And sure enough, soon as they did,h, i tried eating a hot dog, and it tasted good tasted my vampire teeth even fell out when i bit into it lt im human again human a we have no idea what youre talking about, butters, but were glad youre home but we thats right, son. Theres only one thing i care about whats that, dad . Well, would you mind telling me why theres ricearoni in my coffee . Icearo butters, you are grounded a aw, dang it it worked, linda. Our son is groundable once more. Is fellow students, over the past week, theres been a lot of confusion, and so we have asked for this assemblyis asse to clarify the difference between goth kidse diffe let us make it abundantly clear et us if you hate life, truly hate the sun,f you ha and need to smoke and drink coffeend dnk you are goth. If, however, you like dressing in black cause its fun, fun, enjoy putting sparkles on your cheeks and following the occulttheu while avoiding things that are bad for your health, then you are most likelyyou a douche bag vampirewannabe boner. E because anybody who thinks they are actually a vampirehey is freaking retarded. Is fi [cheers and applause] app [cheers and applause] come from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. cheers and applause . Trevor welcome to the daily show, thank you so much for tuning in. Welcome to the daily show, and to the first day of the rest of your lives. Im trevor noah. Tonights guest, buzzfeeds d. C. Bureau chief john stanton is joining us, here to discuss the 18 cat photo the eightteen cat photos that will make you forget the election. Lets get right into it. If this morning you woke up from a coma, you might want to go back. The most stunning upset, trump. Donald trump will be the next president of the United States. laughter . Trevor you know what, no matter how many times i hear that, it still doesnt seem real. It still doesnt feel real. I mean look at the newspaper, today. Look at that. Look at that. It looks he cant hear you, its a newspaper, it doesnt matter. Like, it looks like a joke from april fools, you know, even then people are like thats not a funny joke, man. This entire result is sort of like trumps hair. I know its real, but my mind cant accept it. It just you know, because it looks like hes wearing his hair backwards. Like everything, everything is backward. I mean i dont understand half of this. Hillary clinton lost by getting more votes, no, seriously. She lost by getting more votes. Trump got 200,000 fewer votes, but he won the presidency because he had 279 electoral votes. Because thats how it works in america. You dont need the most sloats, you just need the electoral college. So once again, donald trump benefits from a bull [bleep] college. And by the way, and by the way, im not saying its bull [bleep] because im sour or anything, im just quoting the president sorry, the president elect, who said it himself, yeah, there you have it. Donald trump calling it corrupt. We just did it, we went through his tweets, that is what happens when you dpet a new job, people will dig through your tweets. I genuinely cannot believe this has happened. Even the trumps cant believe that this happened. This was them last night, watching the results. Look at those faces. Look at his face. Look at that man. That is the face of a man whose bluff has been called and hes only holding a two. And now that face will be the face that represents america to the world. That is the face that will address the nation after a tragedy. That is a face that will command the most powerful military in the world. Washington, lincoln, roosevelt, kennedy, reagan, obama, and now trump. One of these things is not like the other. And if you are thinking its obama because hes black, you probably voted for trump. Donald trump, however, did give a victory speech last night and like most terrible things in rur life t happened at 3 a. M. On the streets of new york. I just received a call from secretary clinton. And i congratulated her and her family on a very, very hard fought campaign. Hillary has worked very long and very hard over a long period of time. And we owe her a major debt of gratitude for her service to our country. I mean that very sincerely. Trevor oh, say what you want about trump, hes reading has really improved. laughter yeah, most president ial. And im going to be honest right now, i was genuinely surprised by the tone of this entire speech. Trump was gracious, he was humble, he was compassionate. I will tell you now, if that guy ran for president , he also would have lost to donald trump. With how vitriolic this election has been and how much trash trump has talked, i was genuinely accepting his speech to sound more like this. Nah nah nah nah nah. How waw like to suck my butt. Trevor thats what i was waiting for. That is what i was waiting for. But i was honestly surprised. Done alt trump came out and he was really great. I think what we need to do now is try and look on the bright side. Sinsz trump won the election, no one can deny that he has been a phenomenal president elect. Right . Hes been a great 19 hours. In fact, i say we use this opportunity to start over with trump. We should try. Lets wipe the slate clean and start with zero days that President Trump has gone without an incident. And now one day