I just got a very promising lead. You know that Vegan Health Food brand, smug meadow farms . Oh, yeah, yeah, i love their dried prune snacks. They totally clean me out because theyre so expensive. Money, not poop. I just got a tip that they havent been disclosing all of their ingredients, and theres no one to hold them accountable ever since the president replace the head of the fda with chester cheetah. Oh, my god, thats huge. And of course, youre gonna give the story to gene. Well, its not fair, man. I work longer hours than everyone here. No, katie, im telling you because i want you to produce it. I totally agree. You work really hard. Okay, cool, yeah. If you want me to do it, ill do it, whatever. Ugh, come on. Oh, im so in love i have to get flowers at work to prove im in a good relationship. Ooh, theyre for me. This is proof im in a good relationship. Whos the guy . Are you still dating that mcdonalds janitor . No, and he wasnt a mcdonalds janitor when i dated him. He got fired for shoving a kid. No, this is a new guy im seeingjeremy. Whyd he get you flowers . Isnt that sweet . More like shady. Guys only send flowers for three reasons anniversary, valentines day, got amber rose pregnant. No, hes just thoughtful, unlike that janitor. For our twomonth anniversary, he surprised me with a haircut while i was asleep. Tell me this have you ever been to his place . Well, no, but is he secretive about phone calls . Yeah, but i mean, whats wrong with wanting some privacy . I wish i had some. My mom insisted on cosleeping up until this morning. I hate to break it to you, but youre a sidepiece. This guy has a girlfriend and you aint it. No, im not a sidepiece. Sure, and im not banksy. [mellow music] [knocking] hey, greg, you wanted to see me . Yes, carol, unfortunately someone in the office filed a complaint against you. You japanese have such beautiful hair. Im not japanese. Oh, good, so i can tell you a funny joke my father wrote during pearl harbor. You have to attend sensitivity training today after work. Come on, greg. Im not racist. Its mmn policy. You have to go. And we go to the olive garden instead of this . No, carol [laughs] [groans] okay. sup, rookie . Chuck, what are you doing here . The same thing ive done every night for the past 11 years. Ive committed so many offenses ill be here until the day i die. Welcome to hell. So, i take will shortzs parking space and he says, youll be sorry. Now, i think hes gonna turn me into, like, a snarky crossword clue or something, then he just beats me to a pulp. Mmhmm, mmhmm. Hey, i was thinking, why dont we go to your place tonight . Really . Um. But we always go to your place. I know, lets switch it up. [phone buzzing] oh. Uh, im so sorry. I gotta take this. Oh, hes not talking to his girlfriend. Im not a sidepiece. Well, if youd like to be, oswald and i have an open relationship. Pass. Yeah, that sounds great, honey. Well grill franks at the house this weekend. Oh, my god. Portia was right. I am a sidepiece. Ooh i told you no, young lady good evening. My name is joyce and ill be conducting your sensitivity training. Please do pay attention. There will be a quiz at the end. That should be easy for me. Im not racist against anyone. Except italians from bologna. May their tails get caught in a windmill. Sensitivity is about making work a safe space so no one is made to feel less than or other. An easy place to start is with gender semantics. Now, say you work with a cisgender male who identifies as homosexual. What would be an appropriate pronoun to use . Rupaul . No. Its time for some you got their unlimited plan. But you still seem to run out of highspeed data. Not anymore. Introducing Straight Talks ultimate unlimited plan. Thats right, ultimate. Get all the 4g lte data you want. All high speed. And all for just 55 bucks a month. Thats endless data on americas largest, most dependable 4g lte networks. Get data that never runs out. Only from Straight Talk wireless. Only at walmart. C puppy barks you can do it duck. Hurry up duck you can do it duck. Iams. Helps keep your dog healthy at every stage. Come to a complete stop. Repeat as necessary. Recalculating. Free, free, set me free. In one mile, arrive at a place where you make your own lane. Only to discover. It has traffic jams too. Your all new compass [mellow music]. You got one right . Nerd. I dont understand. How did i fail . Does this mean that im a bad person . No, of course not, carol. Its the stupid pc culture. Thats the problem. Theres a new offensive word every day. Its bad to call someone sissy now . That was my mothers name yeah, im nice. I dont see color. I once walked into a black church and i didnt even notice until i realized i was having fun people are too sensitive these days. Its not us that needs to change. You know who really needs to learn a lesson . Both everyone in this office besides