Transcripts For WUSA The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20170106

Like what . This failing bomb will never explode sad make america glow again announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen welcomes adam driver, alexa davalo, and musicadl guest whitney, featurg jon batiste and stay human and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey how are ya . good to see ya cheers and applause thank you very much cheers and applause please have a seat youre too kind. Whoo welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Man, winter is here. Jon its here. Stephen everybody okay . Everybody warm enough . Jon yeah. Stephen its freezing. Its like siberia out there, and not just because our new leader is vladimir putin. laughter speaking of which everybodys saying that russia hacked our election, so, today, senator john mccain held a hearing with the heads of the intelligence community. Mccain me it clear the purpose of the hearing was to investigate cyber security, and not to, question the outcome of the president ial election. Yes, nobodys questioning the outcome. Just questioning why god lets bad things happen to great nations. What did we do . were sorry were sorry applause reporters asked if mccain has shared his concerns about russia with the president elect. Senator mccain, have you determined why the president elect doesnt share the same concerns about russia as many republicans like yourself on capitol hill . No, i dont know. I havent talked to him. Stephen yeah, hasnt caulked to him. Mccains just chairman of the Senate Armed Services committee. Trumps talking to the important people, like senator kanye. laughter stephen and at the hearing today, every head of the u. S. Intelligence agencies testified that russia was unequivocally behind the election hack. Till now, trump has beencies, up trusting wikileaks founder and middleaged draco malfoy, julian assange. But this morning trump tried to distance himself from assange, tweeting, the Dishonest Media likes saying that i am in agreement with julian assange. Wrong. I simply state what he states, it is for the people. deep breath . To make up their own minds as to the truth. The media lies to make it look like i am against intelligence when in fact i am a big fan yes, big fan super fan super fan yes, donald trump loves intelligence and you know what they say, if you love something, let it go. laughter thats true leadership. I just type any claim you hear and let people decide swhat true billy told me if a boy and a girl touch butts, the girl gets pregnant. True . You decide sad ht stephen not true. Thats not true, jon. Thats not how it works. Youve got to shake hands, too. Or do circle dot cootie shot, youre fine. Jon i thought it was the stork that comes out. Stephen you believe the stork thing . Jon yeah. Stephen no, theyre extinct. Jon wow. Stephen its sad. laughter but where were we . Oh, trump. But heres whats also weird about trumps assange tweet. He tweeted the first part of thenis se tencat 8 25 a. M. , but finished the thought 20 minutes later. laughter how can he have plan for america when he doesnt have a plan for the end of the sentence . Mr. Trump, its time to get off twitter and stop being such a whiny mother. Ill finish that word in about twenty minutes. laughter applause but enough about the hacking of our democracy, lets get to the big news. Former American Idol runnerup, bo bice, says he was called white boy at popeyes. That is shocking. The only appropriate time to call someone white boy is when youre instructing them to play that funky music. play that funky music thats as funky as i can get. I can funk one word hey jon yeah stephen really good song. Based on a true story. laughter apparently, bice was in the Atlanta Airport waiting for his order at popeyes im going to say butterfly shrimp tacklebox when, according to bice, the three ladies behind the counter asked whose food it was. Just when i turned around, one of them said that white boy. if tables had been turned and i used something as insensitive like that, i would be boycotted. People wouldnt buy my albums. And i dont even want to imagine a world where people dont buy bo bice albums. laughter no bice is upset, but its hard to tell. And the fact that ive got to sit on tv and come down a notch and look like a petty little brat by tweeting and facebooking this just to open up dialog so we can have an adult conversation is ridiculous and america, you should be ashamed. Stephen yeah, america. laughter all of you should be ashamed of what three women working at popeyes did how dare all of you force bo bice to look like a petty little brat by tweeting and facebooking and going on tv to cry i mean, what other choice did he have . Not be on tv . No you know what . Heres what upsets me most you people at popeyes should know his name. Thats bo bice. Youre at a popeyes. You should call him something fun like red beans and bice or bo biscuits or the american frydol now, i am white and i am