Geography. Do you like geography . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy so heres a map of the united states. Its the most sexually diseased states. Now, as a general rule, the state with the most stds is traditionally whichever state where the bachelor is shooting, but not in this case. California finished 16th, which is better than i thought we would do. You know, Charlie Sheen lives here. But the number one most sexually diseased state, is fortunately, not attached to us. It is right there, alaska. [ applause ] and the reason they have the most stds in alaska is, have you ever tried to open a condom while youre wearing mittens . [ laughter ] guillermo, youre wearing mittens. Yes, jimmy. Jimmy you have a condom in your hands. Give it a try. To give you an idea of how difficult this is. Even practiced in this, this afternoon, right . Yeah. Can i use my teeth . Yeah, you can use anything, but dont bite into the you, you know. I dont want to have to heimlich you here. So you can see what im saying. Are you still working on that . Yeah. Jimmy when you get it open, put it on and well see how it looks. All right, sure. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy the most, i dont know if you can see, but the top state for stdfree is new hampshire. Congratulations to new hampshire, followed by west virginia, maine, and vermont. Vermont is 47. Theyre really making the most of this. Vermont, theyre even using these new stats to help boost tourism. Vermont its the place to be if you dont want to get an std and it wont hurt when you pee vermont come to vermont wed love to see you we wont give you herpes or gonorrhea just maple syrup and lots of skiing no blood in your times when you pee we have low rates of chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis and even crabs. Make vermont your destination when you pee here, theres no Burning Sensation vermont, were vt, not vd im Bernie Sanders and i approved this message. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats the only burn i feel. Anyway, its funny, but its a serious thing. And the center for Disease Control reminds you, still the best way of contracting an std is to get really into dungeons and dragons in high school. You get that thing open yet, guillermo . Not yet. Jimmy President Trump is working to drum up support from republicans for the obamacare replacement theyve been working on. Tonight he invited a hundred of them to come bowling at the white house. For real, its a pizza and bowling night, part of what theyre calling the president s charm offensive. He can be very charming and very offensive. So he puts those together. Unfortunately, the white house Bowling Alley only has two lanes, so i dont know how much bowling will happen. Bowling is a traditional activity for the president of the united states. It goes all the way back to harry truman. Theres richard nixon. President clinton bowling. President bush throwing the ball. President obama all bowling in suits and ties. The really takeaway here, they need to design a president ial bowling shirt, you know, with a spare force one on it, a team logo. [ laughter and applause ] oh, thank you. Thank you. Trump has made it known that he doesnt want the new Health Care Bill called trumpcare, the president is a humble man, he doesnt like to put his name on things. And paul ryan, the speaker of the house said this, the reason obamacare doesnt work, is because it makes Healthy People pay for the care of sick people. Isnt that how all insurance works . My car is fun, iine, im not pa for the people who got in an accident. Its like saying the lottery doesnt work because only one person hits the jackpot. Anyway, last night, the president and first lady had dinner with ted cruz and his wife heidi, which that must have been after all the lyin ted and you know how the government could make some money, put it on payperview. I would gladly pay a hundred dollars to watch donald trump and ted cruz eat dinner together. It would be the best episode of celebrity wife swap ever. You remember melania trump, the model who is locked in the tower and talks bilike borat . 