Transcripts For KNTV Great News 20170524

No, carol. Get out. Greg, would i be able to leave early for a commercial shoot . Im the spokeswoman for pubeisse, americas number one leading pube lengthener. No, portia. Gram looked at your contract. Youre only allowed to endorse products owned by our parent company. You know what . Im sick of grams rules. Me too. She said i cant wear hoodies anymore. This blazers so hard and crunchy against my skin. And she made me tuck my braid into my shirt cause she said it was gross and a ladybug flew out of it. Yeah, grams always like. [in grams voice] i cannot tolerate your kind. Both what . Say what . [in normal voice] oh, no, no, not jewish people, master impressionists. Oh. [in chucks voice] im chuck. Wheres my pudding cup . [applause] well done. Nice. Well, as usual, im the real victim here. Grams idea for the yellow Digital Suite is ruining my life now lets see what you, the viewer, had to say about the new epa regulations. All right, twitter user funnydude49 says, chuck pierce looks like fred savage from the future came back to warn presentday fred savage that when hes old, hell be a meth addict. [downtempo news music] well, if you dont like the new way our show is run, then youre all very welcome to leave. Ill never leave. How did you get back in here . Scram okay. [upbeat news broadcast music] you need to take a firmer hand with your staff. Gram, morale is already low. Worse than when we had our staff retreat at that sewage plant. Well, i suppose you told them morale would be even lower if they lost their jobs . No . Oh. [clicking tongue] could you please not make that sound . Ill make whatever sound i please. [clicking tongue] [dramatic quirky music] hey, chuck. What you doing . Oh, gram says i need to start tweeting. I remember when news was just a man and a camera, reporting in the sunset. Now its just an emoji of a man and a camera and a sunset. Hey, is that anything . Should i tweet that . Absolutely not. Chuck, i need your advice about katie. Ever since she got fired, it seems like shes lost her mojo. Lost her mojo, huh . Listen, theres a very athletic pool boy in montego bay, his name is devar. For 2,000, he can no, i mean she doesnt want to be a journalist anymore. Oh, carol. Every great journalist has a moment in his career when he wants to quit. For me, it was the day that i misreported that john kerrys running mate was the john edwards who talks to ghosts. Okay, okay. But what do i do . The only thing you can do, carol. Show her some tough love. Oh, chuck, katies my baby. I could never be tough on her. Carol, you just have to. Oh. Thats what my mentor, morley safer, did to me. He drove me out to the desert. He said, you can either die out here or come back a journalist. And i did both. [rousing sting] so hows the job hunt going . Mm. Its really great. Actually, i just applied for a job as a news manager. Wonderful. What network . Oh. Im sorry. Thats confusing. I meant gnus. Gnus. The jobs cleaning their cages at the zoo. I already heard back, though. I didnt get it. Okay, listen up. I know youre my baby, but i am done being soft on you. You need to i need to what, mommy . [dainty music] youyou need to try more work. But i got fired. Oh. I dont know what to do. Maybe ill become a bwand ambassador for a vodka company. Oh, katie, forget it, forget it. You dont need to change anything about yourself. Youre perfect. Mommys gonna take care of you for the rest of your life. Oh, mom, that is such a relief cause, you know, i cant pay rent without a job, but if youre willing to take care of me, then ill just move back in with you. Ooh, thats great. I havent touched your room since you left. And, hey, im no mooch, okay . Im gonna pay you guys rent in kisses. [smooching] [chuckles] [smooching] its what i always wanted. So why doesnt it feel like it . [somber quirky music] well, maybe katie moving back in means shes not a selfsufficient adult, which means we didnt do our job as her parents. kay, i was talking to myself, dave. Go rake. You got it, my love. Fromi wanted to seeved, this great country. My last wish is for you to do it for me, as a family. Love, grandpa. Let us be lovers, well marry our fortunes together older grandaughter itll be alright. I know. Grandson how did you meet grandpa . Grandmother actually on a blind date. [ laughter ] i wish he was on the trip with us. Hes sitting right between the boys in the back of the car. [ laughter ] america all come to look for america all come to look for america lifes as big as you make it. The allnew 7seater volkswagen atlas with americas best bumpertobumper limited warranty. When this guy got a flat tire in the middle of the night. Hold on dad. Liberty did what . Yeah, Liberty Mutual 24hour roadside assistance helped him to fix his flat so he could get home safely. My dad says our insurance doesnt have that. Dont worry i know what a lug wrench is, dad. Is this a lug wrench . Maybe . You can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you™. Liberty stands with you™. Liberty mutual insurance. Tired of paying hundreds more a year in taxes and fees for your unlimited plan . Only tmobile gives you unlimited data with taxes and fees included. Thatll save you hundreds. Get two lines for a hundred dollars. Thats right. Two lines of unlimited data. A hundred bucks. All in. And right now, were giving you even more. For a