What if we discover a new disease . What will they call it . Phils disease . laughter that just sounds stupid. . Its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen welcomes dr. Phil alan cumming musical guest hamilton leithauser and featuring jon batiste and stay human. Now at the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing stephen captioning sponsored by cbs hey thank you so much hey hey, tom, mark up there, down there, everybody at home, mr. And mrs. America, all of you, thank you for being here welcome cheers and applause thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Welcome. Welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. As most people probably know im not telling any tales out of school here all famous people my heart goes out to my best friend i havent met yet, drake, who and this is scary this week had his tour bus robbed of 3 million in jewelry. 3 million in jewelry ive never thought to ask this before, but, drake, are you a pirate . laughter okay, now, i feel bad for drake, but he really should have seen this one coming, especially p. S. A. About the hot line you call if someone takes your blame. laughter ive never listened to the lyrics before. Any College Students here tonight . cheering well, got some bad news for some of you, because this week, i. T. T. Tech shut down all its schools. Yeah, yeah, i know. I did not see this coming. I mean, were talking about t. Stands for International Telephone and telegraph. Who could have predicted they would go out of business . I should have seen this coming because i. T. T. Have been plagued with problems, fraud charges from the securities and exchange commission, investigated by 19 states attorneys generally and under investigation since 2002. Lawyer you know one, who didnt go to i. T. T. Tech. This is a serious blow to american education. Think about this, without i. T. T. Tech, where will people go to learn about engineering, telecommunications, systems administration, hvac, nursing, dogs, sitting on the dock of the bay, ghost busting and of course job title applause now, i want to warn everybody out there, especially if there are any delicate people out there, the following story does contain adult content, so, parents, might want to send your kids to bed where they can watch this on their laptops. Heres what happened. The Italian Supreme Court just not a crime even if done so within clear view of the public. Following precedent of people of new york versus the a train. The ruling take the express. laughter this ruling comes after a 69yearold man was convicted after he was seen taking out his penis and practicing auto erot simple in front of a universi when confronted, he smiled and told Campus Security he was working on his major. Thanks, could have been his minor. I dont know, i havent seen any photos. Thanks to this ruling, a visit to italy is more exciting than ever. Check out the new tourism promo. Ah, italia birthplace of one of the worlds richest food cultures, home to some of the worlds greatest treasures of art and most beautiful scenery on earth, the perfect setting for spanking it. Why not start in rome . Vatican city is t Perfect Place to polish your bishop. Visit the sistine chapel, marveling at michelangelos master work while rubing one out is an experience of a lifetime. Please, no flash photography. Enjoy all italys famous th a wain than a bracing session of self abuse. The food, wine, scenery, the culture, the people and the authorities who will turn a blind eye to your vigorous public masturbating. Italy, come today and every day. cheers and applause stephen hey, did you guys see this . The workers who make marshmallow audience reacts oh, yeah, shocking who knew someone actually made marshmallow peeps. In Catholic School we were taught they hatch from cadbury cream eggs. The company who make the peeps which is named just born, which really makes you think marshmallow placentia, warns that the strike raises concerns about no its not easter without peeps they represent jesus miracle of rolling a marshmallow in sugar and declaring, behold does that look like anything . laughter tell you what, i think theyre bearing the league because if you look at the article theyre saying easter peeps are made in september . That just reinforcing my theory that the real penalties recipe laughter still delicious, though. Heres a story that pushes a few of my buttons. I dont know if ive eer talked about this, but im terrified of being stuck on an elevator or even escalator. What if it stops while im on it . I have two options, starve to death or walk. So i was interested in this story i just heard. A woman recently tweeted she was stuck in an am track elevator, are sorry to hear that, are you still in the elevator . Not exactly what they intended to do, send her a food and water emoji . Clearly they cared. Thats nice. One other thing amtrak tweeted that at 7 48 a. M. On september 7th, while the womans original tweet was from 6 07 a. M. On laughter thats right. Jon man, theyre running a little mind on that one, pops stephen seven months later. Hey, at least theyre consistent. Their social media runs just as late as their trains. Say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody band playing cheers and applause stephen thats nice. Happy monday, jon. Hey, yeah, its monday. Stephen did you have a good weekend. . Blue monday . Jon yeah, i had a good weekend. applause as you know, im a staunch catholic. But ever since i started this show, i often miss church because im so busy, instead of missing church because i dont want to go. And what i miss most about church is confession. Getting in that booth is a very special kind of intimate and personal act of faith that i now prefer doing on national television. So, i was wondering if i could examine my conscience with you, the audience. You wont tell anybody right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. applause laughter standard disclaimer im not sure