a boy. Im about the whitest boy youre ever going to meet. John, have you met anybody whiter than me . Jon yeah, i think i know somebody. Stephen who . Jon a guy i grew up with. Stephen whats his name. Jon andy. Stephen you know andy, jon yeah. Stephen we meet at the white meeting. Yeah, i know andy. laughter i just want to say, popeyes, call me whatever you want white boy, nino blanco, commander mayonnaise whatever andy just whenever my order is ready, get the butterfly shrimp into the chew hole laughter speaking of white boys, utah. Any utah fans here . one or two cheering stephen thats about right. Are there any porn fans here . cheering well, brace yourself, because utah state senator todd weiler has announced a bill that will give people the ability to sue pornographers, in an attempt to prove that watching their product causes emotional and psychological damage. Finally, its wellknown that porn causes psychological damage. Mostly for the pizza delivery guy, who just wants to do his job and deliver the pie. Ladies, for the last time, its not a euphemism extra sausage is just a topping senator weiler says the porn industry is a public menace and should be open to lawsuits because, right now, porn is available without any warnings and labeling. Its true. It is time to label porn how else will people find mature redheads on farm equipment, or sexy lady blacksmiths . Point is, if this bill passes, people will be able to sue the porn industry for damages, and lawyers are already standing by to help. I saw this ad today. Let me see if ive still got it on the old t bill. Hi there. Has this happened the to you . Youre enjoying a classic film about sorority slut house only porn and you suffer Emotional Trauma . Weve all been there sometimes three or four times a day. You need to call galino and farns. Our trial attorneys are trained to deal with all types of pornography. Including thermal inversion. The zwxscorpions reunion to. Big bang theory. Girl on girl. Uy. Duck on horse. Mustard on hot dog. And of course, malcolm in the middle. So pick up the phone with your free hand, dont master wait. Call today pornography attorneys 180069 stephen yeah weve got a great show for tonight. Adam driver is here so stick around. You totanobodys hurt, new car. But there will still be pain. It comes when your Insurance Company says theyll only pay threequarters of what it takes to replace it. What are you supposed to do . Drive threequarters of a car . Now if you had Liberty Mutual new car replacement™, youd get your whole car back. I guess they dont want you driving around on three wheels. Smart. With Liberty Mutual new car replacement™, well replace the full value of your car. Liberty stands with you™. Liberty mutual insurance. Ever tryou get hungry good, just thinking about it . At red lobsters big festival of shrimp, get your perfect pair for just 15. 99. Choose 2 of 6 new and classic shrimp creations, like bold new firecracker red shrimp. Exploding with flavor . Yeah they are. Or try new creamy shrimp linguini, and new sweet bourbonbrown sugar grilled shrimp. Flavors like these are big. And for just 15. 99, they cant last. So hurry in. What ari can explain. S 11pm. You should be out there disappointing your father. I need to clean this place up. Bloopy, bad judgement and loopy. Hunger keeps inventing new problems, so we invented snickers® crisper. Its just a cough. Our cough, sfx woman coughing youd see how often you cough all day. And so would everyone else. Robitussin 12 hour delivers fast, powerful cough relief that lasts up to 12 hours. Robitussin 12 hour cough relief, because its never just a cough. Fios is not cable. Were wired differently. So were offering incredibly fast 150 meg internet, hurry, freddy, youre gonna miss it coming. I cant believe he is doing this. Its so fast that in the 3. 7 seconds it takes gary watson to beat the local sled jump record, held by gary watson. Fly, gary, fly. His friend can download 13 different versions of the perfect song. His sister can live stream it. While his mom downloads how to se a dislocated shoulder, all at the same time. Gary. This is your last chance to get incredibly fast 150 meg internet, tv and phone for just 79. 99 per month online for the first year,. Hurry, this amazing offer ends january 21st visit getfios. Com or call 1888getfios to learn more. Thats 150 meg internet, tv and phone for 79. 99 per month. Only from fios. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody thank you, ladies and gentlemen cheers and applause say hi to jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause jon hey hey stephen jon, quick question we were talking before the break about your friend andy. Do you ever still talk to him . Yeah, yeah, occasionally when i go back to new orleans, i see him. Stephen okay. Hi i will. But you know him, so you can say hi, too. Stephen yeah, we just we had a falling out. Oh you dont talk anymore . Stephen we dont talk anymore. I heard he was whiter than i am and it upset me. Jon sorry about that. Thats how it goes. Stephen thats all right, not your fault. My first guest tonight has worked with steven spielberg, jj abrams, jim jarmusch, Martin Scorsese, and now Stephen Colbert. Please welcome adam driver cheers and applause stephen welcome back thanks. Stephen nice to see you again. Had you on last year. Had a really nice time. Thank you for coming back. Yeah. Stephen one of the things i learned last time when you when these guys were there. Yeah. Stephen theyve told us some stories about you since you were here last time, and these guys say and this is right you were known for making your classmates cry thats partly true. Stephen what part of it is crew, the crying part . Yeah. Stephen why . I mean, well, not purposefully. I had just come right out of the military so stephen you were a marine as some people may not know. I was in the marine corps. cheers and applause and youre just used to yo talkg to people in a different way than in the civilian world, and i had to tone it down a bit and realize the stakes arent always that high. Like if someone uses your yoga mat and gets ass sweat on your yoga mat, its no reason to ream them out for it. Stephen actually, i think that is a reason to ream somebody out. Ass sweat on but you were intense. You can say that in a respectful way. Stephen what is the respectful way . Dont get your ass sweat on my yoga mat, please. Stephen thats very nice. Yeah. Stephen you also do something called you have a noneprofit called arts in the armed forces. Whats that . We do contemporary theater for the military audience. Thats how i heard of jon through the channels at school, but he did one of our first performances where he took two or threeminute speeches from contemporary american plays and we just read it for military audiences. Its not militarythemed in any way. Stephen with the u. S. O. , active duty people . It is for active duty veterans and veterans and their families and we just perform plays. Now were kind of reading plays all over. Been to walter reed, bethesda, the over the world and the United States. Its like raising money for an arts nonprofit is pretty difficult. Stephen yeah, challenging. But its a good challenge when you try to convince a military audience or any audience a play is important. Its kind of taken off in the past few years in a really great way. Stephen thats great. Thank you very much. applause now, youve actually got two movies out now which are both getting great notices. Silence with Martin Scorsese and paterson with jim jarmusch. Very different to work with, those two guys. Yeah, different projects. Stephen well totally different projects, and as directors, no wrong answer, whos better . Jim scorsese. You know, theyre both difficult. Scorsese is someone ive always wanted to work with ever since i he probably doesnt want to hear that because hes older. laughter stephen thats the part he didnt want to hear, for the record. But jim is the same. Not only his movies, but who he is as a person is kind of amazing, if youve met him. Stephen i would love to. But both are equally different projects and equally different people and they the value of them is hard to kind of quantify. Stephen now, in silence you play a 17th century jesuit priest yeah. Stephen who goes to japan to try to find liam neeson. Hes another missionary priest, all right, who i assume has been taken by the japanese. Yeah, right. laughter stephen who has a particular set of skills which include the seven sacraments. laughter and this is closed japan where no westerners were allowed in . Yeah, it basically go certain pointy where they felt their political identity was lost and they wanted to recapture it. So all the temples that were there were destroyed and turned into churches and all these christians, suddenly, nagasaki was kind of known as the rome of the east because christianity and catholicism kind of spread like wildfire and some of the people there, the showguns, didnt see their country anymore and eradicated it forcefully from the country. Stephen in the movie, you are with other christian japanese who are being tested in your faith, and we have a clip here of yall being tested in your faith by being forced to trample an image of christ to prove that you arent a christian. Right. Stephen and you and garfield have different opinions as to what the response should be to this. Mmhmm. Te we are forced to trample on the lord. You must pray for courage. But if we do not do what they want, there can be danger for every christian. They can be put in prison, they will be there forever. What should we do . Trample. Trample. Its all right to trample. What are you saying . You cant. cheers and applause stephen now, you also some people may not know this, youre also in this little thing called star wars. cheers and applause and you play a monkish yeah. Stephen first of all, im sorry for the loss of your friend and colleague carry fisher. Oh, yeah. Stephen we had her on before christmas and she was a