Transcripts For WUSA The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20161209

Number 24, i can be a better boyfriend. Number 23, im sorry i backed over your cat. Im not drinking anymore. And if we do get back together, these are the top activities we would do. Number 25, get you a new cat. Number 24, go out for drinks with your friends who no longer talk to me. Thats right, im drinking again and drinks brings us to our number one album of the year, beyonces lemonade. Shows top albums of 2016. Call me karen, please announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen welcomes Octavia Spencer, comedian john mulane and musical guest travis scott, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york cheers and applause . Stephen hey thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much welcome to the late show, everybody. I am your host, Stephen Colbert, and check ones calendar because right now we are 43 days from the inauguration, and donald trump continues to fill out his cabinet. Watching trump pick these people is like watching your nana get a spongebath; you know it has to yesterday, trump named scott pruitt, Oklahoma Attorney general and sworn enemy of the e. P. A. , to be the head of the whats the word . The e. P. A. I would change my phone number, or else hes going to get some pretty angry calls from himself. There is a trend of trump appointing people to head things theyre against. Im looking forward to Surgeon General joe camel. cheers and applause stop it stop piano riff this is the nicest audience i think that weve ever had. Very lovely people. So what kind of e. P. A. Head will pruitt be . Well, hes repeatedly explained that he thinks the states are in the best position to regulate local industries. Makes sense. If missouri dumps chemicals into you stop at the Arkansas State line. Youre on your honor, okay . No further jon stop at the line, boy stephen look, mister laughter trump also appointed w. W. E. Billionaire and woman whos always in the front row of aqua aerobics, linda mcmahon, to lead the Small Business administration, which is a course, stands for wee wittle enterpwise. laughter piano riff i think its great that were bringing wrestling into the Trump Administration because, when the jabronis in congress try to block trumps agenda, lindas going to reach for the folding chair. laughter diamond cutter listen up laughter for now, trumps still living in trump tower, which is costing the city of new york 500,000 a day in extra security. Hes not even president yet and trumps already done the impossible made it more expensive to live in new york. laughter to cover the cost, mayor bill de blasio has asked the u. S. Government for 35 million, but Congress Says theyll only pay 7 million. On new york city taxpayers, which, fun fact, does not include donald trump. laughter as far as we know. audience reacts booing we dont know. We dont know. Ugh stephen this week, trump to start planning his inauguration, mark burnet, the reality tv producer behind shows like the apprentice, survivor, and the peoples choice awardspeoples choice, technically this year, was Hillary Clinton. cheers and applause doesnt matter. Still going to be president. And in the meeting, burnett suggested Inauguration Day start with a parade up fifth avenue what . No. We just had the thanksgiving day parade. We dont need to watch another bloated cartoon dragged down the street. cheers and applause that was a pretty good balloon, wasnt it . Jon yeah, thats a good and why hold a trump parade here in manhattan when Hillary Clinton won 87 of the vote . Thats like holding a gay pride parade in mike pences backyard. Makes no sense. applause now, for some people, its been hard dealing with the trump victory, but, in these tough times, its important to look for inspiration wherever you can find it, most Inspiring Team in the n. F. L. , the Cleveland Browns. cheering yeah. If you dont like football, you might be a Cleveland Browns fan because they are currently 012. They have not won a single game this season. So, technically, i am as good of a Football Team as the Cleveland Browns right now. applause we have the same record. Announced yesterday that plans for a Cleveland Browns perfect season parade are moving forward. Thats right. If the Cleveland Browns can manage to lose every single game this season, the city will throw them a parade. Yeah never say die jon now thats a thought applause stephen its like the old saying life gives you lemons, those lemons probably play football better than the Cleveland Browns. This is one parade i can get behind. Im rooting for the Cleveland Browns to lose all their remaining games. Come on, fellas you cant do it leave it all in the locker room and then go out there and give it 10 . . Weve got a great show for you tonight. Octavia spencer is here cheers and applause but when we return, well