applause lets see, lets see, lets see. On oh, Hillary Clinton was there. That was so nice of her to actually be there. Dont you think . cheers and applause that was really big of her to be there. It could not have been easy to leave her squirrel friends back in the forest. I actually got more votes than he did. Yeah, like gore. Now, if laughter applause jon cold blooded stephen did you guys watch it . Did you guys watch it this afternoon . It was like if it seemed a little dark in the capitol, it was either because it was overcast or because Michelle Obama was throwing so much shade. cheers and applause cheers and applause jon im so cold stephen still, she looked beautiful. She looked fantastic in that red dress. Jon yeah, that was incredible. Stephen it was amazing. Meanwhile, melania looked stunning in her sky blue, ralph lauren headtransportation device. laughter im so sorry the rest of her couldnt make it. I was so sorry. But, of course, the fashion star of the day was counselor to the president , kellyanne conway. And i would describe that look as nutcracker who came to life, but only got halfway there. laughter cheers and applause now if you look closely this is true her buttons are actually little angry cat heads. Very bold for her to wear pussies that close to the new president. laughter and applause jon oh oh oof stephen the podium today held four of our previous president s, and it was inspiring to see our next four president s all marching in together. Jon wow stephen now, right off the top, the reverend Samuel Rodriguez got things started with a stirring invocation. God blesses those who are humble, for they will inherit the earth. Stephen yes, the humble will inherit the earth. People who brag a lot get the United States of america. And, my man, Timothy Cardinal dolan, of course, quoted solomon. From your glorious throne, dispatch her that she may be with us and work with us that we may grasp what is pleasing to you. Stephen yes, that we may grasp what is pleasing to you. laughter applause i believe that is the same prayer trump said to billy bush on that bus. cheers and applause let us grasp. Let us grasp. Let us grasp. What is pleasing. Now, there were some really nice moments today. Like after mike pence was sworn in, we were treated to a beautiful rendition of america the beautiful by the l. L. Bean catalogue. Then then, you really cant button your coat if your tie is this long. It looks like half of it is trying to escape out a back door. Then laughter can you tell im trying to delay this part of the monologue as long as possible . Then came the big moment. Donald trump taking the oath of office with his hand on lincolns bible. And i have been assured that it was consensual. So thats it. Donald trump is president. He knows the launch codes. And he hasnt tweeted them yet. So so far, so good. Then, of course got to stay hopeful. Little things. Little victory. Then it was time for the speech. Okay, there were some nice things about it. It was short, and it opened on a gracious note. People of the world, thank you. Stephen and the world said, us. laughter we didnt vote. We did not nothing to do with it. Were clean were clean applause trump had a message about the gridlock of washington. That is the past, and now we are looking only to the future. Stephen so dont ask about my tax returns ever again, okay, future. Future. Then, and then, like lincoln huffing paint thinner, this stirring orator invoked an inspiring picture of the country he now leads. Americas infrastructure has fallen into disrepair and decay, mothers and children trapped in poverty in our inner cities, rusted out factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape, our young and beautiful students deprived of all knowledge. Stephen wow. That is really and the crime and the gangs, and the drugs. Stephen okay, okay. Are you done . Because i think that the one thing american carnage. Stephen we get it we get it the country is a turd storm. You said all of that during the campaign. You can stop now. He knows he won, right . Putin must have told him. cheers and applause jon oh stephen just give it up the inauguration, of course, also included the timehonored tradition of talking about how the former president sucks, while obama and biden had to sit there as helpless as a damp russian mattress. cheers and applause hes going to put it out there, yall. Stephen ill tell you, i really feel bad for joe biden. He got so upset he turned into a jeff dunham puppet. laughter trump then dedicated his administration to his biggest supporters. The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer. Stephen yes, the Trump Administration will never forget great americans like buddy, here, and chief, and big guy and my African American over there. Ill never, youre always then the 45th president of the United States hammered home one of his Biggest Campaign promises. We will get our people off of welfare and back to work rebuilding our country with american hands and american labor. Stephen yes, he is clearly already getting americans back to work, because heres the mall when obama was inaugurated in 2009. And here it is for trump today. cheers and applause i mean, all i can figure cheers and applause jon thats it. Thats how it goes. Stephen all i can figure is