- now i know why gracie took my breakfast away from me.@ thanks to my 21-inch private eye. (laughing) great invention. you know what that little television said? i'm the mata hari of beverly hills. (laughing) can you imagine what would happen if everybody had a television set like mine? they would just sit around, and... no, come to think of it, that would be pretty boring. every time you tuned in, you would see somebody else sitting in front of his television set, watching you watching him. (laughing) another way to get information is to go to a fortune teller. when i was young, i had my palm read by a gypsy, and when she found out i only had 50 cents, "someday you'll be very handsome," took the 50 cents, and hollered, "next!" (laughing) so i said, "can you really tell that i'll be handsome "by just looking at the palm of my hand?" she said, "what else? "i certainly couldn't tell it by looking at your face." (laughing) and she was right. i got the handsomest palms in show business. (laughing) matched pair. (laughing) of course, there are other ways to get information, too. like this woman i know, whose husband is always broke. and she thought he was spending his money on some other women, so she decided to go through his pants pockets while he was asleep. she didn't find any evidence. she couldn't even find his pants. (laughing) how could she? they were hanging in the same closet with 150 of her new dresses. (laughing) and take horse racing. now you can always buy great inside information, outside the racetrack from those fellas who haven't got enough money to get in. (laughing) and if a tout ever gives you a tip, and says it comes straight from the horse's mouth, (laughing) but people'll do anything to get information. that's why i thought this would be a good subject for a monologue. i still think it will be. (laughing) now i'd better go downstairs and straighten out gracie. or try to. - oh mother, dad, i've invite-- oh, did i interrupt anything? - uh, no, dear. just because a certain old fossil has started chasing a young girl no older than his daughters, there's no reason why another old fossil should stick up for him. - [ronnie] uh, who are these two old fossils? - [gracie] well, i can't tell you. just say hello to your father, never mind who the other one is. (laughing) - hello, dad. - hello, son. - now what were you and mother doing, rehearsing a script, or was this a slice out of real life? - well, it was life, but it was sort of a half a slice. - well, what i-- - well, you remember-- - life. - my philosophy class? - oh, oh, you passed, congratulations! i always knew you'd do it. - no, no, no, no, you remember the girl, the blonde girl, that used to sit three rows behind me, lori willis? - oh, she passed, congratulations, i always knew she could do it. - no, no, no. - oh, you both had your first date last night? - yeah. - well, congratulations, i always knew you'd both do it. - and, dad, she's really something. she'll be here at exactly 10:00. - she's coming here? - well, yeah, you see all the guys at sc were rushing her, and they just couldn't get to first base. - how did you do it? - oh, well dad, i play first base. - oh, i forgot that. she's coming here? - oh, in fact, she'll be here in a few seconds. - well, why don't you go outside and wait for her? - oh, no, i'm gonna play it cool. - cool. - yeah, i'm gonna let mother answer the door, you see, and talk to her for a while, and then i'll just sorta casually stroll in whistling. - whistling, whistling, that'll do it. you know, when i was your age, i used that same technique. there was a very pretty girl on our block, and every morning, i would casually stroll by her house whistling, and casually say, "good morning." - oh, well, did it work? with her husband, casually pushing the baby carriage, and i casually gave up that technique. (laughing) - yeah, well probably it'll work for me. there goes the bell. (doorbell rings) what'd i tell you? - pardon me, is this the burns' house? - yes. - i'm lori willis. i've got a date with ronnie. - oh, well, how do you do? i'm harry von zell, a friend of the family. oh, hello, gracie. gracie, this is lori willis. - oh, hearing about mr. jantzen was bad enough, but you, too? ohhh, you cradle snatcher! - [harry] what, gracie? - you young girls are all alike. if you can't find old plumbers, you settle for old announcers. (laughing) (door slams) - i, uh, i think we better go see the next-door neighbor. maybe mrs. morton can explain this. - wasn't that strange? - for this house? (ronnie whistling) - mother, wasn't somebody at the door? - yes. - well, who, who? - harry von zell and his girl. - really? - oh, yes, those men, you know, the older they are, the more they act like it. ronnie, promise me when you're harry von zell's age, you'll never