show you the top rejected holiday cards. Stick around. Whoo cheers and applause lips appear to age faster than other skin. No worries now theres chapstick total hydration. Its 100 natural, agedefying formula is clinically proven to provide healthier, more youthful looking lips. Chapstick. Put your lips first. Hey barbie do you have anything i can borrow for the Holiday Party . P ready to eat my dust . Too bad i already filled up on raisins. Kelloggs raisin bran. Deliciously heart healthy. I thought my bladder leakage has allowed me to fully engage in my life and im meeting people. Unlike the bargain brand, depend fitflex underwear is more flexible to move with you. Reconnect with the life youve been missing. Get a free sample at depend. Com. Reconnect with the life youve been missing. Jack be nimble, jack be quick, jack knocked over a candlestick onto the shag carpeting. And his pants ignited into flames, causing him to stop, drop and roll. Luckily jack recently had geico help him with renters insurance. Because all his belongings went up in flames. And now has new pants he ordered from banana republic. Visit geico. Com just press clean and let roomba from irobot cleaning up pet hair and debris for up to 2 hours. Which means your floors are always clean. You and roomba, from irobot. Better. Together. . cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause stephen i feel good. I feel free. I feel fine just being me. I feel good today. One of the things that makes me feel good on a dayreich today is holidays are coming up. Jon oh, yeah. Stephen its an exciting feeling. Electricity is in the air. Jon its a great time. For the holiday, people get very busy about it. You going home . Jon yeah, going home, bringing gifts home, giving gifts out before i leave here. Stephen oh, thats cool. Have you gotten me anything, jon . Jon i cant tell you yet. Weve got to wait till the time. Stephen you cant even tell me whether you got me something . Im not asking what you got me. I got you something. Jon what did you get me . Stephen im not telling thats how it works laughter no pressure. A lot to do at christmastime. Got to guy presents, trim the tree, make the eggnog whatever eggnog is. I think there is egg in there. Im not sure what nog is. Tastes like bourbon and pancake batter, the consistency of it. Jon Something Like that. Stephen but one of my theyre a wonderful way to tell your loved ones, i went to the drug store. But even the best holiday cards had to start somewhere. Somebody had to work hard to write them. So tonight were going to look at some early drafts of greeting cards in our segment, first drafts cheers and applause thats stupid cheers and applause of course, longtime viewers of first we look at the first draft of something before it became the thing you know and love. Tonight, were going to look at first drafts of christmas cards before they were good enough to give to loved ones. Of course, to help me do that, i need a volunteer from the audience. Okay, lets go out there and find somebody. Help me out here. cheers and applause okay. Anybody . Tova. Stephen tova, would you like to help me with first drafts . Sure. Stephen lets do it. Come on tova, everybody cheers and applause thank you very much. Tova, this is for you. There you go. Talk into that and then the people at home can hear you. All right. Oh, know what we need first of all . We need our christmas sweaters. There you go. There you cheers and applause clash with my top . Stephen you look fantastic, tova. No, no, looks incredible. Now, tova, where are you from . Delaware, originally pennsylvania. Stephen okay. And what are you doing in the city . Im with my dear friend bobby mccullough, and we grew up together out there in pennsylvania. Stephen would you like a cookie . Ive given sugar up. Stephen would you like cold milk . Yes, i didnt give that up. Stephen okay, wonderful. This is what i need you to do for me, tova, is here are the holiday cards i will be showing to people. You hand me the next one in the pile when i call for it. You up for that . Yes. Stephen all right. What are you doing for christmas . You going to be home, travel . No, im going to be home and i have two wonderful boys i just love dealer. Stephen thats michael and jamie. Stephen are they getting you something for christmas, do you think . They better if they know whats good for them. applause stephen first card. Heres a nice one that says, joy to you and yours this Holiday Season very sweet. But the first draft said, i cant remember your kids names. Happens, right . Yeah. I forget my kids a names the name of the family dog sometimes. Stephen what is the dogs name . Docksy. Shes passed away, though. Utephen docksy . Dotsy. Stephen do you ever still call your children dotsy now . No, my memorys better now that theyre older. Stephen heres another one. Here we have a nice manger