that nobody could get the day off. Theyre all working. Either thats a lot of empty space, or that crowd is even whiter than i thought. laughter and applause jon oh stephen i mean, there were there were big, empty spaces in the crowd, or as trump called them, the most least people ever. The greatest most fantastic lack of attendance in american history. Youre not going to believe how many people didnt show up. And trump pledged to repair the countrys infrastructure. We will build new roads and highways and bridges and airports and tunnels and railways all across our wonderful nation. Stephen yes, roads and highways and bridges and airports and tunnels and railways so many ways to flee the country. laughter and applause cheers but but after spending the bulk of his inaugural address talking about what a Dumpster Fire america is and blaming everyone on the stage, trump called for unity. When america is united, america is totally unstoppable. Stephen okay, so right now, totally stoppable. And after the speech, reverend Franklin Graham delivered the benediction. In the bible, rain is a sign of gods blessing. And it started to rain, mr. President , when you came to the platform. Stephen yeah, ive read the bible. Blessings not exactly how noah took it. cheers and applause yes. Jon hey, thats a different story. Stephen bless you. And the lord said, you better build a boat, because im going to bless the hell out of this place. So here we are. Its really happening. Donald trump is officially the president of the United States, which means there are now all sorts of new sentences you can actually say and mean like the president of the United States was in home alone 2. laughter i always thought id be saying that on the first day of president pescis administration. The president f states has met with dozens of world leaders, and also the grimace. And, i sure miss george w. Bush. cheers and applause we have a great show for you tonight. Jim gaffigan is here stick around. 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Because its never just a cough. New ultimate surf turf event. And that means five mouthwatering pairings to choose from. Like our new feast with lobsterwrapped scallops and a juicy steak. Or a new lobster and seafoodtopped filet. Hurry in it ends december 31st. Take an extra 20 off when you spend 100 or more hurry in and get kohls cash for you short on time . Buy online and pick up free in store and starting thursday, stores are open 24 hours give joy, get joy at kohls. Well its a perfect nespresso hold on a second. Orge. Mmm. [mel torme sings comin home baby] hey there. Want a lift . Where are we going . No dont tell me. Let me guess. Have a nice ride. How far would you go for coffee thats a cup above . I brought you nespresso. Nespresso. What else . Jon were not gonna take it anymore cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody give it up louis cato thank you, louis. Beautiful. You know, jon, jon, did you did you get an invitation to the inaugural today . Invitation. Stephen i did not get mine, either. No, ive been waiting for mine. Jon yeah, ive been checking for it. It never came. Stephen never came either, damn u. S. Post office. You know who definitely got invited, though, every member of Congress Gets invited. Because, about 60 democratic lawmakers decided they werent going to go this year for various reasons their own personal reasons. cheers they did a bunch of different things. In fact, actually, the congressman for this district, where this theater is, jerry nadler actually didnt go. Jon wow, man. Stephen instead, instead, he actually came to the show today. Jerry nadler is right there. Hey, jerry cheers and applause good to see you. Good to see you always fun. Always nice to see you. Well, folks, my first guest tonight just released his fifth standup special. And like all of them theyre fantastic please welcome one of my favorite comedians, jim gaffigan cheers and applause keep on rockin in the free world keep on rockin in the free world stephen nice to see you. Good to be here. Stephen youre rockin a little bit of a different look right now. This is well, this is a mustache. Stephen i know what it is. Are you in the Witness Relocation Program . Im doing some porn. laughter stephen going back to your roots . Yeah, going back its not like i had enormous, high, self esteem, but i wanted to see how low i could go. This this is for an acting role, im going to be in fargo this season. Stephen oh, fantastic. applause i can buy you i can buy you as midwesterner. Stephen its a bit of a stretch. Quite a stretch. Play a white bread guy. Going to pull it off. I think i can pull it off. Stephen i think so, too. You know, one of the things that think everybody likes your material i listen to it with my kids, you know, because i love it. They love it. Its not dirty. Its clean material, for the most part, and its not really political. Nobody can figure out you know, everybody thinks you agree with them, i bet. I think there is some of that. My material is clean because jesus told me to be clean. laughter stephen he told me to be clean, too, but, you know laughter i do think that, you know its weird. Because i mean, im grateful that a lot of different people come to my show, and i do sometimes think that they attribute