limited time, get a free Samsung Galaxy s8 when you buy one. Thats two galaxy s8s for the price one plus, two lines of unlimited data for a hundred bucks. Taxes and fees included. Only at tmobile. Dad hasnt gotten aroundol. To doing my laundry yet, [gasps] so i went into your closet. Zazzy, huh . Yeah, zazzy. Well, i got to go to work. Both bye, pumpkin. [pensive quirky music] [sighs] now, what to watch for the girl who has watched everything . Ugh, is that grams show . Yeah, ill hatewatch this. Ugh. [rousing theme music] this is pond scum. Congratulations, portia, gram has named you new spokeswoman for her line of fascinators. I dont want to do this, greg. It hurts my head, and the bird keeps being like. [trills] but really quiet so only i can hear it. [light indistinct chatter] see . Remember to feed your hat one worm a day. Goodbye. [groans] listen, greg. [exhales] what do you want . You need to give katie her job back. Im sorry, but whats done is done. You know what, mister man . I am sick and tired because i never sleep and i only eat casserole, but im also sick and tired of you. Youre making everyone miserable just so you can impress your grandma. Well, shame on you. [clicks tongue] please, do not make that noise. What noise . This noise . [clicking tongue] [wheezing] greg . [items clatter] greg, whats going on . Oh, my god, i knew it. Tough love kills children. You know, ang, thats the lady that fired me. Really . She fired you . You never mention it. Well, i think its a product people will really want. And since ive definitely got the money to invest, my offer to you, good sir, is 10 billion caviars. Well, wrong again, leach. One day, companies will know everything about a consumer. If you can hack into his desires, then you can rule the world. Ive invested a great deal of money into discovering peoples secret wants. And what they dont want is a megaphone that makes your voice into a fart. Well, im in, and i think. Oh, my god, ang, i got a hunch. Yeah, its from sitting on the sofa for too long. Dont worry; theres nothing you can do about it. [flatulence] [cell phone ringtone plays] booty, booty call booty, booty call hello . Mom . I finally figured out who owns biscuit blitz. Its gram. Wait, what . But it all makes sense now. Why did she mysteriously show up as soon as i started looking into that story . Oooh and why did she fire me as soon as i started getting too close . Ahh and why wouldnt she let me take home my bankers boxes after i had been fired . Ohhaahhhoohh hey, ive been trying to get in touch with greg. Is he at work with you . Well, hes with me, but not exactly at work. Whats going on . You have your dont tell dad i bought another haiti timeshare voice. [nervously] do i . Hey. Katie . I didnt think youd come, considering the last time we saw each other, youd just been fired and you said, i wish id eaten breakfast this morning so i can take a dump on your desk. I did say that. Id say it again. So how have you been . Ive been really really good. Uh, how are things with you . Amazing, im actually doing really, really, really well. He was crying and asked for gummy aspirin. Thank you, arnold. Hes got a brain thing. I screwed everything up. I did research. At the office and its. And found out that gram. Not the same without you. Owns a company that owns biscuit blitz. Wait, gram owns biscuit blitz . You screwed everyone at the office . Im sorry, i didnt hear what you said. You think my gram is an evil criminal mastermind whos scamming millions of consumers, and you expect me to believe you . I know. I know. And, no, i dont expect you to believe me, but well, i do. Shes the worst. Her own grandsons in hospital. She doesnt even come and visit. So what are you saying . Im saying im in. [sly music] lets take this bitch down. Oh no, looks like somebody needs a new network. When i got this unlimited plan they told me they were all the same. Theyre not. Verizon has the largest, mostreliable 4g lte network in america. Its basically made for places like this. Honey, what if it was just us out here . Right. So, i ordered you a car. Thank you. You dont want to be out here at night cause of the, uh, coyotes. Ok, thanks, bud. Bye. Be nice to have your car for some shelter. Bye. When it really, really matters, you need the best network and the best unlimited. Just 45 per line for four lines. You caught me working on my leather crafting. Carmax offers a 5day moneyback guarantee on all their cars. The guarantee is set in stone, but i also thought it might look good in leather. As all things do, including me. Its theat olive gardenver introducing new giant stuffed pastas starting at 12. 