And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen wooo wooo hey hey jon hey stephen whats going on . cheers and applause how are you, man . Jon whats happening . Stephen good to see you. Hey, thanks so much. Please, youre very kind. Thanks so much, everybody. So nice to be here. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause happy people. Happy people, of course. Happy tax day, everybody. This is the day when we all release our tax returns to the man who wont release his. laughter now, tax day is traditionally on the 15th of april, but since that was on a saturday, this year they gave everyone three more days to figure out how their bathroom is a home office. laughter i do a lot of reading in there. I do a lot jon a lot of reading in there, a lot of tweeting, you know. Stephen but on the 15th, thousands of people across the country, marched to get trump to release his taxes. cheers and applause beautiful idea. Lovely. Lovely idea. But the tax march did not get trump to release his taxes, much like the womens march did not get trump to release his women. laughter but nice try, nice try. Jon whoa, whoa. Stephen but he did release some tweets. laughter okay, i know you won, but you know those things arent related, right . laughter hey, i just won a spelling bee why are you looking in my crawl space . laughter and trump demanded to know who was really behind the tax marches. Yes, who paid for the rallies . I mean, they were authentic and drew people of all ages, so we know it wasnt pepsi. And laughter delicious. I could go. Delicious product, though, its a delicious product. Please buy it. Are they a sponsor . Are they a sponsor . Sure, why not . laughter and yesterday, during sean spicers daily spicening, the question of trumps taxes came up again. Is it time to just say once and for all, the president is never going to release his tax returns . Um, well have to get back to you on that. If you want i mean, so you. I mean, really . Really. So he may . No, i said id have to get back to you on that. So you cant even say if hell ever release his taxes . No matter what happens . How about this scenario aliens take over the earth, enslave mankind, and their one weakness the one way to destroy them and free humanity is that they are easily susceptible to 2000 2007 itemized tax returns from donald j. Trump. Would he release his tax returns then . I said id have to get back to you on that. laughter stephen hes consistent, hes consistent. Of course, who has time to worry about taxes when were about to go to war with north korea. But never fear, the white house sent mike pence to the d. M. Z. , and because the situation is so serious, he wore his top gun halloween costume. laughter the danger zone cheers and applause i would like to see i wouldnt mind i would like to see mike pence play shirtless volleyball in blue jeans. Jon yeah, that would be nice. Stephen obviously, if his wife was there. laughter and pence has got his work cut out for him because yesterday a north korean u. N. Representative warned now, this show pretapes. laughter so if youre watching this at home right now, we made it cheers and applause to 11 11 41. Im going to call 11 41. And this time, it isnt north korea with an erratic, trigger happy leader. According to one russian official well, then, russia, you should have thought of that before you elected him. laughter cheers and applause laughter our president. cheers and applause what . What what i just put the i forgot to put the im sure cbs wont mind. laughter now luckily, our president had some reassuring words this morning on the fox and the friends. The Vice President is in asia doing the fourstop tour, and he said, basically, the u. S. Is running out of patience, clearly a message to north korea. You have a navy fleet that is sent into the sea of japan right now. Have you ruled out a military strike . I dont want to telegraph what im doing or what im thinking. Stephen okay, but can you at least confirm that you are thinking . laughter and that youre familiar with more Current Technology than a telegraph . laughter no matter what trump was asked in this interview, they taped it monday but showed it this morning. No matter what ainsley asked him, trump never gave a straight answer. Did we sabotage the north korea strike . I dont want to comment on it. Okay, what happens if north korea launches another missile . We will find out. All right. Stephen all right. Have a good war. laughter now heres a word from our sponsor everblast subterranean, leadlined bunkers, everyone else is dead. laughter theyre still working on their motto. Theyre still working on their motto. Also are they a sponsor for us . Are they a sponsor for us . Id love to be in my blast shelter with some pepsi. It would be fantastic. laughter also, i noticed something odd about how trump refers to north koreas leader but, you know, theyve been talking with this gentleman for a long time. They have all been outplayed