their beliefs to me because i happen to be liberal, but i look like a republican senator from the 50s. laughter so i feel like people assume that im on their side. And i also maybe im a break from it, you know, a break from and theres people that do it much better than me. And, you know, im somebody who can talk about mini muffins. Thats art. Stephen you can make the mini muffins sing. Make it important. Stephen what about your kids . My kids. Stephen are your kids do they have political opinions . My kids have insane political opinions. Stephen you have five. I have five children. applause some people theres always some clapping and then the rest of them are like, well, you did it to yourself. laughter and i do have five kids. And its a lot of kids. Frankly, its too many. laughter stephen are you from a big family . Well, im one of six. My wife is one of nine. And its stephen im one of 11. One of 11. And its just i mean, i love my kids. Theyre theyre my group. But were less of a family. Were more of a mob. laughter you know, we literally i was in i was doing shows in london last weekend, and thats you know, how you want to deal with jet lag is with four kids under the age of 12. Sleepy, poorly behaved children into a restaurant, and the horror on the waitstaffs faces. I think i saw a waitress quit her job. laughter she looked at my children, took off her apron, threw it on the register, and walked out. Now, she could have been getting off her shift, but i like to think she quit and went home and hung herself. laughter because its its a lot. But thats my group. Thats stephen so in london, so how long were you guys over there with the kids . We were there for four days. Stephen what were the kids like . Did they go to the tower of london, things like that . We went to all the tourist sights, but i think my kids really enjoyed they loved the m m store and stephen i heard theyve got a good one. Theyve got a good one. And i tell you, as an american, seeing the m m store, it doesnt make me embarrassed to be an american. It makes me embarrassed to be a human. laughter because, i like m ms, but i never thought, when are they going to open an m m store. I dont know what the thinking is. Stephen isnt every store an m m store . Where cant you buy them . Exactly. Stephen you go to the antique store and say, ill take the couch, and do you have any m ms . Yeah, its like absolutely everywhere and theres three levels. Theres the first level for m ms, and then theres another level for m ms, and then theres a third level where i imagine is where they kill the people that go to the m m store. By the way, theres nothing wrong if you like going to the m m store but you shouldnt be allowed to vote. Lets be serious. Right . I mean, we have an age limit. laughter and applause stephen hold on, i want to talk about this right here. This is near and dear to my heart. You opened when the pope was here last year. Yes. Stephen or two years ago at this point, right . Its all a blur. Stephen a year and a half ago, he went to philly and you opened for the pope. I know, its crazy. Sph in latin . I mean, its not like he was you know, im catholic, youre catholic. I mean, but im not a good catholic. Like, if there was a test for catholics, i would fail, you know. Stephen i think youre probably a better catholic than i am. But most catholics would fail, which is probably why theres not a test, you know. laughter the Catholic Church was like, look, weve lost too much people already. But i got to open for the pope. But he wasnt there when i was doing standup. Stephen he wasnt there, then what is this . This is you shaking hands with papa. And by the way, thats my motherinlaw, the mother of nine children. Shes like a shiite catholic, so she was very excited. Stephen and this guy back here . Thats juarez. Stephen this guy . Why is the salt bae guy behind the pope back there . He is, similar to me, a latin heartthrob. He is a famous latin laughter no, it was it was at in philadelphia, the festival of families, philadelphia, the city of brotherly love, which if youve been to philly, you know they mean that sarcastically. laughter i mean, i love philly, but philly, the city of brotherly love, they mean that the same way youd say, syria, a place for peace. You know what i mean . laughter but i love philadelphia. I have to tell you, when i was at the sound check, i went for the sound check, and it was pretty scary. I went out and they constructed this outdoor amphitheater. And i looked on the highway, and the amphitheater was empty, and on the highway there was a Million People already there at the sound check. And i looked at those people and i thought, wow. A Million People that dont want to see me do standup comedy, because those people were there to see the pope, and not one of them was thinking, i hope the pope has a comedian open for him. Stephen did you do any pope material . I did some pope material, but i was nervous at the sound check. I was like, all right, i have to come up with philadelphia jokes, but i thought what do i know about philadelphia . I know the liberty bell, i know the cheesesteak, and i had just watched this espn 30 for 30 documentary about eagles fans throwing snowballs at santa. Not on the brand of brotherly love. And so when i was finally introduced, there