Transcripts For WRC Late Night With Seth Meyers 20170429

In a new interview, President Trump predicted he would pass Richard Nixon for most appearances on the cover of time magazine. Hey, dude, do you know why nixon was on the cover so many times . [ laughter ] theyre going to make so many documentaries about me. Ill bet i even pass charles manson. [ laughter ] in the same interview, President Trump responded to questions about unsubstantiated claims he recently made by saying, quote, i cant be doing so badly, because im president and youre not. [ light laughter ] im president and youre not. Okay, i didnt mind when you talked dirty with billy bush or told russia to hack hillarys emails, but when you start stealing bits from weekend update anchors [ laughter ] it is on. Also [ cheers and applause ] also, i happen to know this isnt the first time youve done this. Im Norm Macdonald and now, the fake news. [ laughter ] seth you know, i hate to say this, but donald, you ignorant slut. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] press Secretary Sean Spicer said today that the white house was optimistic about the chances of the republican healthcare bill, but, quote, at the end of the day, we cant make people vote. Tell me about it, said one woman. [ laughter ] according to sources, the last time President Trump and former president obama spoke was inauguration day. Said obama, that wasnt me. [ laughter ] Vice President mike pence today met with honduran president juan orlando. Coincidentally, juan orlando is also the alias joe biden uses when hes on spring break in cancun. [ laughter ] put it on the orlando room. [ light laughter ] newly released emails show that vehicles like tanks and rocket launchers in his inaugural parade. But instead, they opted for something more modest, empty bleachers. [ laughter ] today was National Puppy day, you little sons of bitches. [ audience aws ] [ cheers and applause ] i had a really good joke, but it was ruined by how excited you guys were. [ laughter ] you thought i was just celebrating that it was National Puppy day. I get it, theyre puppies. [ light laughter ] theyre still little sons of bitches. [ laughter ] Dunkin Donuts has announced that its getting rid of its coffee coolatta drink and will be replacing it with a new beverage. So get ready for donuts in a cup. [ laughter ] and finally, Customs Officials say a woman attempted to smuggle 14 pounds of cocaine from mexico inside wooden picture frames, but the photo was sort of a dead giveaway. [ laughter ] great show for you tonight. [ cheers and applause ] hes starring in the new movie life, and currently can be seen on broadway in the fantastic revival of sunday in the park with george. Jake gyllenhaal, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] shes performing at carolines on broadway here in new york city april 6th through the 8th. Our friend Whitney Cummings is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] we also have an incredible musical performance from post malone featuring quavo of migos and super producer metro boomin. [ cheers and applause ] looking forward to that as well. Before we get to that portion of the show, republicans postponed a vote on their healthcare bill today, after trying unsuccessfully to ram it through the house. And as this is all happening, the ongoing russian scandal continues to dog the trump white house. For more on this, its time for a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] seth so House Republicans were forced to delay a vote on their healthcare bill today after acknowledging they didnt have the votes to pass it. So what was trump up to on thi nations healthcare . Well, he was meeting with truckers at the white house, and at one point decided to climb into the drivers seat himself. [ applause ] [ laughter ] [ horn honking ] [ laughter ] seth in fairness, he had just seen this bumper sticker. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] now, the last 24 hours in politics have been truly mindboggling. Youve got the president doubling down on his false wiretapping claim, republicans scrambling to cobble together a healthcare bill before anyone even knows whats in it, and new reports that Trump Associates may have coordinated with russia. And all of that comes on top of yesterdays news that paul manafort, trumps former campaign chairman, secretly worked for a russian billionaire with a plan to greatly benefit the putin government. The billionaire was a close putin ally with whom manafort annual contract. So Trumps Campaign chairmans previous job was working to advance Vladimir Putins agenda. Thats like finding out your babysitters previous job was baking children into pies. [ laughter ] and if you feel overwhelmed by the constant drum beat of scandal in this administration, youre not alone. Just check out senator john mccains face when he went on msnbc yesterday to talk trump and russia. There is evidence that is not circumstantial, and