Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20170506

Uh, its hard to tell, mr. Vice president. Would it rather watch football or Gilmore Girls . Cant really tell. This alien, if it was going to a party, would it take a long time to get ready . Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes richard gere. Maria bamford. And musical guest perfume genius. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. cheers and applause whats going on . Jon yeah stephen welcome to the late show. Audience i love you, Stephen Stephen i love you, too. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause very nice. Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody. First of all, happy friday. Thats always a good feeling. cheers and applause and happy Cinco De Mayo cheers and applause as traditional, the white house threw a party this year hosted by Vice President and man who thinks toothpaste is too spicy, mike pence. laughter heres the thing, heres the thing they actually threw the party yesterday. Which isnt Cinco De Mayo. Its actually cuatro de mayo. So for once, mike pence was a day ahead instead of about a hundred years behind. cheers and applause and while the party is usually a big deal, this years fiesta had a reduced guest list. Which makes sense. Trump has been very open about trying to reduce our countrys mexican guest list. laughter also, the event wasnt actually at the white house. They held it in the nearby eisenhower buildings indian treaty room. Free Party Planning advice if youre celebrating another culture, maybe dont remind them what happened to the last ethnic group we threw a party for. laughter applause . Jon oh. Its history. Its history. Stephen and this is the first time in 16 years that the Cinco De Mayo party wasnt hosted by the president himself. Though he did send along a cake hasta la vista, bad hombres as im sure you heard yesterday, the house passed trumpcare by a margin of one vote, and for once, the people with more votes won. The republicans celebrated all night last night with a big party, big party, where, apparently, cases upon cases of beer were rolled into capital. But today, the partys over. And republicans are dealing with the fallout of what they did. I believe we have some footage. They thought they passed the health care bill. Wooo road trip but theyre about to find out, repealing and replacing obamacare isnt so easy. Kevin mccarthy. Oh, my god paul ryan. And donald trump. In the healthcare hangover. Hopefully, not coming this summer. cheers and applause stephen, of course, that youre a good man. , of course, we kid. We kid. That footage is from the hangover, which is also about a group of white men who have no idea how to care for babies. Now, even though the polls arent out yet, everyone is saying that this bill is likely to be unpopular. Coincidentally, likely to be unpopular was also what sean spicer was voted in high school. laughter and i get, i totally get why people are upset. Heres the deal the new bill allows insurers to charge older customers five times as much as younger ones. And it repeals the employer mandate which requires Larger Companies to provide affordable insurance to their employees. But dont worry about it. No, no, no, do not worry about that broken arm. You can fix it with a cast made out of stolen pens from the supply closet. The plan always allows states to opt out of covering preexisting conditions, which also allows voters to opt out of the Republican Party in 2018 because. cheers and applause because today the nonpartisan Cook Political Report moved 20 house seats in the dems favor. cheers and applause yeah. Man, i feel i feel i feel sorry for the republicans. They might be out of a job soon. Then theyll never get health care. laughter but at least we know the republicans risked their careers for a bill that im sure they fully understood. Did you actually sit down and read the entire bill plus all of the amendments . I will fully admit, wolf, i did not, but i can also assure you, my staff did. Have you read the whole bill . Oh, gosh. Lets put it this way people in my office have read all the parts of the bill. Stephen oh, gosh, gee wil cers. There are people in the office who read parts of the bill. Susan handled the nouns. Alan took the verbs, devon managed all the prepositions. Barbara says the bill is great but that might be because she was in charge of the adjectives. Uhhuh. So. cheers and applause she also said it was slippery and furry and hasty. Of course, even though its not popular, it was a big victory for the president. And after it passed, President Trump went to new york to meet the australian Prime Minister and praise crecialg republicans. The republicans are very united. You see that today. The republicans came together all of a sudden, two