52 of americans have a favorable opinion, men more than women. Men base it on google image search results. If theres one thing donald trump loves, its people with better ratings than him, hes not going to tolerate that. In addition to my work as a talk show host and hairstylist, im also a beloved tv judge. From time to time i hear cases with my trusty bailiff, who has given up. Real litigants put their disputes in very good hands, these hands, the man known as judge james. This is the plaintiff, scott davies. He rented a private onebedroom apartment from the defendant, only to discover on moving day that the unit was merely a living room. Hes suing for 1,400. This is the defendant, daniel devore. He maintains the plaintiff was aware of the living arrangement, but changed his mind. Its the case of the justice of the lease. Raise your right hand. What you are about to witness is real. The participants are not actors. Theyre actual litigants with a case pending in civil courts. Both parties have agreed to drop their claims to have their case decided here by judge james. You can be seated. You can sit down. The lady has been swear this. Very good. Before we begin, id like to congratulate you, guillermo. Guillermo has been named bailiff of the month. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, thank you. Okay, all right. Scott davies, you are suing daniel devore, for 1400, the amount you paid to rent a room, and later you discovered it was just a living room, correct . Yes, your honor. Mr. Devore, you say he just changed his mind, and he decided to sue. Thats correct. Mr. Davies, lets start with you. I found the craigs list ad, i dont know which one he gave you. Youll see there, it doesnt say den at all. It says private room. I met him at his office, gave him wish. He gave me the keys and immediately i went to the building, they only got me into the living room. So i called him and said, i think you forgot a key. He basically started to manipulate the situation, telling me, thats the space i rented, and if im not familiar with the laws in california, if you give somebody cash for a room in california, thats the room youre getting. Mr. Devore, what happened . I had two ads going at the same time, and it wasnt a living room. It was a den and a private room. One was 695, one was 895. Hes just showing you the one ad. Do you have the other ad . Believe it or not, i do not have the other ad. There you go. Thats the only ad, sir. You know, little brother, you better give me a second while im speaking. Ive been listening to you all day. We got two rooms, campbells a witness. Come on, big brother, youre not organized. Listen, little brother do you guys think of each other as brothers . Well, he calls me brother. Like you said, you had to call your mom that night. Im a big mamas boy. Im not afraid to admit it. I love your mom too. I bet you do. [ laughter ] what is this youre showing me . Its all black. Thats the ad i ran for 695. Why cant i read it . Youre sweating there. Order in the court. Yes. Tell him to quiet down, looks like a little terrier running around the court. Shut up, fat boy. Come over here and tell me to shut up. Hold on real quickly, you are no longer bailiff of the month. You cant let this go on. Did he move in, campbell . He did move in. He stayed the night. So you are living in the house now . Yes, sir, i am. Are you in any danger . I hope not, your honor. Campbell, are you currently under the influence of marijuana . Say something, campbell. Campbell, Say Something help me out here, man. Campbell, are you going to do anything . Say anything, campbell are you alive . What the frik . Jimmy seen more personality in a can of soup. All right, im going to go to my chambers and maybe have a snack and then i will come back and rule on this case. Will judge james side with little brother or big brother . Will guillermo have to say adios to his best bailiff award . And is campbell, mmm, mmm, wasted . When we return. Jimmy well take a break, when we come back, the conclusion of judge james, plus this week in unnecessary censorship, so stick around. Well be right back mp hi. P. Woo hi. Hi. All pants, jeans, and tops up to 40 off. Hi, fashion. Old navy. vo have to happen . Idnt i didnt see it. vo what if we could go back . What if our car. Could stop itself . In iihs frontend crash prevention testing, nobody beats the subaru impreza. Not toyota. Not honda. Not ford. The allnew subaru impreza. More than a car, its a subaru. Ill have that goat cheese garden salad. That gentleman got the last one. Sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. Can i keep the walnuts . Sold. But i get to pick your movie. Can i pick the genre . Yes, but it has to be a comedy. A little cash back on the side. With the blue cash everyday card from American Express, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Throw. Its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of American Express. Its more than cash back. Delicious, freshly brewed coffee cits one dollar. Go to mcdonalds and get 1 any size coffee or 2 small specialty beverage. And, every 6th mccafe beverage is free