is very much worthy of investigation. So that is what we ought to do. With me, arizona senator john mccain. Well, senator . [ laughter ] seth congratulations, senator, you may not know what an emoji is, but you just became one. [ laughter and applause ] that right there thats an 80yearold man who with sarah palin. If you can still shock him, you are doing some crazyass [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] now, the leaking of this latest information about the fbi probe comes on top of a stunt pulled yesterday by the republican chairman of the House Intelligence Committee devin nunes, who claimed that Trump Officials may have been legally surveilled during the transition. Nunes held a press conference, and then ran to the white house to tell trump before telling any of the members of his own committee. Today nunes apologized for not speaking to other members of his own committee first, and explained what brought him to make the decision to take the information to the white house in the first place. Its just a judgment call. I mean, you know, it was my i mean, it was there was a lot going on yesterday. Seth oh, there was a lot going on yesterday . No [ bleep ]. [ light laughter ] and for the rest of us, just so you know, you were the lot that was going on. [ laughter ] now, as troubling as the russian revelations are, what the republicans have been doing outrageous, and it certainly will affect more americans, because republicans, who have complained for years that obamacare was rushed through congress, have literally been rewriting the bill behind closed doors with no public input, in an attempt to ram it through the house before most members of congress, let alone most americans, have any idea whats in it. Republicans running against the clock, as they scramble to save their plan to repeal and replace obamacare. Theyre trying to get it through in a big hurry. And its a total mess. Tonight they seem to be rewriting the bill, essentially. Obamas healthcare bill, the democrats healthcare bill, took i think it was about 14 months for it to pass. This is intended to get passed in just a few weeks. We had to go with the healthcare first. And were doing well, i think were going to have some great surprises. Seth because thats what you want when it comes to healthcare surprises. [ laughter ] although i guess when this guy is your doctor, youre used to surprises. [ laughter ] surprise, man, it turns out you just missed it, man. [ light laughter ] ive been really distracted since my band broke up. [ laughter ] now, today republicans said they would postpone the vote after spending all night frantically rewriting major portions of the bill to try to win over hard line conservatives. So what did they come up with during those negotiations . The changes republicans are talking about would strip away the essential Health Benefits included in obamacare. These benefits mandate things that Insurance Companies must cover in all plans, including prescription drugs, pregnancy, maternity and newborn care, and hospitalization. Thats right. Republicans think that your Insurance Plan shouldnt be required to cover hospitals. But dont worry, every american gets one free ride on the cart that picks up your dead. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] heres the problem with getting rid of essential Health Benefits like Maternity Care. If you dont require all insurance to provide them, no one will. But republicans just dont seem to understand how this works. For example, today a reporter asked kansas senator pob how he felt about repealing the essential Health Benefits. And roberts joked, i wouldnt want to lose my mammograms. That comment outraged many people, including democratic congresswoman jackie speier, who replied, i dont want to lose my Prostate Cancer screenings either. [ light laughter ] and republicans are going to need prostate exams because they clearly pulled this bill out of their asses. [ cheers and applause ] and if youre wondering if youre wondering why republicans would strip Maternity Care and mammograms from health insurance, this photo of conservatives meeting with trump today tells you all you need to know. Look how many middle aged white dudes there are. Get those guys some guitars and a drum set, and thats a cialis commercial. [ laughter ] mustang sally yeah [ laughter ] so republicans are radically reshaping one fifth of the economy in a matter of hours, behind closed doors, with no public input. That is insane, cruel, and reckless, and remember, this is how republicans reacted when they thought obamacare, which rushed through congress. Look at how this bill was written. Can you say it was done openly . With transparency and accountability . Without backroom deals and struck behind closed doors, hidden from the people . Hell no, you cant seth and now that weve proven ourselves to be craven hypocrites, hell bent on kicking millions of people off insurance, can you believe a word