Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20170426

You boys get first prize. Thatll do, pig. Captions copyright 1998 Comedy Central a division of time warner entertainment company, l. P. Captioned at hbo Communications Center from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. cheers and applause trevor welcome to the daily show thank you so much for tuning in we have a great guest tonight, Charlamagne Tha God is here, everybody cheers and applause its going to be a really interesting interview. But first, barack is back. Former president obama returned to the public spotlight for the First Time Since leaving the white house. He spoke to about 500 people yesterday at a forum for students in chicago. So, uh. Whats whats been going on while i have been gone . laughter trevor really, obama . Youre coming back with jokes now . So, uh. Whats been going on . I tell you whats been going on, we have been stuck with a putinloving, bronder bronzercd con man in chief, and youre here with jokes . Youre like, weve got to fight together then youre out there kite suffer. Oh, im fighting the waves if you saw the uncropped picture of him on stage, the other part of him is on the island chilling. I think obama stopped paying attention. These days you can get elected no matter what terrible things are in your past. This is a big week for Donald Trumps presidency. Not only looming showdown, but hes also coming up on his first 100 days in office, yes, and his first 1800 holes played. But shutdown or not, trump is desperate to deliver on at least one of his campaign promises. The federal government could come to a grinding halt by friday without a new spending bill to fund it. Passage may hinge on whether mr. Trump insists on his longpromised border wall. The wall is going to stop drugs and stop a lot of people from coming in that shouldnt be here and its going to be a huge iivelgt on Human Trafficking, a problem thats probably worse than anytime in the history of the world. Trevor yes, Human Trafficking is now worse than anytime in the history of this world. Yeah, you know who told him that . His good friend frederic douglas. laughter you know, i dont know why trump and his people dont just lose the whole wall idea because, like, first, they were going to shut down the government for punned ifing. As of last night they said maybe well wait until september. Now people are saying it might not be a wall. This is all real they say it could be a fence or it could even be a blimp, which with i dont understand. A mexican is going to stand at the border and say, dont cross just look at it, man wow pretty soon it will just be a ditch, then just stern words no crossing no crossing no, no no crossing bad mexican no just admit the whole thing is ridiculous and move on. At the end of 100 tas, the president should be talking about his legislation and not his stupid wall. Trump excuse me. Excuse me. Trevor mr. President , everybody applause booing trevor take a seat. Try to be nice guys, welcome. Welcome to the show, mr. President. Trump dont try to be nice. I never watch your show, but ive seen all the episodes, and youve seen some very not nice things about me. Trevor i havent said not nice things about you, mr. President. Most of the times, i just repeat your words, man. Trump not true, travis. Youre really nasty to me. Totally unfair. Im one to have the best guys. Im nicely on top of bigly in an angel food cake, but this is a show, travis. This isnt just a show, this is fake news. Fake news. Trevor thats the point, were a comedy show, mr. President. Do you see that, folks . Do you see this . He admitted it. I broke him like mitt romney. I broke him like a dog. Like a dog. Like a dog. Like a dog. laughter and thats why im here. I want to push back on the lies and the slander, okay . There is a beautiful word, its called counterpoint. Its unbelievable, and im going to make a counterpoint right there laughter trevor i dont think thats how it works. Its not about a counter anyway, all right. Mr. President , if you want to have a discussion, i do have a question for you. The other day you tweeted, eventually but at a later date so we can get started early, mexico will be paying, in some form, for the badlyneeded border wall. Everyone wants to know what did you mean by in some form . Trump totally and completely easy. Its not complicated at all. This is easy stuff, folks. Totally easy. We can tax them. They dont have to pay with money. We can tax them. We can take the do you love the little cocacola las, mexican cokes with the sugar in them . Mexicos beating us, theyve got the sugar in the coke. Theyve got the sugar in the coke. We can do it. Little adobe huts. I dont know, well figure something out, okay . Theyre killing us. Trevor mr. President , i really hate to push you on this, but it doesnt seem like mexicos ever going to pay for the wall. Trump well, then you know what we need to do . Im going to tell you what we need to do and this is incredible were going to bring millions upon millions of mexicans into the United States and let them let them do the lowpaying jobs americans wont do, and then were going to save so much money, and were going to save so much money, and we can use that to pay for the wall whos gonna pay for the wall . Whos gonna pay for the wall . Mexico is. Trump there you go. They know. Trevor i dont think they know. I think