Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20170510

Theyre marigolds. I dont have time for this today, man, i have a show to do. So do i. Whats that button do . I dont upon, man. I just do cokes and sandwichs. I heard it either starts stephens show or blows up the sun but only an idiot would press that, right . Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes jon stewart. John oliver. Samantha bee ed helms and rob corddry. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey whats going on . cheers and applause whats going on, man . Jon whats going on . Stephen how was your weekend . Jon great. Audience Stephen Stephen stephen . Stephen welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Huge story that broke just minutes ago, like, less than 10 minutes ago. F. B. I. Director james comey has just been fired by donald trump. cheers and applause jon wooo stephen huge, huge donald trump fans here tonight. That shows no gratitude at all. Jon man. Stephen did trump forget about the hillary emails that comey talked about . I mean thanks for the presidency, jimmy. Now dont let the door hit you where the Electoral College split you want. Im shocked. My heart is pumping. My pulse is racing. He fired the f. B. I. Director who has said under oath that hes investigating the trump campaigns ties to russia. No rationale has been given yet as to why but it came on the recommendation of attorney general jeff sessions. Audience booo stephen i think i think i might know why. I think he was fired because comey couldnt ge guess the name rump pel still skin. Trump sent comey a all right in which he writes does everything have to be about him . Well, i greatly appreciate you telling me that i am an amazing lover, i am leaving you for a younger woman, on the advice of the department of justice. laughter now, well have more on this tomorrow when they scramble to cover the whole thing up. But laughter but speaking of coverups, speaking of coverups, this whole trump campaignrussia tie thing will not go away, no matter how many times trump tweets that the whole thing has gone away. The latest is former National Security adviser and sam the eagle cosplayer Michael Flynn see you at comiccon, sir. Flynn, you remember, was fired after just 24 days because he lied about his connections to russia and he also failed to report money he received from russianlinked companies, including 45,000 for attending a gala dinner in moscow where he sat next to russian president vladimir putin. Really nice dinner, too. Jon man,. Stephen no, no. It was a beautiful dinner. He got to choose between chicken, fish, or duffel bag full of untraceable cash. Thats the glutenfree option. Well, yesterday, we learned that during their first meeting after the election, obama warned trump about hiring flynn. And it was just as effective as when obama warned america about hiring trump. applause . cheers yeah. He seems persuasive. He seems persuasive. Just couldnt seal the deal. If he did that, why didnt trump heed this warning . Sources say trump thought obama was joking. You know, that old joke why did the chicken cross the road . Hes working for the russians. And its actually Michael Flynn in a chicken costume. And obama wasnt the only one. In a Senate Hearing yesterday, former acting attorney general and future robin wright awardwinning role, sally yates, said she also warned the white house about flynn. The russians also knew that general flynn had misled the Vice President and others. And that created a compromised situation, a situation wherein the National Security adviser essentially could be blackmailed by the russians. Stephen so yates told the white house that flynn was compromised, and he was fired immediately. 18 days later. laughter thats a lot of lag time. If only there was some quick catch phrase trump had for removing people from their jobs. Oh, i know youre not my soninlaw. applause but out, out. applause i dont know. But trumps not worried about the testimony of sally yates or the testimony of former intelligence director james clapper, tweeting director clapper reiterated what everybody, including the fake media, already knows there is no evidence of collusion with russia and trump. Um, mr. President , a little tip when you put no evidence in quotes, it really makes you seem innocent. cheers and applause and to really drive the point home, trump photoshopped that tweet into his twitter banner. If youre going to photoshop something into this picture, id recommend maybe a black person. Just just pretend pruar pred its a college brochure. People are still angry about the Health Care Bill that Congress Passed last thursday. Audience boo youre a little late, but thank you. And trump knows why wow, the Fake News Media did everything in its power to make the Republican Health care victory look as bad as possible. Far better than ocare ocare, of course, is an abbreviation for the words obama and cares if you die. laughter applause and House Republicans yay yay were gonna die and House Republicans are taking heat, like idaho congressman and hispanic dilbert, raul labrador. Youre mandating people on medicaid accept dying. You are making a mandate no one wants anybody to die. You know, that line is so indefensible. Nobody dies because they dont have access to health care. crowd boos stephen hes right. Hes right. They die from saying things like that to an angry mob with nothing left to lose. applause cheers jon you cant say