Transcripts For KYW The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20170110

If movies starring black people confuse you, then this is the film youve got to see. Mr. Sal sal, im a negro woman, im not going to entertain the impossible. And i am a polish jew, standing next to a fence that will be traveling to the stars hidden fences, based on a true story. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight stephen welcomes billy joel and Josh Holloway, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey thank you so much thank you, sir hey, jon whats up . Good to see ya. Welcome to the late show. applause im so glad to be here. Im your host Stephen Colbert. Im so excited. Weve got the great billy joel here tonight. cheers and applause weve got a tonight for billy joel, the piano man. cheers and applause anybody match the Golden Globes last night . cheers and applause i hear it was pretty good. There were a lot of great movies this year, but there were two movies that got confused last night twice, Hidden Figures and fences, creating a fun new mashup. So youre nominated for hidden fences. For best supporting actress in a motion picture, here are the nominees. Octavia spencer, hidden fences. laughter jon oh oh stephen i think its obvious why these are the two nominated films that got mixed up. Both had their a. D. R. Mixing done by sound man chris navarro. laughter huge navarro heads. Jon yeah, yeah. Stephen plus, all the africanamerican presenters keep saying manchester by the lala land. But the real star of the night and every night was meryl streep cheers and applause who won a Lifetime Achievement award and stole the show with her acceptance speech. But there was one performance this year that stunned me. It was that moment when the person asking to sit in the most respected seat in our country imitated a disabled reporter, someone he outranked in privilege, power, and the capacity to fight back. Disrespect invites disrespect. Violence incites violence. And the powerful use their position to bully others, we all lose. Stephen yes, we all lose, except donald trump who won. laughter of course, president elect trump was too focused on defeating isis and creating jobs to pick a fight with a celebrity. laughter just kidding, he tweeted meryl streep, one of the most overrated actresses in hollywood. Im sorry, what . what . what did you just say . Meryl streep is overrated . I mean, have you seen sophies choice . The french lieutenants woman . Have you seen that one with the dead people shes even funny in that one . laughter look, mr. Trump. You can refuse to release your taxes, you can call to ban an entire religion, you can play footsie with a dictator, but calling meryl streep overrated . No applause no you know, i wasnt going to go to that million woman march, but now i am. laughter applause its going to be a million meryl march. Ill be the one holding the bluray of kramer vs. Kramer and weeping. And this morning, trump spokeswoman and future awardwinning meryl streep role Kellyanne Conway weighed in on the reporter controversy by explaining we shouldnt get hung up on Little Things like what donald trump says and does. You cant give him the benefit of the doubt on, on this . And hes telling you what was in his heart . You always want to go by whats come out of his mouth rather than whats in his heart stephen yes, stop listening to his mouth and stop making fun of whats in his heart. That would be cruel because his heart is severely disabled. applause its medically incapable of empathy. Come on of course, for months, weve been talking about how somebody hacked our election and donald trump had his theory of who that was. I mean, it could be russia, but it could also be china. It could also be lots of other people. It also could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds, okay . Stephen well, turns out trump was right to blame a 400pound man sitting on bed, assuming putin sleeps with his horse. laughter because, on friday, the director of National Intelligence released a report that found that putin ordered the effort to undermine faith in the election and help trump. Apparently, after russia was embarrassed by the olympic doping scandal, putin wanted to discredit the image of the United States and cast it as hypocritical. Hey, putin, we dont need any help looking hypocritical. Okay . Were the country that invented both chili cheese fries and open heart surgery. We got this one. laughter applause well, after months of denying it, trump now accepts that the russians hacked our election. And he knows exactly who to blame gross negligence by the Democratic National committee allowed hacking to take place. He went on to say that all Bank Robberies are the banks fault, and if people didnt want to get stabbed, why does their ribcage make such a sturdy knife holder . laughter applause now this russian hack is disturbing, but trumps chief of staff reince priebus, says theres a thing that Everyone Needs to understand. Heres the thing that i think Everyone Needs to understand when, when this whole thing started, it started from the russians, 50 years ago. In other words, this is something thats been going on in our elections for many, many years. It happens, every election period. Stephen yes, dont worry. It happens. The russians have always picked our president s. Who can forget the famous headline putin defeats truman. And, besides, according to trump adviser Kellyanne Conway, this hacking is not a bad thing. All of this amounts to a simple fact, which is that alleged attacks, alleged and aspirations to interfere with our