Transcripts For KNTV Great News 20170426

I forgot to give him dinner last night. And going to school. Yeah. Thats what i was supposed to do yesterday, damn it morning, everyone. Who has segment pitches . Oh, before we begin, id like to say a few words. Ooh, actually, interns arent allowed in this meeting. I just want to say how excited i am to be here. And i want to thank greg for hiring me, and, oh, portia for that great interaction on the elevator this morning. And thank you, carol, for your interesting take on the black lives matter movement. And my daughter katie, the love of my life. When she was born, i needed an episiotomy okay. Thats good, thats enough. Mom. Okay. Thank you. [scattered clapping] well, it seems we have a slow news day on our hands. Cnn is just playing death becomes her. Ooh, i have a pitch. Okay, you know the meme of kermit drinking root beer . Okay, well, you know the rapper plerp . [scoffs] whatever. Ill just riff on the housing crisis. Okay, gene, you can produce that. Produce what . Oh, the ap is reporting. Mom, can you not a black bear got loose in central park. Yeah, ill produce that. But it was quickly sedated and put back in its cage at the zoo. Sure, katie, its yours. No, thats okay, honey, cause it sounds dangerous. Are you sure you had your thyroid checked . Uh, the ins hired a new communications director. Katie should produce that. She has ibs not the diarrhea kind, the kind where you cant no, mohe said ins come on, mom. Karen, try to be professional. You cant talk to carol that way. What did i miss . Karen has ibs. Ido [upbeat news broadcast music] well, this is a total disaster. Its my mom, she just humiliated me in a meeting. She treats me like a baby still. Well, youre lucky. I had to grow up too fast. I managed a mcdonalds when i was ten. I dont know what i expected. Shes always been a helicopter parent. You should have seen the first time i tried to ride a bike. Oh, its okay, baby. That evil bike is never gonna hurt you again. Dave, smash it you got it, dear. [grunts] [both grunting] and, you know, to this day, i never learned how to ride a bike. You see . That theres the problem with helicopter parenting. You end up with emotionally stunted adult kids who cant do anything for themselves. No way, if i couldnt do anything for myself, id still be on my parents insurance. But i dont have any insurance. Unh. Oh. Come on, you cant even get around the city by yourself. You got lost on your way to my chilean dance recital. Yeah, thats why i missed that. Well, its okay. I have a video of it. [rhythmic clapping] thats great. I wish she would back off and just let me be an adult. Look, if you really want to be an adult, you have to set a boundary. How do you set a boundary with a woman who posts pictures of you in a bathroom stall with the caption, stronger than ibs soproud . Say youre her coworker now and you need to be treated that way. Just like i told my little brother at mcdonalds. Yeah. Youre right. Okay. Ill talk to her. Thanks, justin. Check this out. I do a cool flip. [chuckles] [rhythmic clapping] [cheers] thank you for coming by. Unfortunately, i have some rather difficult news. The geppetto who made you has passed away . Last night, for the first time ever, the chip and chet report beat us in the ratings. [gasps] oh, my god, i love those guys theyre coanchors, but theyre also best friends. And speaking of president francois hollande, chet and i took our wives on a cruise down the French Riviera last summer. A slide show of goofy photos from that trip after the break. Also ahead, the results of our viewer poll should we buy a dog together . I hope they say yes. Stay with us. [chuckles] yeah, that is a great tie. It is a great tie. We should switch ties after the break. The network believes the reason for our ratings slip is that viewers. Hate chuck. Hate portia. Both best of luck in your future endeavors. Feel that you two are not friends. Oh. Thats because were not. Once, we both crossed the street to avoid each other, and we ended up on the same side of the street. Look, the network is just asking if you could do a little friendly banter at the end of the show. Sounds neat. Thank you, greg. Wow, that is a massive relief. Thank you for ruining the show and dropping a steamer on my journalistic integrity news is not the place for small talk and personal opinions. Thats the problem with journalism today. Its more about the personality saying the news than the news itself a real