that. Stephen that is ballsy. Labrador defended his remarks, saying, during ten hours of town halls, one of my answers about health care wasnt very elegant. Oh, the problem isnt what he said. Its that it wasnt said elegantly. Let me try for just a second. Let me try. Uhhuh help uhhuh. Uhhuh. laughter applause laughter this really messes with your depth perception. laughter here we go. Here we go. Nobody dies because they dont have access to health care. laughter elegant cheers and applause look where i lit it. Look where i lit it. There you go. That is some that is some good filter. laughter another defender of the bill was director of the office of management and budget and man asking god to strike him down now, Mick Mulvaney. This sunday, he told cbss John Dickerson why we shouldnt worry about the new Health Care Bill. The bill that passed out of the house is most likely not going to be the bill that is put in front of the president. So the president kept saying this is a great bill and its a good bill but its incomplete isia whatyoure saying. We remember School House Rock when we were kids, im a bill, yes a bill, but its going to go through that process. Stephen ood its just like School House Rocks. Here to respond from the capitol steps, please welcome Health Care Bill. Bill, thank you for joining us. Thanks for having me, stephen. Stephen bill let me just ask you something im just a bill, yes im only a bill. And im sitting here on capitol hill stephen i understand. Thats my song . I know its your song, bill. Its how youre known. But do you agree with Mick Mulvaney that are you not yet in your final form . Thats right, stephen. The house may have passed me, but now i go to the senate, and the whole thing starts all over again. Its a long journey, but i cant wait to be a law stephen bill, you should know, a lot of people dont like you. They dont . But, stephen im just a bill yes im only a bill and im sitting here stephen we know. Listen. Oh, thats right, we established that. Stephen now, bill, i have to ask have you even read yourself . Well, no, i thought the congress would read me. Stephen they didnt, bill, and if you become law, 24 Million People could lose their health insurance. What . Thats terrible. Well, at least i cover preexisting conditions. Stephen no, you dont do that, either. My god, im a monster. Who created me . Stephen bill, i dont know how to tell you this, but donald trump. Is your father. No thats not true thats impossible cheers and applause stephen read yourself, bill. Read yourself, bill. You know it to be true. Noooooooooooo stephen calm down, bill, calm down. Its going to be all right. No, i have to be stopped. If no one else will do it, ill veto myself stephen no, bill no, bill, dont aaarrgghhh stephen oh, my god. Hes hes dead. No, im not. They made copies. Were all screwed stephen Health Care Bill, everybody. Weve got a great show for you tonight. My guests are jon stewart, john oliver, sam bee, rob corddry, and ed helms stick around. You never know whatll inspire you. The rhythm of the waves. The language, the laughter. 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I am there is there is an absolutely electric feeling in this building tonight. It is so incredible to see my old friends from the daily show here. Jon stewart, john oliver, sam bee, ed helms, rob corddry. We were all just talking backstage. None of us has aged a day. And just seeing those guys, it just really takes me back. I mean, i can still remember my last day at the the daily show like it was yesterday. I cant i cant put it into words but it can put it into flashback. Is this. Is this working . Can we do the effect, please, jim . Thats the. Ahhhh. My final day. So many memories. But there comes a time when a man has to do something completely different the same character, half an hour later, half a block away. laughter courage. Okay, just got to pack up my lucky mug. Gotta pack up my lucky box of free printer cartridges. And my lucky and my lucky tangerine ibook the sleekest, most stylish product apple will ever make. Hey, stephen. cheers and applause stephen hi, samantha bee getting ready to head out, stephen . Stephen yeah, samantha bee. I am opinion i cant believe youre leaving right in the middle of the george w. Bush administration. There will never be another president this good for comedy. I mean, this guy does something ridiculous, like, least once a month pup know. I know theres one thing for sure there is no scenario in which i will ever say, gosh, i wish george w. Bush was president. cheers and applause . Stephen you look great by the way. You look fantastic. Have you seen my yogurt. Stephen i have not seen your yogurt. No, i have not seen it. Okay. Hey, Stephen Stephen hey, roar, hey ed helms. Whats up you guys. I cant believe youre leaving us, stephen. Its crazy. Its like beyonce leaving destinys child. Were never going to hear from her again. Stephen thank you for stopping by to say gone. Actually, we came because were fighting over which one of us gets your office gli just dont know how to choose. Come on, man. Im already ready to hang up my poster of my two favorite comedians, bill cosby, and subway spokesman jared fogel. Stephen i know one thing, rob. They will never let you down hey, has anyone seen my yogurt . Stephen nope, nope, havent seen it. Hello there, chums. cheers and applause stephen hey how about that . Stephen oh, hey, look, its thats right, its me, steve carell, the