The nominations for the american journalism awardsng . Are being announced today. Every year we get snubbed, and every year chuck goes berserk on the first person he sees. Last year, it was me. He hit me with a club sandwich. The heaviest sandwich hes here. Mom, no. Hey chuck did you see this is us last night . Spoiler alert i cried sometimes i get confused though. Which ones are in the present timeline, and which one is my reection in the tv . Heavens no we did it, gang we got nominated best Late Afternoon early Evening News Program yes and katie got nominated for that biscuit blitz thing. Good for katie. Wait a minute, im katie yes oh chuck pierce is back on top, baby [cheering] [upbeat news broadcast music] well, i believe a toast is in order. Oh, no thank you. I actually have some news myself. Im pregnant. Oh, thats wonderful so i cant drink [laughing] you know what . Who cares . [chugging] oh. Whoo well, ill make a toast to the best damn team that ever was the Harlem Globetrotters but also to us the breakdown is finally getting the recognition it deserves [all speaking at once] chucks right. And itll be nice for us to get together for something fun, and not another cameraman funeral. About that. Is there room in the budget for a less slippery ladder . No. And a special congratulations to katie, for her solo nomination. [together] thanks, guys. Its such an honor. Oh, im sorry. You go on. Its your award. [together] i couldnt have done it without you. I am so sorry. I just keep talking when im excited, and when im happy, and when im sad, and when i list things okay, mom. Okay. I really just want to say, um. That i. Never mind, i lost it. Oh my god, katie. That was beautiful. [bright music] hey, can i talk to you for a second . Yep, about literally anything except your mother. Just tell me what carol did. Well, nothing yet, but im nervous about the awards. Every time im up for some kind of recognition, my mom has a way of making it all about her. Like when i was on star search. The judges give Katie Wendelson zero stars. And the judges give kanye west four stars kanye, im really happy for you, ima let you finish, but katie had one of the best raps of all time your mother kanyed kanye. These awards are really important to me. Im going to be in the same room as all of my idols. And hobnob ive never hobnobbed before i just dont want to spend the whole night worrying about if shes gonna make a scene. Is that crazy . Whats crazy is that youre even asking. Of course she will anyway, youve got an easy excuse. The interns arent invited. Shes my plus one, and she already freaked out when i said i couldnt get two extra seats. One for angie. One for angies feet when her ankles swell up. Katie, just tell her she cant come. Ah, carol have you met giuseppe, my tailor from italy . Oh, i picked up a little italian when dave and i were in rome last summer. [speaking italian] hes altering the same tux i wore the last time i was nominated for the american journalism award. 20 years ago are you excited for your big night . Excited . Is the lion excited when he takes his rightful place in the pride after a long hunt . No its where he belongs. And all the other lions are like, whoa, where have you been . And hes like, ive been on a cable show. And theyre like, thats cool. We dont think any less of you. And theyre saying all that in roars, or whatever. Oh, so youre gonna have a lot of old friends there. Oh, yeah. All the old network men that i came up with. Like len archer. He is so handsome. Why i used to pretend dave was him when we needed to move things along. Hes getting a Lifetime Achievement award after 35 years of doing the len archer show. Boy, that guy always did it his way. No compromises and he taught me to do the same. Uh, is pepsi okay . They ask me. No its rc cola only, baby hey, hon i want us to look our best when we go onstage for our award. Maybe we should go on a diet where we only eat 1,000 calories combined per day. Ugh i already shotgunned a baked potato, so you cant eat till tuesday. Hey, i actually have to talk to you about the awards. Yeah. Mom, i dont think you can go with me. Oh, okay. I already bought a gown, but i guess i can wear it to the next fancy event im going to. My own funeral. No, no, no, mom. No. Thats not how it is. I need to be completely honest with you. Greg did it. He said i couldnt bring a plus one. He ripped up the ticket and laughed in