Theres nobody bigger than beyonce. Jimmy yes, there is and ow. Dame oprah, its dame oprah, its her jimmy its not oprah. You got stamos you finally got john stamos on the show. Thats amazing. Jimmy its not john stamos, and hes been on the show a bunch of times. Its not oprah. Its the president of the United States and he needs this room. Secret service is here and they have dogs who will bite you if you dont leave. Clear out. Im sorry. Im going to slap you again. Jimmy please dont, it hurt that time too. You got the president , huh . Wow. Its a big deal. Jimmy hes got two months left on the job. Good get, lame duck. Anyway this ones from matt damon. I can sign that for you now. Jimmy make it out to dicky from hollywood, its Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight, president barack obama. And obama mean tweets 2. And now heres jimmy kimmel [ cheers and applause ] . Jimmy hi, everybody. Im the host. Thank you for watching. Thank you for coming. Congratulations on making it here. Through security. If youre wondering why you got sniffed by dogs on the way in its either because the president is here or you have sausages in your pockets. Its a big deal when the president comes to visit. The secret service was very thorough this afternoon. I got my office swept and my prostate checked. [ laughter ] and guess what, obamacare covered the whole thing. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] never before has an outgoing president sat down with an incoming Vice President , this is nothing short of historic. Speaking of historic, tomorrow the chicago cubs. The president of course is from chicago. He tweeted, ill say it, holy cow cubs fans, even this white sox fan was happy to see wrigley rocking last night, fly the w. Im not sure how i feel about the president using hash tags. [ cheers and applause ] i am excited about the cubs. Its their first world series since 1945 and theyre pulling out all the stops. The great former chicago bull Scottie Pippen was at Wrigley Field on saturday. He had the honor of leading the crowd in the traditional take me out to the ball game. Who knew scotty was such a big baseball fan. . Take me out to the ball . . I dont care if im . . Boop boop boop . Jimmy at least he got the team name right. [ cheers and applause ] obviously the cubs winning was a bit of a letdown for us in l. A. Because they beat the dodgers, they beat them in six games, although the dodgers are demanding a recount, this whole thing might be rigged. [ laughter ] imagine if we did that for everything. Dodgers had a great season but ultimately the cubs were too much sure was hi, everybody [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh my goodness hi jimmy legendary chicago cubs announcer harry caray, everyone [ cheers and applause ] first of all, big congratulations on your cubs. What is this, pretzels . These are wetzels pretzels. Yeah a little lady was handing them out down the road. Who wants a pretzel, huh . [ cheers and applause ] get n im so excited to meet you. Were in the middle of a pretty big show right now do you know where wetzel gets all his delicious pretzels . Jimmy i do not. He rolls them. Out of dough. Jimmy oh. Gives the offspeed pitch, smacks a chopper into shallow right, and the cubs have a runner on base with no outs. Hey, johnny jimmy its jimmy. [ laughter ] hey, hey hey, johnny did you know that the last time the cubbies won the world series it was 1908 . Jimmy you know what, i did know that, thats a long time. Long time, 1908. In 1908 our president was Theodore Huxtable roosevelt. [ laughter ] did you know that . Jimmy i didnt americas top export was fruit rollups. [ laughter ] and the number one Television Show was the fresh ce starring the six Million Dollar man himself lee majors. Jimmy i didnt know we had television. None of that seems accurate at all. Madison russell gets a piece of that one, durham goes to second, two men on with none out. Jimmy no, this is interesting to me. Clearly youve been following baseball even though youve been you passed away in 1998. 1998 . Jimmy yeah. Jimmy well, if youre bringing attention to baseball, have you also been paying attention to the election . Hell, ill too busy putting the stones to janis joplin. Jimmy what . Really . Hold on. Yeah. I know. Huh . Jimmy i never no, i dont have a chance to tell anyone about it ever. Jimmy thats incredible. Ill tell you this much, jimmy johnny, sorry. You get past the armpit hair and shes all lady. Take another little piece of my heart now baby afterlife, that is amazing. I wouldnt call it dating. Long slide to the wall, he goes back, he has it and the runners tagged, men on first and third, one out. Jimmy have you heard that donald trump is the republican candidate for president . What the are you trying to kill me again . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] watch out for crowds with machetes are they here . Jimmy no, theyre not here. Were talking about donald trump yeah, donald trump. Oh, boy. Back with it. I knew him when he would sneak into the press box and throw kennedy half dollar coins at the dominican players. Jimmy he did . Trumps got those little tiny mitts. [ laughter ] he looked like he was flinging silver dinner platters with those things. Jimmy you know, we have he its the contrast between the coins and the tiny jimmy i understand. President obama there are no clowns here . Jimmy no clowns. President obama is from chicago, hes here on the show barack obama . [ cheers and applause ] hes a white sox fan but i forgive him. Jimmy thats very big of you. Hes been terrific. You know what that guy ought to do now that hes got some time . Jimmy what . Jimmy a what . Yeah. A shrimp shack. Jimmy a shrimp shack . Everybody loves shrimp, jeffrey. Jimmy jimmy. Theres something about them. Theyre tasty. He can call it something like, obamas world of shrimp. Jimmy oh, thats people digging in, enjoying their shrimp. He could come around. How are you enjoying your shrimp . Jimmy okay. Are they hot enough for you . In tinfoil and we got ourselves a road win. Jimmy oh, that maybe some beer with the shrimp, i remember how much you loved that. Do they have beer in heaven . Hell, yes, they have beer. Not just any beer. Budweiser beer [ cheers and applause ] aimed, served in a metal can, just like its supposed to. Give it a sip. Jimmy no thanks, im all oh, come on, the dead guys dont got no cooties. [ cheers and applause ] there you go. Jimmy yeah. You know what i say. Jimmy what . Why have one when you could have 12 . Budweiser the king of beer. Jimmy harry, before you go do me one favor. Vin scully was here. Right, yeah. Jimmy dodgers announcer. I remember him well, good kid. Jimmy im sure hell appreciate that. Years ago i hit a home run in a softball game and it was televised. Vin scully did the play by play for me. I was wondering if you would be so kind as to also do play by a home run. I dont know, i dont know [ cheers and applause ] i dont think so. Jimmy do you want to hear harry caray . [ cheers and applause ] all right. All right, timmy. All right. Roll it. Jimmy jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel. Roll it. Okay. Up next, jimmy kimmel, boy is he fat. Can tarp the field with his uniform pants, hes that big. Heres the pitch. He swings. Its a home run swings for the fences, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom the stadium is shaking jimmy its not. Obviously it wasnt built to code. Jimmy all right, we get it. The footsteps of a 900pound man. Hey, save some peanuts and ke jimmy harry caray, folks [ cheers and applause ] my pleasure. Jimmy yes. My pleasure. Night, everyone lets go, lets go, show Scottie Pippen how its done. A one and a two . Take me out to the ball game take me out to the crowds . . Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks . . He has an eating disorder . Jimmy we have to take a break. President obama reads mean tweets. Stick around harry caray. . The Old Ball Game . 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The easiest way to underwear. At planters we know how to throw a remarkable holiday party. Just serve classy snacks and be a gracious host, no matter who shows up. . Jimmy welcome back to the show. President obama is here tonight. First before we get to that, Hillary Clinton got good news this weekend. According to the latest poll from abc news shes leading donald trump by 12 points. She has a 20point lead among women. A 3point lead with men. Significantly behind when it comes to men who have large plastic testicles dangling from the bumpers of their trucks. [ cheers and applause ] both Hillary Clinton and donald trump were at the Al Smith Dinner thursday night. This is an annual Charity Event in new york where the candidates will show up, politicians show up, to make jokes and give each other a little roasting. It started off fun. Then it took a turn. But we slowed it down for another episode of drunk donald trump. [ tape playing slowly ] i wasnt really sure if hillary was going to be here tonight. Because i guess you didnt send her invitation. By email. Delivery, it really is. Whoever does win on november 8th will not have it easy. Being president is a tough job. Its one of the only jobs where you get a new Approval Rating every single day. Its really just president and uber driver, those are the only two. And now that we have this thing called social media, the president gets hundreds of judgments every hour of every day. Many of them unpleasant. Tonight once again president obama has agreed to read some of them for our secondever president ial edi o tweets. [ cheers and applause ] barack obama is the nickelback of president s. Obama couldnt negotiate getting a whopper without pickles. Woodstock dave. Thanks, dave. I bet obama likes mustard on his hot dogs because hes gross. duckpunks. Puke. In caps. momoffourmunchkins. Barack obama dances like how his jeans look. You know, this jeans thing. This is so old. These are years ago, come on. My mom bought new conditioner and it sucks, it isnt even conditioning my hair, i blame obama. [ laughter ] barack obama, bro, do you even lift . Well, i lifted the ban on cuban cigars, thats worth something. [ cheers and applause ] barack obama is the sharknado of president s. Loud, stupid, and overhyped. Sharknado4. President obama will go down as perhaps the worst president in the history of the united realdonaldtrump. Well, realdonaldtrump, at least i will go down as a president. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy well be right back with president obama [ cheers and applause ] omes in by the hollies swim out of the path . . And the seagulls theyll be smilin . . And the rocks on the sand. . Its so peaceful up here. Yeah. [ eagle screech ] introducing the new turbocharged volkswagen alltrack with 4motion . Allwheel drive. Soon to be everywhere. Ind the perfect designer boots at such an amazing price . 