theyre just parroting what you say. Mr. President , you know what, thank you for being here but i have to carry on plus im sure youre very busy as well. Trump no, ive got nothing to do. I was going to sleep under the desk. Trevor all right, im just going to get back to this. Sorry. Anyway, without funding for the wall, the president is still scrambling for a trump no scramble. No scramble. Youre the scrambled eggs with bacon on the side trevor which is why now, today, the president unveiled a brandnew goal. The president promising a massive tax cut and trying to deliver on another campaign pledge, slashing the Corporate Tax rate from 35 to 15 . Trump isnt that gene just, trevor . My god, i have pillows with a hiring thread count. laughter trevor im sorry, how do you know what, mr. President trump let me in let me in. Im like a vampire. You have to invite me into the desk. Trevor thats not what we heard. Anyway, i dont understand this, mr. President. How does lowering a Corporate Tax help anyone except the corporations . All right, okay. Think of corporations as people. Trevor which theyre not. Trump and the government as waiter. Trevor which its not. Trump were tipping 35 . We should be tipping 15 , and even that is generous when you consider tax. Trevor ive heard you dont tip at all. Trump see, there you go, fake news. I tip all the time, everybody. I tip everywhere. Sometimes i dont even leave money for the bill, i just leave the tip. Just the tip. Just the tip. And i leave it peeking out. The tip just peeking out from underneath. And ill put the tip everywhere. We know china is underneath. China is underneath the world. Tip and china and we know how that works out. Trevor well, i hate to say this, mr. President , but weve run out of time. So trump okay, i dont need your time. All right . I have my own show and its a huge hit. Tremendous ratings, and it starts this thursday right here on the failing Comedy Central. Travis, youve made a terrible mess here, and i alone can fix it. Were gonna make Comedy Central great again. Trevor the president of the nairkts everyone watch the president s show this thursday 11 30 after our show. Well be right back. cheers and applause red line, 20 minute delay. Oh, no. rhythmic clatter cant get a signal . So annoying, right . Yeah, and im late for a job interview. Hey, man, can you just nix it, just for like two seconds . Thank you. You need verizon. They have the largest, most reliable 4g lte network in america. Its made to work in places like this. With verizon unlimited, we could video chat the interview in hd right here. Okay. Hey, man, ill cue you. vo when it really, really matters, you need the best network and the best unlimited. Just 45 per line for four lines. Im a people person. drumming resumes [ always fun ls] get down fun up feel good oooh woo oooh take on the mainstream. Introducing nissans new midnight edition. And its ai got this. In chicago. Go,go go game over. Boom. With the smooth finish when you got flow, you know. New gatorade flow, all the flavor with a new smooth finish. thats my son. . This is rosenberg. Im topher brophy. We get easily confused because theres a resemblance people say. He loves taking pictures. And on the camera on the galaxy s8. Its amazing. And with sprints unlimited plan we can post whenever we want. Which works for me. Does the plan work for you . He says it works for him. vo lease two Samsung Galaxy s8s for the price of one. And with galaxy forever, you can upgrade to the latest galaxy every year. Plus get unlimited 30 per month per line for four lines. For people with hearing loss, and now, the fifth line is free. Visit sprintrelay. Com. cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the the daily show. Tonight, we continue our weeklong look at the great state of alabama, a project that started a little while back when we read that alabama was the place in america where our show but the least popular. Yes. Like the only way they could like the show less is if i also played quarterback for l. S. U. laughter but since we realized redidnt know much about the state, we sent our correspondents to see for themselves and tonights report comes from hasan minhaj, everybody cheers and applause thank you, trevor. You know, why dont people in alabama like the daily show more . Maybe they feel the issues that matter to delicate coastal liberals like me like Climate Change arent the issues they care about. I went looking for what does matter to alabama and learned alabama has the most overcrowded prison systems in america. Trevor, if were talking alabama, we need to be talking Prison Reform. Country Music playing so why did the daily show send its only muslim cosht to the swamps of alabama . Well, im here to cover the states biggest challenge, im not talking about the horny governor who resigned, im here to cover the states actual biggest problem, fixing its broken prisons. If the hoa is going to be a hit in alabama, we need to cover the issues they care about. Everyone here from the state house to main street is concerned about prisons. Our prisons are so overcrowded one of the main issues has been Prison Reform. Dangerous to both inmates and our corrections officers. Human safety and security and human health is at stake. I headed to elmore correctional to see alabama prisons firsthand. Although the guard said i couldnt film inside, i decided to confront