scene on the front, wishing you the gift of faith, the blessing of hope and the peace of his love at christmas and always. Thats a beautiful jon oh, pretty. Stephen but the first draft said, i know youre an atheist, but please pretend for grandma. cheers and applause i have family members like that. Stephen are you a person of fairkts tova . Yes. Stephen okay, great. Good for you. laughter heres one that says, joy to the world. Thats a nice message. But the first draft said, i sell weed now. laughter a similar its a similar sentiment. Similar sentiment. Now, where did you grow up . I grew up well, mainly in pennsylvania. My dad was a 22yearold seabee navy guy. Stephen so you went around the world . Well, he did. We would be at different ports and he would come home. Stephen did he tell you where he was going to be or were you chasing sometimes running from him, but he found us all the time. Stephen thats a heart warming holiday story. Thank you. applause thank you, tova. Heres one that says, may all of this good cheer last throughout the year. But the first draft said why are you such a bleep the rest of the time . In case people are watching, is there anything you want this year that you want to throw a hint out there for people because there are still a lot of shopping days left . Another dog. Stephen another dog . Mmhmm. Stephen what would you name the new dog . Lucky. Stephen lucky. Yeah. Stephen wow. Lucky that its that i would be lucky to have the dog. Stephen oh, that is really sweet. That is very sweet. applause this one has nice stars on the is not a date, it is a state of mind. Thats a very sweet idea. But the first draft said im high right now. Happy labor day. laughter and we dont want to exclude our jewish friends, so heres one with a menorah, and it says wishing you love and happiness all hannukah long. But the first draft says this was the only hanukkah card they had. applause now for the final first draft card. Heres a classic sentiment im dreaming of a white christmas. But the first draft said, make America Great again. applause tova, thank you so much for being here thats it for first drafts of holiday cards. Happy holidays to you all, no just give people cash they love it back with Octavia Spencer thank you so much . cheers and applause r . The lubricants that improved fuel economy. Even technology to make engines more efficient. What company does all this . Exxonmobil, thats who. . cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody my first guest tonight is an Academy Award winning actor help and the divergent series. Her new film is Hidden Figures. Please welcome Octavia Spencer. cheers and applause . Stephen good seeing you so nice to see you again nice to see you stephen you were on with us last year. We had a lovely time. Had a ballast time. Stephen you seem to have a lot of fun wherever you go. Can i show this picture . Yes stephen you were at the u. N. Last week . Unicef. I was at the emcee at the unicef ball. Stephen you ran into a very interesting public figure when you were there. How did this figure come about . I just broke my way in there. Bathroom and hillary was there and it was, like, oh, my god, my hands are wet, and i love you seriously. Stephen it must be interesting to run into her. Its like running into sasquatch, super famous but you dont see her anyplace. Did you ask how she was . I just told her i love her. Stephen she looks happy. As much as you might want to be president , its a hard job. I know. I just kind of wish things were wont we . Stephen yes, well persevere. You have something a lot of people dont have, i dont have, you have a day named after you in your home state of alabama. I dont have that in south carolina. You have Octavia Spencer day. We were talking about holiday food before the break. Is there a traditional octavia march 21 . Yes, meatloaf, turkey or regular. Stephen i enjoy all my meats loafed. Anything under a thick layer of ketchup and im good. I will eat it. I love meatloaf, i just love it. Stephen did you make it yourself . Is it a family thing . I try to make it, but im not a cook. So, you know, i just kind of pitch my friends out and hope they make it. You know who makes an excellent meatloaf is melissa mth mean meatloaf melissa. Stephen how did you learn this about her . We were all really, really poor and we would have game night. It was the ugliest meatloaf ever known, but she would make a giant meatloaf for 40 people and i would always show up with my togo bags. Stephen nice, and a spatula. Its wonderful. Stephen your new movie is called Hidden Figures. Extraordinary story of people coming together in the Mercury Program for n. A. S. A. , and specifically the africanamerican women who i did not know were the human computers, the people doing the calculations for launch and reentry. Yes. Stephen and specifically the story tells about getting