we say . Hell, no, you cant [ laughter ] seth so trump and gop leaders are rushing this bill through the house against the wishes of almost every Interest Group and without any public input first. Which may explain why this bill is massively unpopular. According to a new poll out today, only 17 of American Voters approve of the proposal. And yet trump has not only been on board with it, hes been personally involved in winning over votes. In fact, after a meeting with hard line conservatives last week, he wouldnt shut up about how many votes hed won. These are folks that were either a no or a maybe. Nos are all yeses. These folks were nos. Mostly nos. Now every single one is a yes. 100 of the nos are yeses. Some of them were strong nos. Some were just nos, and we had a couple that were mixed. We took 12 nos or seminos, no yeses, we met with 12 pretty much nos. They went from all nos to all yeses. Seth no, there were no yeses, there were nos that became yeses and yes, the nos know other nos that are still nos, and yes, there are yeses that are now nos who know other nos who are now yeses. I think that [ applause ] were doing very well. Its going very well. In fact, trump has apparently been strong arming some members of congress, reportedly telling them in private meetings that if they vote no, quote, im going to come after you. But i wouldnt sweat it too much. Pretty slow lumber. That was the [ laughter ] that the obamacare approach was to take. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] seth now, kicking 24 Million People off healthcare and removing hospital care from insurance requirements sounds indefensible. It is. In fact, republicans are so at a loss to defend their plan, they are now literally asking us to use our imaginations, as Health Secretary tom price did on cnn. Imagine if you will a system that actually drives down costs of Health Coverage for individuals. Imagine if you will a system that actually provides patients with an array of options. Imagine a medicaid system that actually works better for patients. So imagine, if you will, a system that puts patients at the center of it. So think about, imagine a system, if you will. Imagine you have healthcare [ laughter ] seth but that is essentially the republicans pitch to voters an t just imagine a great healthcare plan. In fact, republicans keep insisting that this bill that theyre rushing through congress is only the first part of a threepart plan that will deal with different parts of the healthcare system. A plan theyre referring to as the three bucket strategy. But even hard line conservatives like ted cruz think that socalled third bucket will never come. That aint gonna happen. Its their socalled three bucket solution, which is all the good stuff is in bucket three. Anything in bucket three ive called bucket three the suckers bucket. [ laughter ] seth the suckers bucket of course is also trumps favorite order from kfc. [ laughter and applause ] the enormity of what is happening right now cant be overstated. Republicans are trying to ram a bill that no one wants through Congress Without telling americans whats in it. Even though it will kick millions off insurance. And so far, they cant get the votes for it. Surely, after his terrible performance today, trump wouldnt be tooting his own horn. [ horn honking ] [ laughter ] this has been a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with more late night, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] red line, 20 minute delay. Oh, no. rhythmic clatter cant get a signal . So annoying, right . Yeah, and im late for a job interview. Hey, man, can you just nix it, just for like two seconds . Thank you. You need verizon. They have the largest, most reliable 4g lte network in america. 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Look at me. Just pull on the lever okay come on just pull down on the lever seth please welcome back to the show, our friend jake gyllenhaal, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] seth youre right. [ cheers and applause ] i mean, how do you come out after that . Seth i know. Its what we were saying, its a very intense clip to introduce someone. Just look at me seth you know. So well find out if his friend died. Lets bring him out. Its like, oh my god. Seth but this is, youre a very sometimes, youre promoting this film which is coming out but also right now, youre on broadway doing sunday in the park. Yes. Seth has it been fantastic . Have you its been life changing. Its an incredible piece. Sunday in the park with george is and then and then meanwhile, having a lot of fun talking about this movie which is a whole bunch fun. But, yeah. No i mean yeah i we do, you know, the press tours, you go around the world. And last week we went around to europe. And it was amazing. Right before we did a show on sunday and we flew off after. And at that show, i was in the you know, and i, annaleigh ashford, who was here. Seth i know. Fantastic