99. Pastas so big you could share them, but so delicious, you wont want to. Giant stuffed pastas. For a limited time at olive garden. We know you own biscuit bitch,. [suspenso take that, you blitz damn it, i practiced that 30 times. We have proof tying your company to the hacking scandal, gram, so you either come clean now or we expose it on the show tomorrow. I never heard such claptrap. And shame on you, gregorious, for allowing yourself to be seduced by a pretty face spewing lies. No, youre not gonna spin this and get us off track. Do you really think im pretty . Look, this isnt easy, you know . I dont want you and the rest of the family to hate me. Im sick of being alone on saint wiggins day, eating storebought crumb fairy, but what choice do i have . Oh, all right. Suppose i was responsible for this hack, what then . Do you two own a Cable News Network on which to expose me . Because i do. Do you really think that we havent thought about that . [chuckles] tell her, greg. Actually, we havent thought about that. Tomorrow, we will run my version of the story, that biscuit blitz did hack into peoples phones without my knowledge and i heroically put a stop to it. You have no proof that i orchestrated anything. And if anyone deviates from my story, i will make the call and shut down the show. You know, i wish id eaten dinner, cause i want to take a katie. No. Were done. [brooding music] honey . You okay . Not really. [soft laugh] you always sat out here when you were upset. Like the night your High School Boyfriend dumped you. I wonder what hes doing now. Bbillionaire. Well, mom, i failed again. Baby, you did not fail. I give up ima go to a bar, get dwunk. [dainty music] okay. You did not fail, but youre gonna. What, mommy . If you quit now, youre gonna regret it for the rest of your life. Look at yourself. Is this what you want to be . An unemployed 30yearold living with your parents . Well, tough noogies. Because im not babying you anymore. Your dog didnt leave for hollywood to work in the universal Studio Animal actors show. She died and none of your dolls went to the doll hospital. They all went in the garbage. Disposal oh. And that mark on your lower back, that wasnt a mole that we had removed. You were born with a okay, okay, okay youre right, mom. I cant give up. Tough love worked. Yeah. Oh, im gonna stop being so nice to dave. Okay, i got to get everyone together and come up with a plan. Ugh, but where . Its got to be someplace gram would never go, you know . Somewhere that would make her skin crawl. Somewhere that she would literally rather die than set foot in. Mm. You know what . You did not have to describe my house like that. I am very offended. Dave. Dave, go get the veggies. Okay, dear. Okay, guys, we have to get our story out before gram runs her version. Now, i know its a lot to ask. If we take down the woman who runs the network, we could potentially lose our jobs. But why did we become journalists if not to uncover the truth and use it to change the world . You know what . Im in. Really . Yeah. I hate gram and this crunchy suit. And because were journalists. No, just the suit. Im in too. Because of my speech . What speech . You know what . Im in too. Gram is mean af. Thats a twitter term which i can only assume stands for mean as frankenstein. There is another term, dtf dont touch frankenstein. To which i usually just reply, wtf wont touch frankenstein. Right, so were all in. Now, what is the plan . Yeah, how are we supposed to do a show exposing gram if shes watching the entire time . Because we will be doing two shows, one show for gram and one show for the rest of the world. [all exclaiming] ooh. I dont get it. Mom, i explained the whole thing to you before everyone came over. I know, but i was busy cleaning up. No ones ever seen my house before. I love it. Its so funny. Oh. Okay, so heres the plan. [dramatic electronic music] every day, at 3 00 p. M. , gram has a cup of tea in the break room. Oh, yeah, and then she takes her glasses off when she drinks it because it steams them up i do that too, but i drink coffee. Actually, i could go for a cup right now. Does anyone else want . Dave [affirmative chatter] okay, focus focus. Justin will create a complex diversion, distracting gram just long enough so that beth can gain access to her phone and swap out her glasses. I can type really fast because im currently in a sexting relationship with all of the pittsburgh steelers. Then greg will return the phone and replacement glasses. Why did greg twirl like that . Shh. When gram goes upstairs to use the nicer bathroom, mom will slow her down while i sneak into the building. Chuck and wayne and i just need to make it to the roof unnoticed. Thats where well be broadcasting the real show. Wait. My only job is to carry a box . Well, that stinks. Cant i, like, i dont know, climb an elevator shaft or something . No. And why are we doing a real show on the roof . What if it rains . It wont. It owes me one. Gram will never know that the show that she is watching from the control room is just for her and that chuck, whos blurry image she sees, thanks to her replacement glasses, is just a wax figure. [in chucks voice] good evening. Im chuck pierce. We begin tonights broadcast i dont get it. Can we say the whole thing over again . [all groaning] [tense quirky music] remember, one word offprompter, and i kill the show and my corgi. What . Why . [in chucks voice] good evening. We begin tonights broadcast with an update on the recent biscuit blitz hacking scandal and the brave ceo who put an end to it. Good evening. Tonights show will be a little different. Just a man and a camera and the truth. Whoa, is he hot . Smokin. We take a look at the recent hacking scandal and at the story that one ceo doesnt want you to hear. [in chucks voice] mildred marlock vows to find whoever was responsible, because it definitely wasnt her. Portia . Thanks, chuck. Coming up, a chicago homicide victim refuses to talk. What is she hiding . Stay with us. Well, you got your story. Are you happy now . No, im disappointed, the way you ambushed me yesterday. What