let anybody slam a door in your face. - i promise. i'm glad you got here, mr. jantzen, we've got a lot to talk about. - oh, mrs. burns, you look charming, charming. it's such a pleasure to visit you. do you know that you get prettier every day? - well, thank you. - no matter what time of day i get here, you're always at your very best. it's so delightful to be in the company of such true natural beauty. - well, thank you. - now, what is it you wanted to see me about? - well, that can wait, go on. (laughing) - well, i wish you'd tell me what it is, and then i could go back to the shop. you see, pauline is waiting, and i don't want to waste any time. "when you reach september." - you know, i've noticed that. i think that's why it gets dark so early. (laughing) - true, that's true. - yeah, i always liked november, too. the days get even shorter, but the nights are longer. of course, it evens itself up around noon, because that always comes at the same time. - well, yeah, oh yeah, oh, mrs. burns, you're not only beautiful, but you have got a brain, too. - well, i know, but i never let it interfere with my looks. (laughing) - of course, december is my favorite month. one of my daughters was born in december. - oh, it's a small world, isn't it? ronnie was born in april. - no! - i was born in july, and george in january. - the world is even smaller than you think. i was born in march! - oh, isn't that wonderful! here it is october, and we're all together. - it can only happen in america. - that's because we're living in a democracy. now then, what is it you wanted to see me about? - well, i really don't remember. when we get together, we have so much in common i can't even remember things that aren't important. - i think i know what it is. now on the phone, you said something about old pipes. now, when the rainy seasons come, they're liable to burst, and they're dangerous, you know. - oh, well then, don't put in old pipes. put in new ones. - well, they run around 600 dollars. - well, if they cost more than the old ones, it's worth it. - oh they do, they do. - good, now, when can you start? - i will be back in about an hour. - oh, good. - goodbye. - goodbye mr. jantzen. - oh, and by the way, another of my daughters was born in the middle of august. - oh, now you see, you never get to know people 'til you talk to them. - ooooh, that's deep. real deep. (laughing) (door closes) - [ronnie] mother? i heard the door, did somebody come in? - no, somebody went out. (doorbell rings) - have no fear, miss willis, i'll soon put matters right. gracie, this is lori willis-- - oh, now she's running around with you, huh? harry von zell was bad enough, but this is ridiculous! - a-a-and, you're even too old for harry vonn zell! (door slams) - i heard the doorbell, was it somebody for me? - no, no, oh men. all they think about is women, except mr. jantzen, who thinks about fine, decent things like september and october. (laughing) - well, gotta get back to the phone. (laughing) - mr. jantzen doesn't know this, but he started the whole thing when he took pauline's daughter out to dinner. i better phone him to come over here and straighten out the situation, before ronnie loses his mind, and i lose 600 dollars for old pipes. (laughing) - now that the higher intelligence has been brought down to our level, i know gracie, and i'm sure i can handle her. - [harry] blanche? - [blanche] hmm? - [harry] let me go with you. - well, good. - i have to find out what's going on. (laughing) - oh, gracie, i came over to-- - well, i never expected this. just because your husband is running around with that young girl, is no excuse why you should be running around with harry von zell. (gasps) oh, blanche, i am shocked! (door slams) - mother? - no! it was harry von zell and blanche. and if there's gonna be a scandal in the neighborhood, you're too young to know. (laughing) - well, back to the phone. (laughing) - welp, it's no use, she threw us out. - well, thank you for your help. you've all been very kind. but i've got a feeling i'd do better if i went over there alone. - [blanche] well, good luck, lori. - thank you. - i'd give anything to know what's going on. - [harry] well, so would i. this passes all understanding. (phone rings) - i guess we'll never know. - oh, yes you will, blanche, it's very simple. (laughing) you see it all started when mr. jantzen took pauline's daughter to that little french restaurant. i phoned him, and he's on his way over here, and everything is all right. uh-uh, blanche, don't hang up, i didn't say goodbye yet. (laughing) bye, now. (phone slams and blanche cries) (laughing) (laughing) - oh, now i remember! so here's the young girl you want to marry. well, it serves you right. she's running around with every other old fossil in town! - no! (laughing) - and