lovely correspondent from the daily show in 2005. Why are you talking in that awful british accent . Because unlike you feebleminded chucklemonkeys, im off to hollywood to become a serious actor, but it is me, steve carell, laugh and ill prove it by saying something only steve carell can say, i have so much body hair, that there is an unbroken line of fur between my eyebrows and my ankles. laughter classic steve. Thats steve, yeah. Stephen has anyone seen my yogurt . Stephen no, no. Oh, there we are. cheers and applause dont look at me dont look at me dont look at me dont look at me im hideous stephen jon . What are you doing in there . The show is about to start . What . Were doing another one today . Yes, its a daily show. You have to do one every day. Why every day . You could cover everything you need to say about politics in half an hour on a sunday night people would watch that . On a sunday . I doubt it. Or a wednesday at 10 30, 9 30 central. Everybody, shut up shut the bleep up shut your mouths shut up got it . laughter jon yes why are you eating our yogurts . Because right now, were a family. And if someones in need, were always there for each other especially you, steve carell. Thanks. Jolly good. But i guess im realizing families grow up. Kids go off to college, or star in a billiondollar film franchise about a hangover. 1. 42 billion. Or an Academy Awardwinning franchise about a hot tub time machine. That won an Academy Award . Well, its still 2005. So you cant prove it hasnt laughter . I guess im realizing one day youll spread your wings and leave me. And all ill have left of you is your yogurts. Five minutes to show time, people oh, my god. Get me footage of an old lady slipping onitis. One frozen fanny coming up as steve carell always says. You guys give me three puns about Donald Rumsfelds penis. Schlongald nutsfeld wrinkled shaftsfeld prickretary of prickfense, dingdong rumsballs brilliant no wonder we win emmys all right. Stephen what about me, jon . What do i do . Stephen, i guess just arch your eyebrow or something. Makes people think youre smart. Stephen got it but first, before we do anything, our traditional preshow prayer. Hands in, everybody. Okay. Goooo, lbl agenda stephen stick around, everybody. All these people are on the show tonight. Well find out how much of what we said is real. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurhuh. With geico. I should take a closer look at geico. Geico can help with way more than car insurance. Boats, homes, motorcycles. Even umbrella coverage. This guys gonna wish he brought his umbrella. Fire at will howd you know the guys name is will . Yeah . Its an expression, ya know . Fire at will . You never heard of that . Oh, there goes will bye, will thats not his name take a closer look at geico. Great savings. And a whole lot more. Allthat was amazing. E sitting. The ceiling is all spider webs. We missed grandpas 99th birthday. Im actively trying to stand up right now. And his funeral. Oh i have a beard. Oh a chip. laughter Binge Watching isnt always rewarding. But hotels. Com is. Thanks captain obvious. How long have you been here . Unlock instant savings now and earn free nights to use later. Hotels. Com. Better than a manual, and my hygienist says it does. But. Theyre not all the same. Turns out, theyre really. Different. Who knew . I had no idea. So, she said look for. One thats shaped like a dental tool with a round. 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Hello. cheers and applause cheers audience jon i miss you im im not comfortable here. laughter i dont feel i dont feel comfortable. Stephen i am perfectly comfortable i know youre comfortable. I dont feel comfortable. Ill tell you, i dont feel comfortable. Stephen why . Ive been reading about you. Ive been seeing about you in the news. You have a potty mouth. laughter applause . Stephen that, i do. cheers and applause but might i say, i learned it from you, dad. laughter do you you know that james comey was fired by trump, right . What . laughter stephen did you i got a question for the audience. When i said that comey was fired by trump, you all cheered. Why . laughter is it because what he did to hillary . cheers and applause but you know hes investigating trumps campaigns ties to russia, which now will evaporate like cotton candy in the ocean. No, you know what youve got. Audience boo they were riding a wave that was like a beginners surfers class where they were like, im standing up oh, no, wait now im on my knees homeland on. I hate that guy, i love that guy, but trump did it but they didnt know how to feel and it was interesting to watch. Stephen well, listen, you live on a farm now, okay. Y dont stephen you live on a farm. I live in new jersey. laughter applause . Stephen there are farms in new jersey. No stephen you have a farm. You have a farm. On a night like this when james comey has just been fired, do you miss, you know, doing a show like this . Because you used to, you know, talk about bleep . Now you literally shovel it. laughter do you niss do you miss like is tonight a night like, i want to get in there . There are nights i find myself impotently shouting into the abyss, which if you think about it, wasnt that different from what i did on a nightly basis. Stephen no, no, ultimately these shows are shouting into an altoid tin and throwing it off an overpass. I miss the the process of making the show somehow became entwined with my process of making