democracy failed and they failed and we know that because donald trump won. Stephen yes, donald trump won. America, zero. applause speaking of trump and his family, did you hear the breaking news today about jared kushner. Jared kushner, of course, is trumps soninlaw, and also americas worstselling strain of marijuana. Do not smoke the jared kushner. And according to people close to trump, kushner will be need a Senior Advisor to the president. The pick makes sense trump and his soninlaw see eye to eye on a lot of issues. For instance, they both think ivankas hot. laughter based on a true story, that joke. laughter but trump hiring his soninlaw is raising a lot of questions, like is this legal . And does trump know anyone whos not in his family . laughter applause speaking of sources of shame for new york city, any giants fans here . No . Brutal game. The giants lost to the packers 38 to 13. Eli manning couldnt get anything going, Odell Beckham jr. Kept dropping passes, and the defense even let Aaron Rodgers throw a hail mary. Luckily, new york fans are used to being embarrassed, since we also have the jets. laughter some angry giants fans are pointing to this photo of several players on a boat in miami last week, saying they should have been focused on the game. Yesterday, the players on that boat had a combined three dropped passes, and two would have been for scheds, just think, if they had caught those touchdowns, the giants would have lost by only 11 points. Way better. It doesnt help when you zoom in you can see eli manning water skiing behind the boat with dolphins wearing a shirt that says i dont care about football laughter we have a great show, billy joel is here stick around ever chevy cruze hatch. Ur opinions on the first but more importantly, i wanted to get your opinions. Bark. You wanna check it out . 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Thats really what its about its taking something thats usually forgotten and turning it into something beautiful. Latches onto youry finger so hard, its like shes saying i love you. Thats why aveenos oat formula is designed for your babys sensitive skin. Aveeno®. Naturally beautiful babies. Digiorno . Rise to the occasion. Its not delivery. Its digiorno. Fortified. Tored. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. cheers and applause stephen welcome back. You know, i love watching the give it up for jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause you look like youre riding a tilted poney. Thats very nice. Jon yeah stephen first, my first guest tonight has sold over 150 million records, a tony award, Kennedy Center honor and rock and roll song writers hall of fame. The one, the great, billy joel cheers and applause stephen welcome. I saw that. Very good. Nice to have you on. Wow. Billy joel. I dont know how to explain to you what an important thing this is for me to have you on the show. Name any one of your songs, i can sing every single one of your hits from beginning to end without pause. Okay. Sing us a song, ire the piano man im in a new york state of mind i love you just the way you are im moving out only the good die young always a woman to me you get to be a big shot you still may be right still rock and roll to me dont ask me why living here in allentown tell her about it uptown girl for the longest im in the entertainer shes got a way im going to wait for you she cuts you once, cuts you twice rosa lindas eyes sometimes the fantasy. Stephen sleeping with the television on do down together in the middle of the night we didnt start the fire cheers and applause pretty good. Stephen just think what a great song what a great song it would be just to put all the titles of your songs together. Thats pretty good. You should come to the garden and do that one right cheers and applause stephen we think of you starting off your career as the piano man, smokey little bar, but you play huge stadiums now. Youre the only guy to play all the stadiums in philly four years in a row selling all those stadiums out. You Just Announced shows 86 and 8 7 of performing at Madison Square garden. Youre like artist in residence at Madison Square garden, you sell it out in three minutes. Whats it like . I will eventually let you talk in this interview, i promise you, but what is it like to play on a piano for 20 Million People . Its fun. I picked a great job. Stephen do you prefer a stadium as opposed to a room this size . You have to throw it a little more in a stadium. We played in wimbley and london and 62,000 people there and three times Madison Square garden so you have to project more and give it a little more english because its england. Stephen of course. Well, this is the stage, this was the stage of the ed sullivan show, the ed sullivan theater. Do you remember seeing the beetles on here . I know they were a big influence on you. Oh, yeah cheers and applause stephen were you sitting at home with your family, watching tv . The tv broke in my house when i was about two years old, so i went to somebody elses house to watch tv, and the beatles were on. 1964, february, i remember that. Also, it was three months after john f. Kennedy has been assassinated so the country had the blues, everybody was down in the dumps, he was, like, our guy and they took him away. Then these four guys came from england with weird hair, wrote their own songs, arranged their own music, played their own instruments, and the country went crazy, we all went nuts, okay, those are the guys, those are ours. It was a really exciting time. Stephen how old were you when that happened . 