newsman has no personality. Walter cronkite said one thing at the end of his show. And thats the way it is. Not, i feel meh today. Or, uh, mm, i like breakfast for dinner. I, for one, will not be betraying the news. [dramatic music] im not a Benedict Arnold like you yeah, Benedict Arnold was the only one who wasnt a traitor chuck does have a point. Except in the digital era, wellreasoned opinions are more valuable than the archaic model of socalled objective journalism. Also, whats a Walter Conkrite . [playfully tense music] uhoh. Mom. Mmhmm . We need to talk. Oh, god, youre pregnant. Its okay. Well pretend its mine, and tell him youre his sister. No, about you being here. If this is gonna work, you and i need to establish some boundaries. Well, sounds good. Tell me more. Your hand is up my shirt. Im just making sure youre not wearing an underwire bra. I read that they cause Breast Cancer wait, i dont read. You know what . It was a dream. [chuckles] oh, my okay, listen. When you and i are at the office, we are coworkers, okay . So before you do anything, just ask yourself, would i do this to another coworker . Thats not gonna help. I just rubbed icy hot on justins quads. Please, mom, ive worked so hard to be taken seriously here. I really need you to do this for me. Okay. I get it. You know what . From now on, im not gonna treat you like my daughter at work. No more meddling. I promise. Really . Really. Wendelson, your bear escaped again. Theyre evacuating the park. Oh, my god. This is like a real story. If i can sneak in central park, ill get an exclusive. Yeah, but be careful, it already attacked a woman. At least, they think it was a woman. There was nothing left, just her blonde hair. Wait what, mom . Have fun the birds and the bees let me tell you bout. The birds the bees and the flowers and the trees and the moon up above and a thing called love. Let me tell you bout the stars in the sk , a girl and a guy and the way they could kiss on a night like this. When i look into your big brown eyes its so very plain to s e that its time you learned about the facts of life startin from a to z. Let me tell you bout the the birds and the bees lifes as big as you make it. Introducing the allnew seven seater volkswagen atlas and a thing called love. What do you doic]. When your daughter is going to report on a dangerous story and you dont want her to go, but you promised you wouldnt treat her like a baby in the workplace . Sincerely, carol wendelson. [dings] oh, darn. Carol. I need a favor. Im sure you know why i hired you. To organize the Company Talent show . No. Please dont do that. I hired you because you have a way with chuck. Now, the network wants a little banter at the end of the show, and i need you to get him on board. Oh. All right . Oh, and have you seen katie . I need her to sign a waiver before she leaves for the park. A waiver, what for . Its just standard maimanddismemberment form. The kind that ron signed before he died. Okay, ill speak to chuck but only if you take my precious baby off that story. [knocking] you know what i love . Chitchat im not doing it. Chuck, you got to help me. Greg says that if you dont do banter on the show, hes gonna kill my katie. That monster. But im sorry, carol, the answer is no. Banter is undignified and i wont do it why are you getting so mad . Whenever my katie used to throw a tantrum, it was always about something else. Are you hungry . Tired . Teething . Scared . Im not scared. Ding, ding, ding. Im not. Im amazing at banter. Mmhmm. I once kept the conversation going for five hours at wolf blitzers birthday party, and i was the only one who showed up oh, whats the problem then . Her her i cant talk to her portia and i have nothing in common when she first started here, we went to lunch together. So, did you, uh, have a nice weekend . I did. This weekend, i went to go see the weeknd at aviciis popup club, weekend. [piano playing gentle music] that was three years ago. We havent had a conversation since. Its hard, youre from a different generation. I dont know what anybodys talking about anymore. Me either. Like, who is snapchat . Ah. Is he one of the minions . And are they all pokemen . I saw hamilton. I was like, huh . I mean, George Washington wasnt black, right . Or is it one of those things where you dont know for sure . You know, like santa claus or jesus . I didnt get it either. Maybe you just need experience talking to young people. At least i get to practice with