if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. organ music forgive me, audience. I like to lie down while watching tv, so i can use my bellybutton to hold dip. Sometimes, audience, i feel bad about theact i havent finished a book in 20 years. Dont tell me how the bible ends. I think jesus is going to pull this one out. Audience, i think mouthwash is as good as toothpaste. And i think mint chocolate chip ice cream is as good as mouthwash. I dont know how to tell if an avocado is ripe. I just squeeze three and then buy the second one. Whenever i see a bowl of m ms at a party, i always toss a couple skittles in just to freak people out. I actually enjoy nightmares about being naked in the middle of a High School Test because, back then, i was in a lot better shape. I tell people i know how to play the banjo, but i dont. I even wrote a song about it. Doo doo doo, banjo, banjo bob. cheers and applause i didnt really write that. One of my writers did. In high school, i used to cheat by writing things on my hand. But i havent done that in like. 35 years. I gave my kids a quarter every time they lost a baby tooth, but i was selling them for way more than that. Forgive me, audience. Audience we forgive you stephen thanks. cheers and applause well be right back with cheers and applause band playing . . . 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When you ache and havent youre not you. We give you a better night. Youre a better you all day. Tylenol . Hahaha umhmmm hey nikki what are you doing here . You tell me, stephen. What . Im snapping. Youve been streaming my videos all morning. Now youre with this thing . No its not you its verizon they limit my data. I had to choose. Come on, girl. Lets get us a man with unlimited data. Introducing tmobi one. One price. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, cheers and applause thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen incredible ive got to tell you, jon, i dont know if youve noticed it yet, but tonights audience has been incredible, also. Jon yes, it has cheers and applause stephen its been a great show, so far. Lets keep it going, shall we, ladies and gentlemen . All right, happy monday. My first guest tonight is the off its 15th season today. Please welcome, dr. Phil band playing cheers and applause . Doctor, give me the news . . I got a bad case of lovin you . cheers and applause all right s again. Man, what an audience you have here stephen arent they wonderful . cheers and applause not every guest gets a standing ovation. Standing ovation for dr. Phil. I met them on the sidewalk and gave them all a dollar. Stephen thats how you do it. Thats how you have 15 seasons. Congratulations. Well, thank you. And congratulations on all your stephen okay. 15 years of doing this. After all that tame, do you have more or less faith in people . Like, how messed up are we as a nation, dr. Phil . Well, i have plenty to do, ill put it that way. Stephen your job is secure . I dont think im running out of topics. You know, there is so much stress and things are so fastpaced. Think about it im older than you, of course stephen yeah. laughter when i grew up, there were three Television Channels and you watched gun smoke with matt dillon and kitty and he never kissed her. You watch the lucy show, they slept in twin beds and they were in snow suits when they went to bed. Thats what we grew up with. Stephen are you saying thats better . Well, no, but im saying now stephen you know how babies are made, dr. Phil . Eventually its got to happen. Apparent lay, they thought america didnt. But by the time theyre ten and twelve years old, theres 500 channels, people getting their heads blown off, sex, murder stephen and thats just game of thrones. Right. applause theyre getting bombarded. Kids are so sophisticated before theyre emotionally handle it, and its a different world. Stephen youre picturing the 1950s and 1960s, but kids used to change bobbins at the factory. They used to grow up real fas they were working on a farm and getting their arm torn off with a thresher before they were six years old, thats another past that was simple. But everybody didnt know about it. Stephen as long as its fine. Exactly laughter stephen you either want to be right or happy. I always want to be happy. Stephen okay. So i guess the question i want to ask you is we didnt know about that stuff, people grow up too fast, and you want to be happy. So is it better to know or not to know . Please support your answer. laughter well, i just had my 40t 40th anniversary. I have been married for 40 years. Stephen cotu so many years ago, i gave up on wanting to be right, and i decided i wanted to be happy. And if you want to be happy, then you will stay married for 40 years, you dont want to be a right fighter. Thats all im saying. Youre willing to apologize and say im wrong, is what youre saying. Yes, it doesnt even matter if you know what youre talking about. Stephen do you have that im sorry, i was wrong. laughter when a woman says what, it isnt that she didnt hear you, shes giving you a chance to change what you said. laughter and you decide whether you want to be right or happy. Change what you said if you want to be happy. Stephen apologizing is great thing. I happen to be right most to have the ti married . Stephen 23 years. Congratulations. cheers and applause stephen at the end of every show, you go out there, your wife is there, you give her a kiss, you hold hands and walk off in the sunset. Right. Stephen how honest is she with you . Does she ever lean over and go, that sucked. laughter most of the time im sure its great but im sure sometimes its, like, boy, you shanked shes brutally honest. Sometimes, its, like, lets get the bleep out of here. laughter applause stephen because youre one step ahead of the law or what . Because i didnt do a good job, it was boring or she didnt like what was going on. She is brutally honest. Look, i moved to hollywood from the real world, and i see all these people