sense of things that i that i didnt understand and the two sort of merged at some level. So i miss that. And i miss the people, like you and, you know, all the great people that were around it. And it is nice certainly, you know, when you come out. In life, very few people applaud you. laughter like, like if i go to the store to get something, its not like, oh, my god, bread like, its not like here you come out, and theres theres a response and affirmation that you dont necessarily get amongst sheep and goats. But, i dont its things that ive gained in terms of time spent with family and things like that, i wouldnt give up. Stephen youre going to make me cry, jon. Stop it stephen we havent been together to talk since bill oreilly what happened . Stephen he went to a farm upstate. Is it your farm by any chance . I invited him to come live with us on the farm. Ill tell you, we only have geldings and we have no bulls. Only steers. Everybody everybody pays a price for freedom on our farm. Stephen are you all are you surprised that it actually happened for him after so many years of not happening . Thats what surprised me, not that it happened but after so many years of people knowing the behavior he was accused of and the cash payouts the thing was run by a guy doing the same thing. Roger ailes was involved in the same thing. How could you call somebody who works for you and say, this Sexual Harassment stuff, and the money were paying out, its got to stop. When you are paying out money for Sexual Harassment. There was no accountability throughout the entire building. Ill tell you youve been over there. It felt like i remember i would go and tape bill oreillys show, and as you would leave, you would see little heads, like, pop out of doors in the hallways, almost like that scene in in raiders of the lost arkwhen all the kids look outside. It was that feeling of, take us with you. Stephen its temple of doom jon. It was temple of doom . Stephen youve really lost a step. You have no idea. Honestly, it is like, when you grow the beard, i now my children tell me my kisses feel like punishment. Thats what my life is right now. laughter what do you think . Smooth . applause smooth, right . Stephen soft as an angels bleep . Are you do you feel like are you surprised stephen hes mad. Hes mad i said angel bleep and now they have to bleep patha. Is that true. Stephen i said soft as an angels bleep . Im insulted that has to be bleepped. Thats like saying you wouldnt kiss an angels bleep . Shame on you the things you say, even theyre crass or in some ways are not respectful enough to the office of the presidency. We can insult. He can injure. Like, its the difference between insult and injury. And for the life of me i do not understand why in this country we try to hold comedians to a standard we do not hold leaders to. cheers and applause its bizarre. Stephen all right, well, well be right back with more jon stewart. And some other people youre gonna love. Stick around. applause we, the entertainmentloving people, want all our rooms to be tv rooms. Because those are the best rooms. Because they have tvs in them. And, when were not in those rooms, we want our shows to go with us. Anywhere . You got that right, kid show thing. Get a directv allincluded package for 4 rooms. Only 25 a month, price guaranteed for 2 years. Available for at t unlimited plus customers. When i feel controlled by frequent, unpredictable abdominal pain or discomfort and diarrhea. 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Welcome back to the late show with jon stewart right here. Ladies and gentlemen, i am thrilled and honored to say my next guests are comedians, movie stars, and latenight hosts. Please welcome the host of full frontal, samantha bee the host of last week tonight, john oliver star of the hangover movies and the office, ed helms star of hot tub time machine and ballers, rob corddry cheers and applause stephen good to see you good to see you. How are you . Im not going to hug you this time. Corddry, corddry, good to see you. Please, have a seat. Please, and we sit. And we sit. Okay, all right. This is stephen now id like to start off by staying stephen, stephen, am i doing this wrong . Stephen just dont make eye contact. Dont give him food or he wont go away. I want to start off by saying this arrangement we have right now is exactly something we would have made fun of on the daily show. We would have stephen because it look likes it looks like a morning show right now. It does. Empty empty coffee mugs. The thing im proudest of from the daily show was diversity. I think thats the thing that laughter . Stephen thats what this proves. Theres a bald guy. Yeah. Im not wearing a jacket. Stephen so, okay, so, jon, you start the daily show. Lets go down memory lane. You start the daily show in 1999. I started in it in 1999. It started in 96. Stephen there is no proof that the daily show existed before you got there. Because ive looked at the Comedy Central website and i think they burned all the tapes. laughter i started i was there before jon not to throw weight around. I was at the daily show before you were. Yes. Stephen i started 20 years ago . I met you at the press conference where i got to be introduced as the host. Stephen showed up and asked me a question as a member of the press. Stephen right, because when it was announced you were going to be there in person which they didnt tell anyone on the staff that jon was