kind of man tries to throw his own grandmother under the oh, what do you call that long, tall car for poor people, uh. Oh, anyway. Its a shame because this saint wiggins day, i was going to make crumb fairy from scratch. You could have been a part of that, but you had to ruin it. [clicks tongue] [dire music] what is wrong with you . The shows fake what are you talking about, you Little Turkey . Theyre broadcasting the real show from the roof im sorry, gram its straight talk. If you love your phone but hate your bill. Do something about it no, not that. Straight talk wireless lets you keep your phone, number and 4g lte network for a lot less, with the bring your own phone activation kit. Its time to ask yourself. Why havent i switched . Unlimited talk, text and data for fortyfive dollars a month, no contract. Straight talk wireless. Only at walmart. I wish you were here. I miss home. Tango for the guy who finds a way. Always unstoppable. Listen, sugar, were lettin you go. Its that splenda naturals gal, isnt it . Coffee look, shes sweet, shes got natural stevia, no bitter aftertaste, and zero calories. All the partners agree . Even iced tea . Especially iced tea. Goodbye, sugar. Hello, new splenda naturals. Goodbye, sugar. We land i love, the new lower prices. Less. Great styles. Lower prices. Whats not to love . Womens sandals starting at 14. 99. Kids starting at 9. 99. It feels good to payless. Everyday, millions of you walk through our front doors. And you inspired our new flavors. Introducing mcdonalds signature crafted recipes. Sweet barbecue bacon made with crispy onions. Pico guacamole made with real hass avocados. Maple bacon dijon with thickcut applewood smoked bacon. Purchase any signature crafted recipe sandwich and use the mcdonalds app to get a free medium fries and soft drink. You bring your flavor to the world. We bring ours to you. Bunny snacks in the house now i gotta cut loose, footloose introducing new blue bunny, bunny snacks. Perfect size ice cream treats with layers of cold crunchy creamy flavor in every bite. Everybody cuttin footloose theyre just the kind of snack the whole family will come running for. Theyre so cute when theyre small. Blue bunny. So hoppin good. Oh, what is wrong with these . Why is this in Airplane Mode . [dramatic music] shut down the show now. Go to bars and tone. Which is why we believe that this story may go right to the very top. Oh, crap. Both what . Sorry, guys, were off the air. Oh, come on. Thats right, you are. I didnt get to where i am by being an idiot. I got to where i am by being a genius and sleeping with a powerful, fat man. Do you think i would have orchestrated this hack if i thought it was ever going to be tied to me . It just did, though. Smile, gram. Youre on the breakdown. And now we are off the air. [camera beeps] for real. What the hell is going on . Well, when you congratulations, gram. You just incriminated yourself on live tv. Dude, why are you the one thats saying everything right now . I came up with the whole plan shh. I didnt have a panic attack, gram. I just needed to trick you into confessing on camera. But i called the network. No, you didnt. I reprogrammed the contact in your phone to beths number. Im surprised you didnt think it was weird when i said, okay, ill shut down the show, gram. I dont know your name. The bars and tone were a graphic, you crunchysuit loving bitch no, no, no. You should be ashamed of yourself. When i become a grandmother, im gonna be nothing like you. I mean if i become a grandmother. Seriously, mom . Right now, you want to talk about yes. Great. I refuse to stand here and be lectured by a woman who can only afford 3 4 of a pant. If its the last thing i do, i will get you, gene nonono, no, get me, get me get me. [scoffs] [somber victory music] way to go, gene well done, gene [applause] stop, stop it, stop. [upbeat music] hey, i just wanted to say bye cause we probably wont be coworkers anymore because we probably wont have a show anymore. Right. But well see each other, im sure. Yeah. And, hey, you know, if you need someone to spend saint wiggins day with, i can bake that crumb fairy dessert. Its actually a gelatinous savory dish. What . But thats lovely. Thank you. [inhales] well . kay. [soft chuckle] [soft quirky music] grams been suspended by the board of directors. The show might be okay. Were you guys about to kiss . No, its actually a british celebratory custom. Oh, cool. Ill try it. Yeah, of course. Okay. Ill take a kiss. If youre giving em out. Right. Okay. I love other cultures. Ill take one too. Excellent. You dont have to do this. I know. You did such a good job today. Well, i couldnt have done it without you, mom. Or gene. That guys the man. You know, ii know it took a lot for you to get tough with me, but im so happy that you did. Thanks, mom. Youre welcome, pumpkin. And thanks for finally seeing me as a gwownup. Im glad having your mom at the office hasnt ruined your life. I need a mom sometimes. We all do. [pleasant string music] night, kids. All good night, carol. [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause ] carson this is the night weve been waiting for welcome to our Season Finale tonight, we find out your winner im carson daly. His name is adam levine. Yes, you. Theres gwen stefani. How about alicia keys . Hes all right. Blake shelton. It is our biggest, most starstudded night yet