was still no one in the amphitheater, because the pope wasnt there. Because i essentially opened for the popemobile. And, so, i figured, all right, ill just do my set. I said, its good to be here in philadelphia, and i heard the roar from the crowd on the highway. And so, i said ill play to the crowd on the highway. Philly loves the pope. Another roar. And i said, not that i was worried, but you guys werent that nice to santa claus. Nothing. Silence. laughter and then i heard something that sound like booing well because it was booing. But it wasnt everyone. It was, like 10 . So, like, 100,000 people booing my santa joke before they saw their religious leader who was going to talk to them about mercy. laughter adjusted my act. And eventually i had an opportunity to meet the pope. And i was in this room, and everyone was saying something to the pope, and i didnt know what to say. So when it finally came my turn i said, dont bring up the santa incident. laughter and the pope didnt say anything, but he gave me a look like, dude, i would never bring that up. laughter stephen we have to take a little break here. Well be right back with more jim gaffigan. cheers and applause charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. Charmin ultra soft is softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. Enjoy the go with charmin my bladder leakage was making me feel like i couldnt spend time with my grandson. Now depend fitflex has their fastest absorbing material inside, so it keeps me dry and protected. Go to depend. Com get a coupon and try them for yourself. At tmobile, when you holiday together, great things come in twos. Right now when you buy any of this seasons hot new Samsung Galaxy phones, you get a second one free to gift. Thats one samsung for you. One to give. Tmobile. Holiday twogether. But when we brought our daughter home, that was it. Now i have nicoderm cq. The nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release Technology Helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. Its the best thing that ever happened to me. Every great why needs a great how. Hows it going down there . Good. Lica misses you. Im over it though. laughter thats fine. I miss her more than you anyway. Hey, my window is closing. Yeah thats okay. Alright miles. I love you. phone hangs up yeah i love you too. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, were back. Were here with the lovely and talented jim gaffigan. I was asking about the mustache. Yes. Stephen youre doing this for fargo. Yes. Stephen and some people Everybody Loves your comedy and Everybody Knows youve also done some dramatic acting. Yes. I mean, its weird. I feel like sometimes people dont know that im an actor. Sometimes people on twitter are like, i cant believe gaffigans in this acting role. And ive always acted. I did a show on broadway that no one saw. Ive always done movies. And, stephen, i think its because im so good looking. Stephen they wont treat you like a serious actor because have such a pretty face. Im just an object to them. Stephen and the mustache is an attempt to end that. The mustache laughs yes. Stephen so ive loved your work for years. Oh, thank you. Stephen i loved your work, especially on law order. Very few people know this, but in 1998, on law order, you played a guy named george rozakis. A greek, i played a greek. Stephen the worlds palest greek. From the island of stephen the plumber, who may have been a suspect. Lets listen to this. Did you happen to see a guy come around the apartment, would have been around 9 00 . Yeah, guy with a suitcase. He was there for a minute and he left. This the guy . Could be. He would have been wearing a suit and tie. I was under a sink. cheers and applause stephen i totally believed it. I totally believed it. I totally believed it. I mean, you do believe because im pale, that i would be under a sink, right . Stephen perhaps you were raised under a sink. Did you turn out to be the murderer . I did not turn out to be the murderer. Stephen of course, thats not the end of your criminal career, in 2002 you were on law order criminal intent. You played a character called russell matthews, a crematorium owner suspected of murder. All im saying is this could be a big problem for me. I got to catch the ferry back. Russell, problems are Just Solutions in work clothes. Stephen wow. Wow. Stephen that was deep. I mean, some of it is poetry, really. Stephen did you end up being the murderer in that one . I dont think so. Stephen okay, well how about in this next one in 2007 law order, you play yet another character named marty palin, Deputy Director of the f. D. A. Being framed for murder. You got to keep yourself company . My kids gave me whiskers so i wouldnt be alone. Mr. Palin, she wants your shredder. Okay. laughter stephen wow, that is that okay spoke volumes, man. By the way, i dont even have a cat. I pretended to have a cat. Stephen you acted like you had a cat. I acted like were always acting. I mean, when you think about it, were always acting. You and i are acting like were not gay. Were always acting. laughter its like theres always acting going on. Im from australia. People dont even realize that. Stephen ill show you some acting. You want to see some acting . Yeah. Stephen this is from 