days ago, and it was like magic. Stephen magic, by thet aot t option for medical care. I will now pull your appendix out of this hat. laughter now, quick reminder for everybody out there who doesnt remember australia has universal, governmentrun health care. So it created a bit of a stir when the president said this its going to be fantastic here. Right now, obamacare is failing. We have a Failing Health care i shouldnt say this to our agreement gentleman and my friend from australia because you have Better Health care than we do. Stephen i love it. Its tremendous. Theyve got co koala nurses. Instead of an ambulance, you hop into a kangaroos pouch, off to the hospital. Hoppityyhoppitiy. Choppityychoppity applause toilets go the other way. Its magical. laughter after the surgery, bloomin onion. Its fantastic. Thats not a scalpel, this is a scalpel. You know who else was watch, democratic senator and every member of steely dan combined. cheers and applause Bernie Sanders. And senator sanders had this response. You have Better Health care than we do. I thought you would okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, chris. All right, the president has just said it. Thats great. Stephen wow. I havent seen Bernie Sanders laugh that hard since his days on the muppet show. cheers and applause we miss you, waldorf. Of course, trumps heard the criticisms, and he defended the plan on twitter by saying its not really the plan. Big win in the house. Very exciting. But when everything comes together with the inclusion of phase 2, we will have truly great health care. Oh, great, phase 2. laughter what is that . What is phase 2 . Theres nothing ominous about saying to a patient, weve reviewed your medical profile, mr. Jones. And youre ready for phase 2. Please put on the healing mask and step into the health booth. Now, good, yes, ill just push this red button to initiate. Phase 3 cheers and applause lost in the shuffle of the trumpcare vote yesterday was a major announcement by donald himself. I am proud to make a major and historic announcement this morning, and to share with you that my first foreign trip as president of the united states. To saudi arabia, and then rome. Stephen its truly a historic trip since none of those places is maralago. And by making saudi arabia and israel his first stops, trump is clearly focusing on conflicts in the middle east, something he discussed with Palestinian Authority president , mahmoud abbas. Its a great honor to have president abbas with us. Well be having lunch together. We will be discussing details about what has proven to be a very difficult situation between israel and the palestinians, and lets see if we can find a solution. Its something that is maybe not as difficult as people thought over the years. Stephen yeah, middle east peace, not that difficult. Im sure they have plenty of ideas. Have they tried building a wall . They have, okay, im out of ideas. Its hopeless. Not that hard. Not that hard. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Richard gere is here. When we return, we will run off and join the circus. Stick around. applause does your makeup remover every kissproof,ff . Cryproof, stayproof look . Neutrogena® makeup remover does. It erases 99 of your most stubborn makeup with one towelette. Need any more f neutrogena. With motionsense technology. Degree has redefined deodorant so that i can redefine. Power. Footwork. Range. The more i move, the more it works. Degree. It wont let you down. Reported side effects include vomiting and itching. Nexgard. The vets 1 choice. applause stephen thank you, jon that was lovely. Absolutely beautiful. Listen, folks, for those who dont know, please join us next tuesday because were going to have an amazing show. In the same show were having all my old buddies from the old haunt. Jon stewart, john oliver, samantha bee, and rob corddry, all together. Its going to be extraordinary. You know, jon, we had the gorillazs on last week. Jon youre tight. Stephen listen, i got pretty excited. They were shooting a little documentary here about their appearance on the show. They did extra songs that we didnt broadcast that night. You can get those on our website colbertlateshow. Com. And im with the band doing feel good inc. Its a fun job. Now, one of the interesting things about this theater is underneath the stage there are things called elephant columns. When ringling would come to town, ed sullivan used to have elephants, and they needed extra support. Now, the thing is, ringling doesnt have elephants anymore, and soon we wont have ringling, because on may 21 of this year, its officially shutting down after 146 years, which makes it the second longestrunning show in history, right after jersey boys. They played at linkops second inaugural. laughter