without an incident. Huh . Huh . One day yay one day, people. Now its only 1,459 days to go. But look, even though so much of yesterday felt like bad news, it wasnt a total buzz kill. Marijuana was a big winner last night. Massachusetts approved measures to legalize recreational pot. Four states did pass laws that let adults smoke marijuana for fun. Trevor oh my god, people are smoking marijuana for fun. laughter . Trevor for fun, as opposed to people without smoke it for work, for fun. You know, real quick, can i just say right now, america is the most gangsta country in the world. You know how weird it is to me that while you are voting for president , there is a question on the ballot about weed. This is like someone in there, yes, im voting for donald trump, and also yeah, i would like some weed, i would like some weed, yes, i do. I will say, it is a great way to get young people to the polls. Do that all the time, add a party question to every vote. Yeah, how do you feel about brexit, and also shots . And this is one guy in america who could use a hit right now. Its soon to be former president barack obama. Because you know what they say, when they go low, we get high. I had a chance to talk to president elect trump last night about 3 30 in the morning, i think it was, to congratulate him on winning the election. And i had a chance to invite him to come to the white house tomorrow, to talk about making sure that there is a Successful Transition between our president sees. Trevor thats when i knew it was real. That is the moment when i was like oh, this is real. I also think that will be the first time donald trump knows its real. To have more about experience we have experienced i am joined now by michelle wolf, everybody, michelle wolf. Joining us in studio. Michelle . How are you feeling right now . Well, as my auto correct would say, duck this ducking election. I feel like i just got broken up with someone whose uglier and has a worse personality. I mean how did this happen . Experienced politicians versus racist fake gynecologist. I mean wow, america, i mean i knew you were sexist, i have seen your carls, jr. Commercials, but instead of electing a woman president , we chose donald trump, who shouldnt even be president of lunch meat. I mean its not even about not voting for hillary, its about people voting for donald trump. The worst thing to happen to women since yeast. Trevor oh, yeast, because the yeast in bread and then bread. No i do not have time to explain that to you right now, trevor laughter look, women make up half of this country, trevor, and now we have a leader who only sees us as ass and tits. I mean even porn hub thinks were more than that. They highlight so many other parts of women that i didnt even realize were sexy. I mean 3 million hits for an elbow fetish, who knew. Trevor wait, i dont understand, the elbow, why oh, oh, oh, i get it i investor thought of that. Men are disgusting. Men are creeps. Trevor so in this election, men really screwed the woman over. I mean weve always known that there are some men that are against women. But [bleep] blew my mind in this election is that 42 of women voted for trump. 42 i mean look, i get it, i get if you dont agree with hillarys policies ou are really for some gods damn reason hung up on her emails. But you went with trump, the guy who said women without get a, abortions should be punished, without walks in on teen beauty queens changing, who would grab a pussy, that guy. You thought that guy was better for you than hillary. The grabber. I mean even if its con sen eucialtion you dont grab a pussy. It is not how you handle a pussy. How are you supposed to be able to handle a country if you cant handle a pussy its not hard. You learn it in like middle school. I dont get it. I dont get it and some of those women didnt want hillary to become president because she is a woman. That is right, women can be misogynists too, just proving that women can do anything that men can do, except be president and you want to know the saddest thing ive heard all day . To all the little girls who are watching this, never doubt that you are valuable, and powerful, and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world to pursue and achieve your own dreams. applause cheers and applause the saddest thing i heard all day is that we have to be reminded of that. Trevor thank you, michelle, michelle wolf, everyone, well be right cheergs plaws. Trevor welcome dak to the welcome back to the 2k5eur8ee show. Here with more on trumps election were joined by senior political analyst hasan minhaj, everybody. Hasan, how are you feeling right now . Trevor, like Many Americans i have spent the last 12 hours refreshing the canadian immigration website which keeps crashing. So i am panicking, because melonin doesnt rub off. But look, donald trump won. We got to take the l. He spoke to people who felt ignored by washington and wanted their jobs back. And i understand. I dont quite get how you get there by electing a guy who collects bankruptcy the way Michael Jordan collects rings, but okay, they deserve to be heard. And last night we heard them. But i cant forget Something Else i heard. On december 7th, 2015, donald trump called for a total and complete shutdown of muslims entering