my face. Hes sick of course sick greg would do that guys did you hear sick greg said no one could bring a plus one . Im sorry, i said what . What the hell, greg . I was gonna bring my babys father to this, once i figure who he or she is. My wife quit her job to go to this can i have one of your hairs . And its not for a curse. Tojust sprinkle in a packet of coHidden Valley ranch and serve up a slice of something delicious. Its time to ranch out with the original, Hidden Valley ranch. That one. This. That one. In the water, in the water you ready for this . She doesnt like it. You gotta get in there okay, okay careful not to get it in her eyes i know what a bath is. Smile honey this thing is like. First kid here we go second kid you coming in mommy . Ahh not a chance by their second kid, every parent is an expert and more likely to choose luvs than first time parents. Luvs with nightlockplus absorbs wetness faster than huggies snug and dry. For outstanding overnight protection at a fraction of the cost. Live, learn and get luvs look at this place hasnt changed a bit except of course, in the day that photo booth was a cigarette machine. And that table was a cigarette machine. Oh, and that guy was a cigarette machine this is such a magical night. All my heroes are here, and since i got nominated, theyre all gonna know my name. It has you listed as kody winklebink. At least you dont have to worry about your mother ruining the night. Shes fine. Here, ill send her a picture so she feels like shes part of the fun. Say aja awards surprise it follows i got hired as a seat filler they dont want empty seats during the broadcast, so when the famous people get up, they hire people like me because we have bodies. Isnt that great . I found a way for us to be together during our award. 134, we need you at another table. I gotta go. There, there. Maybe it wont be as bad as it definitely will be. Wait, werent you in a completely different dress a minute ago . Its an award show, beth. Len archer hey, long time no see. Chuckie pierce been a while. Yeah. Last time they invited you to the ajas, they were serving brontosaurus, you old bag of bones. Oh, come on [laughing] oh, yeah . Well, youre a child molester sorry, too far. I havent ribbed any of my peers for a while, you cool hot guy. Overcorrected. Tough bullseye. So, where are you sitting . Were at table three. Ooh, the legendary table three. This is where woodward and bernstein got the idea to frame nixon greg hey, greg where are we sitting . Yeah, were at table, uh. Toilet. Good thats the one we requested im gladdened by that. We actually have an extra seat. Larry king cant bend enough to sit. His body is mostly jerky now, so if youd like to join us. Sure yeah right . Chuck sorry, youre not going to sit with us . Were celebrating the work we did together. [jazz music] ill tell you what. A compromise. Ill sit there the entire night, but then. Ill see you monday. Okay, lets do it [jazz music] katie katie, look im at chip and chets table i didnt have a good photo of you, so i showed them the one from your dermatologists website. The rash is from where your bra hits oh my god. Kill me. Tell me about it. These things are the worst. Thats not what i meant. Im just frustrated, cause i was really looking forward to tonight, but it hasnt turned out as i expected. Well, what did you expect . I dont know. Finally getting to hobnob with my peers. Smoking a cigar with Rachel Maddow on the hood of her subaru outback. Youve never hobnobbed . Oh well, look. I cant be your first, okay . Thats too much pressure. Oh, dont worry. The bar is really low. If its anything like my other firsts, theres gonna be a space jam dvd menu just playing on loop in the background. Im katie. Jeremy. So what paper do you work for . I dont. I work in cable news. Really . Whats that supposed to mean . Nothing. You seem smart, and cable news is you know, a scourge on society that will usher in the downfall of civilization. Excuse me. Ill have you know that i work for the breakdown. Were like the New York Times of cable news. Well, i work for the New York Times. We are the New York Times of the New York Times. Hi, guys im filling in for chuck. Im chuck i have an estrogen disorder. Dont tell anyone, carol jeez louise why did we get such bad seats . We suck thats why chuck abandoned us chuck did not abandon us. Hes like a dog. Sometimes he gets distracted and he runs