but before they went out of business, there was something i wanted from them. Jim . After 146 years of entertainment, ringling brothers Barnum Bailey circus is folding up their tents. That means the latest show on earth tagline is up for grabs, and i have to have it. So i went to the circus to meantime the performers to find out just what makes them so great. Stephen im here with jonathan lee iverson, who is the ringmaster of the ringling brothers Barnum Bailey circus. What does a ring master do . Hes really a galorified fan who gets paid to dress well. Stephen really . Thats it. Stephen if i could borrow that outfit i would love to because im doing a musical about a psychedelic abraham lincoln. Do you sing in the circus . All the time. Stephen what do you want to sing . Whatever you want to hear and the rockets red glare the bombs bursting in air note stephen i know you have these little white because on your epaulet there. And ive got these on my shoulders what are those there for . Well, these are black tracks. Basicallying theyre computerized spotlights so wherever you move, theyll follow you. laughter what do i need to be the greatest show on earth . I would say some animal s. Stephen what kind of animals do you think i need . You name it lions, tyingers, prancing pig. What does a prancing pig do . Prance around. They slide down slides. Get up there get up there good boy good boy rosco good boy stephen and eventually, i assume, the slide is hooked right up to the lions mouth. No, we wouldnt do that. Stephen no . No . No. Stephen i want the title of greatest show on earth for the late show. I need to get advice from you on how to make the show as great as possible. First off, you need dogs. Stephen bye i know when im not wanted. cheers and applause do you train a dog and a pig differently . Pretty much the same. They all work for rewardbased treats. Stephen as do i. As do i. If i need a pig around the office you want to take him . Stephen well, i want to be the greatest show on earth. He could be your personal service animal. I could get one of those vests . Yes, and take him on the airplane. Stephen and they have to let me bring him into starbucks. I am the lion tiger trainer. Stephen how important is it to be handsome when youre working with lions and tigers. I dont think thats part of the job criteria but thanks for the compliment. Stephen youre very handsome man. Do you think you are handsome enough to train veloc raptors. Chest out. Ready . There you go. Perfect. Stand tall that didnt quite cut it, but whatever floats your boat. Stephen this is nice but then. I want the title of greatest show on earth. What are we looking at here . This is the aerial sphere. Stephen the aerial sneer. What does one do and how does one do it. I dont think i can do that. Dont open this ball for any reason. However i scream, however i cry, promise me you wont open this ball. Promise. Stephen open the ball let me out of the ball laughter stephen was this a Unicycle Team that learned how to play basketball or a Basketball Team that learned how to unicycle . Well, actually it was a way out of the neighborhood for us. In my neighborhood there was a guy named jerry king who actually taught his son how to ride a unicycle. And everyone in the neighborhood of the bronx learned how to ride it. It was just the way it helped us get out of new york. Stephen thats a classic story. Yes. Stephen people look at the unicycle and say, thats my ticket out of here. Yeah. cheers and applause stephen wooo i finally understood, in order to have the greatest show on the earth you need the greatest people on earth. So i decided to make some new additions to my staff. Its almost show time. Sabina, wheres my script . Here you go, steve glen thank you. Stephen shoot. I forgot to make copies. Got you, steve. Stephen thanks, man. I gotta get out of here. Im going to get a cup of coffee. Here, boy who wants a caramel machiado . Ultimate one . Youre going to get one. I love you. cheers and applause stephen thank you, ringling well be right back with richard gere. Aritas to avas rooftop and thats when we knew it was going to be one of those nights. Thats elyse busting out her dance move from summer of 08. she insists its her signature move, but were all pretty good at it. Yeah, looks like were staying here tonight. Limearita. Make it a margarita moment. Limearita. We, the device loving people want more than just unlimited data. We want unlimited entertainment. So we can stream unlimited action. Watch unlimited robots. Watch unlimited romance. If you are into that. But we also want more like. Unlimited hbo. Can i stop dying now mark . No cant do mi amigo. Its unlimited. Besides you are really good at it james. Dont settle for any unlimited data plan. Only the at t unlimited plus plan comes with hbo included at no extra charge. Of being there for my sons winning shot. That was it for me. Thats why im quitting with nicorette. Only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. It starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. Every great why needs a great how. Every great why [car engine failing to start] [wind blows] yo wh ah he [gas pouring] [slurps loudly] [engine starting] [loud slurping continues] ayou dont have to choose just one thing. Choose your trio with any 3 of 9 selections for 15. 