the United States. I remember that date because it is the birthday of the worst [bleep] day of my life seriously, how is that not instantly disqualifying. Even if thats not why most people voted for him, open racism should just be a deal breaker. You personally may not be a racist, sexist, xenophobe but that comes with the package. Right . Like if a car womans with heated seats, you may not want them but youll take them. Trevor but then if the seats go hey, dont sit on me, camel jockey. You should be like hey, i dont want the car. Trevor makes sense. So if you take that deal, what you are telling me is hayman, i dont hate you. I just dont care about you. Trevor i hear you, hasan, i hear you. But islamophobia in america is nothing new. You have encountered this many, many times since 9 11. Have i pretended to be puerto rican a few times since 9 11. Si but it used to be when i walked on a plane, i could feel the stares and suspicion. And it sucked. But at least i knew the pesident of the United States had my back. Mostly because hes also a muslim. We can say it now, it doesnt matter. It doesnt matter. Hes muslim, okay. Who gives a [bleep]. But now that assheel in seat 21b calling floot Flight Attendant to get off the plane, now that guy is the president. Plus i also think hes probing the lad groab groping the lady sitting next to him. I dont want people thinking oh, that poor little muslim boy, that little brown boy, your life is tough. No, its all of us. Its not just muslims or mexicans or africanamericans t is all of us, whether its your citizenship, marriage rights, freedom of speech, donald trump is going to move on them like a bitch. Trevor that was his line, you just quoted his line. Yeah. Trevor that is what he said. You know though, that there is a chance, and i know its weird to say this, there is a chance that maybe hell end up being more moderate. Oh is, xenophobia, thats cool, low calorie racism, hmmmm, like what . This is a true story. My mom is out of the country right now, shes visiting my grandma. And shes a u. S. Citizen. She has lived here 30 years. Shes on the phone with me last night, and shes like hasan, i dont know if i can come back until february. Am i going to be able to get back into the country . And the fact that i cant tell her yes, with 100 certainty is heartbreaking. And there are a lot of people telling me hey, man, dont worry. Trumps not really going to ban all muslims. But i dont know, man, that is my mom. And i need her back home because i love her, and she owes me 300. laughter . Trevor hasan minhaj, everybody, well be right back. This beer gets straight to the point. It looks you in the eyes. And firmly shakes your hand. Coors banquet. Thats how its done. Im only going to show you half it. What do you think . I think it looks very sleek. The lights remind me of audi lights. And it starts at 22,190. Nice. But, theres another side to this car. Oh, wow. I love it. This is the firstever chevy cruze hatch. Well, thats pretty impressive. Wow. So check it out. Yeah, thats awesome. I do like it a lot. Now that you know its a hatchback, what does it make you think of . Young professional slash weekend warrior. The whole business in the front, party in the back sort of thing. Whos the genius who puts a girl in heels on a subway grate . Miss monroe, eat a snickers. Why . You get a little cranky when youre hungry. Better . Much better. This scene will never make the cut. cheers and applause . Trevor welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight is the washington d. C. Bureau chief for buzzfeed news, please welcome john stanton. applause welcome to the show, sir. Good to be here. Trevor you have quite an interesting story. I met you awhile ago. But i mean a lot of people are looking at you now, an when i say buzzfeed reporter, reporting in washington, i guess it will come as no surprise that for 20 years you are also working as a bouncer while covering with was happening in the Supreme Court, and in washington. Yes. Trevor that is quite a flip. Not really, actually. It does give you some useless skills. This year actually they will come in very handy am have i been hit in the head with bottles several times at trump rallies. So getting hit in the head with bottles at a punk rock show or junk jerks trying to. Trevor nice, nice, i like your bouncer skills will come in useful as a reporter. I feel like all the other reporters are like hey, you can show us a few tricks. Yeah, yeah. Trevor will you lets talk about this world we are now living in it is now officially trumps world. We are all in it. That is the space that we are in, trump is preparing his cabinets. Hes there ray few names floating about. What are the scariest and maybe the, if there are, some of the more exciting things to look forward to in the first hundred days of donald trump . Well, i think one of the things that im going to be watching for is what he does with the repeal of obamacare. I think it is a fore gone conclusion that theyre going to do it. The problem with him is that he has no sort of selfdiscipline or selfcontrol and he absolutely is not a patient human being. Trevor yeah. And the senate they can filibuster a bill, which means they can basically stop it if the democrats want to, they have enough to do that. He