14. Stephen were you already playing piano at the time . Yeah, i had been taking lessons since i was four. But i didnt want to be a classical pianist. That wasnt in my cards. Stephen but youve composed Classical Music before. I heard you start with a classical motif when youre writing a song and then rack it up. I love Classical Music. I fell in love with rock and roll when i was a teenager. The beatles took me into that. I saw the beatles and i thought, that can be done. They were from liverpool which sounds worse than where im from, hicksville. laughter stephen youve become friends with mccartney. Yes. Stephen and closed shea stadium with him. Yeah. Stephen they played that stadium in 64. They kicked the door open. Stephen you closed shea stadium with him. Yeah, they were going to close down the shea stadium and i called paul and asked him if he wanted to come because you guys opened it up. Ive known him since the 80s i guess, when the first daughter alexa was a little girl, paul used to see us at a party in the hamptons or something and hed say, oh, alexa, its your uncle pauley, come here, come here, uncle pauley. Hes, like, a real dad and she would scream, didnt know who he was. And i said, its Paul Mccartney come here, its your uncle pauley. I asked him if he could come to the shay show and he had visitation with his own daughter. I said, i understand visitation, i get it, i have been married four times, i understand visitation. Stephen four times . Yeah, may the fourth be with me. cheers and applause so h he said he had a visitation and i said i understand, he wasnt going to make it. So as we were coming to the end of the show, the second show we did, all of a sudden mix road crew guys come over to me and said, hes on his way. I said, whos on his way . The eagle has landed. And we were getting to piano man, and i look on the side of the stage and there is Paul Mccartney walking on the stage tuning his hoffner base with a butter knife. I said, this is bizarre, this is insane. So he came on, we played a couple of songs and ended the show by doing let it be which is poetic justice, i think. Stephen well take a break and be back with more billy joel. Stick around. cheers and applause 90 of the Worlds Largest supercomputers run on intel . That means you can take a universe of data in your case literally and turn it into medical discoveries, diagnostic breakthroughs. Proof that black holes collapse into one singularity. I dont know what that is. But yes. Innovation runs on supercomputers. And supercomputers run on intel. You are super smart. And super busy. Ooh ufo false alarm, eyelash if youre gonna make an entrance. [car driving upon the water] you gocome on. Arder. Hey, yo brian, brian. Stop, stop playing yourself. Hello mr. Khaled. Did you have a tax question . Yes, miss tax lady. Im in the personal training game now. The khaled exercise program. You know, shreds pounds. You feel me . I feel you. Can i deduct some of the training equipment . You know this is my business, i put my own money up. Yes, if its exclusively for work. Maam, im working. Trust me im workin. Climb the mountain top. Hey, yo jerome come on lets go ever tryou get hungry good, just thinking about it . At red lobsters big festival of shrimp, get your perfect pair for just 15. 99. Choose 2 of 6 new and classic shrimp creations, like bold new firecracker red shrimp. Exploding with flavor . Yeah they are. Or try new creamy shrimp linguini, and new sweet bourbonbrown sugar grilled shrimp. Flavors like these are big. And for just 15. 99, they cant last. So hurry in. I just got back from best buy and learned that about 50 of people overpay on their cellphone bill. But then a blue shirt reviewed my cellphone plan and saved me 40 dollars a month did you say 40 dollars a month . That is a lot of money. Come into best buy where a blue shirt will analyze your cellphone bill and help find a plan that could save you money. Stop overpaying, its easy at best buy. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody were back with billy joel. You have not put out a pop album since 1993. Correct. Stephen billy joel, you were really good at writing songs. Why not give us more billy joel songs . Because youre selling out the stadiums. How about some fresh meat . I thought id had my say. Stephen really . Yeah. I thought, okay, just shutup now. I put out 12 awe bums. How many bit the beatles put out, 12 . Thats a nice number, ill stop. Stephen elton john said you should put out more albums. I told him he should put out less albums. applause stephen when you were a kid, do you remember big shows, big concerts that were formative for you . Yeah, i snuck in to see jimi hendrix play at the old world fairgrounds. It was called the singer bowl. We didnt have tickets. It was with another guy who was in my band, and we snuck in by putting cables, holding cables and, you know, talk with english accents, jimi doesnt get his cables, he will be pissed off. I got to the stage and jimis road manager, keith robinson, been the roady for every big english band and he looked at me and said, come here, you, youre pretty good. I saw said, well, thank you. Youre going to help load up jimis amp. So there we are carrying stacks of marshall amps on the stage. Pretty cool. And i got to watch hendrix. Stephen he knew you were faking. It was a good fake. He appreciated it. Stephen i heard a story. I know you and bruce have become friends. I dont know if you can do that anymore. Stephen i snuck into paul simons graceland continue cert that way. I said i was a tshirt salesman and washed the show from the fly gallery. I dont know if you