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Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, this is an individual who mocked a disabled reporter. I dont know what i said, ahh. Who attributed a reporters questions to her menstrual cycle. Trump blood coming out of her. Wherever. He is not a person who is equipped in temperament, judgment or character to lead our troops. Donald trump has created a toxic atmosphere pitting one group against another. Hes a mexican. Claiming a person cant do the job because of their race is sort of like the textbook definition of a racist comment. Priorities usa action is responsible for the content of this advertising. Ive traveled to all 72 ive heard from a lot of people. Including seniors, concerned that ron johnson is going to turn medicare into a voucher program. Senior dont let it happen russ. Russ ive heard from families in need of good paying jobs. Blue collar guy ron johnsons trade deals help other countries, not us. Russ the bottom line people want an economy that delivers for them. Man we just need a fair shake, and, russ, i think you need a bigger van. Russ im Russ Feingold ove but senator johnson sided lost to unfair trade. With corporate interests, calling for even more unfair trade, voting for special tax breaks for corporations shipping jobs overseas, costing taxpayers billions. And johnsons been exposed for using what looks like an offshore tax shelter for himself. Ron johnsons just not for us. Senate majority pac is responsible for the content of this advertising. . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi, there, welcome back. You are here on a big night. The president of the United States is here. Hes backstage eating as many mozzarella sticks as he can before he gets home to michelle, she does not allow them in the white house. We have new shows this week with felicity jones, gordon ramsey, science bob pflugfelder, Jimmy Eat World so join us for all of that. [ cheers and applause ] i am very appreciative tonights guest can take time away from helping rig the election to join us tonight. He is the 44th president of the United States. Hell soon be out of work so please accept his linkedin request. Please welcome president barack obama [ cheers and applause ] . [ cheers and applause ] thank you thank you jimmy how are you doing . Im doing great. Jimmy you seem like youre in a good mood lately. [ laughter ] second of all, i think you know, that you pick on your audience a little bit during the breaks. Jimmy yeah, during the commercial breaks, yeah, i do, yeah. Youre kind of tough on them. Jimmy im not running for anything. Oh, wait, im running for Vice President no wonder my names not on the ballot. Should have gotten some tips. Jimmy i should have. You should have called. Jimmy i called, nobody answered. Biden didnt take your call . Jimmy biden did not take the call. Literally no one took the call, it was remarkable. When was the last time you went through a metal detecter . I dont go through metal detectors. [ laughter ] i apply metal detectors. Or people do so for me. Jimmy when that day comes in the future, and it is going to come [ laughter ] you are going to be mad, arent you . Well you know, i keep secret service after i leave. Jimmy right. So jimmy oh. Theyve got connections. Oh, so forever . Im not taking off my shoes. [ laughter ] jimmy as i know you are a big sports fan, youre a white sox fan, are you really happy that the cubs are going to the world series . [ laughter ] yes. No, you know, i watched the end of the last game. And to see just how happy everybody was, i actually felt pretty good. Jimmy you did. I am rooting for my hometown team. Even though it is not my team. Jimmy its not your team it is not my team. But you know, i was watching these press reports about how the last time they won a world series, Thomas Edison was still alive. [ laughter ] sliced bread had not been invented. So this was literally the best thing since sliced bread. For cubs fans. [ cheers and applause ] white sox got their championship a little over ten years ago so were feeling okay. Premier cubs fan of all cubs fans, was in washington, d. C. This week. I happened to be there, we did a tribute to bill murray. He crashed the white house. He came into the oval office in a cubs shirt. And i dont usually allow that to happen. Jimmy yeah. First of all, most people come with a shirt and tie. It was bill murray so i figure, i get no tie. But dont rub it in with the cubs jersey on. He pretty much does anything he wants. What he wants. Nobody checks him. Not even secret service. Jimmy metal detects him. It doesnt matter. Jimmy did you speak . Did you chat . Well, he had won the mark twain. Jimmy mark twain prize, yeah. The mark twain prize. Will had won previously. I should mention by the way, will gets this prize, we do this the Board Members presenting it, a big todo, then he leaves without the prize. [ laughter ] which you know, somehow the Board Members didnt find funny at all. [ laughter ] jimmy they didnt. Bill did not forget the prize. Jimmy he remembered the prize. We took the picture. Then he agreed to do a little social media skit. About signing up for people who didnt have health care, signing up, because open enrollments coming up november 1st. We thought of a skit, we decide we were going to putt on the carpet in the oval office. And somebody grabbed a glass, we were trying to putt in the glass. And he won repeatedly. I mean, he kept on the glass was rigged. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy its happening a lot lately. I was a little frustrated. What makes matters worse, then hes giving me tips about putting. [ laughter ] serious. Hands a little too firm on the bill, youre a comedian, not a golfer. He took money from me. And i paid him 5. So basically the whole visit was a disaster. Jimmy you h