out there with these stars got all these sycophants around them telling them what they want to hear, oh, sicksycophants i cant find a yes man. Everyone argues with me all day. My staff all tell me what to do. I have 300 bosses on my show. Stephen do you ever look at your show at the end of the day and think, man, i sharvegd sharvegd shanked that one, i wish i could go back and give im usually not sorry for something i said. Im usually sorry for something i should have said that i didnt. The other day i was talking th this belligerent teenager stephen is there another kind . applause she was talking about somebody and she said, oh, theyre just retarded. Her mother said something and it went on. I let that go by without saying, that is disrespectful, a demeaning term, you should not say that. applause and i not call her out on that. When i got through with the show, i went, oh, man, i should not have let her get away with that. So sometimes i look back and say, you know, i dropped the ball on that, i should have said something i didnt say. Stephen um, all right. laughter i think youre pretty hard on yourself. Yeah. Stephen tell you what, why dont you think about what else youve done wrong. Well take a commercial and when some other sins. Im going to be very thoughtful about that. Stephen well be right back with more dr. Phil. band playing cheers and applause pancakes and now were introducing free pancakes for kids. Whos crazy idea was this . Well, were pretty sure we know who. For a limited time, kids get our new pancakes in any of these flavors, free. foot steps . crickets chirping . . heart beat . water splashing rain drops engine revving tires on wet road are you frustrated with how clear windex makes your windows . Introducing. Schmindex look windex makes glass too spotless and too dangerous. But shmindex makes it dirty shmindex. Order yours today whatcha got there . New cheezit sandwich crackers made with real cheese ummmm. Sammiches sandwich with a d h sammich see ahahaha we take time for our cheese to mature, in our new cheezit sandwich crackers. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody were back here with the famous and popular dr. Phil. Now, today, monday, beginning of your 15th season, and you were starting off threepart series. Stephen threepart series revisiting the tragic case of jean benet ramsey. This is the 20t 20th anniversary since the child was tragically murdered in her home and in the last 20 years, we call ate cold case, but its never gotten cold. The internet has been abuzz with the in, and people have never let this go. There was one person known to be in that house the night of that murder that, in 20 years, has never spoken. Thats the missing link, and thats the brother, burke ramsey, and he has never spoken if 20 years until in 20 years until now, and im interviewing him on the show that was on today, on tomorrow and next monday. Its the first time hes spoken in 20 years, and ther three tapes of him, two interrogation tapes and one with a psychologist at the time, and those tapes disappeared as well and have been missing for the last 18, 20 years, and we also have those tapes and were going to look at those tapes with him, watching him watch himself at the timeis little sister was murdered and were going to talk about what happened. Stephen after 20 years, i no. She was murdered in her home. They found her the morning after christmas, and there was a three and a half page ransom note left on the stairs but she was in the house. They found her in the house the next morning. She was found by her father, ransom note, yet they didnt take the child. The f. B. I. Said its the longest ransom note was written on stationary that was in the house before, they didnt bring it with them. Stephen you worked in the court system for many years helping people put together juris. I did. Stephen do you have faith in our criminal Justice System or do you feel it will be manipulated to bring justice . I think the collective i. Q. Of any jury is at least 1200, and i think they tend to get it to help people tell the truth effectively. Theres a big difference between telling the truth and telling the truth effectively. Stephen telling the truth effectively is telling a story . Well, yeah. Stephen telling the truth is merely factual. Telling the truth effectively is creating a narrative or the audience being the jury will come along with. Youve got to know whos on your jury, how they listen, what matters to them, you have to understand what their values are and you have to frame yr and relate to, and thats what i did. Im not a lawyer, i dont mean to brag, but im not. Im not a lawyer. laughter i worked on the psychological aspects of the story, getting it across. Stephen if you were helping someone put together a jury for something tragic like the Jonbenet Ramsey case, who would you say they should have on the jury . You have to understand whos enough anymore. Stephen what does that mean . Because that sounds super cool and folksy with a southern accent, but you can make anything i would believe anything you say because of the mustache and the southern accent, i gotta tell ya. laughter thats good to know. Stephen in case you want to sell me any real estate . Yeah, yeah. No, listen, think about this, ive spent my whole life figuring out why people do what they do and dont do what they dont do. Why people do what they do and dont do what they dont do, you have a huge leg up in life. For example, when like at a jury, i dont care where they work, i dont care what church they go to. I want to know what their core values are. There are certain core values that if people embrace that and you know that about them, you can know how to try your case. Core value, you dont reward bad i dont care if youre talking about the biggest corporatn in the world or a twoyearold throwing a tantrum in the aisle at the grocery store, you dont reward bad behavior, right . Is that a core value . It is a core value, but it can be appeali