us. Katie, katie. Hows that smug meadow farms piece coming . Greati spent all morning on the phone with a Quality Control officer that used to work there. Get this their vegan protein patties contain meat. No, just meat. Oh. Thats still really bad though, isnt it . Keep at it. Hey, portia, you were right. Last night i caught jeremy talking to his girlfriend. Im so sorry. What did you do to get back at him . Well, lets just say revenge is a dish best served cold, by which i mean i went home and postmated an ice cream cake. Wait, a guy cheated on you and you did nothing . Havent you ever heard of the country song that i recorded after my break up with some hockey guy . What you gonna cheat with now, you genius . Now that ive gone and destroyed your pe jeez, i was just gonna never speak to him again and then facebookstalk him and every woman he ever dates until one of us dies. Katie, you owe it to yourself and women everywhere to make him pay for what he did. But just remember if you kill him, he cant live on to tell your story. Bye, have fun. [whispering] bye. [clapping] great show, everyone oh, for gods sake. What did you two do . We didnt do anything. Your insensitive staff offended us. Hey, guys. Im not a guy. Gender discrimination. [sneezes loudly] god bless you. God . Offended oh, so i guess you couldnt be a delivery woman. Triggered. Aw, thanks, dude. Dude . I dont identify as a cowboy i need a safe space gun violence continues guns have triggers. Triggered and were out. Thanks, guys. That was on television. So you reported the entire staff. We just wanted to prove that this pc stuff has gone too far. Anything could be considered insensitive these days. That might have been a cool take a few years ago, but this is 2017. The president just asked congress there are literal nazis in the street. We had one on the show last night. Wait, that guy with the hitler haircut wasnt David Beckham . Okay, i need to cancel my dinner plans. Look, you two are by far the oldest people in the office. Stop acting like babies. Ageism joyce, i dont feel safe. You are going to fry for this. Chuck, sit down. Im afraid hes right. Okay, katie, you can do this. You are a strong, independent woman and you deserve to drink a cool, refreshing gatorade. Ugh, i shouldve just paid for the adfree affirmations app. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, i like that. Oh, my god, hes with her right now. I am gonna destroy your dont stop, no, no, no, more of this. Wait, what . Give it to me, big boy. Give ituh, katie. What the hell are you doing . Uh, working. What are you doing . I thought you were having sex. Why would you think that . When i reached my word count . No. Good, cause i didnt. No, i like my job a normal amount. I met bruce i saw on his lapel ches got a purple heart. E bruce we started talking about the service. I outrank him. chris [laughs] yeah. Meals on wheels reaches so many people. Its impactful beyond anything ive ever done in my life. bruce the meals and his friendship really mean, means a lot to me. vo through the subaru share the love event, weve helped deliver over onepoint seven million meals to those in need. Get zero percent financing for 63 months on select models, plus well donate two hundred and fifty dollars to charity. My mom and dad have been so supportive over the past twelve months. I cant even begin to tell them what an impact its made on our lives. Say thank you with merci. The thoughtful collection of european chocolates. Merci, mom and dad. It feels good to be back. Wait, so youre no, no, of course not. Well, then, how come we never come back here . Well, i mean, look at my place. [laughing] its kind of pathetic. I dont even have a real refrigerator. I just have an old fan blowing on a stack of american cheese. Oh. But why are you so secretive about your phone . Well, i gotta protect my sources. You know, my calls and texts contain a lot of sensitive information. Oh. Maybe i should be doing that. My password is password and my secret question is hows it going . But noi heard you talking on the phone. You called someone honey and said you were gonna grill franks at the house this weekend. Yeah, i said i was gonna grill as in interview congressman trent franks at the house of representatives. Shes chinese. [phone buzzing] oh. Thats her calling right now. [buzzing] okay, so i guess were okay then. Yeah. [giggles] sorry. Oh, except i think someone keyed die bastard on the side of your car. Friggin will shortz. [sigh] how do you stop a guy thats got no fear . So this pc nonsense isnt so easy, is it, greg . How about a friendly wager . If you pass the sensitivity quiz, i will end my own life. Greg passed. No, greg [sobbing] i wanna live you call yourself sensitive . You would let a man die for, what, a bet . Actually, everyone passed, except chuck and carol. What . How . Because we arent the