can do that anymore. The 80s were different. Yeah, it was. Stephen can you explain to me what this is . This is something to do with bruce sprinBruce Springsteen. Can i get a shot of this . What else is this . This is the voltage regulator that came off the bike that springsteen broke down on on veterans day. Stephen this veterans day . This past veterans day, yes, november. I built bruce a couple of bikes. I built him a 650 and a touring bike, and this was the voltage regulator from the touring bike and it pooped out. So bruce got stuck by the side of the road and these guys picked him up and took him where he needed to go. I called up bruce and said, i read you broke down on a bike. Was it the bike we built for you . He said, yeah. I said, im sorry, man. But its all fixed up and fine now. Stephen good. You do a good mccartney, a good bruce. Do you ever do their numbers . Yeah, all the time. Stephen in their voices . Yeah, try to. I do tony bennett. Stephen you do tony . Yeah, i used to do joe cocker a lot. Stephen what tony song do you do . What tony song do i do . mimicking tony stephen you are beautiful i love the young people, they got the energy. So much energy, the young people. We would sometimes do a new york state of mind at Madison Square garden with tony bennett. We would rehearse the ending. Im in a new york state of drum roll mind then we would get to the live show and be singing it tony would say, new york, new york, greatest city in the world the best town greatest people where is he going . Follow tony i just love the Energy Energy is great but tony does what he wants to do, so you just follow tony and we got out of it okay. But you never know. Stephen we had bruce on here. I asked him to rank the top five Bruce Springsteen songs. Would you do us the honor of ranking the top five billy joel songs . Because people always shout out what they think the best songs are. If you were at a billy joel concert and yelling out you, what are the five songs you think. Five, four, three, two, one. I think of it on stage what i want to see me do but i tend to like the album tracks. Vienna. Stephen great song. I think thats my Favorite Song of yours. Do you want vienna or just the way you are, they pick vienna. Stephen thats five. Four. Four, and so it goes. Stephen and so it goes. Got it. You may be right. Stephen mmhmm. Number two. There is an obscure song called shes right on time. Stephen shes right on time. And can i have a drum roll, please. drum roll number one billy joel song is. Italian restaurant. cheers and applause stephen you know, i would love to hear some of the stories behind, you know, some of these songs because teampeople think songs mean one thing but in fact we find out the songs mean something totally different to the artist who created them. Youre a story teller with your songs. Can we go to the true stories behind the hits . Yeah, sure. Stephen great. Because this is true stories behind the hits cheers and applause welcome to the dark cave that is my studio now. This is true stories behind the hits. Billy, whats the first hit that there is a true story behind tonight . Only the good die young was the second title. The original was the evil shall live forever. laughter stephen fascinating, billy, fascinating. Not many people know this, but billys doowop song the longest time was inspired by how long it took his toaster strudel to cool from the microwave. laughter in just the way you are, when i wrote the line dont go changing, i was referring to the incredible hulk. Stephen most people know captain jack is about a drug dealer billy knew growing up. But his full name was captain jack crunch and the drug he dealt was crunchberries. And heroin. laughter in tell her about it, the it i want him to tell her about is his third nipple. laughter stephen only fair. Its only fair. In scenes from an Italian Restaurant, the bottle of red was ketchup, and the bottle of white was horsey sauce. The Italian Restaurant was an arbys. laughter applause piano man was originally about a super hero character, pianoman i wanted to make a movie where he teamed up with elton johns rocket man to fight bob dylans tambourineman. laughter applause stephen i love that. I would see that movie. The lyrics to river of dreams in the middle of the night, i go walking in my sleep. To a river dreams is about an adult bed wetter. laughter okay. A lot of people laughter a lot of people think we didnt start the fire was about cold war anxiety, but i actually wrote it because back then we didnt have wikipedia. So i just wrote one song that included everything that ever happened in history. Stephen thank you for that. Youre welcome. Stephen miami 2017 was written in 1975 but turned out to be prophetic. It is actually about a bunch of Football Players partying on a boat instead of practicing. applause and that was true stories behind the hits. cheers and applause billy, i love miami 2017. Is there any chance that we could get you to play that song . cheers and applause okay. Stephen really . Yeah. Stephen all right. Well be right back with billy joel. Stick around. cheers and applause only at t offers you all your live channels and dvr on your devices, datafree. Its entertainment. Your way. Knows how it feels to seees your numbers go up, despite your best efforts. But what if you could turn things around . What if you could love your numbers . Discover oncedaily invokana®. Its the 1 prescribed sglt2 inhibitor that works to lower a1c. A pill taken just once in the morning, invokana® is used along with diet and exercise to significantly lower blood sugar in adults with type 2 diabetes. In fact, its been proven to be more effective at lowering a1c than januvia. 