going to be the new host. They announced a press conference. I said on the daily show i think we would cover this press conference. I showed up unannounced and said, mr. Stewart, the fact that youve been announced as the host of the the daily show. How does that impact my chances of becoming host of the daily show . And i said, i thought you told me he wasnt funny in . Stephen and thereby a great friendship was born. Who started next after me . When did you start . We both started the exact same time. The same day we auditioned you two on the same day. Stephen there were awe diswriegz oh, yeah. We had a whole process. Oh, yeah. Went through the gauntlet and you find out later those auditions are televised throughout the entire building. Yes, yes stephen so youre sitting there and everybody is watching it . Its on all the monitors in the entire building. Stephen if you guys dont remember your early field pieces we have a clip together here of. cheers and applause its just a little snippet. Its a little snippet here. It starts off with ed. Its you getting a mole removed from your nose was your first piece. I think youre covering gay penguins. Yeah. It wasnt my first but Stephen Early ones. A classic bee piece. Stephen rob, i think that youre talking about how spiderman prays . I dont remember. Stephen and, oliver, yours is about war reenactors. Correct. Stephen jim. Its a mole, a harmless mole. If i were to get this removed, is the tube in my rectum, is that a very uncomfortable part . laughter . In your rectum . laughter . Is that in the rectum . If you were to believe the producers of spiderman a leotard is a sexy outfit that attracts the ladies. But after an exhaustive investigation, i learned that that is simply not case. beeping really funny, thank you. How many pairs do you actually have . Three pairs that are same sex. One femalefemale pair among the gentu penguins, and two malemale pairs among the chin straps. So two of your gentu penguins and four of your bleep penguins are gay. Chin strap penguins. Thats what i said. Aaarrgghh freedom aaarrgghh laughter . John oliver had come face to face with the true face of war. I think ive broken my nose. I was gravely injured. It replayed in my mind in black and white, i slow motion, with cartoon sound effect. applause yup, yup. Stephen okay. John, did you ever did you ever feel bad about what you were sending us out to do . No. laughter no. I enjoyed it and would try and heighten it. Yeah. Johns lucky we didnt do that bit on pavement. We were going to do that whole stephen sam, do you remember going out and being afraid like this person might throw a punch at me or Something Like that . Oh, yeah. Oh, definitely oh, for sure. I mean, i would spend days with the worst homophobes and sometimes just the worst people you could possibly imagine, and you have to get them to engage in this big sketch that youve done and youve taken three airplanes to get there, and you need them to give you some content. So you have to be really nice to them all day in their homes big homophobes were never around good travel hubs. They were not. laughter that was always the worst part about the big homophobes. Always had to take a little puddle plane and another little thing. Yeah. Stephen i had to flee the klan one night. That was my second field piece. Thats right. Stephen yeah, i made the mistake we were doing Comedy Central station i. D. S at the cross burning in thend we went countryside, and as you do, it was a summer kirk like, lets find out where the klan was formed. We went to polaski, tennessee dont make it sound like steel magnolias. Stephen they dont know who i was, and we go out to this cross burning on the countryside and i said this would be a perfect summer kicker. And i said, im Stephen Colbert, and this is Comedy Central. And i looked around and then there are guys, big guys in hoodz saying to me, comedy what . What is this now . Where are you all from . And i said i said, my producer right here will talk to you. laughter and as you know, all the producers so this is Stephen Colbert all the producers are short jews. So basically, hes sending a small mouse into a lions den. laughter . Stephen this is actually and a woman as well. She came over at the moment. And she goes, what is the problem . And he goes, whats this comedy thing . You making fun of the klan . And she goes,look, guys, the president of the klan is over there across the field and he knows all about what were doing go talk to him. And he said,were going to. And they all walk across the field. And she said, haul ass and we ran as fast as we could. Thats awesome. Stephen we have to take a break well be back with more sam bee, john oliver, jon stewart, ed helms, and rob corddry. Stick around. Your passport and. Oh ok, were moving fast. To get around the city take the city bus. Thats not a bus. Youll need a tour guide. Apparently not. Dont forget a big camera. Or that phone will work. Traveling by yourself can be lonely. And. Youve already made friends. Huh. Youre fancy. Shopping can be difficult if you dont know the language. Oh never mind, your camera speaks spanish hold up. Is that a king . where are you . oh, your camera knows that too. Ok, i guess you have the world traveler thing covered. Of being there for my sons winning shot. That was it for me. Thats why im quitting with nicorette. Only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. It starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. Every great why needs a great how. applause off is here to help with proven protection against mosquitoes. Trust our family to protect yours. Sc johnson, a Family Company you know that feeling you get when youre locked in . Its like that, for your mouth. The refreshing citrus kick of mtn dew. Someday youll let me put my way ycomb up there air til then youre beautiful and i just stare ayou dont have to choose just one thing. Choose your trio with any 3 of 9 selections for 15. 