2004 law order criminal intent this is the character of james forger. You didnt really think he would make it public. That hypocrite it would have been the ethical thing to do. You were counting on sean. And he couldnt prevail on his father. Louise politano became a martyr to your needs. I didnt have anything to do with that stephen i did. I was the murderer. cheers and applause you were a murderer. Stephen i was the murderer. I was the murderer. I think weve learned stephen weve learned so much. Weve learned so much. I mean, really, the real question is, is there anything you and i cant do, except for, say, hey, i love you. Stephen jim gaffigan, i love you. I love you, too, thanks. Audience awww. applause stephen Jim Gaffigans standup special, cinco, is now available on netflix. Law order svu is on nbc. Jim gaffigan, everybody well be right back with Cristela Alonzo. cheers and applause switched to unlimited fromust sprint, and each gets 100 dollars in free pokemon go pokecoins. Now, theyre prepared. To capture even more pokemon. vo go to your sprint store and switch to get 100 in pokecoins free. And get unlimited for 25 per for people with hearing loss, month for four lines. Visit sprintrelay. Com. Little girl and boy land while you dwell within it you are ever happy there daddy, its christmas childhoods joy land never let go of your dreams. The mercedesbenz winter event is back. Lease the e300 sedan for 569 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Kelly were out of body wash what are you doing . . I thought you had a cold . . I dont need all this. Mucinex fastmax is powerful enough to handle pretty much every symptom. Name one. How bout 9 . Sore throat, cough, even. Yeai can read, you know. Were done here. Ahhh boogers to betsy mucinex fastmax. 9 symptoms. 1 dose. Max strength. Start the relief. Ditch the misery. Lets end this. And for kids multisymptom relief, try 1 recommended childrens mucinex. It all starts with a wish. The final days of wish list are here. Hurry in and sign and drive off in a new lincoln with zero down and a complementary first months payment. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back to the show. My next guest tonight is a comedian and actor who is about to release her first hourlong standup special on netflix. Please welcome Cristela Alonzo applause hello. Hello. Stephen hello. I like the little trot you did coming out here. I get very nervous. I dont wear heels. Ive been practicing walking in these shoes for, like, over a week, and i kept thinking that i was going to fall, and i didnt. Hell yeah. Hashtag nailed it. cheers and applause stephen thats always the beginning of a great interview when the guest makes it to the chair. Its oneth well now with social media, too, if you fall you become famous for all the wrong reasons. You know what i mean . Stephen ill take anything i can get. laughter im not proud. Youre a comedian and youre an actress. Yes. Stephen youre the first latina to have her own Network Television show cristela was on a couple years ago. Yeah. Stephen so, you grew up in a little border town in texas, right . South texas oh, my god, yes . Ayoo stephen how did you get to comedy from there . Were there clubs in your town . How did you no clubs whatsoever. I loved tv. I was a latchkey kid. applause okay. Woo, times were tough woo i was a latchkey kid. I was obsessed with tv. Tv was my best friend, and i used to watch a lot of comedy, a lot of standup. And my mom couldnt speak english, so she didnt know that a lot of comedy had a lot of bad words in it, so all she saw was me laughing, and she was like, ah, mija, you have a good time. Stephen wait, she wouldnt say would she say, tell me that joke . Oh, no, absolutely not. She just loved that i was laughing so much. Well, heres the thing, my mom loved saturday night life. Our big thing when we were kids we would watch saturday night live every saturday after she got out of work. So, she knew that eddie murphy was clean. Stephen eddie murphy was clean . On s. N. L. Stephen on s. N. L. He was clean, right. And so then, the specials came out, and shes like, aye, thats the guy from s. N. L. , like you can watch it. audience reacts and there i am im like okay. And then he starts talking, and im like, oh, damn, i can watch this. And it was like amazing. I loved it and i just fell in love. Comedy has always been my thing. Stephen did she want you to be a comedian . No, god no. She wanted me to cut hair. My mom was a devout catholic, and she always thought practical, be practical. She always said, even in a recession, peoples hair grows. Youll always have a job. Steph true. Life hack. Stephen but if you fall into a depression, then you need a comedian. No, were latino. We dont believe in depression. Stephen you dont . Isnt that weird. I think growing up catholic because i heard you are, too we always kind of had to suck it up. We didnt really stephen sure, my mom would say, offer it up. Oh, yeah . Stephen offer it up. Offer it up. Oh no, my moms like stephen whatever you were suffering, shed say, offer it up and when you got to heaven there would be another jewel in your crown she said. My mom would be more like, dont bother him. Dont bother him. Hes busy. Dont bother him. Stephen no, no, the crown was our big reward. And when