problem, carol, you two are. Ms. Joyce, is there any way i can get extra credit . Like, stay late and clean the. Africanamerican board . No. [sighs] s up . I just wanted to let you know that you were wrong about jeremy. He wasnt cheating; hes just really into his job, right, jer . Jer . Jer . Hes so busy. Anyway, i am not a sidepiece. Everything is amazing. No, katie, dating a workaholic is so much worse. [whispering] come on, you never react right. If work is a guys first love, you cant compete. When i dated steve harvey, the only way that i could see him was by posing as a sevenyearold breakdancer on little big shots. Well, thats not a problem for us, right, jeremy . Jeremy . Jeremy . [whispering harshly] jeremy, please. [keys clacking] you are wrong, and im gonna prove it. Hey, what do you say we take a little break from work [screams] my beautiful papers. Okay, we need to talk. Look, i get that you love your job. I love my job too, but we need to be able to make time for each other. I feel like we do that, i mean, dle of that Prison Reform article . I see what you mean. Oh, hey guys. Can i ask you a question . How did you pass that test . It was impossible. That test wasnt hard if you dont live in a bubble. Look, im black and i was raised by two dads, so you can imagine what my childhood was like. That mustve been tough. But id watch the heck out of that show. Growing up jewish in alaska wasnt easy either. Its so cold there, and im afraid of bears. I dont wanna be insensitive, guys, but its confusing. Greg, portia. How are white americans like us supposed to keep track of it all . Um, im half black. What . And im not american. Im british. Huh . But because of my accent, people always assume that i know what im talking about, and i dont. Ive got an eighth grade education. So, you know, american college. Oh, boohoo, we all got our problems. For example. [grunts] i just crushed my testicles on that banister; you dont see me crying about it. No, no, chuck, i get it now. s people that are complicated. No, carol, they are hypnotizing you with this snowflake nonsense; dont listen to them. Listen to me, and look at this enticing coin. See it shine . Isnt this nice, taking a break from work . Ugh, yeah. [phone dings] oh, oh my gosh. Im sorry, i thought i turned that off. So tell me why call the New York Times the grey lady . Oh, fascinating story. So, apparently, on the set of dirty dancing, Jennifer Grey [utensil clanking] oh clumsy me, i dropped my fork no i loved the one i dropped what is this work emergency . Our smug meadow farms source just leaked confidential docs and katie, the meat is bonobo. [whispering] my god thats as close as you can get to people they use tools, and they have sex for pleasure. Okay, fine, ill be there. Whaoh, yeah. Im so, so, sorry. Picking up this fork reminded me that i need to pick. Pick on the old banjo. Thats right, my bluegrass band has a show tonight. What are we called . You know what . Dont ask me now, okay . Youve never shown the slightest interest in my band [tense music] [panting] lets do this. [the weeknds earned it playing] you make it look like its magic oh, yeah cause i see nobody nobody but you, you, you im never confused hey, hey im so used to being used so i love when you call unexpected youre right, that did not make typing twice as fast. No. cause i hate. [squeaking] [panting] what the hells going on here . You know what, this is not what it looks like. Its, um, were just were having sex. Yeah, right. Youre working aw, youre as bad as i am. At least i know that im addicted to my job. Addicted . [stammers] i do lots of stuff besides my job, okay . I sleep. Ive got my bluegrass band. What are we called . Uh. Look, katie, i couldve been at home banging out as many stories as i wanted to tonight, but i didnt. I met you halfway. I hate to bring this up right now, but i have an std. A strict time deadline. Katie, weve got to get back to work. You are a city city wall, city wall she could be dancing down a hall, dancing down a hall rning heads, were turning heads, oh yeah and nothing can stop us now ladies and gentleman this is a robbery. What are you doing after this . When this guy got a flat tire in the middle of the night, so he got home safe. Yeah, my dad says our insurance doesnt have that. What . you can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you™. Liberty mutual insurance. The autobiography ofr professor x. This guys crazy. I said malcolm x, carol. You know, i guess some problems are so systemic you cant solve them in a day. Ive solved racism. I thought about what you all said last night, and it made me realize something. Nothing there is too much sensitivity out there. Well, you know who gets it worse than anyone . Chuck, no white men. People say whatever they want about us. And do we complain . No. We take it with a smile. Of all the things that white men