hurry! so that's what happened, lori. i'm sorry, but my wife got a little confused. - well, i'm glad you got it cleared up. i was about to go home when you came outside and stopped me. - well, i told ronnie i want to see him up in the den. he's gonna be pleasantly surprised when he finds you here. - mother, dad phoned me and wants to see me up in the den. would you go up and see what he wants? i've gotta stick by the door. my date might show up. - oh, certainly. (laughing) george, ronnie said he w-- oh, it's you again! (laughing) - [george] gracie, gracie-- - oh look, i know the world is full of old fossils, (laughing) - well, dad, it was quite a mix-up, but lori and i finally got together. - your mother still hasn't got it right. - it's a permanent condition. - so is yours. (laughing) - gracie called. said to get my fur and come right over. where are we going? - i don't know. - neither do i. - oh, hello blanche. if you men can run around with young girls, two can play the same game, so i just picked up our dates. come in gentlemen! (laughing) - these are our dates? - yeah. (blanche giggles) - oh, and by the way, don't bother to wait up for us. - to disneyland. (laughing) (applause) (applause) - thank you. hi, i'm leeza gibons with an amazing story about how philips lifeline gives betty white peace of mind and gave my father a second chance at life. daddy is invincible. that's how we want to think about our parents. that's why was so hard for all of us when he had his heart attack. i wasn't feeling well that day. the heart attack hit me, i fell to the floor, and i was trying to crawl back to the bed. of course in excruciating pain. i'm alive today because of philips lifeline. philips lifeline is the number one medical alert service in the u.s. today. you get fast easy access to help any time. daddy was been a little resistant. because he didn't want to seems vulnerable. he didn't want so seems old. we insisted. i'm so grateful that dad had his philips lifeline. i don't know if he would have made it without it. i love you so much. i love you too, you know that. philips lifeline offers the most widely adopted proven fall detection with auto alert. if a fall is detected auto alert will automatically call for help, so even if you can't push the button your self you still can get access to help any time at home or on the go. condition that inhibits mobility. particularly if they live alone needs a philips lifeline. with philips lifeline if i kluts up and falls down. somebody will be there. philips lifeline has been recommended by more than 200,000 healthcare professionals and serve more than 7 million seniors. i'm proud to wear my philips lifeline. shows that i'm smart enough to take care of my self. innovation and you. with philips lifeline medical alert service you get fast, easy access to help 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. call today or visit www.philipslifeline.com don't wait! i mean why don't take the chance call philips lifeline now! - thank you. - thank you, thank you very much. well, gracie, what member of your family will we talk about tonight? - beauregard allen he sounds southern. - oh, yes, especially when he talked. - oh, well i didn't know that your family had a southern branch. - oh, nobody could have been more true to the south than beauregard. - oh? - once he even got lost because of it. - got lost? - yes, he had to make a trip from one plantation to another, and he wandered around for four days because he refused to take a compass with him. - well, why wouldn't he take a compass with him? - he wouldn't touch anything that pointed north. (laughing) - well, i bet he wouldn't eat a can of sardines unless all the heads faced south. - you knew him, huh? - oh, no, no, no, i was before his time. - oh. - way before his time. - yes, well, what a gentleman he was. - gentleman, too, huh? - yes, when he wanted to dance with a girl, he'd walk up to her, and make a low sweeping bow, and say, "may i have this dance, ma'am?" - may i have this-- i'll bet that got him a lot of dances. - no, no, with your head that close to the floor, who can hear what you're saying? - yeah, well, that's true. what did he do for a living? - he was a mississippi river gambler. - well, that sounds like a nice profession. - and, when beauregard played cards, - oh, did a little cheating on the side? - no, no, no, no, with all those extra aces, he always had the best hand, so he didn't have to. (laughing) - well, he was honest. he sounds like he led an exciting life. - exciting? he was always getting into duels. if anybody insulted him, he would say, "take your choice, pistol or sword." - i see. - of course, he always hoped the man would pick the sword. - why? - well, then he'd pick the pistol and, if you have a pistol, you