costar. Shes fantastic. And she always talks about her heart chakra. Seth oh, she does. Shes always like, my heart chakra. Its open to you. You know what i mean . And im like, well so is mine. And i and i, second half of the show, i was like, my heart chakra is like, way open. Seth oh really . I dont know whats [ light laughter ] i dont know whats going on. Seth this is the first time you were aware of an open heart chakra. Maybe ever. Yes. Its stone cold most of the time. So i didnt really and i was like, i didnt know it was this overwhelming feeling and its hard to be like almost on the verge of tears in something very emotional when you try and tell the story. So i was like, just keep it together man. Tell the story. And i just couldnt keep it together. And i came off stage, and someone was like, Mandy Patinkin was in the audience. And Mandy Patinkin was the original character in this show. He originated this this character. And i was like, it must mandy opened my heart chakra. Seth he opened it. [ laughter and applause ] he took this cold little bean that is my heart [ laughter ] and he made it he made it swell. Seth he brought it out. He watered it with some some mandy water. I mean yeah, yeah sure. Seth maybe not. Maybe not. Yeah, totally. But, i mean, it was like it was a moment that i will never forget. It is i have to say, probably the one of the proudest moments of my career that he was there and he came back stage and we cried together. Seth really . Yeah. We me and annaleigh and him. We all seth and did he have what was his feedback on your performance . He was like, it was mediocre at best. Seth okay, gotcha. Yeah. He was he was he was crying because he felt horrible for me. Seth he felt so bad. [ laughter ] but my heart chakra was open. So i seth hes like, also, this might have happened, might not happened. I might have accidentally opened your heart chakra. Yeah, and that was like seth and im so sorry. [ laughter ] i mean, hes brilliant. So he may have been able to. Seth thats the first person ever. Seth there you go. And when annaleigh was here, she was talking one of the things she didnt expect, and i think probably a lot of audiences, they dont understand what a great singer you are. And you sort of tell her really . Why . Seth we just havent S High School . Oh, my god, yeah. I was in like really intense, competitive show choir. Yeah. Seth because this but you say intense and competitive. Because i feel like her sense of what it was is not what it was. Because i think she thinks it was like boyz ii men. Its so hard to say goodbye. To be honest i still think it was like boyz ii men. [ laughter ] but really it was like a whole bunch of massive nerds just like psyched out. Like pretending they were boyz ii men. No, we were like we were very good. Seth yes. Great. I mean it was. [ laughter and applause ] were there competitions . Yeah, like, no, i mean, like we did some of the contemporary classics, you know . Seth what are contemporary classics . I do not remember the names of any them. But definitely like Something Like like the flower of the bridge. It was like now. It was sort of like Classical Music but you sing it. Seth so how many people were in your show choir . I think there were like approximately 20. Seth when you walked off ever infighting . Did everybody oh my god. It was brutal. Seth really . They were like, you hit that note. You didnt hit that note, that was sharp you know like, we could have won you know, it was really intense. Seth was this something did you ever turn on anybody . Always. I seth really . Yeah. [ laughter ] im incredibly competitive about show choir. I nothing else. Seth yeah. Just that. We actually had fun. Like, i remember getting drunk for the first time off zima together. Seth oh really . That was a big that was a big moment. Seth i think zima the commercial for zima had show choir guys. They should have. [ laughter ] they should have. I think was set to boyz ii men music. Seth yeah, probably. It was very fluent. And then and that was it though. Show choir i mean, i performed in high school. Seth gotcha. And ive always sung and my family sings. We all sing like the partridge family. Seth yeah. So its great. Seth youre a big youre Christmas Carol guy. I know that about i am a huge Christmas Carol guy. That is true. I have a party every year for christmas and we sing Christmas Carols, and everybody is forced to do that. [ laughter ] and youve been there, and ive been like, god, youre flat [ laughter ] seth this show choir stuff is very hitting home close to home for me. I feel like ive been one of those people. Am i opening your heart chakra . Seth yeah. Its [ laughter ] it was open and now its a little tentative. So what theres a fantastic cast in the film. And you the great thing we were talking back stage, as you can see from the clip, this is zero gravity. So youre sort of floating around. Obviously youre not in zero gravity in the film. How are you