them like a man. Hold on. Can we stop . Dude, im not getting tased for this field piece. Ill with be honest with you. Im not going to be tased or shot or bleep whipped by that guy up there in his golden gun sniper station. Yeah, that guy, focus on limit. Ill let southern law president Richard Cohen describe the conditions on tin side instead. The conditions are barbaric, sometimes like lord of the flies. Do you think i would be a piggy . I dont know you well enough to say that but i think you would live in a little fear. In 1980 there were only 7,000 prisoners in alabama. Today there are four times that number. We measure how a society is doing but how it treats its prisoners and by that measure were doing pretty poorly unfortunately in alabama. Do you think if i went in there i would come out a muslim . Youre already muslim, how could you come out if youre already one. Double down. You know what i mean . They have orthodox. They advocate for reform but change requires political solution, not so easy when just about every politician looks like this. Thats right, republican. Tiny attorney general Jeff Sessions republican, republicans who historically only felt one way about crime. All the candidates are talking about crime in alabama. Thugs, criminals. Lock em up. Fighting crime. Criminals on the run. They should go to jail for life. Nowadays state senator cam ward is redefining republican justice. I champion sentence reform and Prison Reform in this state. This republican wants to eliminate mandatory minimum and increase leniency for nonviolent and let them watch the daily show. No, i dont think thats going to going the happen. Cam sees inmates as humans. Any Correction Institute in the country, 50 of the population has a Mental Health diagnosis we need to help them with. When did you catch feels like this . Did you listen to drake and think we need to talk Mental Health . Not really. If you can get them help as opposed to commit a crime, probably a smarter way to do it. What is it like to be a closet democrat. Im a different kind of republican. Its 2017 cam. I heard macklemore is working on a song about this. When i was eight years old, i thought i was a democrat, yeah . Yeah. I couldnt believe it, this crazy white dude was down with the cops. Im a white dews dude, but im crazy. Maybe he could give eme dirt on sessions. Im going to ask, does Jeff Sessions have a giant magical cookie workshop with a chocolate founden . I have my doubts he does. Youve so ask him. Does he ride a grass hop tore work each morning. Dont know, you have to ask him. Does he sleep in a sea shell or just a matchbox . Youre going to have to ask him that as well, too, i dont get into his personal life. Cam wasnt snitching but on the plus side at least two people in alabama are fighting for Prison Reform combined with the fact they happily sell guns to muslims with zero training, this state is making serious progress. Keep this up, i might just have to make alabama my home sweet home. Of course, ill probably have to change my look. Roll tide cheers and applause trevor hasan minhaj, everybody well be right back cheers and applause tired of paying hundreds more a year in taxes and fees on your wireless bill . Only tmobile one gives you unlimited data with taxes and fees included. Thatll save you hundreds. Get two lines of unlimited data for a hundred dollars. Thats right. Two lines. A hundred bucks. All in. And now, the brand new Samsung Galaxy s8 is here. So what are you waiting for . Get the new galaxy s8. Plus get 2 lines of unlimted data for a hundred bucks. Taxes and fees included. Only at tmobile. People spend less time lying awake with aches and pains with advil pm than with tylenol pm. Advil pm combines the number one pain reliever with the number one sleep aid. Gentle, nonhabit forming advil pm. For a healing nights sleep. How do they make starburst taste so juicy . They use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] its about to get juicy. Whoo i feel so aliii. It takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. Unexplainably juicy. Yeah, i just saved a whole lot of money by swhuh. Ing to geico. We should take a closer look at geico. You know, geico insures way more than cars. Boats, motorcycles. Even rvs geico insures rvs . Whats an rv . Uh, the thing weve been stuck on for five years wait, im not a real moose . . Weve been over this, jeff. Were stickers im not a real moose . Give him some space. Deep breaths, jeff. Whats a sticker . . Take a closer look at geico. Great savings. And a whole lot more. Ima wade, ima wave through the waters tell the tide, dont move Freedom Freedom i cant move freedom, cut me loose Freedom Freedom where are you . Cause i need freedom too Freedom Freedom Freedom Freedom what you want from me . Is it truth you seek . Oh father can you hear meee. Ooow . Trevor welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight cohost of the Breakfast Club on iheart radio, and whose new book is called black privilege opportunity comes to those who create it. Please welcome Charlamagne Tha God cheers and applause trevor hello whats happening . cheers and applause trevor oh trevor, my friend trevor are you good. Is this yes, man. Trevor welcome t to the show. Good to have you here. Thanks, man. Trevor you are writing books . Yes. Sometimes you sit down with somebody and record your voice and tell your stories, but