delight to have on. It was an honor to talk to her. What was she like to work with on set . Was she fun . Yeah, as you can tell from meeting her, she burns very bright and has such a great, very Generous Energy for that suddenly not to be on set, and we are talking about it and publicity or in life when you see her in a star wars event or anywhere, shes just you know, to have her character, not just in the movie, but her character missing from that very small unit is a tragedy. Stephen well, ikn installment of the movie . We finished the second one last summer. I think the last time i saw her was on set being princess leia. Stephen were you a fan of these movies growing up . I was. Stephen i was an enormous fan. I saw a preview and i was very excited. I love your lightsaber with the handle. Yes, right. Stephen im a big defender of the lightsaber. You articulated it better than anyone else. Stephen because i believe in it. I got to have a lightsaber or a laser sword he calls it with george lucas which was very exciting. Do you thumb wrestle . I do, yeah. Stephen would you be willing to thumb wrestle me with light sabers . Yes cheers and applause stephen just put it on the thumb. Im missing two stephen its an older you want to put it on the top so i wil wont have an advantage or you. Ready . Yeah, but youre putting stephen what are you doing . Put it right in the middle right here . Do we have a setup here . Do we have a shot at it . There you go. One two three four. One two three four. lightsaber sounds one two three four, now you start a thumb war burks again. Thats it, right . Stephen slightly different. Ready . One, two, three, four, now we start a star war saber sounds cheers and applause adam. Just be honest. Im not going to make you cry, am i . laughter well be right back with more adam driver. Stick around. cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen all right did you let me win . Stephen did i let you win . Yes. I let you win. Were back with adam driver. And, youre from a small town in indiana, right . I am. Stephen where . Mosmishawaka. Stephen do you still think of yourself as a smallow yes. Stephen how did it shape you . My first job was as a dishwasher im trying to remember the name of it, beeger mansion. I went to beeger middle school. Theyre probably related. Stephen there was a rich guy named beeger at one point. The schools and the mansions. They usually go hand in hand. I was a dishwasher. That was my first job in mishawaka. Stephen were you good at it . No, i was bad at it. I overthought it. Stephen you overthought it . Yeah, this is not clean enough, i have to do it again. laughter stephen we love small towns at the late show. We love to do Community Calendar. Ive seen that. Stephen like in monroe, michigan, where we talk about events in small towns because small towns are just as important as big towns in america. They are. I wish you would do one on mishawaka. Stephen you dont have to wish, because its time for mishawaka, indianas Community Calendar cheers and applause welcome to Community Calendar, your source for whats happening in and around mishawaka, indiana and the greater michiana bistate michiarea. Joining me is local boy made good or bad, depending on which movie youre watching adam driver. And . Thank you, stephen. You know what they say, you can take the man out of mishawaka, but the spirit of this town is something you cant mishawakaway from. applause stephen they do indeay lets get right to the actual events that are happening this month in the greater mishawaka metroplex. Adam . On january 20, the Niles Elks Club will be hosting their monthly fish fry. They will be serving whitefish, baked potato, and coleslaw. Its all part of their ongoing culinary series, foods that are white. laughter stephen for you athletes, stop by st. Patricks county park next wednesday for the crosscountry skiing. Cross country skiing all the excitement of downhill skiing with none of the excitement. laughter on january 16, come on out to saint joseph public library, where local attorneys will be providing free legal advice to the public. Heres a preview go with a lawyer who doesnt hang out at the library giving free advice. Stephen next thursday, teach the kids about nature with an outdoor class at bendix woods. County park. Students will examine animal group the mystery skull belongs to. Im going to guess hitchhiker. laughter also on january 8, Ferrettie Baugo creek county park will host an afternoon of innertubing. But remember, sleds and toboggans are not permitted. Did you hear that, chad . Keep your bleep toboggan out of baugo creek if i catch you down there with a sled, zipping around like a maniac and endangering those precious children, next month, they will be identifying your skull at bendix woods county park. cheers and applause stephen head on down to the Elkhart County History Museum on january 18 for their event, Elkhart Countys top ten moments in history, numbers five through one. Spoiler alert the number one