with our app. Wake up and win the day. Hook with 5 lines for just cric 100 per month. Plus, switch and get up to 5 free select Samsung Galaxy phones. So get more, save more and get down. Cricket wireless. Something to smile about. When i was too busy with the kids to get a repair estimate. Liberty did what . Yeah, with Liberty Mutual all i needed to do to get an estimate was snap a photo of the damage and voila voila sigh i wish my Insurance Company had that. Wait hold it. Hold it boys. Theres supposed to be three of you. Wheres your brother . Wheres your brother . Hey, wheres charlie . Charlie . you can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you. Liberty stands with you™ Liberty Mutual insurance because when it comes to great tasting water. Fill quickly and pour immediately, for great tasting water. Fast. New brita stream. That has everyone talking. Get out dont miss the best reviewed movie of the year. [ gasps ] they treat us like family. [ grunts ] get out. Rated r. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back to the show. Tonight on the show, Gillian Jacobs is here, comedian sam jay is on the way. First i want to wish happy birthday to barbie the doll, she turned 58 today. 58 years old. Old enough that we should probably start calling her by her real name, barbara. Sadly barbie didnt get the one thing she wanted today, which is for ken to have genitals. Still having trouble with that over there . Yes. Jimmy i like that youre still working on it. I want to open it. Jimmy youll get it open. Lets go back to the courtroom for the shocking and legally binding conclusion to judge james. This mistreated mamas boy said he received the runaround. This loudmouth landlord disagrees, and this redeyed witness thinks its all a dream. Judge james is about to rule. Lets listen. Be seated. Its a good thing you guys dont live together, because you really dont get along. I think you can understand, mr. Devore, that without the ad, you really dont have any evidence. I will say, my primary concern here is for the welfare of campbell. Campbell, are you here under duress . No. Do you know what duress means . I do. I have reviewed the evidence, i rule in favor of the plaintiff, in the amount of 1,378. 68 minus one nights stay in mr. Devores den. Arrest everyone. [ laughter and applause ] all right, judge james has rendered his verdict. Both sides came out clean. Lets talk to the defendant. How you doing . Good, how are you . Judge said you failed to present evidence of a previous ad. Well, he rented it, but sorry we couldnt show judge james what he needed to see. Campbell, earlier you said you were not under duress. You want to blink twice if youre in trouble . [ laughter ] all right, well take that up with the authorities. On the next judge james what is the purpose of this meditati meditation shrine . To meditate on. Youre very picky for a guy who doesnt button his shirt, ill tell you that. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy one more thing, its thursday night, time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week, whether they need it or not. Its this week in unnecessary censorship. Three days after an explosive claim by President Trump that president obama bleep his [ bleep ] during the campaign. I have lost hope completely and my mind is closed. This presidency is fake and [ bleep ]. Your thoughts . I know you always [ bleep ] me, but do you ever [ bleep ] . Never, ever. Its not the fire in your belly, you have to have the pleep ble bleat bleat in your throat. Just to swallow so much. I want to [ bleep ] President Trump. I want to [ bleep ] Vice President pence. And i want to [ bleep ]. Good to see you. Are you going to [ bleep ] this weekend . That would be no. I had barbecue with your mom. So have i. I [ bleep ] your dog, bro. I [ bleep ] your dog. Ive had so many [ bleep ]. Its hearda to keep track of all 135 of them. And counting. Jimmy happy birthday, barbie. Guillermo . What Jimmy Guillermo . I appreciate you trying to open it, but the moment has passed. If this would have happened in bed if i were in bed, i wouldnt have all this jimmy you dont wear mittens when youre make love . No way jimmy the things you learn. Tonight on the show, Gillian Jacobs is here, comedian sam jay is here,and well be right back with Tom Hiddleston. Dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by oreo cookies. Join the oreo dunk challenge by sharing your dunk for a chance to win. 2017 motor trend car of the year. Kelly blue book 2016 best resale value. 