katie. God, i love her. I really hope she doesnt die. Right. Maybe i just need a little more practice. Yes you know, theres lots of young women in the office. Just trying chatting with one of them. That is a great i im sorry but Lesson Learned dont banter about how someone has a puerto rican ass for a white girl. Something wrong, pumpkin . Yeah. I am so mad right now. Oh, i know, but dont be mad at me. Youre all i have in this world. Well, except your father, but hes boring. Greg gave my story to gene. Oh, its okay, honey. Mommys here. He said it was too dangerous. What a jerk. No one believes that women can do anything. You know, i once ate a 150ounce steak faster than any man at golden corral. Greg is a jerk. We should throw acid on him or something. Or i could just go talk to him again. No, no, no, dont do that. Skunks like greg, you know, they never admit theyre wrong. Why dont you go behind his back . Take the day off and go to the movies with me. Wait a minute, youre right. I should go behind his back. Great, why dont we see that new nancy meyers movie where Chris Hemsworth builds a gazebo and then marries a 100yearold woman . No, no, no, i meant youre right. I should go rogue and report my story anyway. What . I just need to get rid of gene. You know, im pretty sure some of those jewish holidays he takes off are made up. Okay, ill threaten to tell greg that theres no such thing as hha hha hha hazad and you tell wayne the cameraman to meet me by the news van. Oh, crud. What . Hmm . Oh, crud . Oh, its this expression from the 70s. You know, it means cool, like boss or can you dig it . Mom, i know i said i didnt need a mom at work, but i do. Oh. Thank you. [lighthearted music] oh. Hi, mom. Gene was cool with me taking the story. Turns out he had to leave early anyway for rik machanach. Yeah. Lets go, wayne. Yeah. [clears throat] uhoh, wendelson, we got a flat. Oh, you have got to be kidding me mmmm. Damn, that looks like a puncture. You know, i bet it was a nail or a screw. Now, the smart money is on a nail but you can never count out a screw. Oh, that is a shame. Oh oh, well, katie, i guess the only thing left for us to do now is shop for seasonal table runners at homegoods. Ill drive. Oh, my god, mom. I forgot. You have a car. Ill take that to the park. Oh, no, no, no, you know what . Remember, i took you off our insurance, so i could use the money to buy more boysenberry bombs on my biscuit blitz game. Fine, then you drive us. Oh, crud thats my son. . This is rosenberg. Im topher brophy. We get easily confused because theres a resemblance people say. He loves taking pictures. And on the camera on the galaxy s8. Its amazing. And with sprints unlimited plan we can post whenever we want. Which works for me. Does the plan work for you . He says it works for him. vo lease two Samsung Galaxy s8s for the price of one. And with galaxy forever, you can upgrade to the latest galaxy every year. Plus get unlimited 30 per month per line for four lines. For people with hearing loss, and now, the fifth line is free. Visit sprintrelay. Com. Welcome. I am the extra crispy colonel. And my extra crispy five dollar fillup is a tasty, real meal for just five dollars. Mmm kfc. Its extra crispy good. Tune in tomorrow night when i go undercover as an ugly person. And then we do the banter and were out. Good rehearsal, everybody. Whoa, whoa. Really appreciate you giving this whole banter thing a go. Well, im a team player. But would you mind rehearsing it just once . I mean, i know you can do it, but just for the guys in the booth. Were actually good in the booth, greg. Thank you, richard. Please, just, one time for me. [playful music] okay. Ill give it a go. And thats our show. Tune in tomorrow night as i go undercover as an ugly person. Hey, bomb suit, chuck. Its cis male, but it slays. Oh. I cant do this, greg. She is pranking on me. Okay, lets take five. Chuck, youre an accomplished journalist. You talk to people for a living. Just treat it like an interview. Im amazing at interviews. I once got Madeleine Albright to admit that she was in love with Boris Yeltsin and Boris Yeltsin to admit that he was in love with Madeleine Albright. Now, why did i never set those two up . And thats our show. Tune in tomorrow where were you last night . Uh. Ii was home. All night . You didnt go out at all . Oh, well, i went for a run. Interesting. cause it was raining last night, so that doesnt make very much sense, does it . I went before does it . Answer the question, liar i was stealing lipstick from duane reade i have a problem, okay . [crying] uhoh okay, that one was my bad. Mom, why are you driving so slow . Im just being cautious. Last week, you tokyo drifted into a macys oneday sale. And wait, why are we on the east side of the park . The wire said the bear was on the west. Hey, anybody have a craving for a banana barge from the carvel in my town . I do. Absolutely not its like you dont want us to get there. [gasps] oh, my god. You dont want us to get there. Youre meddling because you think its too dangerous. No, im not. I love dangerous stuff. Lets go get skull tattoos right now. Hey, mom . Howd the news van get a flat tire . I dont know, a nail oror a screw. Right, wayne . Yeah, i think or a vaguely ethnic tusk necklace from chicos theres still tire on it. Okay, im sorry i meddled, but its just that, what if the bear rips out your uterus and you cant have children, katie . [gasps] thats exactly what greg said when he took me off the story. In retrospect, it was weird he said that. You cant keep me from doing my job. Oh, yes, i can. [car doors lock] oh, the child locks . Ugh why are you doing this . Because i am not just your coworker, im your mommy. [groans] it never changes. You helicopterparent me so hard that i end up getting burned in a fiery helicopterparent crash. [car horn honking] what . Im just keeping you safe. Like ive always kept you safe. You kept me in a gilded cage. Oh, please, that was one time. Youre holding me back, just like you did when i was a kid and you wouldnt let me go to summer camp. Because i waited all school year to hang out with you. Or spring break . You could have been murdered in aruba. Dutch guys love you. All im saying is that sometimes when you thought you were protecting me, you werent. And because of that, im not totally prepared to be an adult. You are a great adult. Except sometimes youre a jerk to your mom. I hope you have a daughter, youll see. No, i wont. Because a bears gonna rip out my uterus right now. What are you doing . Im getting my story whether you like it or not. [horn honking] [groaning] oh, god. And how are you gonna get to the other side of the park, missy . cause im sure as heck not driving you im riding a bike you dont know how ha yes, i do. Nope. [gasps] nobody help me [horn honks] im definitely getting better, though i think i they to grandmas houseternoon, theyre bound. The car is filled with music, that classic disco sound. And on their little faces, only smiles could be found. Goldfish crackers. The snack that smiles back. Attention. We and by we, we mean us, the entertainmentloving people of america, have updated our terms and conditions. One. From now on, the word television will no longer be defined as that thing over there on the wall. We want all our things to be television things. Phones. Ipads. Refrigerators. Heart monitors. Ok, maybe not heart monitors. Two. Our shows and movies. We want them when we want them. So they should go with us. Anywhere . You got that right, kid show thing. Three. Nothing beats live. So we want to stream all that sweet live stuff. Like football. Red carpets and yelling. Wait what are we yelling about, guys . Four. We dont just want unlimited data. We want unlimited entertainment. Like unlimited hbo. Can i stop dying now mark . Cmon man. Its unlimited. Last thing. We just want all our stuff. The way we want all our stuff. Thats not too much to ask is it . At t brings you directv, internet and wireless. All on your terms. Its entertainment your way. Im dr. Kelsey mcneely and some day you might be calling me an energy farmer. Energy lives here. Is a 20second conversation, something a toddler could do. I mean, not me, i didnt talk till i was nine. [office phones ringing] well, whats the point . Hes not even trying to relate to me. I did try. I bought a plerp album. [scoffs] no one listens to plerp anymore. That was this morning. As an experiment, portia, maybe you could let chuck pick a topic . Oh, yeah, lets cater to the old white guy. You know, this is why i quit my podcast with bernie sanders. Well, look, we must have something in common. Uh, how bout soup . I like soup. What is soup again . You know what soup is youre deliberately being difficult fine. I like the chip and chet report. I have to agree. You know, i didnt intend to like them, but theyre really very charming. Did you see last nights episode . Pope francis came and he blessed their friendship. Well, who