moment is the time they did numbers ten through six. On sunday, honor the legacy of the Legendary David Bowie with a concert featuring more than a dozen local and Regional Artists performing bowies iconic songs. Performers will be dressed as bowie so be warned you will be seeing the outline of your choir teachers junk. Ground control to major schlong. laughter stephen next sunday, everyone is invited to an actors workshop in goshen. Aspiring actors are encouraged to bring a monologue to perform, and aspiring mimes are reminded not to. Take note, mishawakans, the oakwoods resort has announced new seasonal hours for the pier restaurant and bar. Until april 2, the pier restaurant and bar will be closed mondays, tuesdays, and wednesdays. Stephen but dont forget on thursdays, lunch will be available from 11 00 until 5 00, and Dinner Service will begin at 5 00 through 8 30, with the bar remaining open until 10 00 p. M. And of course, on fridays and saturdays at the pier, lunch can be enjoyed from 11 00 until 5 00, with dinner being served at 5 00 until 9 30, and the bar staying open until 11 30. Stephen true, but be aware that on sundays, lunch will be available from 11 00 to 3 00, at which time the pier restaurant and bar will cease operating, until tuesday afternoon at 3 00 p. M. I hear its a great place. Have you ever been, adam . No, they never seem to be open. Stephen that does it for the mishiwaka Community Calendar. applause if you want more information about any of these events, go to them and chad, i swear to god, keep that toboggan at home or the only place youll be sliding to is pain country. Stephen silence opens nationwide next friday. Adam driver, everybody well be right back with Alexa Davalos. cheers and applause they gave me the opportunity to support myself from being on the streets. I want to do a pay it forward, pay for the next person. Wow, that is very awesome. So if ydead battery,t tire, need a tow or lock your keys in the car, geicos emergency roadside assistance is there 24 7. Oh dear, i got a flat tire. Hmmm. Uh. Yeah, can you find a take where its a bit more dramatic on that last line, yeah . Yeah i got it right here. Someone help me i have a flat tire well its good. Good for me. What do you think . Geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. Anything with a screen is a tv. Stream 130 live channels. Plus 40,000 on demand tv shows and movies, all on the go. You can even download from your x1 dvr and watch it offline. Only xfinity gives you more to stream to any screen. Download the xfinity tv app today. cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody my next guest stars in the amazon prime drama, the man in the high castle. Please welcome, Alexa Davalos cheers and applause stephen nice to meet you nice to meet you. There are a lot of people here. Stephen there are a lot of people here. There are about 500 people here and there are many more in that little box out there. Thats good. Stephen people may not know this, this is your First Time Ever on a talk show. Yeah, can you tell . cheers and applause i would not if you hadnt told me, especially since the show is such a congratulations on that. Thank you. Stephen the first season, people were very interested in it, but the Second Season has just exploded. Everybody i know is saying i have to watch the show, and the third season has just been announced. True. Stephen and picture everybody in their underwear, by the way, just to calm you down. This is better, especially up there. Its good. Stephen yeah. In the balcony you can imagine a crotch shot. Very nice. A lot of them. Stephen for people who may not know what a man in the high castle is, phillip is the japanese and the germans beat america till the axis powers won and split the United States up. Yeah. Stephen and your character lives in the japanese occupied part of the United States. First. And Second Season has to plead for asylum. Stephen dick writer and its a strange series with not only an alternate reality for americas future even though this takes place in the 1960s, but possible multiple realities going on at once. Do you understand the show youre in . Yes, i do. I do. Stephen yeah . Yeah. We dont have enough time. Stephen i have all the time in the world. Im not going anywhere, alexa davalo. Do you understand it because you yourself have multiple personalities . I might. Stephen you grew up in los angeles, new york, london and paris. Are you a spy . I might be. Stephen you would make a good spy. Thank you very much. Stephen i heard you speak french alexa davalo speaking french stephen turns out tim 100 irish. [ irish accent . Then well stay stephen your parents are artists . Artist parents cant make up their mind. Stephen would you want your children to live all the over the world . One city and one home, i would like to give them that but i cant fathom it. We were never in the same place longer than three weeks. My poor mom packed and unpacked. Stephen were you running from the police . Three