2016 j. D. Power highest quality breaking. Ack. 10 best blah blah blah 2015. Only about 90 more to go thats a lot of awards now through march 13, get 20 below msrp on all 2017 spark, impala and sonic models. Thats over 8,000 on this chevy impala. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, even if youre not a customer. Jimmy oh, youre an i. T. Person. There arent too many i. T. People, are there . Jjack at my place, you gete wthe double jack combo with one jack of the biggest burgers on my menu. Double the beef, double jack the cheese, plus hot and salty fries and a refreshing drink for jack just 4. 99. Yup, i took the combo and made it a bigger jack deal. Like how ben franklin made flying kites a bigger deal. Jack or how astronauts made a sunday drive a bigger deal. Jack or how egyptians made triangles a bigger deal. Sfx backup warning beep jack so, if you want to go big, you know where to go. Jack nice ride. Jack my 4. 99 double jack combo. Jack only at jack in the box. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back. Tonight, from the very funny show love, which can be bingewatched or consumed in moderation on netflix, Gillian Jacobs is here. Then, she is a comedian, you can see her live may 18th through the 20th at the crapshoot comedy festival in las vegas, sam jay is here. Next week, we have a great show next week. Next week, bachelor nick and his mystery bride to be, or not, on monday night after the finale. Dax shepard will be here, matthew perry, tim allen, milo ventimiglia, michael pena, chef thomas keller, paul shaffer featuring jenny lewis and shaggy. We will have mashup monday music from ok go, and the go gos, and our announcer Dicky Barrett brings boston to los angeles as the mighty mighty boft bostones. Dicky, are you ready . Dicky id better phone the lads. Jimmy you better. And i have to practice on my clarinet. And cleto, i looked at the notes, and they were too high. Very low masculine notes, okay . Yes. Jimmy okay, very good. Our first guest tonight still in the jacket . Yeah, its cold. Jimmy our first guest tonight is the god of thunders brother, who is about to share a screen with the worlds most famous giant primate, kong skull island opens in theaters tomorrow. Please welcome Tom Hiddleston [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you look very nice. So do you, sir. Jimmy so you had the big kong premiere last night across the street. Right across the street. Jimmy did you stay and watch the movie with the audience . Did i. First time ive seen it with a big crowd. Jimmy that was your first time . Yeah. Jimmy and thats fun, isnt it . Especially a film like this, which is a roller coaster ride, and you get to hear people jump and gasp and throw popcorn in the air. Its really fun. You dont get that on set. Jimmy you know this, i dont know if people know this, but a lot of times the actors when they go to the premiere, they pretend to be going to the movie and then they sneak out the back door and they dont see their movie and i never understand that, because thats supposed to be thats the point of doing the movie. Thats true. To turn up and watch it. Jimmy you had a premiere in mexico last week . Last weekend. It was great. Jimmy this is interesting. I want to ask you about this. Here you are in [ laughter ] did you travel with the sombrero, or was that something that was given to you when you got to mexico . No, so there was a big premiere and thousands of fans who turned out to say hi. And then in the middle of on the red carpet, Somebody Just reached across and handed me this sombrero, which i thought was a huge honor. Jimmy and you just said, hey, im going to put it on. Yeah. And then, i worked with guillermo dell toro. Jimmy oh, yes. From crimson peak, and they love him. And then they sang me a song. Guillermo, can you help me out . They sang me this song called jimmy who did . The mexican fans. I put the sombrero on and they all started singing. Its called sbrk speaking in spanish ]. Yes. Do you know what that yes. Its the night sky. We can sing it together if you want. Jimmy oh, that would be beautiful. [ cheers and applause ] i dont know the words. Jimmy this should be lovely. I dont know the words to this. Is that the tune . No, thats the way jimmy thats as close as he gets. [ singing in Jimmy Guillermo, you gotta sing into the microphone. [ laughter ] thats kind of why its there. Oh, forget it. Go back over there. [ applause ] you practice next time. We will. I have something to tell you in spanish. [ speaking spanish ]. Exacta. Muy trabajo. Which is, i havent forgotten the gorilla suit. [ laughter ] because the last time i was here, i was in a gorilla suit. Jimmy youre gorillathemed in general. Is king kong a gorilla or