off, but hes loyal to us, because were his family. Plus, hell only eat pills if you smush them in a piece of a hot dog. Hey, guys we deserve this nomination. Everyone here respects us, and they think were cool. We ran out of entrees before we got to your table, but theres a vending machine in the lobby. [coins jingle] come on, guys dibs on the certs sit down, 134 this is your final warning im sorry, mr. Petrovian. Its a living. No, its not. You paid to do this. Thats true. Well, the world may have changed, but we never will. Heres to the men that refuse to sell out. Yeah. Hear, hear. No offense, chuck. No, none taken, because i dont understand what youre talking about. Well, im just saying we dont think less of you just because weve always had our own shows, and you havent. But i do have my own show. The breakdown with chuck pierce. And a woman im afraid of. I saw an episode of the breakdown once. You were interviewing pizza rat. Youre telling me thats a call you made . No way pizza rat turned us down. We had to interview a different rat and pretend it was his dad. [laughing] i guess it is pretty funny. It wasnt even the worst guest we ever had. We had on Antonin Scalia ten days after he died [laughing] after he died of course they put us by the toilet the shows a turd im ashamed to be associated with it, and everybody who works on it is a giant loser [laughter] [shutter clicks] you dont think they heard me, do you . Just because cable news is popular doesnt mean that its bad. Some popular things are great like the outback steakhouse, of dwayne the rock johnson. Cable news is popular because its dumb. You take our complex stories and turn them into little tiny soundbites. I did a times piece on a female militia in the kurdish ypg, and cnn reported it as bitches be shooting. Listen, bud. Ive worked for the respect of the people in this room for my entire career, and no one is going to ruin this night for me. Not some New York Times jerk, and not my unhinged seat filler mom, whooh my god, wheres my mom . What . You brought your mother . Yes, and now ive lost her because i was arguing with you, you stupid bastard i have to find her before its too late coming up next, the award for best investigative piece in a onehour news program. Thats my category. Its too late. [announcer] presenting the shark ion flex 2x. The freestanding, cord free vacuum that can live anywhere because it has two rechargeable batteries. That means you can always be charging, even while youre cleaning. With duo clean, multiflex, and powerful suction so you can go, and go, and go again. Welcome to hasslefree runtime with shark. Theres as staying at a magical Disney Resort hotel. So imagine. Complimentary rides to and from the park. Even extra time with your family in the park. And now, create a 6night 7day package, including a select Walt Disney World resort hotel room and Theme Park Tickets for as little as 96 per person per day for a family of four. Seat filler 134 . Have. I cant find her. A seat filler went rogue . Code red, i think we have a runner bring her back, dead or alive were here to present the award for best investigative piece in a onehour news program. Theyre announcing my award and i cant find my mom. I know shes gonna do something embarrassing. And the winner for best investigative piece in a onehour news program is [together] laura demassey, frontline oh no, i lost. Im sorry, katie. You deserved that award. Who cares . My mothers gonna kanye laura demassey was the producer and subject of her frontline piece my battle with slow bones disease. Come on, lady. Just say thank you and get off. Slow bones disease affects nearly zero people every year. [slowly] websters. Dictionary. Defines. Oh, god. The jaw is a bone proud. [orchestra plays] its over its over my mom didnt do anything she missed my award wait, my mom missed my award . Ladies and gentlemen, the edward r. Murrow Lifetime Achievement award. This is len archer, reporting live from the la riots. Live from the berlin wall. Live from the chilean mine where 33 men remain trapped. How have you been holding up . [speaking spanish] hes got a good point. Now thats the career of a man who never sold out if i stood my ground like you did, i could be hosting the chuck pierce show right now. Youre lucky, len. You get to retire knowing you went out on top. Retire . Never youre not retiring . The len archer show is ending on television