could always beat a man with a sword. - well, oh sure, that's quick thinking, but did he ever have a real pistol duel? - oh, hundreds. and he was never hurt. it was because of his system. - now what was his system? - well, once he got into position, facing his opponent, beauregard would pretend to wave at somebody standing behind the man. - i see, and how would that work? - well, the man would turn around to see who he was waving at, - yeah. - and beauregard would shoot him in the pants. - why would he shoot him in the pants? - well, because it would be cowardly (laughing) - say goodnight. - goodnight. (applause) (lively music) - [voiceover] the george burns and gracie allen show (applause) (doorbell rings) - oh, hello dear. oh, bonnie sue mcaffe, how nice to see you! - thank you, mrs. burns. i'm awfully glad you got home now, because my brother brian is coming to see you. - oh? - yes, he says he needs your help again and he says you're the only one who can do it because you're the only one who understands him. - well i'll be glad to help him again. i knew he'd come back because everybody i help always needs me more. - well, you see, it's the same story mother. brian has been in college for almost 10 years and his father wrote him and said if he flunked another test he would have to come back home. - yes, and he's taking a test tomorrow. - well, a 10 year habit's kind of hard to break. - poor brian, if he doesn't pass that test he'll be back on ranch next week helping daddy round up the cattle and inspect them for shipping. - inspect them? - yes, daddy ships nothing but grade a cattle. - oh, how embarrassing! to think they made it and brian never could. (laughter) - that's right, ma'am. - well, we're all going to put our heads together - [george] gracie, you home? - in the living room, dear! now, i mustn't let your father know my plans because for some silly reason, he doesn't like me to get mixed up in these things. - well, then maybe-- - so, when he comes in, let's talk about something else. oh, the weather! - gracie, i'm glad you're home. we're all going to-- oh, hello bonnie sue - hello, mr. burns. - i'm glad you're - so, as i was saying bonnie sue, have you noticed how much weather we've been having lately? - yes, and most of it has been nice, too. - yeah. - yeah, except the days that it's been raining. - you know, people are funny. and never get tired of it. - this is a real interesting conversation. - well, i'm glad you like it, dear, because as long as you stay in this room that's what you're going to hear. - i'm still not leaving. - i read in the paper, it was 54 in omaha today. - yeah, and it was 55 in chicago with a cold front coming in from canada. (laughter) - what are you up to? - now, houston had a 75, but then again the humidity was low. - well, you can have your humidity and your cold front, but i've noticed when it gets down below 40, the rest of me is cold too. - you see, i'm always warm because i have been over 40 for years. (doorbell rings) - i'll get it. - [gracie] no, i'll get it. - howdy, mrs. burns! - oh, brian, come on in. - hi, mr. burns. - [george] hello, brian. - [brian] did ronnie and bonnie sue tell you my problem? his problem. it's everybody's problem! they've got it in omaha and houston, and if chicago with a cold front moving in from canada has it, why shouldn't you? (laughter) - mrs. burns, i must be pretty stupid. - well, just as soon as george leaves we'll talk about that. right now, we're talking about the weather. - not for long. - [gracie] it's 102 in alaska! - thought so. i'm going to run up and turn on my television set and find out what's going on. i've got a slight suspicion, i'm not sure mind you, but i think they're trying to hide something from me. i wouldn't tune out. - mother, while you talk to brian, can i take bonnie sue out in the garden and show her how nice the lawn looks now that it's been mowed? - [gracie] oh, of course. - always, ma'am. - well, that's alright. you can see our lawn some other time. (laughter) don't worry, brian, you're not going back to texas. you're going to take that examination, and you're going to pass. - i don't know how, ma'am. my grades have been lower than a hogs stomach at feeding time. - [gracie] but you're going to pass. - gosh, ma'am, life would be so simple if i was. i wish i had me a brain like alfred kramer. - who's alfred kramer? - he's the smartest boy in my class. he passes every test like it was nothing. - well, that's it! - what's it, ma'am? - well, we'll get alfred kramer to change his name to brian mcafee, then brian mcafee will pass and you'll be safe. - how? - i'll call him up and ask him to come on over. - i think that that is a brilliant idea, mrs. burns, to change his name to mine? - you did say he was smarter than you. - oh, yes