we got there, we used to say my crown is going to be so heavy i wont be able to walk around. Youre going to have a crown in heaven . Stephen you get to heaven, you get a crown. My mother was like, mija, in heaven you are going to have electricity, Running Water laughter stephen now, i understand that you recently dabbled in fighting crime. I did okay, my car stephen was this on law order svu . No, im latina. I cant be on law order. audience reacts okay, real talk. This week, my car got broken into. Ive never had my car broken into. Stephen here or . In los angeles. I wouldnt drive in new york. laughter so i was in my friends apartment for 15 minutes, i come down, this gardner comes up to me in spanish and says, aye, this guy broke your window. Hes right there. Like, the guy was across the street. Stephen he didnt even he hadnt run away . No, it had just happened. He was walking away. I had a makeup bag from like sephora, and i saw the black and white bag. He was walking away with it. And im like, damn, thats my bag. So, i look at the gardner, and im like gracias. I crossed the street and i chased after the dude. I chased after the guy with my makeup but i dont do it right away, because i want to see where hes going to turn so i know where he lives. So, he turns a corner stephen when did this happen . Tuesd in those heels, did you . No, no, no. No, oh my god, are you serious . I almost went barefoot just to get more speed. So, i went after the guy, and i said, hey, you gonna give me back my stuff or do i have to get my stuff back from you, because youre gonna give me back my stuff now. cheers and applause and you know, people tell me, youre really stupid for doing that, but im so catholic, that im like, you know what . I trust god. If its my time to go, its my time to go, but im gonna go with my makeup. laughter stephen like your mom would want. Like your mom would want. Dont bother him. Dont bother him. Im going to do it myself. So, i got my bag back. I went back to my friends apartment and im like, hey, my car just got broken into. And he said, no way. And i said, i got my stuff back. Dont worry about that. And i looked in my bag and im like thank god, because there is this lipstick that i had bought that was sold out everywhere. And i got it back, and im like, im batman, bitches. Im batman. Stephen well, lovely to meet you, cristela. Thank you so much. Stephen cristelas special, lower classy, premieres january 24th on netflix. Cristela alonzo, everybody well be right back with a performance by the Avett Brothers. Stick around. T kohls cash for you give joy with fine fragrances an American Girl doll or Diamond Jewelry and youll get kohls cash presents for them, kohls cash for you and starting thursday, stores are open 24 hours. Give joy, get joy at kohls nice man cave nacho . [ train whistle blows ] what . stop it mmhmm. 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Y here flat toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. avo charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. Feel the power of thenew power. Smax. To fight back theraflus powerful new formula to defeat 7 cold and flu symptoms. Fast. So you can play on. Theraflu expressmax. New power. At tmobile, when you holiday together, great things come in twos. Right now when you buy any of this seasons hot new Samsung Galaxy phones, you get a second one free to gift. Thats one samsung for you. One to give. Tmobile. Holiday twogether. Stephen and now a very special performance of george harrisons, give me love, give me peace on earth. Please welcome the Grammy Nominated Avett Brothers cheers and applause give me love, give me love give me peace on earth give me light, give me life keep me free from burden give me hope, help me cope with this heavy load trying to touch and reach you with heart and soul oh, my lord please take hold of my hand that i might understand you wont you please oh, wont you give me love, give me love give me peace on earth give me light, give me life keep me free from burden give me hope, help me cope with this heavy load trying to touch and reach you with heart and soul oh, my lord wont you please oh, wont you give me love, give me love give me peace on earth give me light, give me life keep me free from burden give me hope, help me cope with this heavy load trying to touch and reach you with heart and soul giv l give me peace on earth give me light, give me life keep me, keep me free from burden now give me hope, help me cope with this heavy load trying to touch and reach you with heart and soul oh, my lord cheers and applause stephen the Avett Brothers, everybody. Their album true sadness is available now. Well be right back. What do you think . Hey, think ben will like it . Yeah, was i the only one hearing the angelic music . Im serious, i never know what to get him. Just tell me you got him fios too. Sigh. Mrs. Layne, fios is a 100 fiberoptic network. That, plus this sick console, hell be like whaaaaaattt. Your new tech is best on the 100 fiber optic network. So get fios. Now just 79. 99 per month with a 2year price guarantee with a 2year agreement. Stephen hey, thats it for the late show everybody. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the late, late show reggie ladies and gentlemen, all the way from youngstown,