Week three, spiral hams, week four, baking yeast, and week five, hair care products. Next week, pop rocks. Are you really trying to impress your cat . Today would have been tax day. We got a threemonth extension. I wonder if well be able to write off bathrobes as a business expense. But i love that we got an extension. The one year we finally had a chance to sit down and do our taxes on time. The governments basically hoping by mid july everyone will have received their stimulus checks and can turn around and send them right back to the irs. Those who are waiting for an actual check will have to wait until next month. According to the washington post, the checks are delayed because someone decided he wasnted to pri wasn wanted to print Donald Trumps name on them. Wonder whose idea that was . This is the first time a president has had his name on a relief check ever. Delaying them to put his name on them might be the trumpiest thing he has ever done. This is the dumbest thing hes decided to put his name on since donald jr. Thats saying a lot. They released an image of what it will look like when it does arrive. There it is. Why on earth would he put his name on it. Its not his money. He didnt put his name on the check he sent stormy daniels. These dollars are tax dollars, as far as i know, he hasnt paid any taxes. Hes like the drug lord giving the villagers cash on christmas so they look the other way the rest of the year. He says hell stop all funding until a review has been conducted on the w. H. O. Stopping funding to an organization that handles pandemic in the middle of a pandemic is like slashing your own tires because youre mad you woke up late for work. So far, hes blamed this on obama, the governors, the media, the w. H. O. Has he blamed it on the mexicans yet . No. Hell get to that. Now, after initially praising china and how transparent they were, hes back jabbing a little baby carrot at them. You were criticizing the w. H. O. For praising china for be being transparent, but you also praised china for being transparent. I dont talk about chinas transparency, if i was so good to china, how come i am the only leader of a country that closed our borders tightly against china. And by the way, when i closed our border, that was long ahead of what anybody, you can ask anybody that was in the room, 21 people. I was the one person that wanted to do it. Debra can tell you that, better than anybody. I was the one person that wanted to do it. You know why . Because i dont believe everything i hear. Jimmy me neither. I dont even believe theres a debra. By the way, 45 countries closed their borders before we did. And we didnt actually close our boerts borders to china. 40,000 people came in from china. If you didnt catch yesterdays edition of the celebrity president , this should wrap it up. This guys nothing but trouble. Hes a showboat. If you keep talking, ill leave and can you have it out with the rest of these people. I have two questions, one is for one question. Le a person who cant be here. Who cares. If you keep talking, im going to leave and you can have it out with them. Simple question. Just a loud mouth. Dr. Fauci said this morning that that critical testing and tracing ability does not exist. I dont know what he said. Nobody knows. Look at this, the way it looks, i dont even like the way it looks, although i have a lot fewer reporters, thats fine with me. Quiet, quiet, quiet. How on earth are we going to get to a point where we have millions and millions of tests where people are tested when they go to work. Jimmy im unhappy, prepare my commode. This is interesting, our president , according to the failing New York Times wanted to do a daily talk radio show from the white house. The show would have been two hours a day with the idea that hed field questions from callers. Kind of like a dumpster fireside chat. And the reason he decided not to go through with it is he didnt want to compete with rush limbaugh, for real. Even the president couldnt get through quarantine without thinking about launching a podcast. I would just tell him he has a rad radio show. Lock him in a room with an unplugged mi unplugged microphone and let him go. He even claims hes watching baseball. I havent actually had too much time to watch. I would say maybe i watch one batter and get back to work. Jimmy i look when he admits hes been wasting time and then immediately pulls it back. Dr. Anthony fauci, in the meantime, gave his thoughts on how sports could potentially come back. I dont know if hes been spending too much time with trump, but this sounds crazy, too. Theres a way of doing that. Nobody comes through the stadium. Put them in big hotels, you know, where ever you want to play. Keep them very well surveilled. And have them tested like every week. Jimmy so we would lock the players in hotels and keep them under surveillance and then test them . That doesnt sound problematic at all. Maybe we could keep the fast ones on a leash. Regardless of when team trump wants to open, it will be up to the states to make that decision. New yorkers are now required to wear masks in public. Mayor garcetti told cnn we are very unlikely to see sports or concerts again until 2021. California Governor Newsom said when business does get going again, restaurants would have fewer tables, disposable menus and theyd take your temperature. Imagine that, i hope they take it orally, because that is not why i go to the cheesecake factory. But this could be the way it is. If they cant come up with a vaccine, we could be doing this in some form until 2022. That is not social distancing, that is fullon hibernating. If this does go on another two years im finally going to sit down and figure out what tik tok is, thats my goal. Today senator warren induced. Shes not having a baby, she, se endorsed joe biden. The New York Times reports senator sanders and prbarack oba had conversations about this. Uncle bernie, how you doing . I am good, cardi. I want you to take a look at my nails. How they looking . Theyre looking very quarantined. I can tell youve been on quarantine for a while now with your