For the first time since 2016, the U.S. will join over 188 other nations in celebrating the career of the esteemed businesswoman-slash-model-slash-singer-slash-actress.
Hear why millions of Americans remain concerned that taking the vaccine could shrink them down to a size so small they would need to fight off mice with a toothpick.
Lady Gaga, J. Lo To Perform At Biden Inauguration
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WASHINGTON Explaining they were excited to “kick things up a notch,” officials from the U.S. Mint announced Friday a new seven-cent coin to bolster citizens’ math skills. “Let’s face it, we made it way too easy the first time,” said U.S. Mint Director David J. Ryder, who shared the bureau’s hopes that the new denomination, which would be called a ‘septi,’ would provide a greater challenge. “The nation has lagged behind other countries in terms of core addition, subtraction, and multiplication skills for years, but it’s not because we’re ‘stupid’ or bad at math we just need a little practice. It’ll just require a little more focus next time you’re doing laundry or buying groceries. We believe in you guys. And don’t use a calculator, that just defeats the whole purpose.” At press time, Ryder added the U.S. Mint would also be introducing a new irrational number dollar bill next year, valued at the square root of 5, to help citizens brush up on their alg
ATLANTA Reviewing changes to the priorities for Covid-19 vaccine recipients, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Friday that the nation was entering a new phase of vaccine distribution where Capricorns, gymnasts, and childless uncles were now eligible for inoculation. “If you are between the ages of 49 and 52, were born in Iowa but now live in Ohio, reside exactly 3.25 miles from a hospital, or have bowled a 300 game, you should proceed to a medical facility to receive your Covid vaccine,” said Anne Schuchat, deputy director at the CDC, adding that health officials hoped to provide further clarity on the order in which people should receive the vaccine, as well as prioritize the fourth-generation Dutch immigrants, Panera Bread regional managers, and Miami Heat season-ticket holders most in need of inoculation. “After Capricorns, any Gemini with exactly three roommates and Celiac disease should be ready during phase 3f, but first we have to finish with phases