an ape . I dont know that actually. People say hes an ape. Jimmy yeah, they do say ape. I called him a monkey once and it didnt go down well on twitter. Jimmy oh, yeah, people get very specific about that sort of thing. They love when youre wrong. Do you speak other languages . Your spanish was shaky. [ laughter ] i speak a little french. Jimmy oh, do you . Okay. But only because ive worked there a lot. Jimmy i see. So i studied it a bit in school. Jimmy did you go to boarding school . Yeah. Jimmy its not such a big thing here, boarding school. If youre bad, you go to boarding school here. Your parents have had enough of you. Maybe the same is true in the uk and i just didnt know. Jimmy was it an allboys school . Yeah, it was. It was kinda mixed and then it was all boys in the teenage years. Jimmy i see. Just when you want it to not be all boys. Yeah. I always say boarding school is like a mixture of harry potter and the great escape. Jimmy okay. Without the magic or the second world war. Jimmy but broomsticks. Plenty of broomsticks. But the friends i made are close to this day. Jimmy yeah, right. Because youre lumped in there together and you try to think of crazy things to do. I remember, i was 8 or 9, and youre in dormitories of ten boys. And youre all kids. So its like, what are we going to do tonight . Were going to dorm raid. Which means, you get your pillows, after lights out, get the pillow at the end of the case, make it a kind of club, and go and start a huge pillow fight with the next door dormitory, and the winner is determined by how many pillows you destroy. Basically. Jimmy i see. You want to destroy your own pillow . You just want there to be feathers everywhere and jimmy bleeding . Preferably. You never forget those. Jimmy boys are the worst. You shouldnt put a bunch of 8, 9yearold boys together. It turns into lord of the flies immediately. Right . Kind of a kong skull island. Jimmy were going to take a break and well see a clip when we come back. Tom hiddleston is here. [ cheers and applause ] [hello moto] snap on a jbl speaker. Put a 70 screen on a wall. Get a 10x optical zoom. Get excited world [hello moto] moto is here. The moto z with moto mods. Get a moto z play droid for only 10 month. No tradein required. How do you become americas bestselling brand . You make it detect what they dont. Stop, stop, stop sorry. You make it sense whats coming. Watch, watch, watch mom. Relax im relaxed. You make it for 16year olds. Whoawhoawhoa and the parents who worry about them. You saw him, right . Going further to help make drivers, better drivers. Dont freak out on me. Thats ford. And thats how you become americas bestselling brand. Only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol®. Have you tried the tissue test . Question, are my teeth yellow . Ugh, yellow. What do you use . Crest whitestrips crest 3d whitestrips whiten. 25 times better than a leading whitening toothpaste i passed the tissue test. Oh yeah. Crest whitestrips are the way to whiten gave us the power to turn this enemy into an ally . Microsoft and its partners are using smart traps to capture mosquitoes and sequence their dna to fight disease. There are over 100 million pieces of dna in every sample. With the microsoft cloud, we can analyze the data faster than ever before. If we can detect new viruses bead, we may someday prevent outbreaks before they begin. [ speaking Foreign Language ] now theres a man worth talking to. Jimmy that is tom in kong skull island. Why wouldnt you want everyone to witness that . If i had shot anything like that, id watch it on a continuous loop. People coming into their house, would you like a cup of tea, and jimmy and yeah, hey, theres me, look at that. So you guys shot that in hawaii, australia, brie larson was here last night. Why have a weekend when you can have a breekend . Jimmy you went on them . Yes. We went gocarting and im terrible at it. Just really slow. Jimmy that surprises me. Safety first. Jimmy a lot of that is you have to get a good car. You have to scout the cars before. Well, maybe. One thing i did, i learned to surf. Jimmy in hawaii . Id never been surfing before, and i was like, if you go to hawaii for nine weeks, i should learn how to speak. Jimmy did you get up . I did. Jimmy did you have a guy teaching you . I did, yeah. Jimmy did it make you feel like a child . [ laughter ] just being taught how to do stuff. Jimmy learning things at a certain age, its a little bit emasculating. Thats true. Jimmy did he hold your back and stuff like that . Well, the most emasculating and humiliating aspect of it, because its all about the paddling, as anyone surfing will know. Youre paddling away and you get up on the board, and youre over joyed, and youre like, did i get the paddling right . I was behind you giving you a push. [ laughter ] jimmy they put a wax figure of you in Madame Tussauds wax museum. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy what do you think about it . I think its a very good likeness of you. Do you feel in this particular form, it looks a little small. Jimmy this is not actual size, tom. I mean, look, its amazing. Jimmy it is crazy, right . I havent come facetoface with it. Jimmy oh, you havent seen it in real life . No. Jimmy you gotta get this for your house when theyre done with it. I feel like its back to the future when marty mcfly comes facetoface with the other version of him from another time. Jimmy whats wrong with that . Call the pizza guy and that would be hilarious. Just leave him standing up. Maybe i can get the kong head as well. Jimmy yeah, you could have the whole museum for yourself. When i became an actor, i never thought thats something that would happen. Jimmy and it did. There must be a wax work of you. Jimmy i am my own wax figure. Youre now an animator, theres like a cog in your jimmy yes, im at home right now sleeping. [ laughter ] Tom Hiddleston kong skull island opens in theaters tomorrow. Well be right back with Gillian Jacobs. [ cheers and applause ] get 10 off your purchases of 25 or more so stock up with 2550 off sonoma for the family. Like 9. 99 boys sonoma tees. Plus, 8. 99 sonoma towels and youll get kohls cash too keep it simple with sonoma only at kohls. Today, unlimited gets the network it deserves. Verizon. mic thuds uh, sorry. Its unlimited without compromising reliability, on the largest, most advanced 4g lte network in america. thud uh. Sorry, last thing. Its just 45 per line. Forty. Five. cheering and applause and that is all the microphones that i have. vo unlimited on verizon. 4 lines, just 45 per line. Because when it comes to great tasting water. Fill quickly and pour immediately, for great tasting water. Fast. New brita stream. Got a minute . New aveeno®. R you. Positively radiant® 60 second in shower facial. Works with steam to reveal. Glowing skin in just one minute. Aveeno® naturally beautiful results® it helps put some distance. Between you and temptation. Clinically proven to help reduce hunger between meals. From metamucil, the 1 doctor recommended brand. Delicious, freshly brewed coffee cits one dollar. Go to mcdonalds and get 1 any size coffee or 2 small specialty beverage. And, every 6th mccafe beverage is free with our app. Wake up and win the day. You totanobodys hurt, new car. But there will still be pain. It comes when your Insurance Company says theyll only pay threequarters of what it takes to replace it. What are you supposed to do . Drive threequarters of a car . Now if you had Liberty Mutual new car replacement™, youd get your whole car back. I guess they dont want you driving around on three wheels. Smart. With Liberty Mutual new car replacement™, well replace the full value of your car. Liberty stands with you™. Liberty mutual insurance. Alright, hows this for a tv show. Sous chef. Lawyer by day, prepcook by night. Also, his name is sous. No. Sloppy joseph. A middleaged man whos trying to get his life together, but he cant hes to sloppy. Huhhh no here you go. I got this. I get cash back so its like everythings on sale. With the blue cash everyday card from American Express you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Everythings on sale a Home Shopping show takes place on a sailboat. Thats the one banana boat dessert on me. Look at you being all lactose tolerant. Its more than cash back. Its backed by the service and security of American Express. Welcome back. You know our next guest from community, from girls, and now she has her own its called love, season two is available now on netflix. Please say hello to Gillian Jacobs [ cheers and applause ] jimmy im doing well. I heard you just had a foot surgery. But you seem to be your speed is good. Youre wearing heels. I was practicing masking my slight limp for you tonight. Jimmy do you mask a limp, or do you exacerbate the limp . Because sometimes its fun to go with it. If i had more panache as a person, i feel like i could exaggerate it, but im kind of a dorko i have to mask. Jimmy you were on crutches for a while . I was on crutches. Jimmy what happened, exactly . I discovered a lump underneath my toe. And because i watch a lot of dr. Pimple popper online jimmy yes, i watch that. Hes really great. I knew it was a sicyst because was mobile under the skin. Jimmy is that the