nails, but, you know what . Its okay, uncle bernie. Okay. Jimmy poor bernie. Theyre working together on a new plan called manicure for all that i think is going to solve everything. Hey, we got a fun show tonight, one of my favorite guys. Well take a break and Jason Bateman will be with us when we return. Dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by verizon. For over 20 years. G with everything going on, weve had to alter our classroom settings. We have to transition into virtual learning. On the network, we can have teachers facetoface with a student in livetime. They can raise their hand and ask questions. They can type questions. We just need to make sure that the education is continuing. vo at verizon, were here and were ready to keep students and teachers connected to the world. Thats why verizon and the New York Times are offering 14 Million Students free Digital Access to times journalism. Charmin ultra soft is so soft too much, are you hon . Youll have to remind your family they can use less. Charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. Crunchy oat clusters with a hotouch of honey. Ombine. Plump, juicy raisins. And tasty fiber. Into one delicious cereal . It took a lot of branstorming. Get it . Kelloggs raisin bran crunch. Two scoops of delicious. Jimmy welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live from my house. Tomorrow night seth rogen will be with us. Tonight, a man of multiple talents, hes been on tv since before he was born, season three of his great show ozark is on netflix now, say hello to Jason Bateman. Hi, jason. Are we doing this right now . Or is this just a rehearsal . Lets just rehearse one and do it for real, because i got to get in wardrobe, get the makeup done. Jimmy im enjoying your hair. Its really taken full command of your head. Please dont. First shower in four weeks. Jimmy youre usually a very hygienic person, yes . I am. So i havent, this hasnt been super uncomfortable for me, as far as the extra steps one needs to go to, to comply with, you know, the hygiene request, the hand washing and the sprinting from somebody about to sneeze. You ive got all those moves down. Jimmy do you have a hand washing ritual you can share with us. Quewell, 20 seconds is not a hard one for me. The big one, and i learned this from mr. Leonardo dicaprio in the what do you call it movie, the Howard Hughes movie, where he scrapes his hands with his fingernails while in the, so you get the soap underneath the fingernails. It its, its pretty genius. Jimmy so you are taking your hand washing tips from an actor who is channeling a lunatic, a recluse, someone who died insane. And who had famously long fingernails. So and which, you know, my fingernails actually are getting pretty gross long, too. Because i dont, i dont clip them. I start, i start it with a chew, and then i do a very elegant peel. Jimmy ooh. But im not putting my fingers in my mouth. So ive got almost four weeks of growth here. Im not going to show them to you. Jimmy youre like cardi b. I get that all the time. Jimmy hows the family doing . Im not sure. Ive been pretending to be positive for three weeks, just to stay away from them. No. Theyre doin great. Jimmy i dont know if you remember this. But last time you were on the show when we were in a studio with an audience and all that stuff, you said something to the effect that youd ruined the easter bunny for your older daughter frannie and made her promise not to tell your younger daughter maple. How did that go on easter . Thats right, exactly. So that was sunday. It was great, yeah. Frannie, frannie has done great. She has not mentioned anything. Maple is still, she still is convinced that, you know, a fourpound bunny can carry eight pounds worth of candy and chocolate, two baskets into the house. But she did tell me to keep an eye out for the bunny, because she was pretty convinced she saw him as she was going to bed last year. She said if you see him wake me up. So i do feel like this is, this is the last year. Jimmy oh, she saw him last year. You either need to call an external na exterminator or the police. I said what did he look like . He said he was a little taller than you, like a man in a bunny suit. And i said he was Walking Around downstairs . She said yeah. Jimmy you, are you helping the kids with homework . Because you, as we know, were a kid actor, an actor since you were very young. You never learned to read or write. Were you on those sets that werent even schools. They were really just like labor factories, yes . Oh, god. We could do a whole separate segment on so much bad behavior and bad learning. Yeah, so, yeah. Needless to say, im having trouble teaching my, my 8yearold second grade. Its amazing how much i dont know. Long division is very difficult. Im great with art. Im great with setting up the zoom sessions. Jimmy uhhuh, good. Changing background. I do know how to do that. Jimmy i dont feel like that really hurt you in any way, because, well, you won an emmy for best director, which is fantastic. And very exciting. Ozark, you know, people will say to me, what are you watching . We love ozark, and i said i should watch ozark, and they say, yeah, im watching it already. It has 100 on Rotten Tomatoes, did you knee . Pretend you didnt. Say that again . Jimmy its got 100 positive, i know you dont really check that. I dont have anything to do except continually refresh Rotten Tomatoes and see if we have, yeah, i mean, look, all we have to do, with all those brave people doing all that incredible medical work, our job is just to stay home. I feel like thats the least we can do. Jimmy for sure. And we are going to talk about a charity in a moment. Also, when we come back, im going to give you a little quiz. You know im obsessed with your youth and all the tv shows that were you in and i was watching. So im going to give you a little quiz to see if you remember as much about Jason Bateman as i do. Jason bateman is with us, well be right back. Heroes for leading this fight. For early mornings, late nights, double shifts, and overnights, for calloused hands and skin