by this gentleman. Stephen i dont think trump knows kim jonguns name. laughter i dont this gentleman . This gentleman . Are they going to a strip club together . laughter why does he keep calling him this gentleman . Either that, or the best nickname he can come up with is this gentleman. And, mr. President , youre known for your nicknames. Your your your lyin ted, your crooked hillary. And this guy is a name bonanza. laughter theres so many you could try. How about shiitake mushroom hair, or the dear eater, or chairman cow, or the dictator tot, or el presidumpty, or the glorious peoples re piglet. Anything at all for this. cheers and applause looks fantastic. Now, we know trump never backs down from a fight as long as someone else is doing the fighting. Just listen just listen to one of his rallies last year when some protesters interrupted his speech. Come on, get em out get em out get em out. Oh, look who we have here, some wonderful people. Awwwww. Get out of here get out get out unbelievable. U. S. A. u. S. A. u. S. A. stephen u. S. A. u. S. A. that guys in charge of the u. S. A. laughter now, that was in louisville last year, and trumps supporters provided all the slugging. And now those protesters are suing donald trump for inciting violence at his rallies, which is kind of like suing olive garden for inciting breadsticks. laughter but the president has a simple counterargument suck it. Because the presidency, he says makes him immune to lawsuits. Oh, immune to lawsuits. I finally know why he ran for president. laughter uh, mr. Trump, mr. Trump, mr. Trump, as your lawyer i should advise you, you have over 70 pending lawsuits against you. Okay, ive got an idea. Give me that hat. laughter now, one White Nationalist whos being sued by protesters, matthew heimbach, claims that trump should have to pay any damages, not heimbach, because heimbach so to sum up a white supremacist roughs up a protester, protester sues white supremacist, and instead of blaming minorities, the white supremacist blames his problems on a powerful white guy. Progress. laughter baby steps. Baby steps. cheers and applause makes you feel somewhere, somewhere in here. Now, trump is scheduled to make a state visit to Great Britain this year, and not everyone in old england is feeling jolly about it. A petition to cancel the visit was signed by 1. 8million people. cheers and applause 1. 8 wow 1. 8million. Thats a huge number. I mean, thats like a fake inauguration crowd number. laughter and he doesnt want just any arrival when he gets there. Trump wants a goldplated carriage ride with the queen. I dont know why either he wants the goldplated carriage ride with the queen . To make him feel important . Or. Oh no your majesty, if you hear the sound of tictacs, just open the door and roll out. Just get away. Im telling her to get away from him. You understand . Im the good guy if this scenario. You understand . Im being helpful in the thing i just made up. cheers and applause thank you. And the golden carriage is just one of trumps flashy demands. We actually got our hands on the letter that trump sent over to Buckingham Palace with the rest of the wishes. Its the actual letter because its got the president ial seal right there, and you cant fake that. laughter legally, i think i could go to jail. Jon oh yeah, thats it. Stephen i think i could go to azkaban for doing that. I dont know in england what they do with that. All right, here we go. Jimmy, here we go laughter laughter laughter sincerely, donnie. But it was all funny until we killed harry potter. laughter but some people are enjoying the trump administration, and i dont just mean the Founding Fathers who get to have fun spinning around in their graves. Weeeeeeee laughter no, im talking about our old friends the obamas. This week, barack and Michelle Obama were in polynesia, and someone managed to get us this shot of barack taking a vacation picture of michelle. Posing for a picture on a yacht . Wow. Michelle decided to plagiarize melania for once. laughter lets um can we get that back up again . Lets get a closer look. Hes taking a picture with an ipad. laughter daaad come on this is worse than when uncle joe made everyone look at his Leaning Tower of penis. laughter and we miss you, sir. cheers and applause we miss you. And the obamas werent even the most powerful people on the boat, because joining them on the superyacht were oprah, as well as tom hanks and bruce springsteen. That is nearly all of americas strategic likability reserve laughter i just pray to god they put dwayne the rock johnson in a secure location. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause alec baldwin is here. Stick around. I was wondering if an electric toothbrush really cleans. Better than a manual, and my hygienist says it does. But. Theyre not all the same. Turns out, theyre really. Different. Who knew . I had no idea. So, she said look for. One thats shaped like a dental tool with a round. Brush head. Go pro with oralb. Oralbs rounded brush head surrounds each tooth to. 