determination . That means its a cyst. So i went to the podiatrist and i said, i think i have a cyst because its mobile under the skin. And they looked at me. And im like, is that right . Actually it is. He said you have to have surgery. And then he said, you also have a bunion and its time for you to get custom orthotics. Jimmy oh, no. Its been coming my whole life. My mother and my grandmother, if you saw their feet, you knew its coming. My poor mother, i say such terrible things about her on talk shows, but she doesnt have great feet. Jimmy whats true is true. Im so sorry, mom, ive done it once again. Jimmy do people ask her to see the feet . Now they will. The last time i was here, you showed a video of me harassing my mother and asking her why she named me gillian and not jillian. And people say, i saw you on jimmy kimmel, but i only showed one of her eyes in my video, like she was my hostage. [ laughter ] jimmy you inherited the feet, its her fault. I get to make fun of her on national television. Jimmy so theyre okay now . Theyre fine. Jimmy what kind of orthotic shoes are you going to get . Because they have some really nice ones. Really . Jimmy have you seen the ones that are mauve with a big velcro flop that goes over them. You could start a thing. He gave me a list of two shoes that i should buy. Jimmy thats not a list by the way. Thats two. A shoe and an option. I googled them, i showed them to my boyfriend, and hes like, i cant, i cant. Its out. Jimmy what are you going to do . I think i might get the clogs that chefs wear. Have you seen those . Jimmy yeah, thats a good idea. You wear them . When im cooking. But nobody likes them. Its not like, hey, that looks cool. Whats going on, oh, i use them when i cook. Chef keller looks good in them. Jimmy he has crocs. Its not that dire. Jimmy if it does, maybe amputa amputate, thats probably the best way to go. Second season of your show comes out at like midnight. Which is perfect because my wife and i just finished watching the entire first season last weekend. I enjoy watching it. You play a character who has a lot of issues, maybe not problems. Problems. Problems. Lets jimmy go through some of her problems. All right, lets. Shes an alcoholic. Jimmy yes. Shes a drug addict. She has poor impulse control. She is a slacker at work, and shes a sex and love addict. Is that enough . Jimmy she also has maybe rage issues as well. Definitely. I tip a lot of things over in the Second Season. Jimmy oh, in the Second Season . Oh, yeah. I think at one point i knock over a rack of childrens tuxedos. So a lot to look forward to. Jimmy and who is your costar in this show . Paul west, who is also one of the crete creators of this show. Jimmy hes a nerd. Yes. Jimmy like a fullout nerd. I was telling one of the nerds who work in the office, this guy paul is such a nerd that our nerd could play him in the movie version of pauls life. Like hes more of a nerd than regular nerds. Hes a super nerd. Jimmy hes a super nerd. Hes very funny. I feel like ive just insulted him now. Hes not here. Its okay, paul. Jimmy paul and your mother are going to be upset after this show. Paul and my mother are enraged. Jimmy and you dont drink or anything . Never in my entire life. Ive never had a drop of alcohol. Never done a drug in my life. When i had this surgery, it was a minor surgery, i came out and the nurse was like, heres your oxycontin. And im like, ive never even had a vicodin, i cant take this. She was like, take it, its fine. Im like, this is how problems start. Jimmy did you take it . No, im holding. Some of my friends were way too excited about this. Jimmy right now, somebodys kicking in your front door at home. I think i gotta flush it for everyones sake. Jimmy maybe not flush it. Because, you know, then its in the water. I never thought about that. The fish are going to get so hi. Jimmy throw it in the gold fish bowl. Its very good to see you. The show is very fun. Season two of love is available right now on netflix, Gillian Jacobs, everybody well be right back with sam jay. Greg said, ok it is time to tell you something. Dad, im not gay im transgender. Thats as confused as ive ever been. If your parents dont get you and think youre weird, i love you and want you to be exactly who you want you to be. Having gigi happy, is more important than me having old greg. I wanted to be the real me. Jimmy welcome back to the show. Our next guest is a very funny person who you can see performing at the crapshoot comedy festival in las vegas may 18th through the 20th. Please welcome sam jay yeah. What is going on, guys . Man, this is truly amazing, dude. They