weeks is nothing. Yeah, she might have been. Its possible. Stephen how long did you live in is it paris . Yeah. Stephen how long did you live in paris . Predominantly till i was about six or seven, then we spent every summer in europe. We would go back and forth. There was never a consistent schedule. Stephen when youre over there, are you french enough for the french to believe youre french . Yes, thank god. Stephen because thats hard. They can sus that out. Speaking french with your american passport, thats a thing. Stephen because americans dont speak other languages. Apparently not. laughter stephen when you talk about the show where america has been defeated by the axis powers, some people are disturbed, almost as if its like a horror movie when they see a swastika on an american flag. Whats that like to talk about when youre doing press tours . Do you ever feel people feel the show is a violation of our National Identity . Absolutely. First, americans are not used to seeing americans lose. We have a very americancentric kind of stephen it is the greatest country on earth. Right. cheers and applause stephen it is the greatest country on earth. So, but elsewhere, you know, in other parts of the world, that isnt necessarily the case. Stephen then why do they leave there to come here, alexa we could ask them all, but im not sure. laughter but that is a weird thing, seeing that in the show. I think thats what makes it so intriguing, this idea of what if america wasnt this america. Stephen what if this america wasnt what if we needed to make America Great again, for instance . What if. Stephen laughter stephen that fantasy world. We need 20 more minutes if were going to go there. Stephen we might need to. The movie takes place in the 60s. Its a bit of time travel. Right. Stephen if theres any time in the 20th century you could live, when would it be . 1930s in paris. Stephen why . I would be a novelist and paint by day is that so in the 1930s, youre in paris and you would paint. And i would write a novel or two. Stephen you know what you would have to do you have to tell me. Stephen you would have to kill hitler. Have yohave you never had a time machine . I would do that first. Stephen if you ever get time, please, kill hitler. Then ill write a novel. Stephen and theyll make a series about it on amazon. They will. Stephen the man in the high castle available on amazon right now. Alexa davalos everybody well be right back with a performance by whitney. cheers and applause ziploc presents cafeteria chaos. School lunch can be difficult. One little struggle. Can lead to one monumental mishap. Not with ziploc easy open tabs. Because life needs ziploc. Sc johnson. catchy up eat music so tasty. Been trying to prepare for this day. And im still not ready. The reason im telling you this is that there will be moments in your life that. Youll never be ready for. Your little girl getting married being one of them. cheers and applause how do they make starburst taste so juicy . They use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] its about to get juicy. Whoo i feel so aliii. It takes guts. Rst. Unexplainably juicy. Stephen my next guests started playing music in their chicago apartment and tonight make their television debut. Here to perform golden days, please welcome whitney. cheers and applause n p oh, dont you save me from hangin on i tell myself what we had is gone and after all t put ya through i get knocked out like i never knew it kept me real til im moving on but you cant leave feeling like you did no wrong its a shame i cant get it together now its a shame we cant get it together now cause im aching but i fell right in when you gave me up those golden days snuck away from us lately ive been close but im up to trouble hanging on it kept me real til im movin on but ya cant leave feeling like you did no wrong its a shame i cant get it together now its a shame we cant get it together now cause im searching for those golden days cause im searching for those golden days nananananana nananananana nananananana nananananana nananananana nananananana nananananana nananananana cheers and applause stephen whitney, everybody cheers and applause theyre album life on the lake is out now. Well be right back cheers and applause fios is not cable. Were wired differently. That means incredibly fast 150 meg internet. So in the 3. 7 seconds it takes gary watson to beat the local sled jump record fly, gary, fly. His friend can download 13 different versions of the perfect song. His sister can live stream it. While his mom downloads how to set a dislocated shoulder, get 150 meg internet, tv and phone for just 79. 99 per month online for the first year. Only from fios. Stephen hey, thats it for the late show, everybody tune in tomorrow when my guests will be charlie rose, hayden panettiere, and jack maxwell. Now stick around for james corden and his guests, jamie foxx and kirsten dunst. Good night cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show ladies and