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Ladies and gentlemen, billy joel. cheers and applause seen the lights go out broadway i saw the empire state laid low and life went on beyond the palisades they all bought cadillacs and left there long ago they held a concert out in brooklyn to watch the island bridges blow they turned our power down and drove us underground but we went right on with the show ive seen the lights go out on broadway i saw the ruins at my feet you know we almost didnt notice it wed seen it all the time on forty Second Street they burned the churches down in harlem like in that spanish civil war the flames were everywhere but no one really cared it always burned up there before ive seen the lights go out on broadway i saw the mighty skyline fall the boats were waiting at the battery the union went on strike they never sailed at all they sent a carrier out from norfolk and picked the yankees up for free they said that queens could stay and blew the bronx away and sank manhattan out at sea you know those lights were bright on broadway that was so many years ago before we all lived here in florida before the mafia took over mexico there are not many who remember they say a handful still survive to tell the world about the way the lights went out and keep the memory alive thank you cheers and applause billy joel, everybody well be right back stick around that gentleman got the last one. 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Who gets to come on and have billy joel open for you . Come on laughter stephen this job doesnt suck is what i learn ever so often. Its kind of good. Stephen i have one bone to pick with you. You have a tan. Its january. Where have you been . I have been in hawaii, my friend. I just got back. Stephen you went to visit the smoke monster . There they call it paca. Stephen they do . Im kidding. Stephen im not sure i would want to go to the beach after eating over christmas. It was a note to self do not schedule your Beach Vacation at the end of the Holiday Season because you are sporting the dad bod like theres no business, you know. Stephen i could go dad bod to dad bod for you. Dude, ready. Stephen buddy, no. I would beat you today, so im not going to sport it because i could really get there. So i was sporting the dad bod on the beach before my kids wake up. Stephen how old are your kids . I have a 3yearold o this month, hunter, and java is 7. So im building a sand castle, hot. Sun comes up and my daughter is, like, dad, put a shirt on. Its, like, why, baby . Were at the beach. Youre fat. Im, like stephen is your 7yearold calling you fat . Yes. She saw my expression. She goes just a little, daddy. Just a little. Like shes trying to save me from it. At the same time im looking down like this and my boy yells at some girl that walks by in a g string, and im, like, where did you learn that word . Stephen kids are humbling. Yes stephen im from south carolina. Youre from georgia, i understand. Yes. Stephen are you from real georgia or are you from, like, atlanta . I would be more dirt road and dogs. Stephen what part of the state are you from . North georgia. Stephen up near tennessee, south carolina. Where we would get our fireworks because they werent legal. Stephen south carolina, we have a death wish, all fireworks are legal in south carolina. Legal . Stephen totally. Theyre fantastic. They have wearhouses up there in your part of the woods that you can blow up america. They have, like not that we need stephen im sorry. What was that . laughter what was that gesture you were just doing . Because we cant show that on cbs. Im going to say thats a rocket. That was a rocket, yes. Stephen now, the new show youve got on u. S. A. Is called colony about aliens who have landed in los angeles and theyve taken over part of the government, right . Yes. Stephen yes . Yes. Stephen are the aliens more vicious than most people in los angeles . People in hollywood . Can we say equal . Stephen sure, okay. O my guy is an f. B. I. Agent, and when the walls went up, we had the idea first, bozo. laughter you know who im talking about. Nobody. So the walls go up, our family is separated, and my guy is trying to get them back together and survive. So its centered around a family, but its a microcosm for the entire planet. Stephen do you believe in all yens . I do. There must be aliens. Look at me. laughter stephen what about you . Only an alien would consider that a dad bod. laughter there has to be aliens, right . Stephen i would like this think there are aliens but why havent they contacted us yet . Theyre putting in the proxy government now, if you havent figured that out. Stephen possible. Meet meet. Thank you for being here. Season 2 of colony starts thursday on u. S. A. Network. Josh holloway, everybody my advice for looking get your beauty sleep. And use aveeno® absolutely ageless® night cream with active naturals® blackberry complex. Younger looking skin can start today. Absolutely ageless® from aveeno®. Is caringing because covering heals faster. For a bandage that moves with you and stays on all day, cover with a bandaid brand flexible fabric adhesive bandage. cheers and applause stephen yeah thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be andrew garfield, erin andrews, and musical guest cage the elephant. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, neil patrick harris, sienna miller, and tom ford. Goodnight captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show ladies and