zipping around . We actually all know how to fly. Seth okay, gotcha. [ laughter ] yeah, so they just true characters that i hired all the actors who know how to fly. Seth gotcha, yeah. So thats how we did that. Seth they were like, jake, you almost got the part. They went with a flyer. No theyre like, jake, you really know how to suck the atmosphere out of the room. So, you know. [ laughter ] seth there you go. [ applause ] who knew . Seth well, cause they all looked really good. I thought, they sure special effects for everybody who knows how to fly. Thank you. My lack of personality just does it. Seth ryayn seth he is, yeah. And you guys have scenes together. What . Seth yeah. That guy is great. Seth i feel is it safe to say . Because i feel like in looking at press for the show, people are fascinated by the fact that you two could actually be friends. I feel like theres the thing were people are like, oh, i would love it if those guys were friends in real life. And you are. Really . Was it because of my stonecold heart . Or what is it . Seth yeah. I they were like, this is one of them is so upbeat. And then the other one is such an awful awful mean guy. One seems so approachable. One of them just plays the weirdest characters ive ever seen. Seth yeah, theyre like a yin and yang. Yeah. I mean, i guess thats sort of a thing is like when, you know, youre with contemporaries, i think were sort of weirdly kept apart. I dont know. Seth sure. You know, i dont know what its about, but i guess you just are. And so ive known him passing a little bit, but i didnt know him till we started working. And it was just hes just a great dude. Like, hes a great seth are you you are friends with him. No. Seth okay. [ laughter ] i mean, i dont know him ive never really spoken to him. Seth you couldnt could you get him on the phone . Yeah. I can get him on the phone. I said, yes. [ laughter ] seth do you have your phone . I said that and then you were worried. [ light laughter ] okay, im hoping my mom does the best Ryan Reynolds impersonation right now. Seth are you going to try to get Ryan Reynolds on the phone. Yeah, lets see if we can a hold of him. Seth are you going to try to face time him so we can prove its Ryan Reynolds. We can. Seth okay. [ cheers and applause ] i got to look good for him. So hold on a second. You wanna check out if youre seth i look good. As we were calling him right now. Seth theres and then well put him to one when you get him through. This is crazy if he answers. Seth you dont know Ryan Reynolds. [ laughter ] oh, my god. Please answer. Or dont if youre taking a bath or something. Seth ill call ill call blake, too. Come on, man. [ laughter ] youre eating up precious tv time. No. Seth you dont know ryan i swear, well try it one more time. Seth why will you try it one more time . You just keep talking. Seth do you think hes looking at it . What . [ laughter ] seth did k time . You think hes gonna think its an emergency . No, im totally listening. Seth okay. [ laughter ] all right, good. Because ive been going through some stuff and i dont know. Ever since we had the baby, its like talk to ryan. Seth oh, hi. Is he on . Oh no. [ laughter ] seth he just saw your face and got excited. I know it was like, oh jake. Hey except were not face timing. I just put on the photo thing. And im just looking at myself. Okay. Seth that was totally it was a nice try though. That was a good try. Seth all right, put your phone away. So, for continuity. Ill put it on just in case he calls back. Seth well, yeah, just put it away so we can cut around it. [ laughter ] i put it away. Seth just put it away. Then try to sit the way you were before ryan came up. [ laughter ] i like do you want to call Mandy Patinkin . Seth no, no, no you sure . Seth im positive. [ cheers and applause ] stop chasing this case. You just have to admit that nobody is going to answer. Its my dream. Li see you buddy. Congrats on the play. Congrats on the movie. Thank you. Seth thank you for being here. [ cheers and applause ] give it up for jake gyllenhaal, everybody. Life arrives in theaters this friday. Well be right back with more late night [ cheers and applause ] just press clean and let roomba help with your everyday messes. A full suite of sensors automatically guides roomba throughout your home. Cleaning under furniture, along edges, and in corners. And roombas patented 3stage cleaning system agitates, brushes and suctions dirt from your floors for up to 2 hours, recharging itself when it needs to. Which means your floors are always clean. You and roomba, from irobot. Better. 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They got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. chuckling or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian. laughing or you, a ghost, and me, a spirit. laughing new left and right twix® packs. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Please give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also, sitting in all this week, weve had the groundbreaking drummer from one of the big four bands in thrash metal, anthrax, whos latest album, for all kings, is out now and be sure to check out their upcoming u. S. Tour that kicks off next wednesday in new jersey, charlie benante, everybody. Thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] im glad you enjoyed it. So an interesting thing happened during our commercial break. I had a microphone issue and so i had to go backstage, and when i went backstage this actually pp m hes calling. [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] wait ryan, hold on whoa. Seths not here because and im going to steal his desk. Hold on. [ laughter ] seths not here because he didnt believe we were friends. [ cheers and applause ] oh the desk mic. Oh yeah, okay here, the desk mic. Say hi to everybody. Heres what im doing. Pushing baby strollers. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] dude, so anyway, weve got to go, because hes got to do a sh lips done. So ill see you later. [ laughter ] have fun. All right. [ crowd yells bye ] see you, everybody. Seth apologies to jake gyllenhaal, you know Ryan Reynolds. Our next guest is a very funny comedian and actress. Shell be performing at carolines on broadway, april 6th through 8th. You can also see her in the film unforgettable, which will open in theaters april 21st. Please welcome back to the show our very good friend, Whitney Cummings, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] hi. Seth how are you . Im just trying to manage this precarious dress i chose. Seth it is a little precarious. It looks wonderful on you. Thank you. Seth those are all great colors on you. Tubes. [ laughter ] oh, there you go, we can always cut around that. Yeah, please or cut them. Thats fine too. [ laughter ] i wish i had someone famous to facetime for you. Seth thats all right. Dont worry about it. Every time i try to facetime Ryan Reynolds, he calls the police. Seth oh really . Yeah. Seth well hes made it very clear thats what hes going to do. Yeah, totally. Seth im very im always excited to see you. Its great when youre in town to do stand up. But this is very exciting, you just directed your first film . I did. I directed a movie. Seth well done. [ cheers and applause ] that you cowrote with our shared best friend, neil brennan. I wrote it with neil brennen who seth believes is his best friend. I believe is my best friend. Seth well figure it out one of these days. You can you know what, its your show. Seth you wrote a movie with him so i guess thats one for you. Thats true. I guess i won that round. Seth yeah. Well, so we wrote this movie together. I ended up directing it, and im at this place in the process where you get focus groups to watch the movie and tell you what they think. Seth sure. And its a very interesting process. Its basic that like, know nothing about it, come in and have the power to change it. Its kind of like our current president ial administration. Seth right. [ light laughter ] but i learned a lot, i notably learned that men dont know how women masturbate. Seth oh, interesting. Learn that. Seth so theres obviously a scene that explains it in the movie . Theres a scene. Basically Cecily Strong seth fantastic. Your friend the best. Seth my old colleague. Yes, is yeah [ cheers and applause ] seth one of the all time best. Shes unbelievable. She plays the wife of blake griffin, the basketball player seth there you go. Whos also an amazing actor. Seth really funny guy too. Very annoying. Seth yeah. [ light laughter ] and the scene is, shes masturbating and he walks in on her and sort of, catches her. Right . Shes at a desk on her laptop, i based it on my experience, cause when i masturbate i google myself. [ laughter ] seth whatever it takes. I can only have an orgasm if im looking at my negative comments on twitter. [ light laughter ] and people were very confused by it. The focus groups were very confused. One guy was like, hey, i didnt understand that she was masturbating because like, where were the candles . [ light laughter ] is that what you guys think we do . That when we masturbate, we make it like a ceremony, like like its a witchcraft, like were like were moving a ouija board . Like it was like you that when we masturbate its like a meatloaf video from the 80s. [ light laughter ] seth im realizing i would have accepted anything. [ laughter ] where do guys get this idea. Like do is it porn. Is there candle porn out there . Seth i havent seen much candle porn. No . Seth no. Like is it menorah porn . Seth ive seen that, yes. Menorahography. Menor menoro seth menorno [ laughter ] that was very educational. Seth but are people honest with you . Do you feel like youre getting honest feedback on the film . Its like basically, you know, focus group comes in, and they write all these comments, so its anonymous. Which, when you make things anonymous, like the internet, the worst