99. Like new creamy lobster pasta toasted parmesan shrimp and southernstyle crab cakes. Come create your trio before it ends. Are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool . Try zyrtec® its starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody folks, my first guest has done everything from stephen welcome back, playing an escort in american gigolo, to saving one in pretty woman. Please welcome richard gere. applause cheers so nice do i get one of those . No . Stephen thats you. cheers and applause a lot of people here. Stephen there are a lot of people here. Wow. Look at everybody up there. cheers and applause stephen we told people and theyre so nice stephen they are lovely people. We told people that richard gear was going to be here tonight, and they said, can we come . I was watching the whole thing. When they came out before and ran around and got crazy and everyone was happy. Its so nice. Stephen theyre still happy. They have about another 45 minutes of happiness. applause . Stephen thanks for coming on. I know you dont do this that often. This is the first im ive ever done this . This is the first one . Stephen really . No. Stephen you dont do it a lot. No. Stephen i saw you do the hoax. You were great in the movie the hoax. Were out in new jersey. Stephen and i ran into you and was gushing at you no. Stephen i did. Oh, no, im talking about a different one. In the city. Stephen you did the hoax with marcia gay hardin and i came and gushed at you, and you said, i dont want to do your show. I still dont want to do the show. laughter but that happened to be a very good movie. Stephen that was an extremely good movie. Youre an extremely good actor. Thank you, thank you. Stephen but you have a long history that some people maybe dont know about, because you were in the london cast of greece danny zucco, which i bet a lot of those people dont know i know im going to get hurt here. Is this going to be painful for me. Stephen no, no, no, lock the doors. Lock the doors because we have acquired a clip. cheers and applause wait a minute, wait a minute. Stephen to prove it, to prove it. This was 45ish years ago. Stephen yes. And im scared to see what this is. laughter . Stephen youre gonna love it. laughter jim. Summer lovin. Summer lovin happened so fast. I met a girl crazy for me met a boy cute as can be summer days drifting away to the Summer Nights cheers and applause . This is this this was actually for lincolns second inaugural. This was. Stephen that was lincolns second nawleral . This was for the second inaugural. Stephen were there other americans in the show . No, i was the only one, and i had been doing it why are you taking me back this far . I was the i was doing it was one of the first things i did in new york. And i started out as an understudy, and i was covering five guys. And, you know, every night one of the guys didnt show up or there was a problem or something. And i was doing all the parts. And then when it came time to do it in london, they asked fiwould come and lead. And play danny, and i was the only one there. It was the first time i had been out of the country. It was a big deal. Stephen what was london like for you . How old were you at that point . 22. Stephen 22yearold guy in london uhave a job. What were you doing with your time . I laughter im thinking what can i actually tell here . The 22yearold guy. You know what i do remember, though, we were doing previews in cherchester before we came to the west end, and it was the first time i had any money, frankly. I had some per diem money, and the Triumph Motorcycle factory is in chichester and i went in with my per diem money, put it down, and drove out with a triumph 650. Audience yeah right there what did you have . What did you have . cheers and applause triumph people. Triumph. Stephen that leather jacket, that must have been a hot look too long around london. Do you have still have the bike . No, i totaled the bike, totalledly the bike. Stephen totaled the bike . Are you okay . On the west side highway. You know where it was all stone then. It was stephen it was all cobble stone and slate and there was no working lights at that point. This was before electricity, yeah. And it was raining and i slipped. I mean, youre a bike guy, right . Audience yeah they do a little drinking here, also. Stephen why dont you ask me if im a bike guy . Im right here. Im a bike guy. Youre not a bike guy thats a bike guy, come on stephen i had a minibike when i was a child, a 1. 