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Ask your vet for more information. Reported side effects include vomiting and itching. Nexgard. The vets 1 choice. Stephen give it up for the band, everybody jon jon. If im not mistaken, if im not mistaken, and, please, please correct me if im wrong here, but you appear to have some very special guests with the band tonight. Would you please tell us who is sitting in. Jon blues legends keb mo and taj mahal. Yeah, baby stephen thank you for being here, gentlemen. Well be hearing songs from their new blues album tonight, tajmo. Thank you for being here. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is one of my favorite actors, and i wish he was president. Please welcome the great sir alec baldwin. cheers and applause wooo wow what a nice crowd you have. Stephen they are lovely people. We decided to have a nice crowd for you tonight. Because of you, we decided to have the best crowd of the week. Its chilly in here. cheers and applause stephen its comedy weather. Its comedy weather. Keeps the guests fresh. I was in my closet and thought i have a few suits to put on and i said im not going to wear a suit, im going to give you this dirty cheers and applause i call it the springsteen look, my black shirt. So whats up . Im sorry, i didnt dress up for you. Stephen no, you are always dressed up. You look like you are about to do tae kwon do or something. By the way im about to clean your pool. Stephen you said springsteen just now. Can i ask you a quick question about the obamas . Did you hear what i was talking about, the obamas were on geffens yacht with oprah and springsteen and tom hanks and paul mccartney. Do you ever do stuff like that . Because i hear about stuff like that, and i go, i never get invited to those parties . laughter you dont . Stephen no, i havent. And why do you think that is . laughter no, but im saying, like stephen im too darn busy. Exactly, you are. Sometimes i seem to miss that, you know, because of my kids and, like, ill be making a movie, and the invitation will come and say, come to mick jaggers daughters wedding, or something. And im like, i cant. Im up here in canada making a movie. Ill say to them, can i get out of work to go to mick jaggers daughters wedding. No you cant get out of work to do that. Stephen what a hard life you have. My wife will say, nobody feels sorry for you alec. Stephen nobody should feel sorry for you. You have a lovely wife. You have a brandnew daughter or son . We have our son, leo, who was in the room just now, and we had to change his diaper, and we were afraid somebody was going to walk in and go, oh, alec, what happened in here . laughter it was the baby. Stephen oh, sure. Also, not only the new baby, but also you have one of the greatest careers of all time, which is a silly thing were doing now. Stephen exactly, right now. You are when i saw your donald trump for the first time. cheers and applause i think, like a lot of people, i think like a lot of people. When i saw your trump i went, oh, thank god. laughter somebody has cracked that nut. Do you like doing it . Its amazing. I think more than anything its kind of eerie, actually, more than anything i have ever done, people come up to me and Say Something to me on the streets. You are in new york, and people come up to us on the street and Say Something all the time. My daughter carmen, our daughter carmen is threeandahalf, and i call her the reincarnation of elaine strich. laughter thank you that you got that, thank you. And people will walk up to me, and well be putting carmen in her little stroller and someone will walk by very quietly and go, thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Theyre like thank me for the trump thing. And my daughter carmen looks at them and goes, i dont like you laughter like, enough of this slapping my dad on the back and congratulating him. Just go away stephen whats your hookin . What is the thing you have to do . Is it is it your face . Is it the hair . Is it the hands . Is it the voice. What is theyre sitting there on s. N. L. Theyre always coaching you. And i was going to do a movie this last summer, and lorne would say, i want you to come and do trump . And you know lorne. Stephen i would like you to do your trump, please. Come and do trump every saturday for 18 consecutive weeks. laughter so, i go do this film, and the film fell apart and it was kind of weird, all of a sudden the movie just ended, im not going to do the movie. So i picked up the phone and called lorne and said, im trump. Here i come. Im on my way. And we get in the room and they show us footage of him. Its totally a caricature. You just pick a few things. Im sitting in the room, left eyebrow up, right eyebrow down, shove your face out. Youre trying to suck the chrome off the fender of a car. laughter youre like. cheers and applause stephen