scrubbed raw. And for being brave enough to go to work today. Thank you, from all of us cheering you on. [overlapping applause and cheers] charmin ultra soft is so soft too much, are you hon . Youll have to remind your family they can use less. Charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. When you need it, jack delivers order on uber eats, postmates and grubhub. When you need it, jack delivers whaso lets do the rightver chanthing, today. Ow. Lets stay at home. Lets wash up. Lets always keep our distance please, six feet apart at least. Lets look after ourselves, as well as others. It will all be worth it. We can all do our part. So those on the front line can do their part. And when this is over, we will all, continue, to thrive. Is so irresistible, youll wanna eat them anywhere, so dont resist pop em outside, or on the go, or on the way home pop my 100 allwhitemeat classic or spicy popcorn chicken combo for just 5. 99. Jimmy welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live from my house. Were here with Jason Bateman who has agreed to let us test him on his own career from quarantine. Youve been on tv for a long team, what, 75 years . 76. Jimmy a long time. Some of those projects were very successful, others were not. Now were going to play a game called was i in it. I will read the description of a tv show or movie, you will tell us if you were in it. Bonus points if you can remember the characters name. A teenage scam artist lives with his mother. Thats its your move, matthew burton, and he loves a good point. Jimmy next, a successful lawyer quits his job to become a teacher. Was in it. It was called the jake effect, so im going to say his first name might have been jake. Not great on the last name. Jimmy good enough. Thats correct. A gay mildmannered writer lives in Greenwich Village with his homophobic roommate. Were you in it . You bet you, that was some of my best friends taken from the film kiss me guido. Danny nuchy there. I was the homosexual. When i auditioned for it, i asked the casting director would they like me to read in a flamboyant way . And they said no, youre gay enough, just come on in. Jimmy do you remember your name . No. Jimmy warren fairbanks. Two guys named mike woo the same girl. Were you in it . [ laughter ] jimmy no, thats a show we made up called two guys named mike. A wall street stockbroker shows up at his Brothers Auto repair shop looking for a new lease on life, were you in it . I was in it. Boy, look at that. Jimmy black sheep was the name of it. You played jonathan kelly. A wall street stockbroker loses his wife and job and finds himself in harlem sharing a tenement with his simple brother. It was called simon. There he is, harlan williams. Now my name was, i want to, no, his name was simon. What was my name . Jimmy carl hemple. You were carl. Ah, there goes maple. Say hi to jimmy. See, i keep her outside. That way theres more food for me inside the house. Right . Jimmy hi, maple. Watch out for rodents. There she goes. One more, here we go. A teenaged musician goes on the run from killers, and the police when he returns home to find his house empty and his family gone. Youre pulling a lot from the bill payer side of the ledger. This was called crossing the mob, i think or moving target. Jimmy moving target. Crossing the mob is probably next. Jimmy not only, we have a clip from moving target. Here we go. Toby kelloggs been away from his family. While i was gone, they moved. Hes being chased by the cops and hunted by the mob. And hes got to find his family before a killer does. Wheres my family . Jason bateman is a moving target. Not only am i in a deep sweat, but you and i are in a fight. Jimmy jason, youve chosen as your charity tonight, ill be making a donation to direct relief, which is not an antacid. What is it . Its an antacid for workers in medicine, it gives them more things to keep them safe. Jimmy the show is ozark. Will there be a season four . Can you say . Chances are decent, we should know soon. But everybody keep their fingers crossed for world health and season four, please. Jimmy Jason Bateman, thank you, jason. Well be right back. Say hi. A pandemic has the possibility of bringing us together in ways none of us would have been able to expect. Im so small said the mole. Yes said the boy, but you make a huge difference. little girl [pthank you, love you g] neighbors thank you thank you [clinking and applause continues] jimmy welcome back to Jimmy Kimmel Live from my house. Before we go id like to mention that i set up an email address i just got one. Where you can ask me questions. Any weird questions you like. Ive already received hundreds who would win in a fight . Astronaut vs caveman. Fist fight ok, no weapons, no outside help. They are only allowed what they are currently wearing. Astronaut. No question. Cavemen were about this tall. And did you ever see buzz aldrin punch out that nut who claimed he faked the moon landing . Astronaut in the second round. I dont have any time, but ill answer some questions tomorrow. I want to thank Jason Bateman. I want to apologize to matt damon. Im so sorry i ran out of time for him. Nightline is next, buenos noches, everybody. Irs is sending stimulus checks to people who passed away. Loved ones are wondering what to do next. The pandemic is left essential Services Without the volunteers they need. Coming up ill explain how you can get out and help your community. A new purpose during the covid19 pandemic. New ways business is working to keep pets and owners safe. April showers on the way. Will they impact weekend plans. We kind of Human Resources that only a nation state could be afforded. Governor newsom reminding us today california has some of the best and brightest minds. Hes put together a Team Including former california governors and Silicon Valley leaders to work on a new economic recovery team. As the state enters recession. Despite the need for economic growth. We could a long way from reopening. Health and science and a real data. More counties are requiring people to wear face coverings in public. Any time you are inside or