parts of them come out. So i got some pretty rough comments from people, they write things like, i think youre shrill, and stuff like that, which i had to look up the definition, its not a compliment. But i find myself finding any ways to talk myself out of people being legitimate. Like if they misspell one word, im like, he doesnt know what hes talking about, im likeable. [ light laughter ] seth but im very happy to se that youre also taking care of yourself. You went to mexico. I went to mexico. Seth howd it go . For new years eve. You guys, i made some bad choices in mexico. Seth great. [ laughter ] lay them out for us. Im not going to lie to you. Did an edible ate an edible. Fans have edibles . [ cheers and applause ] sort of yeah . Seth for those that dont know, this is when marijuana is in delicious candy. Seth yeah. Legalized in california. Id like to retract my vote after eating an edible. [ laughter ] because smoking weed, i feel like the high hits you within like the day you smoke it seth right. Whereas edibles, it could take weeks seth sure. For it to kick in. I mean, i, i i mean literally, you could take it on a friday and monday morning youre driving to work and be like, broccolis a weird word. [ laughter ] so i did an edible, i thought everybody was going fine. Seth what was the form of your edible . It was like a jelly gummy. Seth yeah yeah. Seth see thats my problem, i feel like this is a friend who told me this, but [ laughter ] network television. Seth this friend can moderate weed, but has a real problem slowing down on gummy bears, so thats the issue. [ laughter ] hes excited about the gummies and forgets about yeah, we need to get you some candy. Seth yeah, just i wanted to cool look cool in front of my so i had it with weed to look cooler but really what i wanted was just a bag of gummy bears. Yeah, exactly. See i just wanted the weed. I didnt want the gummy bears. But so i took it, and you realize youre high when you start thinking your friends are stealing from you. [ light laughter ] i was sitting across from a friend of mine, we were having a great conversation, i was just like, theyre stealing my jewelry. [ laughter ] my jewel i dont wear jewelry. And seth right, because they stole it. They stole it, thats right. So im getting paranoid, whereas in alcohol, i can tell when ive drank too much. I can say, seth, ive had too many drinks, i have some bad ideas. I think i should sing adele at karaoke, take me home. I can say like, im starting to send emojis to exboyfriends, i need to get out of here, whereas with weed, i just cant. I cant admit it with anybody. So was like, let me just go to the buffet and regroup. [ laughter ] im just going to metabolize this quickly. I got up, i made it like a good like you know those balloon men outside of Car Dealerships . Seth sure. [ light laughter ] they kind of seth yeah, they fold in half. Its like the sternum first and your head is like, no, were not going. And then i went down. And then, i saw a friend of mines legs going past me, like away from me, and thats all i could focus on the next morning. I asked her, i was like, why did you leave when i fell face first into the sand . She was like, oh, i thought you were doing a bit. [ light laughter ] which is the internal nightmare of a comedian, there will be a day, because we are jokesters, that i will have a heart attack, and no one will help me. [ light laughter ] seth yeah. Well the whole as you have the heart attack, youll have to be telling yourself, dont be funny about this. [ laughter ] and theyre be like, oh, how much attention does she need . So im worried that im going to die, because people think people think that im just doing bits all the time. Seth and then i will i would like to speak at your funeral and say, we finally found out how much attention she needs. [ laughter ] seth its always so great to see you. Thank you so much for being here with me. I love you, seth. I love you. Thank you. [ cheers and applause ] see her at carolines april 6th through the 8th. Well be right back with more late night. [ cheers and applause ] im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, even if youre not a customer. New degree ultraclearnt saving black white. Othes. No yellow stains on white clothes. No white marks on black clothes. New degree ultraclear black white. 