thank you. Hey, thank you thank you stephen now, trump isnt your first sort of questionable president you have experience with, because i found out you went to g. W. , right . Yes Stephen George washington university. Stephen you ran for president of the school. Stephen president of the school. Shot for the top, okay. And im really jealous, because nixon is my guy. Hes my president. Is he . Stephen because i remember the watergate hearings. Thats my first introduction to presidency and you got this fantastic letter from nixon right there, Richard Nixon himself. He calls you alex. You know what the greatest part is, is he writes, from our mutual friend Mark Weinberg i have learned of the disappointing results, as far as you are concerned he writes. Stephen as far as you are concerned of the recent George Washington University Student body elections. The important thing is that you cared enough to enter the arena. Enter the arena. Stephen are you ever going to reenter the arena . No, no. Stephen come on. Entertainers can be president s. But, you tell me what you thin, because you did one of the most astute, super political shows for years, and that is i think trump its not going to swing back its not going to stay that way, meaning its not going to open the door for nontraditional candidates. Stephen no, no, basically is goes competency, incompetency, competency. Right, right. laughter it goes crazy, safe, crazy, safe. cheers and applause but clinton, bush, obama, trump. Itll swing back. Some guy who is, like, governor, next year of nevada stephen of any place. Really of any place would be nice. Do we really care at this point . Stephen the guy from Governors Island would be fine. Governors island. The mayor of Governors Island. Stephen we have to take a little break but well be right back with alec baldwin and his new book nevertheless. cheers and applause introducing listerine® zero alcohol™. It delivers a whole mouth clean with a less intense taste. So it has the bad breath germkilling power of this. With the lighter feel. Of this. Try listerine® zero alcohol™. You might not ever just stand there, looking at it. You may never even sit in the back seat. Yeah, but maybe you should. laughter stephen welcome back, everybody. Were here with the lovely and talented sir alec baldwin. Now, alec, you have a new book here is this your first book . I wrote another book. Stephen its a memoir called nevertheless. Okay, there you are now, and here you are back in the jack ryan days. The guy that shot this picture he shot both pictures 30 years apart the same guy. A friend of mine, michael todd. Stephen did you get a break the second time because it was like a twofer. We put a lot of vaseline on the lens the second time. Stephen why a memoir . Youre only 59 years old. What are you trying to remember at this point . Exactly. Im afraid i wont have the memory or energy for it 20 years from now. I thought to myself while i still have a few shards of memory left ill do it now. Stephen obviously, i read the book, but in case i havent laughter it goes without saying i read all the books. I read all the books. Yeah, yeah, thats what i love about you. Stephen oh, yeah. This was so easy to read, it passed right through, like you greased it. Are there, like, confessions in here . Are there things you just wanted to get out which was your favorite confession . Stephen oh, i think laughter i think it was that i think hold on. I think it was the key party with gayle king. Oh, it was a good one. Stephen you and charlie rose. No, but, are you are you really getting things out about your life . Like let me tell you the story before there are rumors about it. Its bogus but i talk about things i never talked about publicly before. Stephen why is that bogus . Because it sounds like im trying to sell books. I talk about i had a problem with drugs when i was younger, you know, when i was younger. Stephen i can ask you something here . Its a little bit of a personal question. I have been a fan of yours for years, and ive admired your career obviously, this is the real jack ryan, not harrison ford. This is the real jack ryan. I was first. Stephen but you like, you famously like yelled at a paparazzo out there on the street one day. Yes. Stephen more than one time. Yes. Was i on drugs then is what you are asking. Stephen no, beyond drugs or not beyond drugs. Thats your own life. What i didnt understand is sometimes you seemed like an angry guy. You are a handsome guy, talented, have a beautiful wife, a great career. What made you angry . What was the anger . The times ive been angry in my life which you can count them on one hand, really. There have been five of them in my whole life and there just happened to be a lot of cameras nearby. Its terrible. laughter there was one guy who was a paparazzi, we were coming out of our apartment and he was walking backwards this is a true story and he tripped and fell on a baby in a stroller, our neighbors