ma'am. - oh, well then we'll wait until he gets here and let him figure it out. - yeah, that can do. he's a genius. he used to be a child prodigy. - oh, that young, huh? what's his phone number? - here it is, ma'am. kreiger, kramer. - only gracie can think of an idea like that, and only someone with a brain like brian would think it would work. pass his test? that boy probably gets lost passing his classroom. but, i guess there is pressure on anybody when they take any kind of test. the only test i've ever passed in my life was my driving test, and to do that i had to cheat a little bit. i copied from the car in front of me. nowadays, they have all kinds of tests. did you see the test in magazines i know a couple who took one, and it said they had absolutely nothing in common. it was a surprise to them. to their 14 children, too. gracie is certainly the right one to help the boy get through college. when she read about the atomic tests in nevada, she said she was very happy that ronnie was going to school in california, where they don't allow those things in the classroom. me too. well, according to my calculations, gracie should be over at blanche's and she should be involved in this story too. let's take a look. - harry? - [harry] yes, honey? - [blanche] look! - look what a beautiful steak i got for lunch. - my, what a handsome cut of beef. - and i'm going to cook it just right, medium rare. - i'm overwhelmed, but why are you doing all this? - well, it's for my man. - would he mind if i ate a piece of it before he gets here? (laughter) - blanche, darling, i was only jesting. i know it's going to be a most enjoyable lunch. - well, i was trying to make up for last night when i went to the club meeting and left you a cold supper. (telephone rings) - hello? - hello, blanche, gracie's involved in a very big problem. this time, i want you to stay out of it. - well, of course, george. here, cook your own steak. - gracie didn't do it, so i had to make the phone call. i wanted to get the morton's mixed up in our story line. - [blanche] gracie, what's the big problem? what can i do to help? - what can you do to help? well, oh, you can help me say goodbye! - goodbye, brian. - goodbye, mrs. morton. - then you'll be able to say goodbye to brian again when alfred kramer leaves. - gracie, start at the beginning. - well, it's simple. alfred kramer is coming over here and i am going to get him to change his name to brian mcafee. - but why? - why, because that's the only name in the class he can pass his test under. if the cows on the ranch can get as, i'm going to make sure he does, that's why. - all i got out of that is that you're trying to get somebody to change his name. - that's right. - but gracie, the only people who change their names are people who are trying to hide something like ex-convicts or people who want more glamorous names like movie stars. - blanche, instead of one you give me two ideas. when alfred gets here, i'll see which one fits him better. - no, gracie, i'm your friend and i'm trying to help you. now look, please start at the beginning (knocking) and take it very slowly. come in! - you and your phone calls, look! - thanks, i had a little giraffe meat, but i'll have gracie cook it. i'm sure-- - your humor is laughable without being amusing. i don't know what you said to blanche, but you managed to spoil the prospects of the only decent lunch i've had in years. - now, look harry, i didn't mean to start any trouble. the only reason i phoned blanche was to warn her before it was too late, but maybe it's nothing. - [harry] warn her about what? - maybe it's just a rumor about her and louis the butcher. - louis the butcher? - sometimes rumors are not true. maybe she bought the steak, forget it. - i certainly will. - harry, did blanche tell you she went to a club meeting last night? - mrs. burns? -[gracie] yes? - i'm alfred kramer. oh, well everyone can see you were never an ex-convict so there's only one other choice, come on! - mrs. burns, on the phone you said you wanted to speak to me about something important. - [gracie] yes, won't you sit down? - what is it? - it's a couch. - i mean what is it you wanted to see me about? - oh, well, i saw your picture in ronnie's class book and i said to myself, "this handsome dashing boy, "if he's handled right, can be a movie star!" - me? oh, mrs. burns! - take off your glasses. - but mrs. burns, i can't see. - they're right in front of your eyes. just reach up and they'll be there. - alright. - oh my goodness, it's better than i thought. my, it's just hard to believe that much beauty was hidden behind these. - well, mrs. burns, i don't understand. mrs. burns, i don't understand what this is all about. cary grant without your glasses. - that's impossible. - well, have you ever seen how cary grant