5 horsepower minibike as a child. I was evel kneivel. And i had a gokart with the same engine. Stephen fantastic. You burned your leg on it all the time on the manifold. Im to the a biker . laughter what was your bike . What bike did you have . 250. Thats not a bike. A yamaha 250 . Thats not a bike stephen its a bike i im very happy for you, sir. laughter dont insult my audience. They were so happy moments ago. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. cheers and applause im sorry. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. cheers and applause i want everyone to feel good. Stephen i dont know why you dont do this more often. laughter . Because i dont get paid enough, thats why. Stephen ill sweeten the pot on the back end. Ill give you a little taste in the distribution. Well, there is something of a richard gerespp isancegoing on. You have two movies, norman, and the dinner. This weekend. Thats right. Stephen ill go see it. Im going to go see it. Its coming out this weekend. Stephen you play the fatherave teenaged son, and steve coogin he plays your brother. Yes. Stephen have two teenaged sons and i want to set up this clip. What you can tell us . How much you can give away here . Well, this is, its called the dinner. And the central theme of the movie is these two couples are meeting to have a dinner. And we dont really know why. And theyre kind of red herrings are put out about why were having this dinner. But in fact, our teenaged sonsz have done something horrific, and were gog have to talk about it. So i have kind of im a congressman, and i have decided that we need to talk about this tonight. So this is the beginning of it. Stephen jim . Brother. Worried about you there. Didnt, you were going to make it across the room. I have my posse here with me. Trained bodyguards. Stop smiling now, stan. Its just us. Give it a rest, will you . This is long overdue. What were you talking about . We werent we were just enjoying one of those awkward pauses, as they say. Not talking about anything. Not talking about anything. Well, were going to talk tonight. cheers and applause now i dont want anyone to think this is all sitting at a dinner table. Stephen its not all sitting at a dinner table . There are flashbacks and all kinds of things going on. But it kind of follows a meal, sitting down, the hors doeuvres come, the appetiters come, different courses, and within it theres an emotional movement of the narrative. Stephen will i be hungry by the time the movie is over. You will be extremely hungry. Stephen thank you so much for being here. Nice to see you again. Norman is out in theaters, and the dinner opens today. Richard gere, everybody do i have to . I dont want there to be white marks. Good bye beautiful dress i never got to wear. Nothing no dust, theres no marks. Its really dry what is this . Oh my god, its dove i knew it its a 48 hour antiperspirant. No white marks. On a 100 colors. I would absolutely use this. I think you converted me i recently discovered that a good source of protein. Thats why theyre my goto snack while i get back in shape. That ones broken. Someday youll let me put my way ycomb up there air til then youre beautiful and i just stare you never know whatll inspire you. The rhythm of the waves. The language, the laughter. Or the noise in the night. I take it all with me, and give it all back. Experience moe as a member. The marriott portfolo has 30 brands in over 110 countries so no matter where you go, you are here. Better than a manual, and my hygienist says it does. But. Theyre not all the same. Turns out, theyre really. Different. Who knew . I had no idea. So, she said look for. One thats shaped like a dental tool with a round. Brush head. Go pro with oralb. Oralbs rounded brush head surrounds each tooth to. Gently remove more plaque and. Oralb crossaction is clinically proven to. Remove more plaque than sonicare diamondclean. My mouth feels so clean. Ill only use an oralb the 1 brand used by dentists worldwide. Oralb. Brush like a pro. Everybody. Folks, youve seen my next guest on arrested development louie and her own show lady dynamite. Please welcome one of my favorite comedian favorite comedian favorite comedian s, maria bamford. Stephen how are you . Im very good, very good. As i was saying to the people here, you are one of my favorite comedians. No matter what mood im in i can listen to any one of your albums. Thats very kind. Stephen i just love i love i love how confessional your work is. I say too much. Stephen a