baby and he sat on the baby in the stroller. And that that upset me. That upset me. Stephen uhhuh. Yeah, i got upset. Stephen so youre not an angry person. No, i dont think i am. I dont think i am. laughter stephen i accept that. I accept that. But i think that the my favorite was this cop gets me when we had the whole problem with the paparazzi and he said, mr. Baldwin, i know people say you have a tough time controlling your temper getting control of yourself, but i want to say i think you do a very good job. When i think of what you could have done to this guy if we didnt show up a half an hour ago. But i think you make a very good point is i had to learn once again, with my wife and my kids, not to make certain mistakes because it only adds to their problems, you know what i mean . The camera guys come down and i just ignore them. But they used to bother me. Stephen youre the eldest of six, right . I have an older sister. Im the oldest son. Stephen two girls, four boys. Right. Stephen big Irish Catholic family . Yes. Stephen did you ever think about being a priest . I did. In my family i was told the oldest son of an oldest son in an Irish Catholic family is supposed to become a priest and i did think about it for a while. Stephen my familys tradition was every child was asked to consider holy orders. You had to give it thought . Did you. Stephen sure . For how long. Stephen i was an altar boy and i wanted to be an actor and thats kind of like a priest, right . Yeah. Stephen because theres a stage and an audience there. laughter but i didnt like that theyre not allowed to applaud, you know. Theyre not allowed to applaud at the end of mass like, you nailed it i heard a rumor just recently from one of my producers that im angry. Stephen that you went on a date with jacqueline onassis. Okay, now. Im going to need a drink before we talk about this. Stephen lets sell some books. My friend, jim hart, who was married to carly simon calls me up and says, do you want to come to see dancing at lunissa. And come to our apartment, a quick al fresco meal. 6 30, dont be late. Stephen al fresco means naked, right . Its in the book. Read the book. He goes its going to be you, me, carly and a mystery guest. I arrive a little early and 6 30 comes around and in walks Jacqueline Kennedy. And she was there. But it was definitely not a date. Stephen come on please, what would Jacqueline Kennedy want with me . laughter applause stephen youre not a priest youre not a priest and let me tell you, she wasnt a nun laughter Jacqueline Kennedy was we have dinner with her. The funny thing was, she said to me she did speak the way people kind of imitate her. She goes, my driver, body guard, john, is downstairs, and theres a lot of paparazzi there, and i dont want us to be photographed, so im going to go downstairs and get in my car with john and were going to go to the theater separate from you, and you and carly and jim can get in your car. So literally, carly, jim. And put wigs on, and big sunglasses so they didnt know stephen wigs . So they didnt know which one of you was jacqueline onassis. Yeah, like im jacqueline onassis. She goes in her car and she sat in front of us. We didnt sit together. Does this sound like a date to you . Stephen yeah, yeah. It sounds like a date to me. I didnt go on very good dates when i was younger. Thats why. You had fun dates. Stephen we have to take a little break right here, but i would like to talk to you when i back, i always wanted to act with you. Can we make that happen. Stephen i dont know. Well find out when we come back. Stick around, everybody. Well be right back with alec baldwin. Are you still trying to perform with an old computer . Thats like lebron. Trying to perform with old equipment. Ooh. Well that is not what the fans signed up to see. Is outdated Equipment Holding you back . Upgrade your game to intels fastest processor. You should probably upgrade those, too. Discover card. Hooh, youre real . . You know im real at discover, were always here to talk. Good, cause i dont have time for machines. Some Companies Just dont appreciate the power of conversation you know, i like you i like you too at discover, we treat you like youd treat you. Get the it card and talk to a real person. 