have a room back there for me, my name is on the door. I took a bunch of poses in front of it for instagram. Bunch of hash tags, like step up, get your money together. Feeling good. I got a hundred likes on the pictures, so this doesnt really matter right now. This could go either way. [ laughter and applause ] thats where im at, be yourself, live in your moment, embrace your stereotypes. Stop being people that shun stereotypes. Theyre the best thing. They can help you, man, if you play them up right. Like people think black people are hostile. I use that to my advantage all the time. I ride the bus and the train, i blast music out my headphones, i look left and right real crazy while i do it. I bark every once in a while. No white people sit next to me for miles on the bus or the train. Its the most peaceful ride of my life, because i dont got to deal with your boogie boats and sail boards, silly stuff you bring on public transportation. Its 3 00 in the morning, is that a canoe . What is this dude doing . We think all asians know karate. If you dont know, asianman, throw up a leg, get out a jam. White women, you guys cry and get whatever you want. Beautiful. Its so dope. I wish people cared when i cried. I do it more often. No one cares, man. Because as a black woman, im still doing that oppression, we shall overcome cry, where you get all stiff and the one tear rolls down. And you dont know if shes holding in a fart or crying. When white women cry yall break down, your bodies go limp, your hair goes everywhere. Its like, she needs help, right here its amazing, dude. Because when you embrace your thing, you can use it to help other people. Thats the beauty of it. I was at a comedy festival, hanging out with my home boy, because hes a man, i look like a man, were both black. And we smell like weed. We were smoking weed, okay . So im trying to hide it. Dunking and dodging security. This white lady walked up, she said, i would love to smoke with you, i would even like a cigaret cigarette to mask the smell, if you would let me. I feel like we acquired white woman shield. You invisible to cops, security folks and otherwise nosey white folks. [ laughter and applause ] thank you. And thats where were at, man. We want to be a better country. I was on the cruise when i found out trump was the president. We were in the bahamas. And people were like, were never coming back and im like, thats not how cruises work. But it was a boat divided. As soon as the Election Results came in, there were people that were happy, i understood. People that were sad, i understood. But there was one lady that was confused, she was missipissing off. How could this happen in america . We were ready for a white woman president. I was like, really . A year ago we werent even ready for female ghost busters. And thats not even a real job. I dont know how ready we were, lady. Chill out. [ laughter and applause ] but i think as liberals, we should have been better, we should have been nicer to old white men. Im saying it. Nicer to old white dudes. We been a bully to old white dudes. We cant accept the win. We won, even with trump, theres glutenfree every applebees. We won. Its over. Hey, old white dude, hey, you dummy, you were bad to blacks, you were bad to gays, and you were bad to women. You smoked on planes. Now guys are going to kiss guys on the street and bacon kills you. Shut up, i dont want to hear your thoughts. But white people contributed to society. Not just the bad. Slavery, bad. Everything they did to black people after slavery, bad. But airplanes, dope airplanes are undeniably cool, man. Thats a white guy way of thinking. White guys got this weird need to dominate and dominate huge. Only a white guy looked in the sky, saw a bird and was like, i should be able to do that, why not me . Hey, yall have been [ cheers and applause ] jimmy very funny. Thank you. Jimmy sam jay id like to thank my guests and apologize to matt damon. Nig nightline is next. Goodnight [ cheers and applause ] this is nightline. Tonight, killer on the loose. A small indiana town shocked by the murder of two teen girls. This horrible crime has torn a whole in our families that will never heal. A possible suspects image and voice caught on camera in the victims final moments. Down the hill. Reporter and 400 miles away, an eerie coincidence. Everything just started coming back to me. Could two double homicides have been carried out by the same man . Plus, pandora rocks. James cameron guiding us through the new avatar theme park. Thats when you know youre in an alien world. Where you can fly on the back of a banshee, and eat and drink