john glenn into space, the First American to orbit the earth three times in five hours. Yeah. Stephen and there is a special boy we recorded this just this afternoon and we just learned john glenn died. What did he mean to you before you did this movie . John glenn was the touchstone and we focused on the who got to go to space, but he was an honorable man. There is a moment in the film that he says he doesnt want to take the flight unless the numbers are checked by katherine color, and it was hard being in those rooms. And he showed a true act of faith by putting his life in her hands. Stephen how did this come about . You know, theres a sign, actually, in the movie at one point where the room where your characters are working which were real women which says colored computer because you were these women were mathematicians, polymaths. They can work in any field in mathematical sciences. They were all pretty brilliant, because i can only do one math, its called basic. laughter and Katherine Johnson was a brilliant mind and my character Dorothy Vaughn was the acting supervisor of the africanamerican computers and, so, she was the one who would and she knew katherine was capable. Stephen ive always been fascinated by n. A. S. A. , and ive interviewed some of those early mercury astronauts and apollo guys and i was obsessed with this when i was younger. How come i didnt know this story . I didnt know about it either. When i got the memo i would be meeting about this, i thought it was historical fiction. I think the reason we dontno history are at that time the press. They were more focused on who was going but not how they got there. And these women were the inner mechanisms. They worked behind all the scenes. All the women, africanamerican and white worked behind the scenes, so there was very little regard to their contributions. Stephen besides being mathematicians and polymaths, they were friends. Yes, they did. Stephen we have a clip of some of the women looking out after each other at a picnic, i think. Hes coming over. Now why would he be doing that . Because mary is waving at him. No, im not ladies, fix your hands. Hi, colonel. Im dorothy. This is katherine. Not married, a widow with three girls, so well behaved. Angels on earth is what to call dorothy. Slice of pie . You already have a slice of pie, dorothy. laughter applause stephen and its not just my understanding is that it wasnt just sort of the mental calculations and the pencil typical calculations they were doing, its that then i. B. M. Was bringing in computers to do these calculations, and well, the computer wasnt like the portable thing that we know now. It would take up a room this size, and they had these men who were supposed to figure it out, and they couldnt get it to work, and Dorothy Vaughn, who she could, you know, disassemble and reassemble anything electronic, she figured out what the problem was and then realized that by getting the machine to work, it would put all of them out of work, so she taught herself how to program it, and then taught all the other women how to program the i. B. M. So shes the mother of women who code movements. applause stephen im sort of obsessed with space travel. In the near future, it looks like civilians will be able to go to space. Do you have any interest in being one of the pioneers and getting out there yourself . Im not a pioneer. laughter stephen you dont want to years from now. They can freeze me and in a hundred years wake me up and then take me, but i dont want to go right now. Stephen once they have meatloaf in space, you will go. Meatloaf and tang. Stephen thank you so much for being here Hidden Figures in select theaters Christmas Day and nationwide january 6 Octavia Spencer, everybody well be right back with john mulane stick around . cheers and applause my belly pain and constipation . Ive heard it all. Eat more fiber. Flax seeds. Yogurt. Get moving. Keep moving. I know try laxatives. Been there, done that. My chronic constipation keeps coming back. I know. Tell me something i dont know. Vo linzess works differently from laxatives. Linzess treats adults with ibs with constipation more frequent and complete bowel movements that are easier to pass. Do not give linzess to children under six and it should not be given to children six to seventeen. It may harm them. Dont take linzess if you have a bowel blockage. Get immediate help if you develop unusual or severe stomach pain, especially with bloody or black stools. The most common side effect is diarrhea sometimes severe. If its severe stop taking linzess and call your doctor right away. Other side effects include gas, stomacharea pain and swelling. Talk to your doctor about yep, got the exact doll she wanted. No, no, no, be right home. . squirrel screeching, birds chirping squirrel chittering hey hey tires screeching hey is this yours . Yes. Thank