looks without your glasses? - i can't even see how i look without my glasses! - well, i'll show you. here, look in the mirror. (laughter) - say, i'm not bad looking. - i told you, you're going to be a famous movie star. - me? alfred kramer? that's ridiculous. - you know, you're right. we'll have to change that name, it is ridiculous. - change my name? - yes, to something more glamorous like... well, i'll pick one at random, brian mcafee. - brian mcaffe? - see, i think of brian mcafee very fast. - but i know someone by that name. - well, there you are. if a plain ordinary fellow like brian mcafee think what somebody like you can do with it. - mrs. burns, if i am so handsome, why is it girls don't like me? - well, because they've never seen you without glasses. i'll go pick a girl at random, just like i picked your name, and i'll prove it to you. (playful music) - mom! - ronnie, you'll have to stop showing bonnie sue the lawn for a while, i want to talk to her. - okay, mom. - i need your help, bonnie sue. you want your brother brian to pass his test, don't you? - yes, ma'am. - well, there's a boy in our living room, alfred kramer, and you need to make him think that he's handsome enough to be a movie star. - alfred kramer? he goes to s.c., i've seen him on campus a few times. - well to help my brother i'd do anything. - oh, wonderful! and ronnie, you can be her jealous boyfriend. - here's an average young girl who happened to be passing through my garden. - hello. - hello. - oh, hello. - hello. where have you been all my life? - right here, i guess. - my phone number is press through five, 4124. - i knew this would happen! - who's that? - that's her jealous boyfriend who happened to be passing through my garden with her. - i was expecting this all along. you're too beautiful. i knew some day, someone would come along and be more your type, and the whole thing would end. - well, that's the way the weed tumbles. - so be good to her, fellow. - oh, i will! say, you look a lot like me! - you can still take me home. oh, remember, the telephone number - 24. - well, brian... - brian... i think it's started to fit me a little better but i'm still not convinced. it's all so sudden. - well, i'll convince you. - that preposterous story of george's about you and louis the butcher. - oh, harry, forget about it and i'll fix the steak. (phone rings) - please, don't answer it. - silly. hello? - blanche, come right over. - well... - i need your help! - oh! (laughter) - oh, and here's my next door neighbor, mrs. morton, a typical housewife. - how do you do? - and this is brian mcafee, a future movie star! - how do you do? - oh, i can hardly wait until your first picture. you will appeal to women of all ages. - i can't see without my glasses. how old are you? - you can't see me? - no. - i'm 26. (laughter) - well so much for the opinion of a typical housewife of 26. now, let's hear from a 65 year old woman, mrs. martin's mother. do you agree with what your daughter said about this young man? - oh, she didn't say half enough. he's a living doll. - i am? - oh, you certainly are. - i demand that you fix my-- if you must dally with other men, please stick to louis the butcher! at least we get some choice cuts. - brian, say goodbye to mrs. martin. - goodbye, mrs. martin. - goodbye. - and to her mother! - goodbye! - goodbye, i mean goodbye. - whatever your mother is trying to do, ronnie, i sure hope it works. brian has got to pass that test! - [harry] hi kids! - [bonnie] oh, hi! - [harry] ron, is your dad upstairs? - [ronnie] mr. von zell, you can do my mother a big favor. she's in the living room trying to convince a boy to become a movie star. if you could just go in and pretend to be a director. - no. a director? (chuckles) look, ron, i'm not going to get mixed up in any of your mother's schemes. - [ronnie] it's not her idea. she doesn't know anything about it. it's all my idea! - yeah-- - mr. von zell, you can do it because you have the impressiveness, authority, dignity, integrity-- you had me hooked when you got to authority. are they in there? - [ronnie] mmmhmm. - well come on in, watch me work. - no, i can't. i've got to show bonnie some of the lawn. - well, you can't play polo with glasses anyway. - well, hello, gracie. this must be the young man everyone's talking about. good, good. i rushed right over from the studio. i want to direct him in my next picture. - thank you, sir. - you what? - yes, gracie, i am a director. - oh, harry, i know you're an announcer. - no, gracie, i am a director and i want to sign this young man for my next picture. - if you want to sign him, why are you winking at me? - gracie, i ran into ronnie outside and he told me you had this young man in here you wanted to get into the movies so naturally i am a director. - i gave that