wouldnt . We are trying to beat the chip and chet report, arent we . That is literally the one thing on earth you cannot banter about. As god is my witness, were not leaving this room until we find one thing that you both have in common. No, i hate it here. Great, i love this room. Why do you hate me, bike . [bike clattering] both oh. This is, like, impossible. No wonder Lance Armstrong had to take steroids. [yelps] oh, jeez, maybe i did screw her up. Angie was right. Do not tell angie i said that, wayne. I dont know who angie is, lady. I dont know who you are. Uh, i assume an executive producer or something . [bike crashes] im never gonna get to the other side of the park. Why dont they make you with four wheels . Oh, all these years i thought i was protecting her from things that she was scared of. But maybe i was just protecting her from things i was scared of. Oh, my god. She is trying to ride it with her hands on the pedals now. Okay, i cant watch this anymore. [playful music] no, mom, im getting that story and you cant stop me. Im not gonna stop you, pumpkin. Im gonna teach you like i should have done 25 years ago. Really . God sure has a sense of humor. He gave a nervous nellie like me the worlds bravest daughter. Soproud. [chuckles] you know, i do know how to ride a bike. Maybe i can just go get some footage for the story . No, i want you to film my babys first bike ride. And then i want you to ride across the park and interview that bear or whatever. All right. I got you. Okay, im just gonna go slow. Here we go. Thats okay. Good girl, youre doing it. Okay, dont let go. Dont let go, mom. Ooh, ooh, okay, all right. Okay, seriously, dont let go. An escaped bear was subdued and captured in central park today. Breakdown producer Katie Wendelson was first on the scene and got an exclusive interview with the hero cop who took the bear down. When the bear grabbed my gun, yeah, i was terrified. But then i was like, wait. Bears cant shoot guns. They dont have fingers. But, boy, was i wrong. Solid interview, wendelson. Yeah, no thanks to you. How could you let my mom convince you to give away my story . Shes very persuasive. Her, dave, and i are gonna see that nancy meyers film together next week. Our producer also managed to obtain exclusive footage of the hairraising takedown of the bear. Oh, no, no, please, greg, do not show that footage, i am begging you. What are you talking about . Its great footage. Youre barely in it. Mom, look, the bear [gasps] the bear how do you stop this thing . Im coming, honey [bear growling] mom im coming, honey did you see the bear . I saw the bear [bike crashes] [laughs] ohh i needed that. Ill tell you, i spent the entire day looking for something chuck and portia could banter about for 20 seconds, and you know what . I did it. And it was worth it. Because in the end, katie, no matter how different we are, were all human beings, arent we . We all have a Little Something in common. You didnt tell them to say that, though, right . Because that sucked. And thats our show. Tune in tomorrow night when i go undercover as an ugly person. Hey, portia, you know what i love . Lemonade. Really . Me too. Iim like obsessed. Is that right . With iced tea . Huh, i havent heard that mashup. But you know what, i have a feeling that lemonades gonna bring home a ton of awards this year. Really . [chuckles] well, maybe its finally getting the credit it deserves. So she thinks theyre talking about the beyonce album. And he thinks theyre talking about the drink. Im a genius. [sighs] what a day. [sighs] i sure had an adventure, but i also learned something. Get out of here. Were not that close yet, carol. Sorry, sir. Well get there. Do me a favor. Will you get this young lady a cocktail . Queeze. Actually, i, um i have to go. What . Hey, im sorry. Look, i know what youre thinking, but i told you bennys not me. Were wrong for each other, kelly, and i think weve been idiots not to see it. He cracked a rib doing compressions. You knew you were supposed to observe only, correct . It was my order, sir. Youve been ordered to mandatory retraining. Next shift. Okay, so, youve done this before. Are the quizzes openbook, or should i invest in flashcards . Um, i sort of erased that experience from my memory. Disciplinary training is less like college and more like traffic school. Where are you going . Getting a seat. In the back . Morning, folks. These are fine. Sorry to drag you all in here on such a glorious day