you happy holidays. vo the real magic of the holidays is when we all give a little more. man thank you moms got this cold. Hashtag stuffy nose. Hashtag no sleep. Hashtag mouthbreather. Just put on a breathe right strip. It instantly opens your nose up to 38 more d say goodnight mouthbreathers. . cheers and applause stephen hey ladies and gentlemen, my next guest tonight is an extremely funny actor, writer and standup comedian. cheers and applause . How are you . Stephen wow hello, how are you . Stephen doing fine. How are you . Im very good. Stephen congratulations. I understand the show has been extended through january. Yes, till january 22nd yes stephen i think it should be extended forever. Really . Stephen people dont know, you have guests who come on the show. We have a surprise guest every night. Our two characters have their own cable access show within the play and we have a special guest come out, myself and the wonderfully talented nick kroll. Were basically on sixth avenue. I was a guest one night and i couldnt believe how devastatingly crushingly funny it was. I was, like, theyre going to have to check the building for structural damage because the laughs were so loud. It was almost infuriating how well the show was going for you. That was a very nice compliment. Youre a very nice man to be infuriated. Thats wonderful. Stephen do you want to go further than jan oh hello. Com for tickets. We would go till we were old enough to play the 72yearold men we are now. We would like to do it until we dont get why its funny what these two old men are doing. Stephen wed never met before then. We had. Stephen i dont believe there for the daily show, a show you did on comedy central. Stephen i remember that jon stewart, that guy, a 72yearold jewish man. Yes. Stephen your character is based on him. You were at georgetown university, you were doing a remote segment because there was a theology professor there who was an expert on saints. Stephen sounds like me. You were doing it research. You were coming around and i was headed to my 9 00 a. M. Euro civ class. I passed you and i was this little frecklefaced, puffy, hungover monster, and i saw you and was already a huge fan from strangers with candy on the daily show, and this was before cell phones and i couldnt get a eh stephen i remember you, you were the eh guy eh stephen yeah. Yeah. Stephen georgetown. Georgetown. Stephen so was that, like is it vital have it also in the basement . Yes stephen i dated a girl at georgetown when i was in college and go to vital village. Which didnt sell condoms because it was a catholic sc right. But lets gloss over that part of the story, i beg you because i did not marry this person, so move on. Very nice, she wasnt into me. Cant marry everyone who is nice because you would be married to too many people. Thats what i say when i speak at schools. Stephen but youre married. Yeah, i got married. Stephen im sorry i interrupted your marriage story. Stephen it really sounds like youre rubbing it in my face now. I also got married eeventually. We had a wedding, and theres a story. Stephen you went to georgetown. Are you a catholic . Yes. Stephen because its a jesuit school. Ive only gone to catholic schools. Stephen were you an altar boy . Yeah. Stephen i was, too. How long . Stephen eleven years. I did four years. Altar boys, pretty ceremonial, you hold candles and wear a white dress. A lot like the guy who held the umbrella for puff daddy. Remember that guy . Farnzworth bentley. Stephen that was his name . Yes. So i was an altar boy and i would stand up and get 20 a wedding. Sometimes the best man would tip you another 20. So i got 40. I was very excited about this until my friends where were bar mitzvahed and i became very jealous about that because they were getting hundreds of dollars. Mean while, i was having a confirmation. Were you confirmed . Stephen of course, i was confirmed. What do you mean of course . Stephen well you said, i got married. I can say, i got confirmed. True. Stephen im a catholic. To have the sacraments. You have to be confirmed or else youre not catholic. Yes, its a sacrament. While your friends are being bar mitzvahed where your friends are doing the electric slide, you are getting oil on your head when your skin is as oily as it has ever been, and you are being asked to reject satan just when youre beginning high school when you need him the most. applause stephen thats true. Obviously laughter the most important thing, whats your confirmation name. Martin. Stephen not bad. Why . Because my stephen big dean martin fan . A big dean martin fan laughter stephen why martin . Martin was the middle name of my older brother who passed away. My older brother took peter. Stephen why did he take peter . Pete snore my confirmation was simon because my brother peter passed away and i picked peter because of simon