they said i wasnt getting the ratings anymore, and they wanted me to share a desk with a young cohost. I told them no way nobody tells len archer how to do the len archer show thats why were moving over to youtube red, and the show will stay exactly the way its always been. Plus, theres these teen boys who prank me while i read the news. Excuse me. Wait, what . Tensions rise in the middle east as turkey urges iraqi kurds to [ping pong balls bouncing] [screaming] we have had a very cleara very clear policy. [farts] that len. What a legend. A legend . Hes letting teens fart on him at least you retired with your dignity. I didnt retire im the host of the embassy nightly news. No, youre not lester holt is no, not the nbc nightly news, the embassy nightly news at Embassy Suites im on the menu channel when you first turn on your tv in your hotel room this just in, room service ends at 10, but there is a dennys within walking distance. No. No. Harold, surely you oh, the harold bauer news hour is still going strong. Oh, thank god. Only now were over on the chiller network, and they wanted the crypt keeper to be my cohost. But i said no, and then they said, well then, we wont pay you. And i said fine, so now im doing the show for free. But i didnt compromise. Ladies and gentlemen, len archer. This is probably the proudest moment of my life. When i started in the broadcasting business about 35what . No. God, no. Not now. Boys, not now. Not here please, boys mom or is it rita morenos younger, hotter sister . Where have you been . They Just Announced my award. I lost. Oh, no. Im so sorry, sweetie. I guess i was so busy getting ready for my award i missed yours. What . Your award . Well, the breakdown is up for an award, and i work for it, so im up for it too. I cant believe it. Its the first time in my life ive ever been recognized for anything. Its cool, huh . Wait, so okay. When you kept saying our award, you actually meantoh, boy. I get it katie, you thought that carol was gonna make your night all about her. But actually, you made her night all about you. What a funny miscommunication okay, so i want to go up onstage with everyone. So im hiding out here until our categorys announced, okay . Dont tell mr. Petrovian. I wont. But greg might have. There she is. Come with me. Thanks for the tip, maam. If it werent for you, this seat filler would have gotten to enjoy the show. Katie . Youre like so mean to your mom. And you look amazing. Lyt dates. Comfortable. Azing. When your vneck looks more like a uneck. Thats when you know its halfwashed. Add downy to keep your collars from stretching. Unlike detergent alone, downy conditions to smooth. And strengthen fibers. So, dont halfwash it. Downy and its done. Hey steve check out this guys leg. Yeah looks like a real nasty moving back in with his parents. What . No. I just broke my leg. No, this is a full blown move in to the basement, youre gonna be out of work without that money from. Aflac you might miss your rent. Aww i just moved out. Bummer man. Hey i used to have my own place. Yeah . No, no i live with my mom, but its cool. Health can change but the life you love doesnt have to, keep your lifestyle healthy with. Aflac Nosy Neighbor with a glad bag, full of trash. What happens next . Nothing. Only glad has febreze to neutralize odors for 5 days. Guaranteed. Even the most perceptive noses wont notice the trash. Be happy. Its glad. The amazing new iphone 8 is at at t. And we know youll love it. Because we know you want more. More great camera features and more power. And more than just unlimited data, we give you unlimited plans with hbo included for life. Because you deserve more entertainment. And more spokespeople. Talking like this, saying the word more. At t. Its time for more. Am i too close . I feel like im too close. Get the iphone 8 and with all at t unlimited plans, get hbo for life. Only from at t. Alrighpeanut butter filled, got plaincheese dusted. Plain. Great. So what are we gonna watch . Show me fall tv. Only xfinity x1 brings you the best handselected picks this fall. Ill be a good seat filler. Le silence, 134. Petrovian. The only seat youll be filling is the electric seat stop stop let her go shes my plus one wait, you said you didnt get a plus one. I lied. Check the list. Its on there under Katie Wendelson, or kody winklebink. She is a guest. I am so sorry. Please, please forgive me. Your friends wont