99. Like new creamy lobster pasta toasted parmesan shrimp and southernstyle crab cakes. Come create your trio before it ends. Were back with sam bee, ed helms, rob corddry, john oliver, and jon stewart. Do you remember the guy who lived in florida and he he was like, i donticate gay people. They just make me nauseous. Yes. Because all of the lesbians are coming to florida, and converting the straight white women to lesbianism, and its making me physically nauseous. Yes. Wasnt he running for something . He was also running for office. Thats what it was. And i think he that was his platform. Hes probably doing great now. But i caught him planning a three sellwith me and the producer i went down with. Stephen what do you mean planning it . He was planning with his friend sorry, not a three sell, a four sell. They were going to separate us whoa consensually. Stephen thats a lovely story now. Thank you, thank you. No, no, they assumed we were i feel terribly like, this is just like, this is actually not your show. Its dr. Phils show, and hes going to be over there, and and hes just going to talk about how i allowed all of you to be put in these situations. Stephen did you ever think you could make yourself talk to people you would be in thereue had a point of view, always. The field pieces, you had a point of view, like a real reporter. Suppose the beauty is dead inside. Stephen that is so helpful. Not having a soul. We spotted that during the audition. Im british and so far removed from anything you would recognize as human emotion. I was really perfectly cut for this job because you would see people distressed and think so lucky. Makes life so much easier. I know, i know. Stephen lets remind people what joh jon was like whi met him. This is jon stewart and his enormous suits back in the day. They made you wear Craig Killborn suits. That guy is so immensely bleep . I do think there is something in this, though, that i would like to discuss very briefly, and that is why has age ravaged me. laughter you were the ones out in the field. Im in a studio surrounded by kraft services, and yet in a benjamin button scenario, i am at the beginning of the movie, and you all seem fine. laughter and this is i find this very particular. And is it because are you still in show business that you are being preserve dispd when you leave show business, like a desiccant just goes up and dries you out from the inside stephen when you leave the amniotic sack thats what happens. You look like a garden of earthly pleasures, and i am a small hand full of poe pory, that has dried. And im not suggesting im not still aromatic to some extent. Right. But, clearly, this is i mean, this really does look like a group of students coming back to see mr. Holland at the end laughter applause . Its the end, and ive done it all. Ive gone for six years, and youre going to be like, do you remember that time you played the theme from rocki for ud i, i dont remember anything. Its really shocking and quite upsetting. You look younger. Youre still beautiful. So beautiful so beautiful. Thank you . You glow. I sleep in formaldehyde, which is we live in l. A. , so theres a whole thing that goes on there, right . Are we talking. sniffing is that what youre talking about cheers and applause . Stephen nothing keeps you younger. I just want to tell you, i just want to indulge myself before we go, i want to thank all of you guys for being here. This was what it was like to hang out backstage. This is is what it was like to hang out backstage for years at the daily show the couches were different. Stephen not this nice. It was the greatest experience, greatest experience. And swroont this gig or any gig if it hadnt been for this man and the show that she. cheers and applause and all of you. And i want to go out on jon interviewing me as al sharpton in the favorite thing i ever did with this man on that show. Thank you, all well be right back applause i know that you lost now youre running for president. Seems backwards, but what are your thoughts on that . laughter . Um, im going to win. laughter im rested. Im ready. Im thin. laughter i ive got street cred now, since ive been in the old gray bar hotel. Which is what the kids are bar hotel. Which is what the kids are calling it these days. ,,,,, well its a perfect nespresso morning here, george. Bar hotel. Which is what the kids are callhold on a second. ,,,,, mmm. [mel torme sings comin home baby] hey there. Want a lift . Where are we going . No dont tell me. Let me guess. Have a nice ride. How far would you go for coffee thats a cup above . I brought you nespresso. Nespresso. What else . Late show. I want to thank these folks for being here. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be Nick Offerman and megan mullally, aaron taylor johnson, and dave matthews. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, eva longoria, sam richardson, and paul feig. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show