will, i think its more than likely try to force the senate republicans, the senate majoritiy leader Mitch Mcconnell to repeal the filibuster. Which would be an extraordinary thing to do it is a check on the passions of the chamber and it ep coos them from doing things with haste, right. And really think about what they are doing. Getting rid of that would make it possible to repeal obamacare, make it possible to do pretty much anything he wants to. Trevor how much damage could realistically be done. Lets say you repeal the filibuster and now there is no balance and check as you say, in place. And now how much damage can you do in terms of passing laws . I mean any laws you can think of that he may want to do codo easily. Especially given the fact that the republicans have made it pretty clear that ther real estate going to just give in to him. Theyve all become very, almost overly polite. They look almost like gollu m, crawling towards. Trevor he has the ring. He does have the ring. Trevor he has the ring. Yes, he does. Trevor its funny that you say that. Lets talk about that for a moment. I struggle with this. Because i go republican, people go oh, the republicans won. And i argue, no, the republicans didnt win. Donald trump won. Donald trump beat the democrats and donald trump beat the republicans. Yeah. Trevor there is a difference there. Because now they are at his beck and call. Yes, they control the senate and the house but now you have the situation where they are at his beck and call. Do they stand up to him or do they bow . No, yeah, thats absolutely right. Senator i was in missouri yesterday for the election, and everybody including people working on his campaign assumed he was going to lose. Hours after the polls closed. And it wasnt only until we realized that trump was minuting missouri, because he was winning it, that we saw that roy blunt was going to be brought back to the senate. The only reason Mitch Mcconnell will be running the senate is because of donald trump. And donald trump is going to use that power over him and other paul ryan and every other member of the Republican Party at any moment. And you know, hes made it very clear, hes used t he bludgeoned people in public. Hes not the kind of person that is going to be afraid to beat up on them and try to run them out of office if they dont do what he wants. Trevor so now donald trump comes in, he takes office. He has his first hundred days. Everyone is looking to that. He has laid out his plan. Which of those plans do you think are actually realistic. Which of those plans do you think he will set out to achieve as soons he can . I think he will start the process of Supreme Court nomination. Because merrick gar did land is off the table at this point. I think will start the process of repealing obamacare. Will begin the process of trying to get rid of nafta. I wouldnt be surprised if he starts putting noo place some sort of mechanism to build a wall in mexico, even if it is a fansful thing that like will go on forever, sort of like Ronald Reagans star wars program. It will be like, you know, the wall version of it. Trevor him picking out bricks every day. Just like him choosing, we have chosen tera cotta folks, things are going well. Like, you know, like a slow process of building its ridiculous that we are even having this conversation. But you know, hopefully your reporting is going to ep ka us nferred. I will ask you that, before i let you go. As a reporter, are you a little bit worried . Because donald trump in the middle of the Campaign Said we need to change the libel laws, folks. We need to reign in the media. You are in the media. You are reporting. Donald trump has the house and the senate. When people stand up to donald trump, when hes now challenging the first amendment, what happens there . I dont noavment i dont know. I think there are a lot of us very concerned that he ask going to start trying to put us in jail. That he will start limiting our access. We were one the first outlets that were banned by his campaign. And we were a giant pain in his ass because of that for a long time. They eventually let us back in. It appears right now they are not going to be going down that road but he has sort of understood it is a bit of a bridge too far. Trevor that is if you write something about him. When hes president t is unclear what is going to happen, whether or not he will try to take peun tiff mesh usuals against any of us or all of us. And that is a big concern for i think most reporters. And if its not, theyre fooling themselves if they think that show they are protected because, you know, they have a relationship where him. Trevor wow, its a scary place to be in. At least you can handle the bottles. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you. Trevor thank you so much, john stanton, everybody, well be right back. Thank you so much. To its roots. Brewed only in golden, colorado. And nowhere else. Ever. Coors banquet. Thats how its done. I. Marvel studios. And im an executive producer at. If my office becomes a plane or an airport the. Surface pros perfect. Fast and portable but also light. You dont do this 14 hours a day, 7 days a week. If you dont feel it in your heart
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