save you next time, seat rat. So you lied to me, and then you tried to get me kicked out . What the heck, katie . Im sorry. I was afraid you were gonna embarrass me. Embarrass you . When have i ever embarrassed you . Star search, prom, dentist, ninth grade, mall, mall, mall, mall, bra, mall. It doesnt matter. I was just so focused on my big night that i assumed you were too. It didnt even occur to me that you might be excited for your own reasons. Im just so used to seeing you as my mom that i forgot that you have your own feelings and your own dreams, cause youre your own person i dont know why thats so hard for me to remember. Oh, its okay, pumpkin. Oh, im sorry about star search. Its just so hard seeing your baby disappointed. Youll understand one day when you have a daughter. Or a son. All right, mom. Come on. Lets go back to our table. Theyre about to announce your award. Hey, gang. Hows tricks . Oh, im sorry. Is somebody talking . Yeah, chuck. But im still mad, so im not gonna talk to him. And the nominees for best Late Afternoon early Evening News Program are. The breakdown with chuck pierce and portia scottgriffith. This is it everybody ready to go on stage . I wouldnt get my hopes up, carol. The face of our show called us losers, were at table toilet, and my certs were rotten. Well, i believe were gonna win. And if you dont, im gonna believe enough for all of us now chins up, turkeys [upbeat instrumental music] and the winner is. Chip and chets spring break [cheers and applause] [indistinct shouting] oh, its okay, katie. I was stupid to think i deserved to be recognized. [lounge music] yo, chip and chet, im really happy for you. Ima let you finish, but the breakdown deserved this award. We work so hard especially my mom she works her little butt off, and this should go to her, not to you guys for some stupid spring break special. Wait, what did you guys do exactly on spring break . You saved a bunch of refugee women from syria. Okay. Im gonna give that back to you then. Sorry for what youve been through. Not so fast, sweetheart. Im chuck pierce from the breakdown. I used to be embarrassed by that, but now i see just how lucky i am. Lucky to have a coanchor who keeps me relevant. Lucky to have producers, and editors, and whatever the jewish guy does i think hes the basketball coach . The point is, the breakdown may not be my show, but its our show and i think we do a damn good job thats like the nicest thing hes ever said. Yeah. Hey, should we get out of here before they call the cops . Yep. We got a camera guy, fell off a ladder. Hes wearing a i just want to say kanye hasnt made any good music since hes had kids. [laughter] oh, cool, cool, cool. Youre still here. Great, so i guess you saw you upstage a bunch of refugee women. Yes, yes. I dont know if you caught their speech, but they said it was the worst thing thats ever happened to them. Thank you. For a second, i almost forgot that i humiliated myself in front of every person ive ever looked up to. Oh, someone always makes a fool of themselves at the ajas. Last year, bill oreilly got his tongue stuck to a female Ice Sculptures butt. Oh yeah. You know so in a way, you proved that you belong here like anyone else. Okay, well thank you. Sorry i ruined a perfectly good hobnob. Oh, well. Hobnob, hobnob, linkedin, hobnob. Hey, you know while were hobnobbing, should we Exchange Business cards . Oh, yeah. I got this off a website for free business cards, so ignore the ad on the back for biodegradable female condoms. Pardon me, have you seen a teen boy dressed as an attractive woman, holding a pair of tuxedo pants . No. Damn it caden, i need my pants i cant go home to my wife like this not again hi. Welcome to the firehouse 51 family, hope jacquinot. Whats going on . I was hoping that youd be happy. I just got a call from fowlerton. Did you know that your friend hope stole ten grand from her last boss . That rope rescue was like nothing ive ever seen, which is why ive recommended you for a meritorious promotion. Congratulations, captain casey. 400. Replica. Eh, youre better off picking up at navy pier for pocket change. Okay . Heh, yeah, youre very welcome. Uh, hi. Im gabriela dawson. I called the other day. Im with the fire department. Gabriela dawson. If you dont mind me saying, this one took some shoe leather. I hope it wasnt too much trouble. Are you kidding . Its just the kind of challenge i live for