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Alec, obviously, its been great having you here. Im loving the book, which im going to read again. laughter nevertheless, truly a fantastic book. And more importantly, youre just one of my favorite actors. cheers and applause i feel you know whats funny. I feel the same way about you, stephen . Stephen really, you really feel that way . Even if i didnt, youd never be able to tell. Thats how great an actor i am. Stephen bravo, bravo. We do have to go. Its too bad we only had time for an interview. Id love to act at you sometimes. Act at me. Stephen yeah, thats how hard i act. Yeah, yeah. Why not right now . Stephen now . This is a broadway stage. Stephen it is a broadway stage. Thank you for insisting but i dont think we have time to put on a whole play. But we could do the final climactic scene from a never beforeseen stage drama. Stephen and to make sure that it makes sense to the audience, we can cram all the characters backstory into the dialogue. Lets do it stephen okay its time for the late shows too much exposition theatre. The late show presents, too much exposition theatre. Stephen how enchanting it is to be here alone in my solitude in the fiefdom of my mad uncle who died suddenly of the plague when i pushed him from a window. And now i, balthasar, his only living heir, stand unopposed to inherit castle lancastwinshire. cheers and applause good afternoon, my lord and since i am tardy good morning. Stephen can it really be you . Yes, it is i, your cousin, manvolio, son of your mad uncle, the duke of lancastwinshire, and his rightful heir. I see youre filled with disbelief, for you have not laid eyes upon me since we were mere beardless youths competing for the affections of the fair lady eleanor. Ah, fair eleanor. Stephen but, cous, me thought you drowned whilst lawfully apprehended to a one eyed silversmith who lost the crown jewels of the empire in a game of chance on board a galley off the coast of sardinia nay, cous nay, cous, for at the time i went overboard, the vessel was passing the port town of catania. Stephen catania . Between calabro and policoro . No, no. Look at this map. You see, we passed north northeasterly past palermo. Stephen ah, yes, near reggio, home of cousin giovanni. No, here. Look at the family tree. Youre thinking of ruggierio, son of drunk uncle nencio. Stephen uh. Locked in an iron mask in the deepest dungeon of the highest tower of the farthest kingdom . Stephen right, the mask guy. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. And now here i stand, having washed ashore on an island where monkeys roamed like sheep and ruled like gods. And only by disguising myself as my own sister was i able to seduce the captain of a passing naval frigate to surprise you here stephen oh, cous, tis no surprise, for, you see, shortly after your disappearance, i was traipsing in the woods laughter looking for sweet crabapple when i was surrounded by three witches. The sexy kind . Stephen is there any other . laughter and these wishes three they warned me that one day youd return to claim what is rightfully yours. But all you will claim is this dagger whoa, whoa, whoa dagger . Dear cousin, you mistake me. I have no interest in the castle. I was just stopping by to pick up my, ah, my, ah, basketball pump. I left it here before the whole Monkey Island thing. Stephen basketball pump that worries . I was wondering who this belonged to thank you. Now basketball pump, do your ill deed stephen no no dont pump it no cheers and applause no no alec baldwin, everyone his book nevertheless is available now. Well be right back with Charlamagne Tha God cheers and applause yes hey allergy muddlers are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool . Try zyrtec® its starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®. No splashing wait, so you got rid of verizon, just like that . Uh huh. I switched to tmobile, kept my phone everything on it oh, they even paid it off wow yeah, its nice that every bad decision doesnt have to be permanent now you can ditch verizon but keep your phone. Well even pay it off when you switch to tmobile. Home loan, that newly listed,ank midcentury ranch withed for a the garden patio will be gone. Or you could push that button. [dong] [rocket launching] skip the bank, skip the waiting, and go completely online. Get the confidence that comes from a secure, qualified mortgage approval in minutes. Lift the burden of getting a home loan with Rocket Mortgage by quicken loans. [whisper rocket] its my dale call. [engine revving sounds] if youre on a diet of taking it up a notch. Thats way better than my duck call. Drink diet dew. The only diet with dew in it. , happiness is powerful flea and tick protection from nexgard. Nexgard kills fleas and ticks all month long. And it comes in an easytogive tasty chew. And that makes dogs and owners happy. No wonder vets love it too. Reported side effects include vomiting, itching, diarrhea, lethargy and lack of appetite. See your vet for more information on flea and tick protection you and your dog will love. Nexgard. The vets 1 choice. ,,,, band playing band playing cheers and applause stephen give it up again for taj mahal and keb mo and the band. My next guest prides himself on aggravating everyone, but i like how aggravating he is. Please welcome, Charlamagne Tha God. applause stephen all right, good to see you again. Thank you for having me again. Stephen this is a slightly happier occasion. The last time we were together was on the live Election Night show dont remind me. Stephen well, theres a reminder at 1600 pennsylvania avenue every day. Yes, it is, yes, it