have given society, what are the four greatest . Clarinetbased jazz. I didnt say anything. Closeup magic. Stadium magic. And the roast. The last bastion of free speech in america, where you can say whatever you want he emcees. Have a seat. And i am going to show you how to take a joke. Now, i know youll all need some time to prepare. Im ready. Oh, all right. [chuckles] they say that comedy comes from truth. Well, the truth is that i once saw chuck eating alone at the times square chilis on christmas eve. [laughter] i dont know why chuck isnt a network anchor. [laughing] so true i mean, what does david muir have that chuck doesnt . Besides decades longer to live. [laughter] [laughs] thats funow. Ow, thats funny. I am the same age my father was when he died. Whats the deal with the smell in chucks office . I mean, am i in a nursing home . Am i in a teenagers bedroom . What is going on . [laughter] knock, knock, wayne. Whos there, portia . A white majority. Well, not for long, according to prevailing demographic trends. Come on, guys. Leave chuck alone. He has his struggles like everybody else. Did you know that his feet are a size two . He has to stuff his shoes with an entire newspaper. [laughter] stop it stop. Thats not a joke. Did you know that his hair plugs are poisoning him . [laughter] chuck pierce looks like if you carved a head out of an apple and left it on the radiator. [laughter] so whats this meeting about, anyway . [fake laughs] this is so fun. Thats why im now wearing sunglasses. [sniffs] [sniffs] katie. What are you doing here . I came to apologize. Ive been giving you a really hard time, and i didnt realize im a workaholic too. Yeah. You know, on fridays you always say, tgiama. Thank god its almost monday again. But why does that have to be a bad thing . You know, i love my job, ay for dinner. Im in print. I make 7,000 a year. [shudders] im just saying, why should we feel bad about putting work first . Totally. Yeah, you know, this could be kind of perfect. Im finally with someone who gets it. Yes yes. Okay, so i have to go back to the office, but what are you doing this weekend . Oh, uh, busy this weekend. Were actually having a bake sale to help keep the paper afloat for another week. Yeah, well, next weeks actually bad for me. What about next month . Oh, cant do it. Im actually going deep undercover as Bernie Sanders aunt. Ohh. Cant remember why. Early november looks good. Oh, except for posthalloween midterm elections. Midterm elections. Oh, okay. Okay, i think i found a winner. I will see you february 14, 2019. Ooh, but are we ready to do valentines day . These topics are not funny. Es still plenty you can rib me about my way with animals, how i have the biggest office. I wonder what thats compensating for. [laughter] hey, you know what . I only did all this to help you, and this is the thanks i get . I thought you could take a joke. I can, but these arent jokes, like an asian man slipping on a banana peel. These are hurtful. Like a white man slipping on a banana peel. It makes me feel less than or, uh, other. I dont know what the word for it is. Insensitivity. Exactoh. Okay. Got it. Uh. Is this what youve been complaining about for the past 11 years . All yes. Try 400 years, chuck. Oh, not this again. You know what, wayne, let me tell youoops. Sorry, i hear it. I will, uh, work on it. And every day, the dog walks to its owners grave as a reminder to all humans that hell kill anyone who gets in his way. Chuck . Thanks, portia. Coming up. Eek, eek, ook, ook. But from your veggie burger . A breakdown exclusive when we return. Great job with that story. You really hit it for six. Uh, sorrycricket. Whats an American Sports term . Oh, i dont know. You all right . [sighs] jeremy and i broke up. Its fine. Oh. Yeah, im too busy for human relationships anyway. I gotta go watch 8 hours of Senate Hearings on cspan. Have you ever played the cspan drinking game, where you take a drink every time al franken comes back to steal office supplies. Stop it. I, likei invented that game. You wouldnt wanna watch it with me, would you . Yeah. That sounds fun. You know what, i cant. My cat has a flea problem. She used to date the bassist from red hot chili peppers, and hes still in love with her. Got you. Maybe some other time. Yeah. Yeah. Well, its the last show before christmas, girls. How are you guys gonna spend the holidays . My holiday is gonna be super special this year. Both do tell. Im spending it with my new guy. [ gasps ] so am i. Me too. Whats he like . Well, ill tell you. [ piano playing 60sstyle pop music ] ive got a new man this holiday someone who wont let me down a guy whose eyes always sparkle a man who can show you the town my boyfriend knows when im sleeping he always treats me right all he knows if ive been bad or good but when im naughty, he
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