i wasnt feeling the way it was transcribed so i would get up on saturday mornings and write it myself. Trevor you can feel charlamagne in the book. I wrote it. Trevor some people change when they write and here are the tools charlamagne embarked on the journey you know what i mean. laughter before we get into the title of the book, black privilege, lets talk about some of the stories. One of my favorite is you talk about how you used to get in peoples faces, causing trouble and a guy almost choked you to death. Yes. Trevor a few years later you found out he was in jail for choking in one to death. Im from a small town called monks corner. He beat me up real bad. This scar is from that because it was scar tissue that wasnt going away so i had to get it cut off. He had me in a choke hold and i thought that was it, man. I thought i was about to go to that upper room. Trevor and then it would seem you havent learned. You have controversial issues in the book. One of my favorite passages, you talk about the white devil and say not all white people are the devil. Could you put that in context for the white people in the audience . laughter i talk about how i studied the five teachings of islam when i was younger and one of the teachings is the white man is the devil. I saw thats one of the things i couldnt quite get with because i dont feel everybody is born inherently evil. Trevor okay. But i say i dont think 100 of white people are the devil just about 80 . Trevor see how you won the white people over there . Yes so when you work with black people, you should make them feel comfortable and sometimes should walk up and say, hey, my name is andy and im not a white devil. If that doesnt work, treat people the way youd like to be treated. Trevor walk up and say, hi, im andy and im not if a white person walked up to me and said that you would think they are the devil. Trevor you are most definitely devil. laughter black privilege, great title, i would buy the book for that name but you cant truly believe in black privilege. Why not . Words mean something. When you look at the word privilege, the word privilege has more than one meaning. Privilege means certain advantages are granted to a Certain Group of people, but the word privilege also means its an honor to be. I feel its an honor to be black. Trevor youre using it in a different context. Absolutely. Trevor you know what people think. They go charlamagne. White privilege is something people are fighting. Very real. I can fight against white privilege, i can fight against oppression, institutionalized racism as well as celebrate myself and say i feel its a privilege to be black. Trevor that adds context. And you have advice in the book. You talk a lot about black people getting up and doing things for themselves. Hold on, that sounds like respectability politics. Trevor no, what i wanted to talk about in the book is just going how did you find the journey, you know, being in a place where you go, i understand there are obstacles in my life, but statement i have to work hard. The two things can coexist. How did you find your path in life . My father used to give me some of the best advice. He would say, if you dont change your lifestyle, youre going to end up in jail, dead or broke sitting under a tree somewhere. And when i started going to jail and saw people around me going to prison and dying and sitting under the tree being broke, doing nothing with their life, i was, like, whoa, this is real. So wise people learn from their own hi stakes and the mistakes of others so i thought i would have to do something positive with my life. I didnt have a plan b or go to college. I had to work. I picked up odd jobs. I worked at taco bell, a Clothing Store in the mall called demo. I worked at a war house. Like a lot of kids, i wanted to rap. I wasnt a bad thing. I met a guy willie will at a Radio Station in South Carolina and said how did you get into radio . He said, i went down there and got an internship. And thats what i did. I watched back to the future a lot of times and that was one of the moment that altered my future. I was fading out of the picture till i got that internship. Trevor i feel you there. That makes a lot of sense. applause what ive always enjoyed about you is you are an honest person. Many people think youre continue verse bull you speak your truth, you stick to what you believe in. If someones going to buy the book, whats the one thing you want them to take away from it beyond just the contrivecy of the title or whatever you think they may feel about you . I want them to feel enlightened but i want them to know success is subjective. This is the path i chose. I want people to find whatever their purpose and passion is and work towards it. When i say success is subjective, i mean there is a guy watching this in columbia, South Carolina or charlotte, North Carolina somewhere making 50,000, 60,000 a year, his wife is good, kids are good, a nice place to stay, a car, and happy. Thats success. In america, we equate success to celebrity a lot of time. Thats not the case. There is plenty more regular successful people than famous successful people out here. So i want people to feel empowered and enlightened by the book. cheers and applause trevor i was entertained by the book. I love hearing your voice. Thank you so much. Trevor, thank you, sir. Trevor black lives matter. Charlama