little bit too much for some. Not for me. Bring it on. Thats right why not . Why not talk about it . Stephen you talk about your parents a lot. How are your mom and dad . Theyre very good. I read in the New York Times that you can ask 36 questions to get somebody to fall in love with you. And i thought, why not ask my parents some of these questions . Sometimes theyre on the fence. laughter and i asked my father, i said one of the questions was, what person living or dead would you want to have dinner with . And he said clearing close what . She was a very sixy lady from history. Who did you say . Dad, i said you. I asked my mom who she would want to have dinner with. And she said john f. Kennedy. And she loves you, stephen. Oh, stephen. I love you so much. My mom wanted me to tell you that. Stephen oh, thats nice. Hes like strawberry jam. laughter applause stephen noe red, lumpy . No, delicious stephen youre married almost two years now. Congratulations on that. Thank you. Stephen last time you were here. You were fairly new to marriage. Yeah stephen got one. Do you enjoy it . I love being married. Im 24 years married now. And its same lady. laughter are you are you digging it . In a row. Yes. I its delightful. It is i didnt know i generally am not very good at relationships. I have a hard time. I just needed to find a way to show people how much i love them, despite all my words and action. laughter and my husband got together stephen his name is. Scott cassidy. And hes a painter. Hello, booboo. One thing i learned about love is something they tell you i didnt realize sometimes when you love somebody you might be irritated by them. And i read in some of my selfhelp literature that what you do is you embrace it, embrace that which disgusts you. laughter and my husband does a repetitive singing thing. Where he changes every song to the words turkey leg, chicken leg. laughter . Stephen any song . Any song. Turk on the chick leg turk, turk, chick. Turk, tirk chick leg turk, turk, chick leg stephen smoke on the water,. I hope that doesnt cost you anything. Stephen well figure it out so how do you embrace that . Then i i just start doing the same thing. And now i do it so much more than he does, he has to say, stop. Come on. So and it started to i really enjoy doing it. It is fun to stephen youre challenging him now . He has to embrace your embrace of him . I hope i think it does like seeing why someone enjoys something and say, what if i i could enjoy it rather than be afraid of it. Stephen youre going into the Second Season of lady dynamite right . Yes. Stephen congratulations on that. Thank you. Stephen we were talking with richard gear earlier that he was danny zucco. Do you remember an early job in show business jiefs a star trek character in a touring show where we mostly did mall openings in the south. laughter i said things like,greetings. Im from the planet bajor. Get the f away from me. All right, all right. Stephen youve got a new netflix special called old baby. Yes. Stephen where did the title come from . I was mistakenly asked to speak to some high school students. None of us knew why i was there. It was very confusing. Stephen like, please come in and speak to them . Is it. Yes. And thats exactly what i thought that they might be thinking is, oh, shes like shes old, but then shes, like, got a baby voice. Hes like an old baby, and shes all shaky. How could she even have a job . laughter fair point. Stephen uhhuh. Fair point. No, it was a very very odd. It was for career day. I was like, i dont know if i have if you want to take one of my head shots from 1999 and toss those out as you leave the room. I hope that no, i felt bad about trying to teach the kids kids are so smart themselves. They theyll figure it out, right . Louvre laugh. Stephen well, ive never done a comedy special. Like, how do you how do you prepare for it . Ob, you go to clubs, but before you even go to the clubs, where do you test out your material . What are your guinea pigs . Well, i rehearse it, of course, to all my loved ones, until they grow tired of it. And then i begin paying them. laughter and then then i started to twitter just out to people, hey, if youre free from 4 00 p. M. To 5 00 p. M. , and you can go to this coffee shop i wouldnt say the coffee shop. I would contact them later on twitter. And ill perform my hour for you and just for you. Stephen just random people on twitter im going to do my special . I would research them. I would go through their twitter feed and go, whats gog . So i got to check out my audience, prescreen the audience. Stephen oh, wow. We should try that here. laughter applause well, maria, it was lovely to see you. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. Stephen marias comedy special old baby is on netflix. Maria bamford, everybody. Well be back with a performance by perfume genius. Stick around. Some Companies Just dont appreciate the power of conversation you know, i like you i like you too at discover, we treat you like youd treat you. Get the it card and talk to a real person. Latches onto youry finger so hard, its like shes saying i love you. Thats why aveenos oat formula is designed for your babys sensitive skin. Aveeno®. Naturally beautiful babies. My belly pain i could build a small city with all the overthecounter products ive used. Enough ive tried enough laxatives to cover the eastern seaboard. Ive climbed a Mount Everest of fiber. Probiotics . Enough avo if youve had enough, tell your doctor what youve tried and how long youve been at it. Linzess works differently from laxatives. Linzess treats adults with ibs with constipation or chronic constipation. It can help relieve your belly pain, and lets you have more frequent and complete bowel movements that are easier to pass. Do not give linzess to children less than six, and it should not be given to children six to less than eighteen. It may harm them. Dont take linzess if you have a bowel blockage. Get immediate help if you develop unusual or severe stomach pain, especially with bloody or black stools. The most common side effect is diarrhea, sometimes severe. If its severe stop taking linzess and call your doctor right away. Other side effects include gas, stomacharea pain and swelling. Talk to your doctor about managing your symptoms proactively with linzess. For all kinds of things. Like walking. Ewarded hey, honey. Dad, wheres the car . Thought wed walk. Hes counting steps. Walk, move and earn money. Goal dad. Hey, we wanna welcome everyone to the father daughter dance. Look at this dad, hes got some moves money you can use on outofpocket medical expenses. Hes ok, yeah unitedhealthcare with motionsense technology. Degree has redefined deodorant so that i can redefine. Power. Footwork. Range. The more i move, the more it works. Degree. It wont let you down. Oh, its actually. Sfx short balloon squeal its ver. Sfx balloon squeals ok can we. Sfx balloon squeals goodbye oof, that milk in your coffee was messing with you, wasnt it . Try lactaid, its real milk, without that annoying lactose. Good right . Yeah. Lactaid. The milk that doesnt mess with you. ,, happiness is powerful flea and tick protection from nexgard. Nexgard kills fleas and ticks all month long. And it comes in an easytogive tasty chew. And that makes dogs and owners happy. No wonder vets love it too. Reported side effects include vomiting, itching, diarrhea, lethargy and lack of appetite. See your vet for more information on flea and tick protection you and your dog will love. Nexgard. The vets 1 choice. Slip away please welcome perfume genius. cheers and applause dont hold back, i want to break free cause its singing through your body and im carried by the sound every jump, every single beat they were born from your body and im carried by the sound oh, ooh love theyll never break the shape we take oh, ooh baby let all them voices slip away dont look back, i want to break free if youll never see em coming youll never have to hide take my hand, take my everything if we only got a moment give it to me now oh, ooh love theyll never break the shape we take oh, ooh baby let all them voices slip away no caressing, no caressing no caressing, no caressing no caressing, no caressing no caressing, no caressing, no oh, ooh love theyll never break the shape we take oh, ooh, no love theyll never break the shape we take oh, ooh, love love theyll never break the shape we take oh, ooh baby let all them voices slip away cheers and applause stephen that was beautiful. Thank you. Show shape is out today. Perfume genius, everybody. Well be right back. applause ,,,, come on. You can do it dogs just wont quit. Neither does frontline. Thats why theres frontline gold. With its easy applicator frontline gold delivers powerful protection that doesnt quit for a full 30 days. Its triple action formula is relentless at killing fleas and ticks. Frontline gold. The latest innovation from the maker of frontline plus. For persistent protection you can trust. Good boy go for the gold. Frontline gold. Available at your vet. cheers and applause . Stephen thats if for the late show, everybody. Join me next week when my guests include tracy morgan, rami malek, and tuesday when ill be joined by jon stewart, john oliver, sam bee, ed helms, and rob corddry. Now stick around for james corden. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org get low by lil jon thats right, we got some basketball up in here n. C. A. , doublea, toss it to me, toss it to me free throws, free throws, free throws to the basket to the ball to the sweat drop down chs