is. Stephen and the last time on election show which was a bit of a shocker. Yeah. Stephen didnt know what to expect. A little bit didnt know what to say, but you said this, well, congratulations, america. You bleep this one up. laughter applause in retrospect. cheers and applause . Yeah, yeah. Stephen in retrospect yeah. Stephen do you think you might have overreacted in the moment . No, i think i think i was right. laughter stephen what i see happening now is what i was afraid was going to happen the night of the election. Absolutely. I think were at a point right now in the country where its not even about, you know, conservative and liberal or right and left. I just think its about right and wrong, good and evil, god and satan, and you have to ask yourself what side of history do you want to be on . applause stephen um, well, youve got a new book. Yes, i do. My first book, ever cheers and applause yes. Thank you. Stephen its a book about your experience and your view of the world. Its called black privilege. Opportunity comes to those who create it. Stephen what is black privilege . First of all, i think its a privilege to be black. I think when youre talking about black privilege, youre talking about something spiritual. When you talk about while the privilege you talk about something systemic and think we have a divine system that enables us to prosper in this country in spite of everything weve been through. But i simply feel like this is a privilege to be alive, period. I feel like whatever you are, whatever god made you, whatever he put you here as, you should find privilege in that, and you should find to empower you. applause stephen i believe that. That no matter what happens in your life, theres only one response, and thats gratitude to be here. Always, to be here. I think we take it for granted. When you think about it, when your father has sex with your mother its 400 million sperm cells that come out, and only one allows us to be where we are. Stephen yeah. So thats a lot of privilege in that sperm. laughter stephen yeah. Yeah. Stephen i, for the record, do not believe my parents had sex. Really. Stephen no, just a Firm Handshake. Okay. Stephen Firm Handshake at bedtime and see you in the morning, darling. Thats the image i have in my mind for the record. Now, what is South Carolina privilege. Youre from South Carolina, im from South Carolina. Not that far away. Moncks corner. Moncks corner. Stephen whats South Carolina privilege . Me being here four times in the past year. Stephen thats right. We love having you on. When my book came out, other late night shows were like, we want you on. Can you do us before colbert . I said, no, i cant. Hes from South Carolina. Ive been on three times already. Stephen palmetto state, got to represent. Palmetto state got to stick together. Stephen we have to hang up on the in South Carolina. We have to go half on a school or something or half on a scholarship. Stephen i work with my friends at donors choose in South Carolina. Do you mix up with them . No, but id like to. Let them know i dont have the money you do. Stephen this is a sweet book money. Hopefully i could get into that tax bracket but i would love to do something in South Carolina, like, just for the schools. Stephen if you got into my tax bracket, you might like trump more. No, no, because im the type of guy that will always choose morals over money, you know. applause stephen spoken spoken like a man who doesnt have the money yet. laughter does this book reveal anything embarrassing about you dont ask. Hey, do not tempt the lord thy god. He might give it to you. Thats right. Any embarrassing revelations in addition here . I mean, i talk about my penis size. Like stephen is that embarrassing, charlamagne . It depends im seven inches, threefourth in the winter, eight in the summer. laughter stephen i think we might have to call timeout right now. I might have im sorry, i might have to might have to throw a flag on that. I do tell a story about my my shes now my wife. At the time she was my girlfriend. And, you know, we you know, she was in college, in college you go through your phase, and she was a cheerleader and she had slept with another guy. And she told me his penis was bigger than mine and that was really traumatizing. So i ordered pills called magna r. X. , that was suppose to make your penis bigger and i was doing exercises to stretch my penis and take the pills. Stephen but, again, anything embarrassing in the book . Oh, yeah, not really. laughter stephen great to you have back, man. Nice to see you. The book is black privilege. Its out today that is Charlamagne Tha God. Well be right back. applause ,,,,, happiness is powerful flea and tick protection from nexgard. A delicious chew that protects for an entire month. Ask your vet for more information. Reported side effects include vomiting and itching. Nexgard. The vets 1 choice
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