up! - you mean you're not working for us anymore? - no, i am a director! a big director, the biggest. i am interested in putting this young man into my next colossal epic. - gracie, i just saw ronnie and bonnie sue-- - george, i'm glad you're here! we've got a terrible problem. - what is it? - harry quit his job with us. - you quit your job? - yes, harry's got a better job at colossal epics so we've got to get a new announcer. - now let's go and you don't get what you're missing. - gracie, why is it... george, you have to let me explain. - harry, harry, harry forget it! if you're selling colossal epics, bring one around and if i like it, i'll buy it. (doorbell rings) - [gracie] hello, brian! - mrs. burns, ma'am, i got me some wonderful news! i don't have to take the test. - [gracie] you don't? to keep the class average up so he pleaded with me not to take it. - well, my goodness, that solves everything. - yes, ma'am. thanks a million for trying to help. - oh, goodbye brian. - goodbye, ma'am. i sure appreciate it. - well, here are your glasses. if i were you, i'd go back to college and pass all those tests as alfred kramer. remember, don't ever think of changing your name again until you get married. - well, it's been quite an experience but one thing i know, i'll never wear my glasses again. i've been looking at myself in that mirror and i like the way i look without them. - well, goodbye. - goodbye, mrs. burns. - gracie, what will we talk about tonight? - well, we could talk about my cousin p.t. allen - p.t. wasn't there a pt bottom? - not in my family, we're all allens. - let's talk about your cousin, the press agent. what did he ever do? - well, now, for instance one of his clients was an actress and he thought he could get her picture in the paper if she wore just a few doves. - you mean doves like birds? - well, doves like birds but they like worms better. - but anyway, he was going to get her picture in the paper if she just poses with a few doves? - yeah, but the only trouble was she didn't have a very good figure. but, p.t. took care of that. - what did he do? - well, instead of doves he used turkeys. - turkeys? did they use the pictures? - oh, yeah, but only on thanksgiving. - well that was a great break for the actress. - sure, but she didn't think so. so his next job was with the circus. - oh, she fired him? - yes. he had a great stunt for publicity for the circus. - a publicity stunt, yes. - you see, he had the contortionist tie himself in a lot of knots and then p.t., he threw him - well, i bet that was a big thrill for the crowd. - oh, yes it was. it was for the contortionist too, he almost drowned. - oh (indistinguishable over audience laughter). - he forgot that knots are much harder to untie when they get wet. - well, that's why i never take my tie off when i take a shower. i don't know, i'm just tired of being straight. let's get back to pt. how did he get started as a bad publicity man. - oh, george, he didn't start out that way. it took a lot of hard work to get there. - that i was positive of. i knew he'd eventually make it. - then he went into business publicity. - oh, business publicity. - yes, and he got a job with a big bakery to publicize donuts. - donuts? - he had a very distinguished looking man pose like this, you see. then everybody would think of the hole in the donut. - in the donut, yes. well an idea like that is entitled to raise. - yeah, but it didn't work. instead, it made everybody think of thursday. - this made everybody think of thursday? monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday. - gracie, gracie. (applause) - [voiceover] appearing on tonight's show - air raid, air raid! enemy plane, air raid! get to shelter. air raid! - where? what? what? - air raid, air raid! - hey, wait a minute. i don't hear any plane. - hey, you're right. there's no air raid. you're dreaming, chuck. - oh, no, skip, it wasn't a dream. it was washing machine charlie. i saw the bomb hit the cook shack, it blew it sky high. - well, well, it must have all come down in one piece then. you see, it's still there like always. - you had a nightmare, parker-san. - yeah, come on, boys, back to the sack. - come on, chuck. - it must have been my imagination, skip, but i'm telling you, that dream was so real. i could just see this nip plane starting to make its run, then it came barreling in, machine guns blazing uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! [airplane approaching] - hit the deck!

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United States , Canada , Nevada , Texas , Alaska , Beverly Hills , Illinois , California , Houston , France , Chicago , America , French , Beauregard Allen , Harry Ron , Alfred Kramer , Gracie Allen , Lori Willis , Harry Vonn Zell , George Gracie , Brian Mcafee ,