peter. I did martin because of my little brother. So that was very nice. Stephen it is. Confirmations are nice. Id just rather do the electric slide with everyone at a bar mitzvah. Stephen are you still a uh stephen im afraid thats all we have time for laughter my parents are watching. You know yeah, you know. Stephen on Christmas Day, are you going to be with your parents . To, i will be on broadway no, i will be on broadway, so i guess thats the least catholic thing you can do is be on broadway and go to a chinese stephen nice seeing you. Merry cells, happy hanukkah. I will be going to church next christmas because i love the bad singing. Stephen bad singing . Yes, well, one thing i admire about jews is they have hebrew, so when you sing, all people singing in hebrew doesnt sound great, right . But in church, people are trying to sing well, and they dont sound good either. There are guys that just work in and they work in church and have sports coats, pass the basket around, and they get up and sing even though theyre not singers and they sing the psalms . The bread of bread is bread . singing offkey and then they raise their hands and if you think they know their lines, we didnt know our lines. And the dad sings way too loud trying to get their kids to hinge. My dad once grabbed me by the back of my izod shirt in church and said, god cant hear you. Stephen wow, what a great father what a lesson for all of us yes. Stephen john, pleasure to have you here. Oh, hello is on broadway now. A performance by travis scott with hotels. Coms rewards program for every 10 nights you stay, you get one free. Which is great for families. Finally mom and for sore losers nighty night. When are they leaving . Grilled cheese and campbells tomato soup go together like grandchildren and chaos. Made for real, real life. . . . . . Hey barbie do you have anything i can borrow for the Holiday Party . Of course cute do you have anything f cheers and applause band playing my bladder leakage made me feel like i couldnt be the father that i wanted to be. Flex underwear is more flexible to move with you. Reconnect with the life youve been missing. Get a free sample at depend. Com. Jay knows how to keep his wheels spinning. Nice shorts, dad. This is what the pros wear. Eart healthy kelloggs raisin bran. Ready to eat my dust . Too bad i already filled up on raisins. Kelloggs raisin bran. Deliciously heart healthy. Medley of two songs from his album, birds in the trap sing mcknight ladies and gentlemen, travis scott cheers and applause . . . . cause youre sweet sak pas . . Wah yah seh runnin up . All this cake bag it up . Then come right away cause youre sweet . Whats your status might hit your address . If im on them addys jet right to you . I cant do no traffic i cant do no lacking . cause youre sweet like cocoa . Hangin out with you is a no go . cause youre sweet cause youre sweet like cocoa . But all you wanna do is the coco . Hangin out with you is a no go . cause youre sweet . . . . I get those goosebumps every time, yeah . You come around, yeah you ease my mind . You make everything feel fine worry about those comments its way too dumb, yeah . I get those goosebumps every time . I need the heimlich throw that to the side, yeah . I get those goosebumps every time, yeah . When youre not around when you throw that to the side, yeah . I get those goosebumps every time, yeah . 713 to the 281, yeah im riding . Why they on me why they on me . Im flyin sippin lowkey rider, rider . When im pullin up right beside ya . Popstar lil mariah . When i text a cute game wildness . Throw a stack on the bible never snapchat or took molly . She fall through plenty her and all her ginnies, yeah . We at the top floor right there off doheny . Oh no, i cant bleep with yall yeah, when im with my squad saucing in the city . Dont get misinformed yeah, they gon pull up on you . Yeah, we gon do some things some things you cant relate . Yeah, cause we from a place a place you cannot stay . Oh, you cant go oh, i dont know . Oh, back the bleep up off me . I get those goosebumps every time, yeah . You come around, yeah . You make everything feel fine worry about those comments . Im way too numb, yeah its way too dumb, yeah . I get those goosebumps every time . I need the heimlich throw that to the side, yeah . I get those goosebumps every time, yeah . When youre not around when you throw that to the side, yeah . I get those goosebumps cheers and applause list upto music from travis . . . . . . . . . Stephen well, thats it for the late show, everybody tune in tomorrow when my guests will be olivia munn, martin freeman, and comedian tom papa. Now stick around for james good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org . Are you ready yall to have some fun . Feel the love tonight dont you worry bout . Where you come from its gonna be all right . Its the late, late show