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They help protect and grow your many sides. Nationwide is on your side. Well its a perfect nespresso hold on a second. Orge. Mmm. [mel torme sings comin home baby] hey there. Want a lift . Where are we going . No dont tell me. Let me guess. Have a nice ride. How far would you go for coffee thats a cup above . I brought you nespresso. Nespresso. What else . Seth my next guests debut album, stoney, has been streamed over a billion times and sold more than a million copies worldwide. Here to perform his hit, congratulations, with special guests, quevo and metro boomin, give it up for post malone. [ cheers and applause ] my momma called seen you on tv son said thangs done changed ever since we was on i dreamed it all ever since i was young they said i wont be nothing now they always say congratulations worked so hard forgot how to vacation they aint never had the dedication people hatin say we changed and look we made it yeah we made it they was never friendly yeah now im jumping out the bentley yeah and i know i sound dramatic yeah but i know i had to have it yeah for the money im a savage yeah i be itching like a addict yeah im surrounded twenty bad thangs yeah but they didnt know me last year yeah hold up everyone wanna act like they important yeah yeah yeah but all that mean nothing when i saw my dough yeah yeah yeah yeah everyone countin on me drop the ball yeah yeah yeah yeah everything custom like im at the border yeah yeah if you love it winning put your lighters to the sky how could i make sense when i got millions on my mind coming with that bull i just put that to the side balling since a baby they could see it in my eyes my momma called seen you on tv son said thangs done changed ever since we was on i dreamed it all ever since i was young they said i wont be nothing now they always say congratulations congratulations worked so hard forgot how to vacation they aint never had the dedication people hatin say we changed and look we made it yeah we made it i was patient yeah oh i was patient aye oh now i can scream that we made it now everyone everywhere i go they say gratulations young young graduate i pick up the rock and i ball baby im looking for someone to call baby but right now i got a situation never old benben franklins big rings champagne my life is like a ball game but instead im in the trap though pot so big call it super bowl super bowl call the get in the rolls topfloor lifestyle huncho and post yeah malone i got a play on my phone aye you know what im on aye Huncho Houdini is gone aye my momma called seen you on tv son said thangs done changed ever since we was on i dreamed it all ever since i was young they said i wont be nothing now they always say congratulations congratulations worked so hard forgot how to vacation they aint never had the dedication people hatin say we changed and look we made it yeah we made it hey hey congratualtions hey hey new York City Post malone quevo metro boomin hey hey hey hey hey hey hold up hey hey hey yeah thank you. [ cheers and applause ] seth post malone, quevo, metro boomin, everybody. The album stoney is out now. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] to make clothes appear brighter. Quit playin with my eyes, goo. So, seventh generation developed this powerful natural detergent it gets your clothes clean. Really clean. Buh bye blue goo, and come clean with seventh generation. Hes got a condo. Hes got a car. Hes got a career. But that still doesnt mean he gets you. Time to shine. Orbit. Deartheres no other way to say this. Its over. Ive found a permanent escape from monotony. Together, we are perfectly balanced, our senses awake, our hearts racing as one. I know this is sudden, but they say if you love something. Set it free. See you around, giulia so ammara, youre a verizon engineer, tell me, whats one really good reason why the Samsung Galaxy s8 is better on verizon . Well we have the largest 4g lte network in america. Yeah thats a pretty good reason. And the most reliable. Uhhuh. And, with unlimited, you get full hd video. Oh wow, yeah, thats, uh, okay. Sure, whatever you say. vo if you really, really want the best, switch to verizon unlimited and get the galaxy s8 for just 15 a month. I saw you take those phones, you know. No, you didnt. Is thno, its, uh, breyers gelato indulgences. You really wouldnt like it. Its got caramel and crunchy stuff. I like caramel and crunchy stuff. Breyers gelato indulgences. Its way beyond ice cream. If yits usually because you were driving too fast or you didnt look before you turned or you didnt stop for someone in the crosswalk. Always be alert. Pedestrians dont come with airbags. [ cheers and applause ] announcer for more late night, go to latenightseth. Com, follow us on instagram and twitter latenightseth. And be sure to check us out on youtube and facebook. Head over to itunes and subscribe to the late night with seth meyers podcast and youll get a closer look and more downloaded right to your phone every day. [doorbell] when you have doctors working as a team for your health, you get the care you need to help you thrive. Visit kp. Org to learn more. Kaiser permanente. Thrive. [ cheers and applause ] seth my thanks to jake gyllenhaal, Whitney Cummings, post malone, quavo, metro boomin. Charlie benante and of course